Its that time of year again and Christmas is fast approaching. In our family Christmas has always been a great time not just because we celebrate the birth of our Saviour but also because we all love to be together and to do fun stuff. As I have thought back over the many Christmas times we have shared I am again reminded of how blessed we are as a family...we have no feuds going on...no nasty relatives...no unresolved arguments....no unforgiveness....
Please don't think for one moment we are the golden family...far from it...we have a couple of rattly skeletons hanging around our past but have worked hard together as a family to keep going and pressing through so that the love and grace and peace of Jesus keeps us bonded together.
One thing we have always done each year at this time is Chris and I write a letter to Santa...we started to do this at the same time as each of the kids wrote theirs. It has carried on as a sort of family joke...I say stuff like....
"I believe in Santa...always have and always will...there has to be a Santa cos otherwise how do I get all the stuff on my list"
So...on 1st December I write my letter..sit it on a shelf in living room and it disappears(!) within hours and lo and behold ....pressies appear under the tree on Christmas morning. I know (!) that the kids still secretly believe that Santa exists as why would they be asking me if I have written my letter yet..!!! In fact there are times I wonder about my kids as they often tell me "the elves been busy."
Christmas traditions can make the very best memories and as a family we have somehow or other made a few that have outlasted childhood...
Always a real tree...chosen with care..not too fat not too thin...just right..
Always wait till 1st Dec before we talk or plan Christmas..
Always wait till 1st Dec to play Christmas music..
Always try and be together...may not actually be on the day as each child has grown and made their own families ...but somehow we still manage a day when we celebrate our time together...
Always try to go to church together if we are home for Christmas.
Always have crackers and wear the hats and tell the jokes
Always play the game "what colour is your hat "
Always stay up till after midnight on Christmas eve...and I get to open one pressie before I go to bed...
Always walk the dogs....
Always watch a new DVD together....or The Royle Family on TV.
Always have our pudding in the evening...never at the table..
So many other things we have done together...either every year or for a season depending on how old the children were. A couple of lasting memories and traditions we have passed on to our children ..it has been so lovely watching and taking part in their own versions ....
Disguising the pressie...if a really small pressie...wrap it up in huge box or multiple layers.
Hiding the pressie and have them hunt it out with clues.
Using scrabble letters to spell it out...I remember the year we booked Mike on to an Oak Hall Ski trip and used an M&M wee toy...the M&M man was on skis ...big clue...and we emptied the sweets and put in scrabble letter spelling out Oak Hall Ski Trip....took him ages to get it and when he did.....he burst into tears...and bear in mind he was 19 at the time.!
So...each year ..1st Dec my letter would be written.It rarely had any surprises.....usually a couple of books..a CD...some perfume ..smellies...writing paper...and yay for Santa my wee bundle under the tree would be..a couple of books ..a CD...some perfume and smellies and writing paper.!!
This year it is now the 13th Dec and I still have not written my letter to Santa..Chris has done his and the Elves have spirited it away and are no doubt busy busy busy....and I guess they are getting a bit frustrated that my letter has still not appeared. I woke this morning with the reason why I haven't written my letter so clear in my mind. I still believe (!) in Santa I still believe passionately in memories and traditions and still look forward with more excitement and joy this year in particular due to Elisha being with us but still...No Letter....and the reason seems to be..
This year I have absolutely nothing I want...or need
...I have everything.
My life is complete...I have a great husband and count myself among the women who are blessed by still loving and caring for the man in my life..I have three great kids who have husbands and partners that I love and care for...I have more than just a "roof over my head"...my home is warm and comfortable...I have a relationship with Jesus and know His love and grace each day....I am part of a Faith community where I can grow and know God better. I have the greatest job in the world where I get to care for other peoples children ...(and get paid for it)....I have some strong friendships where I know I can be myself. After years of financial stress and debt we now are in a position where we can know a bit of freedom and where Chris can relax after working solidly over his entire adult life....and last but not least..We have been given the gift of a grandchild.!!..You know when your heart is full and you think life cant be any better...and then God squashes it all down and pours out more blessing..well Elisha is that for us...
So...this year my letter to Santa will get written..I have promised the Elves to get it done today...it will have the usual requests of a book/ CD etc but along with that letter I may also write a letter of Praise and Thanksgiving to God..
He is the Giver of life...
He is the Sustainer of life...
He is our Provider..
He is our Healer..
He is our Saviour...
He is our Prince of Peace....
In the midst of all this I am mindful of those who may not have this peace...I know from the response I saw at church yesterday than many of my friends and community have pain in their lives at this moment in time...Christmas for some will not be a time of joy...of family....of good memories or traditions and as I close this entry I am praying for peace to reign in all our lives ...not just at Christmas but all through the coming year. May you and all your kith and kin know peace and joy this Christmas.
Isaiah Ch 8 Verse 6
For unto us a child is born ,to us a child is given, and the government will be upon his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counsellor ,Mighty God, Everlasting Father,Prince of Peace.
Shadow Of Victory
Monday, 13 December 2010
Monday, 22 November 2010
Review of 2010....so far....
Its is Monday 22nd of November 2010 and its cold and grey outside and as I sit at my laptop looking out onto my leaf covered garden I have been taking a couple of hours to review this last year. It is almost time to begin to write the annual family newsletter to be included in our Christmas cards and with so much happening in 2010 its good to just have time to reflect...
This year began with Cat and Nick beginning a journey of hope...a journey of trusting God...a journey of faith and a journey that they had no real idea of where they would end up. It also began with the knowledge that finally Chris would be made redundant...after months and months of rumour and speculation we knew his days were numbered and this too would mean we would also embark on a journey...The year marked our first year for a very long time being Debt Free....with having paid our IVA in full at the end of last year we knew we would be setting off into a new beginning for us financially..( altho being made redundant didn't seem like a great start.!! )For me personally it brought a huge change in that I laid down everything I was involved with in church life....a lot had happened in the first few months that caused me to have a major wobble in many ways. The saddest part in all of that is that relationships were deeply affected and I know that I didn't handle that well. The after effects are still having some influence on my journey but I am walking by faith and trusting God for 2011.
Reflecting back on the year ...one main theme that has interspersed every part of our lives has been our family and friends...we have had more family gatherings...more time with our friends than ever before and for this we thank God that what could have been a long hard year has been made a lot easier by the support love and encouragement we have had . Our children and their partners and spouses have made such a great effort to celebrate our times together....whether walking the dogs...eating out at fabulous restaurants...hanging out with a dvd....ordering a pizza....mothers day...fathers day....Chris official last day at work.,..all have been so special. Our friends have made Sundays at The Manor a regular time to be together...cups of tea...trips to London in a limo...time spent wandering the shops and garden centers...laughing and crying and praying together all have been the fabric in which God has weaved his strength into our lives.
Bringing life up to date on this cold and grey day...Chris is now "retired" and will be living his dream....for decades he has dreamt of serving the church in a support role involving audio and IT support...many times we would wish we weren't in debt so he could give a day a week or similar to the church and now he/we are in a position to do this...God has opened up the door for this to begin in next month . He has also been doing painting and decorating for folk..so if you need some work done..CJ is the man who can !!!
The journey that Cat and Nick have been on came to its destination last week with the arrival of Elisha James Kent...and oh heavens what an answer to prayer he is. God has been faithful in every way and I am still awed by HIS goodness. Elisha is so beautiful and Cat and Nick are so enjoying every second of this precious wee boy. I am now officially a Granny and will answer to Granny Mooney. When we got the call to let us know he had arrived and all was well...I can only tell you my life changed in a micro second...I knew it would never be the same again. You read about "joy" and wonder if it is a real emotion or if it can be adequately described and I can tell you it must have been "joy" that filled me at that moment cos I haven't experienced anything close to this emotion and so far it is still filling my every waking moment.
In reviewing this year I am grateful for new friendships..people who I have known for many years but not necessarily as close friends seem to have moved into my life in a deeper way ... Being able to be vulnerable and honest brings its own rewards. I am part of a wee study group doing MORPH...and just hanging out regularly with this group having breakfast together and looking at what God is doing in our lives is all part of the years journey and I am looking forward to ongoing spiritual growth in 2011.
Finally....as all our family gathered at Cat and Nicks on Sunday to celebrate Elisha and to drink champagne and just be a multi generational family...Chris made a toast...and my heart was full....you see for decades Chris own dad has been the "Patriarch" of our family...Grandad Mooney(altho he is now to be known as Great Grandad Mooney ) is always the one who makes the speeches and toasts etc and it is always a tearjerker moment as he always says that FAMILY is the most precious of things and here we were now with Chris doing the honours as our very own Patriarch and it was just the most special of times as we all raised our glasses to Elisha and to Cat and Nick as we enter into a new realm of multi generational family times.
For all of the above and all that is to come may God be given praise and thanks .
This year began with Cat and Nick beginning a journey of hope...a journey of trusting God...a journey of faith and a journey that they had no real idea of where they would end up. It also began with the knowledge that finally Chris would be made redundant...after months and months of rumour and speculation we knew his days were numbered and this too would mean we would also embark on a journey...The year marked our first year for a very long time being Debt Free....with having paid our IVA in full at the end of last year we knew we would be setting off into a new beginning for us financially..( altho being made redundant didn't seem like a great start.!! )For me personally it brought a huge change in that I laid down everything I was involved with in church life....a lot had happened in the first few months that caused me to have a major wobble in many ways. The saddest part in all of that is that relationships were deeply affected and I know that I didn't handle that well. The after effects are still having some influence on my journey but I am walking by faith and trusting God for 2011.
Reflecting back on the year ...one main theme that has interspersed every part of our lives has been our family and friends...we have had more family gatherings...more time with our friends than ever before and for this we thank God that what could have been a long hard year has been made a lot easier by the support love and encouragement we have had . Our children and their partners and spouses have made such a great effort to celebrate our times together....whether walking the dogs...eating out at fabulous restaurants...hanging out with a dvd....ordering a pizza....mothers day...fathers day....Chris official last day at work.,..all have been so special. Our friends have made Sundays at The Manor a regular time to be together...cups of tea...trips to London in a limo...time spent wandering the shops and garden centers...laughing and crying and praying together all have been the fabric in which God has weaved his strength into our lives.
Bringing life up to date on this cold and grey day...Chris is now "retired" and will be living his dream....for decades he has dreamt of serving the church in a support role involving audio and IT support...many times we would wish we weren't in debt so he could give a day a week or similar to the church and now he/we are in a position to do this...God has opened up the door for this to begin in next month . He has also been doing painting and decorating for folk..so if you need some work done..CJ is the man who can !!!
The journey that Cat and Nick have been on came to its destination last week with the arrival of Elisha James Kent...and oh heavens what an answer to prayer he is. God has been faithful in every way and I am still awed by HIS goodness. Elisha is so beautiful and Cat and Nick are so enjoying every second of this precious wee boy. I am now officially a Granny and will answer to Granny Mooney. When we got the call to let us know he had arrived and all was well...I can only tell you my life changed in a micro second...I knew it would never be the same again. You read about "joy" and wonder if it is a real emotion or if it can be adequately described and I can tell you it must have been "joy" that filled me at that moment cos I haven't experienced anything close to this emotion and so far it is still filling my every waking moment.
In reviewing this year I am grateful for new friendships..people who I have known for many years but not necessarily as close friends seem to have moved into my life in a deeper way ... Being able to be vulnerable and honest brings its own rewards. I am part of a wee study group doing MORPH...and just hanging out regularly with this group having breakfast together and looking at what God is doing in our lives is all part of the years journey and I am looking forward to ongoing spiritual growth in 2011.
Finally....as all our family gathered at Cat and Nicks on Sunday to celebrate Elisha and to drink champagne and just be a multi generational family...Chris made a toast...and my heart was full....you see for decades Chris own dad has been the "Patriarch" of our family...Grandad Mooney(altho he is now to be known as Great Grandad Mooney ) is always the one who makes the speeches and toasts etc and it is always a tearjerker moment as he always says that FAMILY is the most precious of things and here we were now with Chris doing the honours as our very own Patriarch and it was just the most special of times as we all raised our glasses to Elisha and to Cat and Nick as we enter into a new realm of multi generational family times.
For all of the above and all that is to come may God be given praise and thanks .
Thursday, 21 October 2010
20/70/10
The title of this blog may be a little confusing for those who didn't attend the Willow Creek Leaders conference at church so I will aim to explain what it means.
Jack Welch who spoke at one of the sessions talks about a principle he employed called "Differentiation"...In his 40 years with GE he learned over time to employ this process. Its main points ....simplified ....are that in any organisation there will be
20% of the team who will be the top workers...the best..the leaders..
the go-getters...the pace setters..the vision implementers etc....then there is the
70% of people who will follow the leaders...bringing their own skills and giftings without whom much of the organisation wouldn't function well.....then there are the
10% of people who pretty much didn't do anything really apart from have a moan...cause problems...gossip and bad mouth etc.
Jacks experience is of the business world and not necessarily the church but there will be principles that can be identified which can be brought into play with any organisation ...He was talking to Bill Hybels who is a world class church leader and this part of the discussion Bill did say would be controversial in church settings.The thoughts behind this principle is to let the people know which percentage they fall into...so those who were the 20 percenters would be praised..encouraged and given all the resources and back up needed to keep them aiming high....the 70 percenters would also be encouraged to keep going..keep supporting...and initiatives set out to increase their skills with the possibilities of moving upwards...the 10 percenters would be encouraged to leave and go elsewhere....so you can see why this can be considered controversial.!!
I had pretty much decided I wasn't going to stay in for this session as it didn't really attract me at all but for some reason I did stay and was so glad I did. You know when you get the "light bulb" moments when listening to someone sharing their thoughts and beliefs....well... I had a major light bulb moment and heard God say to me
"Lean in....Lean in..I am about to open your heart to hear what I have to say through this man "
I pretty much had the revelation in an instant but have since read parts of Jack Welchs book..."Winning" and just felt God confirm much of what was said. For me it has set me free in many ways and some of the ways in which I have struggled this year have been clarified...
Let me see if I can explain...for much of my early Christian life I have been involved in leadership roles and worked in teams and within that I have always thought I was a 20 percenter. In this last season of leadership (2-3 years ) the church structure has changed a fair bit and whilst I thought I was a 20 percenter I always felt as if I didn't quite make it....it seemed as if I was always fighting to get further in...may not make sense I know to anyone reading this but at times I believed I was "inside" but then most of the time I still felt as if I was "outside"..I would have some access to some information or people ... invited to some meetings..involved in some planning etc...but excluded from others...this caused a lot of confusion on my part and I am sure I confused lots of the church staff as I jostled along trying to figure out where and what i was supposed to be. In the end I stopped trying and one thing led to another and I faded out...feeling lost..hurt...confused...and this last 6 months have been a little bit of a desert time for me trying to figure it all out and make sense of what had happened.
During the Jack Welch session...God said to me...
"you were never meant to be a 20 percenter...you were meant to be 70 percenter and that if I let Him...He would equip me to be an amazing 70 percenter...a great 70 percenter...."
I confess to having a weep at this point as so much fell into place in my spirit...I had been striving all along to be what God hadn't planned for me to be....I could let go this weird feeling of never feeling quite good enough and just be the best 70 percenter...being a fab 70 percenter is way more exciting and enticing and attractive to me than being a poor 20 percenter. I didn't feel as if I was being demoted or made to feel a failure ...God doesn't work like that and this was some kind of divine intervention rather than a human one and in truth I felt as if chains had fallen off my spirit. I said to several people immediately after the session that I felt as if I had had an Epiphany..!!
So...what does this mean for me personally...it means that I can use all that God has gifted me with ...to the very best of my abilities ...I can look at what I am good at and do it well...I can love people...encourage them....challenge them...I can carry on sending my notes and cards and being generous with my time and money and energy....I can volunteer to serve as and when I am able ...I can smile...I can care...I can show mercy..grace...I can speak truth...I can gather friends...gather women...share bible and fun times together..
I can follow...the 70 percenters are a crucial and vital part of the church...without a great group of 70 percenters the work of the 20 percenters would go nowhere.!! and therefor I am setting my sights on the 20 percenters and saying...
yep...I am following you...I am a good follower.!! I am a great 70 percenter.
Finally....one of the most controversial asects of this Differentiation Principle that Jack talks about is that he recommends that each group should be told who and what they are..eg...those who are 20 percenters should know this...and the 70 percenters should also know...he feels very strongly this is the route to follow. Whilst not presuming to say whether this would work outside of a commercial organisation I would say that personally....if I had known I wasn't a 20 percenter but was a valuable and much needed 70 percenter I am sure it would have saved me from a time of complete confusion which brought me extremely low and caused me to react in ways that I am sure caused hurt and pain to the people who I related to.
Jack Welch who spoke at one of the sessions talks about a principle he employed called "Differentiation"...In his 40 years with GE he learned over time to employ this process. Its main points ....simplified ....are that in any organisation there will be
20% of the team who will be the top workers...the best..the leaders..
the go-getters...the pace setters..the vision implementers etc....then there is the
70% of people who will follow the leaders...bringing their own skills and giftings without whom much of the organisation wouldn't function well.....then there are the
10% of people who pretty much didn't do anything really apart from have a moan...cause problems...gossip and bad mouth etc.
Jacks experience is of the business world and not necessarily the church but there will be principles that can be identified which can be brought into play with any organisation ...He was talking to Bill Hybels who is a world class church leader and this part of the discussion Bill did say would be controversial in church settings.The thoughts behind this principle is to let the people know which percentage they fall into...so those who were the 20 percenters would be praised..encouraged and given all the resources and back up needed to keep them aiming high....the 70 percenters would also be encouraged to keep going..keep supporting...and initiatives set out to increase their skills with the possibilities of moving upwards...the 10 percenters would be encouraged to leave and go elsewhere....so you can see why this can be considered controversial.!!
I had pretty much decided I wasn't going to stay in for this session as it didn't really attract me at all but for some reason I did stay and was so glad I did. You know when you get the "light bulb" moments when listening to someone sharing their thoughts and beliefs....well... I had a major light bulb moment and heard God say to me
"Lean in....Lean in..I am about to open your heart to hear what I have to say through this man "
I pretty much had the revelation in an instant but have since read parts of Jack Welchs book..."Winning" and just felt God confirm much of what was said. For me it has set me free in many ways and some of the ways in which I have struggled this year have been clarified...
Let me see if I can explain...for much of my early Christian life I have been involved in leadership roles and worked in teams and within that I have always thought I was a 20 percenter. In this last season of leadership (2-3 years ) the church structure has changed a fair bit and whilst I thought I was a 20 percenter I always felt as if I didn't quite make it....it seemed as if I was always fighting to get further in...may not make sense I know to anyone reading this but at times I believed I was "inside" but then most of the time I still felt as if I was "outside"..I would have some access to some information or people ... invited to some meetings..involved in some planning etc...but excluded from others...this caused a lot of confusion on my part and I am sure I confused lots of the church staff as I jostled along trying to figure out where and what i was supposed to be. In the end I stopped trying and one thing led to another and I faded out...feeling lost..hurt...confused...and this last 6 months have been a little bit of a desert time for me trying to figure it all out and make sense of what had happened.
During the Jack Welch session...God said to me...
"you were never meant to be a 20 percenter...you were meant to be 70 percenter and that if I let Him...He would equip me to be an amazing 70 percenter...a great 70 percenter...."
I confess to having a weep at this point as so much fell into place in my spirit...I had been striving all along to be what God hadn't planned for me to be....I could let go this weird feeling of never feeling quite good enough and just be the best 70 percenter...being a fab 70 percenter is way more exciting and enticing and attractive to me than being a poor 20 percenter. I didn't feel as if I was being demoted or made to feel a failure ...God doesn't work like that and this was some kind of divine intervention rather than a human one and in truth I felt as if chains had fallen off my spirit. I said to several people immediately after the session that I felt as if I had had an Epiphany..!!
So...what does this mean for me personally...it means that I can use all that God has gifted me with ...to the very best of my abilities ...I can look at what I am good at and do it well...I can love people...encourage them....challenge them...I can carry on sending my notes and cards and being generous with my time and money and energy....I can volunteer to serve as and when I am able ...I can smile...I can care...I can show mercy..grace...I can speak truth...I can gather friends...gather women...share bible and fun times together..
I can follow...the 70 percenters are a crucial and vital part of the church...without a great group of 70 percenters the work of the 20 percenters would go nowhere.!! and therefor I am setting my sights on the 20 percenters and saying...
yep...I am following you...I am a good follower.!! I am a great 70 percenter.
Finally....one of the most controversial asects of this Differentiation Principle that Jack talks about is that he recommends that each group should be told who and what they are..eg...those who are 20 percenters should know this...and the 70 percenters should also know...he feels very strongly this is the route to follow. Whilst not presuming to say whether this would work outside of a commercial organisation I would say that personally....if I had known I wasn't a 20 percenter but was a valuable and much needed 70 percenter I am sure it would have saved me from a time of complete confusion which brought me extremely low and caused me to react in ways that I am sure caused hurt and pain to the people who I related to.
Saturday, 11 September 2010
Facebook ...Its a funny old thing !!!
FACEBOOK...its a funny old thing is FB...I avoided it for a long time simply because it was yet another techie thing I would have to master...having taken a good 3 years to catch up with texting and get to the stage where I wasn't scared of my mobile phone I kinda thought FB would be even more terrifying. Strangely enough it has been reasonably easy for me to get into it and certainly for last year or so I have become an almost daily Fbooker...
I still have no real understanding of it and can only manage rudimentary working...eg still have no idea of the "chat" or how to upload photos ..but I can post a status and leave comments and view the odd You tube . I have no interest in all the collective add ons..eg..Farmville and can actually block them from appearing on my Homepage...after asking on FB how to do this..!!
So...what does FB give me that attracts me to look at it almost daily...I have thought about this for a while now and have come up with the following Pros and Cons
PROs
*it has brought far away family and friends back into my life ...
*news and views and updates on how people are...
*fun times with crazy status and jokes....
*its a quick way to get a prayer request out to friends...
*the messaging facility is another way to make arrangements with folk...
*photos of family and friends allows me to "see" into their lives....
*keeps me from being bored....
*makes me think about what people write as their status...
*gives me the opportunity to answer a "need" in peoples lives...
*as I work from home it brings the "outside " inside ..if that makes sense...
*asking for info on something in particular..eg eye laser or Ebooks bringing loads of recommendations
*anyone know of a plumber..garage ..mechanic...
*can anyone help with a lift ...meal...babysit...
*reading about church stuff from everyones different perspectives....
*links to blogs....
and I could write more....BUT the Cons....... also open up a whole different set of thoughts that I hadnt bargained on and have given me some things to think about and to work through.
CONS..
*reading about other people's arrangements and gatherings can leave me dis-satisfied with my own social culture...eg...
*seeing pics of someones birthday gathering and wondering why I hadn't been invited...
*sometimes posting a status and no-one comments on it can leave me wondering if people care....
*commenting on someone elses status only to have it misunderstood....
*making a jokey status..which no-one gets......
*reading about everyones comings and goings and feeling as if my life is empty....
*feeling alone.....
I have taken a few breaks from FB over last few months to prove to myself I am NOT actually addicted and I can easily go off on hols and not give it much thought but in my day to day life it seems to play a part ....one of the small struggles I have to contend with is....
I read and "see" many different groups of friends interacting with each other and it seems as if everyone else has a busy and satisfying social sphere than I do..!!and me being a "nosey" type I often read a status about something that I know nothing about and find myself wondering why I dont have that knowledge....
Yep...FB is a funny old thing isnt it?? or is it just me....???
I still have no real understanding of it and can only manage rudimentary working...eg still have no idea of the "chat" or how to upload photos ..but I can post a status and leave comments and view the odd You tube . I have no interest in all the collective add ons..eg..Farmville and can actually block them from appearing on my Homepage...after asking on FB how to do this..!!
So...what does FB give me that attracts me to look at it almost daily...I have thought about this for a while now and have come up with the following Pros and Cons
PROs
*it has brought far away family and friends back into my life ...
*news and views and updates on how people are...
*fun times with crazy status and jokes....
*its a quick way to get a prayer request out to friends...
*the messaging facility is another way to make arrangements with folk...
*photos of family and friends allows me to "see" into their lives....
*keeps me from being bored....
*makes me think about what people write as their status...
*gives me the opportunity to answer a "need" in peoples lives...
*as I work from home it brings the "outside " inside ..if that makes sense...
*asking for info on something in particular..eg eye laser or Ebooks bringing loads of recommendations
*anyone know of a plumber..garage ..mechanic...
*can anyone help with a lift ...meal...babysit...
*reading about church stuff from everyones different perspectives....
*links to blogs....
and I could write more....BUT the Cons....... also open up a whole different set of thoughts that I hadnt bargained on and have given me some things to think about and to work through.
CONS..
*reading about other people's arrangements and gatherings can leave me dis-satisfied with my own social culture...eg...
*seeing pics of someones birthday gathering and wondering why I hadn't been invited...
*sometimes posting a status and no-one comments on it can leave me wondering if people care....
*commenting on someone elses status only to have it misunderstood....
*making a jokey status..which no-one gets......
*reading about everyones comings and goings and feeling as if my life is empty....
*feeling alone.....
I have taken a few breaks from FB over last few months to prove to myself I am NOT actually addicted and I can easily go off on hols and not give it much thought but in my day to day life it seems to play a part ....one of the small struggles I have to contend with is....
I read and "see" many different groups of friends interacting with each other and it seems as if everyone else has a busy and satisfying social sphere than I do..!!and me being a "nosey" type I often read a status about something that I know nothing about and find myself wondering why I dont have that knowledge....
Yep...FB is a funny old thing isnt it?? or is it just me....???
Thursday, 2 September 2010
Feeling Tender and Tearful....
Today at this moment I could weep...cant describe how I feel...but know that
"tender " and "tearful"...best describe it... I have been looking at some scriptures to encourage me and have also read Catrina Benhams latest blog about "lift up your eyes...He is the "giver of life " and am beginning to feel slightly better...there is nothing quite like the word of God to bring clarity..comfort and TLC !!
Its been a funny old few days....I had an email from someone who I hardly know suggesting I use a bit of discretion re my Fbook posts...saying that "many of my friends maybe struggling financially " and my posts about how God is blessing us may cause them difficulty. This caused me to have a think and to pray and when Chris and I talked about it we decided that there was no way we could be silent about how much God is blessing us and that praise should always be our lips when God moves in our lives.....Then today ....someone said something like..."well ....I hope you are saving some money " and this again caused me to stop and think....did they think we were being irresponsible??...when in fact we are saving a fair chunk of it and in fact paying off about a third of our mortgage...but somehow or other God is
"pressing it down and causing it to run over "
For decades Chris and I have struggled with debt...and hardly anyone spoke a word to us about it...we hid behind our guilt and shame and tried to get out of our mess so many times but anyone who has the slightest knowledge of debt would know that these chains are well and truly strangling....in every aspect of life. If in any doubt about this..ask any member of the CAP organisation...( Christians Against Poverty )...or come and talk to me...people are very quick to judge when finances are involved and most don't take the time to actually ask people what is going on.
Yes ...God is pouring blessing into our lives.. blessings in ways that we haven't looked for ...and in some ways feel we don't deserve...but after decades of being messed up and 39 months of hard slogging in our IVA when very penny we had was scrutinised by legal people and for most of that time we felt we couldn't be honest with our friends....this is our moment....we are absolutely convinced that God is saying..
"you have worked hard at this and the time to be blessed is NOW"
We are not being irresponsible....we haven't gone out and bought loads of expensive stuff..everything we have bought has been cash and prayed about and chosen carefully...sometimes agonising for weeks...and I was pondering this recently why I was being so indecisive in choosing a car and wallpaper etc and a friend reckoned that it was because for years I had bought with the good old "plastic" and never thought twice about cost but now it was actually "cash" that we were being wise and I realised this was so true...that God had taught us over the last three years to be careful and consider before spending. We have researched each item...from looking at loads of cars...finding out cost of road tax and emissions and carefully compared all the reviews etc to the new sofas we bought ex display for half price....to the choice of wallpaper was narrowed down to a Laura Ashley one at 22.00 per roll to Homebase for 9.00 per roll...and we could easily have afforded to buy the expensive one but chose to be wise and went with the "just as nice " cheaper option.
In all of this we have also been mindful of the scriptures that say
"give and it will be given to you"..
"you reap what you sow "...
"therefor as we have opportunity...let us do good to all people..especially those who belong to the family of believers"...
Perhaps the people who have made comments to us have done so without knowing all the facts...I have always loved the Scripture ...
"rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn"
and always tried to live with this deep in my spirit and recently in our church community and in my friends lives we have done a fair bit of mourning ...but there is also time to rejoice too......Chris and I have given away much of what we have been given ...I listen very carefully to what people share or perhaps put on Fbook and we constantly ask ourselves..can we help and often we find we can ....in many different ways...and I rejoice in this...
our time...
Chris DIY skills..
in helping people...
lending our cars where needed...
buying dishwashers...beds...
giving people toys and buggies....
wiping the slate clean on what others have owed us financially...
encouraging others who may be in debt to ask for help.....
helping our own family with redecorating and holidays...
I wonder if I also sometimes open my mouth without knowing all the facts and judge people ...when I shouldn't ....and for that I ask God to constantly help me with as I know I can be a touch nosey and mouthy...but for us in this season of our lives...
I cant be silent....
My heart and every part of my being is constantly amazed and in awe of how He is dealing with us..with mercy...grace...blessing and love
I cant be silent....
Just as a complete contrast...a friend visited today..one who has known us for many years...she was bringing a totally unepxected gift of money to us....she has known our history and walked with us through a lot of the pain...anyway...she sat on our sofas and had a wee recline and her main comment to me was " This is so lovely..so lovely...you deserve this...you have a lovely home...it is so lovely..." her words were like balm to my soul...you see ..she was rejoicing with us and God was being exalted .
I am going to take my "tenderness" to the one who will bring comfort to me and rest for my soul.
"tender " and "tearful"...best describe it... I have been looking at some scriptures to encourage me and have also read Catrina Benhams latest blog about "lift up your eyes...He is the "giver of life " and am beginning to feel slightly better...there is nothing quite like the word of God to bring clarity..comfort and TLC !!
Its been a funny old few days....I had an email from someone who I hardly know suggesting I use a bit of discretion re my Fbook posts...saying that "many of my friends maybe struggling financially " and my posts about how God is blessing us may cause them difficulty. This caused me to have a think and to pray and when Chris and I talked about it we decided that there was no way we could be silent about how much God is blessing us and that praise should always be our lips when God moves in our lives.....Then today ....someone said something like..."well ....I hope you are saving some money " and this again caused me to stop and think....did they think we were being irresponsible??...when in fact we are saving a fair chunk of it and in fact paying off about a third of our mortgage...but somehow or other God is
"pressing it down and causing it to run over "
For decades Chris and I have struggled with debt...and hardly anyone spoke a word to us about it...we hid behind our guilt and shame and tried to get out of our mess so many times but anyone who has the slightest knowledge of debt would know that these chains are well and truly strangling....in every aspect of life. If in any doubt about this..ask any member of the CAP organisation...( Christians Against Poverty )...or come and talk to me...people are very quick to judge when finances are involved and most don't take the time to actually ask people what is going on.
Yes ...God is pouring blessing into our lives.. blessings in ways that we haven't looked for ...and in some ways feel we don't deserve...but after decades of being messed up and 39 months of hard slogging in our IVA when very penny we had was scrutinised by legal people and for most of that time we felt we couldn't be honest with our friends....this is our moment....we are absolutely convinced that God is saying..
"you have worked hard at this and the time to be blessed is NOW"
We are not being irresponsible....we haven't gone out and bought loads of expensive stuff..everything we have bought has been cash and prayed about and chosen carefully...sometimes agonising for weeks...and I was pondering this recently why I was being so indecisive in choosing a car and wallpaper etc and a friend reckoned that it was because for years I had bought with the good old "plastic" and never thought twice about cost but now it was actually "cash" that we were being wise and I realised this was so true...that God had taught us over the last three years to be careful and consider before spending. We have researched each item...from looking at loads of cars...finding out cost of road tax and emissions and carefully compared all the reviews etc to the new sofas we bought ex display for half price....to the choice of wallpaper was narrowed down to a Laura Ashley one at 22.00 per roll to Homebase for 9.00 per roll...and we could easily have afforded to buy the expensive one but chose to be wise and went with the "just as nice " cheaper option.
In all of this we have also been mindful of the scriptures that say
"give and it will be given to you"..
"you reap what you sow "...
"therefor as we have opportunity...let us do good to all people..especially those who belong to the family of believers"...
Perhaps the people who have made comments to us have done so without knowing all the facts...I have always loved the Scripture ...
"rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn"
and always tried to live with this deep in my spirit and recently in our church community and in my friends lives we have done a fair bit of mourning ...but there is also time to rejoice too......Chris and I have given away much of what we have been given ...I listen very carefully to what people share or perhaps put on Fbook and we constantly ask ourselves..can we help and often we find we can ....in many different ways...and I rejoice in this...
our time...
Chris DIY skills..
in helping people...
lending our cars where needed...
buying dishwashers...beds...
giving people toys and buggies....
wiping the slate clean on what others have owed us financially...
encouraging others who may be in debt to ask for help.....
helping our own family with redecorating and holidays...
I wonder if I also sometimes open my mouth without knowing all the facts and judge people ...when I shouldn't ....and for that I ask God to constantly help me with as I know I can be a touch nosey and mouthy...but for us in this season of our lives...
I cant be silent....
My heart and every part of my being is constantly amazed and in awe of how He is dealing with us..with mercy...grace...blessing and love
I cant be silent....
Just as a complete contrast...a friend visited today..one who has known us for many years...she was bringing a totally unepxected gift of money to us....she has known our history and walked with us through a lot of the pain...anyway...she sat on our sofas and had a wee recline and her main comment to me was " This is so lovely..so lovely...you deserve this...you have a lovely home...it is so lovely..." her words were like balm to my soul...you see ..she was rejoicing with us and God was being exalted .
I am going to take my "tenderness" to the one who will bring comfort to me and rest for my soul.
Monday, 23 August 2010
How Do I love Thee....Let me count the ways....
I always wonder when the precise moment arrives when the contents of my mind overflows into a blog post.!!...I seem to go for a fairly longish time with nothing I feel is worth blogging about and then have several bursts in a row.I have been brewing this one for a few days now and even now I have a further one almost ready to pop...
But let me get this one out into cyberspace now ...its all about my hubby. No apologies for the length and contents ....
I have known CJ for approx 38 years...he was a DJ with Edinburgh's most famous mobile disco ...REVOLVA...and yes ..he was known as CJ the DJ.!! My friend Janie and I went to a nightclub called Aquarius and he worked there 5 nights a week....the gang who worked for Revolva all hung out together and we became the disco groupies...I actually went out with 3 of the 7 DJs before I settled on Chris....my diary entry for the days preceding our first kiss read like this..."I quite like Chris..he has a lovely bum"...
It was most unashamedly love at first sight/date...and he proposed to me on our first night out. We were inseparable from the beginning and I can quite honestly say that without him I don't think I would have survived. If you have read my earlier blogs you will know I had a very dysfunctional childhood and rest assured that by the time I was 18 I was pretty much on the road to dysfunctional adulthood too. In short...Chris rescued me...his love for me gave me hope for myself that all was not lost...the biggest and best thing about his love meant that I began to believe I was worth being loved and altho it has taken me many years to grow into a more secure foundation I believe that in the early years the unconditional love that Chris has for me laid the foundations for God to carry on his redemptive work in my heart and soul.
So...as the title of this post says...
How Do I Love Thee..let me count the ways...Chris is...
my friend ..
my lover...
my greatest supporter...
my encourager...
my challenger...
my refuge when life gets too overwhelming...
the one who holds my hand..
the one who hands me tissues when I snot and cry...
the one who rubs my feet when they ache....
the one who brings me cups of tea in bed most mornings...
the one who makes me laugh till I ache....
the one who takes my ideas and turns them into reality...
he makes me complete......
we are a good team..
he gives me freedom to be who I am...
he willingly shares in all that we do...
he is generous with his time....
he always thinks the best of me...
his love for me has never faltered...
he encourages me to dream my dreams....
he lays down his life for me ...
he puts me first....
his one liner jokes are a legend in the family...
he is diligent and faithful...
he tolerates my dog....and walks him daily..
he lets me have control of the remote...
he is a great dad....
he has worked hard all his life ...
he is a servant par excellence in the church community...
he is the calm to my stress...
he is the solid to my fluidity...
he can cook/shop/clean/wash/iron/DIY...(altho he still cant multi task)...
he will be a fantastic grand-dad....
he still has a lovely bum!!...
he is gentle with my fears...
he is confident with my dreams...
he is very competitive but thinks he isn't ...!
he walks slow cos my wee legs cant go fast...
he endures my endless waffling...
he is in love with me.....
and I could go on and on....
He is without doubt THE BEST...
Chris is the major source of joy in my heart...I have a phrase I think of when I think of Chris..."he makes my heart smile"...
Ephesians ch 5 verses 22 onwards calls husbands to "love your wives as Christ loves the church" and if there was a GCSE or A level in this particular scripture then Chris would have got an A*.!!
Please don't get me wrong ..he isn't perfect and we have had our share of arguments and some serious fall outs along the way but today I cant think of any other scenario than spending the rest of our life together . He is the only one I want to grow old with and I am asking God to bring truth to the phrase "the best is yet to come" .
We are in the very best years of our lives..our children are all grown up..and seem to be doing great in their own lives.....we are incredibly blessed that our family unit spends time together and there have been no serious rifts along the way...we have a great circle of friends and belong to a church community that we love and altho the future seems uncertain with regard to his work situation we are secure in the knowledge that whatever comes our way we will face it strong.!
I often read about couples celebrating 40/50/60 years of marriage and my prayer and hope is that we will be like that...what a great thing to be together for a lifetime and I cant imagine life without Chris..we may take each other for granted at times..we may lose sight of our together-ness every now and then..we may even have fall outs but I am convinced that we will uphold our marriage vows till "death us do part" and believe wholeheartedly in the phrase "and that which God has joined together let no man separate"
Chris and I have this wee one liner that we often say to each other that sums us up ..
We fit together so well"
But let me get this one out into cyberspace now ...its all about my hubby. No apologies for the length and contents ....
I have known CJ for approx 38 years...he was a DJ with Edinburgh's most famous mobile disco ...REVOLVA...and yes ..he was known as CJ the DJ.!! My friend Janie and I went to a nightclub called Aquarius and he worked there 5 nights a week....the gang who worked for Revolva all hung out together and we became the disco groupies...I actually went out with 3 of the 7 DJs before I settled on Chris....my diary entry for the days preceding our first kiss read like this..."I quite like Chris..he has a lovely bum"...
It was most unashamedly love at first sight/date...and he proposed to me on our first night out. We were inseparable from the beginning and I can quite honestly say that without him I don't think I would have survived. If you have read my earlier blogs you will know I had a very dysfunctional childhood and rest assured that by the time I was 18 I was pretty much on the road to dysfunctional adulthood too. In short...Chris rescued me...his love for me gave me hope for myself that all was not lost...the biggest and best thing about his love meant that I began to believe I was worth being loved and altho it has taken me many years to grow into a more secure foundation I believe that in the early years the unconditional love that Chris has for me laid the foundations for God to carry on his redemptive work in my heart and soul.
So...as the title of this post says...
How Do I Love Thee..let me count the ways...Chris is...
my friend ..
my lover...
my greatest supporter...
my encourager...
my challenger...
my refuge when life gets too overwhelming...
the one who holds my hand..
the one who hands me tissues when I snot and cry...
the one who rubs my feet when they ache....
the one who brings me cups of tea in bed most mornings...
the one who makes me laugh till I ache....
the one who takes my ideas and turns them into reality...
he makes me complete......
we are a good team..
he gives me freedom to be who I am...
he willingly shares in all that we do...
he is generous with his time....
he always thinks the best of me...
his love for me has never faltered...
he encourages me to dream my dreams....
he lays down his life for me ...
he puts me first....
his one liner jokes are a legend in the family...
he is diligent and faithful...
he tolerates my dog....and walks him daily..
he lets me have control of the remote...
he is a great dad....
he has worked hard all his life ...
he is a servant par excellence in the church community...
he is the calm to my stress...
he is the solid to my fluidity...
he can cook/shop/clean/wash/iron/DIY...(altho he still cant multi task)...
he will be a fantastic grand-dad....
he still has a lovely bum!!...
he is gentle with my fears...
he is confident with my dreams...
he is very competitive but thinks he isn't ...!
he walks slow cos my wee legs cant go fast...
he endures my endless waffling...
he is in love with me.....
and I could go on and on....
He is without doubt THE BEST...
Chris is the major source of joy in my heart...I have a phrase I think of when I think of Chris..."he makes my heart smile"...
Ephesians ch 5 verses 22 onwards calls husbands to "love your wives as Christ loves the church" and if there was a GCSE or A level in this particular scripture then Chris would have got an A*.!!
Please don't get me wrong ..he isn't perfect and we have had our share of arguments and some serious fall outs along the way but today I cant think of any other scenario than spending the rest of our life together . He is the only one I want to grow old with and I am asking God to bring truth to the phrase "the best is yet to come" .
We are in the very best years of our lives..our children are all grown up..and seem to be doing great in their own lives.....we are incredibly blessed that our family unit spends time together and there have been no serious rifts along the way...we have a great circle of friends and belong to a church community that we love and altho the future seems uncertain with regard to his work situation we are secure in the knowledge that whatever comes our way we will face it strong.!
I often read about couples celebrating 40/50/60 years of marriage and my prayer and hope is that we will be like that...what a great thing to be together for a lifetime and I cant imagine life without Chris..we may take each other for granted at times..we may lose sight of our together-ness every now and then..we may even have fall outs but I am convinced that we will uphold our marriage vows till "death us do part" and believe wholeheartedly in the phrase "and that which God has joined together let no man separate"
Chris and I have this wee one liner that we often say to each other that sums us up ..
We fit together so well"
Saturday, 21 August 2010
Answers On a Post Card Please
Its been a funny old week...we continue to be amazed at the way in which God is blessing us financially....Today we had a further cheque through from the PPI...endless blessings from the floodgates....and thus more to give away too.
I love my Zafira.....and we have been able to re-decorate as mentioned in previous blog..plus book ourselves a 3 day treat to the Isle of Wight in a beach front hotel with balcony and view over the sea.....and the fact that Chris hasn't had to "work " his notice apart from the odd day has meant he can do all the re-decorating in the day time .
Chris has also heard from the pension folk and he has been given the go ahead to retire early from 1st October and the pension payable is about what we thought...and it means the pressure is off him to get a hugely well paid job with same kind of income he is on now so he can relax a little and take some time to hear what God is saying with regard to his future employment. We also heard he has a lump sum payable to him too on 1st October which will allow us to replace his old car and to pay off a chunk of our mortgage thus bringing down our monthly repayment so all in all the floodgates are still open above The Mooneys.
In all of this I am still perplexed re what God has in store for me personally....I am a self employed full time Personal Assistant to the wonderful young man I care for...and I also childmind...slowly but surely my childminding has dropped off and despite thinking I had a sure thing with a new family I didn't get the contract....then yesterday I saw another family but haven't got that contract either and then today I heard that the wee boy I presently childmind and positively adore will be heading off to sunnier places and I will be left with no children at all....
So...what is God saying to me...I have always 100% believed that God has always brought me the right child...right family...at the right time over the last 10 years and therefor was quite surprised when a recent family decided not to use me...I get calls/emails fairly regularly yet not actually being activated...so...QUESTION IS...
1) Has God got the very best child / family waiting in the wings for me??
2) Is God saying ..time to stop childminding??
3) or lay it down for a while and see what happens..??
So...those of you with prophetic gifting...the gift of encouragement ....or a word to bring light into situation...
ANSWERS ON A POSTCARD PLEASE..!!
I love my Zafira.....and we have been able to re-decorate as mentioned in previous blog..plus book ourselves a 3 day treat to the Isle of Wight in a beach front hotel with balcony and view over the sea.....and the fact that Chris hasn't had to "work " his notice apart from the odd day has meant he can do all the re-decorating in the day time .
Chris has also heard from the pension folk and he has been given the go ahead to retire early from 1st October and the pension payable is about what we thought...and it means the pressure is off him to get a hugely well paid job with same kind of income he is on now so he can relax a little and take some time to hear what God is saying with regard to his future employment. We also heard he has a lump sum payable to him too on 1st October which will allow us to replace his old car and to pay off a chunk of our mortgage thus bringing down our monthly repayment so all in all the floodgates are still open above The Mooneys.
In all of this I am still perplexed re what God has in store for me personally....I am a self employed full time Personal Assistant to the wonderful young man I care for...and I also childmind...slowly but surely my childminding has dropped off and despite thinking I had a sure thing with a new family I didn't get the contract....then yesterday I saw another family but haven't got that contract either and then today I heard that the wee boy I presently childmind and positively adore will be heading off to sunnier places and I will be left with no children at all....
So...what is God saying to me...I have always 100% believed that God has always brought me the right child...right family...at the right time over the last 10 years and therefor was quite surprised when a recent family decided not to use me...I get calls/emails fairly regularly yet not actually being activated...so...QUESTION IS...
1) Has God got the very best child / family waiting in the wings for me??
2) Is God saying ..time to stop childminding??
3) or lay it down for a while and see what happens..??
So...those of you with prophetic gifting...the gift of encouragement ....or a word to bring light into situation...
ANSWERS ON A POSTCARD PLEASE..!!
Saturday, 14 August 2010
The Floodgates of Heaven
Malachi Ch 3 verse 5 onwards have always been a tough read for The Mooneys...anyone knowing us over the last 26 plus years will know our journey through debt...which got progressively tougher and tougher in the last 5 years ending with us entering an IVA...this was a "last resort" for us.We drew a line in the spiritual sand and prayed ..."God..we are desperate to break free from this
life- threatening bondage of debt " Anyone who has been on the brink of financial ruin will know just how dark the times get when Bankruptcy is peeking round the corner and there is no way out.
IVAs are designed to keep people out of the Bankruptcy court and they get to keep any property/houses etc and ensures the creditors get some kind of payment rather than none at all as it would be in Bankruptcy. We still had to go to court and bare all to the Insolvency Practitioner and this has to be the most degrading and embarrassing moment in our lives. For 39 months out of the 60 allocated to us we "religiously" paid over our 700.00 each month and had all our expenditure examined with a fine tooth comb and had to ask for basic increases eg insurance for our dog ....we learned to work to a strict budget and as all credit was now no longer available this meant a huge change in our attitudes.
It was tough for the first 2 years as we kept it a secret from everyone as the shame and guilt was way too much to share with others....then when Chris was threatened with redundancy we realised we would have to "come clean" as if the axe fell how would we then explain our subsequent IVA failing meaning Bankruptcy and losing our home. Telling people was really hard but we were re-assured by most that we were still loved and accepted and the rest of the IVA was so much easier to get through. The most amazing things began to happen and if you have followed my blog you will know all about things like...unexpected tax rebates...holidays paid for...our trip to Willow Creek and so much more.
As I said in the opening sentence we have always struggled with the Malachi passage...over all the years we have been led by Ben D this passage was almost one of his favourites to preach from and it seemed as if it was salt on a raw wound. We have rarely tithed as scripture states but have always given as best as we could. We decided early on we would try and never let the basket go by on Sundays and even if its only a one pound coin we have given as and when we could. For gift days we have prayed and given when God has prompted and we have given gifts of money to others ..again as we have been prompted and enabled. We have always been as generous with our time and serving God as much as we could in many different ways which has helped us not to feel any condemnation with not fully tithing. In the IVA time we would have been unable to tithe as the IP would have laughed at us if we said we wanted to give a tenth of our income to the church ...But God didnt laugh at us...I believe He knew our hearts and our spirit and even though we were not fully in line with scripture He blessed us anyway... God is a good God...all the time..not just when we are being good but just becuase He loves us totally and fully exactly how we are. I sometimes think I should have kept a log book stating how many times we knew God was at work...not just financial blessings but in the many other ways we sensed God was with us....I am so sure that we could never outgive God..in any way.
The Floodgates of Heaven ....
The first of 3 "miracles " happened for us near the end of last year when Chris was given a consultancy role over in Milan which netted us a substantial amount of money which we immediately earmarked for Cat and Nick and their baby journey. The second miracle happened when we were able to offer a "Full and Final" payment to the IVA which meant our IVA completed .. 20 months earlier than planned....The third miracle happened when Cat and Nick conceived their baby ..which is now due in November.
Since the beginning of the year we have continued to "give" and to bless others as we waited for the IVA wheels to grind to a halt and for us to know what we actually had in terms of money...and then the redundancy axe finally fell on Chris re his job and he officially stops work end of September with a mere pittance for his redundancy package which if we are careful with it will last us to end of the year before we need to panic.! (I am being sarcastic with the word Panic..as .....)
We have such peace about this...we have no real idea what plans God has in store for Chris..we have a couple of ideas which he will pursue but until we know for certain we are just hanging out in the Kingdom. Whenever we have prayed we have heard God say quite clearly..
"He will never leave us or forsake us "
"I have never let you down yet "
"The best is yet to come "
and this is so true...even when we were dead in the sin of debt God was still there....I want Chris to do somethng which will satisfy him rather than just earn a wage...He has never been out of work before...never claimed any government benefits....worked hard all his working life to support our family and for the remaining years he has (he isnt old..only 58 so I am assuming many years ) I am asking God to bless him with the desires of his heart.....
Even now....we are still being blessed financially and in so many other ways ........Totally out of the blue we have had some bank fees repaid to us which has been way more than we were led to believe thus allowing us to replace our car and do a fair bit of work in Cat and Nicks house as well as redecorate one of our rooms and to bless a couple of others too...and to keep on giving as the basket goes round.
Its strange that even tho I have struggled personally with other issues this year I can still stand in awe of how God has opened The Floodgates of Heaven and poured out a blessing ... God is good all the time. In the year 2010 so far The Mooneys are so grateful and thankful for ....
An end to the IVA early....
Lump sum available for Cat and Nick....
One off payment to IVA....
New baby due..so excited to be Granny and Granddad Mooney...
New car...
Holiday to The Algarve..paid for completely by cash....
Family times that have brought great joy....
Refunds of PPI..exceeded what we thought....
Being able to put money in the offering basket each time it passed us by...
Blessing others and being blessed....
Good friends who have stood with us through it all...
Church community allowing us to be open.....
No condemnation.....
Chris having 3 month "notice" which he doesn't actually have to work...
Redundancy package ..which altho not much will keep us going ,....
A sense that God has our future firmly in our hands....
My income and job being as secure as self employment can be.....
My job being so enjoyable and satisfying....
Middle son continuing to stay at home which allows us to benefit from his rent...
Chris being able to take up golf....and having the money for him to do so....
The desire to buy buy buy has gone completely.....
Any form of credit not being available for another 2 years....Temptation removed...
Continued faith that God has our future in His hands....
The biggest blessing in all of this for us is the prospect of becoming Grandparents...No words can describe the feelings we have when we look at Cat and Nick and know that only God can have brought this to pass....He is the creator of all life and I am left in adoration.
Oh yes....The Floodgates of Heaven are well and truly open above The Mooneys.
life- threatening bondage of debt " Anyone who has been on the brink of financial ruin will know just how dark the times get when Bankruptcy is peeking round the corner and there is no way out.
IVAs are designed to keep people out of the Bankruptcy court and they get to keep any property/houses etc and ensures the creditors get some kind of payment rather than none at all as it would be in Bankruptcy. We still had to go to court and bare all to the Insolvency Practitioner and this has to be the most degrading and embarrassing moment in our lives. For 39 months out of the 60 allocated to us we "religiously" paid over our 700.00 each month and had all our expenditure examined with a fine tooth comb and had to ask for basic increases eg insurance for our dog ....we learned to work to a strict budget and as all credit was now no longer available this meant a huge change in our attitudes.
It was tough for the first 2 years as we kept it a secret from everyone as the shame and guilt was way too much to share with others....then when Chris was threatened with redundancy we realised we would have to "come clean" as if the axe fell how would we then explain our subsequent IVA failing meaning Bankruptcy and losing our home. Telling people was really hard but we were re-assured by most that we were still loved and accepted and the rest of the IVA was so much easier to get through. The most amazing things began to happen and if you have followed my blog you will know all about things like...unexpected tax rebates...holidays paid for...our trip to Willow Creek and so much more.
As I said in the opening sentence we have always struggled with the Malachi passage...over all the years we have been led by Ben D this passage was almost one of his favourites to preach from and it seemed as if it was salt on a raw wound. We have rarely tithed as scripture states but have always given as best as we could. We decided early on we would try and never let the basket go by on Sundays and even if its only a one pound coin we have given as and when we could. For gift days we have prayed and given when God has prompted and we have given gifts of money to others ..again as we have been prompted and enabled. We have always been as generous with our time and serving God as much as we could in many different ways which has helped us not to feel any condemnation with not fully tithing. In the IVA time we would have been unable to tithe as the IP would have laughed at us if we said we wanted to give a tenth of our income to the church ...But God didnt laugh at us...I believe He knew our hearts and our spirit and even though we were not fully in line with scripture He blessed us anyway... God is a good God...all the time..not just when we are being good but just becuase He loves us totally and fully exactly how we are. I sometimes think I should have kept a log book stating how many times we knew God was at work...not just financial blessings but in the many other ways we sensed God was with us....I am so sure that we could never outgive God..in any way.
The Floodgates of Heaven ....
The first of 3 "miracles " happened for us near the end of last year when Chris was given a consultancy role over in Milan which netted us a substantial amount of money which we immediately earmarked for Cat and Nick and their baby journey. The second miracle happened when we were able to offer a "Full and Final" payment to the IVA which meant our IVA completed .. 20 months earlier than planned....The third miracle happened when Cat and Nick conceived their baby ..which is now due in November.
Since the beginning of the year we have continued to "give" and to bless others as we waited for the IVA wheels to grind to a halt and for us to know what we actually had in terms of money...and then the redundancy axe finally fell on Chris re his job and he officially stops work end of September with a mere pittance for his redundancy package which if we are careful with it will last us to end of the year before we need to panic.! (I am being sarcastic with the word Panic..as .....)
We have such peace about this...we have no real idea what plans God has in store for Chris..we have a couple of ideas which he will pursue but until we know for certain we are just hanging out in the Kingdom. Whenever we have prayed we have heard God say quite clearly..
"He will never leave us or forsake us "
"I have never let you down yet "
"The best is yet to come "
and this is so true...even when we were dead in the sin of debt God was still there....I want Chris to do somethng which will satisfy him rather than just earn a wage...He has never been out of work before...never claimed any government benefits....worked hard all his working life to support our family and for the remaining years he has (he isnt old..only 58 so I am assuming many years ) I am asking God to bless him with the desires of his heart.....
Even now....we are still being blessed financially and in so many other ways ........Totally out of the blue we have had some bank fees repaid to us which has been way more than we were led to believe thus allowing us to replace our car and do a fair bit of work in Cat and Nicks house as well as redecorate one of our rooms and to bless a couple of others too...and to keep on giving as the basket goes round.
Its strange that even tho I have struggled personally with other issues this year I can still stand in awe of how God has opened The Floodgates of Heaven and poured out a blessing ... God is good all the time. In the year 2010 so far The Mooneys are so grateful and thankful for ....
An end to the IVA early....
Lump sum available for Cat and Nick....
One off payment to IVA....
New baby due..so excited to be Granny and Granddad Mooney...
New car...
Holiday to The Algarve..paid for completely by cash....
Family times that have brought great joy....
Refunds of PPI..exceeded what we thought....
Being able to put money in the offering basket each time it passed us by...
Blessing others and being blessed....
Good friends who have stood with us through it all...
Church community allowing us to be open.....
No condemnation.....
Chris having 3 month "notice" which he doesn't actually have to work...
Redundancy package ..which altho not much will keep us going ,....
A sense that God has our future firmly in our hands....
My income and job being as secure as self employment can be.....
My job being so enjoyable and satisfying....
Middle son continuing to stay at home which allows us to benefit from his rent...
Chris being able to take up golf....and having the money for him to do so....
The desire to buy buy buy has gone completely.....
Any form of credit not being available for another 2 years....Temptation removed...
Continued faith that God has our future in His hands....
The biggest blessing in all of this for us is the prospect of becoming Grandparents...No words can describe the feelings we have when we look at Cat and Nick and know that only God can have brought this to pass....He is the creator of all life and I am left in adoration.
Oh yes....The Floodgates of Heaven are well and truly open above The Mooneys.
Friday, 13 August 2010
Dislocation Part Two
DISLOCATION.....I have been thinking about this "feeling" for some time and trying to get it clear in my mind before blogging...I know what I want to say but not sure if I can get it into words that will make sense. A few months ago I was pretty much busy busy busy !! and I love that feeling when it sometimes feels as if you want the "bus to stop and let you off" but truly you are getting such a kick out of being in the centre of Gods purposes..so even if the bus stopped you wouldn't choose to get off.!!
I have thought back over the decades I have been a Christian and a part of my church community and realised that much of my spiritual life has been busy busy busy and it is in these seasons that a fair bit of my Spiritual growth has taken place. When I initiated the Deaf Ministry and later launched Kerith Kids and helped launch Hilltop...my life was incredibly busy and incredibly active and incredibly fulfilling. To get a ministry up and running meant tons of prayer...tons of scripture...tons of meetings..tons of contacts with the unchurched and unsaved and tons of ongoing support and interaction with church leaders and elders as well as amazing spiritual connection with others as teams were built on solid foundations. Several of my closest and oldest buddies had the birthing of our friendships during these intense times as we met...served..worked..prayed...cried...together on a mission to open the doors of our church community to those who were at that time (22years ago) largely ignored by churches all over the nation. I was also raising a family of three children and married to the best husband in the world so every part of our lives were busy busy busy not just Sundays.
In this last 2-3 years I once again found myself leading a ministry... (well.... I called it a ministry )...My ongoing vision statement was..."car parking isn't about cars it is about people " and I sensed the Spiritual side to this over the months as I built and encouraged team members...prayed...met with leaders and generally was busy busy busy that I was once more in a season of growth and looking back I realise that God was showing me much about myself as well as growing me in grace and mercy. With meeting other ministry leaders on a regular basis and fortnightly meetings with my "line manager " I prospered in many ways as rough edges were smoothed and encouragement to grow and to trust and to expect God to answer prayer was a regular feature in this busy busy busy time. The most significantly different part of this season of busy busy busy was that I was no longer raising the three children..they were pretty much raised !! and therefor the ministry busy-ness filled much more of my life than before...altho being the wife of still the best husband in the world meant I did carve some time out...that is when he wasn't being busy busy busy in his serving. Some of my best memories of the car parking ministry were times we served together..some weddings..funerals..and conferences...this was such a great time when we worked together to bless the church community.
For many reasons I laid down this ministry at the end of March...I so wish I could have the January to March months of that time back as I didn't finish well and I am cross with myself about that...it has taken me a while to move on from that particular pit. But here I am with no busy busy busy and boy am I dislocated. ....
I miss the hustle and bustle...
I miss the meetings...
I miss the interaction..
I miss my "line manager"
I miss the prayer...
I miss the encouragement..
I miss the thank yous...
I miss the emails...
I miss the questions...
I miss the weekly numbers info...
I miss being in the office....
I miss my teams...
I miss shaping the car parking for the future....
I miss being part of conference planning....
I miss the early mornings...
I miss blessing people...
I miss the challenges...
I miss sometimes getting info before other people..!!
I miss being in the centre of Gods purposes....
I miss......I miss......I miss.....
The "dislocation" feelings come directly as a part of the "missing" ....all of the busy busy busy- ness just dried up overnight..meetings stopped..emails stopped..questions stopped....planning stopped...serving stopped...it felt as if I had kinda disappeared of the radar....and I still miss all of it....especially the personal involvement and contacts....
I have been immersing myself in scripture and reading books and listening to some teaching CDs from ALM ...some of which has been painful to take on board but I know this is a time to believe that God has my future in His hands....Psalm 18 has been a tremendous help to me as well as some of the songs we have learned recently in church. As I have written this posting I am grateful for the feeling that the season of dislocation is passing and God has my days planned out for me..."to prosper and not to harm me" and I am therefor content in my "missing" if that makes sense.!!
I have thought back over the decades I have been a Christian and a part of my church community and realised that much of my spiritual life has been busy busy busy and it is in these seasons that a fair bit of my Spiritual growth has taken place. When I initiated the Deaf Ministry and later launched Kerith Kids and helped launch Hilltop...my life was incredibly busy and incredibly active and incredibly fulfilling. To get a ministry up and running meant tons of prayer...tons of scripture...tons of meetings..tons of contacts with the unchurched and unsaved and tons of ongoing support and interaction with church leaders and elders as well as amazing spiritual connection with others as teams were built on solid foundations. Several of my closest and oldest buddies had the birthing of our friendships during these intense times as we met...served..worked..prayed...cried...together on a mission to open the doors of our church community to those who were at that time (22years ago) largely ignored by churches all over the nation. I was also raising a family of three children and married to the best husband in the world so every part of our lives were busy busy busy not just Sundays.
In this last 2-3 years I once again found myself leading a ministry... (well.... I called it a ministry )...My ongoing vision statement was..."car parking isn't about cars it is about people " and I sensed the Spiritual side to this over the months as I built and encouraged team members...prayed...met with leaders and generally was busy busy busy that I was once more in a season of growth and looking back I realise that God was showing me much about myself as well as growing me in grace and mercy. With meeting other ministry leaders on a regular basis and fortnightly meetings with my "line manager " I prospered in many ways as rough edges were smoothed and encouragement to grow and to trust and to expect God to answer prayer was a regular feature in this busy busy busy time. The most significantly different part of this season of busy busy busy was that I was no longer raising the three children..they were pretty much raised !! and therefor the ministry busy-ness filled much more of my life than before...altho being the wife of still the best husband in the world meant I did carve some time out...that is when he wasn't being busy busy busy in his serving. Some of my best memories of the car parking ministry were times we served together..some weddings..funerals..and conferences...this was such a great time when we worked together to bless the church community.
For many reasons I laid down this ministry at the end of March...I so wish I could have the January to March months of that time back as I didn't finish well and I am cross with myself about that...it has taken me a while to move on from that particular pit. But here I am with no busy busy busy and boy am I dislocated. ....
I miss the hustle and bustle...
I miss the meetings...
I miss the interaction..
I miss my "line manager"
I miss the prayer...
I miss the encouragement..
I miss the thank yous...
I miss the emails...
I miss the questions...
I miss the weekly numbers info...
I miss being in the office....
I miss my teams...
I miss shaping the car parking for the future....
I miss being part of conference planning....
I miss the early mornings...
I miss blessing people...
I miss the challenges...
I miss sometimes getting info before other people..!!
I miss being in the centre of Gods purposes....
I miss......I miss......I miss.....
The "dislocation" feelings come directly as a part of the "missing" ....all of the busy busy busy- ness just dried up overnight..meetings stopped..emails stopped..questions stopped....planning stopped...serving stopped...it felt as if I had kinda disappeared of the radar....and I still miss all of it....especially the personal involvement and contacts....
I have been immersing myself in scripture and reading books and listening to some teaching CDs from ALM ...some of which has been painful to take on board but I know this is a time to believe that God has my future in His hands....Psalm 18 has been a tremendous help to me as well as some of the songs we have learned recently in church. As I have written this posting I am grateful for the feeling that the season of dislocation is passing and God has my days planned out for me..."to prosper and not to harm me" and I am therefor content in my "missing" if that makes sense.!!
Monday, 5 July 2010
Dislocated
Dislocated ...a word that has been buzzing around in my spirit for some time...I had planned to do a fair bit of blogging after my last entry and have been appalled by the fact it has been weeks since I last posted. I have so much "stuff" taking root in my head I thought blogging about it all would enable me to make sense of it all....but every time I thought I had a handle on the next entry it would just disappear again.
I have felt "dislocated"...weird word I know to describe what may just be blogging block.! The Oxford Dictionary says this of the word DISLOCATE =
1)disturb the normal connection....
2)disrupt..put out of order...
3)displace....
I have been trying to understand what I have been feeling and this word kept coming up in my mind...I have felt "dislocated"...and for last few weeks been trying to get my head..heart and spirit around this....
I attended the Unique Women's Conference at the weekend ...REAL...and several things happened during this time that have helped me to crystallize what I have been feeling. I am taking some time to process all that has been said and all that I experienced there and am feeling slightly more confident that I will be able to blog a bit more sensibly over next few days.
On a different note....Two major pieces of info to impart to anyone interested enough to follow my family sagas....Cat and Nick are now almost 21 weeks pregnant with a son.!! How amazing is that..God is the miracle maker and has blessed this family with this new life and I am a Granny -in -Waiting....and at the other end of the news spectrum...Chris my gorgeous hubby has finally got the date for his impending redundancy...his last day of full time work will be 30th Sept 2010. We are not surprised and in some ways its a relief as this has been hanging over us for almost 2 years. We feel excited by the future and praying that God will open doors for him to have a great role in whatever employment God has in store for him. Financially we wont panic till the end of the year..so ask me again nearer that time if we are still excited (!).
I have felt "dislocated"...weird word I know to describe what may just be blogging block.! The Oxford Dictionary says this of the word DISLOCATE =
1)disturb the normal connection....
2)disrupt..put out of order...
3)displace....
I have been trying to understand what I have been feeling and this word kept coming up in my mind...I have felt "dislocated"...and for last few weeks been trying to get my head..heart and spirit around this....
I attended the Unique Women's Conference at the weekend ...REAL...and several things happened during this time that have helped me to crystallize what I have been feeling. I am taking some time to process all that has been said and all that I experienced there and am feeling slightly more confident that I will be able to blog a bit more sensibly over next few days.
On a different note....Two major pieces of info to impart to anyone interested enough to follow my family sagas....Cat and Nick are now almost 21 weeks pregnant with a son.!! How amazing is that..God is the miracle maker and has blessed this family with this new life and I am a Granny -in -Waiting....and at the other end of the news spectrum...Chris my gorgeous hubby has finally got the date for his impending redundancy...his last day of full time work will be 30th Sept 2010. We are not surprised and in some ways its a relief as this has been hanging over us for almost 2 years. We feel excited by the future and praying that God will open doors for him to have a great role in whatever employment God has in store for him. Financially we wont panic till the end of the year..so ask me again nearer that time if we are still excited (!).
Monday, 10 May 2010
Moving on.......
After a few months break I am once more back "Living in the Shadow of Victory" and will hopefully keep blogging. If you are still planning on reading the blog then let me know and keep in touch. I am aiming to make this more interactive so feel free to leave comments or suggestions and if any of you want to meet up for coffee then yippeeeeee. One of the best things about blogs and Facebook is keeping in touch...but also the other great thing is renewing friendships and meeting folk for coffee ....so give me a call/email me and would love to meet up ....
I have had a very difficult few months and at times I thought I wasn't even living in the "the shadow" but had lost my way completely !....I took a couple of months out from writing this blog to work through the 60/60 experiment and that was very timely and has helped me enormously to find the "rock " again and to get back on my feet spiritually.
It will take a few entries to get clear in my mind what has been happening but it has been a kind of "shaking " time..I have felt at times that everything I thought about myself was being shaken and I have not liked this at all. As I have worked my way through all the misunderstandings and miscommunication and mistakes I realised that somehow or other I had lost confidence in myself ...in me...in the way I was as a person..in how I handled things...in how I was gifted....I seemed to have no hold on who I was or how I fitted into things any more. The two main areas of my life which have been fairly constant have been my ability to "communicate"....and to "encourage" and it seemed as if I had lost these gifts and certainly I lost the self confidence that was required to actually exercise these gifts. For a time I was floundering in a sea of confusion and believe me this is not a good place to be.....and it is only through making some hard decisions that I can begin to move on.
To enable me to gather myself back into some semblance of healing and wholeness I have taken the somewhat radical decision to lay down all that I am involved in with church. This is a strange place for me to be in....having been fully involved for decades in so much I now find myself with so much time ...physical ..spiritual and mind space...For years my body ...mind and spirit has been occupied with "church stuff"...meetings...arrangments...organising...serving...leading...praying....etc and now I have this empty space in these areas which I have found hard to cope with and yet know this is where God wants me to be right now. During the 60/60 experiment I was amazed at how much I needed to connect with God and how hard it was sometimes to keep the connection going so I know that for this next season of my journey I will be looking to God to fill up all the empty bits.
My ongoing scripture and prayer for myself at the moment is from
Philippians ch 1 verse 6 ...being confident in this...that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
I know that perhaps my self confidence maybe in tatters but the truth of this verse re-assures me that God has confidence that He will complete the work in me...
I have had a very difficult few months and at times I thought I wasn't even living in the "the shadow" but had lost my way completely !....I took a couple of months out from writing this blog to work through the 60/60 experiment and that was very timely and has helped me enormously to find the "rock " again and to get back on my feet spiritually.
It will take a few entries to get clear in my mind what has been happening but it has been a kind of "shaking " time..I have felt at times that everything I thought about myself was being shaken and I have not liked this at all. As I have worked my way through all the misunderstandings and miscommunication and mistakes I realised that somehow or other I had lost confidence in myself ...in me...in the way I was as a person..in how I handled things...in how I was gifted....I seemed to have no hold on who I was or how I fitted into things any more. The two main areas of my life which have been fairly constant have been my ability to "communicate"....and to "encourage" and it seemed as if I had lost these gifts and certainly I lost the self confidence that was required to actually exercise these gifts. For a time I was floundering in a sea of confusion and believe me this is not a good place to be.....and it is only through making some hard decisions that I can begin to move on.
To enable me to gather myself back into some semblance of healing and wholeness I have taken the somewhat radical decision to lay down all that I am involved in with church. This is a strange place for me to be in....having been fully involved for decades in so much I now find myself with so much time ...physical ..spiritual and mind space...For years my body ...mind and spirit has been occupied with "church stuff"...meetings...arrangments...organising...serving...leading...praying....etc and now I have this empty space in these areas which I have found hard to cope with and yet know this is where God wants me to be right now. During the 60/60 experiment I was amazed at how much I needed to connect with God and how hard it was sometimes to keep the connection going so I know that for this next season of my journey I will be looking to God to fill up all the empty bits.
My ongoing scripture and prayer for myself at the moment is from
Philippians ch 1 verse 6 ...being confident in this...that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
I know that perhaps my self confidence maybe in tatters but the truth of this verse re-assures me that God has confidence that He will complete the work in me...
Saturday, 6 March 2010
Saturday 6th March Day One ...60/60
Just a very quick post to let you know that I have closed the
"Shadow of Victory " blog for the moment and will be starting a new-ish blog based on the book written by John Burke ....The Soul Revolution....
If you want to access the blog as I do the experiment then you need to email me as blog will now be private.....if you want to do the 60/60 experiment with me then ...yippeeeeee....
This will be the last blog email/update you will receive from me via this blog ....may I take this moment to thank you for walking alongside me this last 14 months...your encouragement and love and support has kept me going in so many ways,
"Shadow of Victory " blog for the moment and will be starting a new-ish blog based on the book written by John Burke ....The Soul Revolution....
If you want to access the blog as I do the experiment then you need to email me as blog will now be private.....if you want to do the 60/60 experiment with me then ...yippeeeeee....
This will be the last blog email/update you will receive from me via this blog ....may I take this moment to thank you for walking alongside me this last 14 months...your encouragement and love and support has kept me going in so many ways,
Thursday, 18 February 2010
Thursday 18th February F is for Four Words
The Four F words......
F is for Failure....
F is for Focus......
F is for Follicles..
F is for Farewell...
I am off work today after a nocturnal migraine...very rare for me but it has left me feeling absolutely awful.!! My entry today is maybe partially influenced by how I am feeling at this moment but it has been brewing for some weeks.Let me say a little about each of the above F words....
F is for Failure....I am more and more aware of how many areas I still fail in...this last couple of years has seen me come face to face with glaring character faults...leading the car parking ministry has highlighted so much in my personality and character that I have tried so many times to change yet find myself once more in despair of ever being the person God intended me to be. Over the years I have walked along the way with other folk who seem way ahead of me in ability and maturity and I realise afresh just how far behind I am lagging. Every area of church life I am involved with whether it be
Lifegroup...Mentoring...Exposition...whatever ....I always feel like an exception as everyone goes about their lives. On the surface I "fit in " yet still feel like an onlooker....not truly part of the gang....For so many years and probably all of the 26 years of my life as a follower of Christ I have strived to overcome so much yet in so many areas I am still failing.
F is for Focus.......Simon is preaching a series on Life's Healing Choices and this last Sunday was all about FOCUS....He gave 7 keys to change and as I listened I knew these were going to be very important so I took notes...I only ever take notes when I am prompted by God .....as for someone who relies so much on lip reading to actually try and write and listen at the same time is very hard but I persevered. As I have looked at these notes and thought them through and discussed them in LG I have come to the conclusion I am still a failure. I struggle so much in LG ..the people are lovely ...and we are coming together as men in one place and women in another to facilitate discussion and open-ness but I know if I was to be really honest with this group I would feel completely on my own...so I don't contribute from deep within...it sometimes feels as if no-one else does..or maybe this is only my perception .But there are times when I do let my "mask" slip ..only to come home feeling extremely vulnerable....vowing never to share so deeply again..this week was one of those times.
F is for Follicles...I am not going to talk too much about this..just to say that I went with Catriona to have her scan and blood tests for her next stage on their IVF journey...the scan was awesome in that it showed the inside of my daughters ovaries...I am sure there is written somewhere that mums were not ever meant to see this kind of stuff LOL...but at the same time it was incredible to see the follicles maturing...all is well for the next stage and we are hopefully optimistic. I was very surprised to find myself weeping copiously as the nurse showed us around her womb.(!)....we then had some fun test driving some baby buggies in the Mothercare just across the road from the clinic...( I wonder if Mothercare chose this location next to an IVF clinic deliberately (!).. )...I always feel very calm about all that is going on with Cat and Nick but in the early hours of this morning I woke up just in time to reach the bathroom to be sick...a nocturnal migraine had me in its grip and they are no fun !!..so I made the decision to drug myself and head back to bed and took the day off work. I am made aware again that the underlying anxiety is obviously more than I think.
F is for Farewell....As some of you may know I have been debating about continuing the blog for some time and I have taken the decision to close it down. When I say close it down ...let me qualify..I may re-start it but as a private blog ( possibly invitation only )without public interaction. I truly still believe that "writing is my best chance of happiness" and want to continue to journal my feelings and thoughts but as I have been trying to make sense of how and what I am going through I know I haven't been able to journal as honestly as I would have liked knowing that other people may read the words I have written.Yet at the same time I have been so encouraged by the identification that so many people have emailed me about or left comments on the blog... There is still so much for me to deal with internally and altho our church is creating an great place for "no perfect people allowed" and we are creating an "its alright to say I am not fine "culture.... I am still struggling with who I am and how I am.
Last night at LG we sang one of those amazing worship songs where the words just seem to sum up all that I was feeling...let me leave you with some of the words.
A thousand times I have failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I am caught in your grace....Everlasting.....
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending Your glory goes beyond all fame...
Part of the chorus goes like this...
And the cry of my heart is to give you praise from the inside out Lord my soul cries out....
Today as I write this...these words are echo-ing from within...
F is for Failure....
F is for Focus......
F is for Follicles..
F is for Farewell...
I am off work today after a nocturnal migraine...very rare for me but it has left me feeling absolutely awful.!! My entry today is maybe partially influenced by how I am feeling at this moment but it has been brewing for some weeks.Let me say a little about each of the above F words....
F is for Failure....I am more and more aware of how many areas I still fail in...this last couple of years has seen me come face to face with glaring character faults...leading the car parking ministry has highlighted so much in my personality and character that I have tried so many times to change yet find myself once more in despair of ever being the person God intended me to be. Over the years I have walked along the way with other folk who seem way ahead of me in ability and maturity and I realise afresh just how far behind I am lagging. Every area of church life I am involved with whether it be
Lifegroup...Mentoring...Exposition...whatever ....I always feel like an exception as everyone goes about their lives. On the surface I "fit in " yet still feel like an onlooker....not truly part of the gang....For so many years and probably all of the 26 years of my life as a follower of Christ I have strived to overcome so much yet in so many areas I am still failing.
F is for Focus.......Simon is preaching a series on Life's Healing Choices and this last Sunday was all about FOCUS....He gave 7 keys to change and as I listened I knew these were going to be very important so I took notes...I only ever take notes when I am prompted by God .....as for someone who relies so much on lip reading to actually try and write and listen at the same time is very hard but I persevered. As I have looked at these notes and thought them through and discussed them in LG I have come to the conclusion I am still a failure. I struggle so much in LG ..the people are lovely ...and we are coming together as men in one place and women in another to facilitate discussion and open-ness but I know if I was to be really honest with this group I would feel completely on my own...so I don't contribute from deep within...it sometimes feels as if no-one else does..or maybe this is only my perception .But there are times when I do let my "mask" slip ..only to come home feeling extremely vulnerable....vowing never to share so deeply again..this week was one of those times.
F is for Follicles...I am not going to talk too much about this..just to say that I went with Catriona to have her scan and blood tests for her next stage on their IVF journey...the scan was awesome in that it showed the inside of my daughters ovaries...I am sure there is written somewhere that mums were not ever meant to see this kind of stuff LOL...but at the same time it was incredible to see the follicles maturing...all is well for the next stage and we are hopefully optimistic. I was very surprised to find myself weeping copiously as the nurse showed us around her womb.(!)....we then had some fun test driving some baby buggies in the Mothercare just across the road from the clinic...( I wonder if Mothercare chose this location next to an IVF clinic deliberately (!).. )...I always feel very calm about all that is going on with Cat and Nick but in the early hours of this morning I woke up just in time to reach the bathroom to be sick...a nocturnal migraine had me in its grip and they are no fun !!..so I made the decision to drug myself and head back to bed and took the day off work. I am made aware again that the underlying anxiety is obviously more than I think.
F is for Farewell....As some of you may know I have been debating about continuing the blog for some time and I have taken the decision to close it down. When I say close it down ...let me qualify..I may re-start it but as a private blog ( possibly invitation only )without public interaction. I truly still believe that "writing is my best chance of happiness" and want to continue to journal my feelings and thoughts but as I have been trying to make sense of how and what I am going through I know I haven't been able to journal as honestly as I would have liked knowing that other people may read the words I have written.Yet at the same time I have been so encouraged by the identification that so many people have emailed me about or left comments on the blog... There is still so much for me to deal with internally and altho our church is creating an great place for "no perfect people allowed" and we are creating an "its alright to say I am not fine "culture.... I am still struggling with who I am and how I am.
Last night at LG we sang one of those amazing worship songs where the words just seem to sum up all that I was feeling...let me leave you with some of the words.
A thousand times I have failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I am caught in your grace....Everlasting.....
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending Your glory goes beyond all fame...
Part of the chorus goes like this...
And the cry of my heart is to give you praise from the inside out Lord my soul cries out....
Today as I write this...these words are echo-ing from within...
Sunday, 14 February 2010
Sunday 14th February F is for Forward
F is for Forward.....well strictly speaking this entry should really be called "Pay it Forward "...but wanted to stick to the F words.!!
We have just spent Valentines evening together..enjoying a lovely roast dinner and watching a feel good film called "Pay it Forward" and it has had such a strong impact on us that I have literally walked through from the living room as the titles have gone up and started this blog...to get it all down while it was still fresh in my mind. Have you seen it ??... I don't ever remember it being in the cinema so perhaps it was a "straight to dvd " film..or maybe its really old..it was in the £2.99 section in Sainsbury yesterday and it was worth so much more than that.
I wont spoil all the storyline in case you want to watch it but suffice to say a school teacher challenged his class of 11 year olds to write an assignment based on "something that could change the world" and the wee boy who the story is based on outlined a plan where by he did something good to three people and then those three people had to "pay it forward " to three others ( thus making 9) and then those 9 had to "pay it forward " ( thus making 27) and so on and so on.....
Near the end after watching this all unfold the wee lad is interviewed as the "Founder " of this "Movement " called
"Pay it Forward "...(remember this is all fiction) ...and the wee lad says he didn't know it had worked and he thought it had not gone beyond his own 3 people because it
"had to be something really really really hard...and something that maybe you would be scared to do "
One of the people who did "pay it forward " had gone to her mum who had been a drunk and had neglected her growing up and who had become a bag lady of sorts and this person who was "paying it forward " found her mum amongst the street people and said "I forgive you " Watching this section of the film had me weeping ...identification always produces tears for me and as I saw the emotions playing out (remember this is fiction )...I once again saw the power in those words "I forgive you " and even now as I type I can feel tears forming as I " hear " the words of Jesus on the cross saying "Forgive them Father" and as I almost daily encounter Jesus showing me hard things..asking me hard things...but knowing that it is all about "paying it forward" ...God...who began a good work in me wants to complete it...He doesn't want me to "stay the way I am " He wants to change me and that's why He "paid it forward "for me . (remember this is NOT fiction )
As Chris and I watched the film we were incredibly moved by it and the power of doing "hard things"....and as the story developed we saw lots of stories unfold all over America...(remember this is fiction ) and many of the stories involved were about drunks and addicts and bullies....but there was also the ones about giving things to those who didn't have and being there for people who needed help....
"Pay it Forward " is almost a picture of what Jesus did for me..for each of us...He paid the price thousands of years ago so that I might be forgiven...He challenges me daily to "pay it forward " to others...if I did this every day of my life...if all of us "paid it forward" to 3 people as often as we could and they did the same and then those people did the same...
could we change the situation...
could we change ourselves...
could we change our families..
could we change our communities..
could we change our town....
could we change our world....
When Jesus "paid it forward " He began a revolution of love..peace..grace..mercy..forgiveness...and so much more...
He paid it forward for everyone..
not just for 3 people.....and it changed the world.....
I am going to be "paying it forward " this week...I am going to find 3 people who I can bless in some way...maybe not that big a thing but something that will change their world in a small way ..flowers...a card...a coffee invite..a letter...a smile.......maybe they will "pay it forward " and maybe if you are reading this blog you can do something similar to 3 people you know and ......hey before we know where we are we could have a "movement"...Actually I believe we already have a movement..its called the CHURCH....so lets all "Pay it Forward ".
We have just spent Valentines evening together..enjoying a lovely roast dinner and watching a feel good film called "Pay it Forward" and it has had such a strong impact on us that I have literally walked through from the living room as the titles have gone up and started this blog...to get it all down while it was still fresh in my mind. Have you seen it ??... I don't ever remember it being in the cinema so perhaps it was a "straight to dvd " film..or maybe its really old..it was in the £2.99 section in Sainsbury yesterday and it was worth so much more than that.
I wont spoil all the storyline in case you want to watch it but suffice to say a school teacher challenged his class of 11 year olds to write an assignment based on "something that could change the world" and the wee boy who the story is based on outlined a plan where by he did something good to three people and then those three people had to "pay it forward " to three others ( thus making 9) and then those 9 had to "pay it forward " ( thus making 27) and so on and so on.....
Near the end after watching this all unfold the wee lad is interviewed as the "Founder " of this "Movement " called
"Pay it Forward "...(remember this is all fiction) ...and the wee lad says he didn't know it had worked and he thought it had not gone beyond his own 3 people because it
"had to be something really really really hard...and something that maybe you would be scared to do "
One of the people who did "pay it forward " had gone to her mum who had been a drunk and had neglected her growing up and who had become a bag lady of sorts and this person who was "paying it forward " found her mum amongst the street people and said "I forgive you " Watching this section of the film had me weeping ...identification always produces tears for me and as I saw the emotions playing out (remember this is fiction )...I once again saw the power in those words "I forgive you " and even now as I type I can feel tears forming as I " hear " the words of Jesus on the cross saying "Forgive them Father" and as I almost daily encounter Jesus showing me hard things..asking me hard things...but knowing that it is all about "paying it forward" ...God...who began a good work in me wants to complete it...He doesn't want me to "stay the way I am " He wants to change me and that's why He "paid it forward "for me . (remember this is NOT fiction )
As Chris and I watched the film we were incredibly moved by it and the power of doing "hard things"....and as the story developed we saw lots of stories unfold all over America...(remember this is fiction ) and many of the stories involved were about drunks and addicts and bullies....but there was also the ones about giving things to those who didn't have and being there for people who needed help....
"Pay it Forward " is almost a picture of what Jesus did for me..for each of us...He paid the price thousands of years ago so that I might be forgiven...He challenges me daily to "pay it forward " to others...if I did this every day of my life...if all of us "paid it forward" to 3 people as often as we could and they did the same and then those people did the same...
could we change the situation...
could we change ourselves...
could we change our families..
could we change our communities..
could we change our town....
could we change our world....
When Jesus "paid it forward " He began a revolution of love..peace..grace..mercy..forgiveness...and so much more...
He paid it forward for everyone..
not just for 3 people.....and it changed the world.....
I am going to be "paying it forward " this week...I am going to find 3 people who I can bless in some way...maybe not that big a thing but something that will change their world in a small way ..flowers...a card...a coffee invite..a letter...a smile.......maybe they will "pay it forward " and maybe if you are reading this blog you can do something similar to 3 people you know and ......hey before we know where we are we could have a "movement"...Actually I believe we already have a movement..its called the CHURCH....so lets all "Pay it Forward ".
Friday, 12 February 2010
Friday 12th February F is for Funerals
F is for Funerals....or as we know in our church its usually a celebration of the persons life and a time to give thanks for who they were..to remember ...smile..laugh..weep and be together with many who share memories of the one who has died. Today I was once again honoured to be able to serve a family from within our community as they said goodbye to RB.
I was standing in a drizzly kind of rain in the cold watching members of RBs brass band arrive complete with all their amazing instruments...some I didn't even know the name of and then parking the many friends and family who came together for this time.I reflected that it was the 5th Funeral/Thanksgiving we had had in a few months and my heart seemed full of grief and sadness as I greeted so many people...I also know that at some point very soon we may have another similar occasion as a family I know is saying goodbye to K..a much loved wife..mummy and friend to so many.
I love serving like this as it gives me time to pray specifically for those who are experiencing grief and sadness whilst I stand there ...folk may look and wonder what on earth I am doing as they may see my lips move and at times I am pretending to talk on the radios when in fact I am talking to the God !!
In fact I love to serve in the car park...many people who know me think I am daft...and have wondered why I do what I do...and what on earth I get out of it...I know there are times in every volunteer area where we just get on and do it and not actually get anything "out of it" but it is rare that I get to the end of a car parking session and don't come away buzzing and feeling I have given my all.(and with the size of our car park there are many times when I have literally given my all !!)
I am actually reflecting a lot about my car parking at the moment for personal reasons...and it has given me time to think about the "why"...what is it about being there to welcome people that makes me come alive ...what is it that has kept me going through the wind..rain..snow...stress...panic....rudeness...tiredness....what is it that keeps me getting up early...re-arranging my work life...changing commitments..taking unpaid leave from work to serve at conferences....serving at weddings and funerals of people who I don't really know well....as well as regularly on Sundays.
I am not going to start patting myself on the back and saying "well done good and faithful servant" or expect other people to keep on saying thank you
(and people do )...The main reason I have done this for almost three years is simply because God has called me to it.I have always known it was a calling from God as it is SO not my natural habitat...I am an indoors person..I am an up front person..I would much prefer a microphone than a radio/walkie talkie.....and a platform rather than a car park....But somehow or other God put something of His heart in me to be someone who is there to welcome others into the community known as Kerith Community Church and especially to welcome at those events that may draw those who don't yet know Jesus. My Vision Statement for Car Parking has always been..
Car Parking isnt about CARS..its about PEOPLE
And yet...Despite a deep sense of Gods calling....I know I cant go on....I have beaten myself up so many times in the last few weeks as I have struggled with so many confusing emotions. I am not going to share too deeply here as it is an ongoing work of God in my life that I need some time to work through. I feel a complete wreck and failure and disappointed with myself and at the same time I feel complete relief that I have made this decision. I didn't come to it lightly or without much thought..prayer and talking it through. Those who are close to me will know just how much I have wrestled with this decision and how many times I have pressed on...and on...Even as I served today I could feel such deep sadness that I wont be doing it much longer and then confusingly great relief and peace knowing I wouldn't be doing it much longer. Confused yet?? I have been too..!!
Over the 26 years I have been a Christian and served in just about every area of community life and initiated several ministries..eg Deaf Ministry and Kerith Kids I have always struggled with laying things down...how to leave behind an ongoing ministry...I have always thought it was an admittance of failure to stop doing something especially when it was going well....and at times when there is no clear leadership handover. Until I read a book called Courageous Leadership by Bill Hybels...I struggled to know exactly who/what kind of leader I am.....Bill is one of my heroes...he leads the Willow Creek Campus in Chicago and I had the immense privilege of going there last summer for their Leadership Summit...I even stood about 2 feet away from him for a few minutes in the coffee shop (!)...but he writes about Leadership with such great insight and this has helped me to grow and mature....and I have found myself once again dipping into his books over the last few weeks looking for insight into my confusion.
So...F is for Funerals... and I guess "endings"...and it is with huge sadness that I realise that there will come.... very soon..an "ending" to my leading the car parking team ministry........I may not hang up the yellow jacket this is still an ongoing decision I am wrestling with but certainly leading the gang of yellow men and women is coming to a close in next few weeks. The teams have been amazing..I have felt great joy serving alongside each and everyone of them..not least my gorgeous hubby who has served alongside me so many times when he isn't also inside serving the audio desk.
Let me leave you with this scripture which has been one of my life verses for years
1 Corinthians ch 15 verse 58 says this.....Therefore my dear brothers,stand firm. Let nothing move you.Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord,because you know that your labour in the Lord is not in vain.
I was standing in a drizzly kind of rain in the cold watching members of RBs brass band arrive complete with all their amazing instruments...some I didn't even know the name of and then parking the many friends and family who came together for this time.I reflected that it was the 5th Funeral/Thanksgiving we had had in a few months and my heart seemed full of grief and sadness as I greeted so many people...I also know that at some point very soon we may have another similar occasion as a family I know is saying goodbye to K..a much loved wife..mummy and friend to so many.
I love serving like this as it gives me time to pray specifically for those who are experiencing grief and sadness whilst I stand there ...folk may look and wonder what on earth I am doing as they may see my lips move and at times I am pretending to talk on the radios when in fact I am talking to the God !!
In fact I love to serve in the car park...many people who know me think I am daft...and have wondered why I do what I do...and what on earth I get out of it...I know there are times in every volunteer area where we just get on and do it and not actually get anything "out of it" but it is rare that I get to the end of a car parking session and don't come away buzzing and feeling I have given my all.(and with the size of our car park there are many times when I have literally given my all !!)
I am actually reflecting a lot about my car parking at the moment for personal reasons...and it has given me time to think about the "why"...what is it about being there to welcome people that makes me come alive ...what is it that has kept me going through the wind..rain..snow...stress...panic....rudeness...tiredness....what is it that keeps me getting up early...re-arranging my work life...changing commitments..taking unpaid leave from work to serve at conferences....serving at weddings and funerals of people who I don't really know well....as well as regularly on Sundays.
I am not going to start patting myself on the back and saying "well done good and faithful servant" or expect other people to keep on saying thank you
(and people do )...The main reason I have done this for almost three years is simply because God has called me to it.I have always known it was a calling from God as it is SO not my natural habitat...I am an indoors person..I am an up front person..I would much prefer a microphone than a radio/walkie talkie.....and a platform rather than a car park....But somehow or other God put something of His heart in me to be someone who is there to welcome others into the community known as Kerith Community Church and especially to welcome at those events that may draw those who don't yet know Jesus. My Vision Statement for Car Parking has always been..
Car Parking isnt about CARS..its about PEOPLE
And yet...Despite a deep sense of Gods calling....I know I cant go on....I have beaten myself up so many times in the last few weeks as I have struggled with so many confusing emotions. I am not going to share too deeply here as it is an ongoing work of God in my life that I need some time to work through. I feel a complete wreck and failure and disappointed with myself and at the same time I feel complete relief that I have made this decision. I didn't come to it lightly or without much thought..prayer and talking it through. Those who are close to me will know just how much I have wrestled with this decision and how many times I have pressed on...and on...Even as I served today I could feel such deep sadness that I wont be doing it much longer and then confusingly great relief and peace knowing I wouldn't be doing it much longer. Confused yet?? I have been too..!!
Over the 26 years I have been a Christian and served in just about every area of community life and initiated several ministries..eg Deaf Ministry and Kerith Kids I have always struggled with laying things down...how to leave behind an ongoing ministry...I have always thought it was an admittance of failure to stop doing something especially when it was going well....and at times when there is no clear leadership handover. Until I read a book called Courageous Leadership by Bill Hybels...I struggled to know exactly who/what kind of leader I am.....Bill is one of my heroes...he leads the Willow Creek Campus in Chicago and I had the immense privilege of going there last summer for their Leadership Summit...I even stood about 2 feet away from him for a few minutes in the coffee shop (!)...but he writes about Leadership with such great insight and this has helped me to grow and mature....and I have found myself once again dipping into his books over the last few weeks looking for insight into my confusion.
So...F is for Funerals... and I guess "endings"...and it is with huge sadness that I realise that there will come.... very soon..an "ending" to my leading the car parking team ministry........I may not hang up the yellow jacket this is still an ongoing decision I am wrestling with but certainly leading the gang of yellow men and women is coming to a close in next few weeks. The teams have been amazing..I have felt great joy serving alongside each and everyone of them..not least my gorgeous hubby who has served alongside me so many times when he isn't also inside serving the audio desk.
Let me leave you with this scripture which has been one of my life verses for years
1 Corinthians ch 15 verse 58 says this.....Therefore my dear brothers,stand firm. Let nothing move you.Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord,because you know that your labour in the Lord is not in vain.
Tuesday, 9 February 2010
Tuesday 9th February...F is for Fertility
F is for Fertility...no..nothing to do with me..!!
This morning I went with Cat for one of her appointments and since then I have been thinking through the whole journey she and Nick are on. We arrived at this rather space age looking building called " The Institute of Reproductive Sciences" As we sat in the car together and then in the waiting room I said to her " it wasn't meant to be like this " and as I looked around the clinic waiting room I saw a group of women of all ages sitting with either mums or husbands or partners and several on their own and I guessed for them too "it wasn't meant to be like this "
As her appointment was running late my mind wandered here ....there and everywhere as various doctors and nurses and patients went in and out of rooms. It was all very clinical and no-one spoke above whispers and no-one made eye contact with one another. There was no shared camaraderie even tho I know that everyone was there for the same reason....everyone seemed wrapped in their own world.I wondered how many attempts some of them had made..or if this was their first visit...I wondered about the ones who were there alone..I wondered about the ones who clutched large files...I wondered if they wondered about Catriona !! The clinic nurse was warm and humorous as she showed Cat the next stage of her treatment and detailed the appointment time scales etc and then we were back in the car driving back to Bracknell.We were quiet on the way home and I kept hearing this refrain in my head..."it wasnt meant to be like this "
It seems surreal for me as her mum to be walking this journey with my daughter. I was so aware that the clinic waiting room was like a very small drop in the ocean of Fertility....it was one waiting room in one clinic on one morning which would have been reproduced all over the nation on a huge scale and on a daily basis . I am humbled by this fact...whilst Catriona is only one person..one daughter...in the grand scale of things she is also just one of so many...and "it wasn't meant to be like this " for any of the women I saw this morning.
I am humbled in the spiritual sense also that I know God is in charge of Cat and Nicks journey ..I know He is sovereign...I know He is the author of life...I know He is the healer....I know He can produce a miracle...I know...I know ..I know..
There is no way we can ever prepare ourselves for things that "arent meant to be this way"..there is no course we can go on to find out the best ten steps to dealing with this....there is no fast track to coping ....
There is only God...
There is only His Spirit....
There is only Jesus...
In Him alone ....
This morning I went with Cat for one of her appointments and since then I have been thinking through the whole journey she and Nick are on. We arrived at this rather space age looking building called " The Institute of Reproductive Sciences" As we sat in the car together and then in the waiting room I said to her " it wasn't meant to be like this " and as I looked around the clinic waiting room I saw a group of women of all ages sitting with either mums or husbands or partners and several on their own and I guessed for them too "it wasn't meant to be like this "
As her appointment was running late my mind wandered here ....there and everywhere as various doctors and nurses and patients went in and out of rooms. It was all very clinical and no-one spoke above whispers and no-one made eye contact with one another. There was no shared camaraderie even tho I know that everyone was there for the same reason....everyone seemed wrapped in their own world.I wondered how many attempts some of them had made..or if this was their first visit...I wondered about the ones who were there alone..I wondered about the ones who clutched large files...I wondered if they wondered about Catriona !! The clinic nurse was warm and humorous as she showed Cat the next stage of her treatment and detailed the appointment time scales etc and then we were back in the car driving back to Bracknell.We were quiet on the way home and I kept hearing this refrain in my head..."it wasnt meant to be like this "
It seems surreal for me as her mum to be walking this journey with my daughter. I was so aware that the clinic waiting room was like a very small drop in the ocean of Fertility....it was one waiting room in one clinic on one morning which would have been reproduced all over the nation on a huge scale and on a daily basis . I am humbled by this fact...whilst Catriona is only one person..one daughter...in the grand scale of things she is also just one of so many...and "it wasn't meant to be like this " for any of the women I saw this morning.
I am humbled in the spiritual sense also that I know God is in charge of Cat and Nicks journey ..I know He is sovereign...I know He is the author of life...I know He is the healer....I know He can produce a miracle...I know...I know ..I know..
There is no way we can ever prepare ourselves for things that "arent meant to be this way"..there is no course we can go on to find out the best ten steps to dealing with this....there is no fast track to coping ....
There is only God...
There is only His Spirit....
There is only Jesus...
In Him alone ....
Monday, 1 February 2010
Monday 1st February . F is for Fun
F is for Fun...and F is for February and I want to know who stole January ! With all the snow and disruption it seems as if January disappeared and we are now rolling on into Spring.
This is just a short entry to post some fun !!....I spent some time on Saturday with the Exposition group...this is the writing group that the church has under the Unique Women's Ministry banner and we had a day away planned which was excellent in many ways. Joining in with a group of women of all ages ..sharing our words and thoughts together was stimulating and challenging. It was all the more challenging for me as for the last 3 meetings the group has focus-ed on poetry....and just to explain..
I do not "do " poetry..don't write it ..don't like it...don't read it...just plain don't "do"!!
I will hopefully work out how to post my offering of poetry with this blog but I wanted to share a kind of "epiphany" I have had about myself brought about by Exposition over the last year. For as long as I can remember I have always felt slightly inferior with regard to academic ability...leaving school at 16 with O levels and never really undertaking any higher education I am very aware that I often mix with folk who have degrees and are hugely more intelligent that me in the academic sense. Exposition has stretched me way beyond my comfort zone and at times I have often thought to give up ..especially when it began to focus on poetry...In the run up to the day the emails were flying with all the poems being sent round so we all knew each persons offerings.I only had to read some of the introductions and explanations to realise that I was way out of my depth...and then reading the actual poetry just blew me out of the water.
But..I have slowly reached an acceptance and understanding of who I am and what I have to offer and decided that rather than try and be what I most definitely am not...I would just be myself and write as I see it.This in itself is a step forward for me as I have sometimes found myself pretending to be other than I am...if that makes sense? Have you ever sat in a group doing ice breaker kind of activities and you have to say something "encouraging" about each person in the room...or where you have to use one word to describe each person in the room?? Over the years if ever this has been my experience the main thing people would say about me would be comments about "how funny I am "...or about "my sense of humour " and whilst there isn't anything wrong with that I have so often wanted the words "wise " "spiritual" "strong" "adaptable"...and other remarks like this...and at times I have said "I wish people could see past my humour " to the real me.!!
The awakening realisation I have been experiencing for this last year is that actually being funny...humerous...bringing laughter into life is a vital part of the "real me " and is a gift in itself and I could relax into it without feeling in any way inferior. As we all shared our poetry on the Away Day and each of us read our offerings I was so very aware that each persons poem was much deeper and more mysterious and needed lots of thought to get the meaning and to understand and grasp the truth of the words they had written. I knew as my turn approached that there was no hidden meaning..no depth...no mystery...just laughter at the basic humanity of a woman. In the past I would have felt so very much out of place and been nervous and worrying about what others perceived me to be...but instead I just felt a complete and utter freedom that I had written something fairly good and very funny and it provoked exactly the reaction I had expected..planned ...and wanted...laughter...much hooting and giggles.!!
Fun is good..laughter is precious...and if my wee poem makes you giggle then this blog entry has been worthwhile...
JUST ONCE
Just once,
Can I get through the day
without squeezing whilst sneezing
or holding tough when I cough
when walking to the car seems way too far.
Just once,
Can I get through the day?
without a queue for the loo
or crossing of legs like pegs
When running for buses causes down below fusses.
Just once,
Can I get through the day
without Senna or Tena
or creeping whilst seeping
when a heavenly sigh confirms that I am dry,
Just once,
Can I get through the day
without slickers as knickers
or whinging and cringing
when the cold hits the tight bits.
Just once,
Can I get through the day,
without a sneak for a leak
or constant wee-ing and pee-ing
when daytime dribbling becomes nocturnal widdling.
This is just a short entry to post some fun !!....I spent some time on Saturday with the Exposition group...this is the writing group that the church has under the Unique Women's Ministry banner and we had a day away planned which was excellent in many ways. Joining in with a group of women of all ages ..sharing our words and thoughts together was stimulating and challenging. It was all the more challenging for me as for the last 3 meetings the group has focus-ed on poetry....and just to explain..
I do not "do " poetry..don't write it ..don't like it...don't read it...just plain don't "do"!!
I will hopefully work out how to post my offering of poetry with this blog but I wanted to share a kind of "epiphany" I have had about myself brought about by Exposition over the last year. For as long as I can remember I have always felt slightly inferior with regard to academic ability...leaving school at 16 with O levels and never really undertaking any higher education I am very aware that I often mix with folk who have degrees and are hugely more intelligent that me in the academic sense. Exposition has stretched me way beyond my comfort zone and at times I have often thought to give up ..especially when it began to focus on poetry...In the run up to the day the emails were flying with all the poems being sent round so we all knew each persons offerings.I only had to read some of the introductions and explanations to realise that I was way out of my depth...and then reading the actual poetry just blew me out of the water.
But..I have slowly reached an acceptance and understanding of who I am and what I have to offer and decided that rather than try and be what I most definitely am not...I would just be myself and write as I see it.This in itself is a step forward for me as I have sometimes found myself pretending to be other than I am...if that makes sense? Have you ever sat in a group doing ice breaker kind of activities and you have to say something "encouraging" about each person in the room...or where you have to use one word to describe each person in the room?? Over the years if ever this has been my experience the main thing people would say about me would be comments about "how funny I am "...or about "my sense of humour " and whilst there isn't anything wrong with that I have so often wanted the words "wise " "spiritual" "strong" "adaptable"...and other remarks like this...and at times I have said "I wish people could see past my humour " to the real me.!!
The awakening realisation I have been experiencing for this last year is that actually being funny...humerous...bringing laughter into life is a vital part of the "real me " and is a gift in itself and I could relax into it without feeling in any way inferior. As we all shared our poetry on the Away Day and each of us read our offerings I was so very aware that each persons poem was much deeper and more mysterious and needed lots of thought to get the meaning and to understand and grasp the truth of the words they had written. I knew as my turn approached that there was no hidden meaning..no depth...no mystery...just laughter at the basic humanity of a woman. In the past I would have felt so very much out of place and been nervous and worrying about what others perceived me to be...but instead I just felt a complete and utter freedom that I had written something fairly good and very funny and it provoked exactly the reaction I had expected..planned ...and wanted...laughter...much hooting and giggles.!!
Fun is good..laughter is precious...and if my wee poem makes you giggle then this blog entry has been worthwhile...
JUST ONCE
Just once,
Can I get through the day
without squeezing whilst sneezing
or holding tough when I cough
when walking to the car seems way too far.
Just once,
Can I get through the day?
without a queue for the loo
or crossing of legs like pegs
When running for buses causes down below fusses.
Just once,
Can I get through the day
without Senna or Tena
or creeping whilst seeping
when a heavenly sigh confirms that I am dry,
Just once,
Can I get through the day
without slickers as knickers
or whinging and cringing
when the cold hits the tight bits.
Just once,
Can I get through the day,
without a sneak for a leak
or constant wee-ing and pee-ing
when daytime dribbling becomes nocturnal widdling.
Saturday, 30 January 2010
Saturday 30th January F is for Fifty Five..
F is for Fifty Five.....Today is my birthday and I am fifty five years old.! Surely not my "inside me " cries ...where did the last 30 years go? My body is feeling the advance of age but my mind..thoughts..heart and spirit are still playing catch up and in fact may never catch up as I intend to grow younger from now on. My gorgeous hubby tells me I am now in my mid fifties (!)and as he is rapidly approaching sixty I feel quietly confident he will always be older than me !!
As the years have swiftly whizzed by I find the actual day of the birthday can just drift by and not stand out from any other day but today has been a
"stand out" day in many ways.....each small event bringing me much joy and a sense of being cossetted and loved and special. The day began ...
Hug from hubby and a whisper of "happy birthday babe " ( still a babe at 55 ..cant be bad )
Extra hour in bed to just snooze again...
Cup of tea in bed ...
Visit from number two son and girlfriend bearing flowers and perfume and cards.. (those of you who know number two son will know just how much that is a blessing !! and something very special )
Cards and pressies...books...cash...more flowers...( love tulips )
Tickets to see The Sound of Music...(yiipppeeeee )
Friend bearing Starbucks and pain au chocolat ( oh she may never know how that reached deep into my soul and made tender the sore bits )
Time spent with women sharing words...emotions...life..( what a privilege )
Hospitality showered upon us over lunch...( cant express how that hour was so precious )
Fish and chips with my man...( we love Wetherspoons..I am such a cheap date )
Cinema..Book of Eli...thought provoking and poignant...
Facebook greetings from so many friends...
Looking forward to my family all sharing time and space as we lunch together tomorrow....(this is a gift in itself and I know deep gratitude that we can be together )
Birthdays....there have been so many of them and so few which are
"stand out " days...but today this day of reaching my mid fifties has been such a day...I am increasingly aware I have so much to be thankful for and for today I am just that...thankful.
Hebrews ch 12 v 28 says this
Therefore , since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken,let us be thankful,and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe .
As the years have swiftly whizzed by I find the actual day of the birthday can just drift by and not stand out from any other day but today has been a
"stand out" day in many ways.....each small event bringing me much joy and a sense of being cossetted and loved and special. The day began ...
Hug from hubby and a whisper of "happy birthday babe " ( still a babe at 55 ..cant be bad )
Extra hour in bed to just snooze again...
Cup of tea in bed ...
Visit from number two son and girlfriend bearing flowers and perfume and cards.. (those of you who know number two son will know just how much that is a blessing !! and something very special )
Cards and pressies...books...cash...more flowers...( love tulips )
Tickets to see The Sound of Music...(yiipppeeeee )
Friend bearing Starbucks and pain au chocolat ( oh she may never know how that reached deep into my soul and made tender the sore bits )
Time spent with women sharing words...emotions...life..( what a privilege )
Hospitality showered upon us over lunch...( cant express how that hour was so precious )
Fish and chips with my man...( we love Wetherspoons..I am such a cheap date )
Cinema..Book of Eli...thought provoking and poignant...
Facebook greetings from so many friends...
Looking forward to my family all sharing time and space as we lunch together tomorrow....(this is a gift in itself and I know deep gratitude that we can be together )
Birthdays....there have been so many of them and so few which are
"stand out " days...but today this day of reaching my mid fifties has been such a day...I am increasingly aware I have so much to be thankful for and for today I am just that...thankful.
Hebrews ch 12 v 28 says this
Therefore , since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken,let us be thankful,and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe .
Thursday, 21 January 2010
Thursday 21st January F is for Faith
F is for Faith and with each day that passes this week I find I am growing in Faith...God has been very evidently with me each day as friends have gathered here to pray for Cat and Nick and each evening as we have gathered as a community. There is something about the
"two or three gathered in my name..there I will be also "
that builds faith into our spirits and certainly for me I have felt Gods spirit do a new work in me.
I have run out of thank you words for those of you who have taken time out to stand with me " in the gap " for my daughter...I so appreciate you all...this morning I was pretty certain I would be on my own and had just sat down with the candles lit and the bible open and the doorbell went..followed twice more so we were four today .We did business!! We found a well known passage...Romans CH 8 but read it from The Message version and boy did that sound different so we ran with it and prayed through it. Gods word is like a double edged sword !!
Each day we have met we have also included everyones children and for me to be able to pray for so many peoples children has also given me much joy. Our children are all so very precious and as mums we feel every one of their hurts and want to hold them close....that's fine when they are 5 or 6 years old but when they are adults who have made mistakes or have a deep need it is much harder to hold them close and sometimes the only way to do it is to pray.
This evening the worship again focus-ed on the words
"the same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in me "
And once more we prayed for that power to release us from sin...from things that have held us captive for years and we spoke out words of faith. I spent a fair bit of time praying about my food addiction and asking God for that same power to not only live in me but to bring me complete freedom.Over the week as I have fasted I have felt a measure of release from addiction and in faith I am believing that God is doing a new work in this area.
As an aside ...for the first time that I can remember the meeting was attended by ALL the Elders and at one point Ben asked them to come to the front and to pray/prophesy...as they spoke I felt a real sense of holiness in the words they spoke. They spoke out big things for us as a community and as individuals and looking at them I knew that God had called them into a team for "such a time as this"..As they stood they probably weren't aware that they represented a powerful body of men and that for me they inspired immense trust to follow them and to take their words and direction into my spirit. I feel a sense of privilege in being a part of a community led by such a Godly group of guys.
I am still writing in my journal on a daily basis all that I am thinking through and praying through this week and once I make sense of it I may blog a bit more. I keep on saying that "writing is my best chance of happiness" and for me to write helps me process it all . So many times I have heard God speak or show me something and I haven't kept a note of it and then lose out on the ability to work and pray it through.Even as I type this my memory is in overdrive lest I forget ...but I guess I must rely on God to bring to remembrance that which He wants me to understand.
F is for Finally.....I would love to hear how this week has been for you ..whether you have fasted or prayed or not...My prayer is that God will keep on filling you with His Holy Spirit on a day by day basis as you live out your lives in the light of His holiness.
"two or three gathered in my name..there I will be also "
that builds faith into our spirits and certainly for me I have felt Gods spirit do a new work in me.
I have run out of thank you words for those of you who have taken time out to stand with me " in the gap " for my daughter...I so appreciate you all...this morning I was pretty certain I would be on my own and had just sat down with the candles lit and the bible open and the doorbell went..followed twice more so we were four today .We did business!! We found a well known passage...Romans CH 8 but read it from The Message version and boy did that sound different so we ran with it and prayed through it. Gods word is like a double edged sword !!
Each day we have met we have also included everyones children and for me to be able to pray for so many peoples children has also given me much joy. Our children are all so very precious and as mums we feel every one of their hurts and want to hold them close....that's fine when they are 5 or 6 years old but when they are adults who have made mistakes or have a deep need it is much harder to hold them close and sometimes the only way to do it is to pray.
This evening the worship again focus-ed on the words
"the same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in me "
And once more we prayed for that power to release us from sin...from things that have held us captive for years and we spoke out words of faith. I spent a fair bit of time praying about my food addiction and asking God for that same power to not only live in me but to bring me complete freedom.Over the week as I have fasted I have felt a measure of release from addiction and in faith I am believing that God is doing a new work in this area.
As an aside ...for the first time that I can remember the meeting was attended by ALL the Elders and at one point Ben asked them to come to the front and to pray/prophesy...as they spoke I felt a real sense of holiness in the words they spoke. They spoke out big things for us as a community and as individuals and looking at them I knew that God had called them into a team for "such a time as this"..As they stood they probably weren't aware that they represented a powerful body of men and that for me they inspired immense trust to follow them and to take their words and direction into my spirit. I feel a sense of privilege in being a part of a community led by such a Godly group of guys.
I am still writing in my journal on a daily basis all that I am thinking through and praying through this week and once I make sense of it I may blog a bit more. I keep on saying that "writing is my best chance of happiness" and for me to write helps me process it all . So many times I have heard God speak or show me something and I haven't kept a note of it and then lose out on the ability to work and pray it through.Even as I type this my memory is in overdrive lest I forget ...but I guess I must rely on God to bring to remembrance that which He wants me to understand.
F is for Finally.....I would love to hear how this week has been for you ..whether you have fasted or prayed or not...My prayer is that God will keep on filling you with His Holy Spirit on a day by day basis as you live out your lives in the light of His holiness.
Wednesday, 20 January 2010
Wednesday 20th January F is for Fear and Failure
Wow...day three of fasting and all urge to eat has gone but hey I am still desperate for a telly fix and a fiction fix.!! Isn't it strange the things that are not wrong in themselves can have such a hold on me. I would never think I am addicted as such to these things but as the desire to do them is so strong I can only assume there is an element of addiction there.
I am so glad that I am participating in this week and so grateful for friends who have come alongside me to pray each day and for the evenings when we gather as a community . This has opened up the way for God to speak and to bless me so deeply so far.Today my bestest buddy came and together we knocked on heavens door and read and shared scripture and shared what we felt God was saying and allowed the tenderness of God to touch our innermost being. I was deeply touched when she prayed not just for Cat and Nick to have a child but for me to be a grandmother.
For Cat and Nick ...I ache in a way I find it difficult to express as they have walked this journey for the last 2 years but somewhere deep in the deepest recess of my heart there is also my own anguish about being a granny.In the same way that I know Cat struggles with her friends and peers having babies whilst her arms remain empty I have watched most of my friends and peers become Grandmothers over and over again.So to have prayer today for this was timely and I am grateful that my friend was prompted to do so.
So...F is for Fear....and F is for Failure These have always been F words that have caused me huge problems in the past but I know that God is doing a new work in me this last couple of years and tonight as we worshipped I knew God was speaking to me about this again. I knew God was "applauding " me .! We were singing the words of the song "take me as you find me ..all my fears and failures..fill my life again " and as we sang I found myself weeping as the truth again was impressed upon my spirit....That God takes me exactly as I am ...today..tonight ..tomorrow...nothing I can do in any way will cause God to turn away from me...I will always be welcome in His presence ...In the past I have often "run away" from God if there was any element of failure or fear in my life ..preferring to run first rather than wait for rejection...but one thing I am so grateful for is that I don't need to run away and that even when I know I have made a mess that I can still come into His presence and there are times when that truth is overwhelming and tonight was one of those moments.
I am continuing to fast and continuing to pray and continuing to read the bible for the rest of this time and will break my fast on Friday evening.I have found that giving God time to reveal His scripture to me has been an adventure...giving time to meet with friends has awakened a hunger in me for hanging out again with friends who will "take me up "...Simon B writes in his blog about being wise who you hang out with..who you spend time with... I have been so blessed all week with the great friends who have met with me and today has given me such a boost with prayer in the morning and a lovely and blessed time with an incredibly gentle and tender friend in the afternoon and then an affirming and challenging time this evening....and one of the goals I will implement from this week will be to actively seek out friends who I know will encourage me in daily seeking God....to be "intentional" about who I spend time with.
One of my hopes and prayers for this week was that I would get closer to God...see Him more clearly and hear with greater clarity what He is saying to me and I am not disappointed. It seems as if every scripture I have meditated on... every paragraph I have read in the two books I am reading has truth within that has caused me to stop and think.I am so aware of the words we have been singing and each time we have gathered to worship has seemed like a personal conversation with the Holy Spirit .One of the things we asked God for this evening was a "fresh revelation" and my heart is already grateful for this and yet I know there is so much more.
If you are fasting and/or praying this week...my hope is that you too will have had a fresh revelation and know more of Gods heart for you.
I am so glad that I am participating in this week and so grateful for friends who have come alongside me to pray each day and for the evenings when we gather as a community . This has opened up the way for God to speak and to bless me so deeply so far.Today my bestest buddy came and together we knocked on heavens door and read and shared scripture and shared what we felt God was saying and allowed the tenderness of God to touch our innermost being. I was deeply touched when she prayed not just for Cat and Nick to have a child but for me to be a grandmother.
For Cat and Nick ...I ache in a way I find it difficult to express as they have walked this journey for the last 2 years but somewhere deep in the deepest recess of my heart there is also my own anguish about being a granny.In the same way that I know Cat struggles with her friends and peers having babies whilst her arms remain empty I have watched most of my friends and peers become Grandmothers over and over again.So to have prayer today for this was timely and I am grateful that my friend was prompted to do so.
So...F is for Fear....and F is for Failure These have always been F words that have caused me huge problems in the past but I know that God is doing a new work in me this last couple of years and tonight as we worshipped I knew God was speaking to me about this again. I knew God was "applauding " me .! We were singing the words of the song "take me as you find me ..all my fears and failures..fill my life again " and as we sang I found myself weeping as the truth again was impressed upon my spirit....That God takes me exactly as I am ...today..tonight ..tomorrow...nothing I can do in any way will cause God to turn away from me...I will always be welcome in His presence ...In the past I have often "run away" from God if there was any element of failure or fear in my life ..preferring to run first rather than wait for rejection...but one thing I am so grateful for is that I don't need to run away and that even when I know I have made a mess that I can still come into His presence and there are times when that truth is overwhelming and tonight was one of those moments.
I am continuing to fast and continuing to pray and continuing to read the bible for the rest of this time and will break my fast on Friday evening.I have found that giving God time to reveal His scripture to me has been an adventure...giving time to meet with friends has awakened a hunger in me for hanging out again with friends who will "take me up "...Simon B writes in his blog about being wise who you hang out with..who you spend time with... I have been so blessed all week with the great friends who have met with me and today has given me such a boost with prayer in the morning and a lovely and blessed time with an incredibly gentle and tender friend in the afternoon and then an affirming and challenging time this evening....and one of the goals I will implement from this week will be to actively seek out friends who I know will encourage me in daily seeking God....to be "intentional" about who I spend time with.
One of my hopes and prayers for this week was that I would get closer to God...see Him more clearly and hear with greater clarity what He is saying to me and I am not disappointed. It seems as if every scripture I have meditated on... every paragraph I have read in the two books I am reading has truth within that has caused me to stop and think.I am so aware of the words we have been singing and each time we have gathered to worship has seemed like a personal conversation with the Holy Spirit .One of the things we asked God for this evening was a "fresh revelation" and my heart is already grateful for this and yet I know there is so much more.
If you are fasting and/or praying this week...my hope is that you too will have had a fresh revelation and know more of Gods heart for you.
Tuesday, 19 January 2010
Tuesday 19th January F is for Forgotten
F is for Forgotten.....In this season of fasting and praying I have forgotten how it feels to set aside time to draw near...I have forgotten the joy of praying with Godly women ...I have forgotten the sense of encouragement when Gods word is spoken ...I have forgotten the sense of expectation when gathered together with the wider community....I have forgotten what Gods voice sounds like.....I have forgotten just how much I need His presence.....I have forgotten the touch of His Holy Spirit....I have forgotten the need for the prophetic.....
So much is forgotten in the ordinary living of our daily lives. I am amazed that in just 2 days of fasting and praying I have drawn closer to God ...its as if a mist has been cleared away ..or the scales from my eyes...As I have shed the activities such as reading and watching telly...as I have purposely and intentionally set aside time and invited women to come alongside me each day..as I have gathered with the wider community each evening...its as if I have been ushered into Gods presence.
Today ..I had the honour of praying with two lovely and Godly women ...women who have known me for decades and who were willing to give up an hour of their time to stand with me on behalf of Cat and Nick....and guess what..God showed up..."where two or three are gathered in my name ..there will I be also " We shared scriptures and knocked on heavens door and after they left I sat for some minutes just soaking in the knowledge that God is God.
This evening at the church prayer time the worship just drew me in as if I was on my own...some of the words of the different songs took on a new and deeper meaning.
By your mercy we draw near.
The same power that conquered the grave lives in me...The same power that rescued the earth lives in me.
How great is our God..sing with me.
All very familiar words but tonight their truth resonated with me in a personal and significant way. I love to worship and we prayed that we would be men and women who worshipped...Chris and I prayed for each other that God would open up new and deeper ways to worship...that we would be released to give God honour through the way we live and through the way we worship.
Ken B led us into a time asking God to speak to us prophetically..."in the ordinary everyday of our lives" and as we spent time praying this through I knew God was speaking to me...I will keep praying into this and blog later in the week when I have the whole picture.It is interesting for me to remember that it was a prayer and fasting time almost two years ago when AW prophesied to the meeting that it was time to "position ourselves strategically so that God could use us for such a time as this " On the back of that "word" I gave up serving in the stewarding team to concentrate on car parking and we all know where that led to.!!
Over the last couple of days as I have set aside time to hear and experience more of God I have "heard " two words....Silence and Mother. These are separate words not a phrase and I am seeking God for clarity as to what He is saying.One thing that happened this evening at the prayer time was a period of silence...not overly long where everyone gets uncomfortable or feels they have to fill it or move on..just a holy moment and it was as if Jesus was whispering to me.
"There you are "
It was as if he was seated next to me and had just leaned over to whisper in my ear..."There you are " Sometimes my life is so "noisy" and by that I mean activity..people...babble...work...serving...being....that it can feel as if I have lost His presence and so this evening as all the external "noise" disappeared then his presence and His voice could be felt and heard.
I still desperately want to read my novel..its typical in that I started a great novel last Friday and several times during today when I would normally have sat for half hour or so and had a good read but I know that as I "cleanse " my mind and spirit this week that I will have opened myself up to the infilling of Gods Holy Spirit.The same with telly..each night after the prayer meeting I would usually have watched an hour or so of telly...but instead of that I am blogging instead! As for food....I have had a low grade headache for this last 24 hours and have felt achy ..tired and shivery ..and this afternoon I had a lay down on the sofa and napped for half an hour. Fasting isn't easy...Praying isn't easy...leaving books and telly behind aren't easy either but I am rewarded with the presence of my Maker..and that has to be worth the sacrifice .
I am looking forward to the rest of the week..praying again for Cat and Nick and being a part of the wider community each evening.What a privilege !!
So much is forgotten in the ordinary living of our daily lives. I am amazed that in just 2 days of fasting and praying I have drawn closer to God ...its as if a mist has been cleared away ..or the scales from my eyes...As I have shed the activities such as reading and watching telly...as I have purposely and intentionally set aside time and invited women to come alongside me each day..as I have gathered with the wider community each evening...its as if I have been ushered into Gods presence.
Today ..I had the honour of praying with two lovely and Godly women ...women who have known me for decades and who were willing to give up an hour of their time to stand with me on behalf of Cat and Nick....and guess what..God showed up..."where two or three are gathered in my name ..there will I be also " We shared scriptures and knocked on heavens door and after they left I sat for some minutes just soaking in the knowledge that God is God.
This evening at the church prayer time the worship just drew me in as if I was on my own...some of the words of the different songs took on a new and deeper meaning.
By your mercy we draw near.
The same power that conquered the grave lives in me...The same power that rescued the earth lives in me.
How great is our God..sing with me.
All very familiar words but tonight their truth resonated with me in a personal and significant way. I love to worship and we prayed that we would be men and women who worshipped...Chris and I prayed for each other that God would open up new and deeper ways to worship...that we would be released to give God honour through the way we live and through the way we worship.
Ken B led us into a time asking God to speak to us prophetically..."in the ordinary everyday of our lives" and as we spent time praying this through I knew God was speaking to me...I will keep praying into this and blog later in the week when I have the whole picture.It is interesting for me to remember that it was a prayer and fasting time almost two years ago when AW prophesied to the meeting that it was time to "position ourselves strategically so that God could use us for such a time as this " On the back of that "word" I gave up serving in the stewarding team to concentrate on car parking and we all know where that led to.!!
Over the last couple of days as I have set aside time to hear and experience more of God I have "heard " two words....Silence and Mother. These are separate words not a phrase and I am seeking God for clarity as to what He is saying.One thing that happened this evening at the prayer time was a period of silence...not overly long where everyone gets uncomfortable or feels they have to fill it or move on..just a holy moment and it was as if Jesus was whispering to me.
"There you are "
It was as if he was seated next to me and had just leaned over to whisper in my ear..."There you are " Sometimes my life is so "noisy" and by that I mean activity..people...babble...work...serving...being....that it can feel as if I have lost His presence and so this evening as all the external "noise" disappeared then his presence and His voice could be felt and heard.
I still desperately want to read my novel..its typical in that I started a great novel last Friday and several times during today when I would normally have sat for half hour or so and had a good read but I know that as I "cleanse " my mind and spirit this week that I will have opened myself up to the infilling of Gods Holy Spirit.The same with telly..each night after the prayer meeting I would usually have watched an hour or so of telly...but instead of that I am blogging instead! As for food....I have had a low grade headache for this last 24 hours and have felt achy ..tired and shivery ..and this afternoon I had a lay down on the sofa and napped for half an hour. Fasting isn't easy...Praying isn't easy...leaving books and telly behind aren't easy either but I am rewarded with the presence of my Maker..and that has to be worth the sacrifice .
I am looking forward to the rest of the week..praying again for Cat and Nick and being a part of the wider community each evening.What a privilege !!
Monday, 18 January 2010
Monday 18th January F is for Food
F is for Food..a very apt subject for the week of prayer and fasting.This F word has been a major thorn in my flesh for decades and I so wish I could be delivered from it.Obviously NOT food itself but my unholy addiction to overeating and my sugar addiction.This week I have decided to fast till Thursday evening ...I am not doing a water only but allowing myself hot and cold drinks...and I am also fasting from telly and fiction.
Strangely enough it hasn't been a huge problem today with not eating but the need to read during the day and to watch telly late evening has proven to be the difficult things.I have always been an avid reader and have a reputation among family and friends to be able to read a book in a couple of days and if exceedingly good will read it in one sitting.!! This has always been due to my hearing difficulty as watching telly holds no pleasure for me if a programme has no subtitles...so over the years I have got very used to reading as a hobby. Telly watching has not been too addictive but I love crime shows and usually about 9 ish I will watch at least a couple of shows...I never tape programmes and we don't have all the fancy Sky Plus etc ..so if I don't watch it then its gone and not a problem.
Today has been a day where I have picked up several Christian books that have languished over last month and also the Bible and spent time reading and meditating . I have also spent time with 5 lovely friends who came round to stand with me in prayer and intercede on behalf of Cat and Nick. I feel incredibly blessed that they took time out of their busy day to come over and pray with me...and felt Gods presence as we shared and prayed and read Gods word. What an encouragement.
Tonight has seen the first of the church prayer times and it was so good to hang out with the community of believers what I am part of ..to worship..to pray...to share Gods word...I am intent on seeking God this week...for myself...for Chris...for my family..friends ...but mostly I am intent on seeking God for HIMSELF....I am intent on seeking a fresh revelation of His character...a deeper appreciation of Jesus and all He did for me on the cross...a fresh infilling of Gods Holy Spirit so that I may grow and mature and know the power to live a life of Godliness.
One of the books I am reading this week is by Susanna Foth Aughtmon and in the chapter entitled "I don't feel lovable " she says this:
If you want a brother or sister in Christ to keel over on command....when they ask how you are ....just reply.." I have been loathing myself in small increments today. If I could crawl out of my skin I would . I wish I was anyone but myself. I am not sure why God loves me . I can barely stand myself."
For me this rang true as I have not had a good day...apart from the hour when my friends were round I have felt on edge..narky...tearful....miserable....!( possibly as a result of fasting and sugar withdrawal ) I felt that the conversations I have had haven't been too great and that I may have upset people...I have felt very "touchy" and in fact if I am honest I have been feeling this for more than just today and possibly for weeks. Conversations I have had...in all sorts of places and with all sorts of people have been misread or misunderstood and I have had to battle constantly with feelings of anger ..resentment and fear...and had to force myself to keep going when everything in me has wanted to turn tail and run.
Today and this evening it has been good for me to just admit these feelings to God..admit again that I am a sinner....ask for forgiveness..ask for His cleansing ..ask for His Holy Spirit to again fill me and enable me to stand firm once again. Fasting certainly concentrates the mind...focus-es your thoughts on Him and in turn as I invite God to shine His light into my heart and spirit and show me what He wants to change in my life . I have the feeling this week may well be a week where I am in the spotlight !
F is for Finally....I am heading off to bed shortly...I feel physically "edgy" but know this is just my body saying..feed me....and my prayer is that as I have fed myself today on spiritual food that the physical body will quiet down and get some rest so I can continue the battle tomorrow. God bless you as you perhaps walk this week in fasting and prayer along with me.
Strangely enough it hasn't been a huge problem today with not eating but the need to read during the day and to watch telly late evening has proven to be the difficult things.I have always been an avid reader and have a reputation among family and friends to be able to read a book in a couple of days and if exceedingly good will read it in one sitting.!! This has always been due to my hearing difficulty as watching telly holds no pleasure for me if a programme has no subtitles...so over the years I have got very used to reading as a hobby. Telly watching has not been too addictive but I love crime shows and usually about 9 ish I will watch at least a couple of shows...I never tape programmes and we don't have all the fancy Sky Plus etc ..so if I don't watch it then its gone and not a problem.
Today has been a day where I have picked up several Christian books that have languished over last month and also the Bible and spent time reading and meditating . I have also spent time with 5 lovely friends who came round to stand with me in prayer and intercede on behalf of Cat and Nick. I feel incredibly blessed that they took time out of their busy day to come over and pray with me...and felt Gods presence as we shared and prayed and read Gods word. What an encouragement.
Tonight has seen the first of the church prayer times and it was so good to hang out with the community of believers what I am part of ..to worship..to pray...to share Gods word...I am intent on seeking God this week...for myself...for Chris...for my family..friends ...but mostly I am intent on seeking God for HIMSELF....I am intent on seeking a fresh revelation of His character...a deeper appreciation of Jesus and all He did for me on the cross...a fresh infilling of Gods Holy Spirit so that I may grow and mature and know the power to live a life of Godliness.
One of the books I am reading this week is by Susanna Foth Aughtmon and in the chapter entitled "I don't feel lovable " she says this:
If you want a brother or sister in Christ to keel over on command....when they ask how you are ....just reply.." I have been loathing myself in small increments today. If I could crawl out of my skin I would . I wish I was anyone but myself. I am not sure why God loves me . I can barely stand myself."
For me this rang true as I have not had a good day...apart from the hour when my friends were round I have felt on edge..narky...tearful....miserable....!( possibly as a result of fasting and sugar withdrawal ) I felt that the conversations I have had haven't been too great and that I may have upset people...I have felt very "touchy" and in fact if I am honest I have been feeling this for more than just today and possibly for weeks. Conversations I have had...in all sorts of places and with all sorts of people have been misread or misunderstood and I have had to battle constantly with feelings of anger ..resentment and fear...and had to force myself to keep going when everything in me has wanted to turn tail and run.
Today and this evening it has been good for me to just admit these feelings to God..admit again that I am a sinner....ask for forgiveness..ask for His cleansing ..ask for His Holy Spirit to again fill me and enable me to stand firm once again. Fasting certainly concentrates the mind...focus-es your thoughts on Him and in turn as I invite God to shine His light into my heart and spirit and show me what He wants to change in my life . I have the feeling this week may well be a week where I am in the spotlight !
F is for Finally....I am heading off to bed shortly...I feel physically "edgy" but know this is just my body saying..feed me....and my prayer is that as I have fed myself today on spiritual food that the physical body will quiet down and get some rest so I can continue the battle tomorrow. God bless you as you perhaps walk this week in fasting and prayer along with me.
Saturday, 16 January 2010
Saturday 16th January F is for First
Happy New Year...hasn't it been a weird couple of weeks with all the snow and interrupted life ??. But hopefully we will all return to some semblance of normality from now. It seems as if half of January has gone already and by the time we re-schedule all the cancelled arrangements it will be February.
So....F is for First....first blog of the year...cant quite believe its been a year since I started blogging !! This is just a short entry to say that
F is also for Fasting and as a church community Simon has called us to a week of Prayer and Fasting beginning on Monday and running through to Friday. There will be meetings each evening when we gather together and pray and I hope to see some of you there.
I am also aiming to fast from TV and Fiction novels for the week as I want to jumpstart the delay I seem to have had on getting started afresh this year and get myself focus-ed again on God and what lies ahead for me as an individual and Chris and I as a couple...both within our family and also with the church community God has planted us in.
F is also for Focus...I have also felt prompted to spend some specific time praying for Cat and Nick...you may remember they are continuing on a journey to have a baby and begin their IVF treatment on Friday 22nd January ( I am believing the timing of this to be strategic as it is the end of a week when much prayer will be sent up to heaven ) and with this in mind I have invited some friends round to pray with me specifically for Cat and Nick at various times during the week of prayer. I wish I could say that I pray well when on my own but in all honesty I find I pray better when with others. If you haven't yet had an email from me with days and times and would like to come and stand with me then email or leave a comment and I will let you know details. It will also be an hour when you can bring your own specific requests to God and know there are others standing shoulder to shoulder with you.If you are unable to come and would still like to pray please again let me know and I will send you some bullet point from Cat and Nick and you can perhaps incorporate these into your own week of prayer.
Matthew Ch 21 v.21 says this
Jesus replied.."I tell you the truth,if you have faith and do not doubt,not only can you do what was done to the fig tree but also you can say to this mountain...Go throw yourself into the sea and it will be done.!..If you believe you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."
F is for Faith...Focus and Fasting...
Lets believe together...and see whatever "mountains" we are wrestling with ....crumble into the sea as the God who created heaven and earth and raised Christ from the dead is worship-ed ....praised and petitioned .
So....F is for First....first blog of the year...cant quite believe its been a year since I started blogging !! This is just a short entry to say that
F is also for Fasting and as a church community Simon has called us to a week of Prayer and Fasting beginning on Monday and running through to Friday. There will be meetings each evening when we gather together and pray and I hope to see some of you there.
I am also aiming to fast from TV and Fiction novels for the week as I want to jumpstart the delay I seem to have had on getting started afresh this year and get myself focus-ed again on God and what lies ahead for me as an individual and Chris and I as a couple...both within our family and also with the church community God has planted us in.
F is also for Focus...I have also felt prompted to spend some specific time praying for Cat and Nick...you may remember they are continuing on a journey to have a baby and begin their IVF treatment on Friday 22nd January ( I am believing the timing of this to be strategic as it is the end of a week when much prayer will be sent up to heaven ) and with this in mind I have invited some friends round to pray with me specifically for Cat and Nick at various times during the week of prayer. I wish I could say that I pray well when on my own but in all honesty I find I pray better when with others. If you haven't yet had an email from me with days and times and would like to come and stand with me then email or leave a comment and I will let you know details. It will also be an hour when you can bring your own specific requests to God and know there are others standing shoulder to shoulder with you.If you are unable to come and would still like to pray please again let me know and I will send you some bullet point from Cat and Nick and you can perhaps incorporate these into your own week of prayer.
Matthew Ch 21 v.21 says this
Jesus replied.."I tell you the truth,if you have faith and do not doubt,not only can you do what was done to the fig tree but also you can say to this mountain...Go throw yourself into the sea and it will be done.!..If you believe you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."
F is for Faith...Focus and Fasting...
Lets believe together...and see whatever "mountains" we are wrestling with ....crumble into the sea as the God who created heaven and earth and raised Christ from the dead is worship-ed ....praised and petitioned .
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)