Tuesday 9th February...F is for Fertility

F is for Fertility...no..nothing to do with me..!!

This morning I went with Cat for one of her appointments and since then I have been thinking through the whole journey she and Nick are on. We arrived at this rather space age looking building called " The Institute of Reproductive Sciences" As we sat in the car together and then in the waiting room I said to her " it wasn't meant to be like this " and as I looked around the clinic waiting room I saw a group of women of all ages sitting with either mums or husbands or partners and several on their own and I guessed for them too "it wasn't meant to be like this "

As her appointment was running late my mind wandered here ....there and everywhere as various doctors and nurses and patients went in and out of rooms. It was all very clinical and no-one spoke above whispers and no-one made eye contact with one another. There was no shared camaraderie even tho I know that everyone was there for the same reason....everyone seemed wrapped in their own world.I wondered how many attempts some of them had made..or if this was their first visit...I wondered about the ones who were there alone..I wondered about the ones who clutched large files...I wondered if they wondered about Catriona !! The clinic nurse was warm and humorous as she showed Cat the next stage of her treatment and detailed the appointment time scales etc and then we were back in the car driving back to Bracknell.We were quiet on the way home and I kept hearing this refrain in my head..."it wasnt meant to be like this "

It seems surreal for me as her mum to be walking this journey with my daughter. I was so aware that the clinic waiting room was like a very small drop in the ocean of Fertility....it was one waiting room in one clinic on one morning which would have been reproduced all over the nation on a huge scale and on a daily basis . I am humbled by this fact...whilst Catriona is only one person..one daughter...in the grand scale of things she is also just one of so many...and "it wasn't meant to be like this " for any of the women I saw this morning.

I am humbled in the spiritual sense also that I know God is in charge of Cat and Nicks journey ..I know He is sovereign...I know He is the author of life...I know He is the healer....I know He can produce a miracle...I know...I know ..I know..

There is no way we can ever prepare ourselves for things that "arent meant to be this way"..there is no course we can go on to find out the best ten steps to dealing with this....there is no fast track to coping ....

There is only God...
There is only His Spirit....
There is only Jesus...

In Him alone ....