The Four F words......
F is for Failure....
F is for Focus......
F is for Follicles..
F is for Farewell...
I am off work today after a nocturnal migraine...very rare for me but it has left me feeling absolutely awful.!! My entry today is maybe partially influenced by how I am feeling at this moment but it has been brewing for some weeks.Let me say a little about each of the above F words....
F is for Failure....I am more and more aware of how many areas I still fail in...this last couple of years has seen me come face to face with glaring character faults...leading the car parking ministry has highlighted so much in my personality and character that I have tried so many times to change yet find myself once more in despair of ever being the person God intended me to be. Over the years I have walked along the way with other folk who seem way ahead of me in ability and maturity and I realise afresh just how far behind I am lagging. Every area of church life I am involved with whether it be
Lifegroup...Mentoring...Exposition...whatever ....I always feel like an exception as everyone goes about their lives. On the surface I "fit in " yet still feel like an onlooker....not truly part of the gang....For so many years and probably all of the 26 years of my life as a follower of Christ I have strived to overcome so much yet in so many areas I am still failing.
F is for Focus.......Simon is preaching a series on Life's Healing Choices and this last Sunday was all about FOCUS....He gave 7 keys to change and as I listened I knew these were going to be very important so I took notes...I only ever take notes when I am prompted by God .....as for someone who relies so much on lip reading to actually try and write and listen at the same time is very hard but I persevered. As I have looked at these notes and thought them through and discussed them in LG I have come to the conclusion I am still a failure. I struggle so much in LG ..the people are lovely ...and we are coming together as men in one place and women in another to facilitate discussion and open-ness but I know if I was to be really honest with this group I would feel completely on my own...so I don't contribute from deep within...it sometimes feels as if no-one else does..or maybe this is only my perception .But there are times when I do let my "mask" slip ..only to come home feeling extremely vulnerable....vowing never to share so deeply again..this week was one of those times.
F is for Follicles...I am not going to talk too much about this..just to say that I went with Catriona to have her scan and blood tests for her next stage on their IVF journey...the scan was awesome in that it showed the inside of my daughters ovaries...I am sure there is written somewhere that mums were not ever meant to see this kind of stuff LOL...but at the same time it was incredible to see the follicles maturing...all is well for the next stage and we are hopefully optimistic. I was very surprised to find myself weeping copiously as the nurse showed us around her womb.(!)....we then had some fun test driving some baby buggies in the Mothercare just across the road from the clinic...( I wonder if Mothercare chose this location next to an IVF clinic deliberately (!).. )...I always feel very calm about all that is going on with Cat and Nick but in the early hours of this morning I woke up just in time to reach the bathroom to be sick...a nocturnal migraine had me in its grip and they are no fun !!..so I made the decision to drug myself and head back to bed and took the day off work. I am made aware again that the underlying anxiety is obviously more than I think.
F is for Farewell....As some of you may know I have been debating about continuing the blog for some time and I have taken the decision to close it down. When I say close it down ...let me qualify..I may re-start it but as a private blog ( possibly invitation only )without public interaction. I truly still believe that "writing is my best chance of happiness" and want to continue to journal my feelings and thoughts but as I have been trying to make sense of how and what I am going through I know I haven't been able to journal as honestly as I would have liked knowing that other people may read the words I have written.Yet at the same time I have been so encouraged by the identification that so many people have emailed me about or left comments on the blog... There is still so much for me to deal with internally and altho our church is creating an great place for "no perfect people allowed" and we are creating an "its alright to say I am not fine "culture.... I am still struggling with who I am and how I am.
Last night at LG we sang one of those amazing worship songs where the words just seem to sum up all that I was feeling...let me leave you with some of the words.
A thousand times I have failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I am caught in your grace....Everlasting.....
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending Your glory goes beyond all fame...
Part of the chorus goes like this...
And the cry of my heart is to give you praise from the inside out Lord my soul cries out....
Today as I write this...these words are echo-ing from within...
4 comments:
u r not a failure.. No one is ever going to b perfect and nor should theystrive to b. You have achieved lots ... U great with kids.. Ur childminding business.. U gd at writing. Supportin g others... Its evident ubeing there for cat when she needs u most... U great with car parking.. All of this and theres lots more .. Show uto b kind loving caring supportive intelligent ... A success .. And remember when thinfs go wrong or not the way we would like its not because we r failures but a test and a way of developing... Ill stop now hee hee in case u change ur mind about meetinf up ha..Hope we can still meet for coffee mon looking forward to it x
"F" is for you my dear Friend, and though I haven't always left comments on your blog entries, I have read - with interest - them all. That said, I'm happy just emailing to catch up on our news - I think you are doing the right thing in saying farewell to this blog - now go enjoy YOU and get YOU back to the Irene we all know and love. God bless xxx
Hi Irene. I've just read your last blog entry and feel sad that you don't feel able to carry one with it :-( I always find your words moving and heartfelt. If I'm honest, I too struggle with taking the mask off in lots of situations and when I have done have often gone home feeling silly and wondering what people think of me. By you sharing it enables others to do the same and open up in ways that are so liberating. I have decided that feeling unaccepted and 'silly' after being open is lies from satan and ones not to be listened to! It's hard but a learning curve. I can, however, understand that sometimes you need to choose who you open up to and therefore the decision is all yours! If it's any consolation I have very much enjoyed getting a snippet into your life and world. Love, Suzanne (Whitton) x
I will certainly miss your blog but I have absolutely no intention of missing you. I value you probably more than you know, which I hope doesn't freak you out or anything! In the past year I have come to know you better and so appreciate the person you are. To me not only are you not a failure, you are an inspiration and an example, an encourager and a friend, and I love you. xxx
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