November 5th ONE IN EVERY NINE

Its fireworks season and my gorgeous man is off for days and nights on end with the fireworks so I have lots of free time...for "free" read .....bored !!...Mike our eldest son is here too as he also does this and I believe that Cat and Nick are also doing a display this coming Saturday...so it becomes a real family affair...but NO..I have no plans to suit up in the red boiler suits and lug giant shells around for hours. It did come in very handy when the kids were little because we used to get free invites to all the best displays.

Last night I was involved in CAP WEDNESDAY....CAP is a national charity..."Christians Against Poverty " and one of the centres is based in our church...This is an organisation devoted to helping people get out of debt.(see Kerith.co.uk for more details.) This evening was to highlight the work of CAP and to hopefully get new volunteers to come on board. I have been helping the team in the role of "blessings " This is an amazing role and I absolutely love doing it...we have a sum of money made available every month to simply bless people...so I get to spend money that's not my own and give out lovely pressies in the form of vouchers or flowers or choccies...what fun it is .

AJ ..who is the centre manager gave out some statistics which really resonated with me...he states that "one in every nine households" has serious debt problems...you can google debt statistics and get some other quite frightening numbers about house repossessions and bankruptcy. AJ also quotes from the bible about how we should not neglect the poor and we saw a dvd about people who had worked with CAP and were now on their way to being debt free and also heard from someone in our own community who is working with CAP to get debt free.

As most of you who read my blog may know Chris and I are on our own journey to getting debt free and roll on August 2011...but the evening made me think .!!

CAP talks a lot about the "poor" and often the media gives out this stereotype of only "poor" people get into a mess.... I then think about the "one in nine " statistic that is quoted and if this is true then count the number in your street or road and think that behind every 9th door someone may be struggling or look around the church on a Sunday morning and count off every 9th person or family.....or check out the preschool mums or the cubs and brownie families you may know...every 9th family could already be in trouble.

I have had an 18mth involvement with a national debt forum and been involved in a couple of get togethers and shared stories of how we got into our messes with people in similar situations as us and I can honestly say that none of us would have been perceived as "poor"...Lets face it when you ask what is your perception of "poor" people..you think of lower income...rented houses...not being able to eat regularly...children being cold ....hungry and ill clad.....and altho this is true that people who are unfortunate enough because of their life circumstances are actually "poor"...we also need to wake up to a whole new category of people who are in debt.!

You see...Chris and I have always owned our own home ..had good jobs ...driven two cars...had three children who never knew what it was to be hungry..cold or ill clad and from the outside looking in you would never have called us poor or thought we were in debt.As you cast your eyes over your friends or folk in your life..would you know if they were in debt..would you be able to spot the one in nine??? We...and I say this as the "royal collective we" must be open to those who we would least suspect of being in financial trouble being "safe" enough to admit it.For us..we had been in our IVA for almost 2 years before we told anyone. You see....you may be able to spot a "poor person" but can you see past the exterior of those who still seem okay. I think I would be correct in saying that 17mths ago as we began to open up and tell people there was a fair amount of shock and surprise and in fact last night as I shared a little bit about our own situation with the group I could see puzzlement and surprise on several faces of those who know me.

At the end of the meeting I spoke to a lovely woman who had made her own journey with CAP and got debt free...losing her home in the process and she shared with me she had got back into debt again through no fault of her own and had experienced immense shame and embarrassment and didn't want to admit it to anyone . I could identify with her so much it felt like she was "talking my talk"....We hide behind our coping masks for fear that others may judge us and that is not only a debt feeling it is many things we struggle with..some of which I have talked about in previous blogs.

On the national forum there are daily posts from people who talk about their shame and their deep fear of people finding out about their situation..some who are in marriages where the partner doesn't even know about the debt..some who have lost everything..marriages wrecked...lost jobs....some who would never tell their friends or their families...and there is a community of people who function online and become virtual friends giving each other acceptance and support. For myself I used the support of the forum for almost a year ...sharing my deepest feelings with people I only knew from the Internet and occasional meetings. Many of these people never tell anyone and travel the road to debt freedom totally isolated and alone. However ....as Simon ..our pastor began to create and encourage open-ness and a culture of vulnerability we felt able to begin to share with others our situation....and altho I still log on and occasionally post on the debt forum I have been able to get support and a level of acceptance from friends and family. I am eternally grateful to the experts on the forum and the friends I made who helped me to see that there was life beyond debt.

To be very honest....I still feel as if people wonder how on earth we ever got into this situation...and to be honest I wonder about that myself too. I spent a year blogging about it on the national forum and have actually downloaded it and maybe one day I will share some of it here...you may think I have been open and vulnerable here...but you would need to read some of that years entries to really understand what it is like to be in debt....there is something amazingly secure about sharing with people who you will probably never "do life with "..but more than that it was the feeling that the ones who were able to access and read that blog were people who were in similar situations and could identify with me and certainly never would judge me.

One thing that also is becoming more and more prevalent is the actual amount of personal debt...with the advent of interest free credit cards and consolidation loans...gone are the days when it was few hundred pound on an overdraft...in fact some people I know have overdrafts and think nothing of it....some people I know have credit cards and don't always pay the balance of every month ...some people I know have cars on a bank loan and don't worry about it....Most of these people wouldn't even think of themselves as being "in debt"...lets face it..how many actually add up the 8,000 car loan to the 2000.00 overdraft to the 5,000 credit limit...someone once said

"if you can service your loans etc you aren't in debt"...

Ha Ha Ha....We serviced our various loans for years until one day we realised we were paying more in interest every month than we were in balances...was it only then we were "in debt"....NO..we were in debt for years... and years..and years ..servicing and servicing the dratted things.!!

I am so sorry to go on and on about this...but I believe we are only seeing the tip of the iceberg in our community both in the church and outside in our local community and I can see that CAP and the work in our church centre will explode in the coming year as more and more people wake up to the realisation that their debt is debt.!! My challenge to us all...myself included is .....who are the "poor"...and is it only our preconceived stereotype we are looking to help..and is this label of "poor" acting as a barrier for folk like Chris and I to ask for help....or to admit to needing help... We actually set up our IVA before CAP was set up in our church but I have often asked myself if we would have approached the CAP centre if it had been open...Hhmmmnnnn...not sure .

If I have 20 plus people who subscribe to this blog then statistically speaking there could be 2 of you in debt.!!...If this is so..can I encourage you to share with me...or with someone you know and trust...God is in the business of setting people free....in every aspect of their lives ....and finances are only one area we can be in chains and never know true freedom....I long for the day when we are debt free...I can see it in the not too distant future...I can feel it in my bones...I know deep down in the depths of my being that debt has shackled me in such subtle and hidden ways that I cant explain and that being debt free will bring a new dimension to my spirit and as such I long for it with all my heart.

Thursday 29th Reflections (2)

The wedding was lovely...the outfit eventually came together....the friends / family we spent time with was fabby and apart from the long hours getting there and back it was worth it to spend time with family and friends and be a part of Danielle's special day.Weddings are always lovely ...or at least every one I have attended has been fun and enjoyable and always a great time to have a laugh and some fun. We were booked into same hotel with some folks from church and we did have a laugh....and got to spend time with them too before and after the wedding.

"Doing life " together....somehow or other in the busyness of our lives it can be hard just to take time out to hang out with folk....being away from our own home and town we didn't really have much else to do apart from hang out...and it is in those times that we can relax and just be ourselves....I know that for Chris and I we need to "do life " with folk a lot more than we do....just hanging out over a beer...or a curry....with no agenda...it really was lovely....and so...thanks to Wayne ,Sandra and Gemma....Debbie and Robin....and of course Cat and Nick who didn't really have a choice as we were all in same car.!!

We got home...very tired after long hours travelling and since then all I have wanted to do is growl at everyone.....ggrrrrr.....Life immediately started crowding in.!! Does this happen to others??...after a relaxing time away it seems as if life conspires to "get you " the minute you come back .I have a stack of things to organise..people don't answer emails...meetings had to be re-arranged and cheques don't arrive ....ggrrrrrr....and then when emails are answered they aren't good news.....

AND THEN....

It all falls into perspective as I served in car parking for PNs funeral....all the trivial things in the last few days that have caused me to go...gggrrrr...all fade into insignificance as I watched the family and friends arrive for funeral.I listened to one of his daughters give tribute in such an amazing way...she was so brave and talked about her dad in a loving tribute we could all identify with....I looked at photos of the family...I sang some great songs and altogether mourned and remembered a good man.....

AND SO

I am saddened by my petty-ness and convicted of my bad temper and have spent some time after the funeral just re-adjusting my soul.....I wonder afresh how much God needs to still do in me..the changes I need to allow Him to make ...how slowly I am changing from "one degree of glory to another ". I still want to growl at the trivia going on in my life but know that I am thankful that I live and breathe.I am grateful for scripture that brings hope and life to me when all I want to do is go...ggrrrrrrrr

2 Corinthians ch 5 verse 17 says this..."Therefor if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation...the old has gone and the new has come."

Romans ch 8 verse 1 says this...."therefor there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"

For both these truths I am most incredibly grateful for and perhaps as I let the truth permeate into my soul and spirit I will stop growling....It has been a week of contrasts...from weddings to funerals with all the highs and lows entailed and stuck in the middle of both these holy days has been me and my growling....but tomorrow is another day and with Gods help I can begin afresh with a smile knowing that His mercies are new to me every morning...

October 20th Reflections

We are all packed and ready to go off to wedding over the weekend. This is no ordinary wedding in that often its a friend or a relative who is getting married.What makes this one so different is that we I have known D S since she was 2yrs old and that is something like 24 years ago if my arithmetic is any good.!! Having been in a great relationship with her parents for the same number of years this weekend is a real celebration. D is a lovely Godly young woman marrying her dream boat. For many years her mum and I prayed..."God save her...God call her to you..God raise her up to be a Godly woman with your values...God bring her right relationships with men/boyfriends...God bring her a Christian husband." and this Saturday I know that her mum and I will have eye contact at some point in the day and in that moment we will silently acknowledge that God answers prayer.

In this last couple of days...as weddings have been uppermost in my mind I have spent some time reflecting on my own daughters wedding and just as Ds mum prayed all those prayers for her so I have prayed the same for Cat and on her special day three and half years ago I was able to say a heartfelt "thank you " to God for answering those prayers. I have also been praying afresh this last 2 years for Cat and Nick and adding somewhat different pleas to the throne.

As I spent time thinking about daughters I thought I would tell you a little bit about mine. Many of you know her and I guess if we sat and compared notes we may even have different thoughts and ideas of who she is and what she is like.!! I am biased in that I am her mum and as everyone knows..."mums are always right"

Cat is our third child and after two sons I was desperate for a girl. I love my sons dearly and agree with the popular saying that we love all our children equally and I do....BUT...for me I love them all the same...yet different..They are three completely different characters and personalities and therefor we all interact in completely different ways.

Of all the children Cat is the most confident and feisty....from a very early age she was extremely determined and her gifting for gymnastics emerged at age 5 and from then right through till she was almost 18 she was an excellent athlete in both gymnastics and then trampolining and had a distinguished career. This gave her excellent grounding in self discipline and ability to lead and gave her supreme self confidence. She doesn't suffer fools gladly and can be quite sharp if faced with people not doing as expected. If Cat wrote a letter for every time something went wrong eg bus services...mobile phone networks...she would have a file 6 inches deep.But it works she has learned how to deal with awkward situations in her work place and after 5 years in same job has a wealth of ability and experience.

But don't be fooled by the confident exterior....perhaps only mum gets to see the small child that sometimes doesn't cope...sometimes feels hurt..sometimes cant understand why...wants to run and hide...Give Cat a "mission"...a task and she will be off before the starting pistol....keep her focus strong and she will target and run.I so admire that about her...determination with a capital D

From a very early age ..if asked what she wanted to be when she grew up she would generally say three things...

1)fall in love ..
2)get married...
3)have babies...

and thankfully she has achieved two out of three...and even more thankfully they are both still following God..serving Him together ..part of the church community...building good relationships and friendships..holding down good jobs....and generally enjoying being husband and wife.Sadly the number three on her wish list isn't yet in her grasp and the journey so far for them both has been one they didn't expect to have to walk and for me as her mum it was never in my plans for her either.

Perhaps the way in which she has developed her self discipline..her confidence...her feistiness...her "mission" focus has all been for "such a time as this " Only God can answer the Why question and only He can grant her that elusive number three.This last week they have embarked on a different journey from the one they would have wanted to be on and yet I can already see her focus sharpening..her determination gaining the upper hand ..perhaps as she can see the way ahead more clearly the hurt and anguish that has been gripping her has lost some of its power.

Perhaps as she looks ahead she can take hold of the scripture...

"The plans I have for you are to prosper you and not to harm you"

Perhaps as she leads worship or praises God the words from songs will take root afresh in her heart and soul....

"Saviour..you can move the mountains"..."Where things impossible by faith shall be made possible"....

Perhaps as she takes each step in this journey she will realise that ....

when there appear to only be one set of footsteps in the sand that it was then that God will be carrying her

I am eternally grateful that God blessed us with three children..each of them in their own way a blessing from the Lord. Not quite a "quiverful" that the psalmist reckons is the Lords blessing but quite enough for us!! I am eternally mystified that someone like me who had one of the mst dysfuntional childhoods ever to be written about has managed to parent and mother into adulthood three fairly well adjusted and useful members of society. I am eternally begging God to call both my sons back into close relationship with Him and I am eternally interceding for God to grant Cat and Nick the gift of a child.

My daughter....who desperately wants to be a mummy....will you join me in prayer as they begin this journey ....Thank you

October 18th Battlefield

As I blog again this morning I have come to realise once more that life can be a battlefield.!One of the speakers at Willow Creek talked about how he was on a plane and the video monitor in front of him was broken and how for a long while he found himself looking quite intently at his face. Usually when we look in a mirror it is because we are doing something..eg.drying our hair..putting on make up..brushing our teeth and so on. So to look at the reflection with no distractions ..he found a new and disturbing activity.He went on to encourage us to take a half hour or so and just look intently at our face and ask God what is there. I don't think for one second he was referring to the wrinkles or the grey hairs etc but more..what do we think of ourselves and what does God think of us.

So...this morning..feeling replenished and relatively at peace with myself ..I had a relaxing morning...had some tea and toast..lazed around..read some...had a bath..did the stuff women do with razors etc and then took some time to look at myself.I may have gone slightly overboard in that I stood naked for a little bit of time and very quickly got dressed and had a few minutes looking at my face.

I would love to say that this exercise has been beneficial and recommend it to everyone but to be honest I have to confess I now feel like I would like to give up my role in the human race. If I could ..I would crawl into my bed and never get up...I hated every second of it and certainly didn't last more than 10 minutes let alone half an hour. The thoughts that have gone through my mind have almost frightened me....where did they come ?? Not from God that's for sure.!! It has made me so aware of the battle I am in...

What did I see that caused me to shut down so quickly?...apart from the recurring shingles sores that have once more re-appeared on my face...thats twice in 5 weeks...ggrrrrrr......I have endeavoured to be as open and vulnerable in this blog as I can but some of these thoughts I am not able to share. I am not so stupid as to think they have come from anywhere but the "pit" and that they are not the "truth" but boy am I ducking low down to dodge the flack. What I will share are the secondary thoughts that came racing in after I stopped looking. Thoughts like...

Give up...you will never make it
Stop going to church...no-one will miss you
Dont go the Leaders meeting...you are not really a leader..they only tolerate you
Resign from leading Car parking..no-one takes any notice of you anyway
Dont meet with your mentee...you will be useless to her
Miss LifeGroup....you dont get anything from it
Eat yourself silly...you will always be fat
Spend what little money you have ...you will always be in debt
Go back to bed....let people down
Dont go to the wedding at weekend ...your outfit is awful

and so on and so on.....

Life is a battle field...my replenishment bucket is leaking badly this morning...

October 17th Replenishment Strategy 3

Replenishing my empty bucket is proving to be a desperately needed strategy. There seems to be so much going on all around me..both in my own life and in other peoples lives too that it is a season where I need to ensure I am "full". For one reason and another (mainly car parking.!) I don't get into the worship time in our weekly church meeting too often but this morning I wasn't "on duty" for the first time in 4 weeks so was there for the entire time of worship and it was only after we sat down that I realised just how depleted I had become.

There is nothing wrong with private worship in our homes..nothing lacking in listening to a worship CD...and usually when we worship in Life Group I can connect with God...but there is something hugely different about corporate worship and I was so aware of how God broke into our meeting and brought me once again to gaze at HIM....I think I am slightly biased about our worship team in that I have known many of them since they were kids and have seen them grow into followers of Christ and no-one can know the deep joy I have when my daughter and son in law are part of the team....they all truly are a blessing to our church community.

This morning we sang a couple of songs that led into a "word" that led into a time of response and prayer and it is times like this that replenish my soul. The words from one of the songs ..

"Oh no..you never let go....through the calm and through the storm." and linked to that the words from another one..."the same power that raised Christ from the grave lives in me..lives in me "

As we sang this over and over again I thought about the women I know who are walking through some really tough times... I thought about G.N who had lost her husband in the early hours of the morning...and about S.McM..who had lost her husband two weeks ago....I thought about a friend who is in hospital battling depression...I thought about 2 other friends who are lost and lonely and who have sadly lost sight of their Saviour... I prayed with a couple whose son is in hospital and yet another friend who is facing tough times ahead with financial difficulty..and then my heart turned towards my own life and family and I knew that God was speaking to me through this mornings worship time. Chris and I seem to have been in a "storm " for some time now...the anxiety over his job for months..the stress of our IVA and financial worries...and yet..somehow or other we are still hanging on in there...we know 100% that if we didnt have God to hang onto ..we would have lost the battle a long time ago.

Many of you know about my daughter and son in law and their fertility struggles and over this last 2 years I have had to hold on tight to God as I have walked some painful times with them. All mums know that seeing their children endure pain is the hardest thing to deal with and the emotional pain these "children" are feeling is indescribable...I would do anything to prevent them having to walk this walk....yet I know that God will go before them...walk with them..carry them whenever they need carried and will bring them through. To enable me to be an encouragement and support to them I desperately need to stay replenished and this morning I believe I had an infilling from God for this next wee while.

I sang..."the same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in me " with such faith....if God can raise His precious son from the dead..then He surely can give me the strength I need to walk alongside C and N....and as I sang the words
"oh no...you never let go " I sang them prophetically....God...you will never let me go..."through the calm and through the storm"...I may be heading into a "storm" but God will never let me go.

Reading the word....praying...fellowship...serving....all are a vital part of the replenishment strategy but to worship God is surely one of the most dynamic ways in which we can connect with our Saviour.

and so for the moment....I am replenished.

October 11th Replenishment 3

I kinda understand about writers who take themselves off to friends houses or disappear from normal life...there is something about being alone that seems to get the brain ticking over...not that I am putting myself into the category of great novel /fiction writers but somehow this last couple of days with Chris being away I seem to have had time to let my thoughts settle. I have also had a weekend free with no work commitments ...apart from serving in car park and somehow I don't think of that as work as I get great satisfaction being there....maybe there is a need in all of us just to be alone....away from the demands of ordinary day to day living and just allow God to refresh and to speak and to bring peace back into our very stretched souls.

I have been reading and listening and praying...I have had time with friends and time alone and somehow or other I have managed to get back up on my feet and stand back on the rock .I have been reading from The Message translation and where before I couldn't get my head round the new-ness of it...I seem to have found my place in it and it almost seems like a bubbly glass of water...it is making me "fizz" if that doesn't sound too silly.

I have also been reading this book..."Get out of that Pit" and wonder why on earth I haven't read it before..it is truly an eye opener of a book..or should I say a "spirit opener". I still think it isn't actually mine so if you have lent it to me please let me know...I would like to underline bits but don't want to deface someone else's book. I have read many books from Christians who have overcome the darkest of childhoods and yet always struggled with the way they write...yet Beth Moore somehow or other has connected with me in a way no other author has. I know that often its not the author or the book but its the timing of when I am actually reading it and it just clicks...so perhaps that is the case here..maybe its Gods perfect timing for me to be reading this book at this particular time but I don't really care..I am just so grateful that I am .

Beth talks about "pits"...describing 3 different pits

1)when you are thrown into one
2)when you slip into one
3)when you jump into one

She describes what a "pit dweller" looks ..feels and acts like... and boy..could I identify with each and every kind of pit and each and every way I have acted.Its the kind of book where you cant fail to identify with something she says....and for me ...if I can identify and connect then there is a good chance that God is speaking to me through the writing.

The chapter I have just read today talks about"getting out of the pit" and I have read it several times as there is such a depth of truth to what she says.I cant recommend this book enough and as part of my replenishment strategy it has been a great start as I already feel as if I am refreshed.

On a completely different note ...I did say a while back that I was thinking of an Open House where those of you who would like to come and hang out and maybe look at an aspect of the blog together...if you are interested please can you email me direct so I can make a date...I know we wont maybe all be free on the same evening but lets see how we go...I am looking at mid to late November before Christmas comes rushing in at us all.

Let me leave you with this...Psalm 103

"Praise the Lord O my soul and forget not all your benefits...who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases ...who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion"

October 10th Replenishment Strategy part 2

Well.....as Chris is away I seem to be on a bit of a roll with the blog so will just keep on going till I run out of stuff to say..or you all just shut me down.!As I said in last entry about a "replenishment strategy " reading good Christian books was one of the things I planned to do and that I had quite a few books that either I hadn't actually read or that hadn't kept my attention I decided to give one book a try. In fact I am not even sure the book belongs to me so if it is yours please let me know so I can eventually return it.

Its by Beth Moore....and its called "Get out of that pit"

I began to read it today and already I am half way through and so far I am enthralled by her perceptiveness.Do you sometimes read a book and wonder if the author actually knows you or has heard about your life or experiences..well this book is a bit like that.What I really like about her is she talks "straight"..no fancy words or dressing things up..she calls it as she sees it and doesn't take prisoners.Already I can feel God beginning to replenish me and bring me up out of the wee pit I seemed to have fallen into recently.

Another way of replenishment is to be careful who I spend my time with.....and today I spent a couple of hours with F.R....F is relatively new in my life having only known her for a couple of years...but she is someone who takes me "up in her lift" she is an authentic friend who shares deeply..yet is fun and ordinary..not at all super spiritual but often will just pop something out that will make me stop and think.This afternoon we enjoyed a wee walk with our two dogs and just shared about how the Willow Creek conference had affected us...and what we were doing and how we were doing...we had some tea..grapes and chocolate and looked at a couple of scriptures that God had brought alive to us individually and we explored what "bright spots" we had experienced in last few weeks even though both of us had struggled a little over the summer.F also felt God had given her a "word" for me in that He was taking me to the Promised Land....so over next few days I am going to think that through and ask God what He means about that.

I am so aware that some of my friends are going through some tough times and if I am to be any good to them and for them as a friend I need to be filled up...otherwise I will be no use to them either as a support or an encouragement.Today for the first time in a few days I somehow or other feel filled up...getting back to the bible...reading a Christian book...getting out into the fresh air and having a walk ...and lets face it Oskar and Sadie are enough to make even the most depressed and empty person smile as they are just gorgeous pooches....and then just spending an hour or so relaxing and chatting about how we are "in God"...isn't that a good way to be replenished?

To keep you in the picture..the washing machine is still dead...my weight hasn't miraculously gone....I still don't have anything to wear for this jolly wedding...we are still broke and in debt....the IVA is 2 years away from completion...my daughter and her hubby are still not experiencing a miracle...2-3 of my buddies are going through incredibly painful situations...I still have to get up tomorrow and serve in car park as team is yet again short....Chris is still away till Monday...I am still on my own for the weekend..but you know what...

God is good..all the time.