Tuesday 8th Dec F is for Feelings part two

Still waffling on about F is for Feelings and I find myself wondering a lot about feelings and blogging. I have been blogging since January this year and I guess I have been pretty open and honest about who I am and what I think...feel..and do...It has been a journey of discovery and some of you have shared your own journeys with me and encouraged me to continue.

There was a spate of negative comments/emails that after some deliberation I didn't publish as I came to the conclusion that if I didn't find them helpful then anyone else reading them wouldn't either.It has been a year of so much happening in every area of life and one that has brought some amazing answers to prayer as well as some prayers that are still on our lips.

I chatted with someone at weekend and we talked about how the blog had made it so much easier for friends to keep up to date with the Mooney happenings and for myself it meant I didn't have to be super jolly or wear a mask and it gave me the freedom to be just generally "not fine".

So...it is with some trepidation that I write this entry and ask the question...have I been too open?..too honest?..too vulnerable?.... I am asking myself the "have I shot myself in the foot " kinda question?. SB preached a sermon last week and spoke about the series he is planning on for the New Year...I think he is basing it on The Beatitudes and is calling it "Recovery". He made the point that many of us find our lives like a rollercoaster and we can go up and down and he was praying that this series would help us to be on an even keel. I listened to that and didn't think too much about it other than to think..."oh sounds good...look forward to that in new year". Later that day a friend in conversation said to me..."the new sermon series sounds Tailor made for you "....we carried on talking but after a couple of minutes I asked her what she meant .

Her reply really shocked me...she said that reading my blog over last few months had made her realise how "wobbly" my Christian walk was and how much I seemed to need some "propping up ". To be honest I was so hit between the eyes that I couldn't even make any kind of response and she obviously thought that what she said wasn't any big deal and walked off......I have been following Christ and laying my life before Him for nearly 25 years and I am the first to hold my hand up and say ...yep...I have had my struggles BUT I have never for one minute stopped walking...or stopped following...or stopped believing....or stopped hoping...or stopped asking....or stopped persevering....

In the beginning of my Christian faith...as I came face to face with some huge issues from my childhood I limped and crawled in the spiritual realm and certainly needed loads of "propping" and could certainly relate to being "wobbly" and I am forever grateful for incredibly supportive friends at that time who prayed and encouraged both Chris and I as we came through some very tough times. My perception of my Christian walk at the moment is that I am aiming to live it with the following scriptures in my head...heart..spirit and soul...

I lift up my eyes to the hills...from where my help comes from...
But my eyes are fixed on you.....
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus ..the author and perfecter of our faith.....
The testing of your faith produces perseverance.....
Let us run the race set before us.....

and many more scriptures that talk about how hard it can be to keep on keeping on.....

This conversation happened not long after another friend had shared with me her feelings and thoughts about something I had said and done that had given her some concern about my attitude and that the way I had reacted to something had surprised her.....and so when two people tell me in two different unconnected ways that they are concerned then I must do what a wise man said to me years ago.....I must search for the "nugget of truth" in what has been said to me.

My conclusions are that.....for this last year in every sphere of my life...I have tried to be honest and when I am not "fine" to say it if asked.....I have worn masks for far too long and have found it liberating to learn to live with who I am and with the people who I call friends I have lived a fairly open book type of life. For me...the "up and down rollercoaster " kind of existence I may have shared about in the blog is different from my faith. No matter what has happened in the emotional realm of my life my spirit has remained unshaken and in fact the honesty with myself and others has also opened up a new depth and dimension to my times with God...

One of my favourite books in The New Testament...
Hebrews Ch.4 verse 13 says this....

Nothing in all creation is hidden in Gods sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.

For too long I would try and hide my real feelings from God but using the blog and opening up to others has laid me bare and something supernatural has happened through that even if at times my emotions are rollercoasting down the long straight my faith is rock solid and tangible and my eyes are ever fixed and focus-ed on Him.

I will look forward to SBs series in the new year....not because I think it will have special significance for me...I like to think every sermon series I hear has got some significance for me anyway...but because like everyone I need to be encouraged and given tools with which to deepen my faith and to give me the strength that we all need to keep walking..keep running..keep persevering..keep asking..keep believing....keep praying...keep hoping.....

I am not 100% certain whether I will continue to blog....or whether I may keep it private ...My feelings are such that I know that keeping a journal over the years has been an incredible help to me in dealing with "stuff" but whether I continue to go public is a question I will be praying about in these last few weeks of 2009. This has been one of the toughest years I have had for some time and I have no real assurance that 2010 will be any better.....but I know this blog has been a huge part of surviving it with my faith intact and my relationships deeper than ever before so I can see the huge benefits blogging has.....and a small part of me hopes that perhaps I have been of some help to others in helping them to identify wth some of my wafflings....

To finish this entry....my emotions are fairly fragile at present and I am finding that tears are never far from spilling over and I am working hard at maintaining my make up.!!....but please know that " I know that my Redeemer lives " and I have assurance that "He will never leave me nor forsake me "

Thursday 3rd Dec F is for Feelings

The F word has so many different forms and I have played a lot in my mind of different variations...but this blog entry will initially start with F for Feelings but who knows as I waffle on it may end up completely different.Years ago Chris and I went on a Marriage Encounter weekend and I think the first session was all about feelings...the main point was that

"All Feelings are Valid and Valuable"...it is what we do with them and how we allow them to affect us !!

eg...its not wrong or bad to be angry...but if we allow it to take over our life and how we deal with things on an ongoing basis then we need to look at how we can deal with it.

I learned a lot over that weekend ....much of which has come back to me over this last year.As a Christian I have laboured far too long under the false assumption that life should be "fine" and " dandy" and if I am having a tough time then I need to "get sorted"...eg pray...ask God to change me...bless me..help me....or whatever. This can then lead to condemnation as it becomes apparent that even after much prayer...much repentance....much bible study etc...that there are times when I just cant seem to "feel" better about life. For way too long this has also led me to believe that F is for Failure I cant even begin to tell you the hours and days I have spent with this F...at times I thought it was my middle name!! and even the odd times when I thought it was my first name too!!I can remember one instance at a Stoneleigh bible week when one of my kids was in trouble and the leaders involved came to talk to us ...I look back on that time as one of the toughest we had ever to deal with and being in the middle of the bible week seemed to make it worse...I felt as if the entire campsite all knew what was going on ( of course that wasn't true)...anyway....I began to cry and took everything that was said as personal confirmation that I had failed big time as a mother....these feelings completely overwhelmed me to the point where I didn't leave my tent for 3 days...( except to go to the loo.!)On one of my quick walks to the loo Ben D caught me ( drat) and he said something which has stuck with me for decades....it was a phrase that one of the speakers had used ..Ken Gott from Sunderland...the phrase is

THE CALLING OF GOD ON YOUR LIFE IS GREATER THAN YOUR FALLING.

and Ben was basically saying to me that ..no matter what had happened with the kid..or whose responsibility it was ..or how I actually felt about it....God had a call on my life. I was so grateful ..not just for his words...but also that people had left me to cry....it can be too easy to just brush things aside and move on with life....but I needed to work things through and come out the other end and then when the time was right God placed Ben in my path outside the loo..!!Ben didn't offer me tissues or try to "make it better"...he just said what he needed to say and left it with me ....and many times in different scenarios that phrase has resonated with me...no matter how much a I mess up...or how much I get over emotional..or how many hours I waste being in an emotional muddle...the call of God on my life is GREATER than my fall

And another F....F is for Fixer in today's culture we are sometimes guilty of being "fixers"....if someone shares about how their life is tough or about how they are feeling about something..we seem to leap into action and try and fix things....have you ever sat with someone and just openly talked about how you are feeling about a certain aspect of your life and before the first tear has dripped off the end of your nose they have handed you a tissue ...hugged you....offered to pray....and thrust a hot cup of tea into your hands. At times I have also been on the receiving end of the "pep talk " you know ..the one that tells you to buck up and be a rabbit or whatever the English version of this is!! And of course there are the occasions when you get told just how much you have to be thankful for....Nothing wrong with any of these Fixes at all but sometimes we just need to get the feelings out into the open before we are "fixed " up.

Okay...I may have exaggerated a little...but you get the gist of what I am saying. Its almost as if feeling sad...or anxious..or overwhelmed...or ...whatever is somehow a "must fix now" event. I recognise that if the feelings go on and on and on and begin to overpower then ..yes ..we do need to step in and offer some help ..but there are times when a good cry...a good moan..a good old "get it all off your chest" tirade is actually a good idea. You can pretty much guarantee that hugging someone or handing them a tissue etc will stop the tears pretty quickly and from my own experience if you damn them up they only come back with even greater force at another time.

God gave us our emotions for a purpose....I am totally convinced that every aspect of our emotions...from fear through to joy...covering a multitude and range are all God given and if allowed to be used in the right way can and will serve the right purpose. We see from scripture that Jesus expressed his emotions...he wept...he showed anger...he was overwhelmed at times....he withdrew into solitude (maybe he just needed to get away to deal with his emotions too) and if we are made in Gods image then I guess it is okay for us to express our feelings .

Part of my journey this last year ..through this blog..... has been an emotional one exploring my feelings and writing them down has been such a huge help as I have processed all that has been happening in my life proving again and again that...."writing is my best chance of happiness " and I am grateful to have had a place to just be " me " without fear of rejection or judgement...altho rest assured I have still wrestled with those two.!! I am ever aware that feelings are a tool that if used wisely we can use for our advantage and for our healing and our emotional maturing and also for our character development and for those of us who are Christians they can also change us "from one degree of glory to another " The reverse is also true in that the enemy who is "prowling like a lion seeking to devour us " we at times need to be asking God to help us to bring them under HIS control.

F is also for Finally and if you have been following all the ups and downs and twists and turns of the Mooney money saga then you will know that the dreaded word "redundancy" has reared its ugly head again.This time it isnt only just a rumour ....Chris has now recieved offical notification that "consultations " will be taking place the week beginning 14th December and rather than make this blog a long and boring explanation of what my feelings are ( which I will blog about another time )...I will close this now with a plea...please pray for us . Thank you .

Sunday 22nd November F is for Family

F is for family and I am so incredibly blessed with family....both the natural and the spiritual families that are such a big part of my life.This last couple of days I have had the pleasure and joy of having almost every member of our little posse around me. Mike our eldest was here over weekend doing a fireworks display in Reading and he rang Thursday to say could he and Debs...(his partner) come and stay for the 2 nights.This prompted us into action and quick texts and calls to Cat..Nick..Andrew and Limara to see what everyone had planned and we ended up with a lovely combination of us all at various times over the weekend.

Mike and Debs live in Northampton with Mathilda (9) and Alfie the pooch (who is best friends with Oskar our pooch )and we aim to see them all every few weeks but like most families nowadays it can be difficult to get everyone in the same place at the same time. As they all grow older and build their own lives and commitments and their own friendships and have other families to consider too in the case of in laws etc we always treasure the times when we get all of them together.

We couldnt get all 8 of us in the same place at the same time....so this time we had a game of two halves....we had a lovely coffee and cake at Holme Grange and a muddy walk with both dogs at Heathlake with Debs, Cat and Nick whilst Mike was away all day setting up the fireworks. Then we had Andrew, Limara and Debs for our trip to Reading...with a look around the shops for Christmas ideas and a beer in The Slug and Lettuce before watching the display in the pouring rain.!! To top it all off ....a big night out for the gang at McDonalds at Mill Pond...Big Tastys and and chocolate milk shakes all round.!!..No expense spared for the Mooney gang.!!Such a simple weekend...no great amount of money spent but a real richness in the laughing and interaction going on between us all.

F is for Family...I love my family...I love my kidsLet me count the ways.


I love the way in which they chatter and giggle amongst themselves.
I love the fact that Chris and I can just sit and watch them having time together and relax in knowing that they have grown into being friends as well as being siblings.
I love the way that they tease one another.
I love the way in which they allow us to tease them.
I love the way in which their partners have brought a new dimension to the family Mooney.
I love the way they walk ahead of us at times and I see them holding hands.
I love to see the way in which they whisper to one another a secret that they don't want us to know...especially at this time of year when pressies are being discussed.!!!
I love the way that they ask about what is going on in each others lives and show and interest in how they all are.
I love to watch the odd kiss and hand brushing their partners cheek.
I love the knowledge that their relationships are strong
I love sitting watching telly with them..reading magazines...eating McDonalds...drinking beer ..knowing that money cant buy what we share.
I love the knowledge that all of our own kids have their names written in the book of life along with our son in law Nick (and Debs and Limara are on our prayer list )and our constant plea is that God would call our sons back into a real and vibrant relationship with Him.
I love the way in which they still seem like little kids...Limara giving Andrew a piggy back in the Mall car park lets you know just how silly the Mooneys can be.!!
I love that despite all the mistakes Chris and I made as parents (and still make ) that out wee family is still intact.In today's culture when so many families have had fall outs and one half don't speak to the other and siblings don't speak to each other or kids don't visit their parents I feel especially blessed.
I love the scripture that says "her children will arise and call her blessed " Proverbs 31 verse 28 I always used to wonder what this scripture meant...and although I am no scholar I believe that when my kids get together with us and we have time as we have done this weekend that I feel "blessed"...and I think that this may express some of this verse in our lives. Many years ago we had a giggle in our family when we were sitting at our meal and talking about this scripture and without any prompting all three of them got up and bowed to me and kept saying " blessed " "blessed" " blessed"...it became a sort of family/mummy joke for a few months after.

F is for Family and I am thankful to God today for this last couple of days where we were able to be a family again and to know that warmth and ease that comes from just being able to be ourselves. Family is such an important part of my life and looking back on my own childhood and family I am constantly amazed that out of the wreckage of my own past.... Chris and I have created a relatively close and loving family and I can only say it is God and His grace...mercy..love and forgiveness that has enabled us to experience this.

Wednesday 18th November F is for Full and Final

Well.....after an exchange of emails with out IVAs IP/account manager there may be a glimmer of hope somewhere in the tunnel we seem to have been in for so long. IVAs can be finished early with what is called a "full and final" one off payment...we had worked out ours would need to be just under 15,000 but today after discussing it with him he informs us that it could be as little as 9,500....this is so much less than we thought and has brought a surge of hope into our almost depleted and defeated spirits.

Its been a bit like the long haul up the Pepsi Max in Blackpool..(not speaking from experience I might add )...the hanging on tight ....and to some extent the shutting of our eyes and the not wanting to look in case we panic. Yet now....we are asking ourselves....is the end in sight....dare we begin to hope...dare we begin to ask...dare we begin to pray...dare we begin to believe?????

F is also for "freedom"...God gave His precious son so that we would be set free from sin...set free from guilt ...set free from shame...set free from condemnation.....is this freedom within our grasp...??

Isaiah chapter 61 verse 1 says this

"The spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me because the Lord has appointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted...to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners."

Being in debt is like being in prison.....when we entered the IVA it was a court ordained process and to some extent we were "sentenced" to 5 years hard labour to pay for our "sin" of getting into debt!! We are in many respects very grateful to have this as it provided us with an escape and also gave us the means in which we could pay back as much as we could......but the close supervision that the IP has over your finances and your lives is so very like being captive...Each year the review examines your income and expenditure and negotiations are required for every increase needed and we have to justify things like pet insurance and new tyres for car . It is a long and dark 5 years and the thought of being able to perhaps finish it early has given us a shred of hope.

The chapter quoted above is titled in my bible "The Year of the Lords Favour" and I wonder if 2010 will be a year for us to know Gods favour in this one aspect of our lives. We are so very aware of Gods favour in many ways and so aware He has placed us in this amazing community of believers where we can be open and honest and know acceptance and encouragement.

Thank you to those of you who have sent comments and emails ...your ongoing encouragement and love crosses any divide I may feel about being in debt.I am also incredibly humbled and grateful that some of you have shared your own personal situation which has allowed me to feel that I am not alone.

Tuesday 17th November F is for Finances and Future

Its me again .....and feel free to ignore these F word posts if they bore you...I cant switch off my head...do you ever get like that?? "busy head " I call it when the thoughts go round and round and no matter what you do you cant switch it off. I have even resorted to going to bed to see if sleep would help but have only dozed and woken up with a splitting "busy head " Chris came home from work and I just cried into his shoulder and snotted on his jumper..am I the only one who does this??

We talked over dinner about what we would do "if"...so many "ifs"...the "if " word is almost as worrying as the " f" word . We looked at each and every scenario and asked each other all the kinds of questions that are usually reserved for anyone else but us. I had coffee with FL today and we talked it all through and the whole issue of "its not fair" came up and why is that things happen. I know for us we are only following through on the biblical principle of "you reap what you sow"..we got ourselves into this mess over a long period of time and therefore its only right that we should take the time to honour the debt and pay off as much as we can . I understand and accept that 100%...I haven't for one second thought ...this isn't fair ....

My biggest struggle is the lack of control and not knowing what the future holds for us...The F word stands also for Future...add to that the "if " word...and the two of these combined is enough to throw me slipping and sliding off the "rock" and cause me to blink and wink and squeeze eyes tight shut thereby causing me to take my eyes off of God.

We have made some decisions as both of us find that the actual decision making process brings some element of control and even a smidgen of control is so much better when hanging on for dear life. We have contacted our IP and asked what are the circumstances needed for us to make a full and final payment and what kind of offer we would have to make to end the IVA early and depending on what he says we will look at whether this is a viable option for us. By our own calculations we think it may be around 14,000.

If you consider me your friend or even just that you read my blog..please can I ask you to pray for us...I may seem on the outside to be coping and you may even see me smiling and serving and working...but to quote a very old and favourite song ...

"behind a painted smile..the tears of a clown ..when theres no-one around"

I met with TM last night for mentoring and we had a revelation from one of the scriptures.....you know when you read something and it just leaps out of the page and enters into your spirit? well ...it has been settling into my heart most of the day.Take a look at 1 Corinthians chapter 6 ....the entire chapter seems to be constantly saying

"Do you not know"

and today its as if God has been saying to me...do you not know..do you not know..do you not know..

I know that for me I need to hang on to the word of God...the Psalm I am meditating on is Psalm 25 and there is so much in there that I know God wants to use to speak strength to me and give me the ability to hang on in there...

verse 1 says...To you O Lord I lift up my soul in you I trust
verse 3 says .....No-one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame

It is in "His word" that I know I need to find rest and seek peace .....and for the moment I am "hiding in the shadow" of His wings....with nothing else to hang on to except His Word.......It is late and I am off back to bed in the hope that my busy head will slow down.......

Monday 16th F is for Finances

F is for Finances and F is for Faith....and we are on a journey that seems to be never-ending and at times resembles a roller coaster of immense proportions. To recap...we are in the 4th year of our IVA and for the last year or so Chris has his safe secure employment of 30 years turned upside down by Anacomp going into administration.We had months of not knowing what would happen and the threat of redundancy hanging over us to then find that Formscan had bought it over. We breathed deep and thanked God for continuing to care for us and sighed relief into our praises and reminded ourselves that God

"would never leave us or forsake us" and that "the plans He has for us are not to harm us but to prosper us ".

And so....6 months on we have just heard that Formscan has lost its major client and that cutbacks are on the cards and as the TUPE regulations under which Chris transferred all his conditions of employment etc has now run out we are once more faced with the possibility of redundancy. This in itself isn't the huge threat..but for our IVA it could the death knell and could bring us to the point of failing it and/or having to go bankrupt and/or losing our house. We are once again on the roller coaster and hurtling into the unknown..( just for the record...I don't do roller coasters of any description!)Add to this my own employment situation..as I am self employed I have to trust that the income I earn will always be there..but I have no guarantee that this will be the case..so between the two of us we are once more hanging on tightly to a white knuckle ride.

I have long since stopped worrying about bankruptcy...God is God and whatever happens here in our lives .....He will never change and we can always trust that whatever happens to us will ultimately be in His hands.This is something we have learned this last 3 years...

FAITH..is the F word for our Finances

One of the things I am struggling with isn't Faith for our Finances its the whole issue of being unable to be free to "give ". It has been highlighted more than usual this last few days as we have been to a CAP fundraiser..( CAP...Christians against Poverty ) and they were looking to raise 140,000 in one evening..there were approx 400 people there and I guess most of them were the big givers that are a huge part of CAPs fundraising . The guy who was speaking talked a bit about how much they wanted to raise etc and then he said..."some of you may only be able to give as little as 250.00 but some of you may be able to give 1000.00 and more "..Chris and I looked at each other and just thought "oh dear..the little bit of cash we had brought with us was so pitiful".....Then on Sunday at church we had a gift day for the work we are involved with in Serenje and the little we had to give seemed so small .

Ben Davies used to quote from

Proverbs 22 verse 7.." and the borrower is servant to the lender"

and it is at times like this that we realise just how true that verse is !!..We are unable to tithe and we have lost the freedom to use the little money we do have spare each month without a great deal of thought. Gone are the days when we could spontaneously go away for a weekend or buy an outfit and certainly as seen this last weekend we are severely hampered in our ability to respond to giving to the causes we are involved with. We have 680.00 going out each month to our IVA paying off debts and have done so for over three years with the prospect of a further two years still to go and this would more than cover our tithe as well as
"free" money with which we could engage more in the areas we would like to give to.

Ben Davies preached on Sunday and asked people who wanted to be "risky givers" to come forward for prayer..we went forward and Simon prayed for us .He prayed about the guilt we still sometimes feel about our situation and asked God to release us again from the feelings of shame and that we would know Gods peace.He also prayed that we would have money come in supernaturally....my prayer at times has always been that God would provide us with enough money to offer what is called a "full and final" offer to the IVA to finish it off early. I am once again prompted to pray for this lump sum to come in but if not....then our prayer is that we remain in secure employment at least until we are able to be debt free in September 2011 ........
I am longing for that day when we have paid off all our debts and we are free !!

Two things to finish of this blog entry....

1)we did give to CAP and Serenje and actually felt really peaceful about it...we have learned over the years that God look at our hearts and our spirit and one major thing Ben Davies has taught us over the last 25 years is that we shouldn't feel under compulsion to give and that God wants us to be "cheerful " givers....so our small amount went into both the offering baskets with a smile !!
2)When Chris heard about what was happening at his work he talked to his boss and explained about the debt and IVA and his boss was incredibly sympathetic and said he would keep that in consideration over next few months as they seek to work through the cutbacks. He said he would do all he could even if it meant cutting him to a 3 or 4 day week etc... I am just so proud of my gorgeous hubby that he had the guts to admit to his boss our situation..it isn't easy to be so open and vulnerable outside in the big world of business.

So...here I go again...not knowing what the future holds ..I wish I was so mature to have that "what will be.....will be " attitude but to be honest I know I will have to hang on the F word tightly as we wait to hear what is going to happen in next few months. Please keep loving us encouraging us and praying for us...we are so grateful.

Friday November 13th The " F " Word

I am moving on to a different set of blog entries and they will all be focus-ed on

The " F " word.....

F stands for a variety of words that are affecting my life and possibly yours and so I hope you will continue to journey with me over the next few weeks.

My first word is FAITH and I guess this will underpin all the other F words I come up with as it is the solid rock formation of my Christian life.The bible says so much about Faith....I just checked the concordance and there are so many great Faith verses upon which I could base this blog entry. When I first started my blog (way back in January ) I quoted the chapter from Hebrews ... That amazing collection of faith verses that begins with verse 1

"Now Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" and yet this chapter is sandwiched in between this verse and one of the last verses which says this

"These were all commended for their faith yet none of them received what they had been promised."

I waver all the time between these two verses....and I guess this is why my blog is called " The Shadow of Victory"...I know all about living the life of faith...fighting the good fight ..believing the promises of God...and yet knowing that many of the promises have not yet been fulfilled. There is something comforting about living "in the shadows"...something peaceful...something safe...something secure.

Just to give you a taste of where I am going in the next few entries ..here is a list of F words...if you can think of any more..let me know and I can blog away to my hearts content working my way down the list!!

Finance,Fasting,Friends,Family,
Fun,Fat,Food,Fear,Facebook,
Fellowship,Fight,Feelings,
Fall,Father,Finish,Focus,
Follow,Freedom,Future,

So.....Faith..underpins everything..it is the basic solid foundation of all that I am and all that I would aspire to be...walk with me on this wonderful faithfilled adventure called LIFE.!!