The GGGggggift of FFFFffriendship ( part three )

You may be forgiven if you are wondering if the keyboard on my laptop has got the twitches.! It is just a reflection on how my speech is at present and I thought I would post about my newest
 * friend *...my stammer .!

Since April/May last year I have had several different medications to help me deal with anxiety. The first medication brought along with it a slight jaw twitch followed by a sort of swallowing of word beginnings.(!). The next medication did well for a good few weeks until the jaw clicking began..most unpleasant and quite embarrassing. This lasted for two months until I begged my doctor to change medication again. I was slightly naughty at this time because I stopped taking the medication anyway and after 10 days I was able to hold a conversation without steam coming out of my ears with frustration. The next medication was bliss...good sleep...good days and no jaw click or consonant swallowing ..for three whole weeks I really felt as if life was getting better...and then

The return of the jaw click with a vengeance...followed swiftly by the consonant swallowing and bringing up the rear the face twitch and not to be discounted the tears of frustration and the horrid horrid horrid thoughts swilling around in my head. I am now at a loss as to where to go now...its the tension of living with a brighter mind and less anxiety ( note its not yet NO anxiety ) but with
this awful life inhibiting stammer...OR a mind that is filled with crap  but able to speak relatively clearly ...or at least with enough clarity so that I can go out into the world again.!

Looking back on this last three months especially I have isolated myself more than ever before. I may be actually present in some social situation but its only my body...my mind is constantly wandering and wary of speaking to someone I may not know well... You may have seen my back as I left church early...or even a weak smile as I nodded at something you may have said to me. You may have looked forward to having a catch up coffee with me and then been slightly miffed that I cancelled at last minute....you may even have decided NOT to try again for a time and day to catch up ....This stammer is NOT me...I am still the same person and still the same friend but for some reason this anxiety is gripping my speech centre and the right medication hasn't yet been found to help my anxiety without affecting the speech centres in the brain.

Just as an aside...I dream in stammer too !

Fffrrrriendship...what a gift...I have actually spent time recently with great friends and altho I haven't said very much its been really lovely to be with them.I had a trip to see The Yate Youngster for lunch last week and a group of The Oldies here for an evening and on Saturday I spontaneously dumped me and and my stammer on The Pevensey Pal for a couple of days recently and altho the stammer was stammering away nicely at all these times I had a good catch up and for me it was just what I needed.

God created us to be in relationship with not only him but others too but when one of the fundamental ways of being together ( communication ) is hindered it takes a fair bit of determination to press through. Added to the stammering is my deafness and with two of the major senses knocked out you may well be forgiven if you have been wondering where I have been for last few months...simply answered ...in isolation !

My main reason for this entry is simply to ask for your forgiveness....I am pretty sure there are a few of you...family and friends who at one time or another over this last few months have been let down by me....disappointed...hurt...and maybe even have made the decision not to continue to walk this road with me....all I can say is....my heart aches...my spirit aches...my jaw aches ..
my head aches (!)...and I am humbling myself daily before God and begging him to bring healing ...

Alongside the medication  I have been taking I have had a great doctor who listens...a great strength especially when the talker is stammering and crying....I have had some therapy...both of the mind kind but also the physical kind and I have got some "tools" to put into place when both the anxiety and the stammer get overwhelming. Its not perfect and I still prefer to be alone but its a start and its something to build on and continually putting it into practise  ....I hope...see 2014 being a much better year than the latter part of 2013.

To all who I would call Ffffrriend and to all who I know are FFfffamily ....TTThhaaannkyyou