F is for Food..a very apt subject for the week of prayer and fasting.This F word has been a major thorn in my flesh for decades and I so wish I could be delivered from it.Obviously NOT food itself but my unholy addiction to overeating and my sugar addiction.This week I have decided to fast till Thursday evening ...I am not doing a water only but allowing myself hot and cold drinks...and I am also fasting from telly and fiction.
Strangely enough it hasn't been a huge problem today with not eating but the need to read during the day and to watch telly late evening has proven to be the difficult things.I have always been an avid reader and have a reputation among family and friends to be able to read a book in a couple of days and if exceedingly good will read it in one sitting.!! This has always been due to my hearing difficulty as watching telly holds no pleasure for me if a programme has no subtitles...so over the years I have got very used to reading as a hobby. Telly watching has not been too addictive but I love crime shows and usually about 9 ish I will watch at least a couple of shows...I never tape programmes and we don't have all the fancy Sky Plus etc ..so if I don't watch it then its gone and not a problem.
Today has been a day where I have picked up several Christian books that have languished over last month and also the Bible and spent time reading and meditating . I have also spent time with 5 lovely friends who came round to stand with me in prayer and intercede on behalf of Cat and Nick. I feel incredibly blessed that they took time out of their busy day to come over and pray with me...and felt Gods presence as we shared and prayed and read Gods word. What an encouragement.
Tonight has seen the first of the church prayer times and it was so good to hang out with the community of believers what I am part of ..to worship..to pray...to share Gods word...I am intent on seeking God this week...for myself...for Chris...for my family..friends ...but mostly I am intent on seeking God for HIMSELF....I am intent on seeking a fresh revelation of His character...a deeper appreciation of Jesus and all He did for me on the cross...a fresh infilling of Gods Holy Spirit so that I may grow and mature and know the power to live a life of Godliness.
One of the books I am reading this week is by Susanna Foth Aughtmon and in the chapter entitled "I don't feel lovable " she says this:
If you want a brother or sister in Christ to keel over on command....when they ask how you are ....just reply.." I have been loathing myself in small increments today. If I could crawl out of my skin I would . I wish I was anyone but myself. I am not sure why God loves me . I can barely stand myself."
For me this rang true as I have not had a good day...apart from the hour when my friends were round I have felt on edge..narky...tearful....miserable....!( possibly as a result of fasting and sugar withdrawal ) I felt that the conversations I have had haven't been too great and that I may have upset people...I have felt very "touchy" and in fact if I am honest I have been feeling this for more than just today and possibly for weeks. Conversations I have had...in all sorts of places and with all sorts of people have been misread or misunderstood and I have had to battle constantly with feelings of anger ..resentment and fear...and had to force myself to keep going when everything in me has wanted to turn tail and run.
Today and this evening it has been good for me to just admit these feelings to God..admit again that I am a sinner....ask for forgiveness..ask for His cleansing ..ask for His Holy Spirit to again fill me and enable me to stand firm once again. Fasting certainly concentrates the mind...focus-es your thoughts on Him and in turn as I invite God to shine His light into my heart and spirit and show me what He wants to change in my life . I have the feeling this week may well be a week where I am in the spotlight !
F is for Finally....I am heading off to bed shortly...I feel physically "edgy" but know this is just my body saying..feed me....and my prayer is that as I have fed myself today on spiritual food that the physical body will quiet down and get some rest so I can continue the battle tomorrow. God bless you as you perhaps walk this week in fasting and prayer along with me.
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