I was going to carry on with the looping the loop on the rollercoaster but I decided to have a small detour....As I think I have mentioned I have been a part of the Inspire Ministry....mentoring...and have had the benefit of meeting with CH every 2 weeks since the beginning of the year. I am fully convinced that everyone at some point should have a mentor...maybe at different seasons in their lives. When Chris and I became Christians we had a couple who "walked alongside " us (unofficially )mentoring us for about 5 years and I know they had a huge influence in the early years of our journey. So I was looking forward to getting into the same kind of relationship ...knowing that THIS season would be a good time to have someone alongside me.
We have been reading the book ..."Having a Mary Heart in a Martha world" and this last chapter was all about WORRY.....I had been quite smug as I went through it and decided I was not a worrier.!!!...and was kinda thinking the evening would be a bit of a doddle.....Yet God sees deep inside our spirits and knows everything about us and even when we think we are doing okay .....He knows different. As we began to pray together my eyes filled with tears...I decided I could control this and sniffed quietly and wiped them away. CH had her eyes closed and wouldnt even realise I was crying if I was clever......
I got myself together and we carried on praying and next thing I knew I was a goner.!! couldnt keep it under wraps any longer and just had a good old weep..all the time saying "but I am not a worrying person" . I realised that whilst I may not have "actively" been trying to solve things I was still deeply troubled by stuff. I guess as I have also recently had a shingles attack too that could possibly have been a clue (!)
I have decided to list my "worrys" in the hope that "better out than in" and perhaps you may be tempted to pray for me. None of the areas I am worrying about can I actually do anything about so I have to learn to lay them at the foot of the cross and allow Jesus to bear the burden for me. I think that if you are a"fixer" then we like to think we can fix it all up and I fall into that category of a planner...
a doer ...and a fixer...and perhaps I can learn that sometimes I just have to let it go and let God.
The main "worry" has been Chris work situation...his company is about to be liquidated and he has been under threat of redundancy for about 9 months...Chris has been working for this company for over 30 years and at 57 we didnt want him to be in the job market...(more of this in another entry)...linked to that is the fact that we have quite a bit of debt hanging over us and several years ago we entered into a 5 year IVA..of which still has over 2 years to go (more of this in another entry too)...so for a long time I have obviously been worried about what would happen and as we know quite a bit about IVAs and what happens it could possibly have meant we would have gone bankrupt and lost our home.
Financially we are on a very tight and supervised budget....and this last 3-4 months we have had huge unexpected outlays....if its not the car needing 300.00 extra work its both cars needing MOTs and taxed and insured all in same period of time....
PLUS 3 x trips to Scotland for 80th birthdays and diamond wedding celebrations,last December ...this month and April too . One friend recently made the suggestion that we dont go to Scotland for these family celebrations and I found myself weeping even more at this thought...we had been the stupid ones who had made such a mess in our finances in the past and now we were in a situation where the entire Mooney clan would be gathering and we couldnt be there because we couldnt afford it. I cant NOT go....its the parents and at 80 this may be the last chance we have to be with them and ALL the family together...neither of them are in good health so we have "found " the money by using my tax account ...only got to find that in July...but hey ho..I can "worry " about that then.!!!
My final "worry" that I was smug enough to think I had it covered is my sweetheart of a daughter....she and her gorgeous hubby are facing some difficult times and ...(you know even as I write this sentence the tears are dripping on keyboard....) and as her mummy ..everything in me wants to wrap her in my arms and kiss it all better...(pause to wipe eyes and blow snotty nose,)...When I am powerless to fix...what else can I now do but kneel at the cross and cry out to our great and sovereign God...and then TRUST HIM.....this is what I must go back to spiritual school to relearn again and again.....Trust Trust Trust.....
So....maybe now I have a new thing to add to my worry list...even more personal vulnerability....so be kind to me please...hee hee....
May God keep you free from worry and may you ...like me.....learn to "cast all your cares on Him...because He cares for you"
Normal blogging will be resumed next time...so hang on tight .
3 comments:
Beautiful, lovely Irene...how I love you! Your vulnerability, your honesty, your friendship, your support, your love, your kindness...how our Jesus is moulding you and shaping you and causing you to lean on and into Him. He is your Rock, your Redeemer, your Saviour, your Strength...I look forward to continuing this journey with you. Praying for and with you. With much love. x
Yep you do love going off on tangents!!
As you say not a lot you can do to 'fix' what has been going on but better to trust in God than try and trust the world.
Still with you on this
CJ
Keep going Irene...God's in charge...even when we can't feel it. My recent bible readings have all been about resting in God and now moving on to how we need to alow the Holy Spirit to continually fill us and do stuff in His strength not our own....so true but hard to let go of our control.
I really do understand how you feel about the vulnerability thing, but as you said in your blog it's better out than in!!!
Continuing to pray with you
God Bless
xx
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