March 31st....The Long Straight

This will be my last entry re the abuse "thorn" so I guess you can all slacken the knuckles and relax a bit before we gather any more speed for more twists and turns on the rollercoaster.

To round it all up and ensure nothing is left unsaid it is important to understand just how far I have come over the years and how God has worked in me ....it is always good to stop and give time to praise God and give thanks and I have much to give thanks for......but before I do....

Forgiveness is a huge issue for anyone who has known trauma and abuse.....several people over the years ( non believers ) urged me to report and press charges.....but I knew that this wasnt the way God wanted me to go...altho I am full of admiration for anyone who has the courage to do this. As most of the perpetrators were nameless and faceless and some incidents were over 45 years ago the chances of me even finding them alive were pretty small anyway. The "world" talks about justice and vengeance but I know that in the "word" God promises that "vengeance is mine" and that "mercy will triumph over judgement"...and God also says "He will restore the years the locusts have eaten " .

There is something inexplicable in showing mercy.......when I have prayed forgiveness prayers over the years I have known immense liberation in my spirit....and on several occasions over the years I have come face to face with 2 of the abusers and have known a peace that "is beyond all understanding". It is hard to explain how when at a wedding reception I was seated almost next to one of the people who had abused me ...who I hadnt seen in 24 years and .....he looked at me and he KNEW.....he looked totally ashamed and like a rabbit caught in the headlights of a car he was deeply afraid.....of exposure ....of repercussions.....and altho we didnt have a good old chinwag I enjoyed myself with all the wedding fun and he was utterly miserable.....You see ...in releasing him into Gods hand ....letting go of the hurt and pain and and showing him mercy ...the hold he had over my spirit was broken ...I was free ...yet it was obvious he wasnt.

Another amazing act of God happened when I was in the middle of a 6 week session of counselling and we were dealing with one of the most painful episodes and totally out of the blue as I wasnt in touch with this person and hadnt seen nor heard from him for a long time...I received a letter that started...

"Dear Irene....this letter comes 34 years too late but ...." and he then went on to say he was admitting the abuse and asking for my forgiveness..!! I couldnt believe Gods timing on that one and in truth it brought a closure to me that God must have known I needed....to forgive is one side of a coin ...but to then have the person who has sinned against you ask you to forgive them brings a depth of healing that is truly unknowable apart from God.

In all of this I do want to point out that relationships arent always "restored"....none of the people who abused me are my bosom buddies....but I can be in the same room as them and not think about it....I can even write a Christmas card and not curse under my breath...and on occasions (not often..) I can even ask God to bless them and save them .The "restoration" I believe God promised me of the "years the locusts have eaten" is of a different nature and not all to do with the abuse.

The restoration of the years the locusts have eaten for me cover every area of my past.....from a broken home with divorced parents...God has enabled me to have a marriage that is built on "the rock"....from losing two brothers to suicide God has given me 3 children who are all still alive and well and definetly kicking.....from moving from house to house and school to school God has blessed us with being in the same place for 25 years (albeit Bracknell and not the seaside ggrrrrr)...from never feeling loved and not really thinking I was able to keep friends for long...I have friendships that go back decades and even friends who I have known for 36 and 49 years respectively.....yes thats you Sandra H and Caroline M ....plus friends here in Bracknell who love me ..."whatever".....from growing up completely unchurched and not knowing His presence God has called me by name and is showing me daily how much He loves and cares for me......from thinking I was of no use as I was too broken God has used me again and again in the church community I belong to....truly a restoration worthy of praise.

Recently Yvonne S. gave me a word from God...it was RESTITUTION.....and she explained that she believed that a "time of restitution" was coming to me.....not restoration...but restitution ...and although I am not clear on what this means I eagerly wait for the fullness of what God is doing....

And finally.....Ephesians ch 3 v 20...says this

Now to Him who is able to do IMMEASURABLY more than we could ask or imagine ,according to His power that is at work within us....to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever...Amen