Shadow Of Victory

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

March 25th Hanging upside down

I have never in my life been on any of the newer roller coasters...nor do I ever plan on going on one...but I can guess that when it goes looping the loop that everyone hangs on tightly...and screams.....well hang on tight and scream if you need to.!!

It is so difficult for anyone who has not suffered abuse to understand how it affects the spirit...and for this reason I haven't really spoken too much to friends over the years. I spent a lot of time talking and praying with counsellors who were Godly women and gave me amazing support but I still never felt that they truly understood the depths of the hurt ...pain and suffering. The healing I have received over the years has been hard fought for and costly in terms of vulnerability that I consider myself to be a "hero"!! For soldiers who get wounded and then go back into the battlefield they are awarded medals and accolades...well...anyone who has fought this battle deserves medals and accolades too and God has many times whispered into my heart that I am hero.!

Lets look at the wounds that are inflicted on a child....when abused....I did a couple of modules in psychology that were very helpful in understanding the process but still trust that God has His doctorate in all sciences of the mind ...soul and spirit .He is the healer of our souls and the one who sets us free...In Him we have redemption and it is through Jesus Christ that ultimately we are set free.

Every time someone touched me wrongly or I was subjected to abusive situations I shut down...by that I mean that I blanked out what was happening in the physical realm and let darkness fill my mind and conscious thoughts. For long periods of time during and immediately after I would be silent and pretend to sleep...I would lie extremely still....and press my eyes closed...I would hold my breath and clench my teeth and hold every muscle paralyzed ...afraid to move in case the person either thought I was awake or that they would begin it all again. If the person then left the room I would curl into a tight ball and see how long I could hold my breath for and counting the seconds under my breath. Usually I would wet myself as I would be frightened to get out of bed. If the person remained in the bed I would "disappear". This was the worst possible thing that happened and is the most difficult to explain.

By "disappearing" I became invisible and could leave myself behind....I guess the modern day psychology would call this "detachment" and it really doesn't describe fully the immense consequences that disappearing can leave behind. Every time I did this a small part of me was "left behind"...so as I grew up I wasn't complete. At ages 3...then 7...8...9 and 10 and later 14...fragments of me were lost somewhere in the darkness. As I grew up into adulthood I would find myself behaving inappropriately...eg even now I find myself "sticking my tongue out" at men in a sort of laughing kind of way..but it is really the small child in me creeping out at times .

At times of healing as I was prayed for it would involve forgiving the people....and this can take time as different layers are revealed.....it can involve deliverance as when the darkness is empty of God the enemy can fill it with demonic influences. But the most significant times of healing where when I was encouraged to face the anger...release it ...and allow the pain and hurt to surface. To be told again and again that I was dirty and horrible and smelly and ...to be hurt and punished and then ignored over and over again can cause tremendous pain and the most horrific lie that can ever find its way into a child's memory is that somehow or other it was "all my fault".

A wise and wonderful counsellor prayed for God to touch the "sore bits " of my young child's spirit and over a period of time I was able to cry.....and I don't mean gentle drips of water coursing neatly down my cheeks....I mean...deep gut wrenching agonising moans from somewhere deep in the darkness...I am talking snot and gunge and eyes swollen and too painful for my lids to close ever again...I am meaning the inability to breathe but existing on gasps of air snatched into my lungs in between fresh onslaughts of "death" being brought back to life...of Gods love touching every small and hidden part of me...of the blood of Christ washing me clean of all the "dirtiness" This in actual fact happened to me several times over the years as I went back to do battle and has been the most significant part of the healing process. I would say that forgiving people is one of the strategic steps in the healing but the dealing with the anger and recognising the depth of pain is also of great importance.

As I continued my journey into freedom I began to realise that I was holding on to some of the "stuff"...at times I would receive prayer or recognise Gods prompting to pray but I would be reluctant to let anyone help me. I began to talk to God about this and ask why was it that I was holding back and I began a fresh journey into "finding myself"...I was without identity...I had a lot of labels attached to me (anyone interested in labels have a listen to the Mothers day preach on the Kerith Community Church website as Catrina did a good job talking about this )....My labels looked like this...my identity was wrapped up in these words..

A victim
A survivor
A product of a broken home
An unwanted child
An abused child

All of these labels were spoken to me at one time or another and in fact there were many others that I will talk about later and my identity was completely warped. I will be sharing about my journey of discovery as I began to rip the labels off me that were never intended for me ...and seek out what was the truth behind the lies.
Stay with me....

5 comments:

sandra said...

With you all the way Irene...you are truly a hero....xx

Cat Kent said...

Love you mum
you are my hero
xxxx

Sandra in Bonnie Scotland said...

I'm truly amazed just how long you've had this "stuff" bottled up inside you, and now understand some of your idiosyncrasies my lovely friend (which yes we've shared some laughs about over the years)....still riding the rollercoaster with you, go girl, go! Lotsa love, Sandra

Anonymous said...

The thing to remember about roller coasters is, that even when you are upside down you are still strapped in. They may look scary and horrendous from the ground, but there are safety mechanisms built into them. Keep leaning on the Holy Spirit - He's your seat belt - and He won't let you fall. But even though we know in our head that the roller coaster is safe, we still get the scary feeling in our tummy when we are on it. And so with you Irene, the pain and the scariness that goes with examining these feelings is part of the ride, but God is with you, and though it may not feel like it sometimes, He will never let you go through more than you can cope with. That's why we have to recover old ground sometimes, and do it in stages. At the end of the ride though, you will be able to see a reason for the process and know that it was worth it. Keep going my friend, you are on the right track!!
Loving you,
Geri xx

sally berry said...

Dear Irene,
So many thanks for asking me to share your journey. Your courage in confronting your past and your determination to build a wonderful new future is the stuff that legends are made of.
love sally