March 24th Looping the Loop

Hang on tight whilst I take you on a journey....it may not be a pleasant one so feel free to skip this entry....but better yet ....to read on and see God at work.

I have shared about abuse being one of the major scars in my life and without going into details let me run through what "the enemy" and the fallen world can use to damage Gods precious creation.

From age 3 right through to age 14 there were many small events that taken in isolation may not have caused much pain but when seen one on the other the ultimate end result is a broken spirit in much need of Gods healing. As I have already said...no one raped me ...the incidents were all inappropriate touches and this happened possibly about 5-6 times by several different people and some completely odd happenings which seemed irrelevant but still deeply affected me.

so.....let me mention the seemingly odd events.....in the park where we all played a man exposed himself and offered money to touch him....nowadays we would have all gone home screaming to our parents and police would have been called...but 45 years ago..the friends I was with thought this would be a good idea and we ended up with ten shillings which was a fair amount of sweets between us all !!! A relative at one of the many houses we stayed in tried to come into my room one night and the cousin I was sharing a bed with had locked the door as she told me he came in regularly and she wanted to stop him...so we huddled together under the blankets for an hour or so whilst he rattled the door knob and tried to persuade us to open the door.I got up one night in a strange house (remember I explained that when my mum left my dad we ended up going from one set of friends or relatives to stay for different lengths of time ) and I wandered into a bedroom where 2 people were engaged in a sexual act....and later in this same house they engaged in this in the same bed as I was in when they thought I was sleeping.

I am not going to go into any other details re these events but I will mention some of the consequences I have had to work through. I thank God that despite all of this rubbish filtering into my soul during my childhood...I did not become sexually promiscuous which often happens with abuse.....I believe wholeheartedly that God brought Chris into my life at age 18 to prevent me going down that road....even though neither of us were Christians at that time.

SB the pastor of our church recently did a series of sermons and one of the topics he covered was "sex"...he stated quite freely that sex had got better with his wife over the years than what it was in the beginning. I believe that Chris and I would say the same and as God has brought deeper and deeper healing to me then I can certainly say it is much better....My lovely daughter will be cringing now I know...when the kids were younger we referred to mummy and daddys sex life as
"swinging from the chandeliers.!!"..ask her about it and she will likely swot you one.

But...I do still carry scars from all that has happened...none of which directly affect sex.!!! It is weird I know but as I have continued to seek healing over the years I have come to terms with the "scars" and have accommodated them. You may ask ..why dont you keep on asking..keep on seeking.....keep on .....but I have reached the stage in this last 3-4 years where I am not going to carry on digging around. Its a bit like surgery or an accident....especially if left with a scar or a limp etc...you just adapt and as time goes by it loses its importance. I want to spend my time concentrating on enjoying ALL that God has done rather on thinking about what He maybe hasnt yet done. He may well in time to come .....change that in me but for the moment I am at peace.

Consequences such as ..Beds ..Doors...Bodies....Sleeping.....I know..you are thinking ..what on earth is she wittering on about.??!!

Beds...When we go away we now choose to book a hotel rather than stay in other peoples houses...It sounds a bit silly but unless I know the bedroom is private and has its own bathroom etc I wont sleep well...
Doors..I have to sleep facing the door.....this has caused much hilarity over the years with us moving beds all over the place so I can sleep well....when we book a holiday cottage ..its the first thing I do is sort the bed and move it if needed...
Bodies....cant sleep with anyone other than Chris (not that I would ever want to anyway)....gave up trying to share beds with girlfriends over the years at conferences etc...I have a funny story to tell about one Spring Harvest when mistake meant I had to sleep in a double bed with a friend for one night.!!,,and forget stuff like sleeping on bed sofas in other folks living rooms .
Sleeping.... I must have loose and light covers on ..nothing tucked in and all my nighties must be floor length and I cant sleep curled up into Chris....I am also a night owl and can delay going to bed till late.

This is interesting for me to revisit some of these "scars" I am so used to them that I dont often notice and have adapted them into my life.......and feel at ease about them...I guess everyone has various adaptions for many things in their lives.Any kind of trauma will carry some post traumatic consequences which can be so devastating that recovery is almost impossible...but we have a Great and Sovereign God for which the "impossible becomes possible" and over the years I have experienced that He has done much more than I could ask or imagine.

I will finish here by giving God praise...and glory and blessing and honour..Psalm 18 says it all...let me share some of the truths here

"The Lord is my rock...my fortress...my stronghold...He is my shield ...In my distress I called to the Lord ...I cried to the Lord for help...He reached down from on high and took hold of me and drew me out of deep waters...He brought me out into a spacious place and He rescued me because He delighted in me. The Lord lives.!! Praise be to my rock. Exalted be my God my saviour."

May God bless you ...