Monday 16th March SCARS

I am deeply grateful for your comments....and emails....and knowing you are walking with me on this journey makes it less lonely. I am also grateful for RB and her blog..so often something of what she shares will prompt me or bless me or encourage me. There is a link on her blog to a podcast with Mark Batterson talking about "Scars" and it just confirmed in me what I was going to share in this entry.

Mark shares from Psalm 107 ...."let the redeemed of the Lord say this"...or "tell their story" and encourages transparency in our lives.He says that "transparency breeds transparency "..as it will open up the way for healing . My prayer is that as you journey with me in my transparency that you also will know both transparency and healing.He also talks about foundations....and if the foundations in our lives through childhood and early life are faulty than the "building" will never be secure.

I remember 20 years ago in the excitement of laying the foundations for the new Kerith Centre we were all appalled to discover that the foundations were wrong and we had to dig them out and redo them ...the architect was almost crying as were we all as it took time and money to do....but we knew the 1000 seater church would never be fit for purpose if we didnt fix it .!!

When I became a Christian I soon realised that the foundations of my life were well and truly wrong and that I was definitely not fit for purpose and so a complete re-modelling was required for me to be the woman that God had originally planned me to be. I like to use the analogy of surgery...so much of my walk towards wholeness has been as if God has had to "operate" on me.!! He has cut out of me the anger...the hurt...the guilt...the shame....the bitterness....the humiliation....the fear....the loneliness..the insecurity....the inability to trust...to love...to believe.....He has fought a long and hard battle with my inability to accept His Love.....and I can stand firm and fulfil the scripture from Psalm 107

LET THE REDEEMED OF THE LORD TELL THEIR STORY.

If you follow my analogy re surgery...you will understand when I say that each time I allowed God to touch the painful times of my childhood.....it opened up a wound I had just ignored that over time had become infected....it took time to bathe the wound...cut back the infected parts...maybe inject some painkillers or antibiotics...and then some stitching was required and inevitably although those wounds are 100% healed they have left SCARS....are you still with me???

Each episode of abuse had to be dealt with seperately...each person who had wrongly touched me had to be forgiven (sometimes over and over again as different memories were uncovered) ....each and every last piece of anger..shame...fear...guilt....humiliation....despair....every negative aspect of my spirit that was lying crushed deep inside had to be washed in the blood of Jesus Christ.....I am not talking "day surgery" or "outpatient clinic " here I am talking "intensive care"...Friends who walked with me during some of my darkest days will tell you of the many times I almost gave up.....ask Chris...he refused to give up on me....if you were one of those friends who stood by me...THANK YOU.....

There were also times when I just had to "discharge myself against medical advice"...dont you love my analogy.!! In the midst of all of this I had a marriage...3 children ...life....I couldnt deal with it all in one burst of spiritual hospitalisation....perhaps that is why I said at the beginning of this blog that it has taken me many years...this wasnt because I stopped believing God could heal me...or I was being disobedient...or avoiding letting God into my life..it was twofold...

Firstly ....I needed to be Irene...wife... mother ...friend..I needed to serve in church...be part of the school run and cheer my kids on in their football and gymnastics. Secondly I needed time to recover and let the wounds heal over....some of the wounds were easier to deal with ..some were extensive and some were downright hard work and kept re-opening and getting re-infected.

One of the reasons I wanted to share this blog with folk is that I misunderstood the process of healing....for a very long time I assumed God would also take away the scar tissue...some divine plastic and cosmetic surgery would leave me with an unblemished skin.....but anyone who has had any kind of surgery will know there is always a scar..even the most precise surgeon will always still leave a mark..I love the story from scripture of Jacob..who wrestled with God....and was left with a limp (Genesis 32 )I like to think I have wrestled with God and even said to him ..."I wont let go until you bless me "(heal me) and the scars I still have are not something to be ashamed off...or to keep seeking healing for..they are just a part of what God has done in me...I am comfortable with them...they no longer trouble me.

I hope I have made sense in this rambling..I hope the analogy hasnt been too obscure and you have understood what I have been trying to share with you. My next blog entry will be the part of the rollercoaster that is commonly called the loop the loop....so hang on tight and keep those knuckles tightened and whitened. Scream loud if you want off.!!