I cant sleep...so have decided to blog for a bit and ramble ..as you do at 12.20 am when sleep has disappeared and the telly has lost all promise of keeping my attention. Friendships are a funny old thing...there are loads of cliche type of sayings and the cringe inducing emails that go the rounds..(sorry to those who keep sending me them )...but all fall short of really explaining in a concrete and understandable way what friendships are all about.
I am not going to pretend that I have got it all sussed out ....all I know for sure is my life would be so much the poorer without the friends I have now and the friends I have known over the years.
Many years ago ..one of the lead elders of the church did a sermon on friendship and as part of his message he had us write down the names of 5 people who we would consider to be close friends. I was amazed that so many people found this a difficult task . Over the years I have been involved in several groups where friendships were on the discussion agendas and again have found it hard to see that many people would say they don't have close friends. Even today I know several women who would say that they don't have close friends.
My biggest fear is that if people really knew what I was like they wouldn't want to be my friend. I am basically a people pleaser...built into my spirit is a huge fear of abandonment and I guess if you have followed my blog you will know where that comes from.There are times I am in church and I look around and everyone seems to be in groups all talking and I feel alone....not lonely....just alone. One of the things I struggle with most in church settings is the part where they say "turn to person near you and say hello"...or "get up and go chat to someone you don't know" If you look around at that time my bum will probably still be planted on the chair.The saddest thing is that often no-one actually talks to me or comes over to me and I still feel alone...
Please don't feel sorry for me or tell me to "get a grip".I am being honest both with myself and with you. I have been making a huge effort to change this in myself and to shake off the feelings of "no one loves me" syndrome. Mainly because I know its not true.!!!!...But there are times when feelings obscure the facts.
I will blog more sensibly in next entry....and begin the trawl through the years and share about the amazing people who I have known as friends...and how my life has shaped the way I have related to them .Looking back...I can see I have made many mistakes and caused hurt to some friends and if at any time I have caused pain to anyone reading this I hope you will forgive me. My aim in blogging is to grow more...learn more...love more....understand more..
Mark ch 12 v 29-31 says this
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength . The second is this ....love your neighbour as yourself."
I read somewhere that it is impossible to "love your neighbour as yourself" when so many of us don't actually love ourselves.! My quest in the last year or so has been to learn to "love myself" and certainly this last few months as I have kept this blog it has been an ongoing search deep within to allow God to show me how loved I am by Him and in doing this I am coming into a new revelation that I am actually quite lovable. How cool is that?!!
Shadow Of Victory
Saturday, 20 June 2009
Monday, 15 June 2009
JUNE 15th Friendships
Well....here we go with this "thorn". I am going to go way back and remind you that for many years I didn't live in same place ...If you remember my parents split up..got back together..split up ...and on and on....I was in and out of children's homes and went to many different schools until I was 12 years old.
This in itself prevented me from making lasting friendships and I was always the "new girl" in class or the "new kid on the block" which could have gone two ways...either I would be excruciatingly shy or I would be very bolshie.!! There is no prize for guessing which way I went . Having said that ...I was also quite a nice little girl...very pretty and intelligent and able to communicate well.. Teachers liked me and that made it easier for me to fit in. Strange to think that I may have been the only youngster in the world who loved school...at school I was treated well...food was plentiful..in those days poor families got free meals and as I was bright the teachers would ask me to help them with the little ones.
I have one friend who has lasted the test of time...we met on my first day at primary school...we were both 5 and altho she lives in Amsterdam and I haven't seen her in decades we have always kept in touch . She knows all my bad history and some we shared as we grew up....we still have the kind of friendship that if she lived in Britain I know we would still be in each others lives. There is something about shared history which binds people together.
I hesitate to even put into writing this next part but again I am attempting to be open..honest..vulnerable and trusting that "writing is my best chance of happiness". After my mum left me...and I went to live with my dad I went to an excellent school...it was the Scottish equivalent of a Grammar school...and I just didn't fit in....I was academically capable but the social strata was way above me...these kids had bedrooms to themselves...rather than sharing one bedroom with a dad and 2 brothers ...They had bathrooms rather than a toilet and a visit to public baths on a Tuesday evening. They had washing machines rather than a weekly trip to launderette.Their parents came to open evenings whilst my dad had to work .My worst ever nightmare was wearing the second hand school uniform and realising the name tape in one of the garments was the girl in my class and she recognised it.
Bullying wasn't really recognised as a problem in those days ...we were still in the era where teachers were law and the "belt" was given as punishment for bad behaviour and what Sir said..we did. I wish I could perhaps gain some sympathy from you by saying I was bullied but I am ashamed to admit that it was me who was the bully. It is a sad and awful episode in my friendship thorn and one I am deeply grateful to know that God has forgiven me and the girl in question has too.(I was able to ask her forgiveness about 17 years ago). This girl J had everything...she was an only child with loving parents she had a gorgeous pink room all to herself..she went horse riding...and she went ski-ing...and she was pretty with blue eyes and hair to die for...She was very popular and friendly and a genuinely lovely person. J took me under her wing and I found myself in the inner circle..invited for tea...parties...but always feeling as if I was on the outside looking in. I couldn't return the invites I was far too ashamed of my dads house and the life I had led.
After several months I began to bully J in a very subtle way...I never physically touched her but began to torment her in class when no-one was looking. I would take her book or pen and not let her have it back.I would tear up her homework and bin it. I would drop her school bag down the loo......AAAGGGHHHHHH...... I was awful and I am sure a child therapist would dress this all up in some way to excuse my behaviour. but all I know is I was a nasty horrible bully to this poor girl who didn't deserve to be treated like this no matter what kind of background I came from. Even worse J continued to befriend me for the best part of a year until her parents found out and I was called to the headmasters office with my dad...the one and only time my dad ever came to the school. I was asked to leave !! only it was dressed up as "perhaps it would be better to move Irene to a school nearer to your home and where she will find it easier to fit in with her brother being there too." Translation ...was simply that they didn't want my sort at their school and the one nearer my home was an ordinary secondary school with the same "type" of children as me...ie those with no bathroom and no bedroom of their own.
So there I was...transferred to yet another school and once again the new girl...I never really fitted in at this school as all the kids had been there for a year already and their friendships were established with many of them being continuations from primary school and so I danced around on the outskirts of every group having the crumbs of everyone else's "best friends " Maybe its only girls who know this but having a "best friend" was the only thing needed in adolescence..everything else goes by the wayside.I never had my own best friend but seemed to share other peoples who for a season would be mine before filtering off to better buddies.I don't keep in touch with any of my secondary school friends as the roots of life didn't go deep enough and I had some very embarrassing emails from Friends Reunited before I gave up as so many of them said the "didn't remember me at all" How sad is that then.!!!
Despite this chequered school life I did well and left school at 16 with 6 good academic O levels (sadly I was not given the choice to stay on for Highers...the Scottish equivalent of A levels ) and thus began a whole new chapter for me in the realm of relationships.Being at work is a whole different ball game from school and socially I was able to make my own circle of friends..more of which next time .I am eternally grateful that God is in the business of teaching us about relationships... He is the author and perfecter of relationships...He is the initiator of relationships in that He gave His precious son Jesus so that I might enter into a loving relationship with Him as Abba father....I had much to learn and He so graciously taught me ...but there was still a long journey to take ...I hope you will continue to walk this with me.
This in itself prevented me from making lasting friendships and I was always the "new girl" in class or the "new kid on the block" which could have gone two ways...either I would be excruciatingly shy or I would be very bolshie.!! There is no prize for guessing which way I went . Having said that ...I was also quite a nice little girl...very pretty and intelligent and able to communicate well.. Teachers liked me and that made it easier for me to fit in. Strange to think that I may have been the only youngster in the world who loved school...at school I was treated well...food was plentiful..in those days poor families got free meals and as I was bright the teachers would ask me to help them with the little ones.
I have one friend who has lasted the test of time...we met on my first day at primary school...we were both 5 and altho she lives in Amsterdam and I haven't seen her in decades we have always kept in touch . She knows all my bad history and some we shared as we grew up....we still have the kind of friendship that if she lived in Britain I know we would still be in each others lives. There is something about shared history which binds people together.
I hesitate to even put into writing this next part but again I am attempting to be open..honest..vulnerable and trusting that "writing is my best chance of happiness". After my mum left me...and I went to live with my dad I went to an excellent school...it was the Scottish equivalent of a Grammar school...and I just didn't fit in....I was academically capable but the social strata was way above me...these kids had bedrooms to themselves...rather than sharing one bedroom with a dad and 2 brothers ...They had bathrooms rather than a toilet and a visit to public baths on a Tuesday evening. They had washing machines rather than a weekly trip to launderette.Their parents came to open evenings whilst my dad had to work .My worst ever nightmare was wearing the second hand school uniform and realising the name tape in one of the garments was the girl in my class and she recognised it.
Bullying wasn't really recognised as a problem in those days ...we were still in the era where teachers were law and the "belt" was given as punishment for bad behaviour and what Sir said..we did. I wish I could perhaps gain some sympathy from you by saying I was bullied but I am ashamed to admit that it was me who was the bully. It is a sad and awful episode in my friendship thorn and one I am deeply grateful to know that God has forgiven me and the girl in question has too.(I was able to ask her forgiveness about 17 years ago). This girl J had everything...she was an only child with loving parents she had a gorgeous pink room all to herself..she went horse riding...and she went ski-ing...and she was pretty with blue eyes and hair to die for...She was very popular and friendly and a genuinely lovely person. J took me under her wing and I found myself in the inner circle..invited for tea...parties...but always feeling as if I was on the outside looking in. I couldn't return the invites I was far too ashamed of my dads house and the life I had led.
After several months I began to bully J in a very subtle way...I never physically touched her but began to torment her in class when no-one was looking. I would take her book or pen and not let her have it back.I would tear up her homework and bin it. I would drop her school bag down the loo......AAAGGGHHHHHH...... I was awful and I am sure a child therapist would dress this all up in some way to excuse my behaviour. but all I know is I was a nasty horrible bully to this poor girl who didn't deserve to be treated like this no matter what kind of background I came from. Even worse J continued to befriend me for the best part of a year until her parents found out and I was called to the headmasters office with my dad...the one and only time my dad ever came to the school. I was asked to leave !! only it was dressed up as "perhaps it would be better to move Irene to a school nearer to your home and where she will find it easier to fit in with her brother being there too." Translation ...was simply that they didn't want my sort at their school and the one nearer my home was an ordinary secondary school with the same "type" of children as me...ie those with no bathroom and no bedroom of their own.
So there I was...transferred to yet another school and once again the new girl...I never really fitted in at this school as all the kids had been there for a year already and their friendships were established with many of them being continuations from primary school and so I danced around on the outskirts of every group having the crumbs of everyone else's "best friends " Maybe its only girls who know this but having a "best friend" was the only thing needed in adolescence..everything else goes by the wayside.I never had my own best friend but seemed to share other peoples who for a season would be mine before filtering off to better buddies.I don't keep in touch with any of my secondary school friends as the roots of life didn't go deep enough and I had some very embarrassing emails from Friends Reunited before I gave up as so many of them said the "didn't remember me at all" How sad is that then.!!!
Despite this chequered school life I did well and left school at 16 with 6 good academic O levels (sadly I was not given the choice to stay on for Highers...the Scottish equivalent of A levels ) and thus began a whole new chapter for me in the realm of relationships.Being at work is a whole different ball game from school and socially I was able to make my own circle of friends..more of which next time .I am eternally grateful that God is in the business of teaching us about relationships... He is the author and perfecter of relationships...He is the initiator of relationships in that He gave His precious son Jesus so that I might enter into a loving relationship with Him as Abba father....I had much to learn and He so graciously taught me ...but there was still a long journey to take ...I hope you will continue to walk this with me.
Tuesday, 2 June 2009
Tuesday 2nd June...Moving on
Its been a while since I last blogged and I was asking myself why?..and I realised that the next "thorn " I want to tackle is about "friendships and relationships" and to be honest this is a really hard topic for me to open up as I have made so many mistakes and caused much hurt over the years as well as also being hurt. Subconsciously I think I was avoiding the issue big time and letting the busyness of life be my excuse.
Having had two extremely busy weekends at my parents -in -laws 60th wedding celebration and then at Cherish women's conference I found myself with no excuse and had decided to move on.....only to spend hours weeping in the early hours of this morning over "stuff". I will be very honest and say that I haven't cried tears like that for many a long year ...my poor hubby didn't know whether to hug me...pray for me...get me tissues or what.!!!...and in my continuing quest to be honest and open in this blog ....I also found my thoughts turn to suicide ...albeit for only a few seconds but this shocked me (and Chris) as it has been a very long time since these thoughts invaded my mind.
Please don't panic ....I am not about to do anything...but I am reaching high in the vulnerability stakes here in the sure knowledge that "writing is my best chance of happiness"...I wonder how many of us have these fleeting thoughts but are too ashamed..embarrassed....to admit to ourselves that there are times when "stuff" just overwhelms us and the load gets too heavy to carry alone. The enemy would keep us locked into our silences and dress us up with the "I am fine" response when friends ask .I believe fully that verbalising (or blogging) such thoughts takes away the power of them...its the secrecy and the shame that gives such thoughts the ability to damage and even as I have spent a few minutes telling you this I know they have lost their hold over me. Revelations ch 12 v 11 says this "they overcame him.(the enemy) by the blood of the lamb and by the word of their testimony"
Being able to share such things with you..... isn't this the very essence of friendship...the very infra-structure of relationships is that "we carry one anothers burdens"...there are some great scriptures .
A friend loves at all times
There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Greater love has no man than he lays down his life for his friend.
And there are so many of these emails that go round that have all sorts of "twee" friendship mottos and words..(NB ...I very rarely open or pass these on....sorry.)...but in reality friendships can be a source of great joy...great fun....but can also bring pain and hurt altho I would hope as adults that we never set out to cause pain and hurt but as we are all broken human beings it is only to be expected that we sometimes will hurt and be hurt.
One of life's mottos I have come to understand is the one that says.
Some friends we have for a reason
Some friends we have for a season
Some friends we have for life
and as I blog my way through this subject I am hoping to unpack this in my life. I want to say quite clearly at the outset that any examples or stories I may use will be based on many different people...so don't go looking for yourself.!!!...If I have a specific person in mind I will name them by initials but please don't pick up on anything and wonder if its you...I will be going back decades and I haven't known you all for that long ...Hee Hee
While away at Cherish one of the speakers "got up my nose"...and I found myself wondering why...and began to realise there was still "stuff" floating about within my spirit and yet another layer of self realisation was surfacing. This was in some way confirmed by several comments that were made that set me thinking and praying and asking God for revelation. A very wise man who I love and respect much used to say.."when comments are made...even in jest..ask God if there is a nugget of truth there that He wants you to deal with" and so I think this was one of the main reasons why the tears came with such force...the "nuggets" did contain some truth and I didn't like it...one little bit.!!..but we all know so well that it is "truth that sets us free" and as I blog my way through this subject I know that I will gain a greater level of freedom.
Please continue to walk with me and share your own feelings and thoughts ......
Having had two extremely busy weekends at my parents -in -laws 60th wedding celebration and then at Cherish women's conference I found myself with no excuse and had decided to move on.....only to spend hours weeping in the early hours of this morning over "stuff". I will be very honest and say that I haven't cried tears like that for many a long year ...my poor hubby didn't know whether to hug me...pray for me...get me tissues or what.!!!...and in my continuing quest to be honest and open in this blog ....I also found my thoughts turn to suicide ...albeit for only a few seconds but this shocked me (and Chris) as it has been a very long time since these thoughts invaded my mind.
Please don't panic ....I am not about to do anything...but I am reaching high in the vulnerability stakes here in the sure knowledge that "writing is my best chance of happiness"...I wonder how many of us have these fleeting thoughts but are too ashamed..embarrassed....to admit to ourselves that there are times when "stuff" just overwhelms us and the load gets too heavy to carry alone. The enemy would keep us locked into our silences and dress us up with the "I am fine" response when friends ask .I believe fully that verbalising (or blogging) such thoughts takes away the power of them...its the secrecy and the shame that gives such thoughts the ability to damage and even as I have spent a few minutes telling you this I know they have lost their hold over me. Revelations ch 12 v 11 says this "they overcame him.(the enemy) by the blood of the lamb and by the word of their testimony"
Being able to share such things with you..... isn't this the very essence of friendship...the very infra-structure of relationships is that "we carry one anothers burdens"...there are some great scriptures .
A friend loves at all times
There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Greater love has no man than he lays down his life for his friend.
And there are so many of these emails that go round that have all sorts of "twee" friendship mottos and words..(NB ...I very rarely open or pass these on....sorry.)...but in reality friendships can be a source of great joy...great fun....but can also bring pain and hurt altho I would hope as adults that we never set out to cause pain and hurt but as we are all broken human beings it is only to be expected that we sometimes will hurt and be hurt.
One of life's mottos I have come to understand is the one that says.
Some friends we have for a reason
Some friends we have for a season
Some friends we have for life
and as I blog my way through this subject I am hoping to unpack this in my life. I want to say quite clearly at the outset that any examples or stories I may use will be based on many different people...so don't go looking for yourself.!!!...If I have a specific person in mind I will name them by initials but please don't pick up on anything and wonder if its you...I will be going back decades and I haven't known you all for that long ...Hee Hee
While away at Cherish one of the speakers "got up my nose"...and I found myself wondering why...and began to realise there was still "stuff" floating about within my spirit and yet another layer of self realisation was surfacing. This was in some way confirmed by several comments that were made that set me thinking and praying and asking God for revelation. A very wise man who I love and respect much used to say.."when comments are made...even in jest..ask God if there is a nugget of truth there that He wants you to deal with" and so I think this was one of the main reasons why the tears came with such force...the "nuggets" did contain some truth and I didn't like it...one little bit.!!..but we all know so well that it is "truth that sets us free" and as I blog my way through this subject I know that I will gain a greater level of freedom.
Please continue to walk with me and share your own feelings and thoughts ......
Monday, 11 May 2009
Monday 11th May.. Last Look
I wanted to leave you all with a photograph of my brother Robert...but had to wait till Chris got home from Milan...I am sooooooo not a techie.!!!
Anyway...I hope this last glimpse of Robert will leave you with joy in your spirit.It was taken professionally by the drama club as part of their publicity for a play called The Gazebo...in which Robert had a good part. This picture was displayed in the foyer of the theatre in Edinburgh and was also used in the newspaper as his obituary photo as it was the most recent and decent we had of him.
Robert was far more than this photo and far more than my blog entries...he was amazing and I loved him.....and miss him still.
Saturday, 9 May 2009
Saturday 9th May Final Reflections
I started this week sharing about my brother Robert...who he was...and how he affected my life and as I have continued to reflect on him and memories have risen I have so enjoyed this time of writing. It may sound weird but no-one in my present day life knew him..Robert died before I met Chris and none of the friends I have past or present ...ever met him either so he has rarely come up in conversation and lets face it "suicide" isn't the best after dinner topic. He sadly became known as "my brother who committed suicide" and he was way more than that .
Sharing him with you has been hugely rewarding for me and brought back a store of happy times that I had forgotten existed and has brought me to a place of peace and even joy. I still stand by the statement "writing is my best chance of happiness" and certainly this week has been a happy week for me.
In the midst of this strange sense of peace there has also been a surge of memories that haven't been so good.Roberts death wasn't the only suicide in my family...I have an uncle who committed suicide and my half brother also committed suicide and for many years I felt tainted by these events. I would dream of death...I would plan funerals...if any of my children were late home or I didn't know where they were I would picture death scenarios. I lived with the constant fear that I would lose Chris to some horrific accident and I never worried about losing him to another woman it was a motorway pile up or a hit and run.I would hear a phone or the doorbell ring late at night and be convinced a police man would be at the door bearing bad news.
I cant close this chapter of the blog without being 100% honest .!! Referring to the scripture from Deuteronomy ch 30....there have been times in my life where I have been faced with the choices as set out here...Life and Death...before I became a christian I thought about suicide many times ....long before my brothers suicide impacted me ....and although I didn't know God nor the scriptures somehow or other I kept choosing "life "
I would like to say (because it sounds a lot better )..that I have never thought about suicide since becoming a christian but it wouldn't be true. As I began to seek God for my healing and restoration there were times when memories surfaced that were so incredibly painful that I honestly thought death would be easier...and I had to constantly make the choice...LIFE ..LIFE...LIFE...I would drive along the road and be thinking "that tree...I could drive into it..." or I would look at tablets and think..."how many??". I would take stock then and think about how this would affect Chris and my children,,and I could NEVER leave that legacy in their spirits... and so deep in my spirit I would draw on the knowledge that Jesus could ...and would ....and did rescue me
PSALM 18 V 4-6
The cords of death entangled me;the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me.In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice;my cry came before him into his ears.
Please read the rest of this psalm to know how God will rescue those who are entangled up in "death" and He will rescue each of us. I am deeply and passionately grateful to God who provided me with a safe place and in the same way that I have been honest about my past thoughts about suicide I can truly say it has been a very ...very..very long time since I had these thoughts . ..God can and does deliver His children from such dark torments
And finally...the ever unanswered question of WHY....Robert had left no note..no diary..no final last word ...we were all left with this searing loss and no understanding...no resolution ...no closure. For many years I carried the unresolved pain of his death.. the constant replay of incidents trying to find a clue...a word spoken in anger ..a trigger that would have caused it...the terrible thought that perhaps it was MY fault. I know we all suffered badly due to the breakdown of our family...I know Robert was an extremely vulnerable and sensitive young boy..I know he chose to work and pursue a career with the the poor and socially deprived...I know he carried unexpressed pain that he shared with no-one and covered it up with humour and good works. Mixed in with all of this is also the underlying mystery of "is he in hell?? was he saved?? ...did God have mercy on him at the final breath?" I could speculate and debate endlessly but it wouldn't answer the questions nor would it bring me any closer to understanding and so all I am left with is God and his word.
1 Corinthians ch 13 v 12
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully ,even as I am known fully
Perhaps one day....when Jesus is fully known and fully revealed to all mankind I may know the answers but until that day I have the amazing assurance that God is sovereign...and that's enough for me.
Sharing him with you has been hugely rewarding for me and brought back a store of happy times that I had forgotten existed and has brought me to a place of peace and even joy. I still stand by the statement "writing is my best chance of happiness" and certainly this week has been a happy week for me.
In the midst of this strange sense of peace there has also been a surge of memories that haven't been so good.Roberts death wasn't the only suicide in my family...I have an uncle who committed suicide and my half brother also committed suicide and for many years I felt tainted by these events. I would dream of death...I would plan funerals...if any of my children were late home or I didn't know where they were I would picture death scenarios. I lived with the constant fear that I would lose Chris to some horrific accident and I never worried about losing him to another woman it was a motorway pile up or a hit and run.I would hear a phone or the doorbell ring late at night and be convinced a police man would be at the door bearing bad news.
I cant close this chapter of the blog without being 100% honest .!! Referring to the scripture from Deuteronomy ch 30....there have been times in my life where I have been faced with the choices as set out here...Life and Death...before I became a christian I thought about suicide many times ....long before my brothers suicide impacted me ....and although I didn't know God nor the scriptures somehow or other I kept choosing "life "
I would like to say (because it sounds a lot better )..that I have never thought about suicide since becoming a christian but it wouldn't be true. As I began to seek God for my healing and restoration there were times when memories surfaced that were so incredibly painful that I honestly thought death would be easier...and I had to constantly make the choice...LIFE ..LIFE...LIFE...I would drive along the road and be thinking "that tree...I could drive into it..." or I would look at tablets and think..."how many??". I would take stock then and think about how this would affect Chris and my children,,and I could NEVER leave that legacy in their spirits... and so deep in my spirit I would draw on the knowledge that Jesus could ...and would ....and did rescue me
PSALM 18 V 4-6
The cords of death entangled me;the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me.In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice;my cry came before him into his ears.
Please read the rest of this psalm to know how God will rescue those who are entangled up in "death" and He will rescue each of us. I am deeply and passionately grateful to God who provided me with a safe place and in the same way that I have been honest about my past thoughts about suicide I can truly say it has been a very ...very..very long time since I had these thoughts . ..God can and does deliver His children from such dark torments
And finally...the ever unanswered question of WHY....Robert had left no note..no diary..no final last word ...we were all left with this searing loss and no understanding...no resolution ...no closure. For many years I carried the unresolved pain of his death.. the constant replay of incidents trying to find a clue...a word spoken in anger ..a trigger that would have caused it...the terrible thought that perhaps it was MY fault. I know we all suffered badly due to the breakdown of our family...I know Robert was an extremely vulnerable and sensitive young boy..I know he chose to work and pursue a career with the the poor and socially deprived...I know he carried unexpressed pain that he shared with no-one and covered it up with humour and good works. Mixed in with all of this is also the underlying mystery of "is he in hell?? was he saved?? ...did God have mercy on him at the final breath?" I could speculate and debate endlessly but it wouldn't answer the questions nor would it bring me any closer to understanding and so all I am left with is God and his word.
1 Corinthians ch 13 v 12
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully ,even as I am known fully
Perhaps one day....when Jesus is fully known and fully revealed to all mankind I may know the answers but until that day I have the amazing assurance that God is sovereign...and that's enough for me.
Thursday, 7 May 2009
Thursday 7th May. After Effects
I seem to be on a bit of a roll...with Chris away and time hanging on my hands after work I am disoriented and this seems as good a task as any...altho cleaning the living room may be a sensible one to tackle after I blog.
After the intense grief of the first few months after Roberts death I can look back now and see many aspects of that time went into forging my future character. Those of you who know me well may agree with some of the following traits which I assimilated as I matured.I spoke with a friend today and shared that I am ...in many ways...very like my brother Robert and perhaps he had left a small legacy within me during the three very short years that we had shared closely.
Robert had a real heart to serve the underprivileged..the poor...the sad and lonely...he was immense fun and had a great sense of humour....he liked to ensure everyone was happy and included.....he seemed quite loud and popular but most of the time he was lacking in confidence and used his humour to create acceptance. Robert was loyal and loved ferociously and altho he had a lot of acquaintances he had few close friends and those he did have he loved unconditionally. Robert lived for his dad and his brother and I like to think ...for me...as well and his favourite activity was making us laugh or sitting watching telly together especially if it was Monty Python or Rowan and Martins Laugh-in. Robert hid his pain ...his hurt..his feelings of rejection ..his need to be mothered...hid it so well from everyone in the latter part of his life. He didn't seek any help nor did he talk to anyone about his trauma and my one regret in this story was that he reached a stage in his life when he believed no-one would care if he lived or died . How wrong he was.The after effects that reverberate in the lives of family and friends when someone commits suicide are incredibly destructive quite simply because no-one can answer the question WHY??
Perhaps you may recognise some similarity in my life to that of my brother Robert...I like to think that some of the positive aspects of my personality and areas I am involved in were influenced..perhaps subconsciously..by his life and that my deep love of "Family" came as a result of what I experienced during that time .
Sadly I can also see some destructive elements that were by-products of the after effects of Roberts death....and these served to mould in me some tough strongholds which have taken many years to break down. I know even as I write this blog that there may still be some rubble to sift through and a deeper level of healing achieved.
One of the strongest emotions that gained a foothold in my spirit at that time was that I was "excluded"...and linked with the feelings of abandonment which already were buried deep in my spirit and you get an adult that all too easily felt hurt and rejected in the smallest of things. In a few short years my mum had left me ..my sister had left me ..my brother had left me ...and now another brother had left me in an all too cruel way..and then my dad and other brother had pulled up the drawbridge of the family and metaphorically left me ...outside in the cold. Even today almost 40 years on I will pull up my own drawbridge and voluntarily "exclude " myself from a painful or troubling situation..altho I am learning to share more easily that I am not coping and need help.
I recently shared I had completed the Strength Finders profile and my main strength was concluded as CONNECTEDNESS...and I hadn't felt prompted by the explanation of this one at all...but in last few days as I have used this blog to reflect...I realise that I am driven by the characteristics of this Strength...let me paraphrase some of them here.
*things happen for a reason..you are sure of it..we are all connected ..part of something larger...you gain confidence from knowing we are not isolated from one another.
*bridge builder for different people groups..caring ...considerate..
*give others comfort...certain there is a purpose behind our lives.
*faith is strong and sustains in the face of life's mysteries.
*likely to have social issues you will defend strongly
*naturally thinks about how people can get connected and can be a team builder
*can develop mission and likes to feel a part of something bigger than themselves
Again those who know me well will know how I like to organise and encourage and take charge.!!!....In the light of my determination to be as honest and transparent as possible...let me share with you one of my ongoing struggles... it is one I am working on with all diligence and asking God for grace to overcome and it may seem a smallish thing to confess but it can cause me enormous stress ....I really struggle with "not knowing "...and I can trace this right back to this period in my life...I like to know what is going on...if there is a decision to be made...I need to know what it is...I feel left out and want to know why I wasnt told ..(even if it is nothing to do with me !!)..if some friends have a gathering and I am not there I feel neglected....if I find out about something third hand I wonder why I wasn't told first...I like to feel in control and struggle big time with not having full knowledge to do a task...especially if I don't do it well and I am criticised for it.
YIKES....now you know....and don't all rush off ensuring that I am always told or always invited..it is an area where I am winning and only rarely have a struggle with .Tomorrow I will finish this chapter with a final reflection on Roberts death and look at the how I came to a place of acceptance and why the question WHY no longer haunts me
Deuteronomy Ch 30 v 19-20
This day I have called heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you LIFE and DEATH, blessings and curses. Now choose LIFE..so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God ,listen to his voice and hold fast to Him. For the Lord is your LIFE and He will give you many years in the land He swore to your fathers Abraham,Isaac and Jacob.
After the intense grief of the first few months after Roberts death I can look back now and see many aspects of that time went into forging my future character. Those of you who know me well may agree with some of the following traits which I assimilated as I matured.I spoke with a friend today and shared that I am ...in many ways...very like my brother Robert and perhaps he had left a small legacy within me during the three very short years that we had shared closely.
Robert had a real heart to serve the underprivileged..the poor...the sad and lonely...he was immense fun and had a great sense of humour....he liked to ensure everyone was happy and included.....he seemed quite loud and popular but most of the time he was lacking in confidence and used his humour to create acceptance. Robert was loyal and loved ferociously and altho he had a lot of acquaintances he had few close friends and those he did have he loved unconditionally. Robert lived for his dad and his brother and I like to think ...for me...as well and his favourite activity was making us laugh or sitting watching telly together especially if it was Monty Python or Rowan and Martins Laugh-in. Robert hid his pain ...his hurt..his feelings of rejection ..his need to be mothered...hid it so well from everyone in the latter part of his life. He didn't seek any help nor did he talk to anyone about his trauma and my one regret in this story was that he reached a stage in his life when he believed no-one would care if he lived or died . How wrong he was.The after effects that reverberate in the lives of family and friends when someone commits suicide are incredibly destructive quite simply because no-one can answer the question WHY??
Perhaps you may recognise some similarity in my life to that of my brother Robert...I like to think that some of the positive aspects of my personality and areas I am involved in were influenced..perhaps subconsciously..by his life and that my deep love of "Family" came as a result of what I experienced during that time .
Sadly I can also see some destructive elements that were by-products of the after effects of Roberts death....and these served to mould in me some tough strongholds which have taken many years to break down. I know even as I write this blog that there may still be some rubble to sift through and a deeper level of healing achieved.
One of the strongest emotions that gained a foothold in my spirit at that time was that I was "excluded"...and linked with the feelings of abandonment which already were buried deep in my spirit and you get an adult that all too easily felt hurt and rejected in the smallest of things. In a few short years my mum had left me ..my sister had left me ..my brother had left me ...and now another brother had left me in an all too cruel way..and then my dad and other brother had pulled up the drawbridge of the family and metaphorically left me ...outside in the cold. Even today almost 40 years on I will pull up my own drawbridge and voluntarily "exclude " myself from a painful or troubling situation..altho I am learning to share more easily that I am not coping and need help.
I recently shared I had completed the Strength Finders profile and my main strength was concluded as CONNECTEDNESS...and I hadn't felt prompted by the explanation of this one at all...but in last few days as I have used this blog to reflect...I realise that I am driven by the characteristics of this Strength...let me paraphrase some of them here.
*things happen for a reason..you are sure of it..we are all connected ..part of something larger...you gain confidence from knowing we are not isolated from one another.
*bridge builder for different people groups..caring ...considerate..
*give others comfort...certain there is a purpose behind our lives.
*faith is strong and sustains in the face of life's mysteries.
*likely to have social issues you will defend strongly
*naturally thinks about how people can get connected and can be a team builder
*can develop mission and likes to feel a part of something bigger than themselves
Again those who know me well will know how I like to organise and encourage and take charge.!!!....In the light of my determination to be as honest and transparent as possible...let me share with you one of my ongoing struggles... it is one I am working on with all diligence and asking God for grace to overcome and it may seem a smallish thing to confess but it can cause me enormous stress ....I really struggle with "not knowing "...and I can trace this right back to this period in my life...I like to know what is going on...if there is a decision to be made...I need to know what it is...I feel left out and want to know why I wasnt told ..(even if it is nothing to do with me !!)..if some friends have a gathering and I am not there I feel neglected....if I find out about something third hand I wonder why I wasn't told first...I like to feel in control and struggle big time with not having full knowledge to do a task...especially if I don't do it well and I am criticised for it.
YIKES....now you know....and don't all rush off ensuring that I am always told or always invited..it is an area where I am winning and only rarely have a struggle with .Tomorrow I will finish this chapter with a final reflection on Roberts death and look at the how I came to a place of acceptance and why the question WHY no longer haunts me
Deuteronomy Ch 30 v 19-20
This day I have called heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you LIFE and DEATH, blessings and curses. Now choose LIFE..so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God ,listen to his voice and hold fast to Him. For the Lord is your LIFE and He will give you many years in the land He swore to your fathers Abraham,Isaac and Jacob.
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
Wednesday 6th May ; Way back Then
February 23rd 7pm 1971.
Life as I knew it came to an abrupt end..I came home from school at 3.30 pm as usual and at 7pm ...way past the time my dad and brother usually arrived home from work I was watching TV and the door opened and in walked my dad. He was followed by a policeman who helped him to sit down and then very calmly told me that Robert was dead. I looked at my dad who was white and in shock and waited for him to explain what the policeman had meant...what had happened..was it an accident..had his motorbike gone off the road ..was he in hospital....I remember an eerie silence as the policeman went to make a cup of tea ..thinking surely it was all a joke or a dream. Shortly after the door opened again and my other brother came in the door...he had ridden Roberts motorbike back from Dundee and was windswept and dirty.
The policeman gave us all some hot tea and then left...after telling my dad to come into the station in the morning.I sat ...in the silence and watched my dad weep...and when I say weep I don't mean the kind of crying that men sometimes do with a sniffle and a hanky quickly wiped over their faces....I mean deep gut wrenching ...soul destroying ....anguished moans from somewhere in the very depth of his being. You read in novels about this but I had never ever seen this..my dad was in some kind of emotional pain that was torture to watch. He was holding my brothers hand and the two of them were clinging to each other as if to anchor themselves before this hurricane of emotion which was sweeping them beyond endurance.
I was "outside " all this ...almost ignored....I still had no idea of what had happened and neither of them seemed able or interested in telling me.I left the room dry eyed and sat on the bed and waited ..not sure what I was waiting for but I knew I couldn't be in the same room as they were...I didn't belong there. Later that night my dad got very drunk and continued to cry and refused to eat or go to bed...until around midnight he fell asleep . We put him to bed and my brother and I sat looking at each other for over an hour before he could even begin to tell me what had happened.
Robert had gassed himself...he had fed the meter in his wee attic student flat and turned it on and lay down in front of it. His girlfriend F was home in Edinburgh for the weekend and it was obvious he had planned it so he wouldn't be discovered and in fact it turned out he had been dead for almost 3 days before his body was discovered. F had gone to the flat and when she couldn't get an answer had gone to the landlord who broke the door down.....and then rang the police and they had contacted Edinburgh to get a local policeman to find my dad. F knew where he worked and they had picked him and my brother up mid morning. They had taken them by car to Dundee by noon where they were asked to identify the body and of course fill in all sorts of forms.
No-one had thought to inform me or get me from school and this became the pattern over the following days....Dad made me go to school the following day whilst they went to police station..arranging for Roberts body to be moved to the mortuary in Dundee...I wasn't asked if I wanted to see him or say goodbye...I continued to go to school whilst they organised the funeral and then I was told I couldn't go to the funeral...I had to go to Galashiels and "sit " with Granny as she was too poorly to be left. (As an aside I "saw" Robert for years after that..in the street.on the bus..in shops...because I hadn't actually seen him..his body .. deep down I somehow or other didn't really believe he was dead.) The funeral came and went and large numbers of relatives and friends visited us and I heard later and saw a small paragraph in the Dundee paper that over 300 students had packed the chapel with many of them contributing to the service. In the short 6 months he had been attending the university he had impacted so many of the other students there.He was my brother and no-one allowed me to say goodbye or mourn him ...and I miss him even now. My mum didn't come to the funeral nor were my half brother or sister able to come over from Canada..it was as if my half of the family weren't a part of Roberts life.
My inner life changed during this period....I felt as if I didn't count..didn't matter...I remember sitting on the loo....saying to God.."if you really really exist please help me ". I was on the outside looking in and as time moved us beyond the initial grief and we began to function as a small family again I knew I wasn't part of it in the same way. My dad began to drink in a serious way and most nights he would go straight to the pub from work and then stagger home where he would stand in front of the fire and sing maudlin songs....Did I ever mention my dad had a cracking voice?? he could sing with the best of them and who knows in another life he could have been famous...he would stand and belt out "Oh Danny Boy " "The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot" "Climb Up On My Knee Sonny Boy" and a long held favourite "Nobodys Child". My worst ever moment in these days was waking up one night in the early hours and watching my dad sit on edge of his bed with tears dripping down his nose and I could just hear his voice saying over and over again "why him...why him...why not one of the others..why him" and as I went back to sleep I sensed this take root in my spirit ....which is altogether another area to explore in later blogs .
This is possibly one of my most painful blog entries but I fully believe that God heard my prayer at that time... altho it has taken years before I realised He had answered that prayer.....I know I couldn't possibly have survived this and other traumas without His unseen and unknown presence....keeping me alive and moving me towards Christ.It was two very short years before I was to first meet Chris and the destiny that God had for me would begin to unfold.
Jeremiah Ch 29 v 11....
"For I know the plans I have for you..plans to give you hope and a future.."
Life as I knew it came to an abrupt end..I came home from school at 3.30 pm as usual and at 7pm ...way past the time my dad and brother usually arrived home from work I was watching TV and the door opened and in walked my dad. He was followed by a policeman who helped him to sit down and then very calmly told me that Robert was dead. I looked at my dad who was white and in shock and waited for him to explain what the policeman had meant...what had happened..was it an accident..had his motorbike gone off the road ..was he in hospital....I remember an eerie silence as the policeman went to make a cup of tea ..thinking surely it was all a joke or a dream. Shortly after the door opened again and my other brother came in the door...he had ridden Roberts motorbike back from Dundee and was windswept and dirty.
The policeman gave us all some hot tea and then left...after telling my dad to come into the station in the morning.I sat ...in the silence and watched my dad weep...and when I say weep I don't mean the kind of crying that men sometimes do with a sniffle and a hanky quickly wiped over their faces....I mean deep gut wrenching ...soul destroying ....anguished moans from somewhere in the very depth of his being. You read in novels about this but I had never ever seen this..my dad was in some kind of emotional pain that was torture to watch. He was holding my brothers hand and the two of them were clinging to each other as if to anchor themselves before this hurricane of emotion which was sweeping them beyond endurance.
I was "outside " all this ...almost ignored....I still had no idea of what had happened and neither of them seemed able or interested in telling me.I left the room dry eyed and sat on the bed and waited ..not sure what I was waiting for but I knew I couldn't be in the same room as they were...I didn't belong there. Later that night my dad got very drunk and continued to cry and refused to eat or go to bed...until around midnight he fell asleep . We put him to bed and my brother and I sat looking at each other for over an hour before he could even begin to tell me what had happened.
Robert had gassed himself...he had fed the meter in his wee attic student flat and turned it on and lay down in front of it. His girlfriend F was home in Edinburgh for the weekend and it was obvious he had planned it so he wouldn't be discovered and in fact it turned out he had been dead for almost 3 days before his body was discovered. F had gone to the flat and when she couldn't get an answer had gone to the landlord who broke the door down.....and then rang the police and they had contacted Edinburgh to get a local policeman to find my dad. F knew where he worked and they had picked him and my brother up mid morning. They had taken them by car to Dundee by noon where they were asked to identify the body and of course fill in all sorts of forms.
No-one had thought to inform me or get me from school and this became the pattern over the following days....Dad made me go to school the following day whilst they went to police station..arranging for Roberts body to be moved to the mortuary in Dundee...I wasn't asked if I wanted to see him or say goodbye...I continued to go to school whilst they organised the funeral and then I was told I couldn't go to the funeral...I had to go to Galashiels and "sit " with Granny as she was too poorly to be left. (As an aside I "saw" Robert for years after that..in the street.on the bus..in shops...because I hadn't actually seen him..his body .. deep down I somehow or other didn't really believe he was dead.) The funeral came and went and large numbers of relatives and friends visited us and I heard later and saw a small paragraph in the Dundee paper that over 300 students had packed the chapel with many of them contributing to the service. In the short 6 months he had been attending the university he had impacted so many of the other students there.He was my brother and no-one allowed me to say goodbye or mourn him ...and I miss him even now. My mum didn't come to the funeral nor were my half brother or sister able to come over from Canada..it was as if my half of the family weren't a part of Roberts life.
My inner life changed during this period....I felt as if I didn't count..didn't matter...I remember sitting on the loo....saying to God.."if you really really exist please help me ". I was on the outside looking in and as time moved us beyond the initial grief and we began to function as a small family again I knew I wasn't part of it in the same way. My dad began to drink in a serious way and most nights he would go straight to the pub from work and then stagger home where he would stand in front of the fire and sing maudlin songs....Did I ever mention my dad had a cracking voice?? he could sing with the best of them and who knows in another life he could have been famous...he would stand and belt out "Oh Danny Boy " "The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot" "Climb Up On My Knee Sonny Boy" and a long held favourite "Nobodys Child". My worst ever moment in these days was waking up one night in the early hours and watching my dad sit on edge of his bed with tears dripping down his nose and I could just hear his voice saying over and over again "why him...why him...why not one of the others..why him" and as I went back to sleep I sensed this take root in my spirit ....which is altogether another area to explore in later blogs .
This is possibly one of my most painful blog entries but I fully believe that God heard my prayer at that time... altho it has taken years before I realised He had answered that prayer.....I know I couldn't possibly have survived this and other traumas without His unseen and unknown presence....keeping me alive and moving me towards Christ.It was two very short years before I was to first meet Chris and the destiny that God had for me would begin to unfold.
Jeremiah Ch 29 v 11....
"For I know the plans I have for you..plans to give you hope and a future.."
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