I seem to be on a bit of a roll...with Chris away and time hanging on my hands after work I am disoriented and this seems as good a task as any...altho cleaning the living room may be a sensible one to tackle after I blog.
After the intense grief of the first few months after Roberts death I can look back now and see many aspects of that time went into forging my future character. Those of you who know me well may agree with some of the following traits which I assimilated as I matured.I spoke with a friend today and shared that I am ...in many ways...very like my brother Robert and perhaps he had left a small legacy within me during the three very short years that we had shared closely.
Robert had a real heart to serve the underprivileged..the poor...the sad and lonely...he was immense fun and had a great sense of humour....he liked to ensure everyone was happy and included.....he seemed quite loud and popular but most of the time he was lacking in confidence and used his humour to create acceptance. Robert was loyal and loved ferociously and altho he had a lot of acquaintances he had few close friends and those he did have he loved unconditionally. Robert lived for his dad and his brother and I like to think ...for me...as well and his favourite activity was making us laugh or sitting watching telly together especially if it was Monty Python or Rowan and Martins Laugh-in. Robert hid his pain ...his hurt..his feelings of rejection ..his need to be mothered...hid it so well from everyone in the latter part of his life. He didn't seek any help nor did he talk to anyone about his trauma and my one regret in this story was that he reached a stage in his life when he believed no-one would care if he lived or died . How wrong he was.The after effects that reverberate in the lives of family and friends when someone commits suicide are incredibly destructive quite simply because no-one can answer the question WHY??
Perhaps you may recognise some similarity in my life to that of my brother Robert...I like to think that some of the positive aspects of my personality and areas I am involved in were influenced..perhaps subconsciously..by his life and that my deep love of "Family" came as a result of what I experienced during that time .
Sadly I can also see some destructive elements that were by-products of the after effects of Roberts death....and these served to mould in me some tough strongholds which have taken many years to break down. I know even as I write this blog that there may still be some rubble to sift through and a deeper level of healing achieved.
One of the strongest emotions that gained a foothold in my spirit at that time was that I was "excluded"...and linked with the feelings of abandonment which already were buried deep in my spirit and you get an adult that all too easily felt hurt and rejected in the smallest of things. In a few short years my mum had left me ..my sister had left me ..my brother had left me ...and now another brother had left me in an all too cruel way..and then my dad and other brother had pulled up the drawbridge of the family and metaphorically left me ...outside in the cold. Even today almost 40 years on I will pull up my own drawbridge and voluntarily "exclude " myself from a painful or troubling situation..altho I am learning to share more easily that I am not coping and need help.
I recently shared I had completed the Strength Finders profile and my main strength was concluded as CONNECTEDNESS...and I hadn't felt prompted by the explanation of this one at all...but in last few days as I have used this blog to reflect...I realise that I am driven by the characteristics of this Strength...let me paraphrase some of them here.
*things happen for a reason..you are sure of it..we are all connected ..part of something larger...you gain confidence from knowing we are not isolated from one another.
*bridge builder for different people groups..caring ...considerate..
*give others comfort...certain there is a purpose behind our lives.
*faith is strong and sustains in the face of life's mysteries.
*likely to have social issues you will defend strongly
*naturally thinks about how people can get connected and can be a team builder
*can develop mission and likes to feel a part of something bigger than themselves
Again those who know me well will know how I like to organise and encourage and take charge.!!!....In the light of my determination to be as honest and transparent as possible...let me share with you one of my ongoing struggles... it is one I am working on with all diligence and asking God for grace to overcome and it may seem a smallish thing to confess but it can cause me enormous stress ....I really struggle with "not knowing "...and I can trace this right back to this period in my life...I like to know what is going on...if there is a decision to be made...I need to know what it is...I feel left out and want to know why I wasnt told ..(even if it is nothing to do with me !!)..if some friends have a gathering and I am not there I feel neglected....if I find out about something third hand I wonder why I wasn't told first...I like to feel in control and struggle big time with not having full knowledge to do a task...especially if I don't do it well and I am criticised for it.
YIKES....now you know....and don't all rush off ensuring that I am always told or always invited..it is an area where I am winning and only rarely have a struggle with .Tomorrow I will finish this chapter with a final reflection on Roberts death and look at the how I came to a place of acceptance and why the question WHY no longer haunts me
Deuteronomy Ch 30 v 19-20
This day I have called heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you LIFE and DEATH, blessings and curses. Now choose LIFE..so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God ,listen to his voice and hold fast to Him. For the Lord is your LIFE and He will give you many years in the land He swore to your fathers Abraham,Isaac and Jacob.
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