Tuesday 2nd June...Moving on

Its been a while since I last blogged and I was asking myself why?..and I realised that the next "thorn " I want to tackle is about "friendships and relationships" and to be honest this is a really hard topic for me to open up as I have made so many mistakes and caused much hurt over the years as well as also being hurt. Subconsciously I think I was avoiding the issue big time and letting the busyness of life be my excuse.

Having had two extremely busy weekends at my parents -in -laws 60th wedding celebration and then at Cherish women's conference I found myself with no excuse and had decided to move on.....only to spend hours weeping in the early hours of this morning over "stuff". I will be very honest and say that I haven't cried tears like that for many a long year ...my poor hubby didn't know whether to hug me...pray for me...get me tissues or what.!!!...and in my continuing quest to be honest and open in this blog ....I also found my thoughts turn to suicide ...albeit for only a few seconds but this shocked me (and Chris) as it has been a very long time since these thoughts invaded my mind.

Please don't panic ....I am not about to do anything...but I am reaching high in the vulnerability stakes here in the sure knowledge that "writing is my best chance of happiness"...I wonder how many of us have these fleeting thoughts but are too ashamed..embarrassed....to admit to ourselves that there are times when "stuff" just overwhelms us and the load gets too heavy to carry alone. The enemy would keep us locked into our silences and dress us up with the "I am fine" response when friends ask .I believe fully that verbalising (or blogging) such thoughts takes away the power of them...its the secrecy and the shame that gives such thoughts the ability to damage and even as I have spent a few minutes telling you this I know they have lost their hold over me. Revelations ch 12 v 11 says this "they overcame him.(the enemy) by the blood of the lamb and by the word of their testimony"
Being able to share such things with you..... isn't this the very essence of friendship...the very infra-structure of relationships is that "we carry one anothers burdens"...there are some great scriptures .

A friend loves at all times
There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Greater love has no man than he lays down his life for his friend.

And there are so many of these emails that go round that have all sorts of "twee" friendship mottos and words..(NB ...I very rarely open or pass these on....sorry.)...but in reality friendships can be a source of great joy...great fun....but can also bring pain and hurt altho I would hope as adults that we never set out to cause pain and hurt but as we are all broken human beings it is only to be expected that we sometimes will hurt and be hurt.

One of life's mottos I have come to understand is the one that says.

Some friends we have for a reason
Some friends we have for a season
Some friends we have for life

and as I blog my way through this subject I am hoping to unpack this in my life. I want to say quite clearly at the outset that any examples or stories I may use will be based on many different people...so don't go looking for yourself.!!!...If I have a specific person in mind I will name them by initials but please don't pick up on anything and wonder if its you...I will be going back decades and I haven't known you all for that long ...Hee Hee

While away at Cherish one of the speakers "got up my nose"...and I found myself wondering why...and began to realise there was still "stuff" floating about within my spirit and yet another layer of self realisation was surfacing. This was in some way confirmed by several comments that were made that set me thinking and praying and asking God for revelation. A very wise man who I love and respect much used to say.."when comments are made...even in jest..ask God if there is a nugget of truth there that He wants you to deal with" and so I think this was one of the main reasons why the tears came with such force...the "nuggets" did contain some truth and I didn't like it...one little bit.!!..but we all know so well that it is "truth that sets us free" and as I blog my way through this subject I know that I will gain a greater level of freedom.

Please continue to walk with me and share your own feelings and thoughts ......