June 20th Midnight Ramblings

I cant sleep...so have decided to blog for a bit and ramble ..as you do at 12.20 am when sleep has disappeared and the telly has lost all promise of keeping my attention. Friendships are a funny old thing...there are loads of cliche type of sayings and the cringe inducing emails that go the rounds..(sorry to those who keep sending me them )...but all fall short of really explaining in a concrete and understandable way what friendships are all about.

I am not going to pretend that I have got it all sussed out ....all I know for sure is my life would be so much the poorer without the friends I have now and the friends I have known over the years.

Many years ago ..one of the lead elders of the church did a sermon on friendship and as part of his message he had us write down the names of 5 people who we would consider to be close friends. I was amazed that so many people found this a difficult task . Over the years I have been involved in several groups where friendships were on the discussion agendas and again have found it hard to see that many people would say they don't have close friends. Even today I know several women who would say that they don't have close friends.

My biggest fear is that if people really knew what I was like they wouldn't want to be my friend. I am basically a people pleaser...built into my spirit is a huge fear of abandonment and I guess if you have followed my blog you will know where that comes from.There are times I am in church and I look around and everyone seems to be in groups all talking and I feel alone....not lonely....just alone. One of the things I struggle with most in church settings is the part where they say "turn to person near you and say hello"...or "get up and go chat to someone you don't know" If you look around at that time my bum will probably still be planted on the chair.The saddest thing is that often no-one actually talks to me or comes over to me and I still feel alone...

Please don't feel sorry for me or tell me to "get a grip".I am being honest both with myself and with you. I have been making a huge effort to change this in myself and to shake off the feelings of "no one loves me" syndrome. Mainly because I know its not true.!!!!...But there are times when feelings obscure the facts.

I will blog more sensibly in next entry....and begin the trawl through the years and share about the amazing people who I have known as friends...and how my life has shaped the way I have related to them .Looking back...I can see I have made many mistakes and caused hurt to some friends and if at any time I have caused pain to anyone reading this I hope you will forgive me. My aim in blogging is to grow more...learn more...love more....understand more..

Mark ch 12 v 29-31 says this

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength . The second is this ....love your neighbour as yourself."

I read somewhere that it is impossible to "love your neighbour as yourself" when so many of us don't actually love ourselves.! My quest in the last year or so has been to learn to "love myself" and certainly this last few months as I have kept this blog it has been an ongoing search deep within to allow God to show me how loved I am by Him and in doing this I am coming into a new revelation that I am actually quite lovable. How cool is that?!!