Shadow Of Victory

Thursday, 1 October 2009

October 1st...Waffling on and on

It is only just the 1st October in that it is 13 mins past midnight and I really should be in bed..especially as I have to get up at 7am for the wee boy. I have been blogging away for months now and have opened myself up in a way I never thought possible knowing that "writing is my best chance of happiness" .

My waffling for this entry is simply this...I am seriously down...I wonder if I am the only person in the entire world who sometimes just feels like giving up.??There are times when I want to revert to being a small child and just curl up in a corner ..suck my thumb and wait till it all gets better.Outwardly I am getting on with ...chatting...being funny...being happy..being sociable..getting to see people..going out for meals...having is going on around me and yet somewhere deep inside there is something broken.

I wonder if I need to go to doctors...take medication...buck up..pull myself together...count my in the Lord....lean on Him...ask for real...or what???...I asked myself tonight...why do I feel like this... I cant seem to shake it off....

I seem to have spent the last few days snarling inside at others yet smiling nicely on the outside...I had a great time today having coffee with GJ and it was the only hour in about the last 24 when I didn't want to hit someone..anyone. I have no axe to grind with anyone . No-one has offended me..hurt me or caused me pain...yet somehow or other in the last few days life has lost its sweetness for me.

I am busy...but then we all have busy times and I am no different from others in that it can cause stress but yet I know that somehow this isn't just the busy-ness of life.I am aware that there is pressure on me...both Chris and I with regards to our IVA and with the annual review still not sorted it does hang over us and who knows when that pressure will be lifted. This evening at Life group..we sang the worship song with the words that say
"so take me as you find me..all my fears and failures." and then later the chorus sings out so powerfully .."Saviour..he can move the God is mighty to save He is mighty to save " and all I could think of was the word "failures" and I looked around the room and started to compare myself with the others in the room and all I could see or feel or think was "I am a complete failure in comparison to everyone else here."

Everything in me wanted to just run...just pick up my bag and grab the car keys and run...( couldn't do that as my washing was in their machine..)and as soon as LG ended we were out of there as quickly as I could get the washing in bag and say bye bye.Not one person in the group has done or said anything to make me feel that way..its just me and how I am feeling. I cant point a finger at any person in my life and say...fault lies there..its just me.The same thing happened in the restaurant the other evening when I was having a meal with the bestest of friends I could ask for and as the evening wore on I found myself thinking..."why are they hanging out with me ..they are so much better than me and here I am sitting with them with "all my fears and failures " and all I wanted to do was go home to bed"

I can guess that in a few days or weeks I will no doubt feel better..but at the moment this is how I feel.Our church pastor is encouraging us all to be willing to answer the question "how are you ?" as honestly as we can and not hide behind the "I am fine" response that is the norm. and so if you were to ask me ...I guess I would say..." I am way down the tunnel and wondering if the light I thought would be at the end has actually disappeared."

Be assured I am still "doing life"...I have and will carry on outwardly and it will all be well...yet inside I need to find a way to deal with the snarling and the unrest that has somehow begun to overwhelm me .A verse from Scripture that we used to sing a few years ago has come back to me about God breaking down the wall.

Ephesians Ch 2 V 14 says this,,,"For He himself is our peace who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier,the dividing wall of hostility,by abolishing in his flesh the law with its commandments and regulations, His purpose was to create in himself one new man out of the two ,thus making peace...and so on "

Somehow there is a barrier...a wall separating me from the peace of Christ and I know that this barrier hasn't been put there by Him..or anyone else so therefor it must have been me ...each brick in the wall is my fears...and I need to find a way to break it down and regain the deep peace and joy that is mine through my salvation.

Gosh ..its now almost 1am and I have approx 5-6 hours before I need to get up and just get on with life..we all know that in the cold dark of night thoughts like these can sneak in and make themselves at home yet from experience the bright dawn of a new day will cast a new light on everything and for that I am most incredibly grateful and for your walking alongside me and bringing new hope... encouragement support and love into my life I thank you.


Sue said...

Irene, I cried for you when I read this, so much of it I can relate to, the putting on an act, trying to keep going, smiling, talking, but inside feeling so bad I just want to die. Also feel for you that someone has been so negative, I know well that being honest can have repercussions. I've been trying to let the mask slip just a bit on facebook trying not to say I'm fine, what I've found weird on Sundays is that I've been honest with friends who are on facebook and saying I'm fine to anyone else! It's a start and hard for anyone of us to be completely honest about everything. I certainly don't see you as a failure but as an inspiration. Loving reading this blog and getting to know you better.

Geri said...

Loving you Irene - you are so special! Recognising that you are going through an emotional 'blip' is half the battle of getting through it. Most of us just get ratty, forgetting that these things come and go. All I know is that an honest you on a bad day is better than being told you're 'fine' all the time!

Lel said...

Hi Irene
I could totally relate to this over the past few months and have spent many an hour on my own having a 'quiet' cry and not really knowing why. My lovely hubby reminds me of all the good things in my life and yet at times that made me feel more guilty for not focusing on all the wonderful things and just about the things I can't change.
Thank you for being so honest as the others have already said and for making me feel not 'alone' in my thoughts and feelings. Just to let you know I have come out of the tunnel and can see a brighter horizon and know you will too when you are ready x

Sandra in Bonnie Scotland said...

Irene, you touched a nerve with me in this blog, as I'm so feeling exactly as you are (i.e. in feeling like giving up) just now. My feelings are - thankfully - only in my professional life just now, and I've been giving myself such talkings to (as has our pal Anne) but I'm not feeling better enough yet about how things are, at least presently....and wait for it, I've put on - yes ON! - half a stone again! Now that's something I'm definitely not happy about, but I know only too well how I've put it on...what I've put in my mouth drink and food wise...because it made things seem "better"....for a wee while! But neither of us are "failures" - as your comments received confirm to you! So we'll both pull ourselves together soon I'm sure. Luv ya lots, Sands