Shadow Of Victory

Monday, 19 October 2009

October 18th Battlefield

As I blog again this morning I have come to realise once more that life can be a battlefield.!One of the speakers at Willow Creek talked about how he was on a plane and the video monitor in front of him was broken and how for a long while he found himself looking quite intently at his face. Usually when we look in a mirror it is because we are doing something..eg.drying our hair..putting on make up..brushing our teeth and so on. So to look at the reflection with no distractions ..he found a new and disturbing activity.He went on to encourage us to take a half hour or so and just look intently at our face and ask God what is there. I don't think for one second he was referring to the wrinkles or the grey hairs etc but more..what do we think of ourselves and what does God think of us.

So...this morning..feeling replenished and relatively at peace with myself ..I had a relaxing morning...had some tea and toast..lazed around..read some...had a bath..did the stuff women do with razors etc and then took some time to look at myself.I may have gone slightly overboard in that I stood naked for a little bit of time and very quickly got dressed and had a few minutes looking at my face.

I would love to say that this exercise has been beneficial and recommend it to everyone but to be honest I have to confess I now feel like I would like to give up my role in the human race. If I could ..I would crawl into my bed and never get up...I hated every second of it and certainly didn't last more than 10 minutes let alone half an hour. The thoughts that have gone through my mind have almost frightened me....where did they come ?? Not from God that's for sure.!! It has made me so aware of the battle I am in...

What did I see that caused me to shut down so quickly?...apart from the recurring shingles sores that have once more re-appeared on my face...thats twice in 5 weeks...ggrrrrrr......I have endeavoured to be as open and vulnerable in this blog as I can but some of these thoughts I am not able to share. I am not so stupid as to think they have come from anywhere but the "pit" and that they are not the "truth" but boy am I ducking low down to dodge the flack. What I will share are the secondary thoughts that came racing in after I stopped looking. Thoughts like...

Give up...you will never make it
Stop going to church...no-one will miss you
Dont go the Leaders meeting...you are not really a leader..they only tolerate you
Resign from leading Car parking..no-one takes any notice of you anyway
Dont meet with your mentee...you will be useless to her
Miss LifeGroup....you dont get anything from it
Eat yourself silly...you will always be fat
Spend what little money you have ...you will always be in debt
Go back to bed....let people down
Dont go to the wedding at weekend ...your outfit is awful

and so on and so on.....

Life is a battle field...my replenishment bucket is leaking badly this morning...

3 comments:

Geri said...

I've finally caught up on your blog after being away - how I've missed it! The honesty! The self discovery! The rants! The hormones!! 8-) You are not the first person, and you will not be the last, to run away screaming from her own reflection in the mirror. If mirrors did crack everytime they were given a less than perfect face to reflect, the glass industry would be worth millions!

Seriously, my beautiful friend, you are already aware where these thoughts are coming from, so I beg you to give them the credence they deserve, which is none whatsoever. We all have days like these, and I would like to encourage you to plug up your leaky bucket with these words and others like them:

"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you High God - you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration - what a creation! You now me inside and out, you know every bone of my body; You now exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something.Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, the days of my life all prpared before I'd even lived one day.' (from Psalm 139, The Message)

Loving you xx

Sandra in Bonnie Scotland said...

Irene, you know I'm in my own "battlefield" just now so I can completely empathise with your feelings in this blog. Our pal Anne has said my emotions just now (crying buckets!!) could - and I wish! - be hormonal, and I just don't realise it? Knowing how easily a time I appear to have had things on that front - insofar as being non-existant - Or have I? Have YOU?? Will email u soon. S xxx

Caroline said...

There's a HOLE in your bucket, dear Irene, dear Irene, there's a HOLE in your bucket, dear Irene, a hole.
So MEND IT,
With WHAT?
With STRAW,
The straw is too dry...
Then WET IT,
With what shall I wet it...?
With WATER,
In what shall I fetch it...?
In a BUCKET dear Irene.
..
..
..
..
..
There's a HOLE in your bucket...!!!

Do you get what I'm saying Irene?
It's not buckets, or holes, or daft songs about them (oh I so loved singing that song with the kids) that go in cycles. It's life. You don't half give yourself a hard time. Stuff that bucket with as much straw as you can. Sure, it'll leak again eventually, but it does work! Great stuff straw! (for straw, read 'anything that works for you')

Get me! Mrs. Philosophical.
x
Caroline