Shadow Of Victory

Friday, 20 February 2009

February 20th THORN ONE

I have had a few days being poorly and it has been good to have some time to reflect on where I am going with the blog. One thing that I hadnt counted on and it has been an added bonus have been the comments and emails I have received...they have been such a help to me ...to know I am not alone on this journey but even more than that has been the insight and encouragement your words have given to me and for that ...
.....I thank you.....

So....Childhood....this may take a few entries as it is central to who I am and where I am coming from. Looking back is no longer painful for me ...Jesus truly is the one who takes all our suffering upon himself ...but in order for me to look ahead I will need to share some key events with you. I am not going to be glorying in the awful things nor going into much detail but in order to bring clarity I do need to explain some things .I am aware that some readers may still carry pain and my prayer is that as you read you will know more of the love of Christ and his healing touch upon your life.

I want to say here at the outset that when I first encountered Christ as my personal saviour at the age of 30...I spent too many years asking the questions..
"If God truly loved me ...why didnt He step in all those years ago and stop all the "stuff" happening to me?"
"If God is sovereign ..surely He could have......?"...
"Why does God allow such trauma??"

I used to say to a close friend who was walking my journey with me..."when I get to heaven I will have a lot of questions to ask God!!" In her wisdom she would reply to me."when you get to heaven you will be too overwhelmed by Gods love and mercy that none of those questions will have any relevance"..I can truly say that as God has worked in my spirit that I no longer ask these IF and WHY questions....and it may surprise you to know that I would not change a thing about my childhood.!! It was awful and awful things happened BUT because of it I am the person I am and I quite like me.!!!

A brief explanation of my childhood.... I am the youngest of 5 children born into an extremely unhappy marriage which resulted in much upheaval as mum and dad seperated and tried again and seperated and tried again...etc ...the youngest 3 including myself were in and out of several childrens homes and for long periods of time we would live with one or other parent or with relatives in varying combinations.After many reconciliation attempts they called a halt and were eventually divorced with dad taking the boys to live with him and mum taking the girls. My sister emigrated to Canada followed by one of my brothers and I lived alone with my mum for several years as we moved from town to town living with friends and relatives for periods of time.At age 13 I went to live with my dad full time and at age 18 I met Chris ...fell in love...and lived happily ever after...and that was 36 years ago.

In among that short description of my journey there are some traumatic events which I will be sharing with you.....trauma can be a "making or a breaking" experience...for me it hasnt been as straightforward as an either/or scenario....the trauma I have lived with has been both a "making and a breaking" and I have spent considerably more time than I would have liked in the "broken" stages..

Three of the most significant life traumas that have shaped my growing up have been abuse from ages 3 through to 14...the suicides of 2 of my brothers...and my mum leaving me when I was 12 years old . I have listed them in this precise order as I believe this is in direct order of how significant they have been in my life. On these building blocks my adult personality and character was destined to be formed and before I knew Jesus Christ I was a very broken woman trying desperately to survive.

A couple of paragraphs ago I slipped in a few words that you may just have glanced over without too much notice and which I bring back to you as they are of extreme importance in my story. At age 18 I met Chris...he is my husband and many of you know him....we werent christians when we met so I wouldnt have said this at the time but looking back I know without any doubts at all that God brought him into my life...he is Gods gift to me and has been a major source of healing for me. More than any other he knows exactly how tough my journey has been...he has walked every painful mile with me..at times carrying me ..at times cheering me on..at times leaving me to pace myself...but always there...always willing to do what was needed...always loving ...always forgiving...and he is continuing to walk with me on this journey through this blog.

He isnt perfect...he isnt God....we have had extremely painful and tough times over the decades but God knew what he was doing when our two worlds collided and I use the word collide deliberately as our families and upbringing couldnt have been any more different. Chris is one of 9 children and his parents celebrate their diamond wedding anniversary this year (60 years) and his childhood was a complete reversal of mine.

So...I have set the scene and laid the foundation for this "thorn" and will be unpacking a bit more in my next entry. I leave you with a couple of sentences from a poem that I read in Ruthies blog;

"Your painful past will be nothing but a testimony of grace...as my melody of healing resounds through your days" ...... "My purpose is greater than the pain"

From where I stand today I know the truth of these words....May you also grasp something of this truth for who you are at this time wherever you are on your own journey.

6 comments:

Ruthie said...

My beautiful friend...nothing more to say than I love you and it is a privilege to walk with you... x

Joy Finlayson said...

Good to see my poem is impacting lives! Glory to God!

Iris said...

hi Irene..I am so glad to be walk alongside you on this journey. You are a very special lady and God uses you for all circumstances..
Keep on doing what your doing my friend... God Bless you for your honesty.x

Jacqui W-G said...

Hi Irene. I am just back from a skiing holiday and dosed up with pain killers as I have some lurgy. On the way out (20 hour coach journey) I read "The Shack" which for whatever reason I had been pretty resistant to reading. It is a beautiful book that takes a thorn in one man's life-the murder of his youngest child by a serial killer, and then this man meets with God in a way where he can start to process the why and how questions.

The dialogue between the Trinity is exceptional in that it demonstrates why we take so long to find healing due to our independence and wrong thinking. I would highly recommend you read this novel as it may help you to grieve and find restoration as you hear a story that mirrors some of your own.

Love Jax

irene m said...

Thanks again for comments and emails....
Jacqui...welcome back and hope you feel better soon. I have just finished reading The Shack...for the second time..like you I was resistant to reading it and didnt "get" it when I first read it last year...but this time round it has impacted me in a more significant way.

Anonymous said...

As always you display so much depth and emotion in what you write. I am touched by what you have said about me and rest assured God willing i will continue to be walking alongside you.

LOL
CJ