Shadow Of Victory

Thursday, 2 April 2009

April 3rd Revelation

Today I had a revelation....you know those precious moments when you can almost "see" God in your mind....almost "hear " his voice speaking to your spirit. I wish I could say I have these moments daily but sadly ...no....Today was the day for a blessing .

I was walking the dog...watching the wee boy I care for running all over the place chasing both the dog and his football and the sun was shining and I was thanking God for moments like these when "all is well" no matter what is going on around me I just knew deep peace and happiness.

I began to reflect on "authentic lives" and "being vulnerable" ...and I was thinking of the entry in yesterdays blog where I said that "usually I would run for cover" when things all around me are painful and confusing....why I sometimes feel that I seem to be continually "moaning" and that maybe I should shut up as folk will be getting fed up with me....I actually said that to Caroline..."maybe I should just pretend it is all okay "

As my thoughts followed this thread I had my "Revelation"...God opened a curtain into my spirit and gave me a fresh insight to my character formation...From a very young age I learned that if I complained about anything I would either be punished ...ignored...or laughed at....If I expressed hurt or pain I would be given a sweetie and sent out to play.....I was never allowed to be unhappy because I was "trained " to be a people pleaser for fear I would be left behind. Somewhere lost in the murkiness of my childhoods nomadic existence a terrible fear of being lost and forgotten had gained a foothold and for most of my adult life I have felt guilty when expressing distress....there really weren't many moments when I felt a hug or a kind word or anyone telling me it was okay to cry.

This may well be obvious to many people ...but to me it was one of those thunderbolt moments...as I have written this blog some of you have left me comments and sent me emails and they have been life affirming and slowly but surely your loving encouragement and acceptance of my "moanings" have somehow or other permeated into my spirit and affirmed in me that I am not being ignored or forgotten and I wont be left behind or be lost and most precious of all..I don't need to feel any guilt over expressing my feelings...To know you will still be my friends...no matter what ...is a very precious truth that today has brought a deeper level of strength to me.

I feel well and truly blessed....even though I am in the "wake of that ship" for a few moments I am "being still and knowing God."

2 comments:

sandra said...

Awesome entry Irene...keep being open and honest with friends knowing they will love you whatever... be blessed
God is certainly at work
xx

Sandra in Bonnie Scotland said...

Imagine how much better our world could be if we would all be so open and honest - with each other, and about anything and everything...you're making a fantastic contribution here my friend! And as Cinderella went to the Ball, you shall go to Willow Creek! Believe! xxx