I am fascinated by friendships...relationships...people...in another life I may well have been a therapist as I love watching the interaction of different people in different settings. People watching is one of my all time favourite activities. I have been known to make up entire life stories about two people in a coffee shop...my husband thinks I am bonkers but he does join in at times too especially on holidays when we get time to chill out and watch the world go by.
This year ...if you have been following my blog....or indeed know me and been a part of my life in the real world...has been one of the worst years on record in my life. I am not even going to repeat all the sad bits...nor the health problems...nor the confusion...I console myself with saying that 2014 is just around the corner and I am so looking forward to a new beginning and a deep hope that it wont ever be as bad as 2013 has been .
I have had a lot of time on my hands this year...way more than I really wanted or needed and it has given me time to think....Thinking is sadly under-rated...I have come to the conclusion that I need to do a lot more thinking in future and less talking or acting or doing stuff but just being quiet and letting my mind and thoughts and emotions have a few moments to themselves !
This is what I have come up with whilst letting my mind free fall.....some other thoughts on the subject of Friendship. I wrote a blog entry about my friend Bren who recently went to glory leaving a huge gap in my heart and soul and as yet I am still finding it so hard to believe she is no longer here...no longer will I get an email or a text and I cant plan a trip down to see her. Its a weird horrid hurting gap left that I am daily praying that God will fill with peace on a day by day basis.
So...what other thoughts have occupied my thoughts on friendship ....I will just blurt them out in no particular order and not listed by their importance...just thoughts.
I have been reading and looking at the woman in the bible with the issue of blood....she has always been one of my favourite characters and I identify with some of what the story tells...( not that I have had an issue of blood ! ) but the fact of her being stigmatised...and marginalised within her community...I read a little between the lines and guess she isn't one of the people you would want to hang out with...simply because she was ill for so long. I wonder what her life was like before she got ill ...did she have lots of good friends...was her social life full...was she invited to friends homes or gatherings...did she herself have the gift of friendship and a full life within her community??
I kinda think that perhaps when she didn't get better that slowly but surely maybe her friends and her community and her support network just got smaller and smaller until after 12 years I think she was very alone....the culture of those times was that she was " unclean" so I am probably right in saying she was alone and probably lonely too.
So what am I saying here....If I am honest I have felt that the whole of this woman's 12 years has been whittled down to cover the last 8 months of my life...Previous to me becoming unwell I would have said I was blessed with some really precious friends and had as full a life as I could have around my work and family commitments. As it became apparent over the months that I wasn't going to get "better" and that the route to wholeness and wellness was going to a long haul rather than a few weeks I realised that slow but sure the contact and community I had was diminishing and days would go by with no contact with anyone except maybe a quick coffee time and then I noticed that even those were going and being replaced by txts and this last two weeks even the texts have almost died off too.
Please believe me...I am not pointing any fingers...I also hold my hand up and admit that most of the time I would make an arrangement and then cancel it at last minute if I wasn't able to cope or had a doctor/hospital appointment so I am definitely not blaming anyone. The woman in the bible probably had some good days when she thought perhaps she would be able to go see someone but then wham her issue came back again and she had to cancel again.
These thoughts on friendship have been brought to the fore of my mind mainly because of Bren's death...I can honestly say that she was the most loyal and loving and caring friend ever and no "issue of blood " made any difference to our love for each other...if I cancelled she just kept on loving and caring and keeping in touch..her emails and txts didn't stop until 6 days before she died and even then they were full of her concern for me and her love or me.
One other "odd" thing I have found is that friends who I have known for decades but maybe who haven't been a part of my everyday community have been so caring and understanding even if from a distance .. As I pondered on this ...the old versus the newer friendships...by that I mean the 15 years plus versus the less than 8-10 years I have been surprised and blessed by the oldies way more than the newbies. I wonder if this is specifically because of the history we share...or is it because they don't all live nearby and don't have to put up with me and my "issue"
I have come to the conclusion its because they knew me way before 2013 when life became so hard and they remember ME...as I was not ME as I am now.
My oldest buddy in Edinburgh ...Sandra is one of the best of friends one can ever know. Sandra came into my life at the same time as Chris did..so at least 41 years of shared history. Sandra has always been there for me...not always in the same country as she lived in South Africa for many years but by letters we kept our friendship alive and in more recent years ...texts emails and visits have all strengthened our love for one another. Sandra isn't a Christian....but she is a God believer if that makes sense.. (.I did check this out with her before I wrote this blog ) and her giving of herself and her home and her time has been a huge blessing to me. Loyalty...is one of her characteristics and no matter how low I have been this last year she has consistently loved and encouraged me all the time. Sometimes her advice is way off the wall but mostly she is just loving me through and treating me no differently to the ME that she has known all these 41 years. One other attribute that Sandra has that allows her to shine in my life is that we can talk about my faith and she supports me in that and would never try and change me...in the same way I totally accept that she isn't (yet) a follower of Jesus but that our friendship doesn't depend on us having the same belief ...its more dependent on who we are to each other....The other great thing about Sandra is she loves not just me but all my family too and takes an interest in all that we are doing....its a wrap around kind of friendship that truly allows me to feel safe.
In the same category as an * oldie * is my friend Sharon....we met probably 22 years ago here in Bracknell...she now lives in Yate near Bristol. Again for many years our friendship relied on letters ( shows our age as this was way before txts and emails ) and I find now over the last 3-4 years that the distance isn't any barrier to keeping the friendship alive and well....this last few months Sharon has consistently been a support and encouragement to me and mine. I could fill a whole blog talking about how this friendship has blessed me so much.
Another "oldie" is Caroline...she lives in Amsterdam and I last saw her in the flesh 32 years ago when she visited me in hospital when I gave birth to Andrew my middle child...and altho the miles and the distance are clearly an obstacle somehow or other we have kept alive the link of our hearts which first formed when we were five years old....Caroline is my * get real * friend...by this I mean she minces no words...says what she means...and keeps my feet on the ground... I love her outspoken thoughts and her amazing ability to remind me that life at times is a bummer but you just got to keep going. I also love the fact about Caroline that she is just as smitten with her grandchildren as I am with mine so we are a mutual adoration society on Facebook.
Finally another *oldie* who has once more proven that friendships can and do last the test of time. Melita...I have known for about 28 years ..we have holidayed together..served God together...shared a bed together ( never again..she is not that good a friend )..we have laughed and cried and prayed and lost all hope then found it again when least expected. Melita has now moved miles away and I have already forgiven her for that...but am still working on the forgiveness issue that she lives 105 seconds from the sea. Melita is an all round friend...she is who she is and and loves me exactly as I am ...all the time...
I count myself more that blessed to share about my friends....these are the ones who despite the distance ....have gone the distance with me....I have written this to honour them .
Sandra....Sharon ...Caroline ....Melita.....my friends...please know I love and value you in so many different ways and you are a gift from God into my life especially more so in recent months.
Shadow Of Victory
Tuesday, 17 December 2013
Monday, 25 November 2013
REFLECTIONS OF 1997 ..POETRY
My amazing husband found the poem and here it is ....I can remember the evening so well...I wonder if anyone else does too. I would love to hear from you if you were there.
I also realised that I did actually write another poem...This was for a Sparklers Time Out morning so watch this space for more poetry...who knows I may have a real gift !!
I also realised that I did actually write another poem...This was for a Sparklers Time Out morning so watch this space for more poetry...who knows I may have a real gift !!
REFLECTIONS
Come journey with me
throughout my year
and witness this moment that
God etched clear
in my search for the essence
of love.
A child so young, so
precious, so fair
stumbled and tumbled and fell
down the stair
Come watch with me in
Intensive Care.
I felt the coldness of the
valley of death
as I watched machines work to
give her breath
I was overwhelmed with
worries and fears
my eyes ached with the
fierceness of my tears
Yet even in this chaos I
heard this voice
I knew as always I had a
choice
To give way to the panic that
I was feeling
Or believe in the Lord and
trust Him for healing.
Was it then
that I knew the essence of love?
Perhaps
Come journey with me
throughout my year
and witness this moment that
God etched clear
in my search for the essence
of love.
A friendship covenanted in
love and prayer
nurtured and held with tender
care
I grew careless and took it
for granted
neglecting to watch over the
seeds that were planted
Harsh words came, like
weapons of war
they drew blood and opened
wounds so sore
Yet God in His mercy provided
words to say
For healing and forgiveness
and strength to pray.
Was it then
that I knew the essence of love?
Perhaps
Come journey with me
throughout my year
and witness this moment that
God etched clear
in my search for the essence
of love.
A child caught up in that
"in between" life
full of struggles and
conflict and inner strife
exposed and isolated by a
sense of shame
realisation dawning that
life's not a game.
As the burden of sin became
too heavy to bear
Eyes locked into mine begging
me to share
And forgiveness flowed like
heavenly rain
Our relationship released
from desperate pain.
Was it then
that I knew the essence of love?
Perhaps
Come journey with me
throughout my year
and witness this moment that
God etched clear
in my search for the essence
of love.
A woman of spirit called by
the Lord
A voice amongst voices
repeating these words
"You are fearfully and
wonderfully made"
"You are fearfully and
wonderfully made"
"You are fearfully and
wonderfully made"
As the echoes resounded again
and again
I could feel the familiar
sense of pain
And then all who were there
just disappeared
And in my spirit a vision
appeared
In the shadows childbirth
and even as I approached to
see
I knew the baby would be me.
And as I watched this event
unfold
My heart was gripped by icy
cold.
And as I saw the child born -
laid aside and rejected.
My spirit within felt dead
and dejected.
Then something happened that
was very strange
As I saw the shadows lift and
the vision change.
A presence I knew was
The Father picked up the
child.
I was cradled in His arms and
felt safe from all harm.
I heard His voice, like
thunder yet
whispering like a gentle
breeze into
my very soul
Eavesdrop with
me :
"Can a mother forget the
baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has
borne,
tho she may forget you I will
not forget you.
Before you were formed in the
womb I knew you
Before you were born I set
you apart
For I created your inmost
being
you are fearfully and
wonderfully made
and I will never leave you or
forsake you.
For I know the plans I have
for you,
plans to prosper you and not
bring you harm,
plans to give you hope and a
future.
And as my thoughts began to
gather
I knew this voice to be my
Father
And the eyes of my heart were
opened to see
that with this love I could
be me.
And chains that bound me to
the past
Released my spirit and I was
free at last
Was it then
that I knew the essence of love
OH YES
It was then
Sunday, 24 November 2013
GODS LOVE NEVER FAILS
Today at our amazing new Kerith Multi Site meeting we sang a song with the chorus..
GODS LOVE NEVER FAILS ..NEVER GIVES UP..NEVER RUNS OUT ON ME
If you have been following my blog....or know me well...you may know that most of 2013 has been a messy ..painful...confusing time ..not just in my own life.... but in our family and friends lives too. The one thing keeping me going is the truth that God loves me....loves me enough to give up Jesus to the cross...enough to resurrect him from the grave and to give to me...completely free...the Comforter...His spirit living within me ....holding me up...keeping my feet on the rock...keeping my eyes lifted up...keeping my heart beating to the sound of all heaven worship-ing his son Jesus.
When I got home I was looking for something in a drawer...and I found a piece of paper...I had forgotten existed. Many years ago ( 17 years ) the "old "style of women's ministry used to meet once a term for an evening of worship and word and Val Cottee who led the team at that time had asked me to be a part of the evening. I usually feel very honoured to be asked to be a part of leading women into Gods presence but this particular time Val asked me to write and bring a poem
. Yes....a poem .Val had been praying about the evening and felt very strongly that God wanted her to ask me to write a poem There was no guideline...no topic...no theme ...no scripture....Val encouraged me to seek God and go for it.
Now to put this into perspective I love writing ....anything....letters...cards....emails...texts ...blogs...Fbook and lists..lots of lovely lists for everything you can imagine...shopping lists..things to do lists..things for others to do lists...things to pack for holidays lists.. and probably somewhere in one of my drawers there may even be a "list of lists ".BUT I have never...ever...ever written a poem...not even a ditty.or a limerick or even a two line rhyme so I kinda got a little teensy bit nervous.
I had about two weeks to prepare and you gotta bless Val she didn't even want to vet it..correct it..mentor it..she just trusted that God had told her and that was enough for her to trust that I would bring to the women's ministry evening what He wanted to bring. As I prayed about what on earth I should write about God laid on my heart the word.. REFLECTIONS and the poem began to shape itself almost without my having to work too hard at it ( hint for future...this is when you know that whatever has been asked of you that its from God )
The poem ended up being a look back at the year I had lived through which was 1997 and as with 2013 it had been a very very tough year for me personally and for the family and friends ( sound familiar ? ) and if anyone asked me tomorrow if I would write a poem based on the word REFLECTIONS a lot of what I wrote 17 years ago would be repeated . The circumstances would be obviously be very different but the main theme running through this 17 year old poem is very simply
GODS LOVE NEVER FAILS..NEVER GIVES UP...NEVER GIVES UP ON ME
My amazing husband has told me he can find the poem....he yacks on about files and folders and cutting and pasting and yes it will appear on the blog.. So I am trusting in God that this is true (!) and that at some point in next couple of days I will share with you my one and only poem...immortalised forever ...in some hard drive..or usb thingy or even something called a dongle ?? Stay tuned and understand I am not boasting about my ability to write poetry...I am simply and humbly reminding myself that hard times like 1997 and 2013 make no difference to the truth that
GODS LOVE NEVER FAILS ..NEVER GIVES UP..NEVER RUNS OUT ON ME
GODS LOVE NEVER FAILS ..NEVER GIVES UP..NEVER RUNS OUT ON ME
If you have been following my blog....or know me well...you may know that most of 2013 has been a messy ..painful...confusing time ..not just in my own life.... but in our family and friends lives too. The one thing keeping me going is the truth that God loves me....loves me enough to give up Jesus to the cross...enough to resurrect him from the grave and to give to me...completely free...the Comforter...His spirit living within me ....holding me up...keeping my feet on the rock...keeping my eyes lifted up...keeping my heart beating to the sound of all heaven worship-ing his son Jesus.
When I got home I was looking for something in a drawer...and I found a piece of paper...I had forgotten existed. Many years ago ( 17 years ) the "old "style of women's ministry used to meet once a term for an evening of worship and word and Val Cottee who led the team at that time had asked me to be a part of the evening. I usually feel very honoured to be asked to be a part of leading women into Gods presence but this particular time Val asked me to write and bring a poem
. Yes....a poem .Val had been praying about the evening and felt very strongly that God wanted her to ask me to write a poem There was no guideline...no topic...no theme ...no scripture....Val encouraged me to seek God and go for it.
Now to put this into perspective I love writing ....anything....letters...cards....emails...texts ...blogs...Fbook and lists..lots of lovely lists for everything you can imagine...shopping lists..things to do lists..things for others to do lists...things to pack for holidays lists.. and probably somewhere in one of my drawers there may even be a "list of lists ".BUT I have never...ever...ever written a poem...not even a ditty.or a limerick or even a two line rhyme so I kinda got a little teensy bit nervous.
I had about two weeks to prepare and you gotta bless Val she didn't even want to vet it..correct it..mentor it..she just trusted that God had told her and that was enough for her to trust that I would bring to the women's ministry evening what He wanted to bring. As I prayed about what on earth I should write about God laid on my heart the word.. REFLECTIONS and the poem began to shape itself almost without my having to work too hard at it ( hint for future...this is when you know that whatever has been asked of you that its from God )
The poem ended up being a look back at the year I had lived through which was 1997 and as with 2013 it had been a very very tough year for me personally and for the family and friends ( sound familiar ? ) and if anyone asked me tomorrow if I would write a poem based on the word REFLECTIONS a lot of what I wrote 17 years ago would be repeated . The circumstances would be obviously be very different but the main theme running through this 17 year old poem is very simply
GODS LOVE NEVER FAILS..NEVER GIVES UP...NEVER GIVES UP ON ME
My amazing husband has told me he can find the poem....he yacks on about files and folders and cutting and pasting and yes it will appear on the blog.. So I am trusting in God that this is true (!) and that at some point in next couple of days I will share with you my one and only poem...immortalised forever ...in some hard drive..or usb thingy or even something called a dongle ?? Stay tuned and understand I am not boasting about my ability to write poetry...I am simply and humbly reminding myself that hard times like 1997 and 2013 make no difference to the truth that
GODS LOVE NEVER FAILS ..NEVER GIVES UP..NEVER RUNS OUT ON ME
Monday, 4 November 2013
RETREATING
As a church we are so blessed to be able to take time out and head off to what we call FOURTEEN...this is basically a day set aside in an amazing setting and after an introduction talk you can settle anywhere in the house or garden for up to 5 hours of silence ...broken only by a lunch laid out for us.I have been on probably 6 of these days over the last two years or so and look forward to the dates coming out and planning ahead and anticipating that I will feel rested...refreshed...restored and sometimes I even meet with God !
There is no pressure to be "spiritual" ....no pressure to "hear from God "....no pressure to "share amazing visions "....in fact there is just NO PRESSURE...Sometimes I look around and I see women snoozing....knitting...walking in the garden...sitting staring into space ....and sometimes I look around and see women reading the bible...writing journals....or plugged into their music. I have to be very honest and say that I take a bag full of "stuff " and often the stuff just remains in the bag but I do also plunge right in and get on with the stuff too....There is no pressure to do anything other than BE and I love it....just " being " is a new concept in my world and its one I am embracing with wide open arms and a heart that is beating to this new rhythm rather that the loud discordant beat of " doing ".
I have developed a sort of routine for " being " when I go on retreat days....it consists of picking up a cuppa and a choccie thing....making myself very comfy in my chosen armchair and reading at least two of the magazines that are laid out on the resource table...great reading and I just indulge myself in this with my feet up and enjoy a leisurely hour. Then I get sort of .....oooo I should do something now...this time I wrote some letters...and cards...I am a list person and a writer of letters and I usually have at least 4-5 that I want to get written every week. I was very pleased that in the next hour I managed to get 7 cards/letters written . Its just "stuff " but I felt good that the stuff in the bag got at least an hours attention from me.
It was then lunch time. Here I have a confession.....after the very first retreat where I joined the rest of the women and chatted and shared food together ....I decided that I wouldn't eat with the others and that I would take my lunch with me to my armchair and munch on my own....you see ..there is no pressure to mix with others...they don't think I am rude ....I feel quite free to do this and it keeps my mind fixed on just " being ". I don't have to make conversation ...I don't need to exchange news ..or views ..or opinions....I find that it keeps my day flowing with no interruption. Then my routine ...as is a lot of folk ..anywhere...is to have a wee snoozette after lunch. Lovely warm home...comfy armchair...feet up...full tummy....no phone...doorbell...conversation...just a chance to " be ".
When I said at the beginning there is no pressure to be spiritual or to hear from God I rarely come away from the retreat without a sense of his presence and I wrote a blog entry a few months ago sharing about the armchair on the landing which had a really old Dolls House sitting right beside it and how I had one of those rare and special moments when God "whispers" and you know you have to listen up and lean into Gods heart .Today after my snoozette I decided just to focus on the view outside my window. The gardens are truly amazing but as I am no gardener and really have no interest or knowledge in plants or trees I do enjoy just letting my eyes wander and then settle onto one area or one thing and just as a few months ago God put the Dolls House in front of my eyes ...this time He put a garden table in front of my eyes . Literally right in front of my eyes ! Where I was sitting was directly facing the patio where there was a large wooden garden table ...
As it is fast approaching winter months I guess that all the chairs and sunshine parasol had all been put inside so it was just this solitary table...it was a fair size and I would reckon you could get at least ten folk around it or more if you all squeezed up. Knowing the family and the setting I also guess that it has been well used for many seasons ......for gatherings large and small and for different occasions ..eg Sunday lunch..birthdays...visitors...or just a general sit down and rest up kind of day. As I continued to "look" at the table I felt one of those " whispers" from God that I knew I just had to allow him to reveal something personal to me about this table. It felt very similar to the "whisper " I felt some time ago with the Dolls House moment and I was more than ready to listen up.
As I continued to look at the table I realised it was a fair age....it didn't seem to be one of those new ones all spruced up and well varnished. It looked as if it had seen a number of seasons. The wood was wet and this had warped some of the planks that made up the top of the table...from the angle I was sitting I couldn't really see the table top but judging by the bits I could see I reckon the top was less than perfect and probably had a fair amount of nicks and splintered bits too. I am no DIY person but it even seemed to me as if someone had actually built the table itself and laid the planks on top. The base was very sturdy and not at all like the flimsy posh wood ones we see in shops now and certainly not the plastic round ones that fall apart after two years. This was a very solid table and looking closely again I decided that the reason it was still there and not put inside with the chairs was maybe that it was very heavy to move or that it was too big to be stored anywhere or simply that it may still be of use even as autumn and winter approached. It stood there quite alone without any chairs around it ....no bright and cheerful table covering....no bowl of fruit...no vase of flowers ..no plates of food .. and it was "outside "with no one nearby....looking a bit damp and weathered and unused yet still standing firm on a solid base ..almost waiting for a new season to begin and I began to hear the whisper from God.
I felt God was saying I was a bit like this table...alone...bit damp (!) ..bit worn... bit splintered. ....not being used....no one sitting nearby or around me....not even a chair to offer anyone to sit with me..anyone coming near would just have to stand and therfor not stick around for a long time....nor was there a sun parasol for them to rest under . I had nothing to put on this table...no bright and cheerful covering..no food and nothing beautiful like flowers or plants. This season of my life feels a little bit like this..okay be honest Irene...it has felt a lot like this !! But then I heard another whisper from God and this is really all that I wanted to share..... that like the seemingly old and battered looking table looked abandoned and alone at the moment... I too feel like this garden table.....
Then God whispered to me... just wait till the sun comes again...wait till the warm weather starts again...wait till the time for sitting in the sunshine comes again...wait till the chairs are laid out...wait till I get a new and bright table covering...wait till flowers bloom again...wait till the clouds give way to an endless blue rainbow filled sky...wait till the voices of children shout across the table....wait till the chairs are filled with friends who come to sit with me ....wait till those days arrive again...to share life together ...shelter under the parasol or kick back with their feet propped up on the table top. This table ( me ) may look alone and abandoned but God says quite clearly...look at the base..look at the structure ..how strong and sturdy it was ..no one on their own will be able to move it ..it was stable and sited exactly where God wanted it to be .....right in the front of peoples view and ready at a moments notice to be used as and when this dry and thirsty season ends and a new and fresh day is dawning.
So here I am sitting and waiting and just "being"..I am not abandoned..not unused... not alone...not unwanted...I am just in that season where I need to be able to rest and be assured that the foundations ..like the base the table is built on ...will never be shaken and I am just going to "wait "
There is no pressure to be "spiritual" ....no pressure to "hear from God "....no pressure to "share amazing visions "....in fact there is just NO PRESSURE...Sometimes I look around and I see women snoozing....knitting...walking in the garden...sitting staring into space ....and sometimes I look around and see women reading the bible...writing journals....or plugged into their music. I have to be very honest and say that I take a bag full of "stuff " and often the stuff just remains in the bag but I do also plunge right in and get on with the stuff too....There is no pressure to do anything other than BE and I love it....just " being " is a new concept in my world and its one I am embracing with wide open arms and a heart that is beating to this new rhythm rather that the loud discordant beat of " doing ".
I have developed a sort of routine for " being " when I go on retreat days....it consists of picking up a cuppa and a choccie thing....making myself very comfy in my chosen armchair and reading at least two of the magazines that are laid out on the resource table...great reading and I just indulge myself in this with my feet up and enjoy a leisurely hour. Then I get sort of .....oooo I should do something now...this time I wrote some letters...and cards...I am a list person and a writer of letters and I usually have at least 4-5 that I want to get written every week. I was very pleased that in the next hour I managed to get 7 cards/letters written . Its just "stuff " but I felt good that the stuff in the bag got at least an hours attention from me.
It was then lunch time. Here I have a confession.....after the very first retreat where I joined the rest of the women and chatted and shared food together ....I decided that I wouldn't eat with the others and that I would take my lunch with me to my armchair and munch on my own....you see ..there is no pressure to mix with others...they don't think I am rude ....I feel quite free to do this and it keeps my mind fixed on just " being ". I don't have to make conversation ...I don't need to exchange news ..or views ..or opinions....I find that it keeps my day flowing with no interruption. Then my routine ...as is a lot of folk ..anywhere...is to have a wee snoozette after lunch. Lovely warm home...comfy armchair...feet up...full tummy....no phone...doorbell...conversation...just a chance to " be ".
When I said at the beginning there is no pressure to be spiritual or to hear from God I rarely come away from the retreat without a sense of his presence and I wrote a blog entry a few months ago sharing about the armchair on the landing which had a really old Dolls House sitting right beside it and how I had one of those rare and special moments when God "whispers" and you know you have to listen up and lean into Gods heart .Today after my snoozette I decided just to focus on the view outside my window. The gardens are truly amazing but as I am no gardener and really have no interest or knowledge in plants or trees I do enjoy just letting my eyes wander and then settle onto one area or one thing and just as a few months ago God put the Dolls House in front of my eyes ...this time He put a garden table in front of my eyes . Literally right in front of my eyes ! Where I was sitting was directly facing the patio where there was a large wooden garden table ...
As it is fast approaching winter months I guess that all the chairs and sunshine parasol had all been put inside so it was just this solitary table...it was a fair size and I would reckon you could get at least ten folk around it or more if you all squeezed up. Knowing the family and the setting I also guess that it has been well used for many seasons ......for gatherings large and small and for different occasions ..eg Sunday lunch..birthdays...visitors...or just a general sit down and rest up kind of day. As I continued to "look" at the table I felt one of those " whispers" from God that I knew I just had to allow him to reveal something personal to me about this table. It felt very similar to the "whisper " I felt some time ago with the Dolls House moment and I was more than ready to listen up.
As I continued to look at the table I realised it was a fair age....it didn't seem to be one of those new ones all spruced up and well varnished. It looked as if it had seen a number of seasons. The wood was wet and this had warped some of the planks that made up the top of the table...from the angle I was sitting I couldn't really see the table top but judging by the bits I could see I reckon the top was less than perfect and probably had a fair amount of nicks and splintered bits too. I am no DIY person but it even seemed to me as if someone had actually built the table itself and laid the planks on top. The base was very sturdy and not at all like the flimsy posh wood ones we see in shops now and certainly not the plastic round ones that fall apart after two years. This was a very solid table and looking closely again I decided that the reason it was still there and not put inside with the chairs was maybe that it was very heavy to move or that it was too big to be stored anywhere or simply that it may still be of use even as autumn and winter approached. It stood there quite alone without any chairs around it ....no bright and cheerful table covering....no bowl of fruit...no vase of flowers ..no plates of food .. and it was "outside "with no one nearby....looking a bit damp and weathered and unused yet still standing firm on a solid base ..almost waiting for a new season to begin and I began to hear the whisper from God.
I felt God was saying I was a bit like this table...alone...bit damp (!) ..bit worn... bit splintered. ....not being used....no one sitting nearby or around me....not even a chair to offer anyone to sit with me..anyone coming near would just have to stand and therfor not stick around for a long time....nor was there a sun parasol for them to rest under . I had nothing to put on this table...no bright and cheerful covering..no food and nothing beautiful like flowers or plants. This season of my life feels a little bit like this..okay be honest Irene...it has felt a lot like this !! But then I heard another whisper from God and this is really all that I wanted to share..... that like the seemingly old and battered looking table looked abandoned and alone at the moment... I too feel like this garden table.....
Then God whispered to me... just wait till the sun comes again...wait till the warm weather starts again...wait till the time for sitting in the sunshine comes again...wait till the chairs are laid out...wait till I get a new and bright table covering...wait till flowers bloom again...wait till the clouds give way to an endless blue rainbow filled sky...wait till the voices of children shout across the table....wait till the chairs are filled with friends who come to sit with me ....wait till those days arrive again...to share life together ...shelter under the parasol or kick back with their feet propped up on the table top. This table ( me ) may look alone and abandoned but God says quite clearly...look at the base..look at the structure ..how strong and sturdy it was ..no one on their own will be able to move it ..it was stable and sited exactly where God wanted it to be .....right in the front of peoples view and ready at a moments notice to be used as and when this dry and thirsty season ends and a new and fresh day is dawning.
So here I am sitting and waiting and just "being"..I am not abandoned..not unused... not alone...not unwanted...I am just in that season where I need to be able to rest and be assured that the foundations ..like the base the table is built on ...will never be shaken and I am just going to "wait "
Friday, 25 October 2013
THE GIFT OF FRIENDSHIP
There is a wonderful saying about friends I heard years ago.....
Some friends are in your life for a reason
Some friends are in your life for a season
Some friends are in your life forever....
Over the years I have seen this happen in my friendships...and its only been the last few years I have began to take this into my spirit. I have often tried to keep a friendship going way too long after the reason or season that they were a part of...eg..the school gate mum who your children shared play dates with...the friend who helps you out with lifts for the school run or after an school activity. The friend who you share an interest with eg badminton or book clubs ....the friend who moved away that seems to fizzle out into Christmas cards only.
But I haven't written a blog entry for a very long time because I have been completely wiped out by events happening in and around my family and my friends. Its been a tough few months ....my daughter has been so ill and in hospital several times...and two of my closest friends have been battling with cancer and another close friends husband has also had cancer. Our new grand-daughter was also in hospital for the first 14 weeks of her life and altho doing really well at home has a genetic condition which means a lot of medical care is needed .To add to all that I haven't been in the best of health myself and after almost five months of investigations and trying different medications I am left still with no clear diagnosis and a seemingly anxiety related oral dystonia which leaves me struggling to string two words together and is extremely distressing.
But this isn't what this blog is really about ...Its really about the gift of friendship.! The REAL women's conference at our church this year had as its theme Friendships and altho I didn't get to more than two sessions it was really good to hear what others feel about friendship and for all of the reasons above I wanted to share just a little about one gift of friendship that I have had the honour of having for 27 years.
Less than two weeks ago we attended the funeral and Thanksgiving service for my Dorset Buddy...I had the privilege of speaking at her Thanksgiving and in the few days between my "goodbye "visit and the actual Thanksgiving I was flooded by years and years of memories...I truly believe that she came into my life for all three of the reasons mentioned at the beginning of this entry.
The REASON she came into my life at the time she did was simply to walk through almost 3 decades of family life together...Holidays...Christmas times...Celebrations... The sharing of our children and the ups and downs of family life.
The SEASON she came into my life was that I sorely needed a friend who would accept me once I let her see behind my mask. We all live with various masks that we hide behind and as a new Christian I had my mask firmly in place ...but God used my friend to help me to be real. So far I honestly don't think that apart from Chris and one or two other friends really know the real me and accept me totally as I am. .My Dorset Buddy totally and lovingly helped me to be honest and vulnerable and she reciprocated and trust was built into our friendship from the very beginning.
Now comes the hard part of this entry...I truly believed that my Dorset Buddy would be in my life forever.....we had it all planned...who would push who in the wheelchair...how we would probably move in together if we became widows at similar times....how we would love our families as they got married and we became grandparents....The marathon yakking sessions we had.....the emails we sent to each other in between the monthly visits....the prayers that we shared together ....the wee jokes we had that no one else really understood....the memories....the laughter......we were surely going to be friends forever as well as for reasons and seasons.
Yet two years ago she was diagnosed with cancer and it was most likely terminal. ....this was not in either of our plans for our future friendship and suddenly it became even more important to spend time together. As Dorset is a two hour journey away it wasn't always easy to get there but we both made the effort involved......on my part with a two hour drive there and a two hour drive home for maybe only four hours together and on her part by making time for me and aiming to be as well as she could be as time wore on and the chemo wasn't going to heal her and as the symptoms became more and more debilitating it became even more important to enjoy the gift of friendship more than ever.
When I heard that she had been transferred to a hospice and it would be a matter of days I knew I had to see her one more time..I had actually seen her on my usual monthly visit and in fact had gone with her to her first Radiotherapy session and altho we had a lovely day together especially as both our daughters were together and both of our grandchildren were there too it was a very special day and I have a really lovely photo of both of us together which I now treasure as in the following weeks it became clear that her time was limited and we talked more about her "going to glory" than ever before. Within a month she was given only days and Paul said I could visit her on the Sunday.I had a glorious half hour with her in the Hospice .....I say glorious simply because we crammed as much love....joy...peace...laughter..prayer... tears....and the absolute belief what God was calling her to glory and that she wasn't frightened at all of dying. It was a precious half hour...I cant explain how precious...we both knew we were saying goodbye and even as I write this now my tears are dripping down...both sadness that she is no longer here but also joy in knowing she is with Jesus.
When I arrived at the hospice Paul had explained that she looked very ill...I guess so I wouldn't be shocked...but honestly all I could see was the friend I had known ...her spirit shone through the physical state she was in and even altho I could feel when I hugged her that her body was struggling she was still my friend inside . One thing we have always been together is tactile...we always hugged ..always held hands at times when needed...and this was one of those times. The entire time we talked we held hands...and when I knew I had to leave it was as if we couldn't actually let each go ...our hands seemed joined together and I know with not one shred of doubt that we have had the gift ...the precious gift of friendship and that last goodbye and the holding of our hands was symbolic of the truth that one day....one glorious day..we will be together again in glory.....so whilst I may not have her here on earth as a forever friend I know that ultimately we will always be friends forever.
It has been several weeks now since she died and her Thanksgiving and funeral ( which I must say was excellent...always seems strange to say that a funeral is excellent but we were not just mourning her death we were all celebrating her life and sharing what she meant to each of us )..and the hardest thing I am finding is simply ...she isn't here to share what's happening in my life. A big part of our friendship changed when they moved to Dorset...the daily interaction when we lived in the same town and attended the same church was gone and we relied more and more on emails and letters and phone calls and sleepovers and marathon talkathons...our record was 11 hours solid !!...I find myself thinking.." I must email her"...or "send her a text "...or I see a funny card and I buy it before I remember she isn't here anymore. I have just come home from a ten day holiday and I know that there would have been an email waiting in my inbox saying "how was it...tell me all the about it " and truly was surprised again that it wasn't there waiting for me !
Why am I writing all this ...firstly because I find that at times "writing is my route to happiness " but more importantly to honour my Dorset Buddy..and to honour THE GIFT OF FRIENDSHIP and to perhaps encourage all of us to not only appreciate the friends you have but also to look for ways to nurture that precious gift...who can tell when the time may come when you can no longer nurture it for many reasons.
My Dorset Friend was always a person who disliked being the centre of attention...and would.. I am sure be embarrassed not just at what I write about her but what others have said and felt and shared during her illness and her Funeral and Thanksgiving...and I have always referred to her as My Dorset Friend when I have perhaps shared a visit on Face Book as she was also a very private person and certainly didn't want every one knowing about her health or their sympathy and I respected that in the two years that she was fighting to live......But I will now refer to her no longer as My Dorset Buddy..but simply Bren... Pauls wife....Natalie and Danielles mummy ...Mother in Law to Jamie and Tim and Nona to the gorgeous Beaux...Precious Friend to many....
Bren...I miss you ......xx
Some friends are in your life for a reason
Some friends are in your life for a season
Some friends are in your life forever....
Over the years I have seen this happen in my friendships...and its only been the last few years I have began to take this into my spirit. I have often tried to keep a friendship going way too long after the reason or season that they were a part of...eg..the school gate mum who your children shared play dates with...the friend who helps you out with lifts for the school run or after an school activity. The friend who you share an interest with eg badminton or book clubs ....the friend who moved away that seems to fizzle out into Christmas cards only.
But I haven't written a blog entry for a very long time because I have been completely wiped out by events happening in and around my family and my friends. Its been a tough few months ....my daughter has been so ill and in hospital several times...and two of my closest friends have been battling with cancer and another close friends husband has also had cancer. Our new grand-daughter was also in hospital for the first 14 weeks of her life and altho doing really well at home has a genetic condition which means a lot of medical care is needed .To add to all that I haven't been in the best of health myself and after almost five months of investigations and trying different medications I am left still with no clear diagnosis and a seemingly anxiety related oral dystonia which leaves me struggling to string two words together and is extremely distressing.
But this isn't what this blog is really about ...Its really about the gift of friendship.! The REAL women's conference at our church this year had as its theme Friendships and altho I didn't get to more than two sessions it was really good to hear what others feel about friendship and for all of the reasons above I wanted to share just a little about one gift of friendship that I have had the honour of having for 27 years.
Less than two weeks ago we attended the funeral and Thanksgiving service for my Dorset Buddy...I had the privilege of speaking at her Thanksgiving and in the few days between my "goodbye "visit and the actual Thanksgiving I was flooded by years and years of memories...I truly believe that she came into my life for all three of the reasons mentioned at the beginning of this entry.
The REASON she came into my life at the time she did was simply to walk through almost 3 decades of family life together...Holidays...Christmas times...Celebrations... The sharing of our children and the ups and downs of family life.
The SEASON she came into my life was that I sorely needed a friend who would accept me once I let her see behind my mask. We all live with various masks that we hide behind and as a new Christian I had my mask firmly in place ...but God used my friend to help me to be real. So far I honestly don't think that apart from Chris and one or two other friends really know the real me and accept me totally as I am. .My Dorset Buddy totally and lovingly helped me to be honest and vulnerable and she reciprocated and trust was built into our friendship from the very beginning.
Now comes the hard part of this entry...I truly believed that my Dorset Buddy would be in my life forever.....we had it all planned...who would push who in the wheelchair...how we would probably move in together if we became widows at similar times....how we would love our families as they got married and we became grandparents....The marathon yakking sessions we had.....the emails we sent to each other in between the monthly visits....the prayers that we shared together ....the wee jokes we had that no one else really understood....the memories....the laughter......we were surely going to be friends forever as well as for reasons and seasons.
Yet two years ago she was diagnosed with cancer and it was most likely terminal. ....this was not in either of our plans for our future friendship and suddenly it became even more important to spend time together. As Dorset is a two hour journey away it wasn't always easy to get there but we both made the effort involved......on my part with a two hour drive there and a two hour drive home for maybe only four hours together and on her part by making time for me and aiming to be as well as she could be as time wore on and the chemo wasn't going to heal her and as the symptoms became more and more debilitating it became even more important to enjoy the gift of friendship more than ever.
When I heard that she had been transferred to a hospice and it would be a matter of days I knew I had to see her one more time..I had actually seen her on my usual monthly visit and in fact had gone with her to her first Radiotherapy session and altho we had a lovely day together especially as both our daughters were together and both of our grandchildren were there too it was a very special day and I have a really lovely photo of both of us together which I now treasure as in the following weeks it became clear that her time was limited and we talked more about her "going to glory" than ever before. Within a month she was given only days and Paul said I could visit her on the Sunday.I had a glorious half hour with her in the Hospice .....I say glorious simply because we crammed as much love....joy...peace...laughter..prayer... tears....and the absolute belief what God was calling her to glory and that she wasn't frightened at all of dying. It was a precious half hour...I cant explain how precious...we both knew we were saying goodbye and even as I write this now my tears are dripping down...both sadness that she is no longer here but also joy in knowing she is with Jesus.
When I arrived at the hospice Paul had explained that she looked very ill...I guess so I wouldn't be shocked...but honestly all I could see was the friend I had known ...her spirit shone through the physical state she was in and even altho I could feel when I hugged her that her body was struggling she was still my friend inside . One thing we have always been together is tactile...we always hugged ..always held hands at times when needed...and this was one of those times. The entire time we talked we held hands...and when I knew I had to leave it was as if we couldn't actually let each go ...our hands seemed joined together and I know with not one shred of doubt that we have had the gift ...the precious gift of friendship and that last goodbye and the holding of our hands was symbolic of the truth that one day....one glorious day..we will be together again in glory.....so whilst I may not have her here on earth as a forever friend I know that ultimately we will always be friends forever.
It has been several weeks now since she died and her Thanksgiving and funeral ( which I must say was excellent...always seems strange to say that a funeral is excellent but we were not just mourning her death we were all celebrating her life and sharing what she meant to each of us )..and the hardest thing I am finding is simply ...she isn't here to share what's happening in my life. A big part of our friendship changed when they moved to Dorset...the daily interaction when we lived in the same town and attended the same church was gone and we relied more and more on emails and letters and phone calls and sleepovers and marathon talkathons...our record was 11 hours solid !!...I find myself thinking.." I must email her"...or "send her a text "...or I see a funny card and I buy it before I remember she isn't here anymore. I have just come home from a ten day holiday and I know that there would have been an email waiting in my inbox saying "how was it...tell me all the about it " and truly was surprised again that it wasn't there waiting for me !
Why am I writing all this ...firstly because I find that at times "writing is my route to happiness " but more importantly to honour my Dorset Buddy..and to honour THE GIFT OF FRIENDSHIP and to perhaps encourage all of us to not only appreciate the friends you have but also to look for ways to nurture that precious gift...who can tell when the time may come when you can no longer nurture it for many reasons.
My Dorset Friend was always a person who disliked being the centre of attention...and would.. I am sure be embarrassed not just at what I write about her but what others have said and felt and shared during her illness and her Funeral and Thanksgiving...and I have always referred to her as My Dorset Friend when I have perhaps shared a visit on Face Book as she was also a very private person and certainly didn't want every one knowing about her health or their sympathy and I respected that in the two years that she was fighting to live......But I will now refer to her no longer as My Dorset Buddy..but simply Bren... Pauls wife....Natalie and Danielles mummy ...Mother in Law to Jamie and Tim and Nona to the gorgeous Beaux...Precious Friend to many....
Bren...I miss you ......xx
Tuesday, 20 August 2013
Grannys Gap Year ...Finally Finished
Well....its all over and done with...sadly I felt it ended on a whimper rather than a bang but hey...I am 58 and no longer a spring chicken so when "running the race" I sometimes walk a little and take time out..BUT...the most important thing was that I DID finish...I didn't give up...I got to graduate...and its all done and dusted.
Looking back over the year I learnt so much...especially about myself....my character...my personality..my strengths and my weaknesses. I learnt the hard way that when life and circumstances knock me down that there are times to get back up and carry on but there are also times to just say..."okay Lord....I am down ...what are you saying to me "
I completed five out of the six assignments and racked up one merit and four distinctions which for this granny brain that has had no education since I was 16 that is an achievement that I am very pleased with !...I got to preach at one of the 10/10 Sundays ...and I was very pleased with that too....I got to hang out with some amazing youngsters on the course and they were such a blessing and reminded me that God is on the move in a whole new generation. I was privileged to be taught by some members of the church who opened my eyes to new things of God and the bible.
I have some precious memories of my Sundays with the children's work and this sustained me week by week again showing me that God is on the move inspiring a generation of children who will grow up with the knowledge that God loves them and cares for them . I was mentored by Yvonne as my line manager and Caroline ...both women I have known as friends for many years and know that God has done a work in me through their encouragement and their faith in me.
The last 3-4 months when life events overwhelmed not just me but it seemed like our entire family was knocked down and out I was still supported daily in one way or another....a meal brought round..a text sent...a prayer answered..a shoulder to cry on...a community who surrounded me with love and encouragement ..that made no demands on me other than what I could do..
So as one season ends for me and a new season begins...I am just sitting at the feet of Jesus and not looking for anything other than his presence..his peace ..his joy.... My diary is very empty and there are days with nothing written down and whilst that is daunting in many ways I know its what God has planned for me. I am not used to big chunks of time with no agenda...nothing planned so its all a new season for me.
My main aim at present is to get my ongoing health problems sorted....without going into too many details suffice to say I am not doing too well and its a daily slog to keep pressing on with medication and doctors appointments and therapy . I am currently waiting on neurological consults in September with some quite scary conditions mentioned that I am being tested for so I am definitely trusting God for the right outcome. I am also trusting God for the restoration of health for my daughter Catriona who has been so poorly for weeks and its a daily prayer asking God to heal and restore her to full health. I have several of my closest friends going through major health issues as well so trusting God for all of this and praying daily for them.
My life verse which I also use at the beginning of my blog is from Philippians Ch 3 verse 12 and it says this...
"Not that I have already obtained all this or have already arrived at my goal,but I press on to take hold of that which Christ Jesus took hold of me ."
So...where to from here as I press on....I really have no idea but I am just going to keep heading towards the finishing line and see what God has in store for me in the coming year. Granny's Gap Year is finished but not me....I am still going and living with the motto
" If you are not dead you are not done !
Looking back over the year I learnt so much...especially about myself....my character...my personality..my strengths and my weaknesses. I learnt the hard way that when life and circumstances knock me down that there are times to get back up and carry on but there are also times to just say..."okay Lord....I am down ...what are you saying to me "
I completed five out of the six assignments and racked up one merit and four distinctions which for this granny brain that has had no education since I was 16 that is an achievement that I am very pleased with !...I got to preach at one of the 10/10 Sundays ...and I was very pleased with that too....I got to hang out with some amazing youngsters on the course and they were such a blessing and reminded me that God is on the move in a whole new generation. I was privileged to be taught by some members of the church who opened my eyes to new things of God and the bible.
I have some precious memories of my Sundays with the children's work and this sustained me week by week again showing me that God is on the move inspiring a generation of children who will grow up with the knowledge that God loves them and cares for them . I was mentored by Yvonne as my line manager and Caroline ...both women I have known as friends for many years and know that God has done a work in me through their encouragement and their faith in me.
The last 3-4 months when life events overwhelmed not just me but it seemed like our entire family was knocked down and out I was still supported daily in one way or another....a meal brought round..a text sent...a prayer answered..a shoulder to cry on...a community who surrounded me with love and encouragement ..that made no demands on me other than what I could do..
So as one season ends for me and a new season begins...I am just sitting at the feet of Jesus and not looking for anything other than his presence..his peace ..his joy.... My diary is very empty and there are days with nothing written down and whilst that is daunting in many ways I know its what God has planned for me. I am not used to big chunks of time with no agenda...nothing planned so its all a new season for me.
My main aim at present is to get my ongoing health problems sorted....without going into too many details suffice to say I am not doing too well and its a daily slog to keep pressing on with medication and doctors appointments and therapy . I am currently waiting on neurological consults in September with some quite scary conditions mentioned that I am being tested for so I am definitely trusting God for the right outcome. I am also trusting God for the restoration of health for my daughter Catriona who has been so poorly for weeks and its a daily prayer asking God to heal and restore her to full health. I have several of my closest friends going through major health issues as well so trusting God for all of this and praying daily for them.
My life verse which I also use at the beginning of my blog is from Philippians Ch 3 verse 12 and it says this...
"Not that I have already obtained all this or have already arrived at my goal,but I press on to take hold of that which Christ Jesus took hold of me ."
So...where to from here as I press on....I really have no idea but I am just going to keep heading towards the finishing line and see what God has in store for me in the coming year. Granny's Gap Year is finished but not me....I am still going and living with the motto
" If you are not dead you are not done !
Monday, 8 July 2013
THE GAP...IN THE GAP...IN GRANNYS GAP YEAR.
I have already written last time about the "Gap! " in my gap year....and very soon my title of Granny's Gap Year will cease to be as I am due to finish Academy in two weeks time...I say "finish" instead of " graduate" as I have missed so much in last three months I wonder if the word "graduate" really is justified...but in the grand scheme of things whether its called Graduation Sunday or just Sunday 21st July that's it .....done and dusted..
I am writing this blog entry and as you can see from the title its about another GAP...and I hear you say...how many GAPS is this granny having and what on earth is she waffling about. This entry is because I wanted anyone who reads or follows my blog to know about GAPS...as I sure that everyone has had a GAP of some sort or another .
Two of the dictionary definitions of the word "GAP" is as follows
" A break in the line of defences "
"An interruption of continuity"
As a now seasoned commuter to Great Ormond Street Hospital ( GOSH ) I hear all the time the automated voice telling me " to mind the gap "after a few times I almost want to shout loudly...."okay okay I AM minding the jolly GAP...shut up !! " but of course wouldn't dream of disturbing the comatose commuters who are electronically connected to ipods...ipads...laptops ..tablets...newspapers ..books...or heaven forbid actually talking to each other and as for eye contact or a smile ...no chance...I at times have wished for the gap to open and swallow them up. There is something altogether weird seeing people try to read newspapers on an escalator. Truly bizarre.
Any way ...these new GAPS I am talking about are surely in the definitions listed above.
1) a break in the line of defence....these last few weeks I have felt completely defenceless against all that has been happening in and around my family unit and my friends...I have lacked the emotional energy to keep pressing on ...and running the race...and lifting my eyes to the hills and standing firm on the rock and all the other keys to defending my spirit and my well being...I have been so grateful for those who have stood in the gap for me and minded my gap for me...from praying..to ironing to keeping me company...to making me laugh ...to letting me cry...to buying me lunch ..to holding me when it has all got too much...thank you
2) an interruption of continuity...well I can confidently say that this last few weeks has definitely been interrupted by all sorts of family crisis...and it has affected not only Academy times...Family life. Work commitments ...Social life ( what is that again ?)..My sleep ..My health and My sense of peace....and again I am grateful for those who have hung around and held me up and pushed me on and shoved me in front and generally loved me when small pieces of snot and tears have dripped onto their clothes...
This last four days in particular has seen once more three distinct and different GAPS ...one not so great ..one awful and finally an amazing "interruption of continuity".
The first GAP being Cat ( my daughter ) and I gaily on our way to see the Dorset buddy...her daughter and delightful grandchild...for the first visit in a very long time so we were all excited ...weather was warm. The mummy's were going to the beach while the Dorset buddy and me caught up on life....unfortunately half way there Cat began to feel unwell...its very long story and I will brush over the 999 call on the hard shoulder of the M3 suffice to say Cat is still in hospital and now after scan and tests has got hooked up to an IV for antibiotics and hopefully home this week "the break in continuity "of our lives with Cat not being here is incredibly hard for her being stuck in a dementia ward with a gaggle of old ladies and for Nick Eli and us as we have to sort life out....so this GAP in Granny's Gap year has meant we are all planning our days down to the last second to ensure we all get to our commitments and get to visit and sort out Elisha and again I am grateful for those who have helped us out in all of these ways.
The second GAP is once again me and this dratted anxiety...I had the dystonia sorted and was able to chat and talk quite normally and wham "the break in continuity " happened again...it hit me again on Friday evening by Saturday morning at 6.40am after maybe two hours sleep I woke feeling so ill....I couldn't stop crying...my shoulders felt like they were moulded to my ears I was so tense I was stuttering...the day just disappeared in a haze of meds and sleep and just relying on others to sort out everyone else.
The final GAP....is actually the most amazing one of all...and one I just believe 100% that God engineered it just for me ...( He can do this you know..stir up a GAP that will bless and help us to know He still is there..still caring for us...still working it all to the good and definitely strengthening us when all else around us seems to indicate that the "interruption of continuity " is always a grotty thing. Whilst visiting Orlaith in GOSH today her cannula somehow (!) or other got dislodged and as this was the only thing anchoring her to all the machines ....suddenly she was free!!..I was holding her at the time and instead of being stuck in a sort of 2 foot square area of the room and not able to move around much there I was with our amazing babe and I immmediately felt a lift in my heart and spirit. I walked around saying.."wow this is good Orlaith its almost like we could walk right out of here and go home ! We waltzed over to the bed area where Mummy and Daddy and Grannys and Aunties sleep (!)and we lay down together for seven glorious minutes...it was such a small thing but wow did I feel blessed and lifted and refreshed . Life was suddenly good again for seven whole minutes . an amazing "interruption of continuity "
This last few weeks I have only been able to connect with God through listening to worship songs and singing along and one song is always uppermost in my insomniac karaoke sessions.
" All of my life...in every season...you are still God and I have a reason to sing ...I have a reason to worship."
Enjoy looking at todays GAP.
I am writing this blog entry and as you can see from the title its about another GAP...and I hear you say...how many GAPS is this granny having and what on earth is she waffling about. This entry is because I wanted anyone who reads or follows my blog to know about GAPS...as I sure that everyone has had a GAP of some sort or another .
Two of the dictionary definitions of the word "GAP" is as follows
" A break in the line of defences "
"An interruption of continuity"
As a now seasoned commuter to Great Ormond Street Hospital ( GOSH ) I hear all the time the automated voice telling me " to mind the gap "after a few times I almost want to shout loudly...."okay okay I AM minding the jolly GAP...shut up !! " but of course wouldn't dream of disturbing the comatose commuters who are electronically connected to ipods...ipads...laptops ..tablets...newspapers ..books...or heaven forbid actually talking to each other and as for eye contact or a smile ...no chance...I at times have wished for the gap to open and swallow them up. There is something altogether weird seeing people try to read newspapers on an escalator. Truly bizarre.
Any way ...these new GAPS I am talking about are surely in the definitions listed above.
1) a break in the line of defence....these last few weeks I have felt completely defenceless against all that has been happening in and around my family unit and my friends...I have lacked the emotional energy to keep pressing on ...and running the race...and lifting my eyes to the hills and standing firm on the rock and all the other keys to defending my spirit and my well being...I have been so grateful for those who have stood in the gap for me and minded my gap for me...from praying..to ironing to keeping me company...to making me laugh ...to letting me cry...to buying me lunch ..to holding me when it has all got too much...thank you
2) an interruption of continuity...well I can confidently say that this last few weeks has definitely been interrupted by all sorts of family crisis...and it has affected not only Academy times...Family life. Work commitments ...Social life ( what is that again ?)..My sleep ..My health and My sense of peace....and again I am grateful for those who have hung around and held me up and pushed me on and shoved me in front and generally loved me when small pieces of snot and tears have dripped onto their clothes...
This last four days in particular has seen once more three distinct and different GAPS ...one not so great ..one awful and finally an amazing "interruption of continuity".
The first GAP being Cat ( my daughter ) and I gaily on our way to see the Dorset buddy...her daughter and delightful grandchild...for the first visit in a very long time so we were all excited ...weather was warm. The mummy's were going to the beach while the Dorset buddy and me caught up on life....unfortunately half way there Cat began to feel unwell...its very long story and I will brush over the 999 call on the hard shoulder of the M3 suffice to say Cat is still in hospital and now after scan and tests has got hooked up to an IV for antibiotics and hopefully home this week "the break in continuity "of our lives with Cat not being here is incredibly hard for her being stuck in a dementia ward with a gaggle of old ladies and for Nick Eli and us as we have to sort life out....so this GAP in Granny's Gap year has meant we are all planning our days down to the last second to ensure we all get to our commitments and get to visit and sort out Elisha and again I am grateful for those who have helped us out in all of these ways.
The second GAP is once again me and this dratted anxiety...I had the dystonia sorted and was able to chat and talk quite normally and wham "the break in continuity " happened again...it hit me again on Friday evening by Saturday morning at 6.40am after maybe two hours sleep I woke feeling so ill....I couldn't stop crying...my shoulders felt like they were moulded to my ears I was so tense I was stuttering...the day just disappeared in a haze of meds and sleep and just relying on others to sort out everyone else.
The final GAP....is actually the most amazing one of all...and one I just believe 100% that God engineered it just for me ...( He can do this you know..stir up a GAP that will bless and help us to know He still is there..still caring for us...still working it all to the good and definitely strengthening us when all else around us seems to indicate that the "interruption of continuity " is always a grotty thing. Whilst visiting Orlaith in GOSH today her cannula somehow (!) or other got dislodged and as this was the only thing anchoring her to all the machines ....suddenly she was free!!..I was holding her at the time and instead of being stuck in a sort of 2 foot square area of the room and not able to move around much there I was with our amazing babe and I immmediately felt a lift in my heart and spirit. I walked around saying.."wow this is good Orlaith its almost like we could walk right out of here and go home ! We waltzed over to the bed area where Mummy and Daddy and Grannys and Aunties sleep (!)and we lay down together for seven glorious minutes...it was such a small thing but wow did I feel blessed and lifted and refreshed . Life was suddenly good again for seven whole minutes . an amazing "interruption of continuity "
This last few weeks I have only been able to connect with God through listening to worship songs and singing along and one song is always uppermost in my insomniac karaoke sessions.
" All of my life...in every season...you are still God and I have a reason to sing ...I have a reason to worship."
Enjoy looking at todays GAP.
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