The REAL Me part two

Picking up on my last blog post....I thought I would share answers to the questions that were on the Peter Scazzero Sheets we were given at REAL...maybe you can use them and think about what you would answer.

Question one.....What nurtures your spirit and fills you with delight??

My answer to that has always been pretty much the same....my husband nurtures my spirit..spending time dawdling around on Saturdays with Chris....wandering around the shops ...watching DVDs....going to the beach ....love my time with Chris,,,,add on to that the time we spend as a family...its rare...maybe only 3 times a year when we are all in the same place at same time but we usually manage various combinations fairly regularly and this always nurtures my spirit....we just eat together...walk together..watch telly together...walk the pooches together..just generally hang out...I always feel at peace when we get to spend time together....this nurtures my spirit....Workwise....I get to hang out with a great young man in the guise of work and he nurtures my spirit as we laugh at things together and go here there and everywhere ...he never gets in a bad mood or grumpy he is genuinely a great young man. and then finally....my grand children....I don't see too much of Mathilda but she is just the best 12 year old ever and I love her honesty and sense of fun as well as the fact she is just an all round great young woman....and of course Elisha....God sent this wee boy into our lives purely to bring us joy and definitely to nurture my spirit.

Question Two.....What do you need to avoid?? What pulls you away from anchoring in Christ??

This was the question that started the tears flowing as I thought through the many ways and many times I can be pulled away from Jesus.....the laziness....the gossip....the pity parties....the lack of self care....the endless need for affirmation from others....friendships that aren't Godly....Relationships that I need to get sorted...unforgiveness....Oh I could go on and on....but as I listed some things on the day I also felt as if I had pulled a plug and was letting it all drain away with the tears....As I cried and just let Christ touch me afresh I could just feel his peace and grace flowing into my spirit....its times like these I am grateful for GRACE......and MERCY....and his all knowing FORGIVENESS.....

Question Three....What are your personal "have to " list in this season of your life that will impact your rhythm??

This was harder to answer and I am still thinking this one through....the most important thing I have put into action is mainly relationally....I am working through  areas where I know that God wants me to put right  There are several friendships that have veered off course and I know I have to get myself back into good relationships with people who will build me up ..."take me up in their lift " and that I also need to ensure that I am personally "clean" and not saying or doing anything that would ensnare others....
The other main area that will hopefully impact my Rhythm of Life is getting a routine established for regular prayer and regular bible time...because I tend to work at home it can be all too easy to slip into bad habits and laziness....all wrapped up in the excuse of looking after children and working with my young man...BUT I know deep down this is an excuse...I can and want to develop a good daily habit of time with God...ask me about that in a few weeks time as I aim to get a new Rhythm going....

I wonder....did anyone else get time to answer these questions...I would love to know how you answered and if it had a similar impact with you as it did with me.

The REAL Me

It seems as tho the REAL conference was sooooo long ago and I haven't had a chance to blog it but this week I have found myself reading my notes again and thinking back to what God was saying through the amazing speakers. I take weeks to assimilate my notes and even when I do it often just ends up being "one thing"....I loved hearing Shauna speak...I loved her books and in the flesh she was amazingly REAL....Catrina ,.as always was very REAL and having Simon speaking as well was bordering on more than REAL !!!....

I was stewarding and serving sometimes can take the edge of being fully into the conference as people may need help or advice or info and it is difficult to engage all the time but I was gripped by the afternoon session which gave us some time to reflect and write out some thoughts....This I had seen when Peter Scazzaro spoke earlier on in the year and really hadn't given it much time or thought,,,,Peter wrote the book "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality " which I have been reading and doing the workbook so maybe I was a bit more prepared this time round and open to what God was saying.


The sheet of paper we were given to write on had separate sections headlined....

Relationships
Rest
Work
Prayer


We were encouraged to have an inner dialogue with God about each of these areas and to write down any of the things that were out of balance...eg...do we work work work and not give time to rest....how were our relationships ...our marriage.... what kind of prayer life do we have...or not have ...you get the drift....

I spent a fair bit of time writing and thinking and was amazed at how out of balance I felt I have been...sometimes you just have to take some time out and reflect honestly with yourself don't you??

The other side of the page was an encouragement to create a "RULE OF LIFE"...Peter Scazzaro says the

 A Rule of Life is like a Trellis that helps us to abide in Christ and become more fruitful spiritually. Its our unique combination of Spiritual Practices that help us to keep God at the centre of who we are and what we do .


1) What nurtures your spirit and fills you with delight?
2)What do you need to avoid/??what pulls you away from anchoring in Christ?
3)What are your personal "have to do" in this season that will impact your rhythm?

If I am perfectly honest I will say that I spent the next few minutes crying...from somewhere deep inside the tears just flowed...I felt really silly because I wasn't sad...I wasn't doing anything wrong in my life I just felt as if I had stumbled into something that God had been trying to get my attention to for a long time and being at REAL meant He could finally get me to pay attention. As I was serving I didn't feel I could fall apart so I had a quick walk to the loo....its amazing how many women end up in the loo at times like this...I passed several on the way in and several on the way out...none of us meeting the others eyes !!!! Just a sort of cameradie that said..".I understand and will leave you alone "

Since REAL....I have spent some more time reading Peters book and looking over my Rule of Life and trying to put some of it  into action....I will hopefully blog more about how I am doing in the next few days.

I wonder how others are doing? ....were you impacted by Peters work sheet?....have you created a Rule of Life?.....I am always amazed that so many people can sit listening to the same speaker yet get so many different things from the same message....God knows each of us intimately and knows exactly what we need to hear for our season in life...Our God is truly "ours" in every sense of the word.

IS THIS A VIABLE IDEA OR JUST A DREAM

For several years now I have been dreaming....you know how Simon Benham our lead Elder encourages us all to dream....to think big...to believe we can do things....and at many other times we have had preaching along similar lines...to go back to God and ask Him for dreams....to pray into dreams we may have already had....or to renew and review dreams we have laid aside or forgotten about.

I know several other friends who have been dreaming too...for longer that I have and yet still haven't seen the timing being right and just watching them dig deep into God and looking at all times to see how...or when...the dreams can begin to be a reality....has been such an encouragement to me.

Yesterday the preacher...Sola... didn't talk specifically  about dreams as such but he did encourage us to go back to God and to believe that God would and could answer our prayers...Whilst I prayed for someone in my family ....I also felt God nudge me gently again re this dream.... I have only ever spoken about it to the gorgeous man I have the amazing joy of being married to and shared with my best buddy in Bracknell...both of them have always been my greatest encourager's and both have said ...yeah go for it....

Its always a little scary when you actually get the dream out of your head and into words...somehow or other they become substance and take form and have life....and its even more difficult to retract them too. I have been following Ruth Buxton over the last 2 years as she has shared her dream of Noahs Coffee  House..her blog link is on my blog list so feel free to read her journey so far... I have loved her strength..her courage..her determination...her faith...her unshakable belief that God has given her this dream.. this destiny..... I am old enough to be her mother yet I feel so young and naive in my faith in comparison to hers.

My dream is nothing like hers...or indeed like any ones really....I think God gives us all different paths and journeys and dreams according to who we are and how our characters and personalities mature over our lives but it is up to us as to whether we take action or just carry on dreaming.

Let me share my dream....and I really ...really...really....would love your feedback...either email or message rather than comment on Fbook....please also feel free to "share" on your own news feed on Fbook....the more replies I get the better ...I have no idea re timing...or much of anything really I just want to get it out into the open and get some reaction to gauge whether this is the time for me to do something... do research.....or just to hold on for a little while longer.

I absolutely adore de-cluttering...my all time favourite activity is re-arranging my home....faced with an airing cupboard which if you open the door everything falls out...I can spend a happy afternoon sorting it out and colour coding and folding....My kitchen cupboards are completely in line with the actual needs of the space...eg...the cupboard above the dishwasher is where all the crockery lives so you don't have to move when emptying the dishwasher....the cupboard above the kettle is where you will find the mugs...the tea..the coffee and the sugar...the cutlery drawer is on the right and the fridge is on the left...you don't even have to move your feet...only the upper body.!!....My utility room is similar and also doubles as a changing area for babies...and again...the changing matt is directly under the cupboards where you will find the nappies and the cream etc...are you getting the idea.??

Our bedroom is small and compact with no wasted space at all...I can stand in front of the drawers and everything I need is right there...my underwear...my face cleanser...cotton wool....mirror....hairbrush hair-dryer....again I don't need to move my feet at all......The downstairs loo ...I can stand in front of the mirror and my make-up  is within reach....The child-minding paperwork is all filed in my filing cabinet...The child-minding toys are all in baskets and both myself and the children I care for all know what is in each basket without looking... I regularly go through the garden sheds...the loft..the garage and recycle or throw away or give away anything that isn't used or not needed...my lovely hubby takes it all to various recycling places or to other peoples homes...He is so used to me doing this and when the list appears for a Saturday we just get on and do it....recently we put a proper ladder for loft access and my greatest joy was actually getting up there for first time in 7 years...oooooh what fun I had and I know exactly what is up there now and exactly where it is

NOW...before you bombard me with some horrible label such as OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder ) I don't have that....honest...despite several of my friends joking about it constantly.....I have no desire to repeat actions over and over again...and I am not anywhere on the AS (autistic spectrum )...I just enjoy things having a place to stay...this stems from my childhood I know as with all the moving around we did I never knew where anything that belonged to me was...so I kinda guess living this way is my security blanket but seriously its actually something I enjoy.

I have a gorgeous daughter who sometimes lets me loose in her home and we have a couple of days when we restore order and I Love Love Love that.....I have a couple of friends who fearfully have invited me to help them sort out a room or look over the house and make suggestions etc....we even had one very trusting couple who left us their key and went to Australia whilst we de-cluttered and painted their living room...oh what fun I had...

So....For some time I have been thinking of offering this as a service...ie a business that would bring me income....I already work full time so it would have to start small and only be available around certain hours etc...but the BIG question is...would YOU....pay for some one to come into your home...or one room and work with you to de-clutter and / or make your storage work better...or your "junk" recycled...or your space utilised in a better way.....and don't forget the church is about to open K4...our charity shop in town so your clutter could fund the amazing community work our church does.

I am honestly interested in everyone's views and opinions...for and against....and any advice or information you think would be helpful....

ONE THING

You know those days when you have just a smidgen of free time....not enough time to go anywhere or do anything big....and you are up to date with most of the important stuff in the house..like a clean loo and not too many crumbs on the carpet and the bin isn't too overflowing.....those wee smidgens when you can just sit and let your mind wander??

Strangely I have had several days when I have had moments of mind wandering....I quite like this...especially if I don't fall asleep but manage to just let the thoughts go into free fall and go with them.

Some of these times I have felt like the "thought " has been like a bungee jump and whirled me down and down and down into a frightening thunderous dark place where I can only glance quickly and then be jettisoned back into reality with a grateful sigh....that I haven't had to stay there too long and examine the thought.

BUT...in the last few weeks I had some time out....Holidays...Conferences and some days at Fourteen ( our church organises amazing Retreat Days ) and rather than hurtle down into the abyss I have been intentional and made myself look at the dark places in some detail knowing I was in safe places and that God would be with me.

Pete Scazzero says in his book....Emotionally Healthy Spirituality..." The sad reality is most of us will not go forward until the pain of staying where we are becomes unbearable " This spoke to me in so many ways....

At the grand old age of 57 (yeah I know..none of you even suspected I was 50 did you ??)...I recognise that many seasons of my life have been slowed down and influenced by the pain of my childhood and now as there are most definitely less days ahead than there are behind me I am more and more ready to "move forward ".

At a recent Cherish conference one of the speakers used the scripture from one of Paul's letters..

Philippians ch 3 verses 12-14....Not that I have already obtained all this ,or have already been made perfect,but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it .But ONE THING I DO ; forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead,  I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenwards in Christ Jesus.


The speaker reminded us that Paul wrote this letter whilst he was actually in prison...he was still "pressing on" in his spirit towards the greater prize. The challenge was to reflect on how much of our past or present circumstances where we were allowing to prevent us from pressing on. We were also invited to ask God to imprint THE ONE THING deep into our hearts...mind...spirit and soul.....THE ONE THING....to keep pressing on....not to let anyone or anything stop us from pressing on towards the goal....

In the last few days as I have had these wee smidgens of time...reading and reflecting and looking back at my journals and chatting with friends I have realised afresh that I have forgotten THE ONE THING and today I have made the decision to "forget what is behind " and to "press on "..I have made some pretty radical decisions...more of which will be shared about in future blogs so watch this space !!

I am scared...excited...apprehensive...determined....all wrapped into THE ONE THING........

WHY??....THE ETERNAL QUESTION??

The word...WHY....is one which small children ask from a very early age.... Why is the sky blue?? Why are you a girl?? Why do I have to go to bed?? Why do I need to eat my greens?? Why does that man have a big fat tummy?? You know what I mean??...its the main word that after a few of them asked in the most annoying voice repeated over and over can result in the parent saying..." I dont know why"...or just that one word "Because..!!" This word...WHY...stays in everyones vocabulary all throughout their lives...I guess there are lots of people who are asking the word WHY about something in their lives right now and is maybe not getting any other answer other than the ones mentioned above..." I dont know "...or " Because " Some of those questions that are weaving their way through my life right now are tough ones that I may never know the answer to...some of them I know I will get some sort of answer any day now....and its the reconciling of this that can be so hard. Many years ago when I was a very new Christian I used to say to my friend.."when I get to heaven I will have a few questions to ask of God " My wise friend used to say to me "when you get to Heaven you will be so overwhelmed by Gods holiness the questions will fade un-noticed "... So ....here are some of my questions ...I cant wait till I get to Heaven so I am going to seek the only one who can either give me the answers or at the very least give me some sort of peace and reconciliation that will enable my broken heart to heal and help me to breathe again without it hurting. Why is my child going through this ongoing heartache?? Why is my Dorset buddy going through cancer?? Why am I unable to fix things?? Why does it seem so unfair?? Why did I lose two of my brothers to suicide?? Why did both my parents die without me being reconciled to them?? Why do I continue to struggle with thoughts that no-one would want to know about?? I believe 100% that My Saviour and God is big enough to take these questions and to bring me close and to shelter me under The Shadow of his Wings until the storm of pain has passed and the quiet of peace floods in...I am looking and seeking earnestly for that day and know it will be here soon...but for today and maybe tomorrow and maybe even the day after the uppermost thought in my mind is WHY.....

BLEURGH

Do you ever have days when you just go...Bleurgh..!!! This day was one of those...I woke early as working..got up..showered and breakfasted and then it all just caved in.

I spent half hour texting and making arrangements and then just thought ..Bleurgh...I then spent 10 mins cancelling the arrangements and spent the morning just going...Bleurgh...

The afternoon brightened slightly as I went out and was amongst other people but very soon ..I was telling them I was having one of those ..Bleurgh days..!!

It didnt get much better but at least I was with friends who I could be ..Bleurgh with.

Days like this confuse me...when there is no reason for the Bleurgh I then reflect on it and try and seek out the why ..or the how...and as of now I still have no real reason for Bleurgh.

I am going to have an early night with my book and see if a rest and a good nights sleep will chase away the Bleurgh.

One Year On......

On 4th January 2011 I made a life changing decision....I made the decision to have a Gastric Bypass and began the process of research and costing. The NHS would not help me as I was actually quite "healthy" and had none of the Co-morbidity's such as diabetes or high blood pressure so the only route open to me was to go privately. We had been debt free for over a year and God has been so good to us in the whole realm of finances so we were in the situation where we had funds available to us and both Chris and I felt that the huge cost would be an investment that could make a huge difference to my quality of life and certainly would increase my life expectancy.

I weighed myself on 4th January 2011 and the scales touched 20 stone 9lbs and I was wearing clothes that were size 24/26...my BMI was 52 and I was in the "super morbidly obese category " this was the heaviest I have ever been and I was so depressed....I think I cried for days ! I contacted via the Internet a surgeon and was quickly given an appointment later in January and began the process of appointments that resulted in my surgery being booked for a few weeks later.

For someone like me this in itself was a huge undertaking...I have a real phobia with needles and any kind of medical procedure..I need to lie down when blood samples are required and for things like smear tests I need to take diazepam.!!! I really really really don't do hospitals. The surgeon and staff were excellent and altho I wept a lot at the various appointments I finally went to theatre early on the morning of the 26th Feb. . The stay in hospital was 4 days and a lovely mix of morphine and sleep as well as constant walking up and down the corridor ...dragging my drips / catheter and various attachments with me..

Gastric Bypass surgery is not for the faint hearted and altho it is a keyhole surgery it is still major intervention...my stomach is cut so I have only a small pouch..think goose egg size ...and the rest is stapled off and left in situ....this small pouch is then re-connected to the small intestine..bypassing a few feet of this so that not only can I only eat very small portions but the absorption rate is also slowed down due to minimal intestinal area. It is also non -reversible and is for life. The next few weeks were a gigantic learning curve ...liquids only for 4 weeks...pureed food for next 4 weeks...mashed food for the 4 weeks after that then introducing ordinary food one food group at a time. There are some foods which I cant tolerate and result in illness....nausea or sitting on the loo...so it has been a few months of trial and error. This last 3 months life has begun to revert back to some semblance of normality as I pretty much know what I can and cannot eat and I very definitely know the actual portion size I can cope with....(think very small )

So....one year on what changes have occurred and was it worth it???

Well....I weighed myself this morning and the scales touched on 12 stones 8 lbs...so I have lost just over 8 stones...and my clothes size is approx 14/16 depending on where I buy and what style ....my BMI is 29 and altho I am still in the obese range I am not morbid or super anything.!! I have lost the predicted 70% weight reduction and whilst I was losing a stone per month I have slowed down as expected to approx 5lbs per month and probably will settle round about the 11 stone mark which should give me a BMI in the healthy range and weight classification as normal .

It has been an interesting process for me discovering aspects of myself which have encouraged me but also which I know I still have to work on. It is very true that weight doesn't really affect who we are deep down ...altho it does affect greatly how we function. I am still the same person with the same failings...the same character flaws ....but because I am not labouring under so much unhealthy - ness I am more able to deal with the day to day stuff that comes my way. I have more energy...more joy...more hope...more peace....more determination...more confidence....

So....what are the huge plus points .... the compliments are lovely....altho I do smile when the odd person says..."don't you go wasting away now."....I love shopping for clothes and being cross because the garment I like doesn't come in smaller sizes...what a hoot that is ! I still sometimes change my outfit several times before I go out...but now its because I have a great choice rather than hating how I look. I don't mind getting my photos taken....I can get down on my knees and play with Elisha...I can walk further and quicker than before. I don't have mysterious aches and pains....loads more but wont bore you.

The biggest negative is one which I realised only in this last month...and it surely is a spiritual battle which I may be destined to fight for quite some time. It reminds me of Paul when he wrote about the "thorn in the flesh " that he prayed for God to remove it from him....I have written in past blog entries about "thorns" and about some areas where I am still living in "the shadow of victory" and this particular thorn is still with me ... The desire to eat wrong food....I have never eaten huge amounts of what I call ordinary food..eg..potato..meat..bread etc...my overeating has always been sweet things...chocolate and ice cream and biscuits etc I have been shocked that I still want to eat these even when I know I cant and shouldnt and it could make me ill....Over the festive season I have nibbled away at things like shortbread...chocolate yule log etc and paid the price the following day. The emotions behind the sweet addiction are still there...surgery only dealt with the physical aspect of my over eating not the emotional reasons and I am setting my face towards God in 2012 in the hope that He will enable me to win through.

As friends have asked me how I am losing weight I have been honest and told them...and I have had several conversations with women who have dieted for years...like me dieting is the thing they can do and do well...but maintaining a healthy weight is the difficult part.Several times these conversations have led to tears as they have shared how they are weary of the fight!! I am so aware this is a battle field for many of us and have such empathy for those who are still struggling. It has made me also think about how we as a society view obesity . I truly believe it is an "illness" and I am not using this as a cop out but for me it has never been a simple case of " lose weight"...there are many reasons behind why I was overweight and eating too much is way too simplistic. It is an addiction but unlike other addictions it is portrayed as being easy to overcome....with so many TV programmes dedicated to dieting..so many magazine articles...so many celebrities pushing their latest DVD , We also embrace obesity as part and parcel of life...it is acceptable to offer the overweight person a piece of cake or buy them chocolates...yet we wouldn't dream of offering heroin to a drug addict or a large whisky to an alcoholic. I have no idea how I can change the way we view obesity.....or how I can be of help to others...maybe this is yet another dimension to my life that God has chosen for me to think and pray about.