I am still home alone as Chris wont be home till Monday afternoon...hopefully with Oskar the pooch too and then Andrew will be back Tuesday.....it has been a funny old time this last few days especially coming straight after Willow...to have so much input and be amongst so many people to then being alone.! I am so grateful for good friends who have spent time with me over weekend and of course Matthew who is always good company too.
I wanted to share about some of the ways in which God seemed to take each of my worries and almost make them disappear...or at least fade into insignificance. I am hesitant to say I am completely changed as it wont really be evident till faced with another trip of a similar type but suffice to say that during the event itself I wasn't much stressed at all.
The people who we stayed with were magnificent and I had no trouble hearing them and hanging out with them.....they were interested in us and interesting to be around and after the first night time stroll to the bathroom when the squeaky floorboard sounded I just thought "there is nothing I can do about it " and just forgot it really.When the other guest from Bracknell arrived I thought I would feel self conscious about perhaps meeting him in the night but again God just seemed to step in and it didn't happen. Somehow or other whenever one of us needed the loo or shower it was open and available...I wonder if God orchestrates wee-ing??!!! and the hosts provided air freshener...LOL...so yet another slight worry averted.
I have to commend the young guy who shared with us....he was fab and it was great to get to know him better ..altho we did take the mickey out of him a fair bit he was lovely and I was incredibly impressed with his outlook on God...life ...Church ..marriage...relationships.....Oh that God would raise up a generation of young people with his spirit.
The anxiety about whether I would hear okay was immediately put to rest as the sound/audio in the auditorium was magnificent and altho the cameras didn't stay on the speakers faces every second I didn't miss more than the odd word or punchline and it didn't seem to matter where we sat the standard of audio was the same.I was able to relax completely after the first session and this in itself was a gift from God in such a huge and strange setting.
The worry about hanging out with the Bracknell gang had been alleviated somewhat before we went and Simon and Catrina had sent out a suggested itinerary to us all so that helped us to know that on certain days or evenings we would be all together or with our hosts etc and this worked very well from our point of view. Catrina also had a coffee with me before we went to share stuff like eg did we need coats..cardigans...what the loos were like..all the stuff girlies need to know !!!..Chris and I spent good chunks of time with our hosts and then on our own or with the others and we felt completely included. I have to say a big thank you to Catrina and Simon as the texted us daily to let us know where they were or where they were sitting.... and I felt they looked after us ...but not in a patronising way but in a genuine "we care about you." way .At each of the coffee breaks we generally had a few minutes with one or other of the group in between queuing for the loo...it was kinda cool to actually see a long line of guys waiting to pee...its not often the line for the ladies is the same length as the gents.!!
We also had a chance to catch up with old buddies the Dalziels who used to attend our church and it was lovely to hear about what God was doing with them and their children.
One of the most significant times that God spoke to me clearly wasn't in any of the sessions but at the end of the conference on the Friday evening we all went to a restaurant to eat together...again this usually would bring me out in anxiety and many times over the years I would have made excuses for this kind of social gathering and not gone...but I was determined to break through and as we arrived and 13 of us sat down I sat sort of in the middle so I would be able to hear from both sides and opposite me..( for those of you with no hearing disability this kind of strategy is probably completely alien but for me it is a minefield I have to walk through sometimes on a daily basis so I am well practiced ).The ambient noise was quite high as the restaurant was busy and music was playing and I panic-ed a bit and spent a fair bit of time reading the menu and thinking of how I could duck and run.In these times it is always when the enemy whispers other lies to me...its difficult to explain clearly but its as if I am cut off from hearing others and it creates a vacuum and because I am stressed I tune into the wrong voice.Usually the voice says stuff like..
*why are you here
*no-one will talk to you
*you will have to admit you are deaf
*they will make jokes and say "pardon...eh??"(believe me when I say if I had 5.00 for every time someone said that to me after I explain I cant hear well I would be a rich woman )
*Just withdraw and ignore everyone
*make humorous remarks and hog the conversation
Anyway just as I began to shut down I heard a still small voice ...."I have brought you to this banqueting table and my banner over you is love".it repeated the words several times and I found myself looking down the table at one half of the group then looking up the table at the other and the table was long and well laid out with table cloth and nice glasses etc and it looked a bit like a banqueting table.....and I felt a deep peace settle over me. People talk about a sense of Gods presence being tangible and probably for the first time in many years I felt completely surrounded by Gods love for me. As the bustle of ordering and settling down finished I felt my whole body..mind and spirit relax and I can honestly say I so enjoyed the evening.It may have been the first and only time I will ever eat a meal with any of them but I will long treasure it as special few hours. Perhaps if you asked each and every one of the group they would say."yes it was a good evening " but for me it had a much more significant meaning than just another meal out.
During the evening I had a conversation with Liz G......I think she reads my blog sometimes so I hope I don't embarrass her too much as she may not realise it but the 20 or so minutes where we had an "over the table " conversation encouraged me in some unexpected ways. First of all I am probably old enough to be her mum and again my old way of thinking would have me saying to myself "she cant possibly be interested in me" and yet she showed genuine interest in what I am involved with and asked me some fairly pointed questions!! A couple of times I tried to deflect the conversation and she brought me back to what she had asked and queried my answers enough for me to really think about what I was saying....I was challenged about a couple of "ruts that I thought were my horizons".. As we chatted she shared some of what God was saying to her about her life..family...church....gifting and I was just amazed at the maturity of this young woman!!...I felt as if I was in the presence of a giant ...I truly believe she and her hubby are leaders of a different spirit...the way Liz spoke about her children and her being a mum and how she felt God had gifted her in this season was a far cry from some of the mums I mix with in the course of being a childminder for the last two decades. This short 20 mins conversation has led me to believe I can sit at any table with anyone and
HIS banner over me will be love.
Yes... there were huge differences in who we all were in terms of age..experience..gifting...circumstances...leadership etc etc...but the one thing that brought us all to that table on that Friday evening was our faith in God and His love for each of us no matter what label we hang on ourselves other than son or daughter ...and for me all the other things on my worry list dissolved completely and the deep feelings of inadequacy which I had allowed to build a wall around me just crumbled under the banner of His love So Liz...if you are reading this...THANK YOU.
I will get onto the actual speakers at some point I promise but this conference for me was about far more than listening to the speakers...lets face it I can and do hear them every year at the Summit..(have I encouraged you to book in yet??)..it was about being who I am...me...with all my fears and hopes and dreams..it was about conquering a lifetime of insecurities...it was about allowing decades of wrong thinking being brought into line with what God thinks.This conference was about dropping our pride and being transparent and accepting financial help to get there ..about believing that people loved me/us enough to see beyond the mess of our debt and still say we were worth giving money to.It was way more than the speakers...it was almost an appointment with God that he had ordained for such a time as this .!! I asked Catrina before we went "would this be a life-changing conference" and I am 100% convinced that it has been and will continue to be as I work through all that has happened.
Finally....thank you to those who have commented on the blog....if it fails to get published let me know or resend to me...as I do feel that reading peoples comments also helps us to feel less isolated....isn't it funny that we all think we are the only ones who feel such anxieties and I believe it is a strategy of the enemy to keep us all silent and isolated and if my blog entries mean that you feel less alone and more "normal" then I am happy....and of course I am thrilled that I am not the only one who worries about their poos.!!!
Shadow Of Victory
Sunday, 16 August 2009
Saturday, 15 August 2009
August 15th Worrying about Willow
I thought I would do a little time shifting and cast my mind back to the thoughts I had about going to Willow Creek...well I say "thoughts" when I really mean worries ..anxieties...fears...stress and other negatives too many to list.!Let me list some of them and add explanations as to why I felt that way and then by the time I get to the end of entry you will perhaps have nodded off to sleep..feel free to skip this entry...but then again maybe you will find one or two points that you can identify with.
1)...A basic anxiety I have carried is staying in strangers houses....we have for many years used hotels and guest houses when visiting relatives and rarely stay overnight in friends homes...if you have read my earlier blogs you will know I had negative experiences growing up in other peoples houses and bedrooms so perhaps this isn't too hard to understand.
2)...I have a hearing disability which makes it difficult for me to understand accents and knowing I was going to be staying with Americans meant I worried about understanding them. One of the ways I combat this is to waffle...withdraw ... take over the conversation or deflect it with humour.
3)...As a woman of mature years (!) I tend to visit the loo several times in night and I was anxious about disturbing the hosts...flushing the loo...or worse still bumping into one of them or the other guest whilst in my nightie and with my bed hair.(!)..wouldnt you know it but our bedroom was the furthest away from the bathroom and we had to walk past the other guests bedroom and the host couples walking on squeaky floorboards.!!
4)...Still on the topic of bathrooms..how would we know when the shower was free?? and what if my poo smelled a bit.!!...(come on ..don't tell me you never think of stuff like this??!!)
5)...The other people in the Bracknell group were REAL leaders...I mean big time leaders...church leaders....church planters..
full time...paid...and included a senior pastor with 43 years under his belt (!) guess who??...and that was just our wee group of 13....the other 6,987 thousand...who knows what they were into or up to...what on earth were we doing there.?..Before we went I felt a complete fraud...an "add-on".This is a central low key anxiety I have carried most of my life..always thinking I was of no great worth and certainly not to be included in anything important.(again you may have to have read earlier blog entries.to understand some of these anxieties.)
6)...On a similar note the group I was part of were all friends with one another...and some were even related and none of them ...did we socialise with...hang out with or exchange birthday cards with and only 4 of them were from the same church where we had some common ground...so again I was stressed that we would be encroaching on their time together...or would they "take pity " on us and spend a bit of time making small talk to ensure we didn't feel left out...crazy huh??
7)...I was anxious about break times and meal times and where would we sit...would we be left on our own...would everyone pile off to have high powered discussions about leadership or top secret strategy meetings from which we would be excluded?? From very early on in adult life I learned to be independent and to in some ways
"be in control"....If I made the plans then it ensured I wouldn't be excluded...but of course this was a different kind of grouping and one in which I didn't feel I had any control over. Add to this a long seated fear of abandonment and you may guess this was one of the most stressful thought I had pre Willow.
8)...With my hearing disability I rely on good seating ..good lighting..being near enough to see faces and read lips and in an auditorium that seated 7,000 you can imagine my anxiety level soaring.....what would the sound be like..the acoustic level..the screens...the cameras on the faces rather than panning out etc.I didn't want to say to the group I needed to be near front as then we may have been "forced " to sit on our own so I had made the decision on the Wednesday when we had the tour that I would go with the flow....it was more important for me to be included with the group than it was for me to face exclusion to ensure good hearing.
9)...Staying at the hosts home was also fraught with anxiety...how much would they expect us to help...how much time would they want to spend with us..who else was staying..did they want to know about us ..really...or did they want to just provide the bed and get on with their own life...I have worried about this kind of thing all the time in the past and it had manifested itself in being quite unsocial...we rarely have people over for a meal because deep down I think no-one really wants to spend time with us....and as a consequence we rarely get invited to others and thus it confirms the mad thinking.!!
Ha...gotta tell you I have just been interrupted by a lovely friend Ruthie....bearing gifts of Starbucks,...which is Gods sense of humour that the minute I write about me thinking ..wrongly..about folk not wanting to spend time with me...up pops an unexpected proof of the way in which the enemy lies to us .!!! Ruthie..you are Gods gift to me in more ways than one...not least the Starbucks.
I wonder if at this point you may all be thinking ...heavens this girl is woefully insecure.....or maybe I am just woefully honest.!!! I have said so many times in this blog that "writing is my best chance of happiness" and even as I write this I can sense the inner peace which God planted in my spirit whilst at Willow take a stronger hold of me and I am hopeful that
"He who began a good work in me will carry in on..."
So..watch out for more blogs about how God worked in me whilst away with specific relevance to some of this list ....please feel free to email me or make comments....I like to hear from you...if only to let me know I am not alone....
1)...A basic anxiety I have carried is staying in strangers houses....we have for many years used hotels and guest houses when visiting relatives and rarely stay overnight in friends homes...if you have read my earlier blogs you will know I had negative experiences growing up in other peoples houses and bedrooms so perhaps this isn't too hard to understand.
2)...I have a hearing disability which makes it difficult for me to understand accents and knowing I was going to be staying with Americans meant I worried about understanding them. One of the ways I combat this is to waffle...withdraw ... take over the conversation or deflect it with humour.
3)...As a woman of mature years (!) I tend to visit the loo several times in night and I was anxious about disturbing the hosts...flushing the loo...or worse still bumping into one of them or the other guest whilst in my nightie and with my bed hair.(!)..wouldnt you know it but our bedroom was the furthest away from the bathroom and we had to walk past the other guests bedroom and the host couples walking on squeaky floorboards.!!
4)...Still on the topic of bathrooms..how would we know when the shower was free?? and what if my poo smelled a bit.!!...(come on ..don't tell me you never think of stuff like this??!!)
5)...The other people in the Bracknell group were REAL leaders...I mean big time leaders...church leaders....church planters..
full time...paid...and included a senior pastor with 43 years under his belt (!) guess who??...and that was just our wee group of 13....the other 6,987 thousand...who knows what they were into or up to...what on earth were we doing there.?..Before we went I felt a complete fraud...an "add-on".This is a central low key anxiety I have carried most of my life..always thinking I was of no great worth and certainly not to be included in anything important.(again you may have to have read earlier blog entries.to understand some of these anxieties.)
6)...On a similar note the group I was part of were all friends with one another...and some were even related and none of them ...did we socialise with...hang out with or exchange birthday cards with and only 4 of them were from the same church where we had some common ground...so again I was stressed that we would be encroaching on their time together...or would they "take pity " on us and spend a bit of time making small talk to ensure we didn't feel left out...crazy huh??
7)...I was anxious about break times and meal times and where would we sit...would we be left on our own...would everyone pile off to have high powered discussions about leadership or top secret strategy meetings from which we would be excluded?? From very early on in adult life I learned to be independent and to in some ways
"be in control"....If I made the plans then it ensured I wouldn't be excluded...but of course this was a different kind of grouping and one in which I didn't feel I had any control over. Add to this a long seated fear of abandonment and you may guess this was one of the most stressful thought I had pre Willow.
8)...With my hearing disability I rely on good seating ..good lighting..being near enough to see faces and read lips and in an auditorium that seated 7,000 you can imagine my anxiety level soaring.....what would the sound be like..the acoustic level..the screens...the cameras on the faces rather than panning out etc.I didn't want to say to the group I needed to be near front as then we may have been "forced " to sit on our own so I had made the decision on the Wednesday when we had the tour that I would go with the flow....it was more important for me to be included with the group than it was for me to face exclusion to ensure good hearing.
9)...Staying at the hosts home was also fraught with anxiety...how much would they expect us to help...how much time would they want to spend with us..who else was staying..did they want to know about us ..really...or did they want to just provide the bed and get on with their own life...I have worried about this kind of thing all the time in the past and it had manifested itself in being quite unsocial...we rarely have people over for a meal because deep down I think no-one really wants to spend time with us....and as a consequence we rarely get invited to others and thus it confirms the mad thinking.!!
Ha...gotta tell you I have just been interrupted by a lovely friend Ruthie....bearing gifts of Starbucks,...which is Gods sense of humour that the minute I write about me thinking ..wrongly..about folk not wanting to spend time with me...up pops an unexpected proof of the way in which the enemy lies to us .!!! Ruthie..you are Gods gift to me in more ways than one...not least the Starbucks.
I wonder if at this point you may all be thinking ...heavens this girl is woefully insecure.....or maybe I am just woefully honest.!!! I have said so many times in this blog that "writing is my best chance of happiness" and even as I write this I can sense the inner peace which God planted in my spirit whilst at Willow take a stronger hold of me and I am hopeful that
"He who began a good work in me will carry in on..."
So..watch out for more blogs about how God worked in me whilst away with specific relevance to some of this list ....please feel free to email me or make comments....I like to hear from you...if only to let me know I am not alone....
Friday, 14 August 2009
August 14th Walking through Willow
Chris is away on business this till Monday so I thought I would do some blogging to keep me occupied. I am on my own in the house for first time in years....Oskar my pooch is at Mikes..Andrew ..live in son ..is in Budapest so totally solo...scary.!! Doors are locked and phone will be beside my bed..I don't think I will resort to a baseball bat but suffice to say I will be alert.
So....Willow...I am still processing the emotional and spiritual impact and will blog on these later but for now let me talk about the actual experience. I had no real idea of how BIG this place was....If you think Royal Albert Hall or Brighton Conference centre than you are still way too small...The campus is simply mind blowing.We went on the Wednesday with our host family and I was really pleased we did as it gave us an idea of what it looked like before the 7,000 delegates arrived.
The driveway is about half mile long and we passed 3 x Park and Ride car parking areas...Ho Ho....this is where people choose to park and get the bus to ensure there are plenty of spaces for the guests and visitors....The actual car parks were enormous..so big they needed zones and numbers similar to airport parking...to remember where you parked. The boundaries of the car parks were too far to see and I think there are 4 main car parking areas.!! I took some pictures and once I get a tech person back will see if I can upload them...especially the signs.!! they have amazing signs eg Parking for single parents only ..permit required.!!
There is a coffee shop called Dr Bs...which sold amazing coffee...Costa and Starbucks eat your heart out...lots of seating areas including comfy chairs around a log fire. Plasma screens abound all over so no matter where you settle you could see what was going on. The book shop equalled a Waterstones easily and they have a fully functioning restaurant open all day every day.They have a lake and 2 waterfalls.. Ha Ha..yes this is a church I am talking about. Their High School ministry ...Elevate... has a fully equipped Gym complete with basketball courts and a stage bigger than ours at the Kerith Centre. I didn't go downstairs to Promiseland which is their children's work but was told it is huge.
We walked into the auditorium and I almost stopped breathing...as I walked to the stage area and then turned to look up at the vast sea of seating I felt completely overwhelmed and tears rose in my eyes.As far as the eye could see there were rows upon rows of seats and all comfy cinema types of seating...stalls..circle and upper circle with two extremely large screens at either side of platform and plasma screens hidden in ceiling areas for the upper circle areas.
The stage area itself had three tiers with a large area for main worship singers and speakers and several raised areas for different groupings of musicians.The lighting was magnificent and the settings were so professional it could have graced a West End or Broadway production. At each side of the stage through enormous glass windows the two waterfalls meandered their way down the rock settings as if they had been there for decades.
We just stood and gaped !!! Chris headed for the lighting and sound area and once he had gorged his eyes and tucked his covetous tongue back into his mouth we headed for the restaurant for some lunch.All around us were preparations for the conference..hordes of volunteers and staff unpacking boxes..moving stuff ..arranging..and at least 100 or so people spread around restaurant and seating areas just hanging out ..having lunch or a coffee...family groups and several business meetings taking place with laptops enjoying the WiFi connections.
Everyone we spoke to...or should I say...everyone who spoke to us..were so friendly..and I mean friendly..once they heard our accent they wanted to know where we came from and we discovered several had relatives in Scotland and so we spent time with several different groups just chatting.In the coffee shop the woman who served me asked my name and we joked about whether she would remember me and my order once the conference started and 7,000 people came through the coffee shop.....and I kid you not..on the Friday evening she was behind the counter and even before I got to the top of the line she shouted over .."Hi Irene..how you doing...?? Decaff cappuccino??",,I was amazed..totally amazed.
The volunteers who served over the 2 day conference made serving seem like a vocation..nothing was too much trouble and they always had a smile and a word to say no matter how long they had been there or how many people they had talked to they made you feel as if they were there just for you. Nancy Beach who is on staff at Willow and was the MC for most of the conference said several times that "volunteers are the true heroes of this event " and I can only agree . I made sure I thanked as many of them personally as I could..the guy serving the book store..the young girl in the parking lot..the student emptying the bins...true heroes as far as I am concerned.
A final word re the people we stayed with...the gift of hospitality was truly evident in this couple Fred and Doris Harlan..both in their 60s and been at Willow for years.They host several times a year and they blessed us big time. Fred had been on the Kerith website to familiarise himself with our church and listened to Simons sermon re The Peach and the Coconut and it took us a couple of days to twig but they served us peaches in some form or another at every meal time, including making us peach cobbler. They also had a small flag display of every country representing folks who they had hosted and had bought a Union Jack in honour of us. We were quick to put them straight tho that we were in actual fact Scottish and therefor a St Andrews cross really was the flag to display . We did manage to find the flag shop and bought one for them as a wee pressie...they were delighted with it.
Fred and Doris were not only interesting to talk to..they were also interested in us...our church..what we did in church life..our country ..and from the start they prayed for us daily..we held hands at each meal time and listened to them pray blessing upon us which was very special and unexpected and very natural to them.They were a wealth of information on the workings of Willow and if they didn't know something they spent time finding out and gave us the info next time we saw them. Fred's sense of humour was wry and dry and we shared ongoing jokes from one day to the next.Fred said he had the spiritual gift of "harassment" and this tickled us as we realised afresh how privileged we were to be guests in their home.
I hope this has given you a small flavour of what we experience on the practical level at Willow and over next few entries I will unpack a little more . There really was so much to take in and that was even before the conference began that I may still be mentioning stuff for days as God brings it to mind. Please do think about booking in to the Summit that is held at the Kerith Centre in October as altho you wont get the full personal experience of Willow you will definitely get the essence of the speakers and a fresh touch from God.
Let me leave you with a verse that God planted into my spirit during the conference and that I will share more of another time..
Song of Songs Ch 2 V 4 says this "he has taken me to the banquet hall and his banner over me is love."
So....Willow...I am still processing the emotional and spiritual impact and will blog on these later but for now let me talk about the actual experience. I had no real idea of how BIG this place was....If you think Royal Albert Hall or Brighton Conference centre than you are still way too small...The campus is simply mind blowing.We went on the Wednesday with our host family and I was really pleased we did as it gave us an idea of what it looked like before the 7,000 delegates arrived.
The driveway is about half mile long and we passed 3 x Park and Ride car parking areas...Ho Ho....this is where people choose to park and get the bus to ensure there are plenty of spaces for the guests and visitors....The actual car parks were enormous..so big they needed zones and numbers similar to airport parking...to remember where you parked. The boundaries of the car parks were too far to see and I think there are 4 main car parking areas.!! I took some pictures and once I get a tech person back will see if I can upload them...especially the signs.!! they have amazing signs eg Parking for single parents only ..permit required.!!
There is a coffee shop called Dr Bs...which sold amazing coffee...Costa and Starbucks eat your heart out...lots of seating areas including comfy chairs around a log fire. Plasma screens abound all over so no matter where you settle you could see what was going on. The book shop equalled a Waterstones easily and they have a fully functioning restaurant open all day every day.They have a lake and 2 waterfalls.. Ha Ha..yes this is a church I am talking about. Their High School ministry ...Elevate... has a fully equipped Gym complete with basketball courts and a stage bigger than ours at the Kerith Centre. I didn't go downstairs to Promiseland which is their children's work but was told it is huge.
We walked into the auditorium and I almost stopped breathing...as I walked to the stage area and then turned to look up at the vast sea of seating I felt completely overwhelmed and tears rose in my eyes.As far as the eye could see there were rows upon rows of seats and all comfy cinema types of seating...stalls..circle and upper circle with two extremely large screens at either side of platform and plasma screens hidden in ceiling areas for the upper circle areas.
The stage area itself had three tiers with a large area for main worship singers and speakers and several raised areas for different groupings of musicians.The lighting was magnificent and the settings were so professional it could have graced a West End or Broadway production. At each side of the stage through enormous glass windows the two waterfalls meandered their way down the rock settings as if they had been there for decades.
We just stood and gaped !!! Chris headed for the lighting and sound area and once he had gorged his eyes and tucked his covetous tongue back into his mouth we headed for the restaurant for some lunch.All around us were preparations for the conference..hordes of volunteers and staff unpacking boxes..moving stuff ..arranging..and at least 100 or so people spread around restaurant and seating areas just hanging out ..having lunch or a coffee...family groups and several business meetings taking place with laptops enjoying the WiFi connections.
Everyone we spoke to...or should I say...everyone who spoke to us..were so friendly..and I mean friendly..once they heard our accent they wanted to know where we came from and we discovered several had relatives in Scotland and so we spent time with several different groups just chatting.In the coffee shop the woman who served me asked my name and we joked about whether she would remember me and my order once the conference started and 7,000 people came through the coffee shop.....and I kid you not..on the Friday evening she was behind the counter and even before I got to the top of the line she shouted over .."Hi Irene..how you doing...?? Decaff cappuccino??",,I was amazed..totally amazed.
The volunteers who served over the 2 day conference made serving seem like a vocation..nothing was too much trouble and they always had a smile and a word to say no matter how long they had been there or how many people they had talked to they made you feel as if they were there just for you. Nancy Beach who is on staff at Willow and was the MC for most of the conference said several times that "volunteers are the true heroes of this event " and I can only agree . I made sure I thanked as many of them personally as I could..the guy serving the book store..the young girl in the parking lot..the student emptying the bins...true heroes as far as I am concerned.
A final word re the people we stayed with...the gift of hospitality was truly evident in this couple Fred and Doris Harlan..both in their 60s and been at Willow for years.They host several times a year and they blessed us big time. Fred had been on the Kerith website to familiarise himself with our church and listened to Simons sermon re The Peach and the Coconut and it took us a couple of days to twig but they served us peaches in some form or another at every meal time, including making us peach cobbler. They also had a small flag display of every country representing folks who they had hosted and had bought a Union Jack in honour of us. We were quick to put them straight tho that we were in actual fact Scottish and therefor a St Andrews cross really was the flag to display . We did manage to find the flag shop and bought one for them as a wee pressie...they were delighted with it.
Fred and Doris were not only interesting to talk to..they were also interested in us...our church..what we did in church life..our country ..and from the start they prayed for us daily..we held hands at each meal time and listened to them pray blessing upon us which was very special and unexpected and very natural to them.They were a wealth of information on the workings of Willow and if they didn't know something they spent time finding out and gave us the info next time we saw them. Fred's sense of humour was wry and dry and we shared ongoing jokes from one day to the next.Fred said he had the spiritual gift of "harassment" and this tickled us as we realised afresh how privileged we were to be guests in their home.
I hope this has given you a small flavour of what we experience on the practical level at Willow and over next few entries I will unpack a little more . There really was so much to take in and that was even before the conference began that I may still be mentioning stuff for days as God brings it to mind. Please do think about booking in to the Summit that is held at the Kerith Centre in October as altho you wont get the full personal experience of Willow you will definitely get the essence of the speakers and a fresh touch from God.
Let me leave you with a verse that God planted into my spirit during the conference and that I will share more of another time..
Song of Songs Ch 2 V 4 says this "he has taken me to the banquet hall and his banner over me is love."
Tuesday, 11 August 2009
August 11th ..Detour to Willow Creek
Hello again...I tried to blog from America but those who know me will know that I can just about cope with techie stuff here in UK but big time NO NO in the States.!!
So....I am taking a detour via Willow in the next few entries as I want to process all that has happened and try and assimilate it into my life. It truly was an amazing privilege to be there and one I know will have huge repercussions on my future. If you are walking this journey with me my prayer is that some of what I share will be contagious and you catch some of Gods plans and purposes as you read .
I strongly encourage each and everyone of you to book into the Leadership Summit here in Bracknell...October 2nd and 3rd...details on Kerith Community Church website.I will only be able to give you a flavour...like tasting a spoonful of soup from a pot to see if it has enough salt...!!!...you need to sit at the table and eat the whole dish....so book in to come along and hear the speakers and be changed.
Let me share some "one liners"...I heard something like 13 speakers over two days and they threw out these one liners which if you take and chew on will make your mouth water and hunger for more.I am not going to attribute them to anyone person...you will need to come along to hear for yourselves.!!
The "normal" we ever knew or loved has left the building.
People aren't coming to church for a mild dose of God anymore.They want more.!
When you are down in the trenches it is easy to mistake your rut for the horizon.
Sometimes its not your sin which separates you from God its your damnable good works.
What can I give myself to for the rest of my life?
Common purpose is the best way to achieve optimum outcome.
Don't let fear prevent us from making bold moves.
What is my dream?
It is time for the church to get off its butt and be the hope of the world.
God is challenging us to go way beyond our comfort zone.
Misfits start ministry.....Marginals can lead masses.
Relationships trumps vision....we don't need more visionaries we need more relationaries.
Leaders are not called just to lead but to create a culture
It is essential to sometimes sit in the balcony and look at what is happening on the dance floor.
Say YES...every time I hear God ask me to do something.
Listen to God whispering to me.
Keep on developing gifting and do things that have eternal significance.
Stop complaining about lack of resources and be thankful for what we have.
T.B.U....True but useless.!!!
Who would have thought the sleeping giant could have run so fast.?
For next couple of entries in the blog I will be fleshing these one liners out and sharing some of what they mean to me ...altho it will take time for the impact of the conference to be processed into my life.Let me just unpack a comment that
one of the speakers shared that spoke to me re my blog...he said that a housewife somewhere in Ohio...( I think ) has a blog that has thousands of followers all over the world...she is an ordinary woman.... a wife and mom and just blogged about life and all its messy bits and good bits etc....but that somehow people were being drawn to her...how she influences people almost on a daily basis without even leaving her home....I felt God whisper to me that I could also be "a woman of influence."I don't have thousands who read this blog....(yet)...but that I need to get ready ...get prepared....I have always found it very difficult to believe that anything I say ...write or do...can influence ..but God is speaking to me and I am choosing to believe it is true ...I am a woman who can influence others...
My prayer for anyone reading this blog ."I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you,I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day till now,being confident of this that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Philippians ch 1 v 3-6
One last comment for today...I listened to a speaker called Dr Wess Stafford who is the President and CEO of Compassion International.....his title was "Leveraging your Past." For this speaker alone it was worth travelling all those miles and spending all that money just to listen to him. He has written a book called "Too Small to Ignore" which I plan to begin reading but the impact of his own personal testimony heard at Willow will be the most memorable moment of the entire summit.. I listened with my ears but also with my spirit and as tears fell relentlessly I identified once more with the pain of my own past...but this time my tears weren't because of what I too had suffered they were tears of great and deep joy that God and only God had healed me and as he talked about "leveraging your past" I knew without any doubt that with this blog and other things I am involved in ...workwise..churchwise and personally..I am doing just that...Leveraging my past .
So....I am taking a detour via Willow in the next few entries as I want to process all that has happened and try and assimilate it into my life. It truly was an amazing privilege to be there and one I know will have huge repercussions on my future. If you are walking this journey with me my prayer is that some of what I share will be contagious and you catch some of Gods plans and purposes as you read .
I strongly encourage each and everyone of you to book into the Leadership Summit here in Bracknell...October 2nd and 3rd...details on Kerith Community Church website.I will only be able to give you a flavour...like tasting a spoonful of soup from a pot to see if it has enough salt...!!!...you need to sit at the table and eat the whole dish....so book in to come along and hear the speakers and be changed.
Let me share some "one liners"...I heard something like 13 speakers over two days and they threw out these one liners which if you take and chew on will make your mouth water and hunger for more.I am not going to attribute them to anyone person...you will need to come along to hear for yourselves.!!
The "normal" we ever knew or loved has left the building.
People aren't coming to church for a mild dose of God anymore.They want more.!
When you are down in the trenches it is easy to mistake your rut for the horizon.
Sometimes its not your sin which separates you from God its your damnable good works.
What can I give myself to for the rest of my life?
Common purpose is the best way to achieve optimum outcome.
Don't let fear prevent us from making bold moves.
What is my dream?
It is time for the church to get off its butt and be the hope of the world.
God is challenging us to go way beyond our comfort zone.
Misfits start ministry.....Marginals can lead masses.
Relationships trumps vision....we don't need more visionaries we need more relationaries.
Leaders are not called just to lead but to create a culture
It is essential to sometimes sit in the balcony and look at what is happening on the dance floor.
Say YES...every time I hear God ask me to do something.
Listen to God whispering to me.
Keep on developing gifting and do things that have eternal significance.
Stop complaining about lack of resources and be thankful for what we have.
T.B.U....True but useless.!!!
Who would have thought the sleeping giant could have run so fast.?
For next couple of entries in the blog I will be fleshing these one liners out and sharing some of what they mean to me ...altho it will take time for the impact of the conference to be processed into my life.Let me just unpack a comment that
one of the speakers shared that spoke to me re my blog...he said that a housewife somewhere in Ohio...( I think ) has a blog that has thousands of followers all over the world...she is an ordinary woman.... a wife and mom and just blogged about life and all its messy bits and good bits etc....but that somehow people were being drawn to her...how she influences people almost on a daily basis without even leaving her home....I felt God whisper to me that I could also be "a woman of influence."I don't have thousands who read this blog....(yet)...but that I need to get ready ...get prepared....I have always found it very difficult to believe that anything I say ...write or do...can influence ..but God is speaking to me and I am choosing to believe it is true ...I am a woman who can influence others...
My prayer for anyone reading this blog ."I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you,I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day till now,being confident of this that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Philippians ch 1 v 3-6
One last comment for today...I listened to a speaker called Dr Wess Stafford who is the President and CEO of Compassion International.....his title was "Leveraging your Past." For this speaker alone it was worth travelling all those miles and spending all that money just to listen to him. He has written a book called "Too Small to Ignore" which I plan to begin reading but the impact of his own personal testimony heard at Willow will be the most memorable moment of the entire summit.. I listened with my ears but also with my spirit and as tears fell relentlessly I identified once more with the pain of my own past...but this time my tears weren't because of what I too had suffered they were tears of great and deep joy that God and only God had healed me and as he talked about "leveraging your past" I knew without any doubt that with this blog and other things I am involved in ...workwise..churchwise and personally..I am doing just that...Leveraging my past .
Thursday, 30 July 2009
July 30th Is there a guide to friendship??
I wonder if there is a guide somewhere on how to make friends...and keep them and if so would it be any good to people. We cant work to a formula in the realm of friendships as we are all so different in our emotional make up and also in our life experiences.I think that's why friendships can be one of the more difficult areas in our lives and I am sure that you know many people who "don't speak " to one another for many and varied reasons.Unforgiveness and anger can destroy much of what is precious in our lives and when you come from a totally dysfunctional background the odds stacked against you are almost impossible to deal with.
I have a theory and if no-one in the arena of therapy or psychology has already coined the phrase maybe I can be famous for a new heading within the explanations of relationships.
The theory I have is called "the push /pull "of friendship....and I have over the years excelled at it,but be assured it isn't a healthy option and its one that has taken me decades to overcome. In the process I am more than confident that I have hurt some people and caused others some pain and perhaps I still engage in it subconsciously so if you recognise it and see me doing it ..please tell me...forgive me .....and help me to move on.
Growing up in the way I did with no healthy role models and no ability to learn from others I have had to make my own way in the minefields of building relationships. I am not going to go into the whole aspect of friendship within marriage as with Chris it is a different dynamic and altho some of the main characteristics of this theory have definitely evolved in our marriage I am going to focus more on woman-friends.
One thing I believe we all desire and need is acceptance and the freedom to be who we really are.For me....In the past I have entered into friendships with women with the belief that no-one would accept me as I really was and so straight away the foundation wouldn't have been built on honesty and truth.I used to "pull " people towards me by being extra friendly...extra caring...extra interested in their lives...extra available....all designed to influence women to like me but also to need me . For me with my warped thinking being needed was in itself of more value than being accepted ...so if there was a child that needed babysitting...I was the person...if there was a chore that needed doing...I would volunteer ...perhaps you get my drift.Once I was needed and relied on for various reasons I would then be unable to fulfil all that I had promised so then began the "push " part of this confusing equation.I would begin to "push" people away as I would be unable to meet the expectation I had given .
Then would begin the cycle that we can all get caught up in...lets see if you can follow me through the confusion ...I would make a commitment then not want to fulfil it...the person would be upset with me and make some remark...I would then feel hurt by what they said and withdraw ..thus confirming that they didn't really love me. Keep following..... Then as I withdrew the other person in this equation would then also back off as they would think I was unreliable or even that I wasn't the friend they thought I was in the first place and this of course would again confirm that I was unlovable or acceptable .I have oversimplified this theory but perhaps you get the message...pulling people towards me and then pushing them away is all too often the story of many adults who have had the kind of dysfunctional childhood I had.Of course it is also often the case that the relationship is made even more painful if it is with someone who is also not functioning with good foundations...and this has happened to me several times as often those who are damaged enter into relationships with others who are damaged in similar ways.
If this happens then you get both halves of the equation engaging in the same "game" and damage to both sides is inevitable. I have had to enter into some very painful discussions with a couple of friends over recent years as I have begun to unravel the consequences of some of my actions within friendships.I am endeavouring to be as honest with friends now as I am able in the hope that what you see is what you get...or perhaps I should say ..what you see is who I am.I have been on a journey this last 3-4 years ..one of discovery into who I am ..how I got to be me and what it means to be me.Writing this blog is a way of me being able to continue the journey and continue to discover things about myself and about friendships. I think I have written somewhere in previous entries that I actually like myself and that I am quite a nice person.!! This may be a seemingly simple thing to say but believe me when I say that writing that last sentence would never have been possible a few years ago and it is a major step that will propel me into the future . Having had no self validation for 50 plus years and having to process this has been no mean feat and I thank God he has opened my eyes to see who I really am.
For many years I would search for as many friends as I could...almost a desperation to fill all the empty voids in my heart and soul and would fill my days and evenings with "doing stuff". Ask any of the folk who knew me 15-20 years ago and their impression of me would be that I had loads of friends ...I think "gregarious" is a word that could have been used to describe me.In reality I had lots of
" acquaintances " but hardly any friends and acquaintances can be kept at arms length which is where the push /pull usually kept them. The sad part of all this was that I deeply yearned for more...for depth and honesty and for friends who would love me ...whatever. I began to give more of myself to a small number of women friends and those of you who know the "lady in the pink hat " will understand me when I say that friends with this kind of heart and soul are few and far between. I have two other women friends who were knitted into my spirit over many years and altho neither of them live near me any more we continue to enjoy an honest and open friendship from afar and know they love and accept me as I am.I am indebted to several friends over the years who have been instrumental in bringing truth and healing into my life and who I still count as buddies even if we don't spend much time together.I am also blessed by the "new" friends who are beginning to enter into my life and I am hoping that they develop into strong and healthy friendships as time goes by..
I began this entry with the question.....is there a guide to friendships....I know the bible has much to say about relationships and I have learned much from Gods leading and loving.I am still wearing the L plates of friendship and still making mistakes but I am loving more than ever the joy of knowing the women in my life...having fun together...doing life together...spending time with one another...sharing families ...troubles....celebrations...and my prayer for you all is that you will have good friends to walk with you along life's journey.
I have a theory and if no-one in the arena of therapy or psychology has already coined the phrase maybe I can be famous for a new heading within the explanations of relationships.
The theory I have is called "the push /pull "of friendship....and I have over the years excelled at it,but be assured it isn't a healthy option and its one that has taken me decades to overcome. In the process I am more than confident that I have hurt some people and caused others some pain and perhaps I still engage in it subconsciously so if you recognise it and see me doing it ..please tell me...forgive me .....and help me to move on.
Growing up in the way I did with no healthy role models and no ability to learn from others I have had to make my own way in the minefields of building relationships. I am not going to go into the whole aspect of friendship within marriage as with Chris it is a different dynamic and altho some of the main characteristics of this theory have definitely evolved in our marriage I am going to focus more on woman-friends.
One thing I believe we all desire and need is acceptance and the freedom to be who we really are.For me....In the past I have entered into friendships with women with the belief that no-one would accept me as I really was and so straight away the foundation wouldn't have been built on honesty and truth.I used to "pull " people towards me by being extra friendly...extra caring...extra interested in their lives...extra available....all designed to influence women to like me but also to need me . For me with my warped thinking being needed was in itself of more value than being accepted ...so if there was a child that needed babysitting...I was the person...if there was a chore that needed doing...I would volunteer ...perhaps you get my drift.Once I was needed and relied on for various reasons I would then be unable to fulfil all that I had promised so then began the "push " part of this confusing equation.I would begin to "push" people away as I would be unable to meet the expectation I had given .
Then would begin the cycle that we can all get caught up in...lets see if you can follow me through the confusion ...I would make a commitment then not want to fulfil it...the person would be upset with me and make some remark...I would then feel hurt by what they said and withdraw ..thus confirming that they didn't really love me. Keep following..... Then as I withdrew the other person in this equation would then also back off as they would think I was unreliable or even that I wasn't the friend they thought I was in the first place and this of course would again confirm that I was unlovable or acceptable .I have oversimplified this theory but perhaps you get the message...pulling people towards me and then pushing them away is all too often the story of many adults who have had the kind of dysfunctional childhood I had.Of course it is also often the case that the relationship is made even more painful if it is with someone who is also not functioning with good foundations...and this has happened to me several times as often those who are damaged enter into relationships with others who are damaged in similar ways.
If this happens then you get both halves of the equation engaging in the same "game" and damage to both sides is inevitable. I have had to enter into some very painful discussions with a couple of friends over recent years as I have begun to unravel the consequences of some of my actions within friendships.I am endeavouring to be as honest with friends now as I am able in the hope that what you see is what you get...or perhaps I should say ..what you see is who I am.I have been on a journey this last 3-4 years ..one of discovery into who I am ..how I got to be me and what it means to be me.Writing this blog is a way of me being able to continue the journey and continue to discover things about myself and about friendships. I think I have written somewhere in previous entries that I actually like myself and that I am quite a nice person.!! This may be a seemingly simple thing to say but believe me when I say that writing that last sentence would never have been possible a few years ago and it is a major step that will propel me into the future . Having had no self validation for 50 plus years and having to process this has been no mean feat and I thank God he has opened my eyes to see who I really am.
For many years I would search for as many friends as I could...almost a desperation to fill all the empty voids in my heart and soul and would fill my days and evenings with "doing stuff". Ask any of the folk who knew me 15-20 years ago and their impression of me would be that I had loads of friends ...I think "gregarious" is a word that could have been used to describe me.In reality I had lots of
" acquaintances " but hardly any friends and acquaintances can be kept at arms length which is where the push /pull usually kept them. The sad part of all this was that I deeply yearned for more...for depth and honesty and for friends who would love me ...whatever. I began to give more of myself to a small number of women friends and those of you who know the "lady in the pink hat " will understand me when I say that friends with this kind of heart and soul are few and far between. I have two other women friends who were knitted into my spirit over many years and altho neither of them live near me any more we continue to enjoy an honest and open friendship from afar and know they love and accept me as I am.I am indebted to several friends over the years who have been instrumental in bringing truth and healing into my life and who I still count as buddies even if we don't spend much time together.I am also blessed by the "new" friends who are beginning to enter into my life and I am hoping that they develop into strong and healthy friendships as time goes by..
I began this entry with the question.....is there a guide to friendships....I know the bible has much to say about relationships and I have learned much from Gods leading and loving.I am still wearing the L plates of friendship and still making mistakes but I am loving more than ever the joy of knowing the women in my life...having fun together...doing life together...spending time with one another...sharing families ...troubles....celebrations...and my prayer for you all is that you will have good friends to walk with you along life's journey.
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
July 28th The Lady in the Pink Hat
Hi everyone...thought I would share this with you as it is very much on the subject of Friendship.
THE LADY IN THE PINK HAT
My eyes drift unseeing as my arms and legs follow their own pattern for this skill known as swimming…you can do it on auto pilot with no thought given to any rhythm or co-ordination.
I am warm and satisfied with life.
I was born for holidays in the sun.
I am easily pleased.
I am in no hurry and going nowhere with little occupying my thoughts and as I continue my lazy strokes I begin to gaze around the poolside at the flotsam and jetsam of humanity who share my space under the hot sun and endless blue sky. I have always enjoyed watching people and ascribing stories to their lives and the poolside has rich pickings for my unoccupied imagination.
Mr and Mrs Lilo….in their 40s laying on their Asda priced airbeds and floating their lives away.
The Bicycle Family….extremely get up and go with their teenage son.
Fred and His Missus….he the silent one and she manufacturing enough words for them both
The Dads and their Lads…..lovely to see the bonding going on
Mrs Widow and son….hhmmnnn….some unhealthy stuff going on there
Ms Single Parent and daughter….being a full time mum seems to be boring for her.
The Multi Generation Family….I am envious and covet a holiday with a daughter and grandchild
The Lady in the Pink Hat…here with another woman ….I guess they are friends
I begin to focus more on this lady in the pink hat to the exclusion of all the other poolside people and let my thoughts travel into her life and my swimming goes onto auto pilot as I visualise who she is and where she comes from and what her life is like.
Her hat is pink and newly exchanged for 5 Euros at a mountain top village which served the most delicious cappuccinos. It is almost a wedding hat but somehow she carries off the casual look so well that everyone must see it is a poolside hat…a sun hat…a hat for all seasons.! It was with great glee she realised that unknown forces were at work at the exact moment when she decided on the pink hat rather than the white hat. This amazing pink hat matches her swimming cossie exactly. Not just the colour but the flower on the rim of this pink hat is a replica of the flowers on her cossie how cool is that!
The lady in the pink hat is of mature years. I wouldn’t presume to call her an OAP..but let’s say that she has travelled a fair way along the three score years and ten highway of life.. I look beyond the pink hat and I can see that she has been married for decades and has grown children and several grandchildren. Under the pink hat I can tell that the lines and wrinkles she wears so well were formed through much laughter and some anxiety. The pink hat sits so well upon her wise head and I know with certainty that the words she speaks will carry with them the weight of wisdom and life experience. This lady in the pink hat is fiercely loyal and her ability to walk alongside her friends is legendary. The pink hat may fool some people into thinking she is frivolous and light but let me assure you she is solid and strong.
The lady in the pink hat meets my gaze as I continue to swim and she smiles at me as if to say “I know you “and I can hear her say “you okay?”. Always this lady in the pink hat is concerned about others and as I return the smile and she has already begun to speak to others as they pass by her sun bed. I stop awhile and listen as she asks each person what they have been doing and where they have been and everyone is drawn into conversation feeling special and attended to by the lady in the pink hat. She effortlessly enfolds young and old into her sphere of calm and genuine warmth including the small boy who is not only encouraged to dive and swim but is treated to an ice cream sundae by the lady in the pink hat.
I settle in the corner of the pool with my book and every now and then I glance over at the lady in the pink hat and again my thoughts drift past the written word in my book to the unwritten words of this woman’s life. I can see her eyes following the print of her own book moving slowly from one side of the page to the other and every now and then they glaze over and I can see her become still and as if in commune with God her head slides forward in imitation of sleep but I know she is far from napping. The pink hat stays firmly attached to her head even when gravity should have caught it and dribbled it forward on her face. The lady in the pink hat is outwardly at rest but inwardly I know she is hard at work praying and I can see this lady is not to be messed with even by the natural forces at work in this world.
As she rests I know that her thoughts will have travelled way beyond the pink hat and will be touching the highest heavens as she intercedes on behalf of her family and friends. I even begin to believe that I will be included in her prayers. The lady in the pink hat never gives up….never fails to believe…never stops to think it cant or wont be done here on earth as it is in heaven. Only a woman in a pink hat can have this blessed assurance that God will already be on the move to grant her pleading. For many years this woman in the pink hat has prayed and never given up and her faith still brings me to my own knees long after my voice has ceased to be heard.
I continue to ponder this lady in the pink hat and once again I seem to have a fresh insight into her life as I watch her begin again to read her book. She reads slow but sure and somehow the book on her lap turns into the bible and I see in the shadow of my mind the many hours she has laboured over the precious word of God. I can almost hear her speak to me and others in hymns and psalms and just as the water in this pool is enveloping me and lulling me into a deep sense of peace I know the lady in the pink hat does the same to folks back home in her other life. At times the lady in the pink hat will be like a stream of living water sent into the dry and thirsty desert of our lives to bring hope and encouragement to those who are in dire need of refreshment. The matching cossie she wears covers an ample bosom and I suspect she often bemoans her shape but I also know that when in need of two arms to hold me and hug me and re-assure me I would rather have the lady in the pink hat with all her ampleness to lean upon than risk being stabbed to death by some bony size zero.
I begin to feel slightly chilled and realise I am prune like after long minutes spent in the water and I cast one more glance at the lady in the pink hat. She has stilled for a moment and looks up into the endlessly blue sky as if searching for an answer and I am able to examine her at my leisure without fear of being caught staring . I look beyond the pink hat and I see heartache reflected in her eyes and I know without any contradiction that the pink hat is only a momentary respite for the cares and concerns she carries. As well as the fun and laughter …the loyalty and faith….the wisdom and strength…the ability to pray and intercede and the amazing heart and soul within this woman there is also an aching for the unanswered prayers and the ongoing hope she has for the future.
You may wonder how on earth I can “see” all this from a casual glance or a moment caught in time. or you may think I have a wild imagination….I confess that I have inside knowledge of this lady in the pink hat and although I have allowed you to know a little about her other life….the life she leads when not wearing her pink hat….my description of her doesn’t even begin to do her justice. This lady in the pink hat I am honoured to call my friend and for almost 25 years the lady in the pink hat has walked with me and talked with me. This lady in the pink hat has held my hand as I have struggled to stay on the path and she has passed me tissues as I have wept in the dark moments This lady in the pink hat has supported me through some tough times and she has served alongside me in many areas of church life. This lady in the pink hat has laughed with me till we have cried at so many shared jokes and life situations including laughing at me !. This lady in the pink hat and her family have been joined at the hip to me and mine and as we approach the autumn years my hope is that the pink hat becomes a symbol of friendship to reflect upon in times to come. This lady in the pink hat knows me through and through and yet still calls me her friend and has never judged me even when I have been outrageously in need of judgement. This lady in the pink hat has laughed at my jokes and has admonished me when I step over the line and I am more than blessed to have her in my life
My purpose in sharing this with you is not just to honour the lady in the pink hat but in the hope that you will also take a moment to think about your friends …they may not wear a pink hat but lets be so thankful for each and everyone of them….and find a way of telling them .
May each and every one of you have the blessing of a Lady in a Pink Hat in your lives.
THE LADY IN THE PINK HAT
My eyes drift unseeing as my arms and legs follow their own pattern for this skill known as swimming…you can do it on auto pilot with no thought given to any rhythm or co-ordination.
I am warm and satisfied with life.
I was born for holidays in the sun.
I am easily pleased.
I am in no hurry and going nowhere with little occupying my thoughts and as I continue my lazy strokes I begin to gaze around the poolside at the flotsam and jetsam of humanity who share my space under the hot sun and endless blue sky. I have always enjoyed watching people and ascribing stories to their lives and the poolside has rich pickings for my unoccupied imagination.
Mr and Mrs Lilo….in their 40s laying on their Asda priced airbeds and floating their lives away.
The Bicycle Family….extremely get up and go with their teenage son.
Fred and His Missus….he the silent one and she manufacturing enough words for them both
The Dads and their Lads…..lovely to see the bonding going on
Mrs Widow and son….hhmmnnn….some unhealthy stuff going on there
Ms Single Parent and daughter….being a full time mum seems to be boring for her.
The Multi Generation Family….I am envious and covet a holiday with a daughter and grandchild
The Lady in the Pink Hat…here with another woman ….I guess they are friends
I begin to focus more on this lady in the pink hat to the exclusion of all the other poolside people and let my thoughts travel into her life and my swimming goes onto auto pilot as I visualise who she is and where she comes from and what her life is like.
Her hat is pink and newly exchanged for 5 Euros at a mountain top village which served the most delicious cappuccinos. It is almost a wedding hat but somehow she carries off the casual look so well that everyone must see it is a poolside hat…a sun hat…a hat for all seasons.! It was with great glee she realised that unknown forces were at work at the exact moment when she decided on the pink hat rather than the white hat. This amazing pink hat matches her swimming cossie exactly. Not just the colour but the flower on the rim of this pink hat is a replica of the flowers on her cossie how cool is that!
The lady in the pink hat is of mature years. I wouldn’t presume to call her an OAP..but let’s say that she has travelled a fair way along the three score years and ten highway of life.. I look beyond the pink hat and I can see that she has been married for decades and has grown children and several grandchildren. Under the pink hat I can tell that the lines and wrinkles she wears so well were formed through much laughter and some anxiety. The pink hat sits so well upon her wise head and I know with certainty that the words she speaks will carry with them the weight of wisdom and life experience. This lady in the pink hat is fiercely loyal and her ability to walk alongside her friends is legendary. The pink hat may fool some people into thinking she is frivolous and light but let me assure you she is solid and strong.
The lady in the pink hat meets my gaze as I continue to swim and she smiles at me as if to say “I know you “and I can hear her say “you okay?”. Always this lady in the pink hat is concerned about others and as I return the smile and she has already begun to speak to others as they pass by her sun bed. I stop awhile and listen as she asks each person what they have been doing and where they have been and everyone is drawn into conversation feeling special and attended to by the lady in the pink hat. She effortlessly enfolds young and old into her sphere of calm and genuine warmth including the small boy who is not only encouraged to dive and swim but is treated to an ice cream sundae by the lady in the pink hat.
I settle in the corner of the pool with my book and every now and then I glance over at the lady in the pink hat and again my thoughts drift past the written word in my book to the unwritten words of this woman’s life. I can see her eyes following the print of her own book moving slowly from one side of the page to the other and every now and then they glaze over and I can see her become still and as if in commune with God her head slides forward in imitation of sleep but I know she is far from napping. The pink hat stays firmly attached to her head even when gravity should have caught it and dribbled it forward on her face. The lady in the pink hat is outwardly at rest but inwardly I know she is hard at work praying and I can see this lady is not to be messed with even by the natural forces at work in this world.
As she rests I know that her thoughts will have travelled way beyond the pink hat and will be touching the highest heavens as she intercedes on behalf of her family and friends. I even begin to believe that I will be included in her prayers. The lady in the pink hat never gives up….never fails to believe…never stops to think it cant or wont be done here on earth as it is in heaven. Only a woman in a pink hat can have this blessed assurance that God will already be on the move to grant her pleading. For many years this woman in the pink hat has prayed and never given up and her faith still brings me to my own knees long after my voice has ceased to be heard.
I continue to ponder this lady in the pink hat and once again I seem to have a fresh insight into her life as I watch her begin again to read her book. She reads slow but sure and somehow the book on her lap turns into the bible and I see in the shadow of my mind the many hours she has laboured over the precious word of God. I can almost hear her speak to me and others in hymns and psalms and just as the water in this pool is enveloping me and lulling me into a deep sense of peace I know the lady in the pink hat does the same to folks back home in her other life. At times the lady in the pink hat will be like a stream of living water sent into the dry and thirsty desert of our lives to bring hope and encouragement to those who are in dire need of refreshment. The matching cossie she wears covers an ample bosom and I suspect she often bemoans her shape but I also know that when in need of two arms to hold me and hug me and re-assure me I would rather have the lady in the pink hat with all her ampleness to lean upon than risk being stabbed to death by some bony size zero.
I begin to feel slightly chilled and realise I am prune like after long minutes spent in the water and I cast one more glance at the lady in the pink hat. She has stilled for a moment and looks up into the endlessly blue sky as if searching for an answer and I am able to examine her at my leisure without fear of being caught staring . I look beyond the pink hat and I see heartache reflected in her eyes and I know without any contradiction that the pink hat is only a momentary respite for the cares and concerns she carries. As well as the fun and laughter …the loyalty and faith….the wisdom and strength…the ability to pray and intercede and the amazing heart and soul within this woman there is also an aching for the unanswered prayers and the ongoing hope she has for the future.
You may wonder how on earth I can “see” all this from a casual glance or a moment caught in time. or you may think I have a wild imagination….I confess that I have inside knowledge of this lady in the pink hat and although I have allowed you to know a little about her other life….the life she leads when not wearing her pink hat….my description of her doesn’t even begin to do her justice. This lady in the pink hat I am honoured to call my friend and for almost 25 years the lady in the pink hat has walked with me and talked with me. This lady in the pink hat has held my hand as I have struggled to stay on the path and she has passed me tissues as I have wept in the dark moments This lady in the pink hat has supported me through some tough times and she has served alongside me in many areas of church life. This lady in the pink hat has laughed with me till we have cried at so many shared jokes and life situations including laughing at me !. This lady in the pink hat and her family have been joined at the hip to me and mine and as we approach the autumn years my hope is that the pink hat becomes a symbol of friendship to reflect upon in times to come. This lady in the pink hat knows me through and through and yet still calls me her friend and has never judged me even when I have been outrageously in need of judgement. This lady in the pink hat has laughed at my jokes and has admonished me when I step over the line and I am more than blessed to have her in my life
My purpose in sharing this with you is not just to honour the lady in the pink hat but in the hope that you will also take a moment to think about your friends …they may not wear a pink hat but lets be so thankful for each and everyone of them….and find a way of telling them .
May each and every one of you have the blessing of a Lady in a Pink Hat in your lives.
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
July 14th More Midnight Ramblings
I find myself once more unable to sleep....this time because I haven't been too well and have been sleeping for part of the day/evening and now find myself wide awake and way past bedtime.It is always in the dead of night that my thoughts can turn to blogging.....so lets see where this leads me to .
I have blogged part of my growing up and I think I have reached adult hood in my time line...I am not going to go into details at this point of the friendship I have with my man....he is first and foremost the friend who I turn to..lean on...share with..cry and laugh with but I feel it is more to women that I am writing this blog altho if you are a man reading this ...then read on.
For the first 10 -12 years of my adult life age 19-29...I was busy doing what a lot of folk do in that period...meeting husband to be...marriage..children...settling down etc and like most young couples with children our social life revolved round family/friends gatherings.We didn't have a particularly wide circle of friends but I can honestly say that apart from 1-2 of them we have very little contact with any of them all these years later. I do wonder if the quality of the relationships didn't go deep enough to survive more than the obligatory Christmas card.
When we moved to England I realised just how much I needed friends. I spent the first 6 months of our time down here crying....I was sooooo lonely....I didn't want to be here....I didn't want to stay here...I didn't want to smile and make small talk with people who talked as if they had marbles in their mouth and sometimes didn't understand what I said either. English people lived in a different dimension to us...I didn't possess a diary before I moved here...if I wanted to see a friend I just dropped in...my door was kept on the latch so friends could just knock and walk in...sadly down here...you had to ring first and make and appointment and no-one just knocked on my door and walked in.
I discovered I was pregnant with our third child and this changed my life....I had to get out and make friends...and the first person I made a tentative friendship with was also pregnant...and also a Christian..( I wasn't a Christian at this point)..She was a member of Bracknell Baptist Church.(which later became Bracknell Family Church and nowadays is called Kerith Community Church ) SP was my life saver...life changer...she showed me friendship that changed my whole way of thinking . For many years I had always thought that people couldn't be trusted..shouldn't be trusted...and therefor my relationships were always quite surface and shallow and usually unable to survive any stress or conflict.
SP introduced me to others in her circle and a new journey began for me .Altho still very homesick and struggling with pregnancy ..new house..new way of life..settling the other two children into school and nursery I found myself opening up and sharing myself with her. Perhaps it was the new beginning I had subconsciously yearned for..perhaps it was getting away from all the trauma of childhood and starting afresh in a completely new place where no-one knew me or Chris or our background. Perhaps I thought I could almost re-invent myself and be whoever I chose to be...whatever the reasons I began to settle and feel calmer inside..less homesick..less lonely.
Little did I know that SP and others were already storming heaven on my behalf ..praying for God to draw me close..praying for God to bless me....Praying for God to show me His son Jesus. I knew nothing of this till months later...all I do know is that there was a strange sense of peace and belonging taking root. For some months as we grew fatter with with our babies..we were both due in January and our families began to hang out for walks and play dates etc SP would talk about her church and her faith. I originally wondered if the friendship would fade if I didn't show any interest in her church /religion and this was the first thing I put to the test. I told her in no uncertain terms that I wasn't interested in God...knew little about Jesus and didn't have time for church..and then waited to see what she would do or say.
I think I have said before I have a tendency to be a people pleaser ...rather than risk rejection I can sometimes be a bit of a chameleon and change thoughts or opinions to suit the person or occasion..but I felt it was important to get this out in the open right at the beginning...if she wanted to be my friend it had to be for ME alone and not whether I would believe in her God or go to her church. I wasn't anti..just hadn't really bothered before and certainly didn't want to bother now.It made no difference to our friendship and it continued to grow as we both had our babies within 3 weeks of each other and life settled into routine. I now had a firm friend...our husbands got on well....the kids were similar ages and we could all have tea together or go for walks etc and we had babysitters if needed and life was moving us on.Into this mix we also met and made friends with another couple...and strangely(!)they too were Christians and went to same church as SP .Again unknown to me they too were knocking on the gates of heaven and praying ......I wont go into all the details of my salvation and what happened with Chris and I that year.....it was an amazing year for us all ...children too....but as this part of the blog is about "friendships" I will press on next time with more of this.
I wonder how you all are?...if life is treating you good? what your own thoughts on friendships are? My prayer is that as I continue to ramble and jot down my thoughts and feelings it will lend insight into life issues that you may also be struggling with and that perhaps together we can makes some sense of the mystery that goes into relationships .May the God of all comfort bless you and enrich each and everyone of you with good friends...friends who will love..support...encourage ,,care and accept who you are in every way.
I have blogged part of my growing up and I think I have reached adult hood in my time line...I am not going to go into details at this point of the friendship I have with my man....he is first and foremost the friend who I turn to..lean on...share with..cry and laugh with but I feel it is more to women that I am writing this blog altho if you are a man reading this ...then read on.
For the first 10 -12 years of my adult life age 19-29...I was busy doing what a lot of folk do in that period...meeting husband to be...marriage..children...settling down etc and like most young couples with children our social life revolved round family/friends gatherings.We didn't have a particularly wide circle of friends but I can honestly say that apart from 1-2 of them we have very little contact with any of them all these years later. I do wonder if the quality of the relationships didn't go deep enough to survive more than the obligatory Christmas card.
When we moved to England I realised just how much I needed friends. I spent the first 6 months of our time down here crying....I was sooooo lonely....I didn't want to be here....I didn't want to stay here...I didn't want to smile and make small talk with people who talked as if they had marbles in their mouth and sometimes didn't understand what I said either. English people lived in a different dimension to us...I didn't possess a diary before I moved here...if I wanted to see a friend I just dropped in...my door was kept on the latch so friends could just knock and walk in...sadly down here...you had to ring first and make and appointment and no-one just knocked on my door and walked in.
I discovered I was pregnant with our third child and this changed my life....I had to get out and make friends...and the first person I made a tentative friendship with was also pregnant...and also a Christian..( I wasn't a Christian at this point)..She was a member of Bracknell Baptist Church.(which later became Bracknell Family Church and nowadays is called Kerith Community Church ) SP was my life saver...life changer...she showed me friendship that changed my whole way of thinking . For many years I had always thought that people couldn't be trusted..shouldn't be trusted...and therefor my relationships were always quite surface and shallow and usually unable to survive any stress or conflict.
SP introduced me to others in her circle and a new journey began for me .Altho still very homesick and struggling with pregnancy ..new house..new way of life..settling the other two children into school and nursery I found myself opening up and sharing myself with her. Perhaps it was the new beginning I had subconsciously yearned for..perhaps it was getting away from all the trauma of childhood and starting afresh in a completely new place where no-one knew me or Chris or our background. Perhaps I thought I could almost re-invent myself and be whoever I chose to be...whatever the reasons I began to settle and feel calmer inside..less homesick..less lonely.
Little did I know that SP and others were already storming heaven on my behalf ..praying for God to draw me close..praying for God to bless me....Praying for God to show me His son Jesus. I knew nothing of this till months later...all I do know is that there was a strange sense of peace and belonging taking root. For some months as we grew fatter with with our babies..we were both due in January and our families began to hang out for walks and play dates etc SP would talk about her church and her faith. I originally wondered if the friendship would fade if I didn't show any interest in her church /religion and this was the first thing I put to the test. I told her in no uncertain terms that I wasn't interested in God...knew little about Jesus and didn't have time for church..and then waited to see what she would do or say.
I think I have said before I have a tendency to be a people pleaser ...rather than risk rejection I can sometimes be a bit of a chameleon and change thoughts or opinions to suit the person or occasion..but I felt it was important to get this out in the open right at the beginning...if she wanted to be my friend it had to be for ME alone and not whether I would believe in her God or go to her church. I wasn't anti..just hadn't really bothered before and certainly didn't want to bother now.It made no difference to our friendship and it continued to grow as we both had our babies within 3 weeks of each other and life settled into routine. I now had a firm friend...our husbands got on well....the kids were similar ages and we could all have tea together or go for walks etc and we had babysitters if needed and life was moving us on.Into this mix we also met and made friends with another couple...and strangely(!)they too were Christians and went to same church as SP .Again unknown to me they too were knocking on the gates of heaven and praying ......I wont go into all the details of my salvation and what happened with Chris and I that year.....it was an amazing year for us all ...children too....but as this part of the blog is about "friendships" I will press on next time with more of this.
I wonder how you all are?...if life is treating you good? what your own thoughts on friendships are? My prayer is that as I continue to ramble and jot down my thoughts and feelings it will lend insight into life issues that you may also be struggling with and that perhaps together we can makes some sense of the mystery that goes into relationships .May the God of all comfort bless you and enrich each and everyone of you with good friends...friends who will love..support...encourage ,,care and accept who you are in every way.
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