Life back to "normal" after our 12 days away in the sun....I didn't make it into the office on Tuesday as we were so delayed getting home it was 3am I think before I feel asleep so spent most of Tuesday zzzzz and sorting out unpacking. But life as we know it resumed on Wednesday...yay...wee boy and me off for a swim together and then Matt and wee boy for afternoon...all well and I was soooo looking forward to Academy day on Thursday after missing two weeks.
It was so fab to see the gang again and be a part of the "buzz"in the room..(note my use of young peoples words .LOL ) but that soon turned to slight anxiety when Ben P announced we were not going to be following the programme but doing somethings different today. YIKES.....I don't do spontaneous and certainly don't do different so anxiety level starts to rise.
Actually the first bit of "different " was great..we got half and hour of silence to "practise the presence of God " and this is my kind of different so was very grateful to have that time just to think and pray and experience God in the silence...Love it.
But then comes the "very different "..Ben announced we were going to have a DEBATE ...yep lets divide into two teams ....be given a topic and have to debate FOR OR AGAINST the topic..so I am already writing words down on my notebook and they say ..
"THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE "
We settled into our two groups and immediately there are 7 people all talking at once and as we were trying to sort out our thoughts and develop an opening statement I just felt as if the entire world was trying to crawl into my personal space...when I am having to adjust my spectrum of hearing to this kind of setting the actual noise level gets louder...its hard to explain but as each person was trying to be heard and there were several conversations going on at same time as well as the noise from the other group I could feel my heart beat get louder and quicker and then it all goes numb. I quickly realised I would possibly have a complete meltdown if I didn't move out. So...waving my book in my hand I shove it under Ben's nose so he could read it and then made my escape out into garden trying to look cool calm and collected !! Hoping the gang might think I just needed some fresh air !!
Got as far as the steps and the tears just fell out of my eyes...you know the type ..nothing keeps them back ..gravity pulls and down they go mixing with the snot as I fumbled for my tissue....Solitude...quiet....bliss...as my senses calmed down and I felt less panic stricken I just felt an idiot.. Here I am at 57 years old walking out of the classroom in tears...how juvenile is that and worse to come I would have to go back in and face them all...arrggghhhh...where is my car when I need to run away .
I was only out there a matter of 2-3 minutes when the door opened and Ben P and Dan B come out...Rescued by the boys....both young enough to be my sons who just let me be a mess for another couple of minutes ..didn't attempt to fix me..just listened as I tried to explain how I feel at times with my deafness...I immediately felt calmer and more relaxed cos they were obviously understanding me completely.
Strangely it felt absolutely fine going back in after just another couple of minutes....Dan re-assured me I wouldn't have to do anything ..but I could just read the opening statement and the bible verses...he wrote it out for me and let me have a minute or so to get my head round where we were going and what I had to do...then the debate started...I honestly felt complete peace...no-one gave me funny looks..and I felt no embarrassment .!! These students are the best...such treasures ...a generation that God is going to use for great things ..BUT for me ..way more than that I felt they were my family..my friends and in that kind of relationship I could just be myself...didn't have to make excuses or be silly or apologise...just could be me with all my little foibles and hang ups.
I actually enjoyed the debate...but seriously I don't want to go there too often.
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