Shadow Of Victory

Friday, 4 September 2009

September 4th Working through Willow ..cont.

Chris has been called out to help Son In Law to mend car sneaking off to post on the blog till he comes back. I appreciate all your comments and emails...I admit to only publishing the ones which I think will be helpful for others to read. I thought I would continue this section of the blog with one of the other "Ruts " I felt God had spoke to about.I have one more to follow and hope to get to that over weekend.

Social Times......I admit to being a bit of a split part of me wants to have lots of contact with friends and then another part of me wants to be on my own and at times I can find myself confused between the two.I know that many of you think I have loads of buddies and am always busy....but the truth is that I spend a lot of time on my own and most evenings Chris and I are on our own. We have a couple of people we hang out with fairly regularly both individually and as couples but apart from that our main contacts with others is at church or life group or meetings. At times when I hear of parties that people have or have been to..and gatherings and I wonder why I or we are not invited....I honestly cant remember the last party I was invited too.So the myth that I have loads of friends and always busy is exactly that ...a myth.

A lot of the feelings I have about socialising is still wrapped up in the past....still feel that no-one actually wants to spend time with me...or invite me anywhere....and going to Willow with a dozen people who don't figure in my social life was a huge step of faith for truth it was a huge step of fear really.Hanging out with people I don't know well is my worst kind of nightmare and I know that God wants this to change. This "rut" has controlled so much of my life that it seems normal and I know its one big thing I am aiming to change and have already been changing.If you have read my previous blog entries you will know that it turned out really well and I felt 100% accepted and wanted and as far as I am concerned I had a great time with everyone.

The first thing we did when we came back from Willow we had a gathering of people round for the evening...this was about half we knew fairly well and half we only knew a bit....probably the first time we have had so many in our home for years.I was really nervous and was sure hardly any of them would come...but of the 18 we invited....16 came....and with Chris and I there were 18 people here and despite the panic about the space and room etc...I really enjoyed the evening. Fortunately it was a cool evening and we were able to have the drinks and nibbles in garden and altho I suggested we go into living room to view the photos in 2 lots they all piled in at the same time and I just went with the flow....bums were everywhere..on floor ..on arm of chairs...on kiddies chair....whatever..we just had a fun time..For those of you who regularly have people round it may seem a small thing..but for me it was an immense mountain for me to climb and I am quite proud of myself.

The second thing I have done was quite amusing really....I read an article in Sunday paper about Facebook and how we have so many virtual friends but how many would actually meet you for a coffee.!. The author of the article had posted on FB..."anyone fancy a coffee tomorrow" and altho she has 320 friends listed in her FB ..only 2 people replied and none were able to actually meet her. So....I am amazed that I did this as it is sooooo out of my comfort zone but I did the same .On the Sunday evening I posted that I was free Monday and did anyone want to meet for a coffee?? I had quite a few replies saying that folk would have loved to but were working or whatever and I had one reply from a young woman who I know...but not well. I have never socialised with her...never had coffee with her and as I was old enough to be her mother I was quite surprised that she wanted to have a coffee with me. Anyway ..we met up and had a lovely hour or so together and I got to know her a wee bit better ....and more than that I felt again quite proud of myself that I had taken the step and enjoyed myself with a lovely and very courageous young woman who is going through a tough time in her life.

The third aspect of this "Rut" is to accept fully that people do want to spend time with me....I have been mentored this last year by Caroline and so many times this came up in our chatting...that I struggled with anyone actually wanting to be with me and despite Caroline saying so many times that she was enjoying the time and had got so much out of it herself and was sad the actual mentoring time was coming to an end...I still was struggling to believe it fully. We arranged to go out for a meal to bring the formal part to a close (we have known each other for decades so we are not disappearing from each others lives )and again she said she had been looking forward to seeing me and excited to catch up with me and I truly felt as if I absorbed her words into my spirit without any of the usual doubts creeping in. Caroline may sometimes have wondered if mentoring me had produced fruit or was of benefit but as far as I am concerned it has been a timely and God given intervention at just the right stage of my life and I am deeply grateful for her friendship.

Finally .....I have been overwhelmed by the feedback from you girls (and the odd one or two guys who also read the blog ) who read my blog and deeply appreciate your comments / emails and again this has helped me to realise that I am not alone in some of the feelings and insecurities I have shared. I believe that isolation both in the physical and the spiritual is a huge problem for us and perhaps knowing that we all at times have feelings in common has helped each of us to face our fears...feelings and pain. I am also aware that some of you have shared that you would like to chat more about stuff and one of the ways in which I am aiming to get out of this "rut" is to make myself more available to friends. By that I mean....YOU.....Please please please dont get caught in the myth that I have loads of friends and am always busy...I am not!!! I am here and I am looking to build on the friendships I have and also to make new ones too. I have recently re-connected with an old friend who used to be in the church....we didnt hang out socially much but we did hang out in various church activities and as a result of the blog and FB we are hoping to get together in next couple of weeks for coffee and catch up and I am sooo looking forward to that.

John ch 16 v 12 and 13 says this..."My command is this: Love one another as I have loved you. Love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no-one than this ,that he lay down his life for his friends."

Getting out of this trench/rut and heading for the horizon is going to be an adventure..a challenge...a joy....will you join me in this "loving one another "and see what God will do??

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