Shadow Of Victory

Friday, 18 September 2009

September 18th...Wading through Willow.

I said in last entry it would be my final one re apologies but here I am again...but I am hoping to get this finished before I go on holiday.I am still on the subject of Ruts...Trenches...and Horizons....and wading my way through the weight issues. Its funny old thing being fat....for most people being fat...(or overweight if we want to be polite about it..)it is fairly apparent why we are that way..unless there is an underlying medical reason or on some medications which blow us up...but apart from that it is nearly always that we overeat.Whether like me it is a sugar thing...or that chips and bread are the downfall or too much pasta and is too much you get fat versus eat less and lose weight.

The other thing about obesity is that it cant be hidden....many other things that people struggle with in the realm of addictions can be hidden...I found out recently that a woman I have known for several years..smokes...and I never suspected or noticed as she keeps it hidden...I suspect many folk have addictions to pornography..medications...shopaholics...alcohol ...swearing....telling lies...stealing...who knows what hidden things there are in peoples lives....But you cant hide is there..right in front of our eyes.

Strangely...if we saw someone inject drugs into their veins or knock back three bottles of whisky we may be tempted to tackle them about it..especially if they were our friends and if they were Christians we would be more likely to be in their lives and looking to help them beat the addiction...but obesity...or gluttony rarely tackled. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of friends who have spoken out about my weight over the years and most of my friends are just as likely to share my cake or ice cream than talk to me about it.!!!

If I am truly honest I wonder if I have the inner strength to once again make that climb out of the trench.I have failed so many times that I feel defeated even before I begin. It is hard to explain how defeated I many respects its as if I have given up this battle and just laid down . It just seems far too much effort and yet what lies ahead for me if I don't choose to make a move ...ill health...inability to function well...tiredness and fatigue making it difficult to continue my work with children....too fat to wear my lovely yellow car parking jacket and run around my favourite place church car park.!!and I guess if I stay in this trench..early death brought about by poor health.

I am off on holiday this next week and because I am so fat...I know I will be uncomfortable in the heat...I know that the swimming cossie will reveal me in all my glory to strangers round the pool and on the beach..just as well they will be I wouldn't want any of you lot to see me.!! I know I will tire when out walking and each and every time I am limited I will be shouting deep in my spirit..."you stupid stupid woman!" see this is what every one who has addictions says every time they fail to keep themselves free..we pound ourselves mercilessly and beat ourselves up and we keep on trying and trying to break free and altho I cant speak for others I know that I constantly beg God to help release me cleanse deliver heal me....I am constantly confessing and repenting sometimes on a daily basis.....

This Rut or Thorn is now out in the the prayer meeting this evening we were praying re our church fellowship..that we would be a community where people could be open and vulnerable and whatever circumstances we find ourselves in that we could talk openly and share without feelings of shame or condemnation..or thinking that people would judge us .....In this last year as I have opened myself up in a deeper way than ever before I can say that it has been immensely liberating and sharing some very deep and painful experiences both past and present has brought a real freedom to my spirit and has somehow or other deepened the precious friendships I had and opened up the way for new friends to come into my life.

So...where to from here.....I have pretty much finished blogging about all the things that God spoke to me about at Willow....I am so looking forward to the Summit being held at Kerith Community Church on the 2nd and 3rd of October and if you haven't booked in yet....please do consider coming along as it will inspire you.

For me and my rut...I am once more going to aim for the horizon....I cant promise to make it but I am not giving up...I cant give feet may be made of clay...but my spirit is once more scanning the edge of the trench and looking for footholds to climb out. Perhaps one or two of you would lean down and grab my hand...perhaps help me start the climb by praying for me....perhaps asking me gently if I am moving forward....perhaps walk some of the way with me....perhaps walk ahead of me so I don't lose my way..perhaps walk behind me in case I am tempted to turn back....perhaps hold my hand when I am lonely...perhaps laugh with me when I am striding on madly ..perhaps cry with me when I fail....perhaps bring me back to earth when i get too cocky...perhaps speak words of encouragement when I falter...perhaps tell me often that I am more than a conqueror...perhaps cheer me on when I reach a goal .... perhaps just be quiet when you sense I cant cope with words...perhaps give me a hug when my shoulders droop and the tears of failure fall once again.....and when I have run this race with my eyes fixed on the prize and reach the finishing line ...perhaps we can celebrate together in the presence of our precious saviour Jesus.


Ruthie said...

Hello dear friend. Yes I too am awake at this very silly hour...jet lag, not something I'd recommend!

Sometimes being overweight is about the emotional issues that have gone on in the past and are being dealt with now. Other times it is simply greed & gluttony.

As an overweight person (I'm heavier now than I've ever been), I'm beginning to get to the bottom of why I eat like I do and it is to do with a deep seated unhappiness & low self esteem which is all rooted in the things of the past. But these things can change if I want them to...and I do.

I made a decision just in the last couple of days that from Monday I will begin my journey of returning to a healthy weight for me (which is around 11 stone) and will exercise on a daily basis, whether this is the gym or badminton or a walk or just racing around at work! :0)

You are welcome to join me and/or keep me accountable. And when I have moments of failure, ply me with lettuce and not chocolate!

Thank you for your honesty and I encourage you to make good choices even when it's the tough route to take...I'm speaking to myself too.

Love you very much and have a wonderful time away. xx

caroline said...

In the spirit of 'openness'... have you considered Irene that we...women of our age... have the added bummer of hormones messing with our minds and screwing things up mightily? So making it harder to cope with things that we, at other times, would manage better, if not perfectly well?
I think you give yourself (ARE giving yourself) a raw deal right now and maybe you haven't thought of it? You're obviously stressed out (and it's so great you're off on holiday now as you patently need it) and the shingles is a sure fire sign you've been overdoing it. And the mulling over weight problems, and the horrendous swimsuit dilema (argh!). Lighten up on yourself, you're a candidate for 'strongest girl I know' prize if you but knew it (oh, well you do now :) ). Stop with the beating yourself up, get some DRUGS for the cheering up of, and don't let it all get you down so much because WE'RE ALLOWED!!
Love you girl.
x Caroline

Jacqui W-G said...

Hi Irene. Your raw vulnerability is astounding. I think you will find that 90% of women struggle with issues over their weight. I must admit that I am not able to talk to people about this issue as it comes over as being a judgement. But I do judge people I don't know. There is currently an obsession on TV about obesity and I know that it is of great concern to schools and health professionals as many of is hasten our death and destroy our quality of life through moments on indescretion.

I remember Melita had a sign on her fridge" a moment on the lips-a lifetime on the hips" and a funnier one " little pickers wear bigger knickers".

Perhaps you could think of asking someone to help you be accountable. I suggest you try for a month and see how it goes. Give yourself some daily acheivable goals and start small. That person would not be one who would share a cake with you. I have a suggestion of who would be strong and kind and would lead you to Christ in it all.

irene m said...

thanks J...all support..encouragement and suggestions welcomed

Sandra in Bonnie Scotland said...

Hi Irene, as one of your oldest (i.e. longest known!) pals I am so very, very pleased that you have at last opened up to us all about what you and I know is has been nigh on a lifetime (so far!) issue for us both, though - and I hope you don't mind my point - more for you than I. You've got so many encouraging words of wisdom and support from us must heed and grasp them all cos we're all so proud of your honesty and openness in this blog. It's NOT going to be easy, but YOU CAN DO IT - yes, yet again! You know I've battled all these years too, and - without nagging - if you want that chocolate, HAVE JUST 1-2 SQUARES ONLY, and yes, eat "healthily" at all other times...the weight won't drop off overnight, but do this and it will drop. Luv ya to bits my special pal...need to get together in 2010!
PS - Jessica will be back in UK for Dougie! Hope you have a fab holiday with Chris - what am I saying, of course I KNOW you'll have the best time with your soulmate, no question about that!

Geri said...

People think that because I am thin that I don't struggle with my weight. All the women in my family have weight issues and 2 have had eating disorders. My mother has been overweight all my life, tho she didn't used to be. I look at her and my sisters and am so afraid of going through the same thing. Twice I have gained and lost an extra 2 stone and the way I did it was with a low fat, calorie controlled diet and exercise. Easily said, but if I hadn't paid the dues to the Rosemary Conely leader, knowing I was getting weighed everyday, having that accountability, I would never have succeeded.

It really is such a 'mind' thing. I desparately don't want to be fat like others in my family, but that's not the best reason for losing weight. It is vanity, pure and simple, and not wanting to spend money on larger clothes sizes! I rarely think about it being about being healthier, tho cutting out dairy and wheat for my IBS has helped.

I am with you friend, and will support you any way I can. I love you and I'm behind you all the way!