GRANNYS GAP YEAR (13)The Fellowship of the Mat

I have just come home from a church conference for women . Its my 6th year at this conference and I really love being away from home for 3 days and enjoy the leisure time of no cooking housework or child care. I tend to go with the same friend (s) and we book our own rooms so we can have "me " time and space and privacy. The worship and teaching whilst amazing and life changing isn't what I most enjoy.

What keeps me going every year is the time given over to friendship.....Everyone knows that to get the best out of  anything is to spend TIME...whether it be your work...your marriage ..your hobby...everything in life requires us to make time to gain the very best out of it.

I am sure I have blogged many times about friendship ....its such an important part of our lives together and even more so for me in the last 3 months as I have had several "hiccups" in my daily life. I thought for  a short time that I had depression but after several sessions with my amazing doctor and trying a couple of different medications we both have concluded that its not depression but anxiety !!....

For all of my life I have been a "fixer"...if its broke I want to fix it..or at least give it my very best shot at trying to fix it.. I am not referring to a laptop that has stopped working or a car that needs a new alternator....I am a fixer of people...I want everyone I know to be okay...I want my husband to be happy and satisfied with his life..his work and our relationship...I want my home to be clean and tidy...I want my work with Matt to give him a great experience when he is with us....I want Elisha to have an amazing granny day with so much love and kisses. ..I want our time spent with our eldest son and partner and my oldest grand daughter to be filled with laughter when we visit them.... I want Cat and Nick to have as many babies as God grants them...and I want to hold my newest grand daughter Orlaith  and smother her gorgeous little face with granny kisses whilst her mummy and daddy sit and sup beer and eat burgers in the garden. I want my Dorset buddy who has cancer to know a sovereign healing from God and live till she is 90 years old.!!...I could list many more "wants" and write about other people and other desires as I am sure most people have similar feelings too.

I want each of my friends to have all that their hearts desire....and if I hear any whisper from them that I can possibly fulfil then I will happily aim to fix it  for them. If they want a lift...I can do that..if they need some company..yep I can do that...if they need to pour out their burdens then I will carry them ...if they have a prayer request..yep call on me...I am a fixer by nature and a fixer by desire too. I never have felt it a heavy load it comes naturally to me to try...

BUT ...this last three months I have realised in a heart stopping head on collision kind of way that I CANT be a fixer all the time....This is what my doctor and I discussed last time we met. I cant fix everyone...all the time...of everything....and after years and years of trying and more often that not succeeding in fixing whatever has been needed there are still many things I may never fix. This is what has been the underlying cause of the "hiccup" I am experiencing. The anxiety is buried way down deep in my spirit that I cant fix certain things...I cant wave magic wands and make  things better for everyone and I have found that quite hard to cope with..

In the last three months in particular...with Cat and Nick going through their 3rd IVF cycle...moving house....and then the excitement with baby Orlaith arriving .... .I was having trouble sleeping...not being able to concentrate..not wanting to leave the house ..sleeping during the day...crying for no real reason.....and a handful of other "hiccups" manifested itself and forced me to the visit the doctor.

As I have been away this last few days I have had time to think...to pray...to find a spacious place just to hear God and feel his peace fill me....I know I am on a journey. I am reminded of the trilogy The Lord of the Rings and I think the first film was called "the fellowship of the ring?" it brought to mind the assignment I wrote for Academy. We were asked to write about a character in scripture that we identified with and relate what was written to our own lives. I chose the character who was crippled that had four friends who carried him to Jesus on a mat and lowered him through the roof so that Jesus could heal him. I didn't actually write about him but wrote about the four friends.I like to think of these four as "the fellowship of the mat "  Frodo would never have won through without the help of his friends.....I am 100% convinced that no one can get by in life without friends and friends who are able and willing to be mat carriers. Its a two way journey...at times we need to be carried and other times we carry their mats..its a journey...a fellowship...that is God centred and unconditional.

This man would never have been able to get his healing...wouldn't have been able to get near to Jesus if his friends hadn't carried him . I wrote about the friends who over the years had carried me (figuratively ) on my mat into the presence of Jesus...whether for healing or prayer or company or whatever I needed they carried my mat.  In these last three months when I have had to lay myself back down onto my "mat" I haven't been able to get near to Jesus myself...BUT my friends have picked up a corner of my mat and broke through the crowds and pressed into Jesus and taken me with them...I have had cards...texts..letters...flowers..visits....prayers...FBook funnies..hugs..hand holding..shoulders to lean and cry on.....lunches...cuppas....walks...my mat is getting carried ever closer to my saviour my healer and I can actually breathe again without the anxiety that had begun to cripple me .

I am not going to suddenly leap of the mat and start fixing again because I know this season for me is to rest and let God take me ever closer to him where I can leave my anxiety and leave all the things and people I want to fix for him .My daughter and hubby were unsuccessful with their IVF cycle so I need to lay that anxiety down at the foot of the cross..and wait for God to heal the ache in my heart ...My new grand daughter Orlaith is 7 weeks old and hasn't been out of SCBU and is now at Great Ormond Street and I need to lay that anxiety down at the foot of the cross and wait for God to heal her and bring her home and soothe the ache I feel in my heart for Orlaith and her mummy and daddy....I need to lay the anxiety I carry about my Dorset buddy at the foot of the cross and ask again and again for God to heal her and to dry the tears I have shed for her and to enjoy the times I have with her as a gift.

Yesterday at the conference as we all sat on the terrace having tea and biscuits after an amazing worship session and teaching..I had a text from Orlaiths mummy and daddy with a wee picture of her all wrapped in a blanket in a cot in Great Ormond Street....I knew under the blanket that she had IV lines and NG tubes and all sorts of medical stuff but she looked just beautiful with her gorgeous black hair and squidgy cheeks....and as I sat there in the sunshine listening to the chatter of my friends I could feel the anxiety taking root ...it would have been so easy to just sit there and ignore the feelings and hide and let everyone think I was fine...but  the eyes began to leak and the breathing became harder as I felt my heart beating faster....I reached out to the friend on my left and whispered "I need a hug"....she wrapped me in her arms....one other friend leaned over and held my hand...another friend tucked a tissue to wipe the snot away whilst the others I guess carried a little of my ache as I talked to them.....its tough being on the mat....but how much tougher would it be without mat carriers .....My final whisper ....are you on a mat.?? do you need to lay down for a season and let others carry your mat??....or are you in a season of bravery ..strength and confidence that you could carry someone else on their mat??