Grannys Gap Year (11) Tears for Souvenirs

We are officially half way through the year of Academy now . So amazed to think I have completed six months and only have six more to go. What on earth will I do when it is over ?? I am trying not to think about it and just want to enjoy every moment of this God given year. I would be less than honest to say its not been hard. Finding the time to study,write,research and serve amidst a life that is already busy with work and family has been a constant tension and I know that I am very aware that I am not as young as I like to think! I get more tired  as I struggle keep going . Yet it is a good "tired" not a soul searing "cant go on tired " more a " God please help me " kind of tired.Next week is a reading week which for me basically means I don't have to be at Academy for the two days in the week and don't have to serve on Sunday at the end of the week but its likely that my life will just expand into those gaps and I am pretty sure I wont actually do much " reading".

The title of this post " tears for souvenirs " is a real throwback to an old song by singer Ken Dodd...it may well have been covered by others but he is the singer I remember mainly because my mum had the record. I am talking an old 45 vinyl and if you have no idea what that is then ask someone over 45 years of age! In the song the lyrics say something like this

"Tears cant mend a broken heart
 Lets forgive and forget
 turn our tears of regret 
 once more into tears of happiness"

Each week that's gone by in Academy I have asked God to open my heart and give me ears to hear and eyes to see and have concentrated on learning all I can from the leaders who have shared their hearts with us all . As I have studied scripture and  I have written notes and assignments and I have given precious time to serving each week with Konstruction Krew and  served behind the scenes as part of the Academy ethos and as I have chatted and spent time with the other students and watched us all grow closer as time has gone by I have shed so many tears ,I seem to cry so much more these days and realise that God is once again softening my heart. Maybe I was dry and thirsty and didn't realise it ? Maybe I had grown hard hearted and didn't know it ? Maybe I had gotten careless of my salvation and took it for granted without being daily thankful? I don't know exactly why the tears seem to flow so easily,but I have come to welcome them and not to be afraid of them or embarrassed.

Today I heard two of the students share their "preach" and both were completely different yet both challenged me in different ways. The first talked about " building " ... challenging me to look at what am I building my life on? The second spoke about "favoritism"... challenging me not to judge people on what they do but on who they are .Then I listened to one of my hero's who "critiqued" their talk expand more on what they had said. Later we had several other leaders whose words all seem to link to one another and form a theme all the way through the day. I found myself once more crying !! I have spent last hour or so on my own just reflecting on why the tears are flowing and asking God if he can show me why I am so weepy and as I said earlier I started to sing this song in my spirit. Now usually I get a churchy kind of song which resonates on repeat in my head but this time it was a golden oldie from the Diddy man !

This is what I feel God is saying and doing in my life .....Over the last few months I have been doing a lot of thinking ,talking and writing about my past and realising that my tears over what was so hard to live through can never  "mend a broken heart " and as I have once more prayed through all the tough times and spoken out about them God "turned my tears of regret into tears of happiness" and that only God could have accomplished this. God...through his precious son Jesus and the gift of grace given to me through his death and resurrection is the reason I have been enabled to turn my regret to happiness. So all I know is the tears may just keep on flowing and I may look back in times to come and say it was a year of tears! But I believe that I will know them as "souvenirs " of what God is doing.  I still have six months to go so who knows how many tears have still to fall or how many tissues I may have used by Graduation Day in July.!!

Three other very small but significant things happened today that I will end this blog entry with.
One of the students said something which has taken root deep into my soul and later she leaned over and wrote something on my notebook. The combination of both the written and spoken words she shared have caused my spirit to be thankful of the restoration I have known. Let me share them briefly with you ...she first of all said something like..

"You are a challenge to me because you have such contentment with your life "

Then she wrote on my notepad ....

"Always have a friend who has the gift of wisdom (and you are mine ) "

and finally the thrill ( sad person I am ) of getting my assignment back with the word  "Distinction" written on it.

Yep...my "tears will be souvenirs" of this Academy Year.