I am getting to the end of my Willow Warbles...but cant decide if I am waving goodbye as it is now over 6 weeks since we were there...or if I am waving hello as its only 3 more days till the Summit comes to Bracknell...Have you booked in yet...if not..its not too late and I would love to see you there ..its top quality stuff and not to be missed. I cant wait to be there...
I am serving in car park ( yippee )and really looking forward to hanging out with the team and welcoming everyone to this two day conference. In a way it will also be great to hear the speakers once more and see if God has anything else to say to me or to confirm that which I have already picked up.
I have blogged in great detail re Ruts and Trenches and to recap..
my weight issues
social times and friendships
my leadership gifting
my techie phobia
I have had some good feedback from all these points raised and am encouraged once more that you take the time to email me or leave a comment on the blog for others to benefit from too. Sadly I seem to also get one or two negative emails so would appreciate your prayers as I deal with these...
I would love to meet up with some of you and thought I may do an Open House kinda thing one evening if you thought this might be something we could enjoy and benefit from.We could pick a topic that I have uncovered and share our lives a bit deeper and see where it takes us?? Let me know if this is something that might appeal and please do feel free to invite me into your life for a coffee or chat one day....
This isn't a long blog entry re Willow..just touching base ....I have a couple of things I may blog about later this week and then hopefully I can finish up Willow after the Summit weekend.
Shadow Of Victory
Monday, 28 September 2009
Friday, 18 September 2009
September 18th...Wading through Willow.
I said in last entry it would be my final one re Willow..so apologies but here I am again...but I am hoping to get this finished before I go on holiday.I am still on the subject of Ruts...Trenches...and Horizons....and wading my way through the weight issues. Its funny old thing being fat....for most people being fat...(or overweight if we want to be polite about it..)it is fairly apparent why we are that way..unless there is an underlying medical reason or on some medications which blow us up...but apart from that it is nearly always that we overeat.Whether like me it is a sugar thing...or that chips and bread are the downfall or too much pasta and burgers...whatever.it is simply..eat too much you get fat versus eat less and lose weight.
The other thing about obesity is that it cant be hidden....many other things that people struggle with in the realm of addictions can be hidden...I found out recently that a woman I have known for several years..smokes...and I never suspected or noticed as she keeps it hidden...I suspect many folk have addictions to pornography..medications...shopaholics...alcohol ...swearing....telling lies...stealing...who knows what hidden things there are in peoples lives....But you cant hide obesity..it is there..right in front of our eyes.
Strangely...if we saw someone inject drugs into their veins or knock back three bottles of whisky we may be tempted to tackle them about it..especially if they were our friends and if they were Christians we would be more likely to be in their lives and looking to help them beat the addiction...but obesity...or gluttony ...is rarely tackled. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of friends who have spoken out about my weight over the years and most of my friends are just as likely to share my cake or ice cream than talk to me about it.!!!
If I am truly honest I wonder if I have the inner strength to once again make that climb out of the trench.I have failed so many times that I feel defeated even before I begin. It is hard to explain how defeated I feel...in many respects its as if I have given up this battle and just laid down . It just seems far too much effort and yet what lies ahead for me if I don't choose to make a move ...ill health...inability to function well...tiredness and fatigue making it difficult to continue my work with children....too fat to wear my lovely yellow car parking jacket and run around my favourite place ..ie church car park.!!and I guess if I stay in this trench..early death brought about by poor health.
I am off on holiday this next week and because I am so fat...I know I will be uncomfortable in the heat...I know that the swimming cossie will reveal me in all my glory to strangers round the pool and on the beach..just as well they will be strangers...as I wouldn't want any of you lot to see me.!! I know I will tire when out walking and each and every time I am limited I will be shouting deep in my spirit..."you stupid stupid woman!"..you see this is what every one who has addictions says every time they fail to keep themselves free..we pound ourselves mercilessly and beat ourselves up and we keep on trying and trying to break free and altho I cant speak for others I know that I constantly beg God to help me..to release me ..to cleanse me...to deliver me...to heal me....I am constantly confessing and repenting sometimes on a daily basis.....
This Rut or Thorn is now out in the open...at the prayer meeting this evening we were praying re our church fellowship..that we would be a community where people could be open and vulnerable and whatever circumstances we find ourselves in that we could talk openly and share without feelings of shame or condemnation..or thinking that people would judge us .....In this last year as I have opened myself up in a deeper way than ever before I can say that it has been immensely liberating and sharing some very deep and painful experiences both past and present has brought a real freedom to my spirit and has somehow or other deepened the precious friendships I had and opened up the way for new friends to come into my life.
So...where to from here.....I have pretty much finished blogging about all the things that God spoke to me about at Willow....I am so looking forward to the Summit being held at Kerith Community Church on the 2nd and 3rd of October and if you haven't booked in yet....please do consider coming along as it will inspire you.
For me and my rut...I am once more going to aim for the horizon....I cant promise to make it but I am not giving up...I cant give up....my feet may be made of clay...but my spirit is once more scanning the edge of the trench and looking for footholds to climb out. Perhaps one or two of you would lean down and grab my hand...perhaps help me start the climb by praying for me....perhaps asking me gently if I am moving forward....perhaps walk some of the way with me....perhaps walk ahead of me so I don't lose my way..perhaps walk behind me in case I am tempted to turn back....perhaps hold my hand when I am lonely...perhaps laugh with me when I am striding on madly ..perhaps cry with me when I fail....perhaps bring me back to earth when i get too cocky...perhaps speak words of encouragement when I falter...perhaps tell me often that I am more than a conqueror...perhaps cheer me on when I reach a goal .... perhaps just be quiet when you sense I cant cope with words...perhaps give me a hug when my shoulders droop and the tears of failure fall once again.....and when I have run this race with my eyes fixed on the prize and reach the finishing line ...perhaps we can celebrate together in the presence of our precious saviour Jesus.
The other thing about obesity is that it cant be hidden....many other things that people struggle with in the realm of addictions can be hidden...I found out recently that a woman I have known for several years..smokes...and I never suspected or noticed as she keeps it hidden...I suspect many folk have addictions to pornography..medications...shopaholics...alcohol ...swearing....telling lies...stealing...who knows what hidden things there are in peoples lives....But you cant hide obesity..it is there..right in front of our eyes.
Strangely...if we saw someone inject drugs into their veins or knock back three bottles of whisky we may be tempted to tackle them about it..especially if they were our friends and if they were Christians we would be more likely to be in their lives and looking to help them beat the addiction...but obesity...or gluttony ...is rarely tackled. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of friends who have spoken out about my weight over the years and most of my friends are just as likely to share my cake or ice cream than talk to me about it.!!!
If I am truly honest I wonder if I have the inner strength to once again make that climb out of the trench.I have failed so many times that I feel defeated even before I begin. It is hard to explain how defeated I feel...in many respects its as if I have given up this battle and just laid down . It just seems far too much effort and yet what lies ahead for me if I don't choose to make a move ...ill health...inability to function well...tiredness and fatigue making it difficult to continue my work with children....too fat to wear my lovely yellow car parking jacket and run around my favourite place ..ie church car park.!!and I guess if I stay in this trench..early death brought about by poor health.
I am off on holiday this next week and because I am so fat...I know I will be uncomfortable in the heat...I know that the swimming cossie will reveal me in all my glory to strangers round the pool and on the beach..just as well they will be strangers...as I wouldn't want any of you lot to see me.!! I know I will tire when out walking and each and every time I am limited I will be shouting deep in my spirit..."you stupid stupid woman!"..you see this is what every one who has addictions says every time they fail to keep themselves free..we pound ourselves mercilessly and beat ourselves up and we keep on trying and trying to break free and altho I cant speak for others I know that I constantly beg God to help me..to release me ..to cleanse me...to deliver me...to heal me....I am constantly confessing and repenting sometimes on a daily basis.....
This Rut or Thorn is now out in the open...at the prayer meeting this evening we were praying re our church fellowship..that we would be a community where people could be open and vulnerable and whatever circumstances we find ourselves in that we could talk openly and share without feelings of shame or condemnation..or thinking that people would judge us .....In this last year as I have opened myself up in a deeper way than ever before I can say that it has been immensely liberating and sharing some very deep and painful experiences both past and present has brought a real freedom to my spirit and has somehow or other deepened the precious friendships I had and opened up the way for new friends to come into my life.
So...where to from here.....I have pretty much finished blogging about all the things that God spoke to me about at Willow....I am so looking forward to the Summit being held at Kerith Community Church on the 2nd and 3rd of October and if you haven't booked in yet....please do consider coming along as it will inspire you.
For me and my rut...I am once more going to aim for the horizon....I cant promise to make it but I am not giving up...I cant give up....my feet may be made of clay...but my spirit is once more scanning the edge of the trench and looking for footholds to climb out. Perhaps one or two of you would lean down and grab my hand...perhaps help me start the climb by praying for me....perhaps asking me gently if I am moving forward....perhaps walk some of the way with me....perhaps walk ahead of me so I don't lose my way..perhaps walk behind me in case I am tempted to turn back....perhaps hold my hand when I am lonely...perhaps laugh with me when I am striding on madly ..perhaps cry with me when I fail....perhaps bring me back to earth when i get too cocky...perhaps speak words of encouragement when I falter...perhaps tell me often that I am more than a conqueror...perhaps cheer me on when I reach a goal .... perhaps just be quiet when you sense I cant cope with words...perhaps give me a hug when my shoulders droop and the tears of failure fall once again.....and when I have run this race with my eyes fixed on the prize and reach the finishing line ...perhaps we can celebrate together in the presence of our precious saviour Jesus.
Thursday, 17 September 2009
September 17th.Working through Willow.....
This will be my last post re Willow Creek and it takes me nicely into the next "thorn " that I was planning on writing about.I am still on the subject of "Ruts and Trenches "...and this last one has been the most difficult for me to blog about but at the risk of repeating myself "writing is my best chance of happiness". For me the whole act of writing it down and getting it out in the open has been hugely healing and I find myself growing more "together" within my heart..spirit ..and soul.
So...this rut....I have been so far down in the trenches with this for so many years that I cant even see the horizon really...I peek above the edge at times then find it so much easier just to slip back down into the warmth and security of the trench.I am talking about my life long battle with my weight.
I say...life long...but in truth I had no problem with my weight as a child or teenager...the few photos of me I have seen or possess show a normal sized 5 year old and an 8 year old and a fairly good looking size 14 when I met Chris at age 17. The battle began when I became sexually active and as many of you know Chris and I lived together for 5 years and had our first son when I was 19.
Through years of counselling ...both Christian and non Christian ...I have come to understand a lot about why that happened and where the connection started etc.and it has its roots in the sexual abuse that went on through most of my childhood.I am not going to labour on this as its doesn't make good reading and its not an ongoing issue but the fact remains that being overweight is tied into my sexual image of myself.
I have climbed out of the ruts many times and those of you who have known me the longest will have seen me lose weight quite spectacularly..many times.!!! I think I once added up the amount of weight I have lost over 30 years and its something like 100 stones...hee hee...but sadly its the same 5-6 stone over and over again.!! Again..those of you who know me will know i don't overeat ordinary food...you wont find me eating 6 course meals or eating huge portions of chips or bread...my addiction is sweet things....give me a choice between a steak and a pudding and I will forgo the steak every time.....give me a choice between a packet of crisps and a chocolate biscuit and I will always choose the chocolate biscuit.
I have delved into this quite deeply over the years and memories have surfaced over and over again in that I was given sweets whenever the abuse happened and whenever life got too tough for my mum or whoever I was living with at the time then decent meals and cooking was always the first to go and rice puddings and bread and jam were the menu of convenience. I was given bread and sugar for my tea almost everyday and was sent to bed often with a drink of hot sugary tea and jammy sarnies.Consequently at my worst you will find me eating chocolate in bed.!!!
In 2007 I lost over 6 stone in weight and had counselling at the same time and many of these issues were raised in the sessions and I honestly thought I had climbed over the top of the trench and was making a bee line for the horizon... Sadly I have once more lost this battle and have spent this last year putting a fair percentage of the weight back on once again.The counselling revealed that it wasn't the sexual issues that was the main cause now but the two fold fact that YES I have a sugar addiction but also whenever my emotions are surface I then seem to need the fix of sugar to help me get back some control. This isn't just depression type of emotion but its also any kind of high emotion..so anger and even great joy can cause me to hit the chocolate.I know that for many years I was " trained " not to show emotion of any kind and now find it difficult to let myself be free enough to show my emotions for fear of rejection..abandonment or of some one being offended...and perhaps I am afraid of being too happy in case it doesn't last...so hit the choccie or ice cream..or muffin and be in a safe sugar haze...
This blog entry is too long so I will continue it tomorrow.
So...this rut....I have been so far down in the trenches with this for so many years that I cant even see the horizon really...I peek above the edge at times then find it so much easier just to slip back down into the warmth and security of the trench.I am talking about my life long battle with my weight.
I say...life long...but in truth I had no problem with my weight as a child or teenager...the few photos of me I have seen or possess show a normal sized 5 year old and an 8 year old and a fairly good looking size 14 when I met Chris at age 17. The battle began when I became sexually active and as many of you know Chris and I lived together for 5 years and had our first son when I was 19.
Through years of counselling ...both Christian and non Christian ...I have come to understand a lot about why that happened and where the connection started etc.and it has its roots in the sexual abuse that went on through most of my childhood.I am not going to labour on this as its doesn't make good reading and its not an ongoing issue but the fact remains that being overweight is tied into my sexual image of myself.
I have climbed out of the ruts many times and those of you who have known me the longest will have seen me lose weight quite spectacularly..many times.!!! I think I once added up the amount of weight I have lost over 30 years and its something like 100 stones...hee hee...but sadly its the same 5-6 stone over and over again.!! Again..those of you who know me will know i don't overeat ordinary food...you wont find me eating 6 course meals or eating huge portions of chips or bread...my addiction is sweet things....give me a choice between a steak and a pudding and I will forgo the steak every time.....give me a choice between a packet of crisps and a chocolate biscuit and I will always choose the chocolate biscuit.
I have delved into this quite deeply over the years and memories have surfaced over and over again in that I was given sweets whenever the abuse happened and whenever life got too tough for my mum or whoever I was living with at the time then decent meals and cooking was always the first to go and rice puddings and bread and jam were the menu of convenience. I was given bread and sugar for my tea almost everyday and was sent to bed often with a drink of hot sugary tea and jammy sarnies.Consequently at my worst you will find me eating chocolate in bed.!!!
In 2007 I lost over 6 stone in weight and had counselling at the same time and many of these issues were raised in the sessions and I honestly thought I had climbed over the top of the trench and was making a bee line for the horizon... Sadly I have once more lost this battle and have spent this last year putting a fair percentage of the weight back on once again.The counselling revealed that it wasn't the sexual issues that was the main cause now but the two fold fact that YES I have a sugar addiction but also whenever my emotions are surface I then seem to need the fix of sugar to help me get back some control. This isn't just depression type of emotion but its also any kind of high emotion..so anger and even great joy can cause me to hit the chocolate.I know that for many years I was " trained " not to show emotion of any kind and now find it difficult to let myself be free enough to show my emotions for fear of rejection..abandonment or of some one being offended...and perhaps I am afraid of being too happy in case it doesn't last...so hit the choccie or ice cream..or muffin and be in a safe sugar haze...
This blog entry is too long so I will continue it tomorrow.
Friday, 4 September 2009
September 4th Working through Willow ..cont.
Chris has been called out to help Son In Law to mend car headlight...so sneaking off to post on the blog till he comes back. I appreciate all your comments and emails...I admit to only publishing the ones which I think will be helpful for others to read. I thought I would continue this section of the blog with one of the other "Ruts " I felt God had spoke to about.I have one more to follow and hope to get to that over weekend.
Social Times......I admit to being a bit of a split personality...one part of me wants to have lots of contact with friends and then another part of me wants to be on my own and at times I can find myself confused between the two.I know that many of you think I have loads of buddies and am always busy....but the truth is that I spend a lot of time on my own and most evenings Chris and I are on our own. We have a couple of people we hang out with fairly regularly both individually and as couples but apart from that our main contacts with others is at church or life group or meetings. At times when I hear of parties that people have or have been to..and gatherings and I wonder why I or we are not invited....I honestly cant remember the last party I was invited too.So the myth that I have loads of friends and always busy is exactly that ...a myth.
A lot of the feelings I have about socialising is still wrapped up in the past....still feel that no-one actually wants to spend time with me...or invite me anywhere....and going to Willow with a dozen people who don't figure in my social life was a huge step of faith for me...in truth it was a huge step of fear really.Hanging out with people I don't know well is my worst kind of nightmare and I know that God wants this to change. This "rut" has controlled so much of my life that it seems normal and I know its one big thing I am aiming to change and have already been changing.If you have read my previous blog entries you will know that it turned out really well and I felt 100% accepted and wanted and as far as I am concerned I had a great time with everyone.
The first thing we did when we came back from Willow we had a gathering of people round for the evening...this was about half we knew fairly well and half we only knew a bit....probably the first time we have had so many in our home for years.I was really nervous and was sure hardly any of them would come...but of the 18 we invited....16 came....and with Chris and I there were 18 people here and despite the panic about the space and room etc...I really enjoyed the evening. Fortunately it was a cool evening and we were able to have the drinks and nibbles in garden and altho I suggested we go into living room to view the photos in 2 lots they all piled in at the same time and I just went with the flow....bums were everywhere..on floor ..on arm of chairs...on kiddies chair....whatever..we just had a fun time..For those of you who regularly have people round it may seem a small thing..but for me it was an immense mountain for me to climb and I am quite proud of myself.
The second thing I have done was quite amusing really....I read an article in Sunday paper about Facebook and how we have so many virtual friends but how many would actually meet you for a coffee.!. The author of the article had posted on FB..."anyone fancy a coffee tomorrow" and altho she has 320 friends listed in her FB ..only 2 people replied and none were able to actually meet her. So....I am amazed that I did this as it is sooooo out of my comfort zone but I did the same .On the Sunday evening I posted that I was free Monday and did anyone want to meet for a coffee?? I had quite a few replies saying that folk would have loved to but were working or whatever and I had one reply from a young woman who I know...but not well. I have never socialised with her...never had coffee with her and as I was old enough to be her mother I was quite surprised that she wanted to have a coffee with me. Anyway ..we met up and had a lovely hour or so together and I got to know her a wee bit better ....and more than that I felt again quite proud of myself that I had taken the step and enjoyed myself with a lovely and very courageous young woman who is going through a tough time in her life.
The third aspect of this "Rut" is to accept fully that people do want to spend time with me....I have been mentored this last year by Caroline and so many times this came up in our chatting...that I struggled with anyone actually wanting to be with me and despite Caroline saying so many times that she was enjoying the time and had got so much out of it herself and was sad the actual mentoring time was coming to an end...I still was struggling to believe it fully. We arranged to go out for a meal to bring the formal part to a close (we have known each other for decades so we are not disappearing from each others lives )and again she said she had been looking forward to seeing me and excited to catch up with me and I truly felt as if I absorbed her words into my spirit without any of the usual doubts creeping in. Caroline may sometimes have wondered if mentoring me had produced fruit or was of benefit but as far as I am concerned it has been a timely and God given intervention at just the right stage of my life and I am deeply grateful for her friendship.
Finally .....I have been overwhelmed by the feedback from you girls (and the odd one or two guys who also read the blog ) who read my blog and deeply appreciate your comments / emails and again this has helped me to realise that I am not alone in some of the feelings and insecurities I have shared. I believe that isolation both in the physical and the spiritual is a huge problem for us and perhaps knowing that we all at times have feelings in common has helped each of us to face our fears...feelings and pain. I am also aware that some of you have shared that you would like to chat more about stuff and one of the ways in which I am aiming to get out of this "rut" is to make myself more available to friends. By that I mean....YOU.....Please please please dont get caught in the myth that I have loads of friends and am always busy...I am not!!! I am here and I am looking to build on the friendships I have and also to make new ones too. I have recently re-connected with an old friend who used to be in the church....we didnt hang out socially much but we did hang out in various church activities and as a result of the blog and FB we are hoping to get together in next couple of weeks for coffee and catch up and I am sooo looking forward to that.
John ch 16 v 12 and 13 says this..."My command is this: Love one another as I have loved you. Love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no-one than this ,that he lay down his life for his friends."
Getting out of this trench/rut and heading for the horizon is going to be an adventure..a challenge...a joy....will you join me in this "loving one another "and see what God will do??
Social Times......I admit to being a bit of a split personality...one part of me wants to have lots of contact with friends and then another part of me wants to be on my own and at times I can find myself confused between the two.I know that many of you think I have loads of buddies and am always busy....but the truth is that I spend a lot of time on my own and most evenings Chris and I are on our own. We have a couple of people we hang out with fairly regularly both individually and as couples but apart from that our main contacts with others is at church or life group or meetings. At times when I hear of parties that people have or have been to..and gatherings and I wonder why I or we are not invited....I honestly cant remember the last party I was invited too.So the myth that I have loads of friends and always busy is exactly that ...a myth.
A lot of the feelings I have about socialising is still wrapped up in the past....still feel that no-one actually wants to spend time with me...or invite me anywhere....and going to Willow with a dozen people who don't figure in my social life was a huge step of faith for me...in truth it was a huge step of fear really.Hanging out with people I don't know well is my worst kind of nightmare and I know that God wants this to change. This "rut" has controlled so much of my life that it seems normal and I know its one big thing I am aiming to change and have already been changing.If you have read my previous blog entries you will know that it turned out really well and I felt 100% accepted and wanted and as far as I am concerned I had a great time with everyone.
The first thing we did when we came back from Willow we had a gathering of people round for the evening...this was about half we knew fairly well and half we only knew a bit....probably the first time we have had so many in our home for years.I was really nervous and was sure hardly any of them would come...but of the 18 we invited....16 came....and with Chris and I there were 18 people here and despite the panic about the space and room etc...I really enjoyed the evening. Fortunately it was a cool evening and we were able to have the drinks and nibbles in garden and altho I suggested we go into living room to view the photos in 2 lots they all piled in at the same time and I just went with the flow....bums were everywhere..on floor ..on arm of chairs...on kiddies chair....whatever..we just had a fun time..For those of you who regularly have people round it may seem a small thing..but for me it was an immense mountain for me to climb and I am quite proud of myself.
The second thing I have done was quite amusing really....I read an article in Sunday paper about Facebook and how we have so many virtual friends but how many would actually meet you for a coffee.!. The author of the article had posted on FB..."anyone fancy a coffee tomorrow" and altho she has 320 friends listed in her FB ..only 2 people replied and none were able to actually meet her. So....I am amazed that I did this as it is sooooo out of my comfort zone but I did the same .On the Sunday evening I posted that I was free Monday and did anyone want to meet for a coffee?? I had quite a few replies saying that folk would have loved to but were working or whatever and I had one reply from a young woman who I know...but not well. I have never socialised with her...never had coffee with her and as I was old enough to be her mother I was quite surprised that she wanted to have a coffee with me. Anyway ..we met up and had a lovely hour or so together and I got to know her a wee bit better ....and more than that I felt again quite proud of myself that I had taken the step and enjoyed myself with a lovely and very courageous young woman who is going through a tough time in her life.
The third aspect of this "Rut" is to accept fully that people do want to spend time with me....I have been mentored this last year by Caroline and so many times this came up in our chatting...that I struggled with anyone actually wanting to be with me and despite Caroline saying so many times that she was enjoying the time and had got so much out of it herself and was sad the actual mentoring time was coming to an end...I still was struggling to believe it fully. We arranged to go out for a meal to bring the formal part to a close (we have known each other for decades so we are not disappearing from each others lives )and again she said she had been looking forward to seeing me and excited to catch up with me and I truly felt as if I absorbed her words into my spirit without any of the usual doubts creeping in. Caroline may sometimes have wondered if mentoring me had produced fruit or was of benefit but as far as I am concerned it has been a timely and God given intervention at just the right stage of my life and I am deeply grateful for her friendship.
Finally .....I have been overwhelmed by the feedback from you girls (and the odd one or two guys who also read the blog ) who read my blog and deeply appreciate your comments / emails and again this has helped me to realise that I am not alone in some of the feelings and insecurities I have shared. I believe that isolation both in the physical and the spiritual is a huge problem for us and perhaps knowing that we all at times have feelings in common has helped each of us to face our fears...feelings and pain. I am also aware that some of you have shared that you would like to chat more about stuff and one of the ways in which I am aiming to get out of this "rut" is to make myself more available to friends. By that I mean....YOU.....Please please please dont get caught in the myth that I have loads of friends and am always busy...I am not!!! I am here and I am looking to build on the friendships I have and also to make new ones too. I have recently re-connected with an old friend who used to be in the church....we didnt hang out socially much but we did hang out in various church activities and as a result of the blog and FB we are hoping to get together in next couple of weeks for coffee and catch up and I am sooo looking forward to that.
John ch 16 v 12 and 13 says this..."My command is this: Love one another as I have loved you. Love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no-one than this ,that he lay down his life for his friends."
Getting out of this trench/rut and heading for the horizon is going to be an adventure..a challenge...a joy....will you join me in this "loving one another "and see what God will do??
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
September 1st ...Nothing to do with Willow
Taking a detour again..so feel free to pass me by ...just need some time out to blog some stuff that is going on in the hope it gives me some new perspective.
Decision making....I wonder if other people find themselves swinging wildly like a pendulum from one decision to another.? I have had a few decisions to make in last
2-3 months and I have struggled big time.I make a firm decision then a few days later I change my mind.
I have tried to apply Godly wisdom and and asked close friends for their advice and wisdom....I have asked God to speak clearly to me.....I have talked it over with Chris and mulled it over in dreams and written lists of Pros and Cons.....all the things that people suggest and yet I am still swinging about like a mad thing.If the decisions I make only affect me then it would be so easy but as they involve other people too it becomes more complicated. Would that life would be so easy as to actually have a clear statement from God....a "thus sayeth the Lord" but sadly I don't get that kind very often and it is in the searching for the answers that God reveals His will.....so perhaps all this has been a "searching" process to get to the place He wants me to be. I know from experience that God uses every situation as an opportunity to develop my character and build my faith.
My church involvement is one of the decisions I need to make and that doesn't just depend on me but on a multitude of other aspects which all need to be looked at and talked through with other people. My work involvement ...do I continue to childmind and take on new children ? ..sounds like an easy ..yes or no...but two families are looking to me to care for their precious children and I never take this lightly and always want to give the family my very best and its not an easy thing for me to say Yes or No...so again I have to think it through carefully .
Linked in with all this ....it has been a tough few weeks anyway....August is the month that we have our annual review for our IVA...and that means looking at all our Income and Expenditure for last year..so we have to get bank stuff...receipts...salary slips and all my tax accounts sorted and photocopied....we have to justify any increases we need and then once we send of all the photocopies we then have to wait for the IP to let us know if we are okay for another year or whether they say we have to increase our monthly payments.,Whilst we completely hold our hands up and say...okay we got into this mess...it is nevertheless an exhausting business to have someone scrutinise every aspect of your financial life.We sometimes think we would have been better declaring bankruptcy but as we have got this far...3 years into a 5 year term we can see the finishing line and will be debt free in August 2011.
This last few days I have felt very tearful and slightly unwell...I often think when I have a spiritual high....in this case..Willow....it is often followed by a spiritual low and I am not that surprised by how I am feeling. I am grateful for the friends who put up with me and my ongoing "will I ??.wont I??." But at the same time I do need to make decisions and make them soon...The childminding one actually needs to be made today...or at latest tomorrow so I can inform the families involved...so I am off now to have another look at the lists of Pros and Cons..altho I am pretty certain I have made the decision anyway. A lovely friend said to me today..something like..."at which point in the pendulum process did you know Gods peace??" and I guess that is the starting and finishing point for any decision making process and has certainly helped me move closer to one set of decisions .
I still have a couple of "Ruts" to blog about so normal service will be resumed soon...I am as always very grateful for the comments you guys send and also emails...I did get a couple controversial ones referring to Ruts,which I havent published so if you think one of them was yours feel free to talk to me about it.
I would love to know how others process big decisions and if anyone else finds themselves swinging madly on a pendulum..please God its not only me??!!!
Decision making....I wonder if other people find themselves swinging wildly like a pendulum from one decision to another.? I have had a few decisions to make in last
2-3 months and I have struggled big time.I make a firm decision then a few days later I change my mind.
I have tried to apply Godly wisdom and and asked close friends for their advice and wisdom....I have asked God to speak clearly to me.....I have talked it over with Chris and mulled it over in dreams and written lists of Pros and Cons.....all the things that people suggest and yet I am still swinging about like a mad thing.If the decisions I make only affect me then it would be so easy but as they involve other people too it becomes more complicated. Would that life would be so easy as to actually have a clear statement from God....a "thus sayeth the Lord" but sadly I don't get that kind very often and it is in the searching for the answers that God reveals His will.....so perhaps all this has been a "searching" process to get to the place He wants me to be. I know from experience that God uses every situation as an opportunity to develop my character and build my faith.
My church involvement is one of the decisions I need to make and that doesn't just depend on me but on a multitude of other aspects which all need to be looked at and talked through with other people. My work involvement ...do I continue to childmind and take on new children ? ..sounds like an easy ..yes or no...but two families are looking to me to care for their precious children and I never take this lightly and always want to give the family my very best and its not an easy thing for me to say Yes or No...so again I have to think it through carefully .
Linked in with all this ....it has been a tough few weeks anyway....August is the month that we have our annual review for our IVA...and that means looking at all our Income and Expenditure for last year..so we have to get bank stuff...receipts...salary slips and all my tax accounts sorted and photocopied....we have to justify any increases we need and then once we send of all the photocopies we then have to wait for the IP to let us know if we are okay for another year or whether they say we have to increase our monthly payments.,Whilst we completely hold our hands up and say...okay we got into this mess...it is nevertheless an exhausting business to have someone scrutinise every aspect of your financial life.We sometimes think we would have been better declaring bankruptcy but as we have got this far...3 years into a 5 year term we can see the finishing line and will be debt free in August 2011.
This last few days I have felt very tearful and slightly unwell...I often think when I have a spiritual high....in this case..Willow....it is often followed by a spiritual low and I am not that surprised by how I am feeling. I am grateful for the friends who put up with me and my ongoing "will I ??.wont I??." But at the same time I do need to make decisions and make them soon...The childminding one actually needs to be made today...or at latest tomorrow so I can inform the families involved...so I am off now to have another look at the lists of Pros and Cons..altho I am pretty certain I have made the decision anyway. A lovely friend said to me today..something like..."at which point in the pendulum process did you know Gods peace??" and I guess that is the starting and finishing point for any decision making process and has certainly helped me move closer to one set of decisions .
I still have a couple of "Ruts" to blog about so normal service will be resumed soon...I am as always very grateful for the comments you guys send and also emails...I did get a couple controversial ones referring to Ruts,which I havent published so if you think one of them was yours feel free to talk to me about it.
I would love to know how others process big decisions and if anyone else finds themselves swinging madly on a pendulum..please God its not only me??!!!
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
August 18th p.s. to last posting
Today I had a look at one of JWGs blogs and want to use a quote from it as she sums up in one sentence how I feel about learning new things. Have a look at her latest blog in which she is describing her experience of learning BSL...British Sign Language...
http://www.learnbsl.blogspot.com
The comment she wrote was this
"When you are a confident and successful learner you have no idea of the emotions that those who struggle to learn feel "
Hope you are all thinking about your "ruts" and making a move to the horizon.
http://www.learnbsl.blogspot.com
The comment she wrote was this
"When you are a confident and successful learner you have no idea of the emotions that those who struggle to learn feel "
Hope you are all thinking about your "ruts" and making a move to the horizon.
Monday, 17 August 2009
August 17th Working through Willow
Chris and the pooch are home and we actually got 3 hours together before he has now gone to meeting...ho hum...still gives me a couple of hours to continue blog.I have been thinking through some of the main points raised by the speakers and thought I would just work my way through them over next week or so.
One of the most memorable one liners was from Gary Hamil...
"when you are down in the trenches it is easy to mistake the edge of your rut for the horizon"..
I may not have written down the exact wording but you get the gist of it. Everyone said how that impacted them as well...Simon mentions it in his blog and Ben D talked about it when he preached Sunday and I know that Chris says this spoke to him very clearly. Gary's session will be shown at the Summit in October so book in to hear it in context...have I mentioned it would be a good thing for you to come along??
So...as I have been reflecting over the days since getting back I have been asking myself what "ruts" have I got so entrenched in that I prefer to stay down than get up and moving..lets see if I can make an honest inventory and will begin tonight with a couple of ruts.
*Leadership.....this is a big rut for me ...I still struggle to think of myself as a leader despite having led major ministries in the past and leading one nowadays. When we became Christians almost 25 years ago there were few women leaders around and certainly in our church the emphasis was on male leadership....altho I had initiated the deaf ministry it was Chris who would be invited to attend the leaders training meetings every month and once a term there would be a social arranged for "leaders and their wives" with the wives being the "add-on"....Over the years this changed and by the time I was leading the special needs ministry I would be a part of the training group but even 12 years ago when I became the first woman to lead a housegroup it still caused a couple of comments at a leaders meeting when one person remarked rather loudly "why are you here then ....is Chris ill ?"...when I replied he wasn't the leader this guy didn't quite know what to say !! and when I took over leading the car parking ministry one of the first comments I had from within the teams was "whats a woman doing in a mans job ?" I have been confined to the "rut " of this thinking for many years and have decided that I am going to climb out of the rut and make for the horizon.
I hope you will sense my spirit in this next bit as I am not boasting in myself but in what God has put in me...I am almost hesitant to type this next paragraph but wanted to be as honest as I can... but this whole issue of leadership is so much at the forefront of my thinking due to being at Willow. One of the ways in which I could sense God confirming this gift in me was that the speakers at Willow were all gifted leaders mostly talking about leadership principles and as I listened to each of them I found myself stimulated..challenged..encouraged and could identify with many of the points made and examples given.After the fisrt session I knew I was supposed to be there and didnt feel as if I was a fraud .You will all know through experience that when attending anything that isn't relevant to you that your mind wonders..your concentration goes and you find yourself nodding off or tired out...well for me ..every session was new..fresh..exciting...I found myself expectant and ready with notebook and pen and those who know me will know I rarely take notes but I knew there was going to be some incredible stuff coming my way and didn't want to miss any of it.I transposed a lot of what I heard into the ministry I am involved in and have already made some decisions on how to implement them into the folk I lead and the community I serve.
The upshot of this particular "rut" is that I am admitting to myself that I AM A LEADER.....No longer will I hide down in the trenches but strike out for the horizon and take ownership of the leadership gifts that God has put into me and I plan to lead and serve to the very best of my ability and to look always for ways in which God can use me to build His church .
*Technology....again this is a huge rut for me ...almost too deep for me to even contemplate climbing out of but I know that God has spoken to me very clearly about this and that I must begin to edge myself over the top . For many years I have avoided learning new things eg I only learned to text on my mobile about a year ago !! This stems from several areas and they are rooted in a fear of failure...being thought stupid...and stress at the thought that once I begin to learn I need to open myself up to others to teach me. I am Miss Independent and would rather not ask for any kind of help...as this would mean being vulnerable..I realise that the world is changing and technology is moving fast and I am definitely a dinosaur within my peer group.Even the wee lad I care for seems to know more about mobile phones than I do !! I have popped my head up over this rut several times over the last year but the "crossfire" got too much for me and I just ducked back down again. Way too risky.....
Let me explain what I mean by "cross fire" and I can use a completely fresh example...Iris and Fiona ..this isn't meant as any kind of dig at you ....honest..I love you guys so much and at times I feel as if you are my Aaron and Hur...
Exodus ch 17 v 12...
just holding me up when life gets too much but this example happened today and seemed a good way of explaining it. I mentioned I had got a new phone but hadn't even taken it out of the box as it was just too complicated for me to even begin to think about using it.I said perhaps I could get one of them to help me sort it out...there was a group of us chatting about it and having a laugh and comments were like "but its easy" or "all you need to do" and everyone was asking me questions such as .." what kind of phone is it?" "have you charged it " and altho this only lasted a few minutes I could feel actual terror wash over me as the "trench" beckoned me back down again.This actually manifests itself in a sort of "duck and run away" feeling ..I feel as if I have to get away and hide and I could feel tears threatening to fall....One of my biggest fears is being thought stupid and silly though it may be ..whenever I hear the phrase "but its so easy " or similar I immediately translate that into "then I must be stupid if I cant do it " No-one has EVER actually said that to me but when you are down in the trench it is hard to hear clearly.
God impressed upon me very clearly that it was time to get out of this "rut" and head to the horizon and this week I have set myself some long term goals to work through over the next few months ....to learn how to upload photos onto FB and into the blog...to learn how to use my new phone and to believe in myself that
"all things are possible". Matthew ch 19 v 26
So if I happen to mention to you that I am trying a new thing please don't say
"but that's easy " try saying.."wow that's great Irene ...can I help with it at all?" I can just see Iris and Fiona watching me take the phone out the box and saying "wow...you did good Irene great box action there."" Hee Hee..love you guys. xx
Finally ....two of the speakers were young entrepreneurs...(you can hear them at the Summit in October) and altho they didn't have a direct impact on me personally I couldn't help but be amazed at what they were involved with.I mention them only to share a comment they both made which struck a chord with me . Both of them mentioned their parents as being one of the most crucial influences in their lives...I think they said something like
" My parents believed in me..they encouraged me..they told me I could do anything...they put positive things into me "
and I once again felt pangs about the lack of such input into my childhood and can easily understand why I have so many "ruts" and fears of failure and being thought stupid. No-one really believed in me or encouraged me or spoke positively and therefor I have grown up never believing I could do anything ..becoming a Christian and beginning the journey of faith has been hard work for me in that I have had to
re-align my thought patterns and ingrained behaviour....and to believe in myself when no-one else had done so.
And finally ..finally (!)relating to the above ...one of my other main areas of gifting is encouragement and I make a daily choice to encourage at least one person as I know that without encouragement peoples spirits can wither and die.This can take the form of a letter..card..email...pressie ..flowers...(believe it or not I have a monthly budget to send flowers from Marks and Spencers to different people on so today organised it for a friend whose hubby is very ill.) and the children and young people I see daily will always have encouragement spoken to them and words such as "you did well with that scooter " or..." I love your hair " knowing these words of encouragement are all building unseen and as yet unknown esteem into their young spirits and letting them know that they are great !!If you are a parent can I strongly encourage you to believe in your children and let them know it as often as you can ..make a daily decision to speak into their spirits good and positive words.
So...my last words to you today ...think about your "rut" and make a decision to climb out and make for the horizon .Email me or talk to me so I can encourage you too..lets journey towards the horizons together.
One of the most memorable one liners was from Gary Hamil...
"when you are down in the trenches it is easy to mistake the edge of your rut for the horizon"..
I may not have written down the exact wording but you get the gist of it. Everyone said how that impacted them as well...Simon mentions it in his blog and Ben D talked about it when he preached Sunday and I know that Chris says this spoke to him very clearly. Gary's session will be shown at the Summit in October so book in to hear it in context...have I mentioned it would be a good thing for you to come along??
So...as I have been reflecting over the days since getting back I have been asking myself what "ruts" have I got so entrenched in that I prefer to stay down than get up and moving..lets see if I can make an honest inventory and will begin tonight with a couple of ruts.
*Leadership.....this is a big rut for me ...I still struggle to think of myself as a leader despite having led major ministries in the past and leading one nowadays. When we became Christians almost 25 years ago there were few women leaders around and certainly in our church the emphasis was on male leadership....altho I had initiated the deaf ministry it was Chris who would be invited to attend the leaders training meetings every month and once a term there would be a social arranged for "leaders and their wives" with the wives being the "add-on"....Over the years this changed and by the time I was leading the special needs ministry I would be a part of the training group but even 12 years ago when I became the first woman to lead a housegroup it still caused a couple of comments at a leaders meeting when one person remarked rather loudly "why are you here then ....is Chris ill ?"...when I replied he wasn't the leader this guy didn't quite know what to say !! and when I took over leading the car parking ministry one of the first comments I had from within the teams was "whats a woman doing in a mans job ?" I have been confined to the "rut " of this thinking for many years and have decided that I am going to climb out of the rut and make for the horizon.
I hope you will sense my spirit in this next bit as I am not boasting in myself but in what God has put in me...I am almost hesitant to type this next paragraph but wanted to be as honest as I can... but this whole issue of leadership is so much at the forefront of my thinking due to being at Willow. One of the ways in which I could sense God confirming this gift in me was that the speakers at Willow were all gifted leaders mostly talking about leadership principles and as I listened to each of them I found myself stimulated..challenged..encouraged and could identify with many of the points made and examples given.After the fisrt session I knew I was supposed to be there and didnt feel as if I was a fraud .You will all know through experience that when attending anything that isn't relevant to you that your mind wonders..your concentration goes and you find yourself nodding off or tired out...well for me ..every session was new..fresh..exciting...I found myself expectant and ready with notebook and pen and those who know me will know I rarely take notes but I knew there was going to be some incredible stuff coming my way and didn't want to miss any of it.I transposed a lot of what I heard into the ministry I am involved in and have already made some decisions on how to implement them into the folk I lead and the community I serve.
The upshot of this particular "rut" is that I am admitting to myself that I AM A LEADER.....No longer will I hide down in the trenches but strike out for the horizon and take ownership of the leadership gifts that God has put into me and I plan to lead and serve to the very best of my ability and to look always for ways in which God can use me to build His church .
*Technology....again this is a huge rut for me ...almost too deep for me to even contemplate climbing out of but I know that God has spoken to me very clearly about this and that I must begin to edge myself over the top . For many years I have avoided learning new things eg I only learned to text on my mobile about a year ago !! This stems from several areas and they are rooted in a fear of failure...being thought stupid...and stress at the thought that once I begin to learn I need to open myself up to others to teach me. I am Miss Independent and would rather not ask for any kind of help...as this would mean being vulnerable..I realise that the world is changing and technology is moving fast and I am definitely a dinosaur within my peer group.Even the wee lad I care for seems to know more about mobile phones than I do !! I have popped my head up over this rut several times over the last year but the "crossfire" got too much for me and I just ducked back down again. Way too risky.....
Let me explain what I mean by "cross fire" and I can use a completely fresh example...Iris and Fiona ..this isn't meant as any kind of dig at you ....honest..I love you guys so much and at times I feel as if you are my Aaron and Hur...
Exodus ch 17 v 12...
just holding me up when life gets too much but this example happened today and seemed a good way of explaining it. I mentioned I had got a new phone but hadn't even taken it out of the box as it was just too complicated for me to even begin to think about using it.I said perhaps I could get one of them to help me sort it out...there was a group of us chatting about it and having a laugh and comments were like "but its easy" or "all you need to do" and everyone was asking me questions such as .." what kind of phone is it?" "have you charged it " and altho this only lasted a few minutes I could feel actual terror wash over me as the "trench" beckoned me back down again.This actually manifests itself in a sort of "duck and run away" feeling ..I feel as if I have to get away and hide and I could feel tears threatening to fall....One of my biggest fears is being thought stupid and silly though it may be ..whenever I hear the phrase "but its so easy " or similar I immediately translate that into "then I must be stupid if I cant do it " No-one has EVER actually said that to me but when you are down in the trench it is hard to hear clearly.
God impressed upon me very clearly that it was time to get out of this "rut" and head to the horizon and this week I have set myself some long term goals to work through over the next few months ....to learn how to upload photos onto FB and into the blog...to learn how to use my new phone and to believe in myself that
"all things are possible". Matthew ch 19 v 26
So if I happen to mention to you that I am trying a new thing please don't say
"but that's easy " try saying.."wow that's great Irene ...can I help with it at all?" I can just see Iris and Fiona watching me take the phone out the box and saying "wow...you did good Irene great box action there."" Hee Hee..love you guys. xx
Finally ....two of the speakers were young entrepreneurs...(you can hear them at the Summit in October) and altho they didn't have a direct impact on me personally I couldn't help but be amazed at what they were involved with.I mention them only to share a comment they both made which struck a chord with me . Both of them mentioned their parents as being one of the most crucial influences in their lives...I think they said something like
" My parents believed in me..they encouraged me..they told me I could do anything...they put positive things into me "
and I once again felt pangs about the lack of such input into my childhood and can easily understand why I have so many "ruts" and fears of failure and being thought stupid. No-one really believed in me or encouraged me or spoke positively and therefor I have grown up never believing I could do anything ..becoming a Christian and beginning the journey of faith has been hard work for me in that I have had to
re-align my thought patterns and ingrained behaviour....and to believe in myself when no-one else had done so.
And finally ..finally (!)relating to the above ...one of my other main areas of gifting is encouragement and I make a daily choice to encourage at least one person as I know that without encouragement peoples spirits can wither and die.This can take the form of a letter..card..email...pressie ..flowers...(believe it or not I have a monthly budget to send flowers from Marks and Spencers to different people on so today organised it for a friend whose hubby is very ill.) and the children and young people I see daily will always have encouragement spoken to them and words such as "you did well with that scooter " or..." I love your hair " knowing these words of encouragement are all building unseen and as yet unknown esteem into their young spirits and letting them know that they are great !!If you are a parent can I strongly encourage you to believe in your children and let them know it as often as you can ..make a daily decision to speak into their spirits good and positive words.
So...my last words to you today ...think about your "rut" and make a decision to climb out and make for the horizon .Email me or talk to me so I can encourage you too..lets journey towards the horizons together.
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