My goodness ...how long has it been since I was last blogging and posting ....way too long !!
So much happened and its going to be almost impossible to get all of my life written down and in some order yet as I have always used the quote......
WRITING IS MY BEST CHANCE OF HAPPINESS .......
so ...bear with me as I attempt to bring the last year and half to life and hopefully you will join me in the ongoing online journey that I began all those years ago....Please feel free to sign up and get by email and / or follow me ...or even ignore me ....I will send this out to the friends that were on the initial email list and again please feel free to sign off...just let me know.... but I am hoping some of you may walk alongside me as I live on....in The Shadow of Victory.
I have titled this entry ...SAIL ON SILVER GIRL..... ( chorus line from Bridge Over Troubled Waters ) and will just let you read this short blog post to start it off again after so long and explain why this song has such value and its meaning for me .
All music and songs generally bring to mind a memory...everyone can identify a particular time or season in their life where a song and its lyrics have impacted us at that time and continues to evoke the same emotions even when some decades ago . I have always thought that we have ANTHEMS that define us in ways that are often difficult to explain and recently I have found one song that has been a part of my life for decades and only recently resurfaced .
Simon and Garfunkels iconic song....Bridge Over Troubled Waters BOTW...it never ages and still is sung and played all over the world.....most of you will know I have a hearing impairment and listening to radios or CDs etc can be hard for me to make out individual words and phrases and has led over the years to many a laugh as I sing along with great gusto ...enjoying what I think is being sung and then some kind person will point out that I am singing the wrong words.....eg....Desmond Deckers song about The Israelites.,..I continue to sing...."" Wake up for breakfast ...baked beans for breakfast "" and if anyone knows the correct words please tell me !!!
For decades I have thought that the chorus line in BOTW ....played out like this
Sail on silver girl....sail on by ... your time has come ...to shine....all your dreams are all memories....see how they shine .....
Bet you are singing along in your mind .....did you spot my decades old mistake ??
It is of course the following and feel free to join me in a wee sing song
Sail on silver girl...sail on by....your time has come ...all your dreams ARE ON THEIR WAY...see how they shine.....
At this present moment in my life it seems as if the chance to " sail on silver girl " may be a little hard for me to understand as the dreams I had for this season in my life didn't include cancer !! but I am endeavouring to sing these words into my spirit on a day by day basis...believing that
" Your (my ) time has come ...to shine..."
and I am holding fast to the words
" all your ( my ) dreams are on their way....see how they shine "
In my minds eye and in my heart ..soul and spirit I can see the dreams shining and as best I can I plan to
Sail on Silver Girl
I hope you will join me on the journey
Shadow Of Victory
Tuesday 26 July 2016
Sunday 8 February 2015
CALEDONIA..
I haven't written a post for so long I had trouble even logging in !! I have had lots of thoughts running around in my head for last few months but never really got round to putting them together . At present I am sitting in the bedroom of a wee flat in Edinburgh that Chris and I have bought for our future retirement.....I know ! ! I know !!....surely we aren't old enough to even think or plan a retirement but in a little over two years my amazing man will get to the grand old age of 65.....I turned 60 last month and actually we aren't 100% sure we will retire in 2017 as we are happy enough in Bracknell and enjoy our work and love being with the family but we felt after selling our home in Bracknell we needed to secure and invest the money so we have the options.
We moved here 30 years ago and so I have been 30 years in Scotland and 30 years in England and there is a lovely song we used to sing at primary school and one of the lines says this
* My hearts in the highlands my heart is not here *
Although Bracknell has been home for us and our children and grandchildren I knew I couldn't envisage ever growing old here...my heart has always been in Scotland.
There is also an amazing song called Caledonia....( old celtic name for Scotland ) sung by Dougie McLean and its worth listening to....some of the lines in there speaks of my heart and my longing too
* So I have been telling old stories and singing old songs that make me think of where I come from *
* Let me tell you that I love you and I think of you all the time...Caledonia....you are calling me and now I am going home *
When I flew up this time the plane circled for a few minutes and I could see North Berwick and the sea and Berwick Law and The Bass Rock and then we came over the Forth Bridges ....thankfully I was in a window seat as my eyes began to leak and my heart was full....
Both Chris and I have extended family all over Scotland not just Edinburgh but Glasgow...Perth....Boness....Banff and Macduff it going to be an adventure for us when we do make the move...Free bus pass means we can travel ALL over Scotland for nothing ..whooohoooo
People ask me ...what about our friends and our children and grandchildren and how can we move away ...and believe me its not been an easy decision to make as we love our family and friends here but this last year or two have brought us to a place where we have been praying and thinking through all the options and once we decided to make the move back everything else fell into place.
The wee flat is looking good....and its great to have this base to stay in....long gone now are the expensive bed and breakfasts or the hotels etc....we can just roll up here and stay as long as we want., Its a gorgeous and cosy flat...small and perfectly formed....its in an area that is on the edge of regeneration and I am not kidding myself that's its in the best area.... its not New Town...or even Old Town and its not the grandeur of Randolph Crescent or Dean Village and the cobbled side roads leading down to Stockbridge......decades ago it was one of many housing estates that you wouldn't want to walk at night time...but slowly and surely its being upgraded and more owner occupiers are taking pride and the local authority are doing as much as they can to improve the area...and I have walked securely and happily many a time over last few months. .We can walk along the harbour paths and end up at Ocean Terminal...which sees the Royal Yacht Brittania moored and has a huge retail area...across from that is the new Scottish Office....keep driving and you come to Leith Docks area which has a great vibe and café and pub culture....keep driving and you get to the sands of Portobello and Musselburgh and Joppa and ongoing to our favourite North Berwick....oh the memories of childhood and our first few years of marriage and Michaels first few years as a child....ach I cant get enough of the memories.
In the other direction you can reach Silverknowes and Cramond ...both great areas and the Firth of Forth is cold but blue as far as the eye can see on a sunny day. Bus services are frequent and cheap and the town centre and Royal Mile with the castle at one end and Holyrood Palace at the other is a 20 min bus trip. .Chris and I are going to enjoy doing all the tourist stuff that we didn't actually do when we lived here .
Spiritually we have already investigated churches in the area....its amazing that within a 20 min walk we have the choice of 6 churches. We want one that we can walk to...be in the community and involved in the community and one where we feel at home and that we sense God is there. So far we have been spoiled for choice with three churches all of which we would feel happy to locate to . There is time to make that decision and we are in no rush but this morning I visited the local Baptist Church and within ten minutes I knew God was there....When Chris comes up later in the week we also are having tea with another church leader so its not yet a done deal...we are open to where God wants us to be planted.. At church this morning the leader who preached had what we call a Morningside accent...so imagine a broad Scots accent but posh it up a bit...he rolled his Rs with great gusto and when he spoke about the woman caught in adultery...it came out as * adulterrrrrrrry *....I had a wee smile to myself as I listened.
We are on a journey and a sense of excitement that maybe....just maybe The Best is Yet to Come....
We moved here 30 years ago and so I have been 30 years in Scotland and 30 years in England and there is a lovely song we used to sing at primary school and one of the lines says this
* My hearts in the highlands my heart is not here *
Although Bracknell has been home for us and our children and grandchildren I knew I couldn't envisage ever growing old here...my heart has always been in Scotland.
There is also an amazing song called Caledonia....( old celtic name for Scotland ) sung by Dougie McLean and its worth listening to....some of the lines in there speaks of my heart and my longing too
* So I have been telling old stories and singing old songs that make me think of where I come from *
* Let me tell you that I love you and I think of you all the time...Caledonia....you are calling me and now I am going home *
When I flew up this time the plane circled for a few minutes and I could see North Berwick and the sea and Berwick Law and The Bass Rock and then we came over the Forth Bridges ....thankfully I was in a window seat as my eyes began to leak and my heart was full....
Both Chris and I have extended family all over Scotland not just Edinburgh but Glasgow...Perth....Boness....Banff and Macduff it going to be an adventure for us when we do make the move...Free bus pass means we can travel ALL over Scotland for nothing ..whooohoooo
People ask me ...what about our friends and our children and grandchildren and how can we move away ...and believe me its not been an easy decision to make as we love our family and friends here but this last year or two have brought us to a place where we have been praying and thinking through all the options and once we decided to make the move back everything else fell into place.
The wee flat is looking good....and its great to have this base to stay in....long gone now are the expensive bed and breakfasts or the hotels etc....we can just roll up here and stay as long as we want., Its a gorgeous and cosy flat...small and perfectly formed....its in an area that is on the edge of regeneration and I am not kidding myself that's its in the best area.... its not New Town...or even Old Town and its not the grandeur of Randolph Crescent or Dean Village and the cobbled side roads leading down to Stockbridge......decades ago it was one of many housing estates that you wouldn't want to walk at night time...but slowly and surely its being upgraded and more owner occupiers are taking pride and the local authority are doing as much as they can to improve the area...and I have walked securely and happily many a time over last few months. .We can walk along the harbour paths and end up at Ocean Terminal...which sees the Royal Yacht Brittania moored and has a huge retail area...across from that is the new Scottish Office....keep driving and you come to Leith Docks area which has a great vibe and café and pub culture....keep driving and you get to the sands of Portobello and Musselburgh and Joppa and ongoing to our favourite North Berwick....oh the memories of childhood and our first few years of marriage and Michaels first few years as a child....ach I cant get enough of the memories.
In the other direction you can reach Silverknowes and Cramond ...both great areas and the Firth of Forth is cold but blue as far as the eye can see on a sunny day. Bus services are frequent and cheap and the town centre and Royal Mile with the castle at one end and Holyrood Palace at the other is a 20 min bus trip. .Chris and I are going to enjoy doing all the tourist stuff that we didn't actually do when we lived here .
Spiritually we have already investigated churches in the area....its amazing that within a 20 min walk we have the choice of 6 churches. We want one that we can walk to...be in the community and involved in the community and one where we feel at home and that we sense God is there. So far we have been spoiled for choice with three churches all of which we would feel happy to locate to . There is time to make that decision and we are in no rush but this morning I visited the local Baptist Church and within ten minutes I knew God was there....When Chris comes up later in the week we also are having tea with another church leader so its not yet a done deal...we are open to where God wants us to be planted.. At church this morning the leader who preached had what we call a Morningside accent...so imagine a broad Scots accent but posh it up a bit...he rolled his Rs with great gusto and when he spoke about the woman caught in adultery...it came out as * adulterrrrrrrry *....I had a wee smile to myself as I listened.
We are on a journey and a sense of excitement that maybe....just maybe The Best is Yet to Come....
Friday 11 April 2014
Still Standing....
I cant quite believe its been so long since I last blogged ....there is an old wives saying that says..
*How time flies when you are enjoying yourself *.....
I am sad to say this isn't always true.! This will probably be my last blog but I am not saying I may never blog again but I felt I needed to get some *stuff* down on paper (!) and then try and forget it for a time. I don't know about other bloggers but for a long time I would be thinking of things as they connected in my day and my life and then at some unknown time it would all seem to come together and I would know a blog post was ready to go.
This has happened with this post although I must qualify it slightly by saying I really didn't want to blog but for my sake I feel it will do me good. Please don't feel under any pressure to read it...comment on it in any way . Its just me putting a lot of unconnected dots together and hoping it will make sense to me ..if no one else.
I have titled this post....STILL STANDING ...I seem to remember there was a pop song with the phrase ...* I am still standing * ....no idea who sings it nor the rest of the verse but this wee phrase just keeps repeating itself on and on in my head so the best way I know to get stuff out of heads is to write/speak/blog.
September 2012 was a time to celebrate....I was having a granny gap year serving alongside children's work at my church and the night before I was due to start I fainted and cracked two ribs . There followed a long and involved period of treatment and it was well into February of 2013 that I felt the pain was under control. It had taken its toll on me physically but also disrupted my sleeping pattern and the medication I was on only took the pain of the fractures away . It took forever for the doctors to realise that the lung tissue was bruised and as such I wasn't coping well with life in general simply because I was in such pain. Granny gap year floundered into March/April with me taking a fair bit of time out .I was so sad about this as it was the ONE thing I really really really wanted to do yet somehow or other I just couldn't get it right.
At the same time as this we were moving into a new house and sharing with family and grandson and renting out our own house to family too and were happily anticipating the arrival of grandchild number three.......moving on to April time our amazing grand-daughter was born and joy was stirring deep in my Granny's heart. It was a huge shock to us all to hear within 48 hours the wee girly was in SCBU.....at this point I was completely knocked down...not a chance of me singing...I am still standing !!....for 7 weeks our wee girly was treated and we were only able to see her infrequently and rarely able to cuddle her at all....our hearts were with her mummy and daddy....then in the space of a month.... June I think it was.....our grandchild was transferred to Great Ormond Street Hospital(GOSH )...one of my closest friends was diagnosed with cancer...the husband of another good friend was also diagnosed with cancer and the news re my Dorset Buddy's cancer was not good.
By this time I was having hospital tests and medication for my own symptoms and after tests my doctor and I came to the diagnosis of Anxiety...not depression ( I did laugh at him once when I said...I don't have time to be anxious....) The medication he prescribed had the horrendous side effect of giving me a stammer which led to neuro tests at Reading and various other investigations as well as a change in medication.
July 2013 saw my * graduation * from Granny's Gap year altho I still don't feel I did the best I could have ......then our 14 year old much love pooch headed for the kennel in the sky and both me...Chris and Cat on weekly trips to GOSH to spend time with wee girly and help out her mummy and daddy...sleeping in the room to let them go home and have a bath and be normal for 24 hours. Wee girly spent a total of 11 weeks in GOSH so you can imagine how stressful all that was. To say * I was still standing * wouldn't be true but in those situations you run on adrenaline and so it was just one long round of hospitals.....add into the mix the news from all three friends with cancer that treatment was ongoing and then to ensure I couldn't get back onto my feet my daughter became ill whilst driving on motorway which led to paramedics and emergency admission to Basingstoke Hospital.
Fast forward to Christmas 2013.....My closest friend ever .....died in September leaving me... her family and her friends bereft and my other great friend was still walking the cancer journey as was my friends husband. Wee girly was home tho so we celebrated family Christmas and had some joy ..laughter and fun as well as millions of presents. I neglected to say that my daughter after a five day stay in Basingstoke Hospital then went on to three more hospital admissions for days at a time , This also meant that holidays that we had booked were all jumbled up and we ended up going on both family holidays with our grandson Eli...leaving mummy in hospital so the last few months of 2013 were a blur. In amongst all of that Chris and I also relocated church wise to the Sandhurst multisite...to say we were excited is an understatement.. We felt primed and ready to roll.!! Sadly the ready to roll has ended in a feeble presence from me as week by week I struggled with this horrid anxiety....Insomnia has become an ever present enemy that my doctor and I fight every month to see how to get the best meds for me. The therapy came and went and apart from getting some forum input wasn't any real help...God Bless the NHS ...for all the amazing help it gave to my family but for me its just been one long round of * med - tweaking *
So.....Its April 2014 exactly a year ago that life as I know it now began.....I am so sure of the dates as our wee grand-daughter is one year old on Sunday.....Time is flying but its not because I am enjoying it...its just a blend of days that at times gives a little bit of sunshine....I have several people and places I know I can go and just be ME...I cry a lot and lack energy....I try to go out and fail miserably...I make coffee times in the days I feel good then cancel on the day cos its a bad day. I still don't sleep more than 3 hours at night....I continue to work and love that Matt just hangs loose...he is such a part of our family and loves whoever is here...me...or Chris and loves Cat and Eli much more than me I believe.
Our wee girly will be one and is doing great...she is so brave ...still having daily meds and injections but is the cutest little diddly you ever did see....sadly for reasons I wont go into on here...we don't see her very much....family can get complicated..things are said and misunderstood...hurts happen ....hearts break and yet we carry on. For me as a Christian of some mere 30 years I have so much more to know about God and his healing mercy . Yet the little I do know eg * in all things Christ works together * and that *He will never leave me nor forsake me * and a hundred more verses. .....especially from the Psalms .I have a worship CD that Chris put together for me full of worship songs that build and encourage me and yet life is an ongoing battle ...
As already said I have places and people of peace....one friend who is a real haven recently is 105 seconds from the sea and I can escape there whenever my heart needs soothing. A trip to Edinburgh recently to celebrate our great niece and nephews second birthday and five days of family and friends certainly warmed my heart and as I cried and laughed in equal amounts it did me good to escape there too. I know that friends here are still loving me and praying for me and if the day is a good one I actually may even see them for a cuppa with my new posh tea set. ! I have my *big sister * in Canada who makes use of every tech media to keep me sane and standing plus of course my hubby and daughter and son in law and my oldest son and partner and my grandson Eli and oldest grand-daughter Mathilda without whom my life would be the poorer.
This weekend will see my son in law running the London Marathon...in aid of GOSH and in honour of our wee grand-daughter who gained amazing treatment there for so long and still has weekly/fortnightly visits and regular checks...it will also see her celebrating her first birthday with us not there with her but hoping to see her at some point. Its taken me a long time to move through this last 3 mnths and more than once I have thought my heart was broken in too many pieces and I would never be able to stand ever again.. I have come to a place of acceptance of all that is happening in and around me and still singing the refrain * still -standing * on a regular basis.
As I said as I wrote this...its not for pity or to draw attention to my life ( I am well aware that others go through journeys worse than mine ...eg My Dorset Buddys husband and her two lovely girlys ). It has just helped me get it out of my head in the hope that God will have some space to fill me again and to lift me from my knees back onto my feet.
*How time flies when you are enjoying yourself *.....
I am sad to say this isn't always true.! This will probably be my last blog but I am not saying I may never blog again but I felt I needed to get some *stuff* down on paper (!) and then try and forget it for a time. I don't know about other bloggers but for a long time I would be thinking of things as they connected in my day and my life and then at some unknown time it would all seem to come together and I would know a blog post was ready to go.
This has happened with this post although I must qualify it slightly by saying I really didn't want to blog but for my sake I feel it will do me good. Please don't feel under any pressure to read it...comment on it in any way . Its just me putting a lot of unconnected dots together and hoping it will make sense to me ..if no one else.
I have titled this post....STILL STANDING ...I seem to remember there was a pop song with the phrase ...* I am still standing * ....no idea who sings it nor the rest of the verse but this wee phrase just keeps repeating itself on and on in my head so the best way I know to get stuff out of heads is to write/speak/blog.
September 2012 was a time to celebrate....I was having a granny gap year serving alongside children's work at my church and the night before I was due to start I fainted and cracked two ribs . There followed a long and involved period of treatment and it was well into February of 2013 that I felt the pain was under control. It had taken its toll on me physically but also disrupted my sleeping pattern and the medication I was on only took the pain of the fractures away . It took forever for the doctors to realise that the lung tissue was bruised and as such I wasn't coping well with life in general simply because I was in such pain. Granny gap year floundered into March/April with me taking a fair bit of time out .I was so sad about this as it was the ONE thing I really really really wanted to do yet somehow or other I just couldn't get it right.
At the same time as this we were moving into a new house and sharing with family and grandson and renting out our own house to family too and were happily anticipating the arrival of grandchild number three.......moving on to April time our amazing grand-daughter was born and joy was stirring deep in my Granny's heart. It was a huge shock to us all to hear within 48 hours the wee girly was in SCBU.....at this point I was completely knocked down...not a chance of me singing...I am still standing !!....for 7 weeks our wee girly was treated and we were only able to see her infrequently and rarely able to cuddle her at all....our hearts were with her mummy and daddy....then in the space of a month.... June I think it was.....our grandchild was transferred to Great Ormond Street Hospital(GOSH )...one of my closest friends was diagnosed with cancer...the husband of another good friend was also diagnosed with cancer and the news re my Dorset Buddy's cancer was not good.
By this time I was having hospital tests and medication for my own symptoms and after tests my doctor and I came to the diagnosis of Anxiety...not depression ( I did laugh at him once when I said...I don't have time to be anxious....) The medication he prescribed had the horrendous side effect of giving me a stammer which led to neuro tests at Reading and various other investigations as well as a change in medication.
July 2013 saw my * graduation * from Granny's Gap year altho I still don't feel I did the best I could have ......then our 14 year old much love pooch headed for the kennel in the sky and both me...Chris and Cat on weekly trips to GOSH to spend time with wee girly and help out her mummy and daddy...sleeping in the room to let them go home and have a bath and be normal for 24 hours. Wee girly spent a total of 11 weeks in GOSH so you can imagine how stressful all that was. To say * I was still standing * wouldn't be true but in those situations you run on adrenaline and so it was just one long round of hospitals.....add into the mix the news from all three friends with cancer that treatment was ongoing and then to ensure I couldn't get back onto my feet my daughter became ill whilst driving on motorway which led to paramedics and emergency admission to Basingstoke Hospital.
Fast forward to Christmas 2013.....My closest friend ever .....died in September leaving me... her family and her friends bereft and my other great friend was still walking the cancer journey as was my friends husband. Wee girly was home tho so we celebrated family Christmas and had some joy ..laughter and fun as well as millions of presents. I neglected to say that my daughter after a five day stay in Basingstoke Hospital then went on to three more hospital admissions for days at a time , This also meant that holidays that we had booked were all jumbled up and we ended up going on both family holidays with our grandson Eli...leaving mummy in hospital so the last few months of 2013 were a blur. In amongst all of that Chris and I also relocated church wise to the Sandhurst multisite...to say we were excited is an understatement.. We felt primed and ready to roll.!! Sadly the ready to roll has ended in a feeble presence from me as week by week I struggled with this horrid anxiety....Insomnia has become an ever present enemy that my doctor and I fight every month to see how to get the best meds for me. The therapy came and went and apart from getting some forum input wasn't any real help...God Bless the NHS ...for all the amazing help it gave to my family but for me its just been one long round of * med - tweaking *
So.....Its April 2014 exactly a year ago that life as I know it now began.....I am so sure of the dates as our wee grand-daughter is one year old on Sunday.....Time is flying but its not because I am enjoying it...its just a blend of days that at times gives a little bit of sunshine....I have several people and places I know I can go and just be ME...I cry a lot and lack energy....I try to go out and fail miserably...I make coffee times in the days I feel good then cancel on the day cos its a bad day. I still don't sleep more than 3 hours at night....I continue to work and love that Matt just hangs loose...he is such a part of our family and loves whoever is here...me...or Chris and loves Cat and Eli much more than me I believe.
Our wee girly will be one and is doing great...she is so brave ...still having daily meds and injections but is the cutest little diddly you ever did see....sadly for reasons I wont go into on here...we don't see her very much....family can get complicated..things are said and misunderstood...hurts happen ....hearts break and yet we carry on. For me as a Christian of some mere 30 years I have so much more to know about God and his healing mercy . Yet the little I do know eg * in all things Christ works together * and that *He will never leave me nor forsake me * and a hundred more verses. .....especially from the Psalms .I have a worship CD that Chris put together for me full of worship songs that build and encourage me and yet life is an ongoing battle ...
As already said I have places and people of peace....one friend who is a real haven recently is 105 seconds from the sea and I can escape there whenever my heart needs soothing. A trip to Edinburgh recently to celebrate our great niece and nephews second birthday and five days of family and friends certainly warmed my heart and as I cried and laughed in equal amounts it did me good to escape there too. I know that friends here are still loving me and praying for me and if the day is a good one I actually may even see them for a cuppa with my new posh tea set. ! I have my *big sister * in Canada who makes use of every tech media to keep me sane and standing plus of course my hubby and daughter and son in law and my oldest son and partner and my grandson Eli and oldest grand-daughter Mathilda without whom my life would be the poorer.
This weekend will see my son in law running the London Marathon...in aid of GOSH and in honour of our wee grand-daughter who gained amazing treatment there for so long and still has weekly/fortnightly visits and regular checks...it will also see her celebrating her first birthday with us not there with her but hoping to see her at some point. Its taken me a long time to move through this last 3 mnths and more than once I have thought my heart was broken in too many pieces and I would never be able to stand ever again.. I have come to a place of acceptance of all that is happening in and around me and still singing the refrain * still -standing * on a regular basis.
As I said as I wrote this...its not for pity or to draw attention to my life ( I am well aware that others go through journeys worse than mine ...eg My Dorset Buddys husband and her two lovely girlys ). It has just helped me get it out of my head in the hope that God will have some space to fill me again and to lift me from my knees back onto my feet.
Monday 27 January 2014
The GGGggggift of FFFFffriendship ( part three )
You may be forgiven if you are wondering if the keyboard on my laptop has got the twitches.! It is just a reflection on how my speech is at present and I thought I would post about my newest
* friend *...my stammer .!
Since April/May last year I have had several different medications to help me deal with anxiety. The first medication brought along with it a slight jaw twitch followed by a sort of swallowing of word beginnings.(!). The next medication did well for a good few weeks until the jaw clicking began..most unpleasant and quite embarrassing. This lasted for two months until I begged my doctor to change medication again. I was slightly naughty at this time because I stopped taking the medication anyway and after 10 days I was able to hold a conversation without steam coming out of my ears with frustration. The next medication was bliss...good sleep...good days and no jaw click or consonant swallowing ..for three whole weeks I really felt as if life was getting better...and then
The return of the jaw click with a vengeance...followed swiftly by the consonant swallowing and bringing up the rear the face twitch and not to be discounted the tears of frustration and the horrid horrid horrid thoughts swilling around in my head. I am now at a loss as to where to go now...its the tension of living with a brighter mind and less anxiety ( note its not yet NO anxiety ) but with
this awful life inhibiting stammer...OR a mind that is filled with crap but able to speak relatively clearly ...or at least with enough clarity so that I can go out into the world again.!
Looking back on this last three months especially I have isolated myself more than ever before. I may be actually present in some social situation but its only my body...my mind is constantly wandering and wary of speaking to someone I may not know well... You may have seen my back as I left church early...or even a weak smile as I nodded at something you may have said to me. You may have looked forward to having a catch up coffee with me and then been slightly miffed that I cancelled at last minute....you may even have decided NOT to try again for a time and day to catch up ....This stammer is NOT me...I am still the same person and still the same friend but for some reason this anxiety is gripping my speech centre and the right medication hasn't yet been found to help my anxiety without affecting the speech centres in the brain.
Just as an aside...I dream in stammer too !
Fffrrrriendship...what a gift...I have actually spent time recently with great friends and altho I haven't said very much its been really lovely to be with them.I had a trip to see The Yate Youngster for lunch last week and a group of The Oldies here for an evening and on Saturday I spontaneously dumped me and and my stammer on The Pevensey Pal for a couple of days recently and altho the stammer was stammering away nicely at all these times I had a good catch up and for me it was just what I needed.
God created us to be in relationship with not only him but others too but when one of the fundamental ways of being together ( communication ) is hindered it takes a fair bit of determination to press through. Added to the stammering is my deafness and with two of the major senses knocked out you may well be forgiven if you have been wondering where I have been for last few months...simply answered ...in isolation !
My main reason for this entry is simply to ask for your forgiveness....I am pretty sure there are a few of you...family and friends who at one time or another over this last few months have been let down by me....disappointed...hurt...and maybe even have made the decision not to continue to walk this road with me....all I can say is....my heart aches...my spirit aches...my jaw aches ..
my head aches (!)...and I am humbling myself daily before God and begging him to bring healing ...
Alongside the medication I have been taking I have had a great doctor who listens...a great strength especially when the talker is stammering and crying....I have had some therapy...both of the mind kind but also the physical kind and I have got some "tools" to put into place when both the anxiety and the stammer get overwhelming. Its not perfect and I still prefer to be alone but its a start and its something to build on and continually putting it into practise ....I hope...see 2014 being a much better year than the latter part of 2013.
To all who I would call Ffffrriend and to all who I know are FFfffamily ....TTThhaaannkyyou
* friend *...my stammer .!
Since April/May last year I have had several different medications to help me deal with anxiety. The first medication brought along with it a slight jaw twitch followed by a sort of swallowing of word beginnings.(!). The next medication did well for a good few weeks until the jaw clicking began..most unpleasant and quite embarrassing. This lasted for two months until I begged my doctor to change medication again. I was slightly naughty at this time because I stopped taking the medication anyway and after 10 days I was able to hold a conversation without steam coming out of my ears with frustration. The next medication was bliss...good sleep...good days and no jaw click or consonant swallowing ..for three whole weeks I really felt as if life was getting better...and then
The return of the jaw click with a vengeance...followed swiftly by the consonant swallowing and bringing up the rear the face twitch and not to be discounted the tears of frustration and the horrid horrid horrid thoughts swilling around in my head. I am now at a loss as to where to go now...its the tension of living with a brighter mind and less anxiety ( note its not yet NO anxiety ) but with
this awful life inhibiting stammer...OR a mind that is filled with crap but able to speak relatively clearly ...or at least with enough clarity so that I can go out into the world again.!
Looking back on this last three months especially I have isolated myself more than ever before. I may be actually present in some social situation but its only my body...my mind is constantly wandering and wary of speaking to someone I may not know well... You may have seen my back as I left church early...or even a weak smile as I nodded at something you may have said to me. You may have looked forward to having a catch up coffee with me and then been slightly miffed that I cancelled at last minute....you may even have decided NOT to try again for a time and day to catch up ....This stammer is NOT me...I am still the same person and still the same friend but for some reason this anxiety is gripping my speech centre and the right medication hasn't yet been found to help my anxiety without affecting the speech centres in the brain.
Just as an aside...I dream in stammer too !
Fffrrrriendship...what a gift...I have actually spent time recently with great friends and altho I haven't said very much its been really lovely to be with them.I had a trip to see The Yate Youngster for lunch last week and a group of The Oldies here for an evening and on Saturday I spontaneously dumped me and and my stammer on The Pevensey Pal for a couple of days recently and altho the stammer was stammering away nicely at all these times I had a good catch up and for me it was just what I needed.
God created us to be in relationship with not only him but others too but when one of the fundamental ways of being together ( communication ) is hindered it takes a fair bit of determination to press through. Added to the stammering is my deafness and with two of the major senses knocked out you may well be forgiven if you have been wondering where I have been for last few months...simply answered ...in isolation !
My main reason for this entry is simply to ask for your forgiveness....I am pretty sure there are a few of you...family and friends who at one time or another over this last few months have been let down by me....disappointed...hurt...and maybe even have made the decision not to continue to walk this road with me....all I can say is....my heart aches...my spirit aches...my jaw aches ..
my head aches (!)...and I am humbling myself daily before God and begging him to bring healing ...
Alongside the medication I have been taking I have had a great doctor who listens...a great strength especially when the talker is stammering and crying....I have had some therapy...both of the mind kind but also the physical kind and I have got some "tools" to put into place when both the anxiety and the stammer get overwhelming. Its not perfect and I still prefer to be alone but its a start and its something to build on and continually putting it into practise ....I hope...see 2014 being a much better year than the latter part of 2013.
To all who I would call Ffffrriend and to all who I know are FFfffamily ....TTThhaaannkyyou
Tuesday 14 January 2014
Multi-thoughts on Multi -site
I have been doing a lot of * thinking * over the last few days and Simon's preach on Sunday has helped me to get my thoughts into some kind of order. I am always the same after year end...with all the Christmas and New year out of routine stuff it can take me a long while to actually get back into routine again. Although the whole idea of * routine* for us in our co renting family unit is a bit of a laugh with all the illness going on. ( yes Cat is back in hospital ,,,again ...) Simon spoke of consolidating areas of our life...not just church life but our own personal life too and I was struck by several of the areas he mentioned. I will plan to unpack them in the next few blogs hopefully with some positive and encouraging news.
The one that most challenged me was * community * and I confess to feeling very sad as I listened to him...its all about being involved not just in church but with each other and with our immediate sphere of influence..eg family...friends..work etc...
The other aspect of consolidation was * health * and I can tell you that this area in my life and families life is way overdue some miraculous intervention. Its not just Cat...its me...its the ongoing health issues that face our grand-daughter too ...health is def going to be high on the agenda this coming year
The final aspect that I felt challenged by was * prosperity * and as Chris and I are both self employed its always an area where we most need to be aware and to be thankful and value our income and to be prepared to steward it well. The last few months when we have seen several holidays bite the dust due to ill health and family issues it has been a serious drain on our reserves so much so that at the end of this month when our self assessment tax and our NI are due to be paid it will take some amazing work of the Holy Spirit to cover us. For the first time in years we were unable to pay off our credit card invoice in full ...and that is seriously sad for our hearts. Having been in debt for so long we have so enjoyed some level of prosperity and paying off the credit card every month for last 4 years has been a source of great joy so we were really not happy when we realised it wasn't going to happen this time. Grrrrr
But for the purpose of this blog entry I want to lay out some of my thoughts re Multi site. Many of you will be aware that Kerith Bracknell opened a new site in Sandhurst and as we moved here last January we were really revved up and ready to go when September came around. We had been a part of the church when we met in Wick Hill Hall decades ago so we knew all about the set up and assorted things that would need doing. For first two or three weeks it was amazing..exciting...challenging...and we were so excited to be a part of this new thing. Sadly illness hit and my particular involvement had to be scaled way back.On the bright side Chris and Nick continued to be able to serve most weeks as Cat and I struggled on with ill health and caring for Elisha.
I have long known that * community * best happens when new things start and being fully involved in a ministry is always a great way for friendships and caring to happen almost effortlessly. As the term went on and I had to pull back even more...often not making the meeting at all or if I did ...leaving with Elisha as soon as the meeting was finished ...not always being able to stay for the coffee time I began to realise that * community * wasn't happening. I don't write this for anyone to say....aww ...poor girl.... I am blessed with friends that * stick closer than a brother * but in the life of our involvement in Kerith Sandhurst it wasn't happening. We did make it to the all church lunch that the Amazing Mehta family had at their home and it was great to actually chat to some people there that we didn't know at all...*community * three cheers for the Mehta Family
When Simon spoke about this on Sunday everything seemed to crystallise in my heart and spirit and I have spent a couple of days thinking through what God is saying and what I can be doing to move on . If I am honest my main friendships are in Kerith Bracknell and I do miss seeing them on Sundays and its not always possible to catch up with them during the week. I loved to just catch a smile off my friends as our eyes met during a worship song or a few minutes at beginning of meeting or a coffee at the end ....but this isn't happening at Sandhurst for me ...YET.... I have made efforts to ask about life groups and how to get into one and begin to be a part of a smaller group but again the main word for that is YET....I cant at the moment offer to serve as I need to be free for Elisha whilst Cat is not just in hospital as she is at this moment but also so support her until she is completely well...so for serving the word is still ...YET...I look around and to my old and tired eyes the majority of Kerith Sandhurst are young enough to be my sons and daughters and actually a lot of them are my daughter and hubby's closest friends and altho we chat they are probably not going to want to be our *community * There are several older members who like us will have their main ties still at Bracknell and I guess they too aren't going to be our *community* .
Simon encourages us all to be friendly....if we want friends to be friendly...go speak to people..ask them who they are..invite them into our homes and lives and I agree !00% with this but as I explained its not easy in this season of our lives .Many times in the last 4-6 months Chris and I have made arrangements to see people...do things...go places and illness has struck and we have had to pull out or cancel so many times that we are slightly embarrassed and hesitant to make that first tentative offer of friendship again just in case.
But having said all that there is a deep yearning placed inside all of us to be a part of something...something bigger than our own lives...bigger than our own four walls...bigger than the day to day lives we lead and Simon stirred me up again. It may take me a few more days/weeks/months to get to the place where I truly feel that Kerith Sandhurst is our spiritual community and not just the place we go on Sundays but I am determined to press through in this area.
Finally some jumbled thoughts on multi-site that may just be important to me....the actual venue is great... five minute drive from our home...plenty of car parking spaces and only a few yards to walk into building.... tiered seating so no worrying about someone six foot plus sitting in front of me....a sort of wooden footrail that is just the right height to place feet on so you can be comfy....the stage is really close ...and low ....so for me ..the lip reading aspect is fantastic and I never worry now about whether I need get there early to get a good seat as I can see the speaker no matter where I sit. Plus there is something about seeing the * whites of their eyes (!) * that lends a sort of friendly aspect to the worship band and with being able to see and hear the worship leader so well it has brought a new dimension to my ability to concentrate on worship without worrying if I haven't heard properly....the speaker is very close too and its sort of cosy.....esp if it is Simon as he usually sits on his stool so its a little like story time for adults !! The loos are nearby...the coffee area is literally a thirty second walk from auditorium and the childrens rooms ...recently moved into main building ...mean we don't have to even put coats on to drop off or pick up ...bliss...
If you haven't been to Kerith Sandhurst....come along and have a look...if I am able to be there ..come and say hello and be a part of my aim for *community * .
More on this series of preaching will follow in future blogs
The one that most challenged me was * community * and I confess to feeling very sad as I listened to him...its all about being involved not just in church but with each other and with our immediate sphere of influence..eg family...friends..work etc...
The other aspect of consolidation was * health * and I can tell you that this area in my life and families life is way overdue some miraculous intervention. Its not just Cat...its me...its the ongoing health issues that face our grand-daughter too ...health is def going to be high on the agenda this coming year
The final aspect that I felt challenged by was * prosperity * and as Chris and I are both self employed its always an area where we most need to be aware and to be thankful and value our income and to be prepared to steward it well. The last few months when we have seen several holidays bite the dust due to ill health and family issues it has been a serious drain on our reserves so much so that at the end of this month when our self assessment tax and our NI are due to be paid it will take some amazing work of the Holy Spirit to cover us. For the first time in years we were unable to pay off our credit card invoice in full ...and that is seriously sad for our hearts. Having been in debt for so long we have so enjoyed some level of prosperity and paying off the credit card every month for last 4 years has been a source of great joy so we were really not happy when we realised it wasn't going to happen this time. Grrrrr
But for the purpose of this blog entry I want to lay out some of my thoughts re Multi site. Many of you will be aware that Kerith Bracknell opened a new site in Sandhurst and as we moved here last January we were really revved up and ready to go when September came around. We had been a part of the church when we met in Wick Hill Hall decades ago so we knew all about the set up and assorted things that would need doing. For first two or three weeks it was amazing..exciting...challenging...and we were so excited to be a part of this new thing. Sadly illness hit and my particular involvement had to be scaled way back.On the bright side Chris and Nick continued to be able to serve most weeks as Cat and I struggled on with ill health and caring for Elisha.
I have long known that * community * best happens when new things start and being fully involved in a ministry is always a great way for friendships and caring to happen almost effortlessly. As the term went on and I had to pull back even more...often not making the meeting at all or if I did ...leaving with Elisha as soon as the meeting was finished ...not always being able to stay for the coffee time I began to realise that * community * wasn't happening. I don't write this for anyone to say....aww ...poor girl.... I am blessed with friends that * stick closer than a brother * but in the life of our involvement in Kerith Sandhurst it wasn't happening. We did make it to the all church lunch that the Amazing Mehta family had at their home and it was great to actually chat to some people there that we didn't know at all...*community * three cheers for the Mehta Family
When Simon spoke about this on Sunday everything seemed to crystallise in my heart and spirit and I have spent a couple of days thinking through what God is saying and what I can be doing to move on . If I am honest my main friendships are in Kerith Bracknell and I do miss seeing them on Sundays and its not always possible to catch up with them during the week. I loved to just catch a smile off my friends as our eyes met during a worship song or a few minutes at beginning of meeting or a coffee at the end ....but this isn't happening at Sandhurst for me ...YET.... I have made efforts to ask about life groups and how to get into one and begin to be a part of a smaller group but again the main word for that is YET....I cant at the moment offer to serve as I need to be free for Elisha whilst Cat is not just in hospital as she is at this moment but also so support her until she is completely well...so for serving the word is still ...YET...I look around and to my old and tired eyes the majority of Kerith Sandhurst are young enough to be my sons and daughters and actually a lot of them are my daughter and hubby's closest friends and altho we chat they are probably not going to want to be our *community * There are several older members who like us will have their main ties still at Bracknell and I guess they too aren't going to be our *community* .
Simon encourages us all to be friendly....if we want friends to be friendly...go speak to people..ask them who they are..invite them into our homes and lives and I agree !00% with this but as I explained its not easy in this season of our lives .Many times in the last 4-6 months Chris and I have made arrangements to see people...do things...go places and illness has struck and we have had to pull out or cancel so many times that we are slightly embarrassed and hesitant to make that first tentative offer of friendship again just in case.
But having said all that there is a deep yearning placed inside all of us to be a part of something...something bigger than our own lives...bigger than our own four walls...bigger than the day to day lives we lead and Simon stirred me up again. It may take me a few more days/weeks/months to get to the place where I truly feel that Kerith Sandhurst is our spiritual community and not just the place we go on Sundays but I am determined to press through in this area.
Finally some jumbled thoughts on multi-site that may just be important to me....the actual venue is great... five minute drive from our home...plenty of car parking spaces and only a few yards to walk into building.... tiered seating so no worrying about someone six foot plus sitting in front of me....a sort of wooden footrail that is just the right height to place feet on so you can be comfy....the stage is really close ...and low ....so for me ..the lip reading aspect is fantastic and I never worry now about whether I need get there early to get a good seat as I can see the speaker no matter where I sit. Plus there is something about seeing the * whites of their eyes (!) * that lends a sort of friendly aspect to the worship band and with being able to see and hear the worship leader so well it has brought a new dimension to my ability to concentrate on worship without worrying if I haven't heard properly....the speaker is very close too and its sort of cosy.....esp if it is Simon as he usually sits on his stool so its a little like story time for adults !! The loos are nearby...the coffee area is literally a thirty second walk from auditorium and the childrens rooms ...recently moved into main building ...mean we don't have to even put coats on to drop off or pick up ...bliss...
If you haven't been to Kerith Sandhurst....come along and have a look...if I am able to be there ..come and say hello and be a part of my aim for *community * .
More on this series of preaching will follow in future blogs
Tuesday 17 December 2013
THE GIFT OF FRIENDSHIP ( part two )
I am fascinated by friendships...relationships...people...in another life I may well have been a therapist as I love watching the interaction of different people in different settings. People watching is one of my all time favourite activities. I have been known to make up entire life stories about two people in a coffee shop...my husband thinks I am bonkers but he does join in at times too especially on holidays when we get time to chill out and watch the world go by.
This year ...if you have been following my blog....or indeed know me and been a part of my life in the real world...has been one of the worst years on record in my life. I am not even going to repeat all the sad bits...nor the health problems...nor the confusion...I console myself with saying that 2014 is just around the corner and I am so looking forward to a new beginning and a deep hope that it wont ever be as bad as 2013 has been .
I have had a lot of time on my hands this year...way more than I really wanted or needed and it has given me time to think....Thinking is sadly under-rated...I have come to the conclusion that I need to do a lot more thinking in future and less talking or acting or doing stuff but just being quiet and letting my mind and thoughts and emotions have a few moments to themselves !
This is what I have come up with whilst letting my mind free fall.....some other thoughts on the subject of Friendship. I wrote a blog entry about my friend Bren who recently went to glory leaving a huge gap in my heart and soul and as yet I am still finding it so hard to believe she is no longer here...no longer will I get an email or a text and I cant plan a trip down to see her. Its a weird horrid hurting gap left that I am daily praying that God will fill with peace on a day by day basis.
So...what other thoughts have occupied my thoughts on friendship ....I will just blurt them out in no particular order and not listed by their importance...just thoughts.
I have been reading and looking at the woman in the bible with the issue of blood....she has always been one of my favourite characters and I identify with some of what the story tells...( not that I have had an issue of blood ! ) but the fact of her being stigmatised...and marginalised within her community...I read a little between the lines and guess she isn't one of the people you would want to hang out with...simply because she was ill for so long. I wonder what her life was like before she got ill ...did she have lots of good friends...was her social life full...was she invited to friends homes or gatherings...did she herself have the gift of friendship and a full life within her community??
I kinda think that perhaps when she didn't get better that slowly but surely maybe her friends and her community and her support network just got smaller and smaller until after 12 years I think she was very alone....the culture of those times was that she was " unclean" so I am probably right in saying she was alone and probably lonely too.
So what am I saying here....If I am honest I have felt that the whole of this woman's 12 years has been whittled down to cover the last 8 months of my life...Previous to me becoming unwell I would have said I was blessed with some really precious friends and had as full a life as I could have around my work and family commitments. As it became apparent over the months that I wasn't going to get "better" and that the route to wholeness and wellness was going to a long haul rather than a few weeks I realised that slow but sure the contact and community I had was diminishing and days would go by with no contact with anyone except maybe a quick coffee time and then I noticed that even those were going and being replaced by txts and this last two weeks even the texts have almost died off too.
Please believe me...I am not pointing any fingers...I also hold my hand up and admit that most of the time I would make an arrangement and then cancel it at last minute if I wasn't able to cope or had a doctor/hospital appointment so I am definitely not blaming anyone. The woman in the bible probably had some good days when she thought perhaps she would be able to go see someone but then wham her issue came back again and she had to cancel again.
These thoughts on friendship have been brought to the fore of my mind mainly because of Bren's death...I can honestly say that she was the most loyal and loving and caring friend ever and no "issue of blood " made any difference to our love for each other...if I cancelled she just kept on loving and caring and keeping in touch..her emails and txts didn't stop until 6 days before she died and even then they were full of her concern for me and her love or me.
One other "odd" thing I have found is that friends who I have known for decades but maybe who haven't been a part of my everyday community have been so caring and understanding even if from a distance .. As I pondered on this ...the old versus the newer friendships...by that I mean the 15 years plus versus the less than 8-10 years I have been surprised and blessed by the oldies way more than the newbies. I wonder if this is specifically because of the history we share...or is it because they don't all live nearby and don't have to put up with me and my "issue"
I have come to the conclusion its because they knew me way before 2013 when life became so hard and they remember ME...as I was not ME as I am now.
My oldest buddy in Edinburgh ...Sandra is one of the best of friends one can ever know. Sandra came into my life at the same time as Chris did..so at least 41 years of shared history. Sandra has always been there for me...not always in the same country as she lived in South Africa for many years but by letters we kept our friendship alive and in more recent years ...texts emails and visits have all strengthened our love for one another. Sandra isn't a Christian....but she is a God believer if that makes sense.. (.I did check this out with her before I wrote this blog ) and her giving of herself and her home and her time has been a huge blessing to me. Loyalty...is one of her characteristics and no matter how low I have been this last year she has consistently loved and encouraged me all the time. Sometimes her advice is way off the wall but mostly she is just loving me through and treating me no differently to the ME that she has known all these 41 years. One other attribute that Sandra has that allows her to shine in my life is that we can talk about my faith and she supports me in that and would never try and change me...in the same way I totally accept that she isn't (yet) a follower of Jesus but that our friendship doesn't depend on us having the same belief ...its more dependent on who we are to each other....The other great thing about Sandra is she loves not just me but all my family too and takes an interest in all that we are doing....its a wrap around kind of friendship that truly allows me to feel safe.
In the same category as an * oldie * is my friend Sharon....we met probably 22 years ago here in Bracknell...she now lives in Yate near Bristol. Again for many years our friendship relied on letters ( shows our age as this was way before txts and emails ) and I find now over the last 3-4 years that the distance isn't any barrier to keeping the friendship alive and well....this last few months Sharon has consistently been a support and encouragement to me and mine. I could fill a whole blog talking about how this friendship has blessed me so much.
Another "oldie" is Caroline...she lives in Amsterdam and I last saw her in the flesh 32 years ago when she visited me in hospital when I gave birth to Andrew my middle child...and altho the miles and the distance are clearly an obstacle somehow or other we have kept alive the link of our hearts which first formed when we were five years old....Caroline is my * get real * friend...by this I mean she minces no words...says what she means...and keeps my feet on the ground... I love her outspoken thoughts and her amazing ability to remind me that life at times is a bummer but you just got to keep going. I also love the fact about Caroline that she is just as smitten with her grandchildren as I am with mine so we are a mutual adoration society on Facebook.
Finally another *oldie* who has once more proven that friendships can and do last the test of time. Melita...I have known for about 28 years ..we have holidayed together..served God together...shared a bed together ( never again..she is not that good a friend )..we have laughed and cried and prayed and lost all hope then found it again when least expected. Melita has now moved miles away and I have already forgiven her for that...but am still working on the forgiveness issue that she lives 105 seconds from the sea. Melita is an all round friend...she is who she is and and loves me exactly as I am ...all the time...
I count myself more that blessed to share about my friends....these are the ones who despite the distance ....have gone the distance with me....I have written this to honour them .
Sandra....Sharon ...Caroline ....Melita.....my friends...please know I love and value you in so many different ways and you are a gift from God into my life especially more so in recent months.
This year ...if you have been following my blog....or indeed know me and been a part of my life in the real world...has been one of the worst years on record in my life. I am not even going to repeat all the sad bits...nor the health problems...nor the confusion...I console myself with saying that 2014 is just around the corner and I am so looking forward to a new beginning and a deep hope that it wont ever be as bad as 2013 has been .
I have had a lot of time on my hands this year...way more than I really wanted or needed and it has given me time to think....Thinking is sadly under-rated...I have come to the conclusion that I need to do a lot more thinking in future and less talking or acting or doing stuff but just being quiet and letting my mind and thoughts and emotions have a few moments to themselves !
This is what I have come up with whilst letting my mind free fall.....some other thoughts on the subject of Friendship. I wrote a blog entry about my friend Bren who recently went to glory leaving a huge gap in my heart and soul and as yet I am still finding it so hard to believe she is no longer here...no longer will I get an email or a text and I cant plan a trip down to see her. Its a weird horrid hurting gap left that I am daily praying that God will fill with peace on a day by day basis.
So...what other thoughts have occupied my thoughts on friendship ....I will just blurt them out in no particular order and not listed by their importance...just thoughts.
I have been reading and looking at the woman in the bible with the issue of blood....she has always been one of my favourite characters and I identify with some of what the story tells...( not that I have had an issue of blood ! ) but the fact of her being stigmatised...and marginalised within her community...I read a little between the lines and guess she isn't one of the people you would want to hang out with...simply because she was ill for so long. I wonder what her life was like before she got ill ...did she have lots of good friends...was her social life full...was she invited to friends homes or gatherings...did she herself have the gift of friendship and a full life within her community??
I kinda think that perhaps when she didn't get better that slowly but surely maybe her friends and her community and her support network just got smaller and smaller until after 12 years I think she was very alone....the culture of those times was that she was " unclean" so I am probably right in saying she was alone and probably lonely too.
So what am I saying here....If I am honest I have felt that the whole of this woman's 12 years has been whittled down to cover the last 8 months of my life...Previous to me becoming unwell I would have said I was blessed with some really precious friends and had as full a life as I could have around my work and family commitments. As it became apparent over the months that I wasn't going to get "better" and that the route to wholeness and wellness was going to a long haul rather than a few weeks I realised that slow but sure the contact and community I had was diminishing and days would go by with no contact with anyone except maybe a quick coffee time and then I noticed that even those were going and being replaced by txts and this last two weeks even the texts have almost died off too.
Please believe me...I am not pointing any fingers...I also hold my hand up and admit that most of the time I would make an arrangement and then cancel it at last minute if I wasn't able to cope or had a doctor/hospital appointment so I am definitely not blaming anyone. The woman in the bible probably had some good days when she thought perhaps she would be able to go see someone but then wham her issue came back again and she had to cancel again.
These thoughts on friendship have been brought to the fore of my mind mainly because of Bren's death...I can honestly say that she was the most loyal and loving and caring friend ever and no "issue of blood " made any difference to our love for each other...if I cancelled she just kept on loving and caring and keeping in touch..her emails and txts didn't stop until 6 days before she died and even then they were full of her concern for me and her love or me.
One other "odd" thing I have found is that friends who I have known for decades but maybe who haven't been a part of my everyday community have been so caring and understanding even if from a distance .. As I pondered on this ...the old versus the newer friendships...by that I mean the 15 years plus versus the less than 8-10 years I have been surprised and blessed by the oldies way more than the newbies. I wonder if this is specifically because of the history we share...or is it because they don't all live nearby and don't have to put up with me and my "issue"
I have come to the conclusion its because they knew me way before 2013 when life became so hard and they remember ME...as I was not ME as I am now.
My oldest buddy in Edinburgh ...Sandra is one of the best of friends one can ever know. Sandra came into my life at the same time as Chris did..so at least 41 years of shared history. Sandra has always been there for me...not always in the same country as she lived in South Africa for many years but by letters we kept our friendship alive and in more recent years ...texts emails and visits have all strengthened our love for one another. Sandra isn't a Christian....but she is a God believer if that makes sense.. (.I did check this out with her before I wrote this blog ) and her giving of herself and her home and her time has been a huge blessing to me. Loyalty...is one of her characteristics and no matter how low I have been this last year she has consistently loved and encouraged me all the time. Sometimes her advice is way off the wall but mostly she is just loving me through and treating me no differently to the ME that she has known all these 41 years. One other attribute that Sandra has that allows her to shine in my life is that we can talk about my faith and she supports me in that and would never try and change me...in the same way I totally accept that she isn't (yet) a follower of Jesus but that our friendship doesn't depend on us having the same belief ...its more dependent on who we are to each other....The other great thing about Sandra is she loves not just me but all my family too and takes an interest in all that we are doing....its a wrap around kind of friendship that truly allows me to feel safe.
In the same category as an * oldie * is my friend Sharon....we met probably 22 years ago here in Bracknell...she now lives in Yate near Bristol. Again for many years our friendship relied on letters ( shows our age as this was way before txts and emails ) and I find now over the last 3-4 years that the distance isn't any barrier to keeping the friendship alive and well....this last few months Sharon has consistently been a support and encouragement to me and mine. I could fill a whole blog talking about how this friendship has blessed me so much.
Another "oldie" is Caroline...she lives in Amsterdam and I last saw her in the flesh 32 years ago when she visited me in hospital when I gave birth to Andrew my middle child...and altho the miles and the distance are clearly an obstacle somehow or other we have kept alive the link of our hearts which first formed when we were five years old....Caroline is my * get real * friend...by this I mean she minces no words...says what she means...and keeps my feet on the ground... I love her outspoken thoughts and her amazing ability to remind me that life at times is a bummer but you just got to keep going. I also love the fact about Caroline that she is just as smitten with her grandchildren as I am with mine so we are a mutual adoration society on Facebook.
Finally another *oldie* who has once more proven that friendships can and do last the test of time. Melita...I have known for about 28 years ..we have holidayed together..served God together...shared a bed together ( never again..she is not that good a friend )..we have laughed and cried and prayed and lost all hope then found it again when least expected. Melita has now moved miles away and I have already forgiven her for that...but am still working on the forgiveness issue that she lives 105 seconds from the sea. Melita is an all round friend...she is who she is and and loves me exactly as I am ...all the time...
I count myself more that blessed to share about my friends....these are the ones who despite the distance ....have gone the distance with me....I have written this to honour them .
Sandra....Sharon ...Caroline ....Melita.....my friends...please know I love and value you in so many different ways and you are a gift from God into my life especially more so in recent months.
Monday 25 November 2013
REFLECTIONS OF 1997 ..POETRY
My amazing husband found the poem and here it is ....I can remember the evening so well...I wonder if anyone else does too. I would love to hear from you if you were there.
I also realised that I did actually write another poem...This was for a Sparklers Time Out morning so watch this space for more poetry...who knows I may have a real gift !!
I also realised that I did actually write another poem...This was for a Sparklers Time Out morning so watch this space for more poetry...who knows I may have a real gift !!
REFLECTIONS
Come journey with me
throughout my year
and witness this moment that
God etched clear
in my search for the essence
of love.
A child so young, so
precious, so fair
stumbled and tumbled and fell
down the stair
Come watch with me in
Intensive Care.
I felt the coldness of the
valley of death
as I watched machines work to
give her breath
I was overwhelmed with
worries and fears
my eyes ached with the
fierceness of my tears
Yet even in this chaos I
heard this voice
I knew as always I had a
choice
To give way to the panic that
I was feeling
Or believe in the Lord and
trust Him for healing.
Was it then
that I knew the essence of love?
Perhaps
Come journey with me
throughout my year
and witness this moment that
God etched clear
in my search for the essence
of love.
A friendship covenanted in
love and prayer
nurtured and held with tender
care
I grew careless and took it
for granted
neglecting to watch over the
seeds that were planted
Harsh words came, like
weapons of war
they drew blood and opened
wounds so sore
Yet God in His mercy provided
words to say
For healing and forgiveness
and strength to pray.
Was it then
that I knew the essence of love?
Perhaps
Come journey with me
throughout my year
and witness this moment that
God etched clear
in my search for the essence
of love.
A child caught up in that
"in between" life
full of struggles and
conflict and inner strife
exposed and isolated by a
sense of shame
realisation dawning that
life's not a game.
As the burden of sin became
too heavy to bear
Eyes locked into mine begging
me to share
And forgiveness flowed like
heavenly rain
Our relationship released
from desperate pain.
Was it then
that I knew the essence of love?
Perhaps
Come journey with me
throughout my year
and witness this moment that
God etched clear
in my search for the essence
of love.
A woman of spirit called by
the Lord
A voice amongst voices
repeating these words
"You are fearfully and
wonderfully made"
"You are fearfully and
wonderfully made"
"You are fearfully and
wonderfully made"
As the echoes resounded again
and again
I could feel the familiar
sense of pain
And then all who were there
just disappeared
And in my spirit a vision
appeared
In the shadows childbirth
and even as I approached to
see
I knew the baby would be me.
And as I watched this event
unfold
My heart was gripped by icy
cold.
And as I saw the child born -
laid aside and rejected.
My spirit within felt dead
and dejected.
Then something happened that
was very strange
As I saw the shadows lift and
the vision change.
A presence I knew was
The Father picked up the
child.
I was cradled in His arms and
felt safe from all harm.
I heard His voice, like
thunder yet
whispering like a gentle
breeze into
my very soul
Eavesdrop with
me :
"Can a mother forget the
baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has
borne,
tho she may forget you I will
not forget you.
Before you were formed in the
womb I knew you
Before you were born I set
you apart
For I created your inmost
being
you are fearfully and
wonderfully made
and I will never leave you or
forsake you.
For I know the plans I have
for you,
plans to prosper you and not
bring you harm,
plans to give you hope and a
future.
And as my thoughts began to
gather
I knew this voice to be my
Father
And the eyes of my heart were
opened to see
that with this love I could
be me.
And chains that bound me to
the past
Released my spirit and I was
free at last
Was it then
that I knew the essence of love
OH YES
It was then
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