I wonder if there is a guide somewhere on how to make friends...and keep them and if so would it be any good to people. We cant work to a formula in the realm of friendships as we are all so different in our emotional make up and also in our life experiences.I think that's why friendships can be one of the more difficult areas in our lives and I am sure that you know many people who "don't speak " to one another for many and varied reasons.Unforgiveness and anger can destroy much of what is precious in our lives and when you come from a totally dysfunctional background the odds stacked against you are almost impossible to deal with.
I have a theory and if no-one in the arena of therapy or psychology has already coined the phrase maybe I can be famous for a new heading within the explanations of relationships.
The theory I have is called "the push /pull "of friendship....and I have over the years excelled at it,but be assured it isn't a healthy option and its one that has taken me decades to overcome. In the process I am more than confident that I have hurt some people and caused others some pain and perhaps I still engage in it subconsciously so if you recognise it and see me doing it ..please tell me...forgive me .....and help me to move on.
Growing up in the way I did with no healthy role models and no ability to learn from others I have had to make my own way in the minefields of building relationships. I am not going to go into the whole aspect of friendship within marriage as with Chris it is a different dynamic and altho some of the main characteristics of this theory have definitely evolved in our marriage I am going to focus more on woman-friends.
One thing I believe we all desire and need is acceptance and the freedom to be who we really are.For me....In the past I have entered into friendships with women with the belief that no-one would accept me as I really was and so straight away the foundation wouldn't have been built on honesty and truth.I used to "pull " people towards me by being extra friendly...extra caring...extra interested in their lives...extra available....all designed to influence women to like me but also to need me . For me with my warped thinking being needed was in itself of more value than being accepted ...so if there was a child that needed babysitting...I was the person...if there was a chore that needed doing...I would volunteer ...perhaps you get my drift.Once I was needed and relied on for various reasons I would then be unable to fulfil all that I had promised so then began the "push " part of this confusing equation.I would begin to "push" people away as I would be unable to meet the expectation I had given .
Then would begin the cycle that we can all get caught up in...lets see if you can follow me through the confusion ...I would make a commitment then not want to fulfil it...the person would be upset with me and make some remark...I would then feel hurt by what they said and withdraw ..thus confirming that they didn't really love me. Keep following..... Then as I withdrew the other person in this equation would then also back off as they would think I was unreliable or even that I wasn't the friend they thought I was in the first place and this of course would again confirm that I was unlovable or acceptable .I have oversimplified this theory but perhaps you get the message...pulling people towards me and then pushing them away is all too often the story of many adults who have had the kind of dysfunctional childhood I had.Of course it is also often the case that the relationship is made even more painful if it is with someone who is also not functioning with good foundations...and this has happened to me several times as often those who are damaged enter into relationships with others who are damaged in similar ways.
If this happens then you get both halves of the equation engaging in the same "game" and damage to both sides is inevitable. I have had to enter into some very painful discussions with a couple of friends over recent years as I have begun to unravel the consequences of some of my actions within friendships.I am endeavouring to be as honest with friends now as I am able in the hope that what you see is what you get...or perhaps I should say ..what you see is who I am.I have been on a journey this last 3-4 years ..one of discovery into who I am ..how I got to be me and what it means to be me.Writing this blog is a way of me being able to continue the journey and continue to discover things about myself and about friendships. I think I have written somewhere in previous entries that I actually like myself and that I am quite a nice person.!! This may be a seemingly simple thing to say but believe me when I say that writing that last sentence would never have been possible a few years ago and it is a major step that will propel me into the future . Having had no self validation for 50 plus years and having to process this has been no mean feat and I thank God he has opened my eyes to see who I really am.
For many years I would search for as many friends as I could...almost a desperation to fill all the empty voids in my heart and soul and would fill my days and evenings with "doing stuff". Ask any of the folk who knew me 15-20 years ago and their impression of me would be that I had loads of friends ...I think "gregarious" is a word that could have been used to describe me.In reality I had lots of
" acquaintances " but hardly any friends and acquaintances can be kept at arms length which is where the push /pull usually kept them. The sad part of all this was that I deeply yearned for more...for depth and honesty and for friends who would love me ...whatever. I began to give more of myself to a small number of women friends and those of you who know the "lady in the pink hat " will understand me when I say that friends with this kind of heart and soul are few and far between. I have two other women friends who were knitted into my spirit over many years and altho neither of them live near me any more we continue to enjoy an honest and open friendship from afar and know they love and accept me as I am.I am indebted to several friends over the years who have been instrumental in bringing truth and healing into my life and who I still count as buddies even if we don't spend much time together.I am also blessed by the "new" friends who are beginning to enter into my life and I am hoping that they develop into strong and healthy friendships as time goes by..
I began this entry with the question.....is there a guide to friendships....I know the bible has much to say about relationships and I have learned much from Gods leading and loving.I am still wearing the L plates of friendship and still making mistakes but I am loving more than ever the joy of knowing the women in my life...having fun together...doing life together...spending time with one another...sharing families ...troubles....celebrations...and my prayer for you all is that you will have good friends to walk with you along life's journey.
Shadow Of Victory
Thursday, 30 July 2009
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
July 28th The Lady in the Pink Hat
Hi everyone...thought I would share this with you as it is very much on the subject of Friendship.
THE LADY IN THE PINK HAT
My eyes drift unseeing as my arms and legs follow their own pattern for this skill known as swimming…you can do it on auto pilot with no thought given to any rhythm or co-ordination.
I am warm and satisfied with life.
I was born for holidays in the sun.
I am easily pleased.
I am in no hurry and going nowhere with little occupying my thoughts and as I continue my lazy strokes I begin to gaze around the poolside at the flotsam and jetsam of humanity who share my space under the hot sun and endless blue sky. I have always enjoyed watching people and ascribing stories to their lives and the poolside has rich pickings for my unoccupied imagination.
Mr and Mrs Lilo….in their 40s laying on their Asda priced airbeds and floating their lives away.
The Bicycle Family….extremely get up and go with their teenage son.
Fred and His Missus….he the silent one and she manufacturing enough words for them both
The Dads and their Lads…..lovely to see the bonding going on
Mrs Widow and son….hhmmnnn….some unhealthy stuff going on there
Ms Single Parent and daughter….being a full time mum seems to be boring for her.
The Multi Generation Family….I am envious and covet a holiday with a daughter and grandchild
The Lady in the Pink Hat…here with another woman ….I guess they are friends
I begin to focus more on this lady in the pink hat to the exclusion of all the other poolside people and let my thoughts travel into her life and my swimming goes onto auto pilot as I visualise who she is and where she comes from and what her life is like.
Her hat is pink and newly exchanged for 5 Euros at a mountain top village which served the most delicious cappuccinos. It is almost a wedding hat but somehow she carries off the casual look so well that everyone must see it is a poolside hat…a sun hat…a hat for all seasons.! It was with great glee she realised that unknown forces were at work at the exact moment when she decided on the pink hat rather than the white hat. This amazing pink hat matches her swimming cossie exactly. Not just the colour but the flower on the rim of this pink hat is a replica of the flowers on her cossie how cool is that!
The lady in the pink hat is of mature years. I wouldn’t presume to call her an OAP..but let’s say that she has travelled a fair way along the three score years and ten highway of life.. I look beyond the pink hat and I can see that she has been married for decades and has grown children and several grandchildren. Under the pink hat I can tell that the lines and wrinkles she wears so well were formed through much laughter and some anxiety. The pink hat sits so well upon her wise head and I know with certainty that the words she speaks will carry with them the weight of wisdom and life experience. This lady in the pink hat is fiercely loyal and her ability to walk alongside her friends is legendary. The pink hat may fool some people into thinking she is frivolous and light but let me assure you she is solid and strong.
The lady in the pink hat meets my gaze as I continue to swim and she smiles at me as if to say “I know you “and I can hear her say “you okay?”. Always this lady in the pink hat is concerned about others and as I return the smile and she has already begun to speak to others as they pass by her sun bed. I stop awhile and listen as she asks each person what they have been doing and where they have been and everyone is drawn into conversation feeling special and attended to by the lady in the pink hat. She effortlessly enfolds young and old into her sphere of calm and genuine warmth including the small boy who is not only encouraged to dive and swim but is treated to an ice cream sundae by the lady in the pink hat.
I settle in the corner of the pool with my book and every now and then I glance over at the lady in the pink hat and again my thoughts drift past the written word in my book to the unwritten words of this woman’s life. I can see her eyes following the print of her own book moving slowly from one side of the page to the other and every now and then they glaze over and I can see her become still and as if in commune with God her head slides forward in imitation of sleep but I know she is far from napping. The pink hat stays firmly attached to her head even when gravity should have caught it and dribbled it forward on her face. The lady in the pink hat is outwardly at rest but inwardly I know she is hard at work praying and I can see this lady is not to be messed with even by the natural forces at work in this world.
As she rests I know that her thoughts will have travelled way beyond the pink hat and will be touching the highest heavens as she intercedes on behalf of her family and friends. I even begin to believe that I will be included in her prayers. The lady in the pink hat never gives up….never fails to believe…never stops to think it cant or wont be done here on earth as it is in heaven. Only a woman in a pink hat can have this blessed assurance that God will already be on the move to grant her pleading. For many years this woman in the pink hat has prayed and never given up and her faith still brings me to my own knees long after my voice has ceased to be heard.
I continue to ponder this lady in the pink hat and once again I seem to have a fresh insight into her life as I watch her begin again to read her book. She reads slow but sure and somehow the book on her lap turns into the bible and I see in the shadow of my mind the many hours she has laboured over the precious word of God. I can almost hear her speak to me and others in hymns and psalms and just as the water in this pool is enveloping me and lulling me into a deep sense of peace I know the lady in the pink hat does the same to folks back home in her other life. At times the lady in the pink hat will be like a stream of living water sent into the dry and thirsty desert of our lives to bring hope and encouragement to those who are in dire need of refreshment. The matching cossie she wears covers an ample bosom and I suspect she often bemoans her shape but I also know that when in need of two arms to hold me and hug me and re-assure me I would rather have the lady in the pink hat with all her ampleness to lean upon than risk being stabbed to death by some bony size zero.
I begin to feel slightly chilled and realise I am prune like after long minutes spent in the water and I cast one more glance at the lady in the pink hat. She has stilled for a moment and looks up into the endlessly blue sky as if searching for an answer and I am able to examine her at my leisure without fear of being caught staring . I look beyond the pink hat and I see heartache reflected in her eyes and I know without any contradiction that the pink hat is only a momentary respite for the cares and concerns she carries. As well as the fun and laughter …the loyalty and faith….the wisdom and strength…the ability to pray and intercede and the amazing heart and soul within this woman there is also an aching for the unanswered prayers and the ongoing hope she has for the future.
You may wonder how on earth I can “see” all this from a casual glance or a moment caught in time. or you may think I have a wild imagination….I confess that I have inside knowledge of this lady in the pink hat and although I have allowed you to know a little about her other life….the life she leads when not wearing her pink hat….my description of her doesn’t even begin to do her justice. This lady in the pink hat I am honoured to call my friend and for almost 25 years the lady in the pink hat has walked with me and talked with me. This lady in the pink hat has held my hand as I have struggled to stay on the path and she has passed me tissues as I have wept in the dark moments This lady in the pink hat has supported me through some tough times and she has served alongside me in many areas of church life. This lady in the pink hat has laughed with me till we have cried at so many shared jokes and life situations including laughing at me !. This lady in the pink hat and her family have been joined at the hip to me and mine and as we approach the autumn years my hope is that the pink hat becomes a symbol of friendship to reflect upon in times to come. This lady in the pink hat knows me through and through and yet still calls me her friend and has never judged me even when I have been outrageously in need of judgement. This lady in the pink hat has laughed at my jokes and has admonished me when I step over the line and I am more than blessed to have her in my life
My purpose in sharing this with you is not just to honour the lady in the pink hat but in the hope that you will also take a moment to think about your friends …they may not wear a pink hat but lets be so thankful for each and everyone of them….and find a way of telling them .
May each and every one of you have the blessing of a Lady in a Pink Hat in your lives.
THE LADY IN THE PINK HAT
My eyes drift unseeing as my arms and legs follow their own pattern for this skill known as swimming…you can do it on auto pilot with no thought given to any rhythm or co-ordination.
I am warm and satisfied with life.
I was born for holidays in the sun.
I am easily pleased.
I am in no hurry and going nowhere with little occupying my thoughts and as I continue my lazy strokes I begin to gaze around the poolside at the flotsam and jetsam of humanity who share my space under the hot sun and endless blue sky. I have always enjoyed watching people and ascribing stories to their lives and the poolside has rich pickings for my unoccupied imagination.
Mr and Mrs Lilo….in their 40s laying on their Asda priced airbeds and floating their lives away.
The Bicycle Family….extremely get up and go with their teenage son.
Fred and His Missus….he the silent one and she manufacturing enough words for them both
The Dads and their Lads…..lovely to see the bonding going on
Mrs Widow and son….hhmmnnn….some unhealthy stuff going on there
Ms Single Parent and daughter….being a full time mum seems to be boring for her.
The Multi Generation Family….I am envious and covet a holiday with a daughter and grandchild
The Lady in the Pink Hat…here with another woman ….I guess they are friends
I begin to focus more on this lady in the pink hat to the exclusion of all the other poolside people and let my thoughts travel into her life and my swimming goes onto auto pilot as I visualise who she is and where she comes from and what her life is like.
Her hat is pink and newly exchanged for 5 Euros at a mountain top village which served the most delicious cappuccinos. It is almost a wedding hat but somehow she carries off the casual look so well that everyone must see it is a poolside hat…a sun hat…a hat for all seasons.! It was with great glee she realised that unknown forces were at work at the exact moment when she decided on the pink hat rather than the white hat. This amazing pink hat matches her swimming cossie exactly. Not just the colour but the flower on the rim of this pink hat is a replica of the flowers on her cossie how cool is that!
The lady in the pink hat is of mature years. I wouldn’t presume to call her an OAP..but let’s say that she has travelled a fair way along the three score years and ten highway of life.. I look beyond the pink hat and I can see that she has been married for decades and has grown children and several grandchildren. Under the pink hat I can tell that the lines and wrinkles she wears so well were formed through much laughter and some anxiety. The pink hat sits so well upon her wise head and I know with certainty that the words she speaks will carry with them the weight of wisdom and life experience. This lady in the pink hat is fiercely loyal and her ability to walk alongside her friends is legendary. The pink hat may fool some people into thinking she is frivolous and light but let me assure you she is solid and strong.
The lady in the pink hat meets my gaze as I continue to swim and she smiles at me as if to say “I know you “and I can hear her say “you okay?”. Always this lady in the pink hat is concerned about others and as I return the smile and she has already begun to speak to others as they pass by her sun bed. I stop awhile and listen as she asks each person what they have been doing and where they have been and everyone is drawn into conversation feeling special and attended to by the lady in the pink hat. She effortlessly enfolds young and old into her sphere of calm and genuine warmth including the small boy who is not only encouraged to dive and swim but is treated to an ice cream sundae by the lady in the pink hat.
I settle in the corner of the pool with my book and every now and then I glance over at the lady in the pink hat and again my thoughts drift past the written word in my book to the unwritten words of this woman’s life. I can see her eyes following the print of her own book moving slowly from one side of the page to the other and every now and then they glaze over and I can see her become still and as if in commune with God her head slides forward in imitation of sleep but I know she is far from napping. The pink hat stays firmly attached to her head even when gravity should have caught it and dribbled it forward on her face. The lady in the pink hat is outwardly at rest but inwardly I know she is hard at work praying and I can see this lady is not to be messed with even by the natural forces at work in this world.
As she rests I know that her thoughts will have travelled way beyond the pink hat and will be touching the highest heavens as she intercedes on behalf of her family and friends. I even begin to believe that I will be included in her prayers. The lady in the pink hat never gives up….never fails to believe…never stops to think it cant or wont be done here on earth as it is in heaven. Only a woman in a pink hat can have this blessed assurance that God will already be on the move to grant her pleading. For many years this woman in the pink hat has prayed and never given up and her faith still brings me to my own knees long after my voice has ceased to be heard.
I continue to ponder this lady in the pink hat and once again I seem to have a fresh insight into her life as I watch her begin again to read her book. She reads slow but sure and somehow the book on her lap turns into the bible and I see in the shadow of my mind the many hours she has laboured over the precious word of God. I can almost hear her speak to me and others in hymns and psalms and just as the water in this pool is enveloping me and lulling me into a deep sense of peace I know the lady in the pink hat does the same to folks back home in her other life. At times the lady in the pink hat will be like a stream of living water sent into the dry and thirsty desert of our lives to bring hope and encouragement to those who are in dire need of refreshment. The matching cossie she wears covers an ample bosom and I suspect she often bemoans her shape but I also know that when in need of two arms to hold me and hug me and re-assure me I would rather have the lady in the pink hat with all her ampleness to lean upon than risk being stabbed to death by some bony size zero.
I begin to feel slightly chilled and realise I am prune like after long minutes spent in the water and I cast one more glance at the lady in the pink hat. She has stilled for a moment and looks up into the endlessly blue sky as if searching for an answer and I am able to examine her at my leisure without fear of being caught staring . I look beyond the pink hat and I see heartache reflected in her eyes and I know without any contradiction that the pink hat is only a momentary respite for the cares and concerns she carries. As well as the fun and laughter …the loyalty and faith….the wisdom and strength…the ability to pray and intercede and the amazing heart and soul within this woman there is also an aching for the unanswered prayers and the ongoing hope she has for the future.
You may wonder how on earth I can “see” all this from a casual glance or a moment caught in time. or you may think I have a wild imagination….I confess that I have inside knowledge of this lady in the pink hat and although I have allowed you to know a little about her other life….the life she leads when not wearing her pink hat….my description of her doesn’t even begin to do her justice. This lady in the pink hat I am honoured to call my friend and for almost 25 years the lady in the pink hat has walked with me and talked with me. This lady in the pink hat has held my hand as I have struggled to stay on the path and she has passed me tissues as I have wept in the dark moments This lady in the pink hat has supported me through some tough times and she has served alongside me in many areas of church life. This lady in the pink hat has laughed with me till we have cried at so many shared jokes and life situations including laughing at me !. This lady in the pink hat and her family have been joined at the hip to me and mine and as we approach the autumn years my hope is that the pink hat becomes a symbol of friendship to reflect upon in times to come. This lady in the pink hat knows me through and through and yet still calls me her friend and has never judged me even when I have been outrageously in need of judgement. This lady in the pink hat has laughed at my jokes and has admonished me when I step over the line and I am more than blessed to have her in my life
My purpose in sharing this with you is not just to honour the lady in the pink hat but in the hope that you will also take a moment to think about your friends …they may not wear a pink hat but lets be so thankful for each and everyone of them….and find a way of telling them .
May each and every one of you have the blessing of a Lady in a Pink Hat in your lives.
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
July 14th More Midnight Ramblings
I find myself once more unable to sleep....this time because I haven't been too well and have been sleeping for part of the day/evening and now find myself wide awake and way past bedtime.It is always in the dead of night that my thoughts can turn to blogging.....so lets see where this leads me to .
I have blogged part of my growing up and I think I have reached adult hood in my time line...I am not going to go into details at this point of the friendship I have with my man....he is first and foremost the friend who I turn to..lean on...share with..cry and laugh with but I feel it is more to women that I am writing this blog altho if you are a man reading this ...then read on.
For the first 10 -12 years of my adult life age 19-29...I was busy doing what a lot of folk do in that period...meeting husband to be...marriage..children...settling down etc and like most young couples with children our social life revolved round family/friends gatherings.We didn't have a particularly wide circle of friends but I can honestly say that apart from 1-2 of them we have very little contact with any of them all these years later. I do wonder if the quality of the relationships didn't go deep enough to survive more than the obligatory Christmas card.
When we moved to England I realised just how much I needed friends. I spent the first 6 months of our time down here crying....I was sooooo lonely....I didn't want to be here....I didn't want to stay here...I didn't want to smile and make small talk with people who talked as if they had marbles in their mouth and sometimes didn't understand what I said either. English people lived in a different dimension to us...I didn't possess a diary before I moved here...if I wanted to see a friend I just dropped in...my door was kept on the latch so friends could just knock and walk in...sadly down here...you had to ring first and make and appointment and no-one just knocked on my door and walked in.
I discovered I was pregnant with our third child and this changed my life....I had to get out and make friends...and the first person I made a tentative friendship with was also pregnant...and also a Christian..( I wasn't a Christian at this point)..She was a member of Bracknell Baptist Church.(which later became Bracknell Family Church and nowadays is called Kerith Community Church ) SP was my life saver...life changer...she showed me friendship that changed my whole way of thinking . For many years I had always thought that people couldn't be trusted..shouldn't be trusted...and therefor my relationships were always quite surface and shallow and usually unable to survive any stress or conflict.
SP introduced me to others in her circle and a new journey began for me .Altho still very homesick and struggling with pregnancy ..new house..new way of life..settling the other two children into school and nursery I found myself opening up and sharing myself with her. Perhaps it was the new beginning I had subconsciously yearned for..perhaps it was getting away from all the trauma of childhood and starting afresh in a completely new place where no-one knew me or Chris or our background. Perhaps I thought I could almost re-invent myself and be whoever I chose to be...whatever the reasons I began to settle and feel calmer inside..less homesick..less lonely.
Little did I know that SP and others were already storming heaven on my behalf ..praying for God to draw me close..praying for God to bless me....Praying for God to show me His son Jesus. I knew nothing of this till months later...all I do know is that there was a strange sense of peace and belonging taking root. For some months as we grew fatter with with our babies..we were both due in January and our families began to hang out for walks and play dates etc SP would talk about her church and her faith. I originally wondered if the friendship would fade if I didn't show any interest in her church /religion and this was the first thing I put to the test. I told her in no uncertain terms that I wasn't interested in God...knew little about Jesus and didn't have time for church..and then waited to see what she would do or say.
I think I have said before I have a tendency to be a people pleaser ...rather than risk rejection I can sometimes be a bit of a chameleon and change thoughts or opinions to suit the person or occasion..but I felt it was important to get this out in the open right at the beginning...if she wanted to be my friend it had to be for ME alone and not whether I would believe in her God or go to her church. I wasn't anti..just hadn't really bothered before and certainly didn't want to bother now.It made no difference to our friendship and it continued to grow as we both had our babies within 3 weeks of each other and life settled into routine. I now had a firm friend...our husbands got on well....the kids were similar ages and we could all have tea together or go for walks etc and we had babysitters if needed and life was moving us on.Into this mix we also met and made friends with another couple...and strangely(!)they too were Christians and went to same church as SP .Again unknown to me they too were knocking on the gates of heaven and praying ......I wont go into all the details of my salvation and what happened with Chris and I that year.....it was an amazing year for us all ...children too....but as this part of the blog is about "friendships" I will press on next time with more of this.
I wonder how you all are?...if life is treating you good? what your own thoughts on friendships are? My prayer is that as I continue to ramble and jot down my thoughts and feelings it will lend insight into life issues that you may also be struggling with and that perhaps together we can makes some sense of the mystery that goes into relationships .May the God of all comfort bless you and enrich each and everyone of you with good friends...friends who will love..support...encourage ,,care and accept who you are in every way.
I have blogged part of my growing up and I think I have reached adult hood in my time line...I am not going to go into details at this point of the friendship I have with my man....he is first and foremost the friend who I turn to..lean on...share with..cry and laugh with but I feel it is more to women that I am writing this blog altho if you are a man reading this ...then read on.
For the first 10 -12 years of my adult life age 19-29...I was busy doing what a lot of folk do in that period...meeting husband to be...marriage..children...settling down etc and like most young couples with children our social life revolved round family/friends gatherings.We didn't have a particularly wide circle of friends but I can honestly say that apart from 1-2 of them we have very little contact with any of them all these years later. I do wonder if the quality of the relationships didn't go deep enough to survive more than the obligatory Christmas card.
When we moved to England I realised just how much I needed friends. I spent the first 6 months of our time down here crying....I was sooooo lonely....I didn't want to be here....I didn't want to stay here...I didn't want to smile and make small talk with people who talked as if they had marbles in their mouth and sometimes didn't understand what I said either. English people lived in a different dimension to us...I didn't possess a diary before I moved here...if I wanted to see a friend I just dropped in...my door was kept on the latch so friends could just knock and walk in...sadly down here...you had to ring first and make and appointment and no-one just knocked on my door and walked in.
I discovered I was pregnant with our third child and this changed my life....I had to get out and make friends...and the first person I made a tentative friendship with was also pregnant...and also a Christian..( I wasn't a Christian at this point)..She was a member of Bracknell Baptist Church.(which later became Bracknell Family Church and nowadays is called Kerith Community Church ) SP was my life saver...life changer...she showed me friendship that changed my whole way of thinking . For many years I had always thought that people couldn't be trusted..shouldn't be trusted...and therefor my relationships were always quite surface and shallow and usually unable to survive any stress or conflict.
SP introduced me to others in her circle and a new journey began for me .Altho still very homesick and struggling with pregnancy ..new house..new way of life..settling the other two children into school and nursery I found myself opening up and sharing myself with her. Perhaps it was the new beginning I had subconsciously yearned for..perhaps it was getting away from all the trauma of childhood and starting afresh in a completely new place where no-one knew me or Chris or our background. Perhaps I thought I could almost re-invent myself and be whoever I chose to be...whatever the reasons I began to settle and feel calmer inside..less homesick..less lonely.
Little did I know that SP and others were already storming heaven on my behalf ..praying for God to draw me close..praying for God to bless me....Praying for God to show me His son Jesus. I knew nothing of this till months later...all I do know is that there was a strange sense of peace and belonging taking root. For some months as we grew fatter with with our babies..we were both due in January and our families began to hang out for walks and play dates etc SP would talk about her church and her faith. I originally wondered if the friendship would fade if I didn't show any interest in her church /religion and this was the first thing I put to the test. I told her in no uncertain terms that I wasn't interested in God...knew little about Jesus and didn't have time for church..and then waited to see what she would do or say.
I think I have said before I have a tendency to be a people pleaser ...rather than risk rejection I can sometimes be a bit of a chameleon and change thoughts or opinions to suit the person or occasion..but I felt it was important to get this out in the open right at the beginning...if she wanted to be my friend it had to be for ME alone and not whether I would believe in her God or go to her church. I wasn't anti..just hadn't really bothered before and certainly didn't want to bother now.It made no difference to our friendship and it continued to grow as we both had our babies within 3 weeks of each other and life settled into routine. I now had a firm friend...our husbands got on well....the kids were similar ages and we could all have tea together or go for walks etc and we had babysitters if needed and life was moving us on.Into this mix we also met and made friends with another couple...and strangely(!)they too were Christians and went to same church as SP .Again unknown to me they too were knocking on the gates of heaven and praying ......I wont go into all the details of my salvation and what happened with Chris and I that year.....it was an amazing year for us all ...children too....but as this part of the blog is about "friendships" I will press on next time with more of this.
I wonder how you all are?...if life is treating you good? what your own thoughts on friendships are? My prayer is that as I continue to ramble and jot down my thoughts and feelings it will lend insight into life issues that you may also be struggling with and that perhaps together we can makes some sense of the mystery that goes into relationships .May the God of all comfort bless you and enrich each and everyone of you with good friends...friends who will love..support...encourage ,,care and accept who you are in every way.
Saturday, 20 June 2009
June 20th Midnight Ramblings
I cant sleep...so have decided to blog for a bit and ramble ..as you do at 12.20 am when sleep has disappeared and the telly has lost all promise of keeping my attention. Friendships are a funny old thing...there are loads of cliche type of sayings and the cringe inducing emails that go the rounds..(sorry to those who keep sending me them )...but all fall short of really explaining in a concrete and understandable way what friendships are all about.
I am not going to pretend that I have got it all sussed out ....all I know for sure is my life would be so much the poorer without the friends I have now and the friends I have known over the years.
Many years ago ..one of the lead elders of the church did a sermon on friendship and as part of his message he had us write down the names of 5 people who we would consider to be close friends. I was amazed that so many people found this a difficult task . Over the years I have been involved in several groups where friendships were on the discussion agendas and again have found it hard to see that many people would say they don't have close friends. Even today I know several women who would say that they don't have close friends.
My biggest fear is that if people really knew what I was like they wouldn't want to be my friend. I am basically a people pleaser...built into my spirit is a huge fear of abandonment and I guess if you have followed my blog you will know where that comes from.There are times I am in church and I look around and everyone seems to be in groups all talking and I feel alone....not lonely....just alone. One of the things I struggle with most in church settings is the part where they say "turn to person near you and say hello"...or "get up and go chat to someone you don't know" If you look around at that time my bum will probably still be planted on the chair.The saddest thing is that often no-one actually talks to me or comes over to me and I still feel alone...
Please don't feel sorry for me or tell me to "get a grip".I am being honest both with myself and with you. I have been making a huge effort to change this in myself and to shake off the feelings of "no one loves me" syndrome. Mainly because I know its not true.!!!!...But there are times when feelings obscure the facts.
I will blog more sensibly in next entry....and begin the trawl through the years and share about the amazing people who I have known as friends...and how my life has shaped the way I have related to them .Looking back...I can see I have made many mistakes and caused hurt to some friends and if at any time I have caused pain to anyone reading this I hope you will forgive me. My aim in blogging is to grow more...learn more...love more....understand more..
Mark ch 12 v 29-31 says this
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength . The second is this ....love your neighbour as yourself."
I read somewhere that it is impossible to "love your neighbour as yourself" when so many of us don't actually love ourselves.! My quest in the last year or so has been to learn to "love myself" and certainly this last few months as I have kept this blog it has been an ongoing search deep within to allow God to show me how loved I am by Him and in doing this I am coming into a new revelation that I am actually quite lovable. How cool is that?!!
I am not going to pretend that I have got it all sussed out ....all I know for sure is my life would be so much the poorer without the friends I have now and the friends I have known over the years.
Many years ago ..one of the lead elders of the church did a sermon on friendship and as part of his message he had us write down the names of 5 people who we would consider to be close friends. I was amazed that so many people found this a difficult task . Over the years I have been involved in several groups where friendships were on the discussion agendas and again have found it hard to see that many people would say they don't have close friends. Even today I know several women who would say that they don't have close friends.
My biggest fear is that if people really knew what I was like they wouldn't want to be my friend. I am basically a people pleaser...built into my spirit is a huge fear of abandonment and I guess if you have followed my blog you will know where that comes from.There are times I am in church and I look around and everyone seems to be in groups all talking and I feel alone....not lonely....just alone. One of the things I struggle with most in church settings is the part where they say "turn to person near you and say hello"...or "get up and go chat to someone you don't know" If you look around at that time my bum will probably still be planted on the chair.The saddest thing is that often no-one actually talks to me or comes over to me and I still feel alone...
Please don't feel sorry for me or tell me to "get a grip".I am being honest both with myself and with you. I have been making a huge effort to change this in myself and to shake off the feelings of "no one loves me" syndrome. Mainly because I know its not true.!!!!...But there are times when feelings obscure the facts.
I will blog more sensibly in next entry....and begin the trawl through the years and share about the amazing people who I have known as friends...and how my life has shaped the way I have related to them .Looking back...I can see I have made many mistakes and caused hurt to some friends and if at any time I have caused pain to anyone reading this I hope you will forgive me. My aim in blogging is to grow more...learn more...love more....understand more..
Mark ch 12 v 29-31 says this
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength . The second is this ....love your neighbour as yourself."
I read somewhere that it is impossible to "love your neighbour as yourself" when so many of us don't actually love ourselves.! My quest in the last year or so has been to learn to "love myself" and certainly this last few months as I have kept this blog it has been an ongoing search deep within to allow God to show me how loved I am by Him and in doing this I am coming into a new revelation that I am actually quite lovable. How cool is that?!!
Monday, 15 June 2009
JUNE 15th Friendships
Well....here we go with this "thorn". I am going to go way back and remind you that for many years I didn't live in same place ...If you remember my parents split up..got back together..split up ...and on and on....I was in and out of children's homes and went to many different schools until I was 12 years old.
This in itself prevented me from making lasting friendships and I was always the "new girl" in class or the "new kid on the block" which could have gone two ways...either I would be excruciatingly shy or I would be very bolshie.!! There is no prize for guessing which way I went . Having said that ...I was also quite a nice little girl...very pretty and intelligent and able to communicate well.. Teachers liked me and that made it easier for me to fit in. Strange to think that I may have been the only youngster in the world who loved school...at school I was treated well...food was plentiful..in those days poor families got free meals and as I was bright the teachers would ask me to help them with the little ones.
I have one friend who has lasted the test of time...we met on my first day at primary school...we were both 5 and altho she lives in Amsterdam and I haven't seen her in decades we have always kept in touch . She knows all my bad history and some we shared as we grew up....we still have the kind of friendship that if she lived in Britain I know we would still be in each others lives. There is something about shared history which binds people together.
I hesitate to even put into writing this next part but again I am attempting to be open..honest..vulnerable and trusting that "writing is my best chance of happiness". After my mum left me...and I went to live with my dad I went to an excellent school...it was the Scottish equivalent of a Grammar school...and I just didn't fit in....I was academically capable but the social strata was way above me...these kids had bedrooms to themselves...rather than sharing one bedroom with a dad and 2 brothers ...They had bathrooms rather than a toilet and a visit to public baths on a Tuesday evening. They had washing machines rather than a weekly trip to launderette.Their parents came to open evenings whilst my dad had to work .My worst ever nightmare was wearing the second hand school uniform and realising the name tape in one of the garments was the girl in my class and she recognised it.
Bullying wasn't really recognised as a problem in those days ...we were still in the era where teachers were law and the "belt" was given as punishment for bad behaviour and what Sir said..we did. I wish I could perhaps gain some sympathy from you by saying I was bullied but I am ashamed to admit that it was me who was the bully. It is a sad and awful episode in my friendship thorn and one I am deeply grateful to know that God has forgiven me and the girl in question has too.(I was able to ask her forgiveness about 17 years ago). This girl J had everything...she was an only child with loving parents she had a gorgeous pink room all to herself..she went horse riding...and she went ski-ing...and she was pretty with blue eyes and hair to die for...She was very popular and friendly and a genuinely lovely person. J took me under her wing and I found myself in the inner circle..invited for tea...parties...but always feeling as if I was on the outside looking in. I couldn't return the invites I was far too ashamed of my dads house and the life I had led.
After several months I began to bully J in a very subtle way...I never physically touched her but began to torment her in class when no-one was looking. I would take her book or pen and not let her have it back.I would tear up her homework and bin it. I would drop her school bag down the loo......AAAGGGHHHHHH...... I was awful and I am sure a child therapist would dress this all up in some way to excuse my behaviour. but all I know is I was a nasty horrible bully to this poor girl who didn't deserve to be treated like this no matter what kind of background I came from. Even worse J continued to befriend me for the best part of a year until her parents found out and I was called to the headmasters office with my dad...the one and only time my dad ever came to the school. I was asked to leave !! only it was dressed up as "perhaps it would be better to move Irene to a school nearer to your home and where she will find it easier to fit in with her brother being there too." Translation ...was simply that they didn't want my sort at their school and the one nearer my home was an ordinary secondary school with the same "type" of children as me...ie those with no bathroom and no bedroom of their own.
So there I was...transferred to yet another school and once again the new girl...I never really fitted in at this school as all the kids had been there for a year already and their friendships were established with many of them being continuations from primary school and so I danced around on the outskirts of every group having the crumbs of everyone else's "best friends " Maybe its only girls who know this but having a "best friend" was the only thing needed in adolescence..everything else goes by the wayside.I never had my own best friend but seemed to share other peoples who for a season would be mine before filtering off to better buddies.I don't keep in touch with any of my secondary school friends as the roots of life didn't go deep enough and I had some very embarrassing emails from Friends Reunited before I gave up as so many of them said the "didn't remember me at all" How sad is that then.!!!
Despite this chequered school life I did well and left school at 16 with 6 good academic O levels (sadly I was not given the choice to stay on for Highers...the Scottish equivalent of A levels ) and thus began a whole new chapter for me in the realm of relationships.Being at work is a whole different ball game from school and socially I was able to make my own circle of friends..more of which next time .I am eternally grateful that God is in the business of teaching us about relationships... He is the author and perfecter of relationships...He is the initiator of relationships in that He gave His precious son Jesus so that I might enter into a loving relationship with Him as Abba father....I had much to learn and He so graciously taught me ...but there was still a long journey to take ...I hope you will continue to walk this with me.
This in itself prevented me from making lasting friendships and I was always the "new girl" in class or the "new kid on the block" which could have gone two ways...either I would be excruciatingly shy or I would be very bolshie.!! There is no prize for guessing which way I went . Having said that ...I was also quite a nice little girl...very pretty and intelligent and able to communicate well.. Teachers liked me and that made it easier for me to fit in. Strange to think that I may have been the only youngster in the world who loved school...at school I was treated well...food was plentiful..in those days poor families got free meals and as I was bright the teachers would ask me to help them with the little ones.
I have one friend who has lasted the test of time...we met on my first day at primary school...we were both 5 and altho she lives in Amsterdam and I haven't seen her in decades we have always kept in touch . She knows all my bad history and some we shared as we grew up....we still have the kind of friendship that if she lived in Britain I know we would still be in each others lives. There is something about shared history which binds people together.
I hesitate to even put into writing this next part but again I am attempting to be open..honest..vulnerable and trusting that "writing is my best chance of happiness". After my mum left me...and I went to live with my dad I went to an excellent school...it was the Scottish equivalent of a Grammar school...and I just didn't fit in....I was academically capable but the social strata was way above me...these kids had bedrooms to themselves...rather than sharing one bedroom with a dad and 2 brothers ...They had bathrooms rather than a toilet and a visit to public baths on a Tuesday evening. They had washing machines rather than a weekly trip to launderette.Their parents came to open evenings whilst my dad had to work .My worst ever nightmare was wearing the second hand school uniform and realising the name tape in one of the garments was the girl in my class and she recognised it.
Bullying wasn't really recognised as a problem in those days ...we were still in the era where teachers were law and the "belt" was given as punishment for bad behaviour and what Sir said..we did. I wish I could perhaps gain some sympathy from you by saying I was bullied but I am ashamed to admit that it was me who was the bully. It is a sad and awful episode in my friendship thorn and one I am deeply grateful to know that God has forgiven me and the girl in question has too.(I was able to ask her forgiveness about 17 years ago). This girl J had everything...she was an only child with loving parents she had a gorgeous pink room all to herself..she went horse riding...and she went ski-ing...and she was pretty with blue eyes and hair to die for...She was very popular and friendly and a genuinely lovely person. J took me under her wing and I found myself in the inner circle..invited for tea...parties...but always feeling as if I was on the outside looking in. I couldn't return the invites I was far too ashamed of my dads house and the life I had led.
After several months I began to bully J in a very subtle way...I never physically touched her but began to torment her in class when no-one was looking. I would take her book or pen and not let her have it back.I would tear up her homework and bin it. I would drop her school bag down the loo......AAAGGGHHHHHH...... I was awful and I am sure a child therapist would dress this all up in some way to excuse my behaviour. but all I know is I was a nasty horrible bully to this poor girl who didn't deserve to be treated like this no matter what kind of background I came from. Even worse J continued to befriend me for the best part of a year until her parents found out and I was called to the headmasters office with my dad...the one and only time my dad ever came to the school. I was asked to leave !! only it was dressed up as "perhaps it would be better to move Irene to a school nearer to your home and where she will find it easier to fit in with her brother being there too." Translation ...was simply that they didn't want my sort at their school and the one nearer my home was an ordinary secondary school with the same "type" of children as me...ie those with no bathroom and no bedroom of their own.
So there I was...transferred to yet another school and once again the new girl...I never really fitted in at this school as all the kids had been there for a year already and their friendships were established with many of them being continuations from primary school and so I danced around on the outskirts of every group having the crumbs of everyone else's "best friends " Maybe its only girls who know this but having a "best friend" was the only thing needed in adolescence..everything else goes by the wayside.I never had my own best friend but seemed to share other peoples who for a season would be mine before filtering off to better buddies.I don't keep in touch with any of my secondary school friends as the roots of life didn't go deep enough and I had some very embarrassing emails from Friends Reunited before I gave up as so many of them said the "didn't remember me at all" How sad is that then.!!!
Despite this chequered school life I did well and left school at 16 with 6 good academic O levels (sadly I was not given the choice to stay on for Highers...the Scottish equivalent of A levels ) and thus began a whole new chapter for me in the realm of relationships.Being at work is a whole different ball game from school and socially I was able to make my own circle of friends..more of which next time .I am eternally grateful that God is in the business of teaching us about relationships... He is the author and perfecter of relationships...He is the initiator of relationships in that He gave His precious son Jesus so that I might enter into a loving relationship with Him as Abba father....I had much to learn and He so graciously taught me ...but there was still a long journey to take ...I hope you will continue to walk this with me.
Tuesday, 2 June 2009
Tuesday 2nd June...Moving on
Its been a while since I last blogged and I was asking myself why?..and I realised that the next "thorn " I want to tackle is about "friendships and relationships" and to be honest this is a really hard topic for me to open up as I have made so many mistakes and caused much hurt over the years as well as also being hurt. Subconsciously I think I was avoiding the issue big time and letting the busyness of life be my excuse.
Having had two extremely busy weekends at my parents -in -laws 60th wedding celebration and then at Cherish women's conference I found myself with no excuse and had decided to move on.....only to spend hours weeping in the early hours of this morning over "stuff". I will be very honest and say that I haven't cried tears like that for many a long year ...my poor hubby didn't know whether to hug me...pray for me...get me tissues or what.!!!...and in my continuing quest to be honest and open in this blog ....I also found my thoughts turn to suicide ...albeit for only a few seconds but this shocked me (and Chris) as it has been a very long time since these thoughts invaded my mind.
Please don't panic ....I am not about to do anything...but I am reaching high in the vulnerability stakes here in the sure knowledge that "writing is my best chance of happiness"...I wonder how many of us have these fleeting thoughts but are too ashamed..embarrassed....to admit to ourselves that there are times when "stuff" just overwhelms us and the load gets too heavy to carry alone. The enemy would keep us locked into our silences and dress us up with the "I am fine" response when friends ask .I believe fully that verbalising (or blogging) such thoughts takes away the power of them...its the secrecy and the shame that gives such thoughts the ability to damage and even as I have spent a few minutes telling you this I know they have lost their hold over me. Revelations ch 12 v 11 says this "they overcame him.(the enemy) by the blood of the lamb and by the word of their testimony"
Being able to share such things with you..... isn't this the very essence of friendship...the very infra-structure of relationships is that "we carry one anothers burdens"...there are some great scriptures .
A friend loves at all times
There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Greater love has no man than he lays down his life for his friend.
And there are so many of these emails that go round that have all sorts of "twee" friendship mottos and words..(NB ...I very rarely open or pass these on....sorry.)...but in reality friendships can be a source of great joy...great fun....but can also bring pain and hurt altho I would hope as adults that we never set out to cause pain and hurt but as we are all broken human beings it is only to be expected that we sometimes will hurt and be hurt.
One of life's mottos I have come to understand is the one that says.
Some friends we have for a reason
Some friends we have for a season
Some friends we have for life
and as I blog my way through this subject I am hoping to unpack this in my life. I want to say quite clearly at the outset that any examples or stories I may use will be based on many different people...so don't go looking for yourself.!!!...If I have a specific person in mind I will name them by initials but please don't pick up on anything and wonder if its you...I will be going back decades and I haven't known you all for that long ...Hee Hee
While away at Cherish one of the speakers "got up my nose"...and I found myself wondering why...and began to realise there was still "stuff" floating about within my spirit and yet another layer of self realisation was surfacing. This was in some way confirmed by several comments that were made that set me thinking and praying and asking God for revelation. A very wise man who I love and respect much used to say.."when comments are made...even in jest..ask God if there is a nugget of truth there that He wants you to deal with" and so I think this was one of the main reasons why the tears came with such force...the "nuggets" did contain some truth and I didn't like it...one little bit.!!..but we all know so well that it is "truth that sets us free" and as I blog my way through this subject I know that I will gain a greater level of freedom.
Please continue to walk with me and share your own feelings and thoughts ......
Having had two extremely busy weekends at my parents -in -laws 60th wedding celebration and then at Cherish women's conference I found myself with no excuse and had decided to move on.....only to spend hours weeping in the early hours of this morning over "stuff". I will be very honest and say that I haven't cried tears like that for many a long year ...my poor hubby didn't know whether to hug me...pray for me...get me tissues or what.!!!...and in my continuing quest to be honest and open in this blog ....I also found my thoughts turn to suicide ...albeit for only a few seconds but this shocked me (and Chris) as it has been a very long time since these thoughts invaded my mind.
Please don't panic ....I am not about to do anything...but I am reaching high in the vulnerability stakes here in the sure knowledge that "writing is my best chance of happiness"...I wonder how many of us have these fleeting thoughts but are too ashamed..embarrassed....to admit to ourselves that there are times when "stuff" just overwhelms us and the load gets too heavy to carry alone. The enemy would keep us locked into our silences and dress us up with the "I am fine" response when friends ask .I believe fully that verbalising (or blogging) such thoughts takes away the power of them...its the secrecy and the shame that gives such thoughts the ability to damage and even as I have spent a few minutes telling you this I know they have lost their hold over me. Revelations ch 12 v 11 says this "they overcame him.(the enemy) by the blood of the lamb and by the word of their testimony"
Being able to share such things with you..... isn't this the very essence of friendship...the very infra-structure of relationships is that "we carry one anothers burdens"...there are some great scriptures .
A friend loves at all times
There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Greater love has no man than he lays down his life for his friend.
And there are so many of these emails that go round that have all sorts of "twee" friendship mottos and words..(NB ...I very rarely open or pass these on....sorry.)...but in reality friendships can be a source of great joy...great fun....but can also bring pain and hurt altho I would hope as adults that we never set out to cause pain and hurt but as we are all broken human beings it is only to be expected that we sometimes will hurt and be hurt.
One of life's mottos I have come to understand is the one that says.
Some friends we have for a reason
Some friends we have for a season
Some friends we have for life
and as I blog my way through this subject I am hoping to unpack this in my life. I want to say quite clearly at the outset that any examples or stories I may use will be based on many different people...so don't go looking for yourself.!!!...If I have a specific person in mind I will name them by initials but please don't pick up on anything and wonder if its you...I will be going back decades and I haven't known you all for that long ...Hee Hee
While away at Cherish one of the speakers "got up my nose"...and I found myself wondering why...and began to realise there was still "stuff" floating about within my spirit and yet another layer of self realisation was surfacing. This was in some way confirmed by several comments that were made that set me thinking and praying and asking God for revelation. A very wise man who I love and respect much used to say.."when comments are made...even in jest..ask God if there is a nugget of truth there that He wants you to deal with" and so I think this was one of the main reasons why the tears came with such force...the "nuggets" did contain some truth and I didn't like it...one little bit.!!..but we all know so well that it is "truth that sets us free" and as I blog my way through this subject I know that I will gain a greater level of freedom.
Please continue to walk with me and share your own feelings and thoughts ......
Monday, 11 May 2009
Monday 11th May.. Last Look
I wanted to leave you all with a photograph of my brother Robert...but had to wait till Chris got home from Milan...I am sooooooo not a techie.!!!
Anyway...I hope this last glimpse of Robert will leave you with joy in your spirit.It was taken professionally by the drama club as part of their publicity for a play called The Gazebo...in which Robert had a good part. This picture was displayed in the foyer of the theatre in Edinburgh and was also used in the newspaper as his obituary photo as it was the most recent and decent we had of him.
Robert was far more than this photo and far more than my blog entries...he was amazing and I loved him.....and miss him still.
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