The Shadow of Victory

BLEURGH

2012-01-16T19:54:00.002Z

Do you ever have days when you just go...Bleurgh..!!! This day was one of those...I woke early as working..got up..showered and breakfasted and then it all just caved in.

I spent half hour texting and making arrangements and then just thought ..Bleurgh...I then spent 10 mins cancelling the arrangements and spent the morning just going...Bleurgh...

The afternoon brightened slightly as I went out and was amongst other people but very soon ..I was telling them I was having one of those ..Bleurgh days..!!

It didnt get much better but at least I was with friends who I could be ..Bleurgh with.

Days like this confuse me...when there is no reason for the Bleurgh I then reflect on it and try and seek out the why ..or the how...and as of now I still have no real reason for Bleurgh.

I am going to have an early night with my book and see if a rest and a good nights sleep will chase away the Bleurgh.

One Year On......

2012-01-04T20:57:00.005Z

On 4th January 2011 I made a life changing decision....I made the decision to have a Gastric Bypass and began the process of research and costing. The NHS would not help me as I was actually quite "healthy" and had none of the Co-morbidity's such as diabetes or high blood pressure so the only route open to me was to go privately. We had been debt free for over a year and God has been so good to us in the whole realm of finances so we were in the situation where we had funds available to us and both Chris and I felt that the huge cost would be an investment that could make a huge difference to my quality of life and certainly would increase my life expectancy.

I weighed myself on 4th January 2011 and the scales touched 20 stone 9lbs and I was wearing clothes that were size 24/26...my BMI was 52 and I was in the "super morbidly obese category " this was the heaviest I have ever been and I was so depressed....I think I cried for days ! I contacted via the Internet a surgeon and was quickly given an appointment later in January and began the process of appointments that resulted in my surgery being booked for a few weeks later.

For someone like me this in itself was a huge undertaking...I have a real phobia with needles and any kind of medical procedure..I need to lie down when blood samples are required and for things like smear tests I need to take diazepam.!!! I really really really don't do hospitals. The surgeon and staff were excellent and altho I wept a lot at the various appointments I finally went to theatre early on the morning of the 26th Feb. . The stay in hospital was 4 days and a lovely mix of morphine and sleep as well as constant walking up and down the corridor ...dragging my drips / catheter and various attachments with me..

Gastric Bypass surgery is not for the faint hearted and altho it is a keyhole surgery it is still major intervention...my stomach is cut so I have only a small pouch..think goose egg size ...and the rest is stapled off and left in situ....this small pouch is then re-connected to the small intestine..bypassing a few feet of this so that not only can I only eat very small portions but the absorption rate is also slowed down due to minimal intestinal area. It is also non -reversible and is for life. The next few weeks were a gigantic learning curve ...liquids only for 4 weeks...pureed food for next 4 weeks...mashed food for the 4 weeks after that then introducing ordinary food one food group at a time. There are some foods which I cant tolerate and result in illness....nausea or sitting on the loo...so it has been a few months of trial and error. This last 3 months life has begun to revert back to some semblance of normality as I pretty much know what I can and cannot eat and I very definitely know the actual portion size I can cope with....(think very small )

So....one year on what changes have occurred and was it worth it???

Well....I weighed myself this morning and the scales touched on 12 stones 8 lbs...so I have lost just over 8 stones...and my clothes size is approx 14/16 depending on where I buy and what style ....my BMI is 29 and altho I am still in the obese range I am not morbid or super anything.!! I have lost the predicted 70% weight reduction and whilst I was losing a stone per month I have slowed down as expected to approx 5lbs per month and probably will settle round about the 11 stone mark which should give me a BMI in the healthy range and weight classification as normal .

It has been an interesting process for me discovering aspects of myself which have encouraged me but also which I know I still have to work on. It is very true that weight doesn't really affect who we are deep down ...altho it does affect greatly how we function. I am still the same person with the same failings...the same character flaws ....but because I am not labouring under so much unhealthy - ness I am more able to deal with the day to day stuff that comes my way. I have more energy...more joy...more hope...more peace....more determination...more confidence....

So....what are the huge plus points .... the compliments are lovely....altho I do smile when the odd person says..."don't you go wasting away now."....I love shopping for clothes and being cross because the garment I like doesn't come in smaller sizes...what a hoot that is ! I still sometimes change my outfit several times before I go out...but now its because I have a great choice rather than hating how I look. I don't mind getting my photos taken....I can get down on my knees and play with Elisha...I can walk further and quicker than before. I don't have mysterious aches and pains....loads more but wont bore you.

The biggest negative is one which I realised only in this last month...and it surely is a spiritual battle which I may be destined to fight for quite some time. It reminds me of Paul when he wrote about the "thorn in the flesh " that he prayed for God to remove it from him....I have written in past blog entries about "thorns" and about some areas where I am still living in "the shadow of victory" and this particular thorn is still with me ... The desire to eat wrong food....I have never eaten huge amounts of what I call ordinary food..eg..potato..meat..bread etc...my overeating has always been sweet things...chocolate and ice cream and biscuits etc I have been shocked that I still want to eat these even when I know I cant and shouldnt and it could make me ill....Over the festive season I have nibbled away at things like shortbread...chocolate yule log etc and paid the price the following day. The emotions behind the sweet addiction are still there...surgery only dealt with the physical aspect of my over eating not the emotional reasons and I am setting my face towards God in 2012 in the hope that He will enable me to win through.

As friends have asked me how I am losing weight I have been honest and told them...and I have had several conversations with women who have dieted for years...like me dieting is the thing they can do and do well...but maintaining a healthy weight is the difficult part.Several times these conversations have led to tears as they have shared how they are weary of the fight!! I am so aware this is a battle field for many of us and have such empathy for those who are still struggling. It has made me also think about how we as a society view obesity . I truly believe it is an "illness" and I am not using this as a cop out but for me it has never been a simple case of " lose weight"...there are many reasons behind why I was overweight and eating too much is way too simplistic. It is an addiction but unlike other addictions it is portrayed as being easy to overcome....with so many TV programmes dedicated to dieting..so many magazine articles...so many celebrities pushing their latest DVD , We also embrace obesity as part and parcel of life...it is acceptable to offer the overweight person a piece of cake or buy them chocolates...yet we wouldn't dream of offering heroin to a drug addict or a large whisky to an alcoholic. I have no idea how I can change the way we view obesity.....or how I can be of help to others...maybe this is yet another dimension to my life that God has chosen for me to think and pray about.

LET NO DEBT REMAIN OUTSTANDING

2011-12-17T17:23:00.003Z

Two years ago this month Chris and I were able to pay off our IVA early through the amazing gift of 10,000 being made available to us. After decades of struggling with debt and 39months in the IVA we were girding our loins for the last 2 years and praying it would go quickly. What worried us more than anything was the Redundancy that had been hanging over Chris head for months. We knew if this happened that our IVA would fail and we would have to go bankrupt and we were pretty sure we would lose our home too so it wasn't a great year for us.

When we knew we could pay off the debts early and not have to repay the gift we couldn't believe that God would bless us in this way....we spent most of December 2009 in a daze and until we got the actual certificate of completion in late January we kept thinking something would go wrong. So....for almost 2 years we have been debt free...!! All we have at the moment is 5 more years on our mortgage and when that's done and dusted we will owe no money anywhere.....

In last 2 years we have seen amazing blessing in every aspect of our lives....Yes.. Chris did get made redundant and even after 32 years with the same firm he didn't get a great package...this was because the jolly company went into administration so instead of a lovely big lump sum he was allocated the government maximum of 10,000...and now almost 20 months later we still havent had all of it as the CEO is a pain in the bum ...to put it politely...we have spent almost 1,500 in solicitors fees trying to get it but so far we have only had 6,000....in fact....we have kinda given up on the remaining few quid as the effort and emotional toll isn't worth it...if it ever appears we will be thanking God as it will surely be a major miracle if it does come our way,.LOL

Chris has taken early retirement and is now enjoying a good pension..(so at least his 32 years with the company did some good ) and is working as IT manager for the church 2 days a week. I am continuing to be Matt's PA and after 7 years I still cant believe I get paid for such a great job...Matt is so much a part of our lives and family that it seems weird to get paid. I also childmind a wee boy 2 days per week and have Elisha 3 days a week so Chris and get to share our days with such great kids and get paid for it....God is good.

As we have been able to over last 2 years we have shared our blessing with our family and friends in several different ways as we have been able and been prompted but more than that I have to say that being debt free is also a state of mind. For so long we always felt slightly guilty and ashamed that we hadn't been able to manage our money better and here we are years later with the ability to have money and not spend it!! This is fun...honest...to walk around a shop and come out with nothing is almost as much fun as a spending spree. To send a cheque to our son for no reason other than to bless him and his partner ranks fairly high on the joy scale....to buy Elisha a toy...or help Cat and Nick to decorate a room....to let our live in son off with rent for a month as he is off on hols...all these things are not just monetary blessings...but way more than that...it gives us joy.

Recently I experienced God speaking to me about these words from Romans Ch 13 verse 8

"Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another ...for he who loves his fellow man has fulfilled the law."

I have been very aware this last few months of the "call" to love one another and at times have been stretched in my capacity to keep on loving people at times. I have also been looking at ways I can love people more than the norm...As this year draws to a close I have resolved to ensure I have no debt outstanding...not in the financial realm but in my relationships with others....I have been thinking through the petty disagreements I have had with Chris...and asking God to help me rise above it all and not carry any grudges over into 2012....I have been looking at friendships and working my way through any wrong and selfish thoughts I may have had and asking God to take charge and help me to love others....I am determined that as I celebrate the birth of Jesus and spend time with my family and friends that no debts will remain outstanding in our love for one another...Keeping "short accounts"is going to be my prayer for 2012 and ensuring I have asked for forgiveness if I know I have been hurtful in any way.

I know that some who may read this may have financial debts...may have emotional debts...may have stresses that I may have no understanding off... Being a Christian doesnt mean we dont have major trauma in our lives.... in recent months my closest friend has had a diagnosis of terminal cancer....and I heard this week that a precious young couple lost their first born child.....all these things are difficult to cope with and my prayer for us all is that 2012 will begin with an outpouring of Gods love into your life and that you know His perfect love in every sense. May you know the peace of God that passes all understanding .

For a look at a couple of others experiences have a read of a couple of friends blogs...listed on my page....Home Made Sal and her entry entitled...Extravangance and Ruthies Blog....The Reality of Debt...Two excellent viewpoints...

PEACE......

2011-12-14T21:48:00.002Z

On Wednesdays I meet with a wee group of friends...we originally began over a year ago studying the Morph bible study....we so enjoyed and benefited from the study..but more than that we enjoyed and benefited from the friendship.. We are all different ages and all different life situations with 15 children between us..(I think ).Its been special to share myself with friends who care about me and I hope I have shown my love and concern for them too.

This year we have decided to read and study a book by Steven Furtick called ...Sun Stand Still...and its been quite different from the more structured study that we did with Morph but has nonetheless challenged us in our faith and our walk with God. Today we met for last time before Christmas and had lunch and chatted about what we were doing over the Festive season. Sandra gave us all a present and this is what prompted me to write this blog entry. It was a very simple gift of a candle . Each if us had a different word written on the candle and my word was ...PEACE.... Sandra had wrapped each the gifts in shiny red paper and tied a red ribbon round that was all curly and pretty and then attached a home made tag with my name written in gold letters. On the bottom Sandra attached a verse of scripture from Isaiah Ch 9 v 6

FOR UNTO US A CHILD IS BORN AND TO US A SON IS GIVEN....AND THE GOVERNMENT WILL BE ON HIS SHOULDER AND HE WILL BE CALLED WONDERFUL COUNSELLOR...MIGHTY GOD..EVERLASTING FATHER ..PRINCE OF PEACE.

A simple gift but chosen and wrapped with Sandra's flare for creativity somehow or other did something in my spirit. When I got home Chris and I ...with the help of Matt and Elisha put up our tree and all the decorations and played Christmas songs and generally had a great time...we then put out the lights and lit the candles and just soaked in the atmosphere of Christmas. I lit Sandra's candle and I had already popped the scripture card beside it and I just felt this amazing warmth surround me as we gazed at our tree and and sat together.

Those of you who know me will perhaps remember that my name actually means PEACE and that I have always been a "peacemaker " Between my children and family and friends I have always sought to bring peace and harmony and I so dislike any tension or conflict so seek at all times to ensure that we all care for and love one another as best as we are able . This last three months I have been involved with several areas of conflict that have caused me some pain and anxiety and I have been praying and asking God to bring me to a place of PEACE....this afternoon I felt God answer that prayer in a very real way...The candle...the gift....the tree...the carols...Elisha and Matt and Chris...all just merged together for a short span of time in the candlelight and God touched my heart with His PEACE....I am grateful beyond words for this gift...Sandra may not have realised as she chose the gift...or wrapped it...or wrote out the words of scripture ..or attached the tag..that it was just what I needed and that it was so much more than "just a Christmas present"...God gives us so much more than "just a Christmas present " There are times when He steps in and makes His presence known in a very tangible way .

My hope and prayer for anyone who reads this is that you will also experience the PEACE of God this Christmas time for yourself...your circumstances...your family..and your friends .

In Honour of Mr Ben Davies

2011-12-12T08:53:00.002Z

Yesterday I sat through the 7pm meeting at church mesmerised by Ben Davies as he preached through the Christmas Carol..Hark the Herald Angels Sing. Those of us who know Ben will remember this is his all time favourite Carol but as far as I can think back its the first actual "preach" he has made on it. It truly was amazing and if you didn't get to one of the three meetings yesterday then aim for the website and listen on the podcast.

I have been a part of this church for 27 years and Ben led it for decades before handing over the helm to our very own Simon and Catrina Benham and it was through Ben's teaching that both Chris and I became Christians all those years ago. We are so privileged in the church to have Simon and the other leaders who preach to us week in and week out but I confess to still hankering after Ben's preaching. There is something about his character that oozes his passion for Christ....his desire for all of us to know Jesus as our own personal saviour and to be right with God that still stirs me and shakes me to the core every time I listen to him.

With regards to this particular preach on this Carol....I loved Ben's explanations of each of the verses...the history of the actual writing of the Carol... (I didn't know that Wesley had written over 8,000 Hymns )...I waited almost breathlessly to see how he would bring in the Gospel message and he didn't disappoint.!!..The line "God and sinners reconciled " prompted the good news that through Christ... God has reconciled each of us to Him.!! I urge each of you reading this to listen to the podcast as it will also bring the Christmas message alive again .

Ben's style of preaching is sometimes referred to as "hell and fire and damnation"..(not by me...) but in reality it is TRUTH that he speaks and brings the reality of the Gospel straight into our spirits. No pussy footing around for Ben...he doesn't dress it up in pretty words ...he plainly refers to sin and salvation and repentance and reconciliation with no apology.!!.. There have been times over the decades when even though I have taken the steps and become a Christian that I almost want to do it all again as I listen to him speak!!

Ben has charisma....of that there is no doubt...but that seems almost an empty description....you have to see...or hear him to fully understand what I mean. He is physically a small man...I seem to think I may even be taller than him but as he speaks he seems to grow taller....as he walks from side to side...as he moves his head and his arms and makes point after point stand out it can be strangely fearsome. I don't mean that in a scary way and he certainly doesn't frighten people into the Kingdom...it is more that he is standing on the side of righteousness and is ensuring the powers of darkness that God has won the battle.

Ben often refers to himself as he speaks and is honest about his failings and his sin and this in itself helps me to move towards God as I can easily then admit that I too am a bit of mess at times. Over the years Ben has helped us in so many ways...I am not a personal friend of his but through his preaching and teaching both Chris and I have weathered some tough times. Ben's teaching about money has enabled us to finally break the hopelessness of personal debt...his teaching about being a family and parenting has definitely helped us in this respect....his teaching on personal sin and repentance has shown us areas in our lives where we need to get right ..not just with God but with others too.

Finally I write this entry simply to honour Ben.....he isn't perfect...he isn't sinless..I havent placed him on a pedestal and I certainly don't worship him....I simply want to honour a "man of God" . Looking back over my life there have been many people who have influenced me......some of them not great but I can say with absolute certainty that the influence Ben has had on my life has all been for the good. Ben pointed me to God...who through Jesus forgave my sin...showered me with mercy and grace and put my life back together again when at times it seemed as if it was broken forever. I am grateful beyond words for all that Ben has shared with us over the years and even at 72 is still sharing with us...if he was Scottish( argh I hear you cry...as he is as Welsh as they come )..I would say to him.." lang may yer lum reek "

My Grandads a Hero....

2011-12-08T19:28:00.002Z

Today I have a guest Blogger....for the first time ever and in his debut entry.....Elisha Kent is blogging !!!

Thanks Granny.....I wanted to take the time to tell everyone about my Grandad....lots of people know him as Chris....or Mr Mooney....or your husband....or my mummy's daddy....it all gets very confusing but to me its very simple and easy....

He is MY Grandad....Grandad Mooney....he took over this title on the day I was born ...his daddy was always Grandad Mooney but of course he is now Great Grandad Mooney..so may different ways to describe all this but to me its very simple...

He is My Grandad....Grandad Mooney.... and he is my hero....I know lots of kids have fabby Grandparents but I think my Grandad is amazing ..let me tell you why.

He is really funny...he can make his eyebrows go weird...sort of up and down and wiggly waggly all over the place....
He lets me play with the hairy bits round his nipple.....
He lifts me way up high to the sky.....
He makes the fan turn round so I can touch it....
He lights the candles and helps me to blow it making silly noises....
He claps his hands like a nutter when I do something ordinary like smiling..
He never gets cross with me even when Granny has had enough...
He doesn't shout loud or groan when I am naughty....
He gives me my dummy whenever I want it.....
He offers me choices of food and lets me point at what I want....
He sits me on his knee and talks words that I have no idea what they mean....
He babysits for me whenever he is asked.....
He looks after me overnight ......
He gets up to me in the morning when Granny is still asleep...
He makes a mean Ready Brek and toast....
He splashes me in the bath and blows bubbles.....
He puts me on my new trike and walks all the way up to Sainsbury and back....
He tickles me under the arms and makes me giggle...
He makes a roast dinner and lets me chew on his Yorkshires and throw peas on the floor....
He loves my Granny.....
He sings to me when no-one is around....
He loves Jesus....
He sometimes does a burpy noise out of his mouth and his bottom too....
He gets to be with me a lot cos he doesn't work very much....
He is forever sneaking up on me and saying..peek boo....
He loves my mummy a lot...
He changes the stinkiest of nappies and isn't sick....
He is endlessly patient with me when I am grouchy....
He says he is besotted with me but I don't really know what that means unless it is all of the above....
He has the best laugh ever and tells jokes that are just plain awful....
He takes my picture all the time...
He crawls around the soft play places and takes me out all by himself....
He loves me very much....
He thanks God for me all the time....
He never gets tired of playing with me.....

My Grandad is a hero...I love my Grandad.....

ON BEING A GRANNY

2011-11-20T20:20:00.004Z

Well....it is now one whole year since Elisha came into our world...he celebrated his birthday on Wednesday with his Godparents and friends then again on Saturday with both sets of families together. We raised a wee glass of champagne and toasted the wee boy!!

So...what has life been like this last year ....I know I possibly bore you all with my Elisha stuff but I cant seem to help it...he is such a blessing and that can sound a bit of a twee thing to say ....but one of the dictionary definitions of the word"blessing" is gift from God and Eli truly is a gift.

All the time that Nick and Cat were undergoing tests and then the time spent in treatment we didn't know what would be happening but we held on tight to God and believed for a miracle and when we heard that they were expecting it was a time of real gratefulness and knowing Gods favour.

The day Elisha was born was just amazing....the feeling of entering the ward for our first visit and seeing Nick holding this bundle in his arms was one of the memories I hold very close to my heart. I went straight to Cat and hugged her ....then I couldn't keep my eyes of this wee bundle....Nick...just said ..would you like to hold him...I was like...oh yes !!

When I held him in my arms I unfolded the towel/blanket and just gazed at this child as if I had never seen a babe before. I held my breath and my heart stopped beating ...at least I am sure it did as it felt as if time had stopped and all eternity was just waiting for me to breathe again. To be truthful I still feel like that...there are times when I catch myself looking at him....or laughing at him..or interacting with him..or just watching him with his mummy and daddy and I just hold it in my heart ...just catch and freeze that moment ....and I silently whisper my thanks to the God who gives life...

Many years ago when Cat and Nick first got together and became boyfriend and girlfriend it was a real pleasure watching life unfold for them as they discovered their love for each other...then when we walked through the pain of their infertility with them I felt bereft as I couldn't do anything other than love and support them and pray for them.....Then to see them experience the joy of knowing that God had created a new life ..this was just the very best thing anyone could have given them.

In this last year I have seen both Cat and Nick become "parents" and that is just the weirdest of things...watching your own children become a mummy and a daddy . Chris and I have been so privileged to be able to see them grow into parenthood knowing God as a God who loves and cares for them and has given them a miracle. I don't think a week goes by but they don't refer to Eli as their miracle child and in doing so they reflect glory back to God.

As for me.... Grannyhood is just the best thing ever....I am proud as punch to be called Granny Mooney....One person said to me a few weeks ago ...that I was "born for such a time as this" and I just know that this is true. Both Chris and I are so pleased that not only do we live in very close proximity with Cat and Nick but also that they so openly share him with us . From a very early age they let us have him to sleep over and left him with us as they recovered from sleepless nights or illness or just needing time to themselves . I know many grandparents who don't live close by to their grandchildren or for whatever reason don't see them often so we don't take it for granted and are thankful that God planted us here to be close to our family.

Each time I see the "wee boy" ( as we call him ) the depth of feeling just grows and I keep thinking ..surely the bubble will burst and we will have a dose of reality but so far....the novelty hasn't even begun to wear off...each time the doorbell rings and he is there my heart is full....every time he sleeps over and we bring him into our bed in the morning we smile...every time he chuckles and giggles or is tired and cross we just look at him and love him.

Being a granny is totally different from being a mummy....and its not really because we "get all the good bits and can give them back at night"....For me its way more than enjoying the good bits....its watching your daughter and husband become different and growing into being parents...I get so much pleasure watching Cat interact with Elisha and watching Nick give him a bath or playing with him....there is nothing better than watching Nick come home from work and seeing Elishas face light up cos daddys home . This is what being a granny is about ...this is the deeper meaning to being a granny....its way more than being on hand to babysit...or give advice its standing in the wings and seeing another "family" being formed...seeing them do things as a threesome...seeing them make decisions that are external to us and based on Elisha. This is the extra blessing we have as grandparents that I didn't expect and as such feel as if God has given me a double portion and as such I am grateful to God .It has been extra special this week as we celebrated all together for Elishas first birthday... I have felt close to God as I have been daily thanking Him for this precious gift and I am thankful to both Cat and Nick that they are so open and generous in allowing us to share Elisha with them .

FACEBOOK AND MEMORY LANE

2011-11-07T19:04:00.008Z

This last Sunday Simon our pastor preached on Social Media and how we can use or abuse it.....really excellent message so check it out on website. One of the points he made was that Facebook was great for keeping in touch with friends who live all over the nation and world. For me...this has been the very best thing...I have friends and family in places like Canada...Amsterdam.... as well as dotted all over UK. Its been fantastic to share life with them and especially photos and news of family events.

Recently I had a friend request from someone whose name I didn't recognise so I
"ignored "it...the request came back a few days later with a note attached giving her maiden name ....Janie Maclachlan.....well....that was a blast from the past...I clicked "confirm" and away we went....30 years of our lives to catch up on and she had also read my blog posts so we talked about that too.

We exchanged messages and news and caught up on what we think is 30 years since we last saw one another and then last weekend I flew to Scotland for my sister in laws 60th birthday party and arranged to meet up with Janie....

Oh my.....what can I say....it was just the most amazing time....we met for lunch and spent over 2 hours catching up and learning some things we never would have expected to know.....we talked about our children and grandchildren and our hubbys and our jobs and our own parents all now deceased....we were surprised to know that I yearned for her parents to be mine as they were still together and she yearned for my dad to be hers because he was so lenient....I longed for her bedroom as she had a room to herself and was an only child...and she longed for my siblings and crowded one bedroom ...enjoying the times we shared a single bed in same room with my dad and 2 brothers.!!!YES...this was our lives...no bathrooms...just a loo....sinks in the windows of the one bedded flats we both lived in...us on a top floor...them on the second floor of old tenements. Our weekly trips to the "public baths" for our once a week bath..oh that was bliss as we had all the hot water we wanted...the rest of the week we had a "strip wash".....for some of you reading this you may think we were really poor people but we were just the average kind of family who lived in that part of Edinburgh.

We talked about all our escapades....we were champion shoplifters....we stayed out all night....we sneaked out of our homes when parents were asleep...we had huge crushes on guys way too old for us...we sneaked "fags" from our parents packets...we went to pubs and clubs way too young...we mixed with folk who nowadays would be criminals but in those days we were just larking about street corners!!..I have done all the repenting I needed to do a long time ago....

We laughed about who we fell in love with and who we ended up marrying...we took trips down memory lane about Revolva...the mobile disco that our guys worked for and how we were disco groupies.

It was with sadness we said bye bye....but I did say she would be more than welcome to the actual evening 60th party...and when she texted me later to say YES...it was so exciting as she would meet up with my brother who again she hadn't seen for decades. The party was amazing....I met up with my brother and sister in law...niece and nephew and some other friends I hadn't seen for some years...the disco played all the hits from my era...the 70s...so I boogied with Janie and anyone else who was on the dance floor...we jived...twisted...lip synced to Maggie May...I Cant get No Satisfaction....Sugar Sugar....Come on Eileen...I Will Walk Five Hundred Miles...Nutbush City Limits....and loads of others and generally had just the best time ever.

Facebook is tailor made for such a time as this....it reunites friends who for many different reasons lose touch ...it brings back memories that previously were forgotten....it allows all our mess ups and failures to be laughed about ....it shows us that we can be different ....it brings laughter into situations that could be so sad....it moves us to tears and tempts us to smile.....it promises us that the friends and family we have are only a few key strokes away......and it means we can share life with them no matter how many miles apart we are from each other.

I eventually headed back to the Bed and Breakfast I had booked ...(which overlooked the church where Chris and I got married)...somewhere round about 1am and crashed into bed...my feet were killing me and I slept like the dead. The following morning I was picked up by another great friend and we popped in on yet another friend before having lunch together and then heading back to the airport for my flight home...I reckon I was away something like 40 hours all told but think I have packed a whole lifetime into such a short space of time.

Finally....At the party I also met 2 old friends who I reckon I hadn't seen since I was 16,,,how cool was that....

So....

Janie ....you rock my friend
Sandra.....all those plans you shared...go for it girl
Anne...keep on dancing and keep on looking and believing
My Family....Love you all and look forward to the twins next year

SUN.....STAND STILL...

2011-08-10T21:56:00.002+01:00

At the recommendation from Ruth I am reading this book....

Sun...Stand Still by Steven Furtick

I have it on my Kindle and have been reading it whilst at the gym....doing my mile on treadmill...2 miles on the bike is boring but since discovering my Kindle fits the handy ledge on the controls it has been so much more bearable. I tell myself I am getting fitter physically and also spiritually too.!!

Usually I swim after my 40 mins in gym and it gives me time to ponder the chapter or two I have read so its been a great way to get this book into my system and it really has caught me ...more so than any other Christian book in a long time.

The main theme of the book is all about FAITH....and he uses the phrase...AUDACIOUS FAITH....and it is extremely challenging in may ways . The chapter I read this morning at the gym has been echo-ing around my mind all day and perhaps writing about it will help me to process it more.

Just to give you a brief explanation ...it is based on Joshua Chapter 10..when God causes the sun to stand still and delay going down.....Joshua prayed and God answered. Its a bit of a simplistic explanation but if you read the context you will know what kind of audacious prayer this was....and how God answered with a miracle.

In Chapter 13 of the book Steven writes about "When the sun goes down"....what do we do when the sun doesn't stand still for us

and talks about what happens when we pray ...in faith...but God doesn't give us a miracle. This chapter should be compulsory reading for us all...how to keep on...press on..keep believing...keep praying...keep hoping...keep having faith...even when the sun goes down on our prayer.!!

But what caught me even more in this chapter is ..he talks about the 40 years Joshua spent in the wilderness along with the rest of that generation...yes he had the privilege of leading the charge into the promised land but he still had to endure the wilderness...not his fault...nor was it his lack of faith....so Joshua didn't get to inherit the promise for a very long...long ...long time. Steven uses the phrase...

"Joshua spent a large part of his life living in the shadow of a setback "

He then asks the reader ....

"Maybe you are living in a similar shadow ....maybe you thought you would be closer to completing your life's goals by now...maybe you have done your part ...but something snuck up from behind and knocked you cold.....these seasons of setback can be fatal to your faith...its easy to lose your faith when the sun goes down and you can easily slip into a deep spiritual sleep in an attempt to escape the pain !

I think the words...living in the shadows....is what leaped out at me and has been resonating with me all day...the title of my blog is .."The Shadow of Victory" and has been all about living the life of faith whilst still not knowing complete freedom and healing and in a recent blog I shared that in one or two areas I have believed that I have begun to step out of the shadow and search for the sun. I know for sure that debt is a thing of the past and know that God certainly made the sun stand still for us when we were able to pay off our IVA...the sun stood still yet again when Chris was made redundant and very soon after he was able to semi retire and work two days per week at the church...for him this was most definitely a sun stand still miracle....I saw another sun stand still moment on the day Elisha was born...after such a long hard journey Cat and Nick experienced their own
sun stand still moment and we get to share in this every day.!

Finally...I am still experiencing a sun stand still moment....or season...in my own life with regards to the Gastric Bypass I had earlier this year. Similar to Joshua who had 40 years of desert wanderings...I have also struggled in the whole area of weight for almost 40 years and I can assure you it has been a desert of immense proportions. It wasn't the easiest of decisions to have the surgery and it certainly isn't the easy way out...it has been a hard slog over the last few months to get to grips with the new way of eating and how it affects my life in every way but I am getting there...the sun most definitely stood still for me and after decades of living under the shadow I am slowly but surely stepping into the sunlight and feeling the warmth of the sunrise. It feels good...it feels right...it feels strong...it feels like a miracle.! My very own sun stand still miracle .

Going back to the title of the chapter..." When The Sun Goes Down"...for me I thought that the sun had gone down on these areas of my life...I thought we would always be in debt ...I thought I would always struggle with my weight...I thought that the shadow was as good as I was going to get...and in some ways I settled for it....yet still...every now and then I would cry out to God...help me....help me...help me...I used to take certain verses from the bible about "persevering" and "pressing on" and use them as reasons to keep going. I deeply identify with the words that Steven uses about a "deep spiritual depression that is used to escape the pain"... only those who have known the shame of crippling debt and those who have known suicidal thoughts that decades of struggling with my weight can truly know how much I believed that the "sun had already gone down " The older I got the more I thought that it was too late ...and yet here I am ...today knowing without any doubt ...that

God caused the Sun to Stand Still long enough for me to step out of the shadow...

Here I am again.....

2011-07-15T20:19:00.002+01:00

Hello....I wonder if anyone is still reading this,...I seem to have lost the art of blogging...actually my jolly laptop is a pain in the butt for typing and I have restricted access to the main computer in the study as it is now Chris domain. BUT...Here I am....

Life is moving on so swiftly this year I am not going to attempt to "catch up " so will just summarise as best I can. ...

1) Being a Granny is simply the best thing ever...cant believe how much fun the wee boy is...Chris and I are totally besotted with him and we feel so blessed to have almost daily hands on time with him....Cat and Nick are so generous with him. He is now 8 months old and Cat goes back to work soon *sigh* it has been so special having her and the wee boy around so much . I also get to childmind him too so will be in dual Granny /Childminder role from August.

2) I have just finished an 8 week study module called MORPH....it actually took us all 10 months to complete but in that time we all grew closer to God and to each other....I can thoroughly recommend anyone to have a MORPH group. We have so enjoyed our time together ..meeting weekly to share lunch and time together that we are going to pick up again in September.

3) I have begun to "serve" again in church and enjoyed a couple of stewarding roles in last few months and have also started to get re-involved with Sparklers...our parent and todds group which started a new session on Monday afternoons....I have enjoyed being a singer and a story teller and a craft maker .

I have realised that there are 2 main areas of my life which have

"come out from under the shadow of victory " The title of my blog is THE SHADOW OF VICTORY ... and way back in beginning I think I listed areas in which I was still struggling and wondering if I would ever be free...yet continuing to press on towards the finishing line....

Firstly....our finances....we have been debt free for almost 20 months now and it really is the most liberating experience ever....from decades of owing money and never thinking we would ever see the day...it has been the best 20 months ever. God has opened the "windows of heaven " and we have seen such blessing come our way...pressed down and spilling over into others lives too.

Secondly.... my life long struggle with my weight which has hindered me in so many ways has come to an end. In February I underwent Bariatric Surgery and had a Gastric Bypass. This was a long and involved journey which included counselling and numerous appointments to ensure I was healthy enough ( in every way ) to undergo the procedure. So far I have dropped approx 5 stone in weight and have about 3 more to go to get to a healthy BMI....It means that I have had to completely revisit my relationship with food and this has been a turning point in many aspects of my life...physical ..emotional and spiritual....more of this in another blog.

Writing is once more becoming a focus for me and I have begun to journal again and to ensure I read and write more I have designed a wee corner of our bedroom with a comfy basket chair and a cupboard to keep all my junk in ..to entice me to visit it more and to just be there ...Time spent with a journal and my bible is precious and much needed.

Unwritten Blog Entries

2011-02-24T22:58:00.010Z

Wow...cant believe its been so long since I last blogged...so much has happened that to attempt to catch up will take far too long but suffice to say I have had several entries brewing but for one reason or another I havent got them down .

Here is my attempt to catch up with myself .

In 2006 a series of sermons was preached by Simon which radically challenged me and helped me to move forward . The "catch phrase" was something along the lines of....

"Everyone is going somewhere but few will reach their destination on purpose"

This prompted me in the following 2 years to get a grip of my life in several different ways....I lost weight....I wrote and published a children's book....I got fit in both the physical and the spiritual sense and began to exercise long dormant spiritual gifts which manifested in leading a ministry . I truly believed I had begun to live "with purpose"

For several reasons the momentum got lost and by the end of 2010 I was at my lowest ebb ever....I had lost my way and there was certainly little "purpose" . For the last 2-3 months I have been searching for a way back and struggling to fund my purpose again. ....and I believe I am almost there with the strategies I am putting in place for this next season of life and there is a small bubble of excitement rising within my spirit as well as sheer terror.!!!

I wanted to write about several women who have helped me to face up to the
" drifting " which seemed to be taking me over and to express gratitude for the unasked for help they have unwittingly given me...its amazing how peoples lives and the way they lead it can help change lives ..perhaps even without their knowledge.

1)An old friend who over last year has re-surfaced in my life ....SF....I am constantly amazed at the way in which she lives her life....and altho some of the things she is doing..eg Scuba diving and Bell ringing...I have no urge to copy but just the sheer diversity of her life makes mine a living contrast in boredom. I am in awe of her.

2)A young woman RB....who is an "Audacious Dreamer"...she has a dream and a vision and is risking her self to move into what she knows God wants her to do....I see a little bit of myself from 25 years ago when I too had audacious dreams ...spiritual dreams of a church community where Deaf people were integrated ...Families with children who have special needs having a place to come and be welcomed ...Adults with Disability knowing that God cares for them......I had big dreams and stepped out in faith and pushed the boundaries of our thinking and this young woman is doing the same....I am in awe of her.

3)Another friend who has challenged me is ST...for the time I have known her ...and it must be around 25 years... she has lived with Bi-polar....She is one of the strongest people I know in that she lives determined to press on and the way in which she shares and is vulnerable and aims to educate people about mental health issues is truly a testimony to how God is using her even when she feels at her weakest....I am in awe of her.

4)The final woman who has influenced me so much in this "empty" season is my daughter CK...in the face of huge issues in her life she has walked and lived with endurance and faith and a knowledge that God has a plan and purpose for her life...as sure as she lives and breathes she was born to be who she is...and I am in awe of her.

I could continue to list other women who have influenced me but these are the ones who have brought a recent and fresh challenge in to my life....So....where am I going with this....I will blog soon about what I am hoping will be a life changing event happening in next few days.....but for the moment this is what I am hoping and praying for..... I have taken a little from each of these womens lives and am asking God to give me a little of what they have....

1)I am looking for fresh things to get involved with..both in church community but also in life generally...
2)I am beginning to dream again...not audaciously but just a gentle stirring..
3)I am going to continue to be open and vulnerable and expect God to use me even when I am weak
4)I am going to be strong...even when I have huge issues to face.

If you are continuing to read my blog....May you know Gods huge blessing upon your lives and experience a freshness in your spirit.

DEAR SANTA

2010-12-13T09:23:00.003Z

Its that time of year again and Christmas is fast approaching. In our family Christmas has always been a great time not just because we celebrate the birth of our Saviour but also because we all love to be together and to do fun stuff. As I have thought back over the many Christmas times we have shared I am again reminded of how blessed we are as a family...we have no feuds going on...no nasty relatives...no unresolved arguments....no unforgiveness....

Please don't think for one moment we are the golden family...far from it...we have a couple of rattly skeletons hanging around our past but have worked hard together as a family to keep going and pressing through so that the love and grace and peace of Jesus keeps us bonded together.

One thing we have always done each year at this time is Chris and I write a letter to Santa...we started to do this at the same time as each of the kids wrote theirs. It has carried on as a sort of family joke...I say stuff like....

"I believe in Santa...always have and always will...there has to be a Santa cos otherwise how do I get all the stuff on my list"

So...on 1st December I write my letter..sit it on a shelf in living room and it disappears(!) within hours and lo and behold ....pressies appear under the tree on Christmas morning. I know (!) that the kids still secretly believe that Santa exists as why would they be asking me if I have written my letter yet..!!! In fact there are times I wonder about my kids as they often tell me "the elves been busy."

Christmas traditions can make the very best memories and as a family we have somehow or other made a few that have outlasted childhood...

Always a real tree...chosen with care..not too fat not too thin...just right..
Always wait till 1st Dec before we talk or plan Christmas..
Always wait till 1st Dec to play Christmas music..
Always try and be together...may not actually be on the day as each child has grown and made their own families ...but somehow we still manage a day when we celebrate our time together...
Always try to go to church together if we are home for Christmas.
Always have crackers and wear the hats and tell the jokes
Always play the game "what colour is your hat "
Always stay up till after midnight on Christmas eve...and I get to open one pressie before I go to bed...
Always walk the dogs....
Always watch a new DVD together....or The Royle Family on TV.
Always have our pudding in the evening...never at the table..

So many other things we have done together...either every year or for a season depending on how old the children were. A couple of lasting memories and traditions we have passed on to our children ..it has been so lovely watching and taking part in their own versions ....

Disguising the pressie...if a really small pressie...wrap it up in huge box or multiple layers.
Hiding the pressie and have them hunt it out with clues.
Using scrabble letters to spell it out...I remember the year we booked Mike on to an Oak Hall Ski trip and used an M&M wee toy...the M&M man was on skis ...big clue...and we emptied the sweets and put in scrabble letter spelling out Oak Hall Ski Trip....took him ages to get it and when he did.....he burst into tears...and bear in mind he was 19 at the time.!

So...each year ..1st Dec my letter would be written.It rarely had any surprises.....usually a couple of books..a CD...some perfume ..smellies...writing paper...and yay for Santa my wee bundle under the tree would be..a couple of books ..a CD...some perfume and smellies and writing paper.!!

This year it is now the 13th Dec and I still have not written my letter to Santa..Chris has done his and the Elves have spirited it away and are no doubt busy busy busy....and I guess they are getting a bit frustrated that my letter has still not appeared. I woke this morning with the reason why I haven't written my letter so clear in my mind. I still believe (!) in Santa I still believe passionately in memories and traditions and still look forward with more excitement and joy this year in particular due to Elisha being with us but still...No Letter....and the reason seems to be..

This year I have absolutely nothing I want...or need
...I have everything.

My life is complete...I have a great husband and count myself among the women who are blessed by still loving and caring for the man in my life..I have three great kids who have husbands and partners that I love and care for...I have more than just a "roof over my head"...my home is warm and comfortable...I have a relationship with Jesus and know His love and grace each day....I am part of a Faith community where I can grow and know God better. I have the greatest job in the world where I get to care for other peoples children ...(and get paid for it)....I have some strong friendships where I know I can be myself. After years of financial stress and debt we now are in a position where we can know a bit of freedom and where Chris can relax after working solidly over his entire adult life....and last but not least..We have been given the gift of a grandchild.!!..You know when your heart is full and you think life cant be any better...and then God squashes it all down and pours out more blessing..well Elisha is that for us...

So...this year my letter to Santa will get written..I have promised the Elves to get it done today...it will have the usual requests of a book/ CD etc but along with that letter I may also write a letter of Praise and Thanksgiving to God..

He is the Giver of life...
He is the Sustainer of life...
He is our Provider..
He is our Healer..
He is our Saviour...
He is our Prince of Peace....

In the midst of all this I am mindful of those who may not have this peace...I know from the response I saw at church yesterday than many of my friends and community have pain in their lives at this moment in time...Christmas for some will not be a time of joy...of family....of good memories or traditions and as I close this entry I am praying for peace to reign in all our lives ...not just at Christmas but all through the coming year. May you and all your kith and kin know peace and joy this Christmas.

Isaiah Ch 8 Verse 6
For unto us a child is born ,to us a child is given, and the government will be upon his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counsellor ,Mighty God, Everlasting Father,Prince of Peace.

Review of 2010....so far....

2010-11-22T16:10:00.002Z

Its is Monday 22nd of November 2010 and its cold and grey outside and as I sit at my laptop looking out onto my leaf covered garden I have been taking a couple of hours to review this last year. It is almost time to begin to write the annual family newsletter to be included in our Christmas cards and with so much happening in 2010 its good to just have time to reflect...

This year began with Cat and Nick beginning a journey of hope...a journey of trusting God...a journey of faith and a journey that they had no real idea of where they would end up. It also began with the knowledge that finally Chris would be made redundant...after months and months of rumour and speculation we knew his days were numbered and this too would mean we would also embark on a journey...The year marked our first year for a very long time being Debt Free....with having paid our IVA in full at the end of last year we knew we would be setting off into a new beginning for us financially..( altho being made redundant didn't seem like a great start.!! )For me personally it brought a huge change in that I laid down everything I was involved with in church life....a lot had happened in the first few months that caused me to have a major wobble in many ways. The saddest part in all of that is that relationships were deeply affected and I know that I didn't handle that well. The after effects are still having some influence on my journey but I am walking by faith and trusting God for 2011.

Reflecting back on the year ...one main theme that has interspersed every part of our lives has been our family and friends...we have had more family gatherings...more time with our friends than ever before and for this we thank God that what could have been a long hard year has been made a lot easier by the support love and encouragement we have had . Our children and their partners and spouses have made such a great effort to celebrate our times together....whether walking the dogs...eating out at fabulous restaurants...hanging out with a dvd....ordering a pizza....mothers day...fathers day....Chris official last day at work.,..all have been so special. Our friends have made Sundays at The Manor a regular time to be together...cups of tea...trips to London in a limo...time spent wandering the shops and garden centers...laughing and crying and praying together all have been the fabric in which God has weaved his strength into our lives.

Bringing life up to date on this cold and grey day...Chris is now "retired" and will be living his dream....for decades he has dreamt of serving the church in a support role involving audio and IT support...many times we would wish we weren't in debt so he could give a day a week or similar to the church and now he/we are in a position to do this...God has opened up the door for this to begin in next month . He has also been doing painting and decorating for folk..so if you need some work done..CJ is the man who can !!!

The journey that Cat and Nick have been on came to its destination last week with the arrival of Elisha James Kent...and oh heavens what an answer to prayer he is. God has been faithful in every way and I am still awed by HIS goodness. Elisha is so beautiful and Cat and Nick are so enjoying every second of this precious wee boy. I am now officially a Granny and will answer to Granny Mooney. When we got the call to let us know he had arrived and all was well...I can only tell you my life changed in a micro second...I knew it would never be the same again. You read about "joy" and wonder if it is a real emotion or if it can be adequately described and I can tell you it must have been "joy" that filled me at that moment cos I haven't experienced anything close to this emotion and so far it is still filling my every waking moment.

In reviewing this year I am grateful for new friendships..people who I have known for many years but not necessarily as close friends seem to have moved into my life in a deeper way ... Being able to be vulnerable and honest brings its own rewards. I am part of a wee study group doing MORPH...and just hanging out regularly with this group having breakfast together and looking at what God is doing in our lives is all part of the years journey and I am looking forward to ongoing spiritual growth in 2011.

Finally....as all our family gathered at Cat and Nicks on Sunday to celebrate Elisha and to drink champagne and just be a multi generational family...Chris made a toast...and my heart was full....you see for decades Chris own dad has been the "Patriarch" of our family...Grandad Mooney(altho he is now to be known as Great Grandad Mooney ) is always the one who makes the speeches and toasts etc and it is always a tearjerker moment as he always says that FAMILY is the most precious of things and here we were now with Chris doing the honours as our very own Patriarch and it was just the most special of times as we all raised our glasses to Elisha and to Cat and Nick as we enter into a new realm of multi generational family times.

For all of the above and all that is to come may God be given praise and thanks .

20/70/10

2010-10-21T19:29:00.002+01:00

The title of this blog may be a little confusing for those who didn't attend the Willow Creek Leaders conference at church so I will aim to explain what it means.

Jack Welch who spoke at one of the sessions talks about a principle he employed called "Differentiation"...In his 40 years with GE he learned over time to employ this process. Its main points ....simplified ....are that in any organisation there will be

20% of the team who will be the top workers...the best..the leaders..
the go-getters...the pace setters..the vision implementers etc....then there is the

70% of people who will follow the leaders...bringing their own skills and giftings without whom much of the organisation wouldn't function well.....then there are the

10% of people who pretty much didn't do anything really apart from have a moan...cause problems...gossip and bad mouth etc.

Jacks experience is of the business world and not necessarily the church but there will be principles that can be identified which can be brought into play with any organisation ...He was talking to Bill Hybels who is a world class church leader and this part of the discussion Bill did say would be controversial in church settings.The thoughts behind this principle is to let the people know which percentage they fall into...so those who were the 20 percenters would be praised..encouraged and given all the resources and back up needed to keep them aiming high....the 70 percenters would also be encouraged to keep going..keep supporting...and initiatives set out to increase their skills with the possibilities of moving upwards...the 10 percenters would be encouraged to leave and go elsewhere....so you can see why this can be considered controversial.!!

I had pretty much decided I wasn't going to stay in for this session as it didn't really attract me at all but for some reason I did stay and was so glad I did. You know when you get the "light bulb" moments when listening to someone sharing their thoughts and beliefs....well... I had a major light bulb moment and heard God say to me

"Lean in....Lean in..I am about to open your heart to hear what I have to say through this man "

I pretty much had the revelation in an instant but have since read parts of Jack Welchs book..."Winning" and just felt God confirm much of what was said. For me it has set me free in many ways and some of the ways in which I have struggled this year have been clarified...

Let me see if I can explain...for much of my early Christian life I have been involved in leadership roles and worked in teams and within that I have always thought I was a 20 percenter. In this last season of leadership (2-3 years ) the church structure has changed a fair bit and whilst I thought I was a 20 percenter I always felt as if I didn't quite make it....it seemed as if I was always fighting to get further in...may not make sense I know to anyone reading this but at times I believed I was "inside" but then most of the time I still felt as if I was "outside"..I would have some access to some information or people ... invited to some meetings..involved in some planning etc...but excluded from others...this caused a lot of confusion on my part and I am sure I confused lots of the church staff as I jostled along trying to figure out where and what i was supposed to be. In the end I stopped trying and one thing led to another and I faded out...feeling lost..hurt...confused...and this last 6 months have been a little bit of a desert time for me trying to figure it all out and make sense of what had happened.

During the Jack Welch session...God said to me...

"you were never meant to be a 20 percenter...you were meant to be 70 percenter and that if I let Him...He would equip me to be an amazing 70 percenter...a great 70 percenter...."

I confess to having a weep at this point as so much fell into place in my spirit...I had been striving all along to be what God hadn't planned for me to be....I could let go this weird feeling of never feeling quite good enough and just be the best 70 percenter...being a fab 70 percenter is way more exciting and enticing and attractive to me than being a poor 20 percenter. I didn't feel as if I was being demoted or made to feel a failure ...God doesn't work like that and this was some kind of divine intervention rather than a human one and in truth I felt as if chains had fallen off my spirit. I said to several people immediately after the session that I felt as if I had had an Epiphany..!!

So...what does this mean for me personally...it means that I can use all that God has gifted me with ...to the very best of my abilities ...I can look at what I am good at and do it well...I can love people...encourage them....challenge them...I can carry on sending my notes and cards and being generous with my time and money and energy....I can volunteer to serve as and when I am able ...I can smile...I can care...I can show mercy..grace...I can speak truth...I can gather friends...gather women...share bible and fun times together..

I can follow...the 70 percenters are a crucial and vital part of the church...without a great group of 70 percenters the work of the 20 percenters would go nowhere.!! and therefor I am setting my sights on the 20 percenters and saying...

yep...I am following you...I am a good follower.!! I am a great 70 percenter.

Finally....one of the most controversial asects of this Differentiation Principle that Jack talks about is that he recommends that each group should be told who and what they are..eg...those who are 20 percenters should know this...and the 70 percenters should also know...he feels very strongly this is the route to follow. Whilst not presuming to say whether this would work outside of a commercial organisation I would say that personally....if I had known I wasn't a 20 percenter but was a valuable and much needed 70 percenter I am sure it would have saved me from a time of complete confusion which brought me extremely low and caused me to react in ways that I am sure caused hurt and pain to the people who I related to.

Facebook ...Its a funny old thing !!!

2010-09-11T23:06:00.003+01:00

FACEBOOK...its a funny old thing is FB...I avoided it for a long time simply because it was yet another techie thing I would have to master...having taken a good 3 years to catch up with texting and get to the stage where I wasn't scared of my mobile phone I kinda thought FB would be even more terrifying. Strangely enough it has been reasonably easy for me to get into it and certainly for last year or so I have become an almost daily Fbooker...

I still have no real understanding of it and can only manage rudimentary working...eg still have no idea of the "chat" or how to upload photos ..but I can post a status and leave comments and view the odd You tube . I have no interest in all the collective add ons..eg..Farmville and can actually block them from appearing on my Homepage...after asking on FB how to do this..!!

So...what does FB give me that attracts me to look at it almost daily...I have thought about this for a while now and have come up with the following Pros and Cons

PROs
*it has brought far away family and friends back into my life ...
*news and views and updates on how people are...
*fun times with crazy status and jokes....
*its a quick way to get a prayer request out to friends...
*the messaging facility is another way to make arrangements with folk...
*photos of family and friends allows me to "see" into their lives....
*keeps me from being bored....
*makes me think about what people write as their status...
*gives me the opportunity to answer a "need" in peoples lives...
*as I work from home it brings the "outside " inside ..if that makes sense...
*asking for info on something in particular..eg eye laser or Ebooks bringing loads of recommendations
*anyone know of a plumber..garage ..mechanic...
*can anyone help with a lift ...meal...babysit...
*reading about church stuff from everyones different perspectives....
*links to blogs....

and I could write more....BUT the Cons....... also open up a whole different set of thoughts that I hadnt bargained on and have given me some things to think about and to work through.

CONS..
*reading about other people's arrangements and gatherings can leave me dis-satisfied with my own social culture...eg...
*seeing pics of someones birthday gathering and wondering why I hadn't been invited...
*sometimes posting a status and no-one comments on it can leave me wondering if people care....
*commenting on someone elses status only to have it misunderstood....
*making a jokey status..which no-one gets......
*reading about everyones comings and goings and feeling as if my life is empty....
*feeling alone.....

I have taken a few breaks from FB over last few months to prove to myself I am NOT actually addicted and I can easily go off on hols and not give it much thought but in my day to day life it seems to play a part ....one of the small struggles I have to contend with is....

I read and "see" many different groups of friends interacting with each other and it seems as if everyone else has a busy and satisfying social sphere than I do..!!and me being a "nosey" type I often read a status about something that I know nothing about and find myself wondering why I dont have that knowledge....

Yep...FB is a funny old thing isnt it?? or is it just me....???

Feeling Tender and Tearful....

2010-09-02T17:05:00.002+01:00

Today at this moment I could weep...cant describe how I feel...but know that

"tender " and "tearful"...best describe it... I have been looking at some scriptures to encourage me and have also read Catrina Benhams latest blog about "lift up your eyes...He is the "giver of life " and am beginning to feel slightly better...there is nothing quite like the word of God to bring clarity..comfort and TLC !!

Its been a funny old few days....I had an email from someone who I hardly know suggesting I use a bit of discretion re my Fbook posts...saying that "many of my friends maybe struggling financially " and my posts about how God is blessing us may cause them difficulty. This caused me to have a think and to pray and when Chris and I talked about it we decided that there was no way we could be silent about how much God is blessing us and that praise should always be our lips when God moves in our lives.....Then today ....someone said something like..."well ....I hope you are saving some money " and this again caused me to stop and think....did they think we were being irresponsible??...when in fact we are saving a fair chunk of it and in fact paying off about a third of our mortgage...but somehow or other God is

"pressing it down and causing it to run over "

For decades Chris and I have struggled with debt...and hardly anyone spoke a word to us about it...we hid behind our guilt and shame and tried to get out of our mess so many times but anyone who has the slightest knowledge of debt would know that these chains are well and truly strangling....in every aspect of life. If in any doubt about this..ask any member of the CAP organisation...( Christians Against Poverty )...or come and talk to me...people are very quick to judge when finances are involved and most don't take the time to actually ask people what is going on.

Yes ...God is pouring blessing into our lives.. blessings in ways that we haven't looked for ...and in some ways feel we don't deserve...but after decades of being messed up and 39 months of hard slogging in our IVA when very penny we had was scrutinised by legal people and for most of that time we felt we couldn't be honest with our friends....this is our moment....we are absolutely convinced that God is saying..

"you have worked hard at this and the time to be blessed is NOW"

We are not being irresponsible....we haven't gone out and bought loads of expensive stuff..everything we have bought has been cash and prayed about and chosen carefully...sometimes agonising for weeks...and I was pondering this recently why I was being so indecisive in choosing a car and wallpaper etc and a friend reckoned that it was because for years I had bought with the good old "plastic" and never thought twice about cost but now it was actually "cash" that we were being wise and I realised this was so true...that God had taught us over the last three years to be careful and consider before spending. We have researched each item...from looking at loads of cars...finding out cost of road tax and emissions and carefully compared all the reviews etc to the new sofas we bought ex display for half price....to the choice of wallpaper was narrowed down to a Laura Ashley one at 22.00 per roll to Homebase for 9.00 per roll...and we could easily have afforded to buy the expensive one but chose to be wise and went with the "just as nice " cheaper option.

In all of this we have also been mindful of the scriptures that say

"give and it will be given to you"..
"you reap what you sow "...
"therefor as we have opportunity...let us do good to all people..especially those who belong to the family of believers"...

Perhaps the people who have made comments to us have done so without knowing all the facts...I have always loved the Scripture ...

"rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn"

and always tried to live with this deep in my spirit and recently in our church community and in my friends lives we have done a fair bit of mourning ...but there is also time to rejoice too......Chris and I have given away much of what we have been given ...I listen very carefully to what people share or perhaps put on Fbook and we constantly ask ourselves..can we help and often we find we can ....in many different ways...and I rejoice in this...

our time...
Chris DIY skills..
in helping people...
lending our cars where needed...
buying dishwashers...beds...
giving people toys and buggies....
wiping the slate clean on what others have owed us financially...
encouraging others who may be in debt to ask for help.....
helping our own family with redecorating and holidays...

I wonder if I also sometimes open my mouth without knowing all the facts and judge people ...when I shouldn't ....and for that I ask God to constantly help me with as I know I can be a touch nosey and mouthy...but for us in this season of our lives...

I cant be silent....

My heart and every part of my being is constantly amazed and in awe of how He is dealing with us..with mercy...grace...blessing and love

I cant be silent....

Just as a complete contrast...a friend visited today..one who has known us for many years...she was bringing a totally unepxected gift of money to us....she has known our history and walked with us through a lot of the pain...anyway...she sat on our sofas and had a wee recline and her main comment to me was " This is so lovely..so lovely...you deserve this...you have a lovely home...it is so lovely..." her words were like balm to my soul...you see ..she was rejoicing with us and God was being exalted .

I am going to take my "tenderness" to the one who will bring comfort to me and rest for my soul.

How Do I love Thee....Let me count the ways....

2010-08-23T23:14:00.004+01:00

I always wonder when the precise moment arrives when the contents of my mind overflows into a blog post.!!...I seem to go for a fairly longish time with nothing I feel is worth blogging about and then have several bursts in a row.I have been brewing this one for a few days now and even now I have a further one almost ready to pop...

But let me get this one out into cyberspace now ...its all about my hubby. No apologies for the length and contents ....

I have known CJ for approx 38 years...he was a DJ with Edinburgh's most famous mobile disco ...REVOLVA...and yes ..he was known as CJ the DJ.!! My friend Janie and I went to a nightclub called Aquarius and he worked there 5 nights a week....the gang who worked for Revolva all hung out together and we became the disco groupies...I actually went out with 3 of the 7 DJs before I settled on Chris....my diary entry for the days preceding our first kiss read like this..."I quite like Chris..he has a lovely bum"...

It was most unashamedly love at first sight/date...and he proposed to me on our first night out. We were inseparable from the beginning and I can quite honestly say that without him I don't think I would have survived. If you have read my earlier blogs you will know I had a very dysfunctional childhood and rest assured that by the time I was 18 I was pretty much on the road to dysfunctional adulthood too. In short...Chris rescued me...his love for me gave me hope for myself that all was not lost...the biggest and best thing about his love meant that I began to believe I was worth being loved and altho it has taken me many years to grow into a more secure foundation I believe that in the early years the unconditional love that Chris has for me laid the foundations for God to carry on his redemptive work in my heart and soul.
So...as the title of this post says...

How Do I Love Thee..let me count the ways...Chris is...

my friend ..
my lover...
my greatest supporter...
my encourager...
my challenger...
my refuge when life gets too overwhelming...
the one who holds my hand..
the one who hands me tissues when I snot and cry...
the one who rubs my feet when they ache....
the one who brings me cups of tea in bed most mornings...
the one who makes me laugh till I ache....
the one who takes my ideas and turns them into reality...
he makes me complete......
we are a good team..
he gives me freedom to be who I am...
he willingly shares in all that we do...
he is generous with his time....
he always thinks the best of me...
his love for me has never faltered...
he encourages me to dream my dreams....
he lays down his life for me ...
he puts me first....
his one liner jokes are a legend in the family...
he is diligent and faithful...
he tolerates my dog....and walks him daily..
he lets me have control of the remote...
he is a great dad....
he has worked hard all his life ...
he is a servant par excellence in the church community...
he is the calm to my stress...
he is the solid to my fluidity...
he can cook/shop/clean/wash/iron/DIY...(altho he still cant multi task)...
he will be a fantastic grand-dad....
he still has a lovely bum!!...
he is gentle with my fears...
he is confident with my dreams...
he is very competitive but thinks he isn't ...!
he walks slow cos my wee legs cant go fast...
he endures my endless waffling...
he is in love with me.....
and I could go on and on....

He is without doubt THE BEST...

Chris is the major source of joy in my heart...I have a phrase I think of when I think of Chris..."he makes my heart smile"...

Ephesians ch 5 verses 22 onwards calls husbands to "love your wives as Christ loves the church" and if there was a GCSE or A level in this particular scripture then Chris would have got an A*.!!

Please don't get me wrong ..he isn't perfect and we have had our share of arguments and some serious fall outs along the way but today I cant think of any other scenario than spending the rest of our life together . He is the only one I want to grow old with and I am asking God to bring truth to the phrase "the best is yet to come" .

We are in the very best years of our lives..our children are all grown up..and seem to be doing great in their own lives.....we are incredibly blessed that our family unit spends time together and there have been no serious rifts along the way...we have a great circle of friends and belong to a church community that we love and altho the future seems uncertain with regard to his work situation we are secure in the knowledge that whatever comes our way we will face it strong.!

I often read about couples celebrating 40/50/60 years of marriage and my prayer and hope is that we will be like that...what a great thing to be together for a lifetime and I cant imagine life without Chris..we may take each other for granted at times..we may lose sight of our together-ness every now and then..we may even have fall outs but I am convinced that we will uphold our marriage vows till "death us do part" and believe wholeheartedly in the phrase "and that which God has joined together let no man separate"

Chris and I have this wee one liner that we often say to each other that sums us up ..

We fit together so well"

Answers On a Post Card Please

2010-08-21T17:34:00.003+01:00

Its been a funny old week...we continue to be amazed at the way in which God is blessing us financially....Today we had a further cheque through from the PPI...endless blessings from the floodgates....and thus more to give away too.

I love my Zafira.....and we have been able to re-decorate as mentioned in previous blog..plus book ourselves a 3 day treat to the Isle of Wight in a beach front hotel with balcony and view over the sea.....and the fact that Chris hasn't had to "work " his notice apart from the odd day has meant he can do all the re-decorating in the day time .

Chris has also heard from the pension folk and he has been given the go ahead to retire early from 1st October and the pension payable is about what we thought...and it means the pressure is off him to get a hugely well paid job with same kind of income he is on now so he can relax a little and take some time to hear what God is saying with regard to his future employment. We also heard he has a lump sum payable to him too on 1st October which will allow us to replace his old car and to pay off a chunk of our mortgage thus bringing down our monthly repayment so all in all the floodgates are still open above The Mooneys.

In all of this I am still perplexed re what God has in store for me personally....I am a self employed full time Personal Assistant to the wonderful young man I care for...and I also childmind...slowly but surely my childminding has dropped off and despite thinking I had a sure thing with a new family I didn't get the contract....then yesterday I saw another family but haven't got that contract either and then today I heard that the wee boy I presently childmind and positively adore will be heading off to sunnier places and I will be left with no children at all....

So...what is God saying to me...I have always 100% believed that God has always brought me the right child...right family...at the right time over the last 10 years and therefor was quite surprised when a recent family decided not to use me...I get calls/emails fairly regularly yet not actually being activated...so...QUESTION IS...

1) Has God got the very best child / family waiting in the wings for me??
2) Is God saying ..time to stop childminding??
3) or lay it down for a while and see what happens..??

So...those of you with prophetic gifting...the gift of encouragement ....or a word to bring light into situation...

ANSWERS ON A POSTCARD PLEASE..!!

The Floodgates of Heaven

2010-08-14T11:01:00.002+01:00

Malachi Ch 3 verse 5 onwards have always been a tough read for The Mooneys...anyone knowing us over the last 26 plus years will know our journey through debt...which got progressively tougher and tougher in the last 5 years ending with us entering an IVA...this was a "last resort" for us.We drew a line in the spiritual sand and prayed ..."God..we are desperate to break free from this
life- threatening bondage of debt " Anyone who has been on the brink of financial ruin will know just how dark the times get when Bankruptcy is peeking round the corner and there is no way out.

IVAs are designed to keep people out of the Bankruptcy court and they get to keep any property/houses etc and ensures the creditors get some kind of payment rather than none at all as it would be in Bankruptcy. We still had to go to court and bare all to the Insolvency Practitioner and this has to be the most degrading and embarrassing moment in our lives. For 39 months out of the 60 allocated to us we "religiously" paid over our 700.00 each month and had all our expenditure examined with a fine tooth comb and had to ask for basic increases eg insurance for our dog ....we learned to work to a strict budget and as all credit was now no longer available this meant a huge change in our attitudes.

It was tough for the first 2 years as we kept it a secret from everyone as the shame and guilt was way too much to share with others....then when Chris was threatened with redundancy we realised we would have to "come clean" as if the axe fell how would we then explain our subsequent IVA failing meaning Bankruptcy and losing our home. Telling people was really hard but we were re-assured by most that we were still loved and accepted and the rest of the IVA was so much easier to get through. The most amazing things began to happen and if you have followed my blog you will know all about things like...unexpected tax rebates...holidays paid for...our trip to Willow Creek and so much more.

As I said in the opening sentence we have always struggled with the Malachi passage...over all the years we have been led by Ben D this passage was almost one of his favourites to preach from and it seemed as if it was salt on a raw wound. We have rarely tithed as scripture states but have always given as best as we could. We decided early on we would try and never let the basket go by on Sundays and even if its only a one pound coin we have given as and when we could. For gift days we have prayed and given when God has prompted and we have given gifts of money to others ..again as we have been prompted and enabled. We have always been as generous with our time and serving God as much as we could in many different ways which has helped us not to feel any condemnation with not fully tithing. In the IVA time we would have been unable to tithe as the IP would have laughed at us if we said we wanted to give a tenth of our income to the church ...But God didnt laugh at us...I believe He knew our hearts and our spirit and even though we were not fully in line with scripture He blessed us anyway... God is a good God...all the time..not just when we are being good but just becuase He loves us totally and fully exactly how we are. I sometimes think I should have kept a log book stating how many times we knew God was at work...not just financial blessings but in the many other ways we sensed God was with us....I am so sure that we could never outgive God..in any way.

The Floodgates of Heaven ....

The first of 3 "miracles " happened for us near the end of last year when Chris was given a consultancy role over in Milan which netted us a substantial amount of money which we immediately earmarked for Cat and Nick and their baby journey. The second miracle happened when we were able to offer a "Full and Final" payment to the IVA which meant our IVA completed .. 20 months earlier than planned....The third miracle happened when Cat and Nick conceived their baby ..which is now due in November.

Since the beginning of the year we have continued to "give" and to bless others as we waited for the IVA wheels to grind to a halt and for us to know what we actually had in terms of money...and then the redundancy axe finally fell on Chris re his job and he officially stops work end of September with a mere pittance for his redundancy package which if we are careful with it will last us to end of the year before we need to panic.! (I am being sarcastic with the word Panic..as .....)

We have such peace about this...we have no real idea what plans God has in store for Chris..we have a couple of ideas which he will pursue but until we know for certain we are just hanging out in the Kingdom. Whenever we have prayed we have heard God say quite clearly..

"He will never leave us or forsake us "
"I have never let you down yet "
"The best is yet to come "

and this is so true...even when we were dead in the sin of debt God was still there....I want Chris to do somethng which will satisfy him rather than just earn a wage...He has never been out of work before...never claimed any government benefits....worked hard all his working life to support our family and for the remaining years he has (he isnt old..only 58 so I am assuming many years ) I am asking God to bless him with the desires of his heart.....

Even now....we are still being blessed financially and in so many other ways ........Totally out of the blue we have had some bank fees repaid to us which has been way more than we were led to believe thus allowing us to replace our car and do a fair bit of work in Cat and Nicks house as well as redecorate one of our rooms and to bless a couple of others too...and to keep on giving as the basket goes round.

Its strange that even tho I have struggled personally with other issues this year I can still stand in awe of how God has opened The Floodgates of Heaven and poured out a blessing ... God is good all the time. In the year 2010 so far The Mooneys are so grateful and thankful for ....

An end to the IVA early....
Lump sum available for Cat and Nick....
One off payment to IVA....
New baby due..so excited to be Granny and Granddad Mooney...
New car...
Holiday to The Algarve..paid for completely by cash....
Family times that have brought great joy....
Refunds of PPI..exceeded what we thought....
Being able to put money in the offering basket each time it passed us by...
Blessing others and being blessed....
Good friends who have stood with us through it all...
Church community allowing us to be open.....
No condemnation.....
Chris having 3 month "notice" which he doesn't actually have to work...
Redundancy package ..which altho not much will keep us going ,....
A sense that God has our future firmly in our hands....
My income and job being as secure as self employment can be.....
My job being so enjoyable and satisfying....
Middle son continuing to stay at home which allows us to benefit from his rent...
Chris being able to take up golf....and having the money for him to do so....
The desire to buy buy buy has gone completely.....
Any form of credit not being available for another 2 years....Temptation removed...
Continued faith that God has our future in His hands....

The biggest blessing in all of this for us is the prospect of becoming Grandparents...No words can describe the feelings we have when we look at Cat and Nick and know that only God can have brought this to pass....He is the creator of all life and I am left in adoration.

Oh yes....The Floodgates of Heaven are well and truly open above The Mooneys.

Dislocation Part Two

2010-08-13T19:27:00.002+01:00

DISLOCATION.....I have been thinking about this "feeling" for some time and trying to get it clear in my mind before blogging...I know what I want to say but not sure if I can get it into words that will make sense. A few months ago I was pretty much busy busy busy !! and I love that feeling when it sometimes feels as if you want the "bus to stop and let you off" but truly you are getting such a kick out of being in the centre of Gods purposes..so even if the bus stopped you wouldn't choose to get off.!!

I have thought back over the decades I have been a Christian and a part of my church community and realised that much of my spiritual life has been busy busy busy and it is in these seasons that a fair bit of my Spiritual growth has taken place. When I initiated the Deaf Ministry and later launched Kerith Kids and helped launch Hilltop...my life was incredibly busy and incredibly active and incredibly fulfilling. To get a ministry up and running meant tons of prayer...tons of scripture...tons of meetings..tons of contacts with the unchurched and unsaved and tons of ongoing support and interaction with church leaders and elders as well as amazing spiritual connection with others as teams were built on solid foundations. Several of my closest and oldest buddies had the birthing of our friendships during these intense times as we met...served..worked..prayed...cried...together on a mission to open the doors of our church community to those who were at that time (22years ago) largely ignored by churches all over the nation. I was also raising a family of three children and married to the best husband in the world so every part of our lives were busy busy busy not just Sundays.

In this last 2-3 years I once again found myself leading a ministry... (well.... I called it a ministry )...My ongoing vision statement was..."car parking isn't about cars it is about people " and I sensed the Spiritual side to this over the months as I built and encouraged team members...prayed...met with leaders and generally was busy busy busy that I was once more in a season of growth and looking back I realise that God was showing me much about myself as well as growing me in grace and mercy. With meeting other ministry leaders on a regular basis and fortnightly meetings with my "line manager " I prospered in many ways as rough edges were smoothed and encouragement to grow and to trust and to expect God to answer prayer was a regular feature in this busy busy busy time. The most significantly different part of this season of busy busy busy was that I was no longer raising the three children..they were pretty much raised !! and therefor the ministry busy-ness filled much more of my life than before...altho being the wife of still the best husband in the world meant I did carve some time out...that is when he wasn't being busy busy busy in his serving. Some of my best memories of the car parking ministry were times we served together..some weddings..funerals..and conferences...this was such a great time when we worked together to bless the church community.

For many reasons I laid down this ministry at the end of March...I so wish I could have the January to March months of that time back as I didn't finish well and I am cross with myself about that...it has taken me a while to move on from that particular pit. But here I am with no busy busy busy and boy am I dislocated. ....

I miss the hustle and bustle...
I miss the meetings...
I miss the interaction..
I miss my "line manager"
I miss the prayer...
I miss the encouragement..
I miss the thank yous...
I miss the emails...
I miss the questions...
I miss the weekly numbers info...
I miss being in the office....
I miss my teams...
I miss shaping the car parking for the future....
I miss being part of conference planning....
I miss the early mornings...
I miss blessing people...
I miss the challenges...
I miss sometimes getting info before other people..!!
I miss being in the centre of Gods purposes....

I miss......I miss......I miss.....

The "dislocation" feelings come directly as a part of the "missing" ....all of the busy busy busy- ness just dried up overnight..meetings stopped..emails stopped..questions stopped....planning stopped...serving stopped...it felt as if I had kinda disappeared of the radar....and I still miss all of it....especially the personal involvement and contacts....

I have been immersing myself in scripture and reading books and listening to some teaching CDs from ALM ...some of which has been painful to take on board but I know this is a time to believe that God has my future in His hands....Psalm 18 has been a tremendous help to me as well as some of the songs we have learned recently in church. As I have written this posting I am grateful for the feeling that the season of dislocation is passing and God has my days planned out for me..."to prosper and not to harm me" and I am therefor content in my "missing" if that makes sense.!!

Dislocated

2010-07-05T20:46:00.002+01:00

Dislocated ...a word that has been buzzing around in my spirit for some time...I had planned to do a fair bit of blogging after my last entry and have been appalled by the fact it has been weeks since I last posted. I have so much "stuff" taking root in my head I thought blogging about it all would enable me to make sense of it all....but every time I thought I had a handle on the next entry it would just disappear again.

I have felt "dislocated"...weird word I know to describe what may just be blogging block.! The Oxford Dictionary says this of the word DISLOCATE =
1)disturb the normal connection....
2)disrupt..put out of order...
3)displace....

I have been trying to understand what I have been feeling and this word kept coming up in my mind...I have felt "dislocated"...and for last few weeks been trying to get my head..heart and spirit around this....

I attended the Unique Women's Conference at the weekend ...REAL...and several things happened during this time that have helped me to crystallize what I have been feeling. I am taking some time to process all that has been said and all that I experienced there and am feeling slightly more confident that I will be able to blog a bit more sensibly over next few days.

On a different note....Two major pieces of info to impart to anyone interested enough to follow my family sagas....Cat and Nick are now almost 21 weeks pregnant with a son.!! How amazing is that..God is the miracle maker and has blessed this family with this new life and I am a Granny -in -Waiting....and at the other end of the news spectrum...Chris my gorgeous hubby has finally got the date for his impending redundancy...his last day of full time work will be 30th Sept 2010. We are not surprised and in some ways its a relief as this has been hanging over us for almost 2 years. We feel excited by the future and praying that God will open doors for him to have a great role in whatever employment God has in store for him. Financially we wont panic till the end of the year..so ask me again nearer that time if we are still excited (!).

Moving on.......

2010-05-10T14:21:00.002+01:00

After a few months break I am once more back "Living in the Shadow of Victory" and will hopefully keep blogging. If you are still planning on reading the blog then let me know and keep in touch. I am aiming to make this more interactive so feel free to leave comments or suggestions and if any of you want to meet up for coffee then yippeeeeee. One of the best things about blogs and Facebook is keeping in touch...but also the other great thing is renewing friendships and meeting folk for coffee ....so give me a call/email me and would love to meet up ....

I have had a very difficult few months and at times I thought I wasn't even living in the "the shadow" but had lost my way completely !....I took a couple of months out from writing this blog to work through the 60/60 experiment and that was very timely and has helped me enormously to find the "rock " again and to get back on my feet spiritually.

It will take a few entries to get clear in my mind what has been happening but it has been a kind of "shaking " time..I have felt at times that everything I thought about myself was being shaken and I have not liked this at all. As I have worked my way through all the misunderstandings and miscommunication and mistakes I realised that somehow or other I had lost confidence in myself ...in me...in the way I was as a person..in how I handled things...in how I was gifted....I seemed to have no hold on who I was or how I fitted into things any more. The two main areas of my life which have been fairly constant have been my ability to "communicate"....and to "encourage" and it seemed as if I had lost these gifts and certainly I lost the self confidence that was required to actually exercise these gifts. For a time I was floundering in a sea of confusion and believe me this is not a good place to be.....and it is only through making some hard decisions that I can begin to move on.

To enable me to gather myself back into some semblance of healing and wholeness I have taken the somewhat radical decision to lay down all that I am involved in with church. This is a strange place for me to be in....having been fully involved for decades in so much I now find myself with so much time ...physical ..spiritual and mind space...For years my body ...mind and spirit has been occupied with "church stuff"...meetings...arrangments...organising...serving...leading...praying....etc and now I have this empty space in these areas which I have found hard to cope with and yet know this is where God wants me to be right now. During the 60/60 experiment I was amazed at how much I needed to connect with God and how hard it was sometimes to keep the connection going so I know that for this next season of my journey I will be looking to God to fill up all the empty bits.

My ongoing scripture and prayer for myself at the moment is from

Philippians ch 1 verse 6 ...being confident in this...that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

I know that perhaps my self confidence maybe in tatters but the truth of this verse re-assures me that God has confidence that He will complete the work in me...

Saturday 6th March Day One ...60/60

2010-03-06T11:55:00.003Z

Just a very quick post to let you know that I have closed the
"Shadow of Victory " blog for the moment and will be starting a new-ish blog based on the book written by John Burke ....The Soul Revolution....

If you want to access the blog as I do the experiment then you need to email me as blog will now be private.....if you want to do the 60/60 experiment with me then ...yippeeeeee....

This will be the last blog email/update you will receive from me via this blog ....may I take this moment to thank you for walking alongside me this last 14 months...your encouragement and love and support has kept me going in so many ways,

Thursday 18th February F is for Four Words

2010-02-18T15:49:00.004Z

The Four F words......

F is for Failure....
F is for Focus......
F is for Follicles..
F is for Farewell...

I am off work today after a nocturnal migraine...very rare for me but it has left me feeling absolutely awful.!! My entry today is maybe partially influenced by how I am feeling at this moment but it has been brewing for some weeks.Let me say a little about each of the above F words....

F is for Failure....I am more and more aware of how many areas I still fail in...this last couple of years has seen me come face to face with glaring character faults...leading the car parking ministry has highlighted so much in my personality and character that I have tried so many times to change yet find myself once more in despair of ever being the person God intended me to be. Over the years I have walked along the way with other folk who seem way ahead of me in ability and maturity and I realise afresh just how far behind I am lagging. Every area of church life I am involved with whether it be
Lifegroup...Mentoring...Exposition...whatever ....I always feel like an exception as everyone goes about their lives. On the surface I "fit in " yet still feel like an onlooker....not truly part of the gang....For so many years and probably all of the 26 years of my life as a follower of Christ I have strived to overcome so much yet in so many areas I am still failing.

F is for Focus.......Simon is preaching a series on Life's Healing Choices and this last Sunday was all about FOCUS....He gave 7 keys to change and as I listened I knew these were going to be very important so I took notes...I only ever take notes when I am prompted by God .....as for someone who relies so much on lip reading to actually try and write and listen at the same time is very hard but I persevered. As I have looked at these notes and thought them through and discussed them in LG I have come to the conclusion I am still a failure. I struggle so much in LG ..the people are lovely ...and we are coming together as men in one place and women in another to facilitate discussion and open-ness but I know if I was to be really honest with this group I would feel completely on my own...so I don't contribute from deep within...it sometimes feels as if no-one else does..or maybe this is only my perception .But there are times when I do let my "mask" slip ..only to come home feeling extremely vulnerable....vowing never to share so deeply again..this week was one of those times.

F is for Follicles...I am not going to talk too much about this..just to say that I went with Catriona to have her scan and blood tests for her next stage on their IVF journey...the scan was awesome in that it showed the inside of my daughters ovaries...I am sure there is written somewhere that mums were not ever meant to see this kind of stuff LOL...but at the same time it was incredible to see the follicles maturing...all is well for the next stage and we are hopefully optimistic. I was very surprised to find myself weeping copiously as the nurse showed us around her womb.(!)....we then had some fun test driving some baby buggies in the Mothercare just across the road from the clinic...( I wonder if Mothercare chose this location next to an IVF clinic deliberately (!).. )...I always feel very calm about all that is going on with Cat and Nick but in the early hours of this morning I woke up just in time to reach the bathroom to be sick...a nocturnal migraine had me in its grip and they are no fun !!..so I made the decision to drug myself and head back to bed and took the day off work. I am made aware again that the underlying anxiety is obviously more than I think.

F is for Farewell....As some of you may know I have been debating about continuing the blog for some time and I have taken the decision to close it down. When I say close it down ...let me qualify..I may re-start it but as a private blog ( possibly invitation only )without public interaction. I truly still believe that "writing is my best chance of happiness" and want to continue to journal my feelings and thoughts but as I have been trying to make sense of how and what I am going through I know I haven't been able to journal as honestly as I would have liked knowing that other people may read the words I have written.Yet at the same time I have been so encouraged by the identification that so many people have emailed me about or left comments on the blog... There is still so much for me to deal with internally and altho our church is creating an great place for "no perfect people allowed" and we are creating an "its alright to say I am not fine "culture.... I am still struggling with who I am and how I am.

Last night at LG we sang one of those amazing worship songs where the words just seem to sum up all that I was feeling...let me leave you with some of the words.

A thousand times I have failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I am caught in your grace....Everlasting.....
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending Your glory goes beyond all fame...

Part of the chorus goes like this...

And the cry of my heart is to give you praise from the inside out Lord my soul cries out....

Today as I write this...these words are echo-ing from within...

Sunday 14th February F is for Forward

2010-02-14T20:44:00.005Z

F is for Forward.....well strictly speaking this entry should really be called "Pay it Forward "...but wanted to stick to the F words.!!

We have just spent Valentines evening together..enjoying a lovely roast dinner and watching a feel good film called "Pay it Forward" and it has had such a strong impact on us that I have literally walked through from the living room as the titles have gone up and started this blog...to get it all down while it was still fresh in my mind. Have you seen it ??... I don't ever remember it being in the cinema so perhaps it was a "straight to dvd " film..or maybe its really old..it was in the £2.99 section in Sainsbury yesterday and it was worth so much more than that.

I wont spoil all the storyline in case you want to watch it but suffice to say a school teacher challenged his class of 11 year olds to write an assignment based on "something that could change the world" and the wee boy who the story is based on outlined a plan where by he did something good to three people and then those three people had to "pay it forward " to three others ( thus making 9) and then those 9 had to "pay it forward " ( thus making 27) and so on and so on.....

Near the end after watching this all unfold the wee lad is interviewed as the "Founder " of this "Movement " called
"Pay it Forward "...(remember this is all fiction) ...and the wee lad says he didn't know it had worked and he thought it had not gone beyond his own 3 people because it

"had to be something really really really hard...and something that maybe you would be scared to do "

One of the people who did "pay it forward " had gone to her mum who had been a drunk and had neglected her growing up and who had become a bag lady of sorts and this person who was "paying it forward " found her mum amongst the street people and said "I forgive you " Watching this section of the film had me weeping ...identification always produces tears for me and as I saw the emotions playing out (remember this is fiction )...I once again saw the power in those words "I forgive you " and even now as I type I can feel tears forming as I " hear " the words of Jesus on the cross saying "Forgive them Father" and as I almost daily encounter Jesus showing me hard things..asking me hard things...but knowing that it is all about "paying it forward" ...God...who began a good work in me wants to complete it...He doesn't want me to "stay the way I am " He wants to change me and that's why He "paid it forward "for me . (remember this is NOT fiction )

As Chris and I watched the film we were incredibly moved by it and the power of doing "hard things"....and as the story developed we saw lots of stories unfold all over America...(remember this is fiction ) and many of the stories involved were about drunks and addicts and bullies....but there was also the ones about giving things to those who didn't have and being there for people who needed help....

"Pay it Forward " is almost a picture of what Jesus did for me..for each of us...He paid the price thousands of years ago so that I might be forgiven...He challenges me daily to "pay it forward " to others...if I did this every day of my life...if all of us "paid it forward" to 3 people as often as we could and they did the same and then those people did the same...
could we change the situation...
could we change ourselves...
could we change our families..
could we change our communities..
could we change our town....
could we change our world....

When Jesus "paid it forward " He began a revolution of love..peace..grace..mercy..forgiveness...and so much more...

He paid it forward for everyone..

not just for 3 people.....and it changed the world.....

I am going to be "paying it forward " this week...I am going to find 3 people who I can bless in some way...maybe not that big a thing but something that will change their world in a small way ..flowers...a card...a coffee invite..a letter...a smile.......maybe they will "pay it forward " and maybe if you are reading this blog you can do something similar to 3 people you know and ......hey before we know where we are we could have a "movement"...Actually I believe we already have a movement..its called the CHURCH....so lets all "Pay it Forward ".

Friday 12th February F is for Funerals

2010-02-12T16:40:00.004Z

F is for Funerals....or as we know in our church its usually a celebration of the persons life and a time to give thanks for who they were..to remember ...smile..laugh..weep and be together with many who share memories of the one who has died. Today I was once again honoured to be able to serve a family from within our community as they said goodbye to RB.

I was standing in a drizzly kind of rain in the cold watching members of RBs brass band arrive complete with all their amazing instruments...some I didn't even know the name of and then parking the many friends and family who came together for this time.I reflected that it was the 5th Funeral/Thanksgiving we had had in a few months and my heart seemed full of grief and sadness as I greeted so many people...I also know that at some point very soon we may have another similar occasion as a family I know is saying goodbye to K..a much loved wife..mummy and friend to so many.

I love serving like this as it gives me time to pray specifically for those who are experiencing grief and sadness whilst I stand there ...folk may look and wonder what on earth I am doing as they may see my lips move and at times I am pretending to talk on the radios when in fact I am talking to the God !!

In fact I love to serve in the car park...many people who know me think I am daft...and have wondered why I do what I do...and what on earth I get out of it...I know there are times in every volunteer area where we just get on and do it and not actually get anything "out of it" but it is rare that I get to the end of a car parking session and don't come away buzzing and feeling I have given my all.(and with the size of our car park there are many times when I have literally given my all !!)

I am actually reflecting a lot about my car parking at the moment for personal reasons...and it has given me time to think about the "why"...what is it about being there to welcome people that makes me come alive ...what is it that has kept me going through the wind..rain..snow...stress...panic....rudeness...tiredness....what is it that keeps me getting up early...re-arranging my work life...changing commitments..taking unpaid leave from work to serve at conferences....serving at weddings and funerals of people who I don't really know well....as well as regularly on Sundays.

I am not going to start patting myself on the back and saying "well done good and faithful servant" or expect other people to keep on saying thank you
(and people do )...The main reason I have done this for almost three years is simply because God has called me to it.I have always known it was a calling from God as it is SO not my natural habitat...I am an indoors person..I am an up front person..I would much prefer a microphone than a radio/walkie talkie.....and a platform rather than a car park....But somehow or other God put something of His heart in me to be someone who is there to welcome others into the community known as Kerith Community Church and especially to welcome at those events that may draw those who don't yet know Jesus. My Vision Statement for Car Parking has always been..

Car Parking isnt about CARS..its about PEOPLE

And yet...Despite a deep sense of Gods calling....I know I cant go on....I have beaten myself up so many times in the last few weeks as I have struggled with so many confusing emotions. I am not going to share too deeply here as it is an ongoing work of God in my life that I need some time to work through. I feel a complete wreck and failure and disappointed with myself and at the same time I feel complete relief that I have made this decision. I didn't come to it lightly or without much thought..prayer and talking it through. Those who are close to me will know just how much I have wrestled with this decision and how many times I have pressed on...and on...Even as I served today I could feel such deep sadness that I wont be doing it much longer and then confusingly great relief and peace knowing I wouldn't be doing it much longer. Confused yet?? I have been too..!!

Over the 26 years I have been a Christian and served in just about every area of community life and initiated several ministries..eg Deaf Ministry and Kerith Kids I have always struggled with laying things down...how to leave behind an ongoing ministry...I have always thought it was an admittance of failure to stop doing something especially when it was going well....and at times when there is no clear leadership handover. Until I read a book called Courageous Leadership by Bill Hybels...I struggled to know exactly who/what kind of leader I am.....Bill is one of my heroes...he leads the Willow Creek Campus in Chicago and I had the immense privilege of going there last summer for their Leadership Summit...I even stood about 2 feet away from him for a few minutes in the coffee shop (!)...but he writes about Leadership with such great insight and this has helped me to grow and mature....and I have found myself once again dipping into his books over the last few weeks looking for insight into my confusion.

So...F is for Funerals... and I guess "endings"...and it is with huge sadness that I realise that there will come.... very soon..an "ending" to my leading the car parking team ministry........I may not hang up the yellow jacket this is still an ongoing decision I am wrestling with but certainly leading the gang of yellow men and women is coming to a close in next few weeks. The teams have been amazing..I have felt great joy serving alongside each and everyone of them..not least my gorgeous hubby who has served alongside me so many times when he isn't also inside serving the audio desk.

Let me leave you with this scripture which has been one of my life verses for years

1 Corinthians ch 15 verse 58 says this.....Therefore my dear brothers,stand firm. Let nothing move you.Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord,because you know that your labour in the Lord is not in vain.

Tuesday 9th February...F is for Fertility

2010-02-09T14:16:00.002Z

F is for Fertility...no..nothing to do with me..!!

This morning I went with Cat for one of her appointments and since then I have been thinking through the whole journey she and Nick are on. We arrived at this rather space age looking building called " The Institute of Reproductive Sciences" As we sat in the car together and then in the waiting room I said to her " it wasn't meant to be like this " and as I looked around the clinic waiting room I saw a group of women of all ages sitting with either mums or husbands or partners and several on their own and I guessed for them too "it wasn't meant to be like this "

As her appointment was running late my mind wandered here ....there and everywhere as various doctors and nurses and patients went in and out of rooms. It was all very clinical and no-one spoke above whispers and no-one made eye contact with one another. There was no shared camaraderie even tho I know that everyone was there for the same reason....everyone seemed wrapped in their own world.I wondered how many attempts some of them had made..or if this was their first visit...I wondered about the ones who were there alone..I wondered about the ones who clutched large files...I wondered if they wondered about Catriona !! The clinic nurse was warm and humorous as she showed Cat the next stage of her treatment and detailed the appointment time scales etc and then we were back in the car driving back to Bracknell.We were quiet on the way home and I kept hearing this refrain in my head..."it wasnt meant to be like this "

It seems surreal for me as her mum to be walking this journey with my daughter. I was so aware that the clinic waiting room was like a very small drop in the ocean of Fertility....it was one waiting room in one clinic on one morning which would have been reproduced all over the nation on a huge scale and on a daily basis . I am humbled by this fact...whilst Catriona is only one person..one daughter...in the grand scale of things she is also just one of so many...and "it wasn't meant to be like this " for any of the women I saw this morning.

I am humbled in the spiritual sense also that I know God is in charge of Cat and Nicks journey ..I know He is sovereign...I know He is the author of life...I know He is the healer....I know He can produce a miracle...I know...I know ..I know..

There is no way we can ever prepare ourselves for things that "arent meant to be this way"..there is no course we can go on to find out the best ten steps to dealing with this....there is no fast track to coping ....

There is only God...
There is only His Spirit....
There is only Jesus...

In Him alone ....

Monday 1st February . F is for Fun

2010-02-01T20:12:00.006Z

F is for Fun...and F is for February and I want to know who stole January ! With all the snow and disruption it seems as if January disappeared and we are now rolling on into Spring.

This is just a short entry to post some fun !!....I spent some time on Saturday with the Exposition group...this is the writing group that the church has under the Unique Women's Ministry banner and we had a day away planned which was excellent in many ways. Joining in with a group of women of all ages ..sharing our words and thoughts together was stimulating and challenging. It was all the more challenging for me as for the last 3 meetings the group has focus-ed on poetry....and just to explain..

I do not "do " poetry..don't write it ..don't like it...don't read it...just plain don't "do"!!

I will hopefully work out how to post my offering of poetry with this blog but I wanted to share a kind of "epiphany" I have had about myself brought about by Exposition over the last year. For as long as I can remember I have always felt slightly inferior with regard to academic ability...leaving school at 16 with O levels and never really undertaking any higher education I am very aware that I often mix with folk who have degrees and are hugely more intelligent that me in the academic sense. Exposition has stretched me way beyond my comfort zone and at times I have often thought to give up ..especially when it began to focus on poetry...In the run up to the day the emails were flying with all the poems being sent round so we all knew each persons offerings.I only had to read some of the introductions and explanations to realise that I was way out of my depth...and then reading the actual poetry just blew me out of the water.

But..I have slowly reached an acceptance and understanding of who I am and what I have to offer and decided that rather than try and be what I most definitely am not...I would just be myself and write as I see it.This in itself is a step forward for me as I have sometimes found myself pretending to be other than I am...if that makes sense? Have you ever sat in a group doing ice breaker kind of activities and you have to say something "encouraging" about each person in the room...or where you have to use one word to describe each person in the room?? Over the years if ever this has been my experience the main thing people would say about me would be comments about "how funny I am "...or about "my sense of humour " and whilst there isn't anything wrong with that I have so often wanted the words "wise " "spiritual" "strong" "adaptable"...and other remarks like this...and at times I have said "I wish people could see past my humour " to the real me.!!

The awakening realisation I have been experiencing for this last year is that actually being funny...humerous...bringing laughter into life is a vital part of the "real me " and is a gift in itself and I could relax into it without feeling in any way inferior. As we all shared our poetry on the Away Day and each of us read our offerings I was so very aware that each persons poem was much deeper and more mysterious and needed lots of thought to get the meaning and to understand and grasp the truth of the words they had written. I knew as my turn approached that there was no hidden meaning..no depth...no mystery...just laughter at the basic humanity of a woman. In the past I would have felt so very much out of place and been nervous and worrying about what others perceived me to be...but instead I just felt a complete and utter freedom that I had written something fairly good and very funny and it provoked exactly the reaction I had expected..planned ...and wanted...laughter...much hooting and giggles.!!

Fun is good..laughter is precious...and if my wee poem makes you giggle then this blog entry has been worthwhile...

JUST ONCE

Just once,
Can I get through the day
without squeezing whilst sneezing
or holding tough when I cough
when walking to the car seems way too far.

Just once,
Can I get through the day?
without a queue for the loo
or crossing of legs like pegs
When running for buses causes down below fusses.

Just once,
Can I get through the day
without Senna or Tena
or creeping whilst seeping
when a heavenly sigh confirms that I am dry,

Just once,
Can I get through the day
without slickers as knickers
or whinging and cringing
when the cold hits the tight bits.

Just once,
Can I get through the day,
without a sneak for a leak
or constant wee-ing and pee-ing
when daytime dribbling becomes nocturnal widdling.

Saturday 30th January F is for Fifty Five..

2010-01-30T21:15:00.002Z

F is for Fifty Five.....Today is my birthday and I am fifty five years old.! Surely not my "inside me " cries ...where did the last 30 years go? My body is feeling the advance of age but my mind..thoughts..heart and spirit are still playing catch up and in fact may never catch up as I intend to grow younger from now on. My gorgeous hubby tells me I am now in my mid fifties (!)and as he is rapidly approaching sixty I feel quietly confident he will always be older than me !!

As the years have swiftly whizzed by I find the actual day of the birthday can just drift by and not stand out from any other day but today has been a
"stand out" day in many ways.....each small event bringing me much joy and a sense of being cossetted and loved and special. The day began ...

Hug from hubby and a whisper of "happy birthday babe " ( still a babe at 55 ..cant be bad )
Extra hour in bed to just snooze again...
Cup of tea in bed ...
Visit from number two son and girlfriend bearing flowers and perfume and cards.. (those of you who know number two son will know just how much that is a blessing !! and something very special )
Cards and pressies...books...cash...more flowers...( love tulips )
Tickets to see The Sound of Music...(yiipppeeeee )
Friend bearing Starbucks and pain au chocolat ( oh she may never know how that reached deep into my soul and made tender the sore bits )
Time spent with women sharing words...emotions...life..( what a privilege )
Hospitality showered upon us over lunch...( cant express how that hour was so precious )
Fish and chips with my man...( we love Wetherspoons..I am such a cheap date )
Cinema..Book of Eli...thought provoking and poignant...
Facebook greetings from so many friends...
Looking forward to my family all sharing time and space as we lunch together tomorrow....(this is a gift in itself and I know deep gratitude that we can be together )

Birthdays....there have been so many of them and so few which are
"stand out " days...but today this day of reaching my mid fifties has been such a day...I am increasingly aware I have so much to be thankful for and for today I am just that...thankful.

Hebrews ch 12 v 28 says this

Therefore , since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken,let us be thankful,and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe .

Thursday 21st January F is for Faith

2010-01-21T21:54:00.004Z

F is for Faith and with each day that passes this week I find I am growing in Faith...God has been very evidently with me each day as friends have gathered here to pray for Cat and Nick and each evening as we have gathered as a community. There is something about the
"two or three gathered in my name..there I will be also "
that builds faith into our spirits and certainly for me I have felt Gods spirit do a new work in me.

I have run out of thank you words for those of you who have taken time out to stand with me " in the gap " for my daughter...I so appreciate you all...this morning I was pretty certain I would be on my own and had just sat down with the candles lit and the bible open and the doorbell went..followed twice more so we were four today .We did business!! We found a well known passage...Romans CH 8 but read it from The Message version and boy did that sound different so we ran with it and prayed through it. Gods word is like a double edged sword !!

Each day we have met we have also included everyones children and for me to be able to pray for so many peoples children has also given me much joy. Our children are all so very precious and as mums we feel every one of their hurts and want to hold them close....that's fine when they are 5 or 6 years old but when they are adults who have made mistakes or have a deep need it is much harder to hold them close and sometimes the only way to do it is to pray.

This evening the worship again focus-ed on the words
"the same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in me "
And once more we prayed for that power to release us from sin...from things that have held us captive for years and we spoke out words of faith. I spent a fair bit of time praying about my food addiction and asking God for that same power to not only live in me but to bring me complete freedom.Over the week as I have fasted I have felt a measure of release from addiction and in faith I am believing that God is doing a new work in this area.

As an aside ...for the first time that I can remember the meeting was attended by ALL the Elders and at one point Ben asked them to come to the front and to pray/prophesy...as they spoke I felt a real sense of holiness in the words they spoke. They spoke out big things for us as a community and as individuals and looking at them I knew that God had called them into a team for "such a time as this"..As they stood they probably weren't aware that they represented a powerful body of men and that for me they inspired immense trust to follow them and to take their words and direction into my spirit. I feel a sense of privilege in being a part of a community led by such a Godly group of guys.

I am still writing in my journal on a daily basis all that I am thinking through and praying through this week and once I make sense of it I may blog a bit more. I keep on saying that "writing is my best chance of happiness" and for me to write helps me process it all . So many times I have heard God speak or show me something and I haven't kept a note of it and then lose out on the ability to work and pray it through.Even as I type this my memory is in overdrive lest I forget ...but I guess I must rely on God to bring to remembrance that which He wants me to understand.

F is for Finally.....I would love to hear how this week has been for you ..whether you have fasted or prayed or not...My prayer is that God will keep on filling you with His Holy Spirit on a day by day basis as you live out your lives in the light of His holiness.

Wednesday 20th January F is for Fear and Failure

2010-01-20T22:50:00.002Z

Wow...day three of fasting and all urge to eat has gone but hey I am still desperate for a telly fix and a fiction fix.!! Isn't it strange the things that are not wrong in themselves can have such a hold on me. I would never think I am addicted as such to these things but as the desire to do them is so strong I can only assume there is an element of addiction there.

I am so glad that I am participating in this week and so grateful for friends who have come alongside me to pray each day and for the evenings when we gather as a community . This has opened up the way for God to speak and to bless me so deeply so far.Today my bestest buddy came and together we knocked on heavens door and read and shared scripture and shared what we felt God was saying and allowed the tenderness of God to touch our innermost being. I was deeply touched when she prayed not just for Cat and Nick to have a child but for me to be a grandmother.

For Cat and Nick ...I ache in a way I find it difficult to express as they have walked this journey for the last 2 years but somewhere deep in the deepest recess of my heart there is also my own anguish about being a granny.In the same way that I know Cat struggles with her friends and peers having babies whilst her arms remain empty I have watched most of my friends and peers become Grandmothers over and over again.So to have prayer today for this was timely and I am grateful that my friend was prompted to do so.

So...F is for Fear....and F is for Failure These have always been F words that have caused me huge problems in the past but I know that God is doing a new work in me this last couple of years and tonight as we worshipped I knew God was speaking to me about this again. I knew God was "applauding " me .! We were singing the words of the song "take me as you find me ..all my fears and failures..fill my life again " and as we sang I found myself weeping as the truth again was impressed upon my spirit....That God takes me exactly as I am ...today..tonight ..tomorrow...nothing I can do in any way will cause God to turn away from me...I will always be welcome in His presence ...In the past I have often "run away" from God if there was any element of failure or fear in my life ..preferring to run first rather than wait for rejection...but one thing I am so grateful for is that I don't need to run away and that even when I know I have made a mess that I can still come into His presence and there are times when that truth is overwhelming and tonight was one of those moments.

I am continuing to fast and continuing to pray and continuing to read the bible for the rest of this time and will break my fast on Friday evening.I have found that giving God time to reveal His scripture to me has been an adventure...giving time to meet with friends has awakened a hunger in me for hanging out again with friends who will "take me up "...Simon B writes in his blog about being wise who you hang out with..who you spend time with... I have been so blessed all week with the great friends who have met with me and today has given me such a boost with prayer in the morning and a lovely and blessed time with an incredibly gentle and tender friend in the afternoon and then an affirming and challenging time this evening....and one of the goals I will implement from this week will be to actively seek out friends who I know will encourage me in daily seeking God....to be "intentional" about who I spend time with.

One of my hopes and prayers for this week was that I would get closer to God...see Him more clearly and hear with greater clarity what He is saying to me and I am not disappointed. It seems as if every scripture I have meditated on... every paragraph I have read in the two books I am reading has truth within that has caused me to stop and think.I am so aware of the words we have been singing and each time we have gathered to worship has seemed like a personal conversation with the Holy Spirit .One of the things we asked God for this evening was a "fresh revelation" and my heart is already grateful for this and yet I know there is so much more.

If you are fasting and/or praying this week...my hope is that you too will have had a fresh revelation and know more of Gods heart for you.

Tuesday 19th January F is for Forgotten

2010-01-19T22:48:00.002Z

F is for Forgotten.....In this season of fasting and praying I have forgotten how it feels to set aside time to draw near...I have forgotten the joy of praying with Godly women ...I have forgotten the sense of encouragement when Gods word is spoken ...I have forgotten the sense of expectation when gathered together with the wider community....I have forgotten what Gods voice sounds like.....I have forgotten just how much I need His presence.....I have forgotten the touch of His Holy Spirit....I have forgotten the need for the prophetic.....

So much is forgotten in the ordinary living of our daily lives. I am amazed that in just 2 days of fasting and praying I have drawn closer to God ...its as if a mist has been cleared away ..or the scales from my eyes...As I have shed the activities such as reading and watching telly...as I have purposely and intentionally set aside time and invited women to come alongside me each day..as I have gathered with the wider community each evening...its as if I have been ushered into Gods presence.

Today ..I had the honour of praying with two lovely and Godly women ...women who have known me for decades and who were willing to give up an hour of their time to stand with me on behalf of Cat and Nick....and guess what..God showed up..."where two or three are gathered in my name ..there will I be also " We shared scriptures and knocked on heavens door and after they left I sat for some minutes just soaking in the knowledge that God is God.

This evening at the church prayer time the worship just drew me in as if I was on my own...some of the words of the different songs took on a new and deeper meaning.

By your mercy we draw near.
The same power that conquered the grave lives in me...The same power that rescued the earth lives in me.
How great is our God..sing with me.

All very familiar words but tonight their truth resonated with me in a personal and significant way. I love to worship and we prayed that we would be men and women who worshipped...Chris and I prayed for each other that God would open up new and deeper ways to worship...that we would be released to give God honour through the way we live and through the way we worship.

Ken B led us into a time asking God to speak to us prophetically..."in the ordinary everyday of our lives" and as we spent time praying this through I knew God was speaking to me...I will keep praying into this and blog later in the week when I have the whole picture.It is interesting for me to remember that it was a prayer and fasting time almost two years ago when AW prophesied to the meeting that it was time to "position ourselves strategically so that God could use us for such a time as this " On the back of that "word" I gave up serving in the stewarding team to concentrate on car parking and we all know where that led to.!!

Over the last couple of days as I have set aside time to hear and experience more of God I have "heard " two words....Silence and Mother. These are separate words not a phrase and I am seeking God for clarity as to what He is saying.One thing that happened this evening at the prayer time was a period of silence...not overly long where everyone gets uncomfortable or feels they have to fill it or move on..just a holy moment and it was as if Jesus was whispering to me.

"There you are "

It was as if he was seated next to me and had just leaned over to whisper in my ear..."There you are " Sometimes my life is so "noisy" and by that I mean activity..people...babble...work...serving...being....that it can feel as if I have lost His presence and so this evening as all the external "noise" disappeared then his presence and His voice could be felt and heard.

I still desperately want to read my novel..its typical in that I started a great novel last Friday and several times during today when I would normally have sat for half hour or so and had a good read but I know that as I "cleanse " my mind and spirit this week that I will have opened myself up to the infilling of Gods Holy Spirit.The same with telly..each night after the prayer meeting I would usually have watched an hour or so of telly...but instead of that I am blogging instead! As for food....I have had a low grade headache for this last 24 hours and have felt achy ..tired and shivery ..and this afternoon I had a lay down on the sofa and napped for half an hour. Fasting isn't easy...Praying isn't easy...leaving books and telly behind aren't easy either but I am rewarded with the presence of my Maker..and that has to be worth the sacrifice .

I am looking forward to the rest of the week..praying again for Cat and Nick and being a part of the wider community each evening.What a privilege !!

Monday 18th January F is for Food

2010-01-18T22:07:00.005Z

F is for Food..a very apt subject for the week of prayer and fasting.This F word has been a major thorn in my flesh for decades and I so wish I could be delivered from it.Obviously NOT food itself but my unholy addiction to overeating and my sugar addiction.This week I have decided to fast till Thursday evening ...I am not doing a water only but allowing myself hot and cold drinks...and I am also fasting from telly and fiction.

Strangely enough it hasn't been a huge problem today with not eating but the need to read during the day and to watch telly late evening has proven to be the difficult things.I have always been an avid reader and have a reputation among family and friends to be able to read a book in a couple of days and if exceedingly good will read it in one sitting.!! This has always been due to my hearing difficulty as watching telly holds no pleasure for me if a programme has no subtitles...so over the years I have got very used to reading as a hobby. Telly watching has not been too addictive but I love crime shows and usually about 9 ish I will watch at least a couple of shows...I never tape programmes and we don't have all the fancy Sky Plus etc ..so if I don't watch it then its gone and not a problem.

Today has been a day where I have picked up several Christian books that have languished over last month and also the Bible and spent time reading and meditating . I have also spent time with 5 lovely friends who came round to stand with me in prayer and intercede on behalf of Cat and Nick. I feel incredibly blessed that they took time out of their busy day to come over and pray with me...and felt Gods presence as we shared and prayed and read Gods word. What an encouragement.

Tonight has seen the first of the church prayer times and it was so good to hang out with the community of believers what I am part of ..to worship..to pray...to share Gods word...I am intent on seeking God this week...for myself...for Chris...for my family..friends ...but mostly I am intent on seeking God for HIMSELF....I am intent on seeking a fresh revelation of His character...a deeper appreciation of Jesus and all He did for me on the cross...a fresh infilling of Gods Holy Spirit so that I may grow and mature and know the power to live a life of Godliness.

One of the books I am reading this week is by Susanna Foth Aughtmon and in the chapter entitled "I don't feel lovable " she says this:

If you want a brother or sister in Christ to keel over on command....when they ask how you are ....just reply.." I have been loathing myself in small increments today. If I could crawl out of my skin I would . I wish I was anyone but myself. I am not sure why God loves me . I can barely stand myself."

For me this rang true as I have not had a good day...apart from the hour when my friends were round I have felt on edge..narky...tearful....miserable....!( possibly as a result of fasting and sugar withdrawal ) I felt that the conversations I have had haven't been too great and that I may have upset people...I have felt very "touchy" and in fact if I am honest I have been feeling this for more than just today and possibly for weeks. Conversations I have had...in all sorts of places and with all sorts of people have been misread or misunderstood and I have had to battle constantly with feelings of anger ..resentment and fear...and had to force myself to keep going when everything in me has wanted to turn tail and run.

Today and this evening it has been good for me to just admit these feelings to God..admit again that I am a sinner....ask for forgiveness..ask for His cleansing ..ask for His Holy Spirit to again fill me and enable me to stand firm once again. Fasting certainly concentrates the mind...focus-es your thoughts on Him and in turn as I invite God to shine His light into my heart and spirit and show me what He wants to change in my life . I have the feeling this week may well be a week where I am in the spotlight !

F is for Finally....I am heading off to bed shortly...I feel physically "edgy" but know this is just my body saying..feed me....and my prayer is that as I have fed myself today on spiritual food that the physical body will quiet down and get some rest so I can continue the battle tomorrow. God bless you as you perhaps walk this week in fasting and prayer along with me.

Saturday 16th January F is for First

2010-01-16T12:24:00.004Z

Happy New Year...hasn't it been a weird couple of weeks with all the snow and interrupted life ??. But hopefully we will all return to some semblance of normality from now. It seems as if half of January has gone already and by the time we re-schedule all the cancelled arrangements it will be February.

So....F is for First....first blog of the year...cant quite believe its been a year since I started blogging !! This is just a short entry to say that
F is also for Fasting and as a church community Simon has called us to a week of Prayer and Fasting beginning on Monday and running through to Friday. There will be meetings each evening when we gather together and pray and I hope to see some of you there.

I am also aiming to fast from TV and Fiction novels for the week as I want to jumpstart the delay I seem to have had on getting started afresh this year and get myself focus-ed again on God and what lies ahead for me as an individual and Chris and I as a couple...both within our family and also with the church community God has planted us in.

F is also for Focus...I have also felt prompted to spend some specific time praying for Cat and Nick...you may remember they are continuing on a journey to have a baby and begin their IVF treatment on Friday 22nd January ( I am believing the timing of this to be strategic as it is the end of a week when much prayer will be sent up to heaven ) and with this in mind I have invited some friends round to pray with me specifically for Cat and Nick at various times during the week of prayer. I wish I could say that I pray well when on my own but in all honesty I find I pray better when with others. If you haven't yet had an email from me with days and times and would like to come and stand with me then email or leave a comment and I will let you know details. It will also be an hour when you can bring your own specific requests to God and know there are others standing shoulder to shoulder with you.If you are unable to come and would still like to pray please again let me know and I will send you some bullet point from Cat and Nick and you can perhaps incorporate these into your own week of prayer.

Matthew Ch 21 v.21 says this

Jesus replied.."I tell you the truth,if you have faith and do not doubt,not only can you do what was done to the fig tree but also you can say to this mountain...Go throw yourself into the sea and it will be done.!..If you believe you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

F is for Faith...Focus and Fasting...

Lets believe together...and see whatever "mountains" we are wrestling with ....crumble into the sea as the God who created heaven and earth and raised Christ from the dead is worship-ed ....praised and petitioned .

Thursday 31st December F is for Final

2009-12-31T22:07:00.002Z

F is for Final blog entry of this year and what a year it has been ...I have spent a little time looking back on the blog and re-reading some of it.

Some major highlights and a couple of low valleys but as I have always said right from the beginning...I wanted to be as honest..transparent...and vulnerable as I could as I lived in "The Shadow of Victory ".

I am so grateful for the input from all of you who follow the blog and I have been so privileged to have you also share parts of your own journeys and it has made me realise there is "nothing new under the sun" and many of the struggles I have...you also know something of the same. There is huge security in knowing I am not alone and the journey is all the easier when we travel together.

I am already getting in synch with the new year...the new decade... and have begun to think about some goals..both personal..as a couple and as a family...and for the church community I am honoured to be a part of. I read some ones elses blog today and he listed his personal spiritual aims and it really challenged me to do something similar for myself.Perhaps my first blog of the new decade will be exploring where I would like to see myself grow spiritually.

I remember at the beginning of this blog way back in January that I wrote.."writing is my best chance at happiness"...and I am 100% sure that keeping this blog has opened up more chances and opportunities to reach out and touch happiness than if I hadn't started it. Certainly it has given me more opportunities to share time with others who I may not have spent time with before and for that alone I am so very grateful. There is something very special in spending time with people when we can be "real" without fear of embarrassment ..or rejection..or judging...and I believe the blog had facilitated that .I have also been blessed with connecting afresh with "old" friends who have got in touch through the blog and that has also been an incredible joy.

So...F is for Final....but only for this year..I will be back with more F words in 2010...let me leave you with these words from Gods word.

Hebrews Chapter 12 ....Therefor,since we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses ,let us throw of everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles ,and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus,the author and perfecter of our faith,who for the joy set before him endured the cross,scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the Father.

Thursday 18th December...F is for Fred..and other Fs

2009-12-17T20:50:00.005Z

F is for Fred.....but before I go onto this amazing F...let me say a heartfelt thank you to those of you who follow my blog...comment on it..and email me...I have read and re-read all the comments and taken on board all that has been said. It was also very special to actually meet up with several of you who have said that the blog has helped you enormously on your own journeys....and of course sharing a coffee and cake is always a great idea. I am pretty sure I will continue to blog...I still wonder where I would be and how I would be this last year if I had not started this blog.I find it still to be "my best chance of happiness". I am especially grateful for the comments and emails that CJ sends me...he is the one who knows me inside and out and every word I write is shared with him as part of our life together.

So...F is for Fred.I am pretty sure that none of you know Fred...simply because he lives in Chicago.! F is for Fred and his lovely wife Doris were our hosts when we had our trip to Willow Creek conference and we shared a lovely week in their home. If ever you want to know the true meaning of the gift of hospitality then ask me more about our stay. From the moment we arrived to the day we left we felt as if we were VIPs and their care of us was amazing. They cooked delightful meals and offered us their home and prayed for us on a daily basis Their humour was subtle and sometimes downright slapstick. F is for Fred ..still brings a smile to my heart . They are both "retired" inasmuch that they have a small business they run from home...they volunteer in the Hospitality Ministry and host several times a year...In their kitchen / family room they have a centrepiece of small national flags and place a new one for every different nationality they have to visit. F is for Fred serves several days a week in the Seeds Bookshop at Willow and whilst we were there we watched him for a few minutes as he entered into conversation with some delegates and he couldn't do enough to get them what they wanted.

F is for Fred and Doris are who Chris and I want to be like when we grow up..their warmth and humour and love of visitors combined with their genuine interest in us as people ensured that any doubts we had about being strangers disappeared within the first few hours. Even now after a few months back in England F is for Fred still FBs me at times and after my last blog entry he emailed me with some insight. I love the insight given to me from afar with none of the strings sometimes attached from those who we mix with on a day to day basis. I also have learned to respect and listen very closely when the elders amongst us speak into our lives...F is for Fred isn't that much older in years but I seem to think he is decades ahead of us in Godly wisdom.

F is for Fred's email brought some scripture from

Ephesians Ch 6 verses 10-20...well known words about the armour of God

He goes on to share with me some thoughts from a talk at Willow between Bill Hybels and Dr.B (Dr B is Bills mentor)...these two Godly and wise men talk about being transparent within community and how the soldiers referred to in these verses would have had 2 shields...the smaller one would be to deflect fiery arrows and the larger one would be used to link together with the other soldiers to form a rank of solid protection against the enemy. F is for Fred encouraged me also to ...stand firm that there is a time for battle and there is a time to stand firm as referred to in these verses.

So...I am going to "stand my ground"...and ensure I have both my shields in place and keep on blogging .

F is for yet another F word...in fact two F words

Full and Final If you have been following the financial journey of the Mooneys you will know that we have an IVA and for last few weeks we have been praying that God would enable us to offer a Full and Final payment to close it. After lots of negotiations with our IVA case manager we were told we could offer 10,000 and it was pretty certain the remaining creditors would accept this as a Full and Final. We honestly kinda shelved this and half heartedly prayed. Simon Benham our senior pastor encouraged us to "raise the bar" and ask God outright for the amount we needed. Several of our friends agreed that they too would ask God. Well....God answers prayers and we received an offer from a third party (who doesn't want to be named ) and we heard for definite this week that as soon as the monies are transferred then we will receive a completion certificate and be officially debt free. What can we say...words seem so inadequate to express our amazement that the God who created the universe...who gave His precious son Jesus...who can heal the sick and raise the dead has sovereignly intervened in our lives. We stand in awe of His grace..His mercy...His love..His provision ..His promises....perhaps you will stand with us for moment and send a shout of thanks and praise heavenwards.

Tuesday 8th Dec F is for Feelings part two

2009-12-08T17:06:00.003Z

Still waffling on about F is for Feelings and I find myself wondering a lot about feelings and blogging. I have been blogging since January this year and I guess I have been pretty open and honest about who I am and what I think...feel..and do...It has been a journey of discovery and some of you have shared your own journeys with me and encouraged me to continue.

There was a spate of negative comments/emails that after some deliberation I didn't publish as I came to the conclusion that if I didn't find them helpful then anyone else reading them wouldn't either.It has been a year of so much happening in every area of life and one that has brought some amazing answers to prayer as well as some prayers that are still on our lips.

I chatted with someone at weekend and we talked about how the blog had made it so much easier for friends to keep up to date with the Mooney happenings and for myself it meant I didn't have to be super jolly or wear a mask and it gave me the freedom to be just generally "not fine".

So...it is with some trepidation that I write this entry and ask the question...have I been too open?..too honest?..too vulnerable?.... I am asking myself the "have I shot myself in the foot " kinda question?. SB preached a sermon last week and spoke about the series he is planning on for the New Year...I think he is basing it on The Beatitudes and is calling it "Recovery". He made the point that many of us find our lives like a rollercoaster and we can go up and down and he was praying that this series would help us to be on an even keel. I listened to that and didn't think too much about it other than to think..."oh sounds good...look forward to that in new year". Later that day a friend in conversation said to me..."the new sermon series sounds Tailor made for you "....we carried on talking but after a couple of minutes I asked her what she meant .

Her reply really shocked me...she said that reading my blog over last few months had made her realise how "wobbly" my Christian walk was and how much I seemed to need some "propping up ". To be honest I was so hit between the eyes that I couldn't even make any kind of response and she obviously thought that what she said wasn't any big deal and walked off......I have been following Christ and laying my life before Him for nearly 25 years and I am the first to hold my hand up and say ...yep...I have had my struggles BUT I have never for one minute stopped walking...or stopped following...or stopped believing....or stopped hoping...or stopped asking....or stopped persevering....

In the beginning of my Christian faith...as I came face to face with some huge issues from my childhood I limped and crawled in the spiritual realm and certainly needed loads of "propping" and could certainly relate to being "wobbly" and I am forever grateful for incredibly supportive friends at that time who prayed and encouraged both Chris and I as we came through some very tough times. My perception of my Christian walk at the moment is that I am aiming to live it with the following scriptures in my head...heart..spirit and soul...

I lift up my eyes to the hills...from where my help comes from...
But my eyes are fixed on you.....
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus ..the author and perfecter of our faith.....
The testing of your faith produces perseverance.....
Let us run the race set before us.....

and many more scriptures that talk about how hard it can be to keep on keeping on.....

This conversation happened not long after another friend had shared with me her feelings and thoughts about something I had said and done that had given her some concern about my attitude and that the way I had reacted to something had surprised her.....and so when two people tell me in two different unconnected ways that they are concerned then I must do what a wise man said to me years ago.....I must search for the "nugget of truth" in what has been said to me.

My conclusions are that.....for this last year in every sphere of my life...I have tried to be honest and when I am not "fine" to say it if asked.....I have worn masks for far too long and have found it liberating to learn to live with who I am and with the people who I call friends I have lived a fairly open book type of life. For me...the "up and down rollercoaster " kind of existence I may have shared about in the blog is different from my faith. No matter what has happened in the emotional realm of my life my spirit has remained unshaken and in fact the honesty with myself and others has also opened up a new depth and dimension to my times with God...

One of my favourite books in The New Testament...
Hebrews Ch.4 verse 13 says this....

Nothing in all creation is hidden in Gods sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.

For too long I would try and hide my real feelings from God but using the blog and opening up to others has laid me bare and something supernatural has happened through that even if at times my emotions are rollercoasting down the long straight my faith is rock solid and tangible and my eyes are ever fixed and focus-ed on Him.

I will look forward to SBs series in the new year....not because I think it will have special significance for me...I like to think every sermon series I hear has got some significance for me anyway...but because like everyone I need to be encouraged and given tools with which to deepen my faith and to give me the strength that we all need to keep walking..keep running..keep persevering..keep asking..keep believing....keep praying...keep hoping.....

I am not 100% certain whether I will continue to blog....or whether I may keep it private ...My feelings are such that I know that keeping a journal over the years has been an incredible help to me in dealing with "stuff" but whether I continue to go public is a question I will be praying about in these last few weeks of 2009. This has been one of the toughest years I have had for some time and I have no real assurance that 2010 will be any better.....but I know this blog has been a huge part of surviving it with my faith intact and my relationships deeper than ever before so I can see the huge benefits blogging has.....and a small part of me hopes that perhaps I have been of some help to others in helping them to identify wth some of my wafflings....

To finish this entry....my emotions are fairly fragile at present and I am finding that tears are never far from spilling over and I am working hard at maintaining my make up.!!....but please know that " I know that my Redeemer lives " and I have assurance that "He will never leave me nor forsake me "

Thursday 3rd Dec F is for Feelings

2009-12-03T16:11:00.004Z

The F word has so many different forms and I have played a lot in my mind of different variations...but this blog entry will initially start with F for Feelings but who knows as I waffle on it may end up completely different.Years ago Chris and I went on a Marriage Encounter weekend and I think the first session was all about feelings...the main point was that

"All Feelings are Valid and Valuable"...it is what we do with them and how we allow them to affect us !!

eg...its not wrong or bad to be angry...but if we allow it to take over our life and how we deal with things on an ongoing basis then we need to look at how we can deal with it.

I learned a lot over that weekend ....much of which has come back to me over this last year.As a Christian I have laboured far too long under the false assumption that life should be "fine" and " dandy" and if I am having a tough time then I need to "get sorted"...eg pray...ask God to change me...bless me..help me....or whatever. This can then lead to condemnation as it becomes apparent that even after much prayer...much repentance....much bible study etc...that there are times when I just cant seem to "feel" better about life. For way too long this has also led me to believe that F is for Failure I cant even begin to tell you the hours and days I have spent with this F...at times I thought it was my middle name!! and even the odd times when I thought it was my first name too!!I can remember one instance at a Stoneleigh bible week when one of my kids was in trouble and the leaders involved came to talk to us ...I look back on that time as one of the toughest we had ever to deal with and being in the middle of the bible week seemed to make it worse...I felt as if the entire campsite all knew what was going on ( of course that wasn't true)...anyway....I began to cry and took everything that was said as personal confirmation that I had failed big time as a mother....these feelings completely overwhelmed me to the point where I didn't leave my tent for 3 days...( except to go to the loo.!)On one of my quick walks to the loo Ben D caught me ( drat) and he said something which has stuck with me for decades....it was a phrase that one of the speakers had used ..Ken Gott from Sunderland...the phrase is

THE CALLING OF GOD ON YOUR LIFE IS GREATER THAN YOUR FALLING.

and Ben was basically saying to me that ..no matter what had happened with the kid..or whose responsibility it was ..or how I actually felt about it....God had a call on my life. I was so grateful ..not just for his words...but also that people had left me to cry....it can be too easy to just brush things aside and move on with life....but I needed to work things through and come out the other end and then when the time was right God placed Ben in my path outside the loo..!!Ben didn't offer me tissues or try to "make it better"...he just said what he needed to say and left it with me ....and many times in different scenarios that phrase has resonated with me...no matter how much a I mess up...or how much I get over emotional..or how many hours I waste being in an emotional muddle...the call of God on my life is GREATER than my fall

And another F....F is for Fixer in today's culture we are sometimes guilty of being "fixers"....if someone shares about how their life is tough or about how they are feeling about something..we seem to leap into action and try and fix things....have you ever sat with someone and just openly talked about how you are feeling about a certain aspect of your life and before the first tear has dripped off the end of your nose they have handed you a tissue ...hugged you....offered to pray....and thrust a hot cup of tea into your hands. At times I have also been on the receiving end of the "pep talk " you know ..the one that tells you to buck up and be a rabbit or whatever the English version of this is!! And of course there are the occasions when you get told just how much you have to be thankful for....Nothing wrong with any of these Fixes at all but sometimes we just need to get the feelings out into the open before we are "fixed " up.

Okay...I may have exaggerated a little...but you get the gist of what I am saying. Its almost as if feeling sad...or anxious..or overwhelmed...or ...whatever is somehow a "must fix now" event. I recognise that if the feelings go on and on and on and begin to overpower then ..yes ..we do need to step in and offer some help ..but there are times when a good cry...a good moan..a good old "get it all off your chest" tirade is actually a good idea. You can pretty much guarantee that hugging someone or handing them a tissue etc will stop the tears pretty quickly and from my own experience if you damn them up they only come back with even greater force at another time.

God gave us our emotions for a purpose....I am totally convinced that every aspect of our emotions...from fear through to joy...covering a multitude and range are all God given and if allowed to be used in the right way can and will serve the right purpose. We see from scripture that Jesus expressed his emotions...he wept...he showed anger...he was overwhelmed at times....he withdrew into solitude (maybe he just needed to get away to deal with his emotions too) and if we are made in Gods image then I guess it is okay for us to express our feelings .

Part of my journey this last year ..through this blog..... has been an emotional one exploring my feelings and writing them down has been such a huge help as I have processed all that has been happening in my life proving again and again that...."writing is my best chance of happiness " and I am grateful to have had a place to just be " me " without fear of rejection or judgement...altho rest assured I have still wrestled with those two.!! I am ever aware that feelings are a tool that if used wisely we can use for our advantage and for our healing and our emotional maturing and also for our character development and for those of us who are Christians they can also change us "from one degree of glory to another " The reverse is also true in that the enemy who is "prowling like a lion seeking to devour us " we at times need to be asking God to help us to bring them under HIS control.

F is also for Finally and if you have been following all the ups and downs and twists and turns of the Mooney money saga then you will know that the dreaded word "redundancy" has reared its ugly head again.This time it isnt only just a rumour ....Chris has now recieved offical notification that "consultations " will be taking place the week beginning 14th December and rather than make this blog a long and boring explanation of what my feelings are ( which I will blog about another time )...I will close this now with a plea...please pray for us . Thank you .

Sunday 22nd November F is for Family

2009-11-22T18:16:00.002Z

F is for family and I am so incredibly blessed with family....both the natural and the spiritual families that are such a big part of my life.This last couple of days I have had the pleasure and joy of having almost every member of our little posse around me. Mike our eldest was here over weekend doing a fireworks display in Reading and he rang Thursday to say could he and Debs...(his partner) come and stay for the 2 nights.This prompted us into action and quick texts and calls to Cat..Nick..Andrew and Limara to see what everyone had planned and we ended up with a lovely combination of us all at various times over the weekend.

Mike and Debs live in Northampton with Mathilda (9) and Alfie the pooch (who is best friends with Oskar our pooch )and we aim to see them all every few weeks but like most families nowadays it can be difficult to get everyone in the same place at the same time. As they all grow older and build their own lives and commitments and their own friendships and have other families to consider too in the case of in laws etc we always treasure the times when we get all of them together.

We couldnt get all 8 of us in the same place at the same time....so this time we had a game of two halves....we had a lovely coffee and cake at Holme Grange and a muddy walk with both dogs at Heathlake with Debs, Cat and Nick whilst Mike was away all day setting up the fireworks. Then we had Andrew, Limara and Debs for our trip to Reading...with a look around the shops for Christmas ideas and a beer in The Slug and Lettuce before watching the display in the pouring rain.!! To top it all off ....a big night out for the gang at McDonalds at Mill Pond...Big Tastys and and chocolate milk shakes all round.!!..No expense spared for the Mooney gang.!!Such a simple weekend...no great amount of money spent but a real richness in the laughing and interaction going on between us all.

F is for Family...I love my family...I love my kidsLet me count the ways.

I love the way in which they chatter and giggle amongst themselves.
I love the fact that Chris and I can just sit and watch them having time together and relax in knowing that they have grown into being friends as well as being siblings.
I love the way that they tease one another.
I love the way in which they allow us to tease them.
I love the way in which their partners have brought a new dimension to the family Mooney.
I love the way they walk ahead of us at times and I see them holding hands.
I love to see the way in which they whisper to one another a secret that they don't want us to know...especially at this time of year when pressies are being discussed.!!!
I love the way that they ask about what is going on in each others lives and show and interest in how they all are.
I love to watch the odd kiss and hand brushing their partners cheek.
I love the knowledge that their relationships are strong
I love sitting watching telly with them..reading magazines...eating McDonalds...drinking beer ..knowing that money cant buy what we share.
I love the knowledge that all of our own kids have their names written in the book of life along with our son in law Nick (and Debs and Limara are on our prayer list )and our constant plea is that God would call our sons back into a real and vibrant relationship with Him.
I love the way in which they still seem like little kids...Limara giving Andrew a piggy back in the Mall car park lets you know just how silly the Mooneys can be.!!
I love that despite all the mistakes Chris and I made as parents (and still make ) that out wee family is still intact.In today's culture when so many families have had fall outs and one half don't speak to the other and siblings don't speak to each other or kids don't visit their parents I feel especially blessed.
I love the scripture that says "her children will arise and call her blessed " Proverbs 31 verse 28 I always used to wonder what this scripture meant...and although I am no scholar I believe that when my kids get together with us and we have time as we have done this weekend that I feel "blessed"...and I think that this may express some of this verse in our lives. Many years ago we had a giggle in our family when we were sitting at our meal and talking about this scripture and without any prompting all three of them got up and bowed to me and kept saying " blessed " "blessed" " blessed"...it became a sort of family/mummy joke for a few months after.

F is for Family and I am thankful to God today for this last couple of days where we were able to be a family again and to know that warmth and ease that comes from just being able to be ourselves. Family is such an important part of my life and looking back on my own childhood and family I am constantly amazed that out of the wreckage of my own past.... Chris and I have created a relatively close and loving family and I can only say it is God and His grace...mercy..love and forgiveness that has enabled us to experience this.

Wednesday 18th November F is for Full and Final

2009-11-18T17:52:00.003Z

Well.....after an exchange of emails with out IVAs IP/account manager there may be a glimmer of hope somewhere in the tunnel we seem to have been in for so long. IVAs can be finished early with what is called a "full and final" one off payment...we had worked out ours would need to be just under 15,000 but today after discussing it with him he informs us that it could be as little as 9,500....this is so much less than we thought and has brought a surge of hope into our almost depleted and defeated spirits.

Its been a bit like the long haul up the Pepsi Max in Blackpool..(not speaking from experience I might add )...the hanging on tight ....and to some extent the shutting of our eyes and the not wanting to look in case we panic. Yet now....we are asking ourselves....is the end in sight....dare we begin to hope...dare we begin to ask...dare we begin to pray...dare we begin to believe?????

F is also for "freedom"...God gave His precious son so that we would be set free from sin...set free from guilt ...set free from shame...set free from condemnation.....is this freedom within our grasp...??

Isaiah chapter 61 verse 1 says this

"The spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me because the Lord has appointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted...to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners."

Being in debt is like being in prison.....when we entered the IVA it was a court ordained process and to some extent we were "sentenced" to 5 years hard labour to pay for our "sin" of getting into debt!! We are in many respects very grateful to have this as it provided us with an escape and also gave us the means in which we could pay back as much as we could......but the close supervision that the IP has over your finances and your lives is so very like being captive...Each year the review examines your income and expenditure and negotiations are required for every increase needed and we have to justify things like pet insurance and new tyres for car . It is a long and dark 5 years and the thought of being able to perhaps finish it early has given us a shred of hope.

The chapter quoted above is titled in my bible "The Year of the Lords Favour" and I wonder if 2010 will be a year for us to know Gods favour in this one aspect of our lives. We are so very aware of Gods favour in many ways and so aware He has placed us in this amazing community of believers where we can be open and honest and know acceptance and encouragement.

Thank you to those of you who have sent comments and emails ...your ongoing encouragement and love crosses any divide I may feel about being in debt.I am also incredibly humbled and grateful that some of you have shared your own personal situation which has allowed me to feel that I am not alone.

Tuesday 17th November F is for Finances and Future

2009-11-17T21:59:00.002Z

Its me again .....and feel free to ignore these F word posts if they bore you...I cant switch off my head...do you ever get like that?? "busy head " I call it when the thoughts go round and round and no matter what you do you cant switch it off. I have even resorted to going to bed to see if sleep would help but have only dozed and woken up with a splitting "busy head " Chris came home from work and I just cried into his shoulder and snotted on his jumper..am I the only one who does this??

We talked over dinner about what we would do "if"...so many "ifs"...the "if " word is almost as worrying as the " f" word . We looked at each and every scenario and asked each other all the kinds of questions that are usually reserved for anyone else but us. I had coffee with FL today and we talked it all through and the whole issue of "its not fair" came up and why is that things happen. I know for us we are only following through on the biblical principle of "you reap what you sow"..we got ourselves into this mess over a long period of time and therefore its only right that we should take the time to honour the debt and pay off as much as we can . I understand and accept that 100%...I haven't for one second thought ...this isn't fair ....

My biggest struggle is the lack of control and not knowing what the future holds for us...The F word stands also for Future...add to that the "if " word...and the two of these combined is enough to throw me slipping and sliding off the "rock" and cause me to blink and wink and squeeze eyes tight shut thereby causing me to take my eyes off of God.

We have made some decisions as both of us find that the actual decision making process brings some element of control and even a smidgen of control is so much better when hanging on for dear life. We have contacted our IP and asked what are the circumstances needed for us to make a full and final payment and what kind of offer we would have to make to end the IVA early and depending on what he says we will look at whether this is a viable option for us. By our own calculations we think it may be around 14,000.

If you consider me your friend or even just that you read my blog..please can I ask you to pray for us...I may seem on the outside to be coping and you may even see me smiling and serving and working...but to quote a very old and favourite song ...

"behind a painted smile..the tears of a clown ..when theres no-one around"

I met with TM last night for mentoring and we had a revelation from one of the scriptures.....you know when you read something and it just leaps out of the page and enters into your spirit? well ...it has been settling into my heart most of the day.Take a look at 1 Corinthians chapter 6 ....the entire chapter seems to be constantly saying

"Do you not know"

and today its as if God has been saying to me...do you not know..do you not know..do you not know..

I know that for me I need to hang on to the word of God...the Psalm I am meditating on is Psalm 25 and there is so much in there that I know God wants to use to speak strength to me and give me the ability to hang on in there...

verse 1 says...To you O Lord I lift up my soul in you I trust
verse 3 says .....No-one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame

It is in "His word" that I know I need to find rest and seek peace .....and for the moment I am "hiding in the shadow" of His wings....with nothing else to hang on to except His Word.......It is late and I am off back to bed in the hope that my busy head will slow down.......

Monday 16th F is for Finances

2009-11-16T16:02:00.004Z

F is for Finances and F is for Faith....and we are on a journey that seems to be never-ending and at times resembles a roller coaster of immense proportions. To recap...we are in the 4th year of our IVA and for the last year or so Chris has his safe secure employment of 30 years turned upside down by Anacomp going into administration.We had months of not knowing what would happen and the threat of redundancy hanging over us to then find that Formscan had bought it over. We breathed deep and thanked God for continuing to care for us and sighed relief into our praises and reminded ourselves that God

"would never leave us or forsake us" and that "the plans He has for us are not to harm us but to prosper us ".

And so....6 months on we have just heard that Formscan has lost its major client and that cutbacks are on the cards and as the TUPE regulations under which Chris transferred all his conditions of employment etc has now run out we are once more faced with the possibility of redundancy. This in itself isn't the huge threat..but for our IVA it could the death knell and could bring us to the point of failing it and/or having to go bankrupt and/or losing our house. We are once again on the roller coaster and hurtling into the unknown..( just for the record...I don't do roller coasters of any description!)Add to this my own employment situation..as I am self employed I have to trust that the income I earn will always be there..but I have no guarantee that this will be the case..so between the two of us we are once more hanging on tightly to a white knuckle ride.

I have long since stopped worrying about bankruptcy...God is God and whatever happens here in our lives .....He will never change and we can always trust that whatever happens to us will ultimately be in His hands.This is something we have learned this last 3 years...

FAITH..is the F word for our Finances

One of the things I am struggling with isn't Faith for our Finances its the whole issue of being unable to be free to "give ". It has been highlighted more than usual this last few days as we have been to a CAP fundraiser..( CAP...Christians against Poverty ) and they were looking to raise 140,000 in one evening..there were approx 400 people there and I guess most of them were the big givers that are a huge part of CAPs fundraising . The guy who was speaking talked a bit about how much they wanted to raise etc and then he said..."some of you may only be able to give as little as 250.00 but some of you may be able to give 1000.00 and more "..Chris and I looked at each other and just thought "oh dear..the little bit of cash we had brought with us was so pitiful".....Then on Sunday at church we had a gift day for the work we are involved with in Serenje and the little we had to give seemed so small .

Ben Davies used to quote from

Proverbs 22 verse 7.." and the borrower is servant to the lender"

and it is at times like this that we realise just how true that verse is !!..We are unable to tithe and we have lost the freedom to use the little money we do have spare each month without a great deal of thought. Gone are the days when we could spontaneously go away for a weekend or buy an outfit and certainly as seen this last weekend we are severely hampered in our ability to respond to giving to the causes we are involved with. We have 680.00 going out each month to our IVA paying off debts and have done so for over three years with the prospect of a further two years still to go and this would more than cover our tithe as well as
"free" money with which we could engage more in the areas we would like to give to.

Ben Davies preached on Sunday and asked people who wanted to be "risky givers" to come forward for prayer..we went forward and Simon prayed for us .He prayed about the guilt we still sometimes feel about our situation and asked God to release us again from the feelings of shame and that we would know Gods peace.He also prayed that we would have money come in supernaturally....my prayer at times has always been that God would provide us with enough money to offer what is called a "full and final" offer to the IVA to finish it off early. I am once again prompted to pray for this lump sum to come in but if not....then our prayer is that we remain in secure employment at least until we are able to be debt free in September 2011 ........
I am longing for that day when we have paid off all our debts and we are free !!

Two things to finish of this blog entry....

1)we did give to CAP and Serenje and actually felt really peaceful about it...we have learned over the years that God look at our hearts and our spirit and one major thing Ben Davies has taught us over the last 25 years is that we shouldn't feel under compulsion to give and that God wants us to be "cheerful " givers....so our small amount went into both the offering baskets with a smile !!
2)When Chris heard about what was happening at his work he talked to his boss and explained about the debt and IVA and his boss was incredibly sympathetic and said he would keep that in consideration over next few months as they seek to work through the cutbacks. He said he would do all he could even if it meant cutting him to a 3 or 4 day week etc... I am just so proud of my gorgeous hubby that he had the guts to admit to his boss our situation..it isn't easy to be so open and vulnerable outside in the big world of business.

So...here I go again...not knowing what the future holds ..I wish I was so mature to have that "what will be.....will be " attitude but to be honest I know I will have to hang on the F word tightly as we wait to hear what is going to happen in next few months. Please keep loving us encouraging us and praying for us...we are so grateful.

Friday November 13th The " F " Word

2009-11-13T09:11:00.005Z

I am moving on to a different set of blog entries and they will all be focus-ed on

The " F " word.....

F stands for a variety of words that are affecting my life and possibly yours and so I hope you will continue to journey with me over the next few weeks.

My first word is FAITH and I guess this will underpin all the other F words I come up with as it is the solid rock formation of my Christian life.The bible says so much about Faith....I just checked the concordance and there are so many great Faith verses upon which I could base this blog entry. When I first started my blog (way back in January ) I quoted the chapter from Hebrews ... That amazing collection of faith verses that begins with verse 1

"Now Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" and yet this chapter is sandwiched in between this verse and one of the last verses which says this

"These were all commended for their faith yet none of them received what they had been promised."

I waver all the time between these two verses....and I guess this is why my blog is called " The Shadow of Victory"...I know all about living the life of faith...fighting the good fight ..believing the promises of God...and yet knowing that many of the promises have not yet been fulfilled. There is something comforting about living "in the shadows"...something peaceful...something safe...something secure.

Just to give you a taste of where I am going in the next few entries ..here is a list of F words...if you can think of any more..let me know and I can blog away to my hearts content working my way down the list!!

Finance,Fasting,Friends,Family,
Fun,Fat,Food,Fear,Facebook,
Fellowship,Fight,Feelings,
Fall,Father,Finish,Focus,
Follow,Freedom,Future,

So.....Faith..underpins everything..it is the basic solid foundation of all that I am and all that I would aspire to be...walk with me on this wonderful faithfilled adventure called LIFE.!!

November 5th ONE IN EVERY NINE

2009-11-05T19:00:00.004Z

Its fireworks season and my gorgeous man is off for days and nights on end with the fireworks so I have lots of free time...for "free" read .....bored !!...Mike our eldest son is here too as he also does this and I believe that Cat and Nick are also doing a display this coming Saturday...so it becomes a real family affair...but NO..I have no plans to suit up in the red boiler suits and lug giant shells around for hours. It did come in very handy when the kids were little because we used to get free invites to all the best displays.

Last night I was involved in CAP WEDNESDAY....CAP is a national charity..."Christians Against Poverty " and one of the centres is based in our church...This is an organisation devoted to helping people get out of debt.(see Kerith.co.uk for more details.) This evening was to highlight the work of CAP and to hopefully get new volunteers to come on board. I have been helping the team in the role of "blessings " This is an amazing role and I absolutely love doing it...we have a sum of money made available every month to simply bless people...so I get to spend money that's not my own and give out lovely pressies in the form of vouchers or flowers or choccies...what fun it is .

AJ ..who is the centre manager gave out some statistics which really resonated with me...he states that "one in every nine households" has serious debt problems...you can google debt statistics and get some other quite frightening numbers about house repossessions and bankruptcy. AJ also quotes from the bible about how we should not neglect the poor and we saw a dvd about people who had worked with CAP and were now on their way to being debt free and also heard from someone in our own community who is working with CAP to get debt free.

As most of you who read my blog may know Chris and I are on our own journey to getting debt free and roll on August 2011...but the evening made me think .!!

CAP talks a lot about the "poor" and often the media gives out this stereotype of only "poor" people get into a mess.... I then think about the "one in nine " statistic that is quoted and if this is true then count the number in your street or road and think that behind every 9th door someone may be struggling or look around the church on a Sunday morning and count off every 9th person or family.....or check out the preschool mums or the cubs and brownie families you may know...every 9th family could already be in trouble.

I have had an 18mth involvement with a national debt forum and been involved in a couple of get togethers and shared stories of how we got into our messes with people in similar situations as us and I can honestly say that none of us would have been perceived as "poor"...Lets face it when you ask what is your perception of "poor" people..you think of lower income...rented houses...not being able to eat regularly...children being cold ....hungry and ill clad.....and altho this is true that people who are unfortunate enough because of their life circumstances are actually "poor"...we also need to wake up to a whole new category of people who are in debt.!

You see...Chris and I have always owned our own home ..had good jobs ...driven two cars...had three children who never knew what it was to be hungry..cold or ill clad and from the outside looking in you would never have called us poor or thought we were in debt.As you cast your eyes over your friends or folk in your life..would you know if they were in debt..would you be able to spot the one in nine??? We...and I say this as the "royal collective we" must be open to those who we would least suspect of being in financial trouble being "safe" enough to admit it.For us..we had been in our IVA for almost 2 years before we told anyone. You see....you may be able to spot a "poor person" but can you see past the exterior of those who still seem okay. I think I would be correct in saying that 17mths ago as we began to open up and tell people there was a fair amount of shock and surprise and in fact last night as I shared a little bit about our own situation with the group I could see puzzlement and surprise on several faces of those who know me.

At the end of the meeting I spoke to a lovely woman who had made her own journey with CAP and got debt free...losing her home in the process and she shared with me she had got back into debt again through no fault of her own and had experienced immense shame and embarrassment and didn't want to admit it to anyone . I could identify with her so much it felt like she was "talking my talk"....We hide behind our coping masks for fear that others may judge us and that is not only a debt feeling it is many things we struggle with..some of which I have talked about in previous blogs.

On the national forum there are daily posts from people who talk about their shame and their deep fear of people finding out about their situation..some who are in marriages where the partner doesn't even know about the debt..some who have lost everything..marriages wrecked...lost jobs....some who would never tell their friends or their families...and there is a community of people who function online and become virtual friends giving each other acceptance and support. For myself I used the support of the forum for almost a year ...sharing my deepest feelings with people I only knew from the Internet and occasional meetings. Many of these people never tell anyone and travel the road to debt freedom totally isolated and alone. However ....as Simon ..our pastor began to create and encourage open-ness and a culture of vulnerability we felt able to begin to share with others our situation....and altho I still log on and occasionally post on the debt forum I have been able to get support and a level of acceptance from friends and family. I am eternally grateful to the experts on the forum and the friends I made who helped me to see that there was life beyond debt.

To be very honest....I still feel as if people wonder how on earth we ever got into this situation...and to be honest I wonder about that myself too. I spent a year blogging about it on the national forum and have actually downloaded it and maybe one day I will share some of it here...you may think I have been open and vulnerable here...but you would need to read some of that years entries to really understand what it is like to be in debt....there is something amazingly secure about sharing with people who you will probably never "do life with "..but more than that it was the feeling that the ones who were able to access and read that blog were people who were in similar situations and could identify with me and certainly never would judge me.

One thing that also is becoming more and more prevalent is the actual amount of personal debt...with the advent of interest free credit cards and consolidation loans...gone are the days when it was few hundred pound on an overdraft...in fact some people I know have overdrafts and think nothing of it....some people I know have credit cards and don't always pay the balance of every month ...some people I know have cars on a bank loan and don't worry about it....Most of these people wouldn't even think of themselves as being "in debt"...lets face it..how many actually add up the 8,000 car loan to the 2000.00 overdraft to the 5,000 credit limit...someone once said

"if you can service your loans etc you aren't in debt"...

Ha Ha Ha....We serviced our various loans for years until one day we realised we were paying more in interest every month than we were in balances...was it only then we were "in debt"....NO..we were in debt for years... and years..and years ..servicing and servicing the dratted things.!!

I am so sorry to go on and on about this...but I believe we are only seeing the tip of the iceberg in our community both in the church and outside in our local community and I can see that CAP and the work in our church centre will explode in the coming year as more and more people wake up to the realisation that their debt is debt.!! My challenge to us all...myself included is .....who are the "poor"...and is it only our preconceived stereotype we are looking to help..and is this label of "poor" acting as a barrier for folk like Chris and I to ask for help....or to admit to needing help... We actually set up our IVA before CAP was set up in our church but I have often asked myself if we would have approached the CAP centre if it had been open...Hhmmmnnnn...not sure .

If I have 20 plus people who subscribe to this blog then statistically speaking there could be 2 of you in debt.!!...If this is so..can I encourage you to share with me...or with someone you know and trust...God is in the business of setting people free....in every aspect of their lives ....and finances are only one area we can be in chains and never know true freedom....I long for the day when we are debt free...I can see it in the not too distant future...I can feel it in my bones...I know deep down in the depths of my being that debt has shackled me in such subtle and hidden ways that I cant explain and that being debt free will bring a new dimension to my spirit and as such I long for it with all my heart.

Thursday 29th Reflections (2)

2009-10-29T15:58:00.002Z

The wedding was lovely...the outfit eventually came together....the friends / family we spent time with was fabby and apart from the long hours getting there and back it was worth it to spend time with family and friends and be a part of Danielle's special day.Weddings are always lovely ...or at least every one I have attended has been fun and enjoyable and always a great time to have a laugh and some fun. We were booked into same hotel with some folks from church and we did have a laugh....and got to spend time with them too before and after the wedding.

"Doing life " together....somehow or other in the busyness of our lives it can be hard just to take time out to hang out with folk....being away from our own home and town we didn't really have much else to do apart from hang out...and it is in those times that we can relax and just be ourselves....I know that for Chris and I we need to "do life " with folk a lot more than we do....just hanging out over a beer...or a curry....with no agenda...it really was lovely....and so...thanks to Wayne ,Sandra and Gemma....Debbie and Robin....and of course Cat and Nick who didn't really have a choice as we were all in same car.!!

We got home...very tired after long hours travelling and since then all I have wanted to do is growl at everyone.....ggrrrrr.....Life immediately started crowding in.!! Does this happen to others??...after a relaxing time away it seems as if life conspires to "get you " the minute you come back .I have a stack of things to organise..people don't answer emails...meetings had to be re-arranged and cheques don't arrive ....ggrrrrrr....and then when emails are answered they aren't good news.....

AND THEN....

It all falls into perspective as I served in car parking for PNs funeral....all the trivial things in the last few days that have caused me to go...gggrrrr...all fade into insignificance as I watched the family and friends arrive for funeral.I listened to one of his daughters give tribute in such an amazing way...she was so brave and talked about her dad in a loving tribute we could all identify with....I looked at photos of the family...I sang some great songs and altogether mourned and remembered a good man.....

AND SO

I am saddened by my petty-ness and convicted of my bad temper and have spent some time after the funeral just re-adjusting my soul.....I wonder afresh how much God needs to still do in me..the changes I need to allow Him to make ...how slowly I am changing from "one degree of glory to another ". I still want to growl at the trivia going on in my life but know that I am thankful that I live and breathe.I am grateful for scripture that brings hope and life to me when all I want to do is go...ggrrrrrrrr

2 Corinthians ch 5 verse 17 says this..."Therefor if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation...the old has gone and the new has come."

Romans ch 8 verse 1 says this...."therefor there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"

For both these truths I am most incredibly grateful for and perhaps as I let the truth permeate into my soul and spirit I will stop growling....It has been a week of contrasts...from weddings to funerals with all the highs and lows entailed and stuck in the middle of both these holy days has been me and my growling....but tomorrow is another day and with Gods help I can begin afresh with a smile knowing that His mercies are new to me every morning...

October 20th Reflections

2009-10-22T21:00:00.005+01:00

We are all packed and ready to go off to wedding over the weekend. This is no ordinary wedding in that often its a friend or a relative who is getting married.What makes this one so different is that we I have known D S since she was 2yrs old and that is something like 24 years ago if my arithmetic is any good.!! Having been in a great relationship with her parents for the same number of years this weekend is a real celebration. D is a lovely Godly young woman marrying her dream boat. For many years her mum and I prayed..."God save her...God call her to you..God raise her up to be a Godly woman with your values...God bring her right relationships with men/boyfriends...God bring her a Christian husband." and this Saturday I know that her mum and I will have eye contact at some point in the day and in that moment we will silently acknowledge that God answers prayer.

In this last couple of days...as weddings have been uppermost in my mind I have spent some time reflecting on my own daughters wedding and just as Ds mum prayed all those prayers for her so I have prayed the same for Cat and on her special day three and half years ago I was able to say a heartfelt "thank you " to God for answering those prayers. I have also been praying afresh this last 2 years for Cat and Nick and adding somewhat different pleas to the throne.

As I spent time thinking about daughters I thought I would tell you a little bit about mine. Many of you know her and I guess if we sat and compared notes we may even have different thoughts and ideas of who she is and what she is like.!! I am biased in that I am her mum and as everyone knows..."mums are always right"

Cat is our third child and after two sons I was desperate for a girl. I love my sons dearly and agree with the popular saying that we love all our children equally and I do....BUT...for me I love them all the same...yet different..They are three completely different characters and personalities and therefor we all interact in completely different ways.

Of all the children Cat is the most confident and feisty....from a very early age she was extremely determined and her gifting for gymnastics emerged at age 5 and from then right through till she was almost 18 she was an excellent athlete in both gymnastics and then trampolining and had a distinguished career. This gave her excellent grounding in self discipline and ability to lead and gave her supreme self confidence. She doesn't suffer fools gladly and can be quite sharp if faced with people not doing as expected. If Cat wrote a letter for every time something went wrong eg bus services...mobile phone networks...she would have a file 6 inches deep.But it works she has learned how to deal with awkward situations in her work place and after 5 years in same job has a wealth of ability and experience.

But don't be fooled by the confident exterior....perhaps only mum gets to see the small child that sometimes doesn't cope...sometimes feels hurt..sometimes cant understand why...wants to run and hide...Give Cat a "mission"...a task and she will be off before the starting pistol....keep her focus strong and she will target and run.I so admire that about her...determination with a capital D

From a very early age ..if asked what she wanted to be when she grew up she would generally say three things...

1)fall in love ..
2)get married...
3)have babies...

and thankfully she has achieved two out of three...and even more thankfully they are both still following God..serving Him together ..part of the church community...building good relationships and friendships..holding down good jobs....and generally enjoying being husband and wife.Sadly the number three on her wish list isn't yet in her grasp and the journey so far for them both has been one they didn't expect to have to walk and for me as her mum it was never in my plans for her either.

Perhaps the way in which she has developed her self discipline..her confidence...her feistiness...her "mission" focus has all been for "such a time as this " Only God can answer the Why question and only He can grant her that elusive number three.This last week they have embarked on a different journey from the one they would have wanted to be on and yet I can already see her focus sharpening..her determination gaining the upper hand ..perhaps as she can see the way ahead more clearly the hurt and anguish that has been gripping her has lost some of its power.

Perhaps as she looks ahead she can take hold of the scripture...

"The plans I have for you are to prosper you and not to harm you"

Perhaps as she leads worship or praises God the words from songs will take root afresh in her heart and soul....

"Saviour..you can move the mountains"..."Where things impossible by faith shall be made possible"....

Perhaps as she takes each step in this journey she will realise that ....

when there appear to only be one set of footsteps in the sand that it was then that God will be carrying her

I am eternally grateful that God blessed us with three children..each of them in their own way a blessing from the Lord. Not quite a "quiverful" that the psalmist reckons is the Lords blessing but quite enough for us!! I am eternally mystified that someone like me who had one of the mst dysfuntional childhoods ever to be written about has managed to parent and mother into adulthood three fairly well adjusted and useful members of society. I am eternally begging God to call both my sons back into close relationship with Him and I am eternally interceding for God to grant Cat and Nick the gift of a child.

My daughter....who desperately wants to be a mummy....will you join me in prayer as they begin this journey ....Thank you

October 18th Battlefield

2009-10-19T12:01:00.004+01:00

As I blog again this morning I have come to realise once more that life can be a battlefield.!One of the speakers at Willow Creek talked about how he was on a plane and the video monitor in front of him was broken and how for a long while he found himself looking quite intently at his face. Usually when we look in a mirror it is because we are doing something..eg.drying our hair..putting on make up..brushing our teeth and so on. So to look at the reflection with no distractions ..he found a new and disturbing activity.He went on to encourage us to take a half hour or so and just look intently at our face and ask God what is there. I don't think for one second he was referring to the wrinkles or the grey hairs etc but more..what do we think of ourselves and what does God think of us.

So...this morning..feeling replenished and relatively at peace with myself ..I had a relaxing morning...had some tea and toast..lazed around..read some...had a bath..did the stuff women do with razors etc and then took some time to look at myself.I may have gone slightly overboard in that I stood naked for a little bit of time and very quickly got dressed and had a few minutes looking at my face.

I would love to say that this exercise has been beneficial and recommend it to everyone but to be honest I have to confess I now feel like I would like to give up my role in the human race. If I could ..I would crawl into my bed and never get up...I hated every second of it and certainly didn't last more than 10 minutes let alone half an hour. The thoughts that have gone through my mind have almost frightened me....where did they come ?? Not from God that's for sure.!! It has made me so aware of the battle I am in...

What did I see that caused me to shut down so quickly?...apart from the recurring shingles sores that have once more re-appeared on my face...thats twice in 5 weeks...ggrrrrrr......I have endeavoured to be as open and vulnerable in this blog as I can but some of these thoughts I am not able to share. I am not so stupid as to think they have come from anywhere but the "pit" and that they are not the "truth" but boy am I ducking low down to dodge the flack. What I will share are the secondary thoughts that came racing in after I stopped looking. Thoughts like...

Give up...you will never make it
Stop going to church...no-one will miss you
Dont go the Leaders meeting...you are not really a leader..they only tolerate you
Resign from leading Car parking..no-one takes any notice of you anyway
Dont meet with your mentee...you will be useless to her
Miss LifeGroup....you dont get anything from it
Eat yourself silly...you will always be fat
Spend what little money you have ...you will always be in debt
Go back to bed....let people down
Dont go to the wedding at weekend ...your outfit is awful

and so on and so on.....

Life is a battle field...my replenishment bucket is leaking badly this morning...

October 17th Replenishment Strategy 3

2009-10-18T23:16:00.005+01:00

Replenishing my empty bucket is proving to be a desperately needed strategy. There seems to be so much going on all around me..both in my own life and in other peoples lives too that it is a season where I need to ensure I am "full". For one reason and another (mainly car parking.!) I don't get into the worship time in our weekly church meeting too often but this morning I wasn't "on duty" for the first time in 4 weeks so was there for the entire time of worship and it was only after we sat down that I realised just how depleted I had become.

There is nothing wrong with private worship in our homes..nothing lacking in listening to a worship CD...and usually when we worship in Life Group I can connect with God...but there is something hugely different about corporate worship and I was so aware of how God broke into our meeting and brought me once again to gaze at HIM....I think I am slightly biased about our worship team in that I have known many of them since they were kids and have seen them grow into followers of Christ and no-one can know the deep joy I have when my daughter and son in law are part of the team....they all truly are a blessing to our church community.

This morning we sang a couple of songs that led into a "word" that led into a time of response and prayer and it is times like this that replenish my soul. The words from one of the songs ..

"Oh no..you never let go....through the calm and through the storm." and linked to that the words from another one..."the same power that raised Christ from the grave lives in me..lives in me "

As we sang this over and over again I thought about the women I know who are walking through some really tough times... I thought about G.N who had lost her husband in the early hours of the morning...and about S.McM..who had lost her husband two weeks ago....I thought about a friend who is in hospital battling depression...I thought about 2 other friends who are lost and lonely and who have sadly lost sight of their Saviour... I prayed with a couple whose son is in hospital and yet another friend who is facing tough times ahead with financial difficulty..and then my heart turned towards my own life and family and I knew that God was speaking to me through this mornings worship time. Chris and I seem to have been in a "storm " for some time now...the anxiety over his job for months..the stress of our IVA and financial worries...and yet..somehow or other we are still hanging on in there...we know 100% that if we didnt have God to hang onto ..we would have lost the battle a long time ago.

Many of you know about my daughter and son in law and their fertility struggles and over this last 2 years I have had to hold on tight to God as I have walked some painful times with them. All mums know that seeing their children endure pain is the hardest thing to deal with and the emotional pain these "children" are feeling is indescribable...I would do anything to prevent them having to walk this walk....yet I know that God will go before them...walk with them..carry them whenever they need carried and will bring them through. To enable me to be an encouragement and support to them I desperately need to stay replenished and this morning I believe I had an infilling from God for this next wee while.

I sang..."the same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in me " with such faith....if God can raise His precious son from the dead..then He surely can give me the strength I need to walk alongside C and N....and as I sang the words
"oh no...you never let go " I sang them prophetically....God...you will never let me go..."through the calm and through the storm"...I may be heading into a "storm" but God will never let me go.

Reading the word....praying...fellowship...serving....all are a vital part of the replenishment strategy but to worship God is surely one of the most dynamic ways in which we can connect with our Saviour.

and so for the moment....I am replenished.

October 11th Replenishment 3

2009-10-11T23:36:00.005+01:00

I kinda understand about writers who take themselves off to friends houses or disappear from normal life...there is something about being alone that seems to get the brain ticking over...not that I am putting myself into the category of great novel /fiction writers but somehow this last couple of days with Chris being away I seem to have had time to let my thoughts settle. I have also had a weekend free with no work commitments ...apart from serving in car park and somehow I don't think of that as work as I get great satisfaction being there....maybe there is a need in all of us just to be alone....away from the demands of ordinary day to day living and just allow God to refresh and to speak and to bring peace back into our very stretched souls.

I have been reading and listening and praying...I have had time with friends and time alone and somehow or other I have managed to get back up on my feet and stand back on the rock .I have been reading from The Message translation and where before I couldn't get my head round the new-ness of it...I seem to have found my place in it and it almost seems like a bubbly glass of water...it is making me "fizz" if that doesn't sound too silly.

I have also been reading this book..."Get out of that Pit" and wonder why on earth I haven't read it before..it is truly an eye opener of a book..or should I say a "spirit opener". I still think it isn't actually mine so if you have lent it to me please let me know...I would like to underline bits but don't want to deface someone else's book. I have read many books from Christians who have overcome the darkest of childhoods and yet always struggled with the way they write...yet Beth Moore somehow or other has connected with me in a way no other author has. I know that often its not the author or the book but its the timing of when I am actually reading it and it just clicks...so perhaps that is the case here..maybe its Gods perfect timing for me to be reading this book at this particular time but I don't really care..I am just so grateful that I am .

Beth talks about "pits"...describing 3 different pits

1)when you are thrown into one
2)when you slip into one
3)when you jump into one

She describes what a "pit dweller" looks ..feels and acts like... and boy..could I identify with each and every kind of pit and each and every way I have acted.Its the kind of book where you cant fail to identify with something she says....and for me ...if I can identify and connect then there is a good chance that God is speaking to me through the writing.

The chapter I have just read today talks about"getting out of the pit" and I have read it several times as there is such a depth of truth to what she says.I cant recommend this book enough and as part of my replenishment strategy it has been a great start as I already feel as if I am refreshed.

On a completely different note ...I did say a while back that I was thinking of an Open House where those of you who would like to come and hang out and maybe look at an aspect of the blog together...if you are interested please can you email me direct so I can make a date...I know we wont maybe all be free on the same evening but lets see how we go...I am looking at mid to late November before Christmas comes rushing in at us all.

Let me leave you with this...Psalm 103

"Praise the Lord O my soul and forget not all your benefits...who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases ...who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion"

October 10th Replenishment Strategy part 2

2009-10-10T22:02:00.004+01:00

Well.....as Chris is away I seem to be on a bit of a roll with the blog so will just keep on going till I run out of stuff to say..or you all just shut me down.!As I said in last entry about a "replenishment strategy " reading good Christian books was one of the things I planned to do and that I had quite a few books that either I hadn't actually read or that hadn't kept my attention I decided to give one book a try. In fact I am not even sure the book belongs to me so if it is yours please let me know so I can eventually return it.

Its by Beth Moore....and its called "Get out of that pit"

I began to read it today and already I am half way through and so far I am enthralled by her perceptiveness.Do you sometimes read a book and wonder if the author actually knows you or has heard about your life or experiences..well this book is a bit like that.What I really like about her is she talks "straight"..no fancy words or dressing things up..she calls it as she sees it and doesn't take prisoners.Already I can feel God beginning to replenish me and bring me up out of the wee pit I seemed to have fallen into recently.

Another way of replenishment is to be careful who I spend my time with.....and today I spent a couple of hours with F.R....F is relatively new in my life having only known her for a couple of years...but she is someone who takes me "up in her lift" she is an authentic friend who shares deeply..yet is fun and ordinary..not at all super spiritual but often will just pop something out that will make me stop and think.This afternoon we enjoyed a wee walk with our two dogs and just shared about how the Willow Creek conference had affected us...and what we were doing and how we were doing...we had some tea..grapes and chocolate and looked at a couple of scriptures that God had brought alive to us individually and we explored what "bright spots" we had experienced in last few weeks even though both of us had struggled a little over the summer.F also felt God had given her a "word" for me in that He was taking me to the Promised Land....so over next few days I am going to think that through and ask God what He means about that.

I am so aware that some of my friends are going through some tough times and if I am to be any good to them and for them as a friend I need to be filled up...otherwise I will be no use to them either as a support or an encouragement.Today for the first time in a few days I somehow or other feel filled up...getting back to the bible...reading a Christian book...getting out into the fresh air and having a walk ...and lets face it Oskar and Sadie are enough to make even the most depressed and empty person smile as they are just gorgeous pooches....and then just spending an hour or so relaxing and chatting about how we are "in God"...isn't that a good way to be replenished?

To keep you in the picture..the washing machine is still dead...my weight hasn't miraculously gone....I still don't have anything to wear for this jolly wedding...we are still broke and in debt....the IVA is 2 years away from completion...my daughter and her hubby are still not experiencing a miracle...2-3 of my buddies are going through incredibly painful situations...I still have to get up tomorrow and serve in car park as team is yet again short....Chris is still away till Monday...I am still on my own for the weekend..but you know what...

God is good..all the time.

October 10th Replenishment Strategy.

2009-10-10T12:26:00.005+01:00

Chris is away now till Monday lunch time....so I have some time to blog and spend time working out where to go from here. You may have sensed that I have fallen down and some of you may well have actually seen it.!! No I don't mean actually physically falling but witnessed the tears falling in public places. Anne/Iris..I hope you know the fact I ran out of Morrisons instead of sitting and having a coffee with you guys was NOTHING to do with you.The lack of tea bag in the teapot was the last straw for me after a really bad 2-3 days so the tears had to fall....and I just couldnt cope with the idea of having a meltdown in Morrisons..altho that sounds like a song title.!!

I have done some serious thinking and praying this last 48 hours and realise I need a "Replenishment Strategy". If you were at the Willow Creek conference you may have heard Bill Hybels talk about how he was so close to burn out that he felt the Holy Spirit whisper to him " Bill ...I am a little worried about you " and at that moment Bill admitted he too was little worried about himself.

So I guess I have also reached a point where I am a "little worried about me " and I have some serious choices to make to ensure I don't fall down so hard I may never get up again. Bill talks about how as leaders ..(altho this will apply to all of us ) we need to have a full bucket..we cant carry on serving and leading and planning etc without finding our buckets getting empty and that we need to have a replenishment strategy in place . He talked about what he had done to ensure he was getting the God/work/family/personal balance right in his life.

As I have pondered this and looked at where /how/why... ..my bucket was emptying out I found that I had slipped back into old habits and failed to keep myself accountable. With the summer months and all routine going out the window and having the blessings of three holidays in a very short space of time my spiritual routines had virtually gone and we all know what happens when this occurs.At the beginning of the year and this blog I had made some firm boundaries eg.. not reading so many fiction books ( which is I might add my favourite thing to do..reading )and over the summer and on holiday etc I found I had begun again to read my favourite crime novels. Nothing wrong in that..I don't feel this is a bad thing but at the expense of reading Gods word I had once again allowed it to get out out of balance.Over a decade ago JWG gave me a word that "I should be wary of what I put before my eyes" and God brings me back to this time and time again

Bill Hybels talks about "we all need to exercise self leadership " and I had failed to exercise this ...and for the sake of space I will say that this has happened in many areas..not just reading.!! hence all the weight I have gained in last 4 months.

Bill talks about our ministry and what we are doing to serve God.....
he says this
"Is the pace that I am doing the work of God destroying the work of God in me ?"
This really needed some serious thinking....and once again I realised that I had been serving and serving and serving and the replenishment wasn't happening.When I picked up the bible notes that I use ...the July 10th entry ...(yes.. I am that far behind.!!)..talks about the "prayer of exhaustion" and how Moses is pouring out his heart to God..Numbers ch 11 and Moses is just throwing out all these questions to God...Why? ..What?.. Did I ?.. Where?...and then Moses adds "because this burden is too heavy for me " and once more I understood that I cant run alone in whatever sphere I serve God. If I apply this to the car parking ministry then in the same way God raised up 70 elders to work alongside Moses at this time ..I also need to be looking for people to run with me and help me serve to the best of my abilities...I am not actually saying I need or want 70 elders to do car parking with me.!!but I am saying ..I need solid and consistent support.

So...what have I decided ...

1)to change to The Message bible for the moment...I have been doing the "through the bible in a year" but for some reason decided to use the reading plan in the Chronological version..this has meant that since I started I have been wading through The Old Testament which is great for getting it fixed in your mind for when it all actually happened but very depressing in places.Plus I have never really got into The Message version and sometimes a completely new thing helps to inspire new ways of thinking.
2)leaving my fiction novels upstairs again so I am not picking them up at odd moments during the day...this does also serve to encourage me to go to bed earlier than I have been as I then get to read in bed.
3)Bill Hybels encourages us all to read GOOD books...Good Christian books ...and I have collected a fair few but never really got into them so will be choosing and starting this.
4)Being careful who I hang out with...as Simon says .."who is taking you up in the lift and who is taking you down"
5)Saying YES every time God asks me to do something
6)Not feeling guilty about saying NO to requests that will empty me for the wrong reasons.
7)Keep short accounts..both with forgiveness and repentance.
8)Bill Hybels encourage us to "stop moaning about the lack of resources and get on and be thankful for what we do have "...so I am planning on bringing that into every area of my life..not just ministry wise.

Finally... Bill talks about the "rogue wave" and about how we all can serve and follow and live when the seas are calm but every now and then the sea throws up an unexpectedly "rogue wave"...and we can be overwhelmed in many ways as we try to steer our boat through rougher and more dangerous seas. If we are confident in our replenishment strategy then we can easily and quickly ride the wave through to safe harbour...but when we are empty then we are often in danger of capsizing. I guess I have been standing on the deck of a leaky boat and the "rogue wave" hit me...but I am not going to let it capsize me.

My prayer for you as you read this that you will heed the voice of Gods Holy Spirit IF he is whispering to you..."I am a little worried about you " and that you take some time and look at where you need to replenish yourself too.

Finally..as I picked up The Message translation yesterday I heard God say Psalm 17...so let me leave you with these words.

"I am staying on your trail...I am putting one foot in front of the other and I am not giving up "

October 7th Mutter Mutter Mutter

2009-10-07T20:17:00.005+01:00

I wish I had blogged end of last week as it would have been so much more encouraging and uplifting and inspiring....I had been to Willow Creek conference for second time...(did I tell you I had actually been to Chicago to attend it live at Willow Creek Church itself?? LOL.....) and found the talks once more challenging and refreshing and planned to blog about my REPLENISHMENT STRATEGY...courtesy of Bill Hybels Talk.

He spoke about how we all need to be very careful to ensure we replenish our lives with the good things we need..eg...
Gods word..prayer...worhsip..leisure..family...good diet..exercise..etc That we run the danger of working and serving and not taking care of our mind body soul and spirit. I realised that over the summer months I had allowed myself to get "empty" and the plan was to blog about what I planned to do about it !!

Well..the best plans get waylaid by life sometimes and I am so far from being replenished that I may not ever get it right. After serving both Friday and Saturday day at Willow Creek....on the Sunday I found myself ...due to unforeseen circumstances ....having to serve yet again both am and pm meetings and in between I still managed to drive to London for 10am and attend a friends daughters pre wedding
get- together and then drive back again for 1.45 to have my entire family for the afternoon...but I did make sure we all went out for lunch ...9 of us to The Old Manor.!!Then got very cross with the evening serving teams that they hadn't turned up or done what they were supposed to do....and felt really bad for being such a moaner...and then Simon preached...well...thats the story of why this blog is just "mutter mutter mutter"

I was completely undone by what he talked about and spent the best part of half hour just weeping at the end....then wept all over Cat...then on Tuesday..wept all over Penny...then today wept all over Iris....So..you may ask..what did he preach...

He talked about the "mystery" of God and how good things can happen to us even when we are in the centre of Gods plan...and that sometimes there are circumstances in our lives that we have no answers for and our prayers seem to go unanswered....and I began to think about Cat and Nick and why they are having such difficulty having a baby and why others can have 2..3..and more children without any problems and I just feel completely undone by it all.I realise that because I have allowed myself to empty out I have no reserves of faith or emotional strength to fall back on and I guess that's why I am feeling so weepy....."mutter mutter mutter.!"

Add on to all that the stress of our IVA and the financial implications of our annual review...which we had back today and for some reason they now want an "extra" 70.00 each month... "mutter mutter mutter.!"

To ensure I don't get any chance to actually replenish at all...we have a wedding to go to in two weeks time and I cant find anything to wear....with all the weight I have put on this last 18mth I have tried on the entire contents of my wardrobe plus all the boxes in the loft and scoured every shop in Berkshire ...all to no avail. I have even put an appeal on Face Book..."mutter mutter mutter.!"

This coming weekend was supposed to be our weekend off...no children..no commitments...no serving....and I was so looking forward to just chilling out with hubby doing nothing....and what do I find...its the Musical Fireworks Championships of the UK..( THE WHAT?? I HEAR YOU ASKING..).. Chris has worked for a Fireworks company for almost 20 years now and they compete annually for the UK display teams cup and believe it or not they were 2nd last year..but this particular one is actually the first time they have competed in the musical competition ..the displays are all set to music...so off he will go mid afternoon Saturday and he wont be back till mid afternoon Monday so bang goes our chill out weekend and I will now actually be almost totally on my own..but listen up folks..what do I get..oh yes a call to say the leader of my Sunday car parking team cant be there...so guess where I will be at 8am Sunday morning...(you may detect a slight hint of sarcasm there).."mutter mutter mutter"

You see...this is what happens when you get empty....it all falls to pieces..I haven't even begun to blog about writing commitments for the church magazine...or my writing assignment for Exposition....my commitments to car parking / admin...and CAP and Inspire and not to mention my actual working life ."mutter mutter mutter!"

Perhaps over weekend I will plan my "replenishment strategy" and blog about it Monday. I wonder how you guys are with your full/empty ratio...is it only me that has allowed myself to empty out over the summer??The really tragic thing is that I know this can happen and over the years I try so hard NOT to let it get this bad but somehow or other I seem to have been sideswept this time round "mutter mutter mutter.!"

October 1st...Waffling on and on

2009-10-01T00:12:00.002+01:00

It is only just the 1st October in that it is 13 mins past midnight and I really should be in bed..especially as I have to get up at 7am for the wee boy. I have been blogging away for months now and have opened myself up in a way I never thought possible knowing that "writing is my best chance of happiness" .

My waffling for this entry is simply this...I am seriously down...I wonder if I am the only person in the entire world who sometimes just feels like giving up.??There are times when I want to revert to being a small child and just curl up in a corner ..suck my thumb and wait till it all gets better.Outwardly I am getting on with life..working...living....serving ...chatting...being funny...being happy..being sociable..getting to see people..going out for meals...having meetings...coffee...working....everything is going on around me and yet somewhere deep inside there is something broken.

I wonder if I need to go to doctors...take medication...buck up..pull myself together...count my blessings...trust in the Lord....lean on Him...ask for prayer...be real...or what???...I asked myself tonight...why do I feel like this... I cant seem to shake it off....

I seem to have spent the last few days snarling inside at others yet smiling nicely on the outside...I had a great time today having coffee with GJ and it was the only hour in about the last 24 when I didn't want to hit someone..anyone. I have no axe to grind with anyone . No-one has offended me..hurt me or caused me pain...yet somehow or other in the last few days life has lost its sweetness for me.

I am busy...but then we all have busy times and I am no different from others in that it can cause stress but yet I know that somehow this isn't just the busy-ness of life.I am aware that there is pressure on me...both Chris and I with regards to our IVA and with the annual review still not sorted it does hang over us and who knows when that pressure will be lifted. This evening at Life group..we sang the worship song with the words that say
"so take me as you find me..all my fears and failures." and then later the chorus sings out so powerfully .."Saviour..he can move the mountains..my God is mighty to save He is mighty to save " and all I could think of was the word "failures" and I looked around the room and started to compare myself with the others in the room and all I could see or feel or think was "I am a complete failure in comparison to everyone else here."

Everything in me wanted to just run...just pick up my bag ..bible and grab the car keys and run...( couldn't do that as my washing was in their machine..)and as soon as LG ended we were out of there as quickly as I could get the washing in bag and say bye bye.Not one person in the group has done or said anything to make me feel that way..its just me and how I am feeling. I cant point a finger at any person in my life and say...fault lies there..its just me.The same thing happened in the restaurant the other evening when I was having a meal with the bestest of friends I could ask for and as the evening wore on I found myself thinking..."why are they hanging out with me ..they are so much better than me and here I am sitting with them with "all my fears and failures " and all I wanted to do was go home to bed"

I can guess that in a few days or weeks I will no doubt feel better..but at the moment this is how I feel.Our church pastor is encouraging us all to be willing to answer the question "how are you ?" as honestly as we can and not hide behind the "I am fine" response that is the norm. and so if you were to ask me ...I guess I would say..." I am way down the tunnel and wondering if the light I thought would be at the end has actually disappeared."

Be assured I am still "doing life"...I have commitments..work..social..family...church and will carry on outwardly and it will all be well...yet inside I need to find a way to deal with the snarling and the unrest that has somehow begun to overwhelm me .A verse from Scripture that we used to sing a few years ago has come back to me about God breaking down the wall.

Ephesians Ch 2 V 14 says this,,,"For He himself is our peace who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier,the dividing wall of hostility,by abolishing in his flesh the law with its commandments and regulations, His purpose was to create in himself one new man out of the two ,thus making peace...and so on "

Somehow there is a barrier...a wall separating me from the peace of Christ and I know that this barrier hasn't been put there by Him..or anyone else so therefor it must have been me ...each brick in the wall is my failures....my fears...and I need to find a way to break it down and regain the deep peace and joy that is mine through my salvation.

Gosh ..its now almost 1am and I have approx 5-6 hours before I need to get up and just get on with life..we all know that in the cold dark of night thoughts like these can sneak in and make themselves at home yet from experience the bright dawn of a new day will cast a new light on everything and for that I am most incredibly grateful and for your walking alongside me and bringing new hope... encouragement support and love into my life I thank you.

September 28th Waving at Willow

2009-09-28T16:39:00.003+01:00

I am getting to the end of my Willow Warbles...but cant decide if I am waving goodbye as it is now over 6 weeks since we were there...or if I am waving hello as its only 3 more days till the Summit comes to Bracknell...Have you booked in yet...if not..its not too late and I would love to see you there ..its top quality stuff and not to be missed. I cant wait to be there...
I am serving in car park ( yippee )and really looking forward to hanging out with the team and welcoming everyone to this two day conference. In a way it will also be great to hear the speakers once more and see if God has anything else to say to me or to confirm that which I have already picked up.

I have blogged in great detail re Ruts and Trenches and to recap..
my weight issues
social times and friendships
my leadership gifting
my techie phobia

I have had some good feedback from all these points raised and am encouraged once more that you take the time to email me or leave a comment on the blog for others to benefit from too. Sadly I seem to also get one or two negative emails so would appreciate your prayers as I deal with these...

I would love to meet up with some of you and thought I may do an Open House kinda thing one evening if you thought this might be something we could enjoy and benefit from.We could pick a topic that I have uncovered and share our lives a bit deeper and see where it takes us?? Let me know if this is something that might appeal and please do feel free to invite me into your life for a coffee or chat one day....

This isn't a long blog entry re Willow..just touching base ....I have a couple of things I may blog about later this week and then hopefully I can finish up Willow after the Summit weekend.

September 18th...Wading through Willow.

2009-09-18T23:38:00.003+01:00

I said in last entry it would be my final one re Willow..so apologies but here I am again...but I am hoping to get this finished before I go on holiday.I am still on the subject of Ruts...Trenches...and Horizons....and wading my way through the weight issues. Its funny old thing being fat....for most people being fat...(or overweight if we want to be polite about it..)it is fairly apparent why we are that way..unless there is an underlying medical reason or on some medications which blow us up...but apart from that it is nearly always that we overeat.Whether like me it is a sugar thing...or that chips and bread are the downfall or too much pasta and burgers...whatever.it is simply..eat too much you get fat versus eat less and lose weight.

The other thing about obesity is that it cant be hidden....many other things that people struggle with in the realm of addictions can be hidden...I found out recently that a woman I have known for several years..smokes...and I never suspected or noticed as she keeps it hidden...I suspect many folk have addictions to pornography..medications...shopaholics...alcohol ...swearing....telling lies...stealing...who knows what hidden things there are in peoples lives....But you cant hide obesity..it is there..right in front of our eyes.

Strangely...if we saw someone inject drugs into their veins or knock back three bottles of whisky we may be tempted to tackle them about it..especially if they were our friends and if they were Christians we would be more likely to be in their lives and looking to help them beat the addiction...but obesity...or gluttony ...is rarely tackled. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of friends who have spoken out about my weight over the years and most of my friends are just as likely to share my cake or ice cream than talk to me about it.!!!

If I am truly honest I wonder if I have the inner strength to once again make that climb out of the trench.I have failed so many times that I feel defeated even before I begin. It is hard to explain how defeated I feel...in many respects its as if I have given up this battle and just laid down . It just seems far too much effort and yet what lies ahead for me if I don't choose to make a move ...ill health...inability to function well...tiredness and fatigue making it difficult to continue my work with children....too fat to wear my lovely yellow car parking jacket and run around my favourite place ..ie church car park.!!and I guess if I stay in this trench..early death brought about by poor health.

I am off on holiday this next week and because I am so fat...I know I will be uncomfortable in the heat...I know that the swimming cossie will reveal me in all my glory to strangers round the pool and on the beach..just as well they will be strangers...as I wouldn't want any of you lot to see me.!! I know I will tire when out walking and each and every time I am limited I will be shouting deep in my spirit..."you stupid stupid woman!"..you see this is what every one who has addictions says every time they fail to keep themselves free..we pound ourselves mercilessly and beat ourselves up and we keep on trying and trying to break free and altho I cant speak for others I know that I constantly beg God to help me..to release me ..to cleanse me...to deliver me...to heal me....I am constantly confessing and repenting sometimes on a daily basis.....

This Rut or Thorn is now out in the open...at the prayer meeting this evening we were praying re our church fellowship..that we would be a community where people could be open and vulnerable and whatever circumstances we find ourselves in that we could talk openly and share without feelings of shame or condemnation..or thinking that people would judge us .....In this last year as I have opened myself up in a deeper way than ever before I can say that it has been immensely liberating and sharing some very deep and painful experiences both past and present has brought a real freedom to my spirit and has somehow or other deepened the precious friendships I had and opened up the way for new friends to come into my life.

So...where to from here.....I have pretty much finished blogging about all the things that God spoke to me about at Willow....I am so looking forward to the Summit being held at Kerith Community Church on the 2nd and 3rd of October and if you haven't booked in yet....please do consider coming along as it will inspire you.

For me and my rut...I am once more going to aim for the horizon....I cant promise to make it but I am not giving up...I cant give up....my feet may be made of clay...but my spirit is once more scanning the edge of the trench and looking for footholds to climb out. Perhaps one or two of you would lean down and grab my hand...perhaps help me start the climb by praying for me....perhaps asking me gently if I am moving forward....perhaps walk some of the way with me....perhaps walk ahead of me so I don't lose my way..perhaps walk behind me in case I am tempted to turn back....perhaps hold my hand when I am lonely...perhaps laugh with me when I am striding on madly ..perhaps cry with me when I fail....perhaps bring me back to earth when i get too cocky...perhaps speak words of encouragement when I falter...perhaps tell me often that I am more than a conqueror...perhaps cheer me on when I reach a goal .... perhaps just be quiet when you sense I cant cope with words...perhaps give me a hug when my shoulders droop and the tears of failure fall once again.....and when I have run this race with my eyes fixed on the prize and reach the finishing line ...perhaps we can celebrate together in the presence of our precious saviour Jesus.

September 17th.Working through Willow.....

2009-09-17T15:12:00.003+01:00

This will be my last post re Willow Creek and it takes me nicely into the next "thorn " that I was planning on writing about.I am still on the subject of "Ruts and Trenches "...and this last one has been the most difficult for me to blog about but at the risk of repeating myself "writing is my best chance of happiness". For me the whole act of writing it down and getting it out in the open has been hugely healing and I find myself growing more "together" within my heart..spirit ..and soul.

So...this rut....I have been so far down in the trenches with this for so many years that I cant even see the horizon really...I peek above the edge at times then find it so much easier just to slip back down into the warmth and security of the trench.I am talking about my life long battle with my weight.

I say...life long...but in truth I had no problem with my weight as a child or teenager...the few photos of me I have seen or possess show a normal sized 5 year old and an 8 year old and a fairly good looking size 14 when I met Chris at age 17. The battle began when I became sexually active and as many of you know Chris and I lived together for 5 years and had our first son when I was 19.

Through years of counselling ...both Christian and non Christian ...I have come to understand a lot about why that happened and where the connection started etc.and it has its roots in the sexual abuse that went on through most of my childhood.I am not going to labour on this as its doesn't make good reading and its not an ongoing issue but the fact remains that being overweight is tied into my sexual image of myself.

I have climbed out of the ruts many times and those of you who have known me the longest will have seen me lose weight quite spectacularly..many times.!!! I think I once added up the amount of weight I have lost over 30 years and its something like 100 stones...hee hee...but sadly its the same 5-6 stone over and over again.!! Again..those of you who know me will know i don't overeat ordinary food...you wont find me eating 6 course meals or eating huge portions of chips or bread...my addiction is sweet things....give me a choice between a steak and a pudding and I will forgo the steak every time.....give me a choice between a packet of crisps and a chocolate biscuit and I will always choose the chocolate biscuit.

I have delved into this quite deeply over the years and memories have surfaced over and over again in that I was given sweets whenever the abuse happened and whenever life got too tough for my mum or whoever I was living with at the time then decent meals and cooking was always the first to go and rice puddings and bread and jam were the menu of convenience. I was given bread and sugar for my tea almost everyday and was sent to bed often with a drink of hot sugary tea and jammy sarnies.Consequently at my worst you will find me eating chocolate in bed.!!!

In 2007 I lost over 6 stone in weight and had counselling at the same time and many of these issues were raised in the sessions and I honestly thought I had climbed over the top of the trench and was making a bee line for the horizon... Sadly I have once more lost this battle and have spent this last year putting a fair percentage of the weight back on once again.The counselling revealed that it wasn't the sexual issues that was the main cause now but the two fold fact that YES I have a sugar addiction but also whenever my emotions are surface I then seem to need the fix of sugar to help me get back some control. This isn't just depression type of emotion but its also any kind of high emotion..so anger and even great joy can cause me to hit the chocolate.I know that for many years I was " trained " not to show emotion of any kind and now find it difficult to let myself be free enough to show my emotions for fear of rejection..abandonment or of some one being offended...and perhaps I am afraid of being too happy in case it doesn't last...so hit the choccie or ice cream..or muffin and be in a safe sugar haze...

This blog entry is too long so I will continue it tomorrow.

September 4th Working through Willow ..cont.

2009-09-04T19:33:00.004+01:00

Chris has been called out to help Son In Law to mend car headlight...so sneaking off to post on the blog till he comes back. I appreciate all your comments and emails...I admit to only publishing the ones which I think will be helpful for others to read. I thought I would continue this section of the blog with one of the other "Ruts " I felt God had spoke to about.I have one more to follow and hope to get to that over weekend.

Social Times......I admit to being a bit of a split personality...one part of me wants to have lots of contact with friends and then another part of me wants to be on my own and at times I can find myself confused between the two.I know that many of you think I have loads of buddies and am always busy....but the truth is that I spend a lot of time on my own and most evenings Chris and I are on our own. We have a couple of people we hang out with fairly regularly both individually and as couples but apart from that our main contacts with others is at church or life group or meetings. At times when I hear of parties that people have or have been to..and gatherings and I wonder why I or we are not invited....I honestly cant remember the last party I was invited too.So the myth that I have loads of friends and always busy is exactly that ...a myth.

A lot of the feelings I have about socialising is still wrapped up in the past....still feel that no-one actually wants to spend time with me...or invite me anywhere....and going to Willow with a dozen people who don't figure in my social life was a huge step of faith for me...in truth it was a huge step of fear really.Hanging out with people I don't know well is my worst kind of nightmare and I know that God wants this to change. This "rut" has controlled so much of my life that it seems normal and I know its one big thing I am aiming to change and have already been changing.If you have read my previous blog entries you will know that it turned out really well and I felt 100% accepted and wanted and as far as I am concerned I had a great time with everyone.

The first thing we did when we came back from Willow we had a gathering of people round for the evening...this was about half we knew fairly well and half we only knew a bit....probably the first time we have had so many in our home for years.I was really nervous and was sure hardly any of them would come...but of the 18 we invited....16 came....and with Chris and I there were 18 people here and despite the panic about the space and room etc...I really enjoyed the evening. Fortunately it was a cool evening and we were able to have the drinks and nibbles in garden and altho I suggested we go into living room to view the photos in 2 lots they all piled in at the same time and I just went with the flow....bums were everywhere..on floor ..on arm of chairs...on kiddies chair....whatever..we just had a fun time..For those of you who regularly have people round it may seem a small thing..but for me it was an immense mountain for me to climb and I am quite proud of myself.

The second thing I have done was quite amusing really....I read an article in Sunday paper about Facebook and how we have so many virtual friends but how many would actually meet you for a coffee.!. The author of the article had posted on FB..."anyone fancy a coffee tomorrow" and altho she has 320 friends listed in her FB ..only 2 people replied and none were able to actually meet her. So....I am amazed that I did this as it is sooooo out of my comfort zone but I did the same .On the Sunday evening I posted that I was free Monday and did anyone want to meet for a coffee?? I had quite a few replies saying that folk would have loved to but were working or whatever and I had one reply from a young woman who I know...but not well. I have never socialised with her...never had coffee with her and as I was old enough to be her mother I was quite surprised that she wanted to have a coffee with me. Anyway ..we met up and had a lovely hour or so together and I got to know her a wee bit better ....and more than that I felt again quite proud of myself that I had taken the step and enjoyed myself with a lovely and very courageous young woman who is going through a tough time in her life.

The third aspect of this "Rut" is to accept fully that people do want to spend time with me....I have been mentored this last year by Caroline and so many times this came up in our chatting...that I struggled with anyone actually wanting to be with me and despite Caroline saying so many times that she was enjoying the time and had got so much out of it herself and was sad the actual mentoring time was coming to an end...I still was struggling to believe it fully. We arranged to go out for a meal to bring the formal part to a close (we have known each other for decades so we are not disappearing from each others lives )and again she said she had been looking forward to seeing me and excited to catch up with me and I truly felt as if I absorbed her words into my spirit without any of the usual doubts creeping in. Caroline may sometimes have wondered if mentoring me had produced fruit or was of benefit but as far as I am concerned it has been a timely and God given intervention at just the right stage of my life and I am deeply grateful for her friendship.

Finally .....I have been overwhelmed by the feedback from you girls (and the odd one or two guys who also read the blog ) who read my blog and deeply appreciate your comments / emails and again this has helped me to realise that I am not alone in some of the feelings and insecurities I have shared. I believe that isolation both in the physical and the spiritual is a huge problem for us and perhaps knowing that we all at times have feelings in common has helped each of us to face our fears...feelings and pain. I am also aware that some of you have shared that you would like to chat more about stuff and one of the ways in which I am aiming to get out of this "rut" is to make myself more available to friends. By that I mean....YOU.....Please please please dont get caught in the myth that I have loads of friends and am always busy...I am not!!! I am here and I am looking to build on the friendships I have and also to make new ones too. I have recently re-connected with an old friend who used to be in the church....we didnt hang out socially much but we did hang out in various church activities and as a result of the blog and FB we are hoping to get together in next couple of weeks for coffee and catch up and I am sooo looking forward to that.

John ch 16 v 12 and 13 says this..."My command is this: Love one another as I have loved you. Love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no-one than this ,that he lay down his life for his friends."

Getting out of this trench/rut and heading for the horizon is going to be an adventure..a challenge...a joy....will you join me in this "loving one another "and see what God will do??

September 1st ...Nothing to do with Willow

2009-09-01T16:41:00.004+01:00

Taking a detour again..so feel free to pass me by ...just need some time out to blog some stuff that is going on in the hope it gives me some new perspective.

Decision making....I wonder if other people find themselves swinging wildly like a pendulum from one decision to another.? I have had a few decisions to make in last
2-3 months and I have struggled big time.I make a firm decision then a few days later I change my mind.

I have tried to apply Godly wisdom and and asked close friends for their advice and wisdom....I have asked God to speak clearly to me.....I have talked it over with Chris and mulled it over in dreams and written lists of Pros and Cons.....all the things that people suggest and yet I am still swinging about like a mad thing.If the decisions I make only affect me then it would be so easy but as they involve other people too it becomes more complicated. Would that life would be so easy as to actually have a clear statement from God....a "thus sayeth the Lord" but sadly I don't get that kind very often and it is in the searching for the answers that God reveals His will.....so perhaps all this has been a "searching" process to get to the place He wants me to be. I know from experience that God uses every situation as an opportunity to develop my character and build my faith.

My church involvement is one of the decisions I need to make and that doesn't just depend on me but on a multitude of other aspects which all need to be looked at and talked through with other people. My work involvement ...do I continue to childmind and take on new children ? ..sounds like an easy ..yes or no...but two families are looking to me to care for their precious children and I never take this lightly and always want to give the family my very best and its not an easy thing for me to say Yes or No...so again I have to think it through carefully .

Linked in with all this ....it has been a tough few weeks anyway....August is the month that we have our annual review for our IVA...and that means looking at all our Income and Expenditure for last year..so we have to get bank stuff...receipts...salary slips and all my tax accounts sorted and photocopied....we have to justify any increases we need and then once we send of all the photocopies we then have to wait for the IP to let us know if we are okay for another year or whether they say we have to increase our monthly payments.,Whilst we completely hold our hands up and say...okay we got into this mess...it is nevertheless an exhausting business to have someone scrutinise every aspect of your financial life.We sometimes think we would have been better declaring bankruptcy but as we have got this far...3 years into a 5 year term we can see the finishing line and will be debt free in August 2011.

This last few days I have felt very tearful and slightly unwell...I often think when I have a spiritual high....in this case..Willow....it is often followed by a spiritual low and I am not that surprised by how I am feeling. I am grateful for the friends who put up with me and my ongoing "will I ??.wont I??." But at the same time I do need to make decisions and make them soon...The childminding one actually needs to be made today...or at latest tomorrow so I can inform the families involved...so I am off now to have another look at the lists of Pros and Cons..altho I am pretty certain I have made the decision anyway. A lovely friend said to me today..something like..."at which point in the pendulum process did you know Gods peace??" and I guess that is the starting and finishing point for any decision making process and has certainly helped me move closer to one set of decisions .

I still have a couple of "Ruts" to blog about so normal service will be resumed soon...I am as always very grateful for the comments you guys send and also emails...I did get a couple controversial ones referring to Ruts,which I havent published so if you think one of them was yours feel free to talk to me about it.

I would love to know how others process big decisions and if anyone else finds themselves swinging madly on a pendulum..please God its not only me??!!!

August 18th p.s. to last posting

2009-08-18T10:22:00.002+01:00

Today I had a look at one of JWGs blogs and want to use a quote from it as she sums up in one sentence how I feel about learning new things. Have a look at her latest blog in which she is describing her experience of learning BSL...British Sign Language...

http://www.learnbsl.blogspot.com

The comment she wrote was this

"When you are a confident and successful learner you have no idea of the emotions that those who struggle to learn feel "

Hope you are all thinking about your "ruts" and making a move to the horizon.

August 17th Working through Willow

2009-08-17T18:54:00.007+01:00

Chris and the pooch are home and we actually got 3 hours together before he has now gone to meeting...ho hum...still gives me a couple of hours to continue blog.I have been thinking through some of the main points raised by the speakers and thought I would just work my way through them over next week or so.

One of the most memorable one liners was from Gary Hamil...
"when you are down in the trenches it is easy to mistake the edge of your rut for the horizon"..
I may not have written down the exact wording but you get the gist of it. Everyone said how that impacted them as well...Simon mentions it in his blog and Ben D talked about it when he preached Sunday and I know that Chris says this spoke to him very clearly. Gary's session will be shown at the Summit in October so book in to hear it in context...have I mentioned it would be a good thing for you to come along??

So...as I have been reflecting over the days since getting back I have been asking myself what "ruts" have I got so entrenched in that I prefer to stay down than get up and moving..lets see if I can make an honest inventory and will begin tonight with a couple of ruts.

*Leadership.....this is a big rut for me ...I still struggle to think of myself as a leader despite having led major ministries in the past and leading one nowadays. When we became Christians almost 25 years ago there were few women leaders around and certainly in our church the emphasis was on male leadership....altho I had initiated the deaf ministry it was Chris who would be invited to attend the leaders training meetings every month and once a term there would be a social arranged for "leaders and their wives" with the wives being the "add-on"....Over the years this changed and by the time I was leading the special needs ministry I would be a part of the training group but even 12 years ago when I became the first woman to lead a housegroup it still caused a couple of comments at a leaders meeting when one person remarked rather loudly "why are you here then ....is Chris ill ?"...when I replied he wasn't the leader this guy didn't quite know what to say !! and when I took over leading the car parking ministry one of the first comments I had from within the teams was "whats a woman doing in a mans job ?" I have been confined to the "rut " of this thinking for many years and have decided that I am going to climb out of the rut and make for the horizon.

I hope you will sense my spirit in this next bit as I am not boasting in myself but in what God has put in me...I am almost hesitant to type this next paragraph but wanted to be as honest as I can... but this whole issue of leadership is so much at the forefront of my thinking due to being at Willow. One of the ways in which I could sense God confirming this gift in me was that the speakers at Willow were all gifted leaders mostly talking about leadership principles and as I listened to each of them I found myself stimulated..challenged..encouraged and could identify with many of the points made and examples given.After the fisrt session I knew I was supposed to be there and didnt feel as if I was a fraud .You will all know through experience that when attending anything that isn't relevant to you that your mind wonders..your concentration goes and you find yourself nodding off or tired out...well for me ..every session was new..fresh..exciting...I found myself expectant and ready with notebook and pen and those who know me will know I rarely take notes but I knew there was going to be some incredible stuff coming my way and didn't want to miss any of it.I transposed a lot of what I heard into the ministry I am involved in and have already made some decisions on how to implement them into the folk I lead and the community I serve.

The upshot of this particular "rut" is that I am admitting to myself that I AM A LEADER.....No longer will I hide down in the trenches but strike out for the horizon and take ownership of the leadership gifts that God has put into me and I plan to lead and serve to the very best of my ability and to look always for ways in which God can use me to build His church .

*Technology....again this is a huge rut for me ...almost too deep for me to even contemplate climbing out of but I know that God has spoken to me very clearly about this and that I must begin to edge myself over the top . For many years I have avoided learning new things eg I only learned to text on my mobile about a year ago !! This stems from several areas and they are rooted in a fear of failure...being thought stupid...and stress at the thought that once I begin to learn I need to open myself up to others to teach me. I am Miss Independent and would rather not ask for any kind of help...as this would mean being vulnerable..I realise that the world is changing and technology is moving fast and I am definitely a dinosaur within my peer group.Even the wee lad I care for seems to know more about mobile phones than I do !! I have popped my head up over this rut several times over the last year but the "crossfire" got too much for me and I just ducked back down again. Way too risky.....

Let me explain what I mean by "cross fire" and I can use a completely fresh example...Iris and Fiona ..this isn't meant as any kind of dig at you ....honest..I love you guys so much and at times I feel as if you are my Aaron and Hur...
Exodus ch 17 v 12...
just holding me up when life gets too much but this example happened today and seemed a good way of explaining it. I mentioned I had got a new phone but hadn't even taken it out of the box as it was just too complicated for me to even begin to think about using it.I said perhaps I could get one of them to help me sort it out...there was a group of us chatting about it and having a laugh and comments were like "but its easy" or "all you need to do" and everyone was asking me questions such as .." what kind of phone is it?" "have you charged it " and altho this only lasted a few minutes I could feel actual terror wash over me as the "trench" beckoned me back down again.This actually manifests itself in a sort of "duck and run away" feeling ..I feel as if I have to get away and hide and I could feel tears threatening to fall....One of my biggest fears is being thought stupid and silly though it may be ..whenever I hear the phrase "but its so easy " or similar I immediately translate that into "then I must be stupid if I cant do it " No-one has EVER actually said that to me but when you are down in the trench it is hard to hear clearly.

God impressed upon me very clearly that it was time to get out of this "rut" and head to the horizon and this week I have set myself some long term goals to work through over the next few months ....to learn how to upload photos onto FB and into the blog...to learn how to use my new phone and to believe in myself that
"all things are possible". Matthew ch 19 v 26
So if I happen to mention to you that I am trying a new thing please don't say
"but that's easy " try saying.."wow that's great Irene ...can I help with it at all?" I can just see Iris and Fiona watching me take the phone out the box and saying "wow...you did good Irene great box action there."" Hee Hee..love you guys. xx

Finally ....two of the speakers were young entrepreneurs...(you can hear them at the Summit in October) and altho they didn't have a direct impact on me personally I couldn't help but be amazed at what they were involved with.I mention them only to share a comment they both made which struck a chord with me . Both of them mentioned their parents as being one of the most crucial influences in their lives...I think they said something like
" My parents believed in me..they encouraged me..they told me I could do anything...they put positive things into me "
and I once again felt pangs about the lack of such input into my childhood and can easily understand why I have so many "ruts" and fears of failure and being thought stupid. No-one really believed in me or encouraged me or spoke positively and therefor I have grown up never believing I could do anything ..becoming a Christian and beginning the journey of faith has been hard work for me in that I have had to
re-align my thought patterns and ingrained behaviour....and to believe in myself when no-one else had done so.

And finally ..finally (!)relating to the above ...one of my other main areas of gifting is encouragement and I make a daily choice to encourage at least one person as I know that without encouragement peoples spirits can wither and die.This can take the form of a letter..card..email...pressie ..flowers...(believe it or not I have a monthly budget to send flowers from Marks and Spencers to different people on so today organised it for a friend whose hubby is very ill.) and the children and young people I see daily will always have encouragement spoken to them and words such as "you did well with that scooter " or..." I love your hair " knowing these words of encouragement are all building unseen and as yet unknown esteem into their young spirits and letting them know that they are great !!If you are a parent can I strongly encourage you to believe in your children and let them know it as often as you can ..make a daily decision to speak into their spirits good and positive words.

So...my last words to you today ...think about your "rut" and make a decision to climb out and make for the horizon .Email me or talk to me so I can encourage you too..lets journey towards the horizons together.

August 16th Waffling about Willow

2009-08-16T18:20:00.005+01:00

I am still home alone as Chris wont be home till Monday afternoon...hopefully with Oskar the pooch too and then Andrew will be back Tuesday.....it has been a funny old time this last few days especially coming straight after Willow...to have so much input and be amongst so many people to then being alone.! I am so grateful for good friends who have spent time with me over weekend and of course Matthew who is always good company too.

I wanted to share about some of the ways in which God seemed to take each of my worries and almost make them disappear...or at least fade into insignificance. I am hesitant to say I am completely changed as it wont really be evident till faced with another trip of a similar type but suffice to say that during the event itself I wasn't much stressed at all.

The people who we stayed with were magnificent and I had no trouble hearing them and hanging out with them.....they were interested in us and interesting to be around and after the first night time stroll to the bathroom when the squeaky floorboard sounded I just thought "there is nothing I can do about it " and just forgot it really.When the other guest from Bracknell arrived I thought I would feel self conscious about perhaps meeting him in the night but again God just seemed to step in and it didn't happen. Somehow or other whenever one of us needed the loo or shower it was open and available...I wonder if God orchestrates wee-ing??!!! and the hosts provided air freshener...LOL...so yet another slight worry averted.

I have to commend the young guy who shared with us....he was fab and it was great to get to know him better ..altho we did take the mickey out of him a fair bit he was lovely and I was incredibly impressed with his outlook on God...life ...Church ..marriage...relationships.....Oh that God would raise up a generation of young people with his spirit.

The anxiety about whether I would hear okay was immediately put to rest as the sound/audio in the auditorium was magnificent and altho the cameras didn't stay on the speakers faces every second I didn't miss more than the odd word or punchline and it didn't seem to matter where we sat the standard of audio was the same.I was able to relax completely after the first session and this in itself was a gift from God in such a huge and strange setting.

The worry about hanging out with the Bracknell gang had been alleviated somewhat before we went and Simon and Catrina had sent out a suggested itinerary to us all so that helped us to know that on certain days or evenings we would be all together or with our hosts etc and this worked very well from our point of view. Catrina also had a coffee with me before we went to share stuff like eg did we need coats..cardigans...what the loos were like..all the stuff girlies need to know !!!..Chris and I spent good chunks of time with our hosts and then on our own or with the others and we felt completely included. I have to say a big thank you to Catrina and Simon as the texted us daily to let us know where they were or where they were sitting.... and I felt they looked after us ...but not in a patronising way but in a genuine "we care about you." way .At each of the coffee breaks we generally had a few minutes with one or other of the group in between queuing for the loo...it was kinda cool to actually see a long line of guys waiting to pee...its not often the line for the ladies is the same length as the gents.!!
We also had a chance to catch up with old buddies the Dalziels who used to attend our church and it was lovely to hear about what God was doing with them and their children.

One of the most significant times that God spoke to me clearly wasn't in any of the sessions but at the end of the conference on the Friday evening we all went to a restaurant to eat together...again this usually would bring me out in anxiety and many times over the years I would have made excuses for this kind of social gathering and not gone...but I was determined to break through and as we arrived and 13 of us sat down I sat sort of in the middle so I would be able to hear from both sides and opposite me..( for those of you with no hearing disability this kind of strategy is probably completely alien but for me it is a minefield I have to walk through sometimes on a daily basis so I am well practiced ).The ambient noise was quite high as the restaurant was busy and music was playing and I panic-ed a bit and spent a fair bit of time reading the menu and thinking of how I could duck and run.In these times it is always when the enemy whispers other lies to me...its difficult to explain clearly but its as if I am cut off from hearing others and it creates a vacuum and because I am stressed I tune into the wrong voice.Usually the voice says stuff like..

*why are you here
*no-one will talk to you
*you will have to admit you are deaf
*they will make jokes and say "pardon...eh??"(believe me when I say if I had 5.00 for every time someone said that to me after I explain I cant hear well I would be a rich woman )
*Just withdraw and ignore everyone
*make humorous remarks and hog the conversation

Anyway just as I began to shut down I heard a still small voice ...."I have brought you to this banqueting table and my banner over you is love".it repeated the words several times and I found myself looking down the table at one half of the group then looking up the table at the other and the table was long and well laid out with table cloth and nice glasses etc and it looked a bit like a banqueting table.....and I felt a deep peace settle over me. People talk about a sense of Gods presence being tangible and probably for the first time in many years I felt completely surrounded by Gods love for me. As the bustle of ordering and settling down finished I felt my whole body..mind and spirit relax and I can honestly say I so enjoyed the evening.It may have been the first and only time I will ever eat a meal with any of them but I will long treasure it as special few hours. Perhaps if you asked each and every one of the group they would say."yes it was a good evening " but for me it had a much more significant meaning than just another meal out.

During the evening I had a conversation with Liz G......I think she reads my blog sometimes so I hope I don't embarrass her too much as she may not realise it but the 20 or so minutes where we had an "over the table " conversation encouraged me in some unexpected ways. First of all I am probably old enough to be her mum and again my old way of thinking would have me saying to myself "she cant possibly be interested in me" and yet she showed genuine interest in what I am involved with and asked me some fairly pointed questions!! A couple of times I tried to deflect the conversation and she brought me back to what she had asked and queried my answers enough for me to really think about what I was saying....I was challenged about a couple of "ruts that I thought were my horizons".. As we chatted she shared some of what God was saying to her about her life..family...church....gifting and I was just amazed at the maturity of this young woman!!...I felt as if I was in the presence of a giant ...I truly believe she and her hubby are leaders of a different spirit...the way Liz spoke about her children and her being a mum and how she felt God had gifted her in this season was a far cry from some of the mums I mix with in the course of being a childminder for the last two decades. This short 20 mins conversation has led me to believe I can sit at any table with anyone and

HIS banner over me will be love.

Yes... there were huge differences in who we all were in terms of age..experience..gifting...circumstances...leadership etc etc...but the one thing that brought us all to that table on that Friday evening was our faith in God and His love for each of us no matter what label we hang on ourselves other than son or daughter ...and for me all the other things on my worry list dissolved completely and the deep feelings of inadequacy which I had allowed to build a wall around me just crumbled under the banner of His love So Liz...if you are reading this...THANK YOU.

I will get onto the actual speakers at some point I promise but this conference for me was about far more than listening to the speakers...lets face it I can and do hear them every year at the Summit..(have I encouraged you to book in yet??)..it was about being who I am...me...with all my fears and hopes and dreams..it was about conquering a lifetime of insecurities...it was about allowing decades of wrong thinking being brought into line with what God thinks.This conference was about dropping our pride and being transparent and accepting financial help to get there ..about believing that people loved me/us enough to see beyond the mess of our debt and still say we were worth giving money to.It was way more than the speakers...it was almost an appointment with God that he had ordained for such a time as this .!! I asked Catrina before we went "would this be a life-changing conference" and I am 100% convinced that it has been and will continue to be as I work through all that has happened.

Finally....thank you to those who have commented on the blog....if it fails to get published let me know or resend to me...as I do feel that reading peoples comments also helps us to feel less isolated....isn't it funny that we all think we are the only ones who feel such anxieties and I believe it is a strategy of the enemy to keep us all silent and isolated and if my blog entries mean that you feel less alone and more "normal" then I am happy....and of course I am thrilled that I am not the only one who worries about their poos.!!!

August 15th Worrying about Willow

2009-08-15T13:35:00.008+01:00

I thought I would do a little time shifting and cast my mind back to the thoughts I had about going to Willow Creek...well I say "thoughts" when I really mean worries ..anxieties...fears...stress and other negatives too many to list.!Let me list some of them and add explanations as to why I felt that way and then by the time I get to the end of entry you will perhaps have nodded off to sleep..feel free to skip this entry...but then again maybe you will find one or two points that you can identify with.

1)...A basic anxiety I have carried is staying in strangers houses....we have for many years used hotels and guest houses when visiting relatives and rarely stay overnight in friends homes...if you have read my earlier blogs you will know I had negative experiences growing up in other peoples houses and bedrooms so perhaps this isn't too hard to understand.
2)...I have a hearing disability which makes it difficult for me to understand accents and knowing I was going to be staying with Americans meant I worried about understanding them. One of the ways I combat this is to waffle...withdraw ... take over the conversation or deflect it with humour.
3)...As a woman of mature years (!) I tend to visit the loo several times in night and I was anxious about disturbing the hosts...flushing the loo...or worse still bumping into one of them or the other guest whilst in my nightie and with my bed hair.(!)..wouldnt you know it but our bedroom was the furthest away from the bathroom and we had to walk past the other guests bedroom and the host couples walking on squeaky floorboards.!!
4)...Still on the topic of bathrooms..how would we know when the shower was free?? and what if my poo smelled a bit.!!...(come on ..don't tell me you never think of stuff like this??!!)
5)...The other people in the Bracknell group were REAL leaders...I mean big time leaders...church leaders....church planters..
full time...paid...and included a senior pastor with 43 years under his belt (!) guess who??...and that was just our wee group of 13....the other 6,987 thousand...who knows what they were into or up to...what on earth were we doing there.?..Before we went I felt a complete fraud...an "add-on".This is a central low key anxiety I have carried most of my life..always thinking I was of no great worth and certainly not to be included in anything important.(again you may have to have read earlier blog entries.to understand some of these anxieties.)
6)...On a similar note the group I was part of were all friends with one another...and some were even related and none of them ...did we socialise with...hang out with or exchange birthday cards with and only 4 of them were from the same church where we had some common ground...so again I was stressed that we would be encroaching on their time together...or would they "take pity " on us and spend a bit of time making small talk to ensure we didn't feel left out...crazy huh??
7)...I was anxious about break times and meal times and where would we sit...would we be left on our own...would everyone pile off to have high powered discussions about leadership or top secret strategy meetings from which we would be excluded?? From very early on in adult life I learned to be independent and to in some ways
"be in control"....If I made the plans then it ensured I wouldn't be excluded...but of course this was a different kind of grouping and one in which I didn't feel I had any control over. Add to this a long seated fear of abandonment and you may guess this was one of the most stressful thought I had pre Willow.
8)...With my hearing disability I rely on good seating ..good lighting..being near enough to see faces and read lips and in an auditorium that seated 7,000 you can imagine my anxiety level soaring.....what would the sound be like..the acoustic level..the screens...the cameras on the faces rather than panning out etc.I didn't want to say to the group I needed to be near front as then we may have been "forced " to sit on our own so I had made the decision on the Wednesday when we had the tour that I would go with the flow....it was more important for me to be included with the group than it was for me to face exclusion to ensure good hearing.
9)...Staying at the hosts home was also fraught with anxiety...how much would they expect us to help...how much time would they want to spend with us..who else was staying..did they want to know about us ..really...or did they want to just provide the bed and get on with their own life...I have worried about this kind of thing all the time in the past and it had manifested itself in being quite unsocial...we rarely have people over for a meal because deep down I think no-one really wants to spend time with us....and as a consequence we rarely get invited to others and thus it confirms the mad thinking.!!

Ha...gotta tell you I have just been interrupted by a lovely friend Ruthie....bearing gifts of Starbucks,...which is Gods sense of humour that the minute I write about me thinking ..wrongly..about folk not wanting to spend time with me...up pops an unexpected proof of the way in which the enemy lies to us .!!! Ruthie..you are Gods gift to me in more ways than one...not least the Starbucks.

I wonder if at this point you may all be thinking ...heavens this girl is woefully insecure.....or maybe I am just woefully honest.!!! I have said so many times in this blog that "writing is my best chance of happiness" and even as I write this I can sense the inner peace which God planted in my spirit whilst at Willow take a stronger hold of me and I am hopeful that
"He who began a good work in me will carry in on..."

So..watch out for more blogs about how God worked in me whilst away with specific relevance to some of this list ....please feel free to email me or make comments....I like to hear from you...if only to let me know I am not alone....

August 14th Walking through Willow

2009-08-14T22:09:00.004+01:00

Chris is away on business this till Monday so I thought I would do some blogging to keep me occupied. I am on my own in the house for first time in years....Oskar my pooch is at Mikes..Andrew ..live in son ..is in Budapest so totally solo...scary.!! Doors are locked and phone will be beside my bed..I don't think I will resort to a baseball bat but suffice to say I will be alert.

So....Willow...I am still processing the emotional and spiritual impact and will blog on these later but for now let me talk about the actual experience. I had no real idea of how BIG this place was....If you think Royal Albert Hall or Brighton Conference centre than you are still way too small...The campus is simply mind blowing.We went on the Wednesday with our host family and I was really pleased we did as it gave us an idea of what it looked like before the 7,000 delegates arrived.

The driveway is about half mile long and we passed 3 x Park and Ride car parking areas...Ho Ho....this is where people choose to park and get the bus to ensure there are plenty of spaces for the guests and visitors....The actual car parks were enormous..so big they needed zones and numbers similar to airport parking...to remember where you parked. The boundaries of the car parks were too far to see and I think there are 4 main car parking areas.!! I took some pictures and once I get a tech person back will see if I can upload them...especially the signs.!! they have amazing signs eg Parking for single parents only ..permit required.!!

There is a coffee shop called Dr Bs...which sold amazing coffee...Costa and Starbucks eat your heart out...lots of seating areas including comfy chairs around a log fire. Plasma screens abound all over so no matter where you settle you could see what was going on. The book shop equalled a Waterstones easily and they have a fully functioning restaurant open all day every day.They have a lake and 2 waterfalls.. Ha Ha..yes this is a church I am talking about. Their High School ministry ...Elevate... has a fully equipped Gym complete with basketball courts and a stage bigger than ours at the Kerith Centre. I didn't go downstairs to Promiseland which is their children's work but was told it is huge.

We walked into the auditorium and I almost stopped breathing...as I walked to the stage area and then turned to look up at the vast sea of seating I felt completely overwhelmed and tears rose in my eyes.As far as the eye could see there were rows upon rows of seats and all comfy cinema types of seating...stalls..circle and upper circle with two extremely large screens at either side of platform and plasma screens hidden in ceiling areas for the upper circle areas.

The stage area itself had three tiers with a large area for main worship singers and speakers and several raised areas for different groupings of musicians.The lighting was magnificent and the settings were so professional it could have graced a West End or Broadway production. At each side of the stage through enormous glass windows the two waterfalls meandered their way down the rock settings as if they had been there for decades.

We just stood and gaped !!! Chris headed for the lighting and sound area and once he had gorged his eyes and tucked his covetous tongue back into his mouth we headed for the restaurant for some lunch.All around us were preparations for the conference..hordes of volunteers and staff unpacking boxes..moving stuff ..arranging..and at least 100 or so people spread around restaurant and seating areas just hanging out ..having lunch or a coffee...family groups and several business meetings taking place with laptops enjoying the WiFi connections.

Everyone we spoke to...or should I say...everyone who spoke to us..were so friendly..and I mean friendly..once they heard our accent they wanted to know where we came from and we discovered several had relatives in Scotland and so we spent time with several different groups just chatting.In the coffee shop the woman who served me asked my name and we joked about whether she would remember me and my order once the conference started and 7,000 people came through the coffee shop.....and I kid you not..on the Friday evening she was behind the counter and even before I got to the top of the line she shouted over .."Hi Irene..how you doing...?? Decaff cappuccino??",,I was amazed..totally amazed.

The volunteers who served over the 2 day conference made serving seem like a vocation..nothing was too much trouble and they always had a smile and a word to say no matter how long they had been there or how many people they had talked to they made you feel as if they were there just for you. Nancy Beach who is on staff at Willow and was the MC for most of the conference said several times that "volunteers are the true heroes of this event " and I can only agree . I made sure I thanked as many of them personally as I could..the guy serving the book store..the young girl in the parking lot..the student emptying the bins...true heroes as far as I am concerned.

A final word re the people we stayed with...the gift of hospitality was truly evident in this couple Fred and Doris Harlan..both in their 60s and been at Willow for years.They host several times a year and they blessed us big time. Fred had been on the Kerith website to familiarise himself with our church and listened to Simons sermon re The Peach and the Coconut and it took us a couple of days to twig but they served us peaches in some form or another at every meal time, including making us peach cobbler. They also had a small flag display of every country representing folks who they had hosted and had bought a Union Jack in honour of us. We were quick to put them straight tho that we were in actual fact Scottish and therefor a St Andrews cross really was the flag to display . We did manage to find the flag shop and bought one for them as a wee pressie...they were delighted with it.

Fred and Doris were not only interesting to talk to..they were also interested in us...our church..what we did in church life..our country ..and from the start they prayed for us daily..we held hands at each meal time and listened to them pray blessing upon us which was very special and unexpected and very natural to them.They were a wealth of information on the workings of Willow and if they didn't know something they spent time finding out and gave us the info next time we saw them. Fred's sense of humour was wry and dry and we shared ongoing jokes from one day to the next.Fred said he had the spiritual gift of "harassment" and this tickled us as we realised afresh how privileged we were to be guests in their home.

I hope this has given you a small flavour of what we experience on the practical level at Willow and over next few entries I will unpack a little more . There really was so much to take in and that was even before the conference began that I may still be mentioning stuff for days as God brings it to mind. Please do think about booking in to the Summit that is held at the Kerith Centre in October as altho you wont get the full personal experience of Willow you will definitely get the essence of the speakers and a fresh touch from God.

Let me leave you with a verse that God planted into my spirit during the conference and that I will share more of another time..
Song of Songs Ch 2 V 4 says this "he has taken me to the banquet hall and his banner over me is love."

August 11th ..Detour to Willow Creek

2009-08-11T14:57:00.005+01:00

Hello again...I tried to blog from America but those who know me will know that I can just about cope with techie stuff here in UK but big time NO NO in the States.!!

So....I am taking a detour via Willow in the next few entries as I want to process all that has happened and try and assimilate it into my life. It truly was an amazing privilege to be there and one I know will have huge repercussions on my future. If you are walking this journey with me my prayer is that some of what I share will be contagious and you catch some of Gods plans and purposes as you read .

I strongly encourage each and everyone of you to book into the Leadership Summit here in Bracknell...October 2nd and 3rd...details on Kerith Community Church website.I will only be able to give you a flavour...like tasting a spoonful of soup from a pot to see if it has enough salt...!!!...you need to sit at the table and eat the whole dish....so book in to come along and hear the speakers and be changed.

Let me share some "one liners"...I heard something like 13 speakers over two days and they threw out these one liners which if you take and chew on will make your mouth water and hunger for more.I am not going to attribute them to anyone person...you will need to come along to hear for yourselves.!!

The "normal" we ever knew or loved has left the building.
People aren't coming to church for a mild dose of God anymore.They want more.!
When you are down in the trenches it is easy to mistake your rut for the horizon.
Sometimes its not your sin which separates you from God its your damnable good works.
What can I give myself to for the rest of my life?
Common purpose is the best way to achieve optimum outcome.
Don't let fear prevent us from making bold moves.
What is my dream?
It is time for the church to get off its butt and be the hope of the world.
God is challenging us to go way beyond our comfort zone.
Misfits start ministry.....Marginals can lead masses.
Relationships trumps vision....we don't need more visionaries we need more relationaries.
Leaders are not called just to lead but to create a culture
It is essential to sometimes sit in the balcony and look at what is happening on the dance floor.
Say YES...every time I hear God ask me to do something.
Listen to God whispering to me.
Keep on developing gifting and do things that have eternal significance.
Stop complaining about lack of resources and be thankful for what we have.
T.B.U....True but useless.!!!
Who would have thought the sleeping giant could have run so fast.?

For next couple of entries in the blog I will be fleshing these one liners out and sharing some of what they mean to me ...altho it will take time for the impact of the conference to be processed into my life.Let me just unpack a comment that
one of the speakers shared that spoke to me re my blog...he said that a housewife somewhere in Ohio...( I think ) has a blog that has thousands of followers all over the world...she is an ordinary woman.... a wife and mom and just blogged about life and all its messy bits and good bits etc....but that somehow people were being drawn to her...how she influences people almost on a daily basis without even leaving her home....I felt God whisper to me that I could also be "a woman of influence."I don't have thousands who read this blog....(yet)...but that I need to get ready ...get prepared....I have always found it very difficult to believe that anything I say ...write or do...can influence ..but God is speaking to me and I am choosing to believe it is true ...I am a woman who can influence others...

My prayer for anyone reading this blog ."I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you,I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day till now,being confident of this that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Philippians ch 1 v 3-6

One last comment for today...I listened to a speaker called Dr Wess Stafford who is the President and CEO of Compassion International.....his title was "Leveraging your Past." For this speaker alone it was worth travelling all those miles and spending all that money just to listen to him. He has written a book called "Too Small to Ignore" which I plan to begin reading but the impact of his own personal testimony heard at Willow will be the most memorable moment of the entire summit.. I listened with my ears but also with my spirit and as tears fell relentlessly I identified once more with the pain of my own past...but this time my tears weren't because of what I too had suffered they were tears of great and deep joy that God and only God had healed me and as he talked about "leveraging your past" I knew without any doubt that with this blog and other things I am involved in ...workwise..churchwise and personally..I am doing just that...Leveraging my past .

July 30th Is there a guide to friendship??

2009-07-30T22:11:00.009+01:00

I wonder if there is a guide somewhere on how to make friends...and keep them and if so would it be any good to people. We cant work to a formula in the realm of friendships as we are all so different in our emotional make up and also in our life experiences.I think that's why friendships can be one of the more difficult areas in our lives and I am sure that you know many people who "don't speak " to one another for many and varied reasons.Unforgiveness and anger can destroy much of what is precious in our lives and when you come from a totally dysfunctional background the odds stacked against you are almost impossible to deal with.

I have a theory and if no-one in the arena of therapy or psychology has already coined the phrase maybe I can be famous for a new heading within the explanations of relationships.
The theory I have is called "the push /pull "of friendship....and I have over the years excelled at it,but be assured it isn't a healthy option and its one that has taken me decades to overcome. In the process I am more than confident that I have hurt some people and caused others some pain and perhaps I still engage in it subconsciously so if you recognise it and see me doing it ..please tell me...forgive me .....and help me to move on.

Growing up in the way I did with no healthy role models and no ability to learn from others I have had to make my own way in the minefields of building relationships. I am not going to go into the whole aspect of friendship within marriage as with Chris it is a different dynamic and altho some of the main characteristics of this theory have definitely evolved in our marriage I am going to focus more on woman-friends.

One thing I believe we all desire and need is acceptance and the freedom to be who we really are.For me....In the past I have entered into friendships with women with the belief that no-one would accept me as I really was and so straight away the foundation wouldn't have been built on honesty and truth.I used to "pull " people towards me by being extra friendly...extra caring...extra interested in their lives...extra available....all designed to influence women to like me but also to need me . For me with my warped thinking being needed was in itself of more value than being accepted ...so if there was a child that needed babysitting...I was the person...if there was a chore that needed doing...I would volunteer ...perhaps you get my drift.Once I was needed and relied on for various reasons I would then be unable to fulfil all that I had promised so then began the "push " part of this confusing equation.I would begin to "push" people away as I would be unable to meet the expectation I had given .

Then would begin the cycle that we can all get caught up in...lets see if you can follow me through the confusion ...I would make a commitment then not want to fulfil it...the person would be upset with me and make some remark...I would then feel hurt by what they said and withdraw ..thus confirming that they didn't really love me. Keep following..... Then as I withdrew the other person in this equation would then also back off as they would think I was unreliable or even that I wasn't the friend they thought I was in the first place and this of course would again confirm that I was unlovable or acceptable .I have oversimplified this theory but perhaps you get the message...pulling people towards me and then pushing them away is all too often the story of many adults who have had the kind of dysfunctional childhood I had.Of course it is also often the case that the relationship is made even more painful if it is with someone who is also not functioning with good foundations...and this has happened to me several times as often those who are damaged enter into relationships with others who are damaged in similar ways.

If this happens then you get both halves of the equation engaging in the same "game" and damage to both sides is inevitable. I have had to enter into some very painful discussions with a couple of friends over recent years as I have begun to unravel the consequences of some of my actions within friendships.I am endeavouring to be as honest with friends now as I am able in the hope that what you see is what you get...or perhaps I should say ..what you see is who I am.I have been on a journey this last 3-4 years ..one of discovery into who I am ..how I got to be me and what it means to be me.Writing this blog is a way of me being able to continue the journey and continue to discover things about myself and about friendships. I think I have written somewhere in previous entries that I actually like myself and that I am quite a nice person.!! This may be a seemingly simple thing to say but believe me when I say that writing that last sentence would never have been possible a few years ago and it is a major step that will propel me into the future . Having had no self validation for 50 plus years and having to process this has been no mean feat and I thank God he has opened my eyes to see who I really am.

For many years I would search for as many friends as I could...almost a desperation to fill all the empty voids in my heart and soul and would fill my days and evenings with "doing stuff". Ask any of the folk who knew me 15-20 years ago and their impression of me would be that I had loads of friends ...I think "gregarious" is a word that could have been used to describe me.In reality I had lots of
" acquaintances " but hardly any friends and acquaintances can be kept at arms length which is where the push /pull usually kept them. The sad part of all this was that I deeply yearned for more...for depth and honesty and for friends who would love me ...whatever. I began to give more of myself to a small number of women friends and those of you who know the "lady in the pink hat " will understand me when I say that friends with this kind of heart and soul are few and far between. I have two other women friends who were knitted into my spirit over many years and altho neither of them live near me any more we continue to enjoy an honest and open friendship from afar and know they love and accept me as I am.I am indebted to several friends over the years who have been instrumental in bringing truth and healing into my life and who I still count as buddies even if we don't spend much time together.I am also blessed by the "new" friends who are beginning to enter into my life and I am hoping that they develop into strong and healthy friendships as time goes by..

I began this entry with the question.....is there a guide to friendships....I know the bible has much to say about relationships and I have learned much from Gods leading and loving.I am still wearing the L plates of friendship and still making mistakes but I am loving more than ever the joy of knowing the women in my life...having fun together...doing life together...spending time with one another...sharing families ...troubles....celebrations...and my prayer for you all is that you will have good friends to walk with you along life's journey.

July 28th The Lady in the Pink Hat

2009-07-28T10:23:00.002+01:00

Hi everyone...thought I would share this with you as it is very much on the subject of Friendship.

THE LADY IN THE PINK HAT

My eyes drift unseeing as my arms and legs follow their own pattern for this skill known as swimming…you can do it on auto pilot with no thought given to any rhythm or co-ordination.

I am warm and satisfied with life.
I was born for holidays in the sun.
I am easily pleased.

I am in no hurry and going nowhere with little occupying my thoughts and as I continue my lazy strokes I begin to gaze around the poolside at the flotsam and jetsam of humanity who share my space under the hot sun and endless blue sky. I have always enjoyed watching people and ascribing stories to their lives and the poolside has rich pickings for my unoccupied imagination.

Mr and Mrs Lilo….in their 40s laying on their Asda priced airbeds and floating their lives away.
The Bicycle Family….extremely get up and go with their teenage son.
Fred and His Missus….he the silent one and she manufacturing enough words for them both
The Dads and their Lads…..lovely to see the bonding going on
Mrs Widow and son….hhmmnnn….some unhealthy stuff going on there
Ms Single Parent and daughter….being a full time mum seems to be boring for her.
The Multi Generation Family….I am envious and covet a holiday with a daughter and grandchild
The Lady in the Pink Hat…here with another woman ….I guess they are friends

I begin to focus more on this lady in the pink hat to the exclusion of all the other poolside people and let my thoughts travel into her life and my swimming goes onto auto pilot as I visualise who she is and where she comes from and what her life is like.
Her hat is pink and newly exchanged for 5 Euros at a mountain top village which served the most delicious cappuccinos. It is almost a wedding hat but somehow she carries off the casual look so well that everyone must see it is a poolside hat…a sun hat…a hat for all seasons.! It was with great glee she realised that unknown forces were at work at the exact moment when she decided on the pink hat rather than the white hat. This amazing pink hat matches her swimming cossie exactly. Not just the colour but the flower on the rim of this pink hat is a replica of the flowers on her cossie how cool is that!

The lady in the pink hat is of mature years. I wouldn’t presume to call her an OAP..but let’s say that she has travelled a fair way along the three score years and ten highway of life.. I look beyond the pink hat and I can see that she has been married for decades and has grown children and several grandchildren. Under the pink hat I can tell that the lines and wrinkles she wears so well were formed through much laughter and some anxiety. The pink hat sits so well upon her wise head and I know with certainty that the words she speaks will carry with them the weight of wisdom and life experience. This lady in the pink hat is fiercely loyal and her ability to walk alongside her friends is legendary. The pink hat may fool some people into thinking she is frivolous and light but let me assure you she is solid and strong.

The lady in the pink hat meets my gaze as I continue to swim and she smiles at me as if to say “I know you “and I can hear her say “you okay?”. Always this lady in the pink hat is concerned about others and as I return the smile and she has already begun to speak to others as they pass by her sun bed. I stop awhile and listen as she asks each person what they have been doing and where they have been and everyone is drawn into conversation feeling special and attended to by the lady in the pink hat. She effortlessly enfolds young and old into her sphere of calm and genuine warmth including the small boy who is not only encouraged to dive and swim but is treated to an ice cream sundae by the lady in the pink hat.

I settle in the corner of the pool with my book and every now and then I glance over at the lady in the pink hat and again my thoughts drift past the written word in my book to the unwritten words of this woman’s life. I can see her eyes following the print of her own book moving slowly from one side of the page to the other and every now and then they glaze over and I can see her become still and as if in commune with God her head slides forward in imitation of sleep but I know she is far from napping. The pink hat stays firmly attached to her head even when gravity should have caught it and dribbled it forward on her face. The lady in the pink hat is outwardly at rest but inwardly I know she is hard at work praying and I can see this lady is not to be messed with even by the natural forces at work in this world.

As she rests I know that her thoughts will have travelled way beyond the pink hat and will be touching the highest heavens as she intercedes on behalf of her family and friends. I even begin to believe that I will be included in her prayers. The lady in the pink hat never gives up….never fails to believe…never stops to think it cant or wont be done here on earth as it is in heaven. Only a woman in a pink hat can have this blessed assurance that God will already be on the move to grant her pleading. For many years this woman in the pink hat has prayed and never given up and her faith still brings me to my own knees long after my voice has ceased to be heard.

I continue to ponder this lady in the pink hat and once again I seem to have a fresh insight into her life as I watch her begin again to read her book. She reads slow but sure and somehow the book on her lap turns into the bible and I see in the shadow of my mind the many hours she has laboured over the precious word of God. I can almost hear her speak to me and others in hymns and psalms and just as the water in this pool is enveloping me and lulling me into a deep sense of peace I know the lady in the pink hat does the same to folks back home in her other life. At times the lady in the pink hat will be like a stream of living water sent into the dry and thirsty desert of our lives to bring hope and encouragement to those who are in dire need of refreshment. The matching cossie she wears covers an ample bosom and I suspect she often bemoans her shape but I also know that when in need of two arms to hold me and hug me and re-assure me I would rather have the lady in the pink hat with all her ampleness to lean upon than risk being stabbed to death by some bony size zero.

I begin to feel slightly chilled and realise I am prune like after long minutes spent in the water and I cast one more glance at the lady in the pink hat. She has stilled for a moment and looks up into the endlessly blue sky as if searching for an answer and I am able to examine her at my leisure without fear of being caught staring . I look beyond the pink hat and I see heartache reflected in her eyes and I know without any contradiction that the pink hat is only a momentary respite for the cares and concerns she carries. As well as the fun and laughter …the loyalty and faith….the wisdom and strength…the ability to pray and intercede and the amazing heart and soul within this woman there is also an aching for the unanswered prayers and the ongoing hope she has for the future.

You may wonder how on earth I can “see” all this from a casual glance or a moment caught in time. or you may think I have a wild imagination….I confess that I have inside knowledge of this lady in the pink hat and although I have allowed you to know a little about her other life….the life she leads when not wearing her pink hat….my description of her doesn’t even begin to do her justice. This lady in the pink hat I am honoured to call my friend and for almost 25 years the lady in the pink hat has walked with me and talked with me. This lady in the pink hat has held my hand as I have struggled to stay on the path and she has passed me tissues as I have wept in the dark moments This lady in the pink hat has supported me through some tough times and she has served alongside me in many areas of church life. This lady in the pink hat has laughed with me till we have cried at so many shared jokes and life situations including laughing at me !. This lady in the pink hat and her family have been joined at the hip to me and mine and as we approach the autumn years my hope is that the pink hat becomes a symbol of friendship to reflect upon in times to come. This lady in the pink hat knows me through and through and yet still calls me her friend and has never judged me even when I have been outrageously in need of judgement. This lady in the pink hat has laughed at my jokes and has admonished me when I step over the line and I am more than blessed to have her in my life
My purpose in sharing this with you is not just to honour the lady in the pink hat but in the hope that you will also take a moment to think about your friends …they may not wear a pink hat but lets be so thankful for each and everyone of them….and find a way of telling them .
May each and every one of you have the blessing of a Lady in a Pink Hat in your lives.

July 14th More Midnight Ramblings

2009-07-14T00:23:00.009+01:00

I find myself once more unable to sleep....this time because I haven't been too well and have been sleeping for part of the day/evening and now find myself wide awake and way past bedtime.It is always in the dead of night that my thoughts can turn to blogging.....so lets see where this leads me to .

I have blogged part of my growing up and I think I have reached adult hood in my time line...I am not going to go into details at this point of the friendship I have with my man....he is first and foremost the friend who I turn to..lean on...share with..cry and laugh with but I feel it is more to women that I am writing this blog altho if you are a man reading this ...then read on.

For the first 10 -12 years of my adult life age 19-29...I was busy doing what a lot of folk do in that period...meeting husband to be...marriage..children...settling down etc and like most young couples with children our social life revolved round family/friends gatherings.We didn't have a particularly wide circle of friends but I can honestly say that apart from 1-2 of them we have very little contact with any of them all these years later. I do wonder if the quality of the relationships didn't go deep enough to survive more than the obligatory Christmas card.

When we moved to England I realised just how much I needed friends. I spent the first 6 months of our time down here crying....I was sooooo lonely....I didn't want to be here....I didn't want to stay here...I didn't want to smile and make small talk with people who talked as if they had marbles in their mouth and sometimes didn't understand what I said either. English people lived in a different dimension to us...I didn't possess a diary before I moved here...if I wanted to see a friend I just dropped in...my door was kept on the latch so friends could just knock and walk in...sadly down here...you had to ring first and make and appointment and no-one just knocked on my door and walked in.

I discovered I was pregnant with our third child and this changed my life....I had to get out and make friends...and the first person I made a tentative friendship with was also pregnant...and also a Christian..( I wasn't a Christian at this point)..She was a member of Bracknell Baptist Church.(which later became Bracknell Family Church and nowadays is called Kerith Community Church ) SP was my life saver...life changer...she showed me friendship that changed my whole way of thinking . For many years I had always thought that people couldn't be trusted..shouldn't be trusted...and therefor my relationships were always quite surface and shallow and usually unable to survive any stress or conflict.

SP introduced me to others in her circle and a new journey began for me .Altho still very homesick and struggling with pregnancy ..new house..new way of life..settling the other two children into school and nursery I found myself opening up and sharing myself with her. Perhaps it was the new beginning I had subconsciously yearned for..perhaps it was getting away from all the trauma of childhood and starting afresh in a completely new place where no-one knew me or Chris or our background. Perhaps I thought I could almost re-invent myself and be whoever I chose to be...whatever the reasons I began to settle and feel calmer inside..less homesick..less lonely.

Little did I know that SP and others were already storming heaven on my behalf ..praying for God to draw me close..praying for God to bless me....Praying for God to show me His son Jesus. I knew nothing of this till months later...all I do know is that there was a strange sense of peace and belonging taking root. For some months as we grew fatter with with our babies..we were both due in January and our families began to hang out for walks and play dates etc SP would talk about her church and her faith. I originally wondered if the friendship would fade if I didn't show any interest in her church /religion and this was the first thing I put to the test. I told her in no uncertain terms that I wasn't interested in God...knew little about Jesus and didn't have time for church..and then waited to see what she would do or say.

I think I have said before I have a tendency to be a people pleaser ...rather than risk rejection I can sometimes be a bit of a chameleon and change thoughts or opinions to suit the person or occasion..but I felt it was important to get this out in the open right at the beginning...if she wanted to be my friend it had to be for ME alone and not whether I would believe in her God or go to her church. I wasn't anti..just hadn't really bothered before and certainly didn't want to bother now.It made no difference to our friendship and it continued to grow as we both had our babies within 3 weeks of each other and life settled into routine. I now had a firm friend...our husbands got on well....the kids were similar ages and we could all have tea together or go for walks etc and we had babysitters if needed and life was moving us on.Into this mix we also met and made friends with another couple...and strangely(!)they too were Christians and went to same church as SP .Again unknown to me they too were knocking on the gates of heaven and praying ......I wont go into all the details of my salvation and what happened with Chris and I that year.....it was an amazing year for us all ...children too....but as this part of the blog is about "friendships" I will press on next time with more of this.

I wonder how you all are?...if life is treating you good? what your own thoughts on friendships are? My prayer is that as I continue to ramble and jot down my thoughts and feelings it will lend insight into life issues that you may also be struggling with and that perhaps together we can makes some sense of the mystery that goes into relationships .May the God of all comfort bless you and enrich each and everyone of you with good friends...friends who will love..support...encourage ,,care and accept who you are in every way.

June 20th Midnight Ramblings

2009-06-20T00:14:00.002+01:00

I cant sleep...so have decided to blog for a bit and ramble ..as you do at 12.20 am when sleep has disappeared and the telly has lost all promise of keeping my attention. Friendships are a funny old thing...there are loads of cliche type of sayings and the cringe inducing emails that go the rounds..(sorry to those who keep sending me them )...but all fall short of really explaining in a concrete and understandable way what friendships are all about.

I am not going to pretend that I have got it all sussed out ....all I know for sure is my life would be so much the poorer without the friends I have now and the friends I have known over the years.

Many years ago ..one of the lead elders of the church did a sermon on friendship and as part of his message he had us write down the names of 5 people who we would consider to be close friends. I was amazed that so many people found this a difficult task . Over the years I have been involved in several groups where friendships were on the discussion agendas and again have found it hard to see that many people would say they don't have close friends. Even today I know several women who would say that they don't have close friends.

My biggest fear is that if people really knew what I was like they wouldn't want to be my friend. I am basically a people pleaser...built into my spirit is a huge fear of abandonment and I guess if you have followed my blog you will know where that comes from.There are times I am in church and I look around and everyone seems to be in groups all talking and I feel alone....not lonely....just alone. One of the things I struggle with most in church settings is the part where they say "turn to person near you and say hello"...or "get up and go chat to someone you don't know" If you look around at that time my bum will probably still be planted on the chair.The saddest thing is that often no-one actually talks to me or comes over to me and I still feel alone...

Please don't feel sorry for me or tell me to "get a grip".I am being honest both with myself and with you. I have been making a huge effort to change this in myself and to shake off the feelings of "no one loves me" syndrome. Mainly because I know its not true.!!!!...But there are times when feelings obscure the facts.

I will blog more sensibly in next entry....and begin the trawl through the years and share about the amazing people who I have known as friends...and how my life has shaped the way I have related to them .Looking back...I can see I have made many mistakes and caused hurt to some friends and if at any time I have caused pain to anyone reading this I hope you will forgive me. My aim in blogging is to grow more...learn more...love more....understand more..

Mark ch 12 v 29-31 says this

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength . The second is this ....love your neighbour as yourself."

I read somewhere that it is impossible to "love your neighbour as yourself" when so many of us don't actually love ourselves.! My quest in the last year or so has been to learn to "love myself" and certainly this last few months as I have kept this blog it has been an ongoing search deep within to allow God to show me how loved I am by Him and in doing this I am coming into a new revelation that I am actually quite lovable. How cool is that?!!

JUNE 15th Friendships

2009-06-15T19:30:00.003+01:00

Well....here we go with this "thorn". I am going to go way back and remind you that for many years I didn't live in same place ...If you remember my parents split up..got back together..split up ...and on and on....I was in and out of children's homes and went to many different schools until I was 12 years old.

This in itself prevented me from making lasting friendships and I was always the "new girl" in class or the "new kid on the block" which could have gone two ways...either I would be excruciatingly shy or I would be very bolshie.!! There is no prize for guessing which way I went . Having said that ...I was also quite a nice little girl...very pretty and intelligent and able to communicate well.. Teachers liked me and that made it easier for me to fit in. Strange to think that I may have been the only youngster in the world who loved school...at school I was treated well...food was plentiful..in those days poor families got free meals and as I was bright the teachers would ask me to help them with the little ones.

I have one friend who has lasted the test of time...we met on my first day at primary school...we were both 5 and altho she lives in Amsterdam and I haven't seen her in decades we have always kept in touch . She knows all my bad history and some we shared as we grew up....we still have the kind of friendship that if she lived in Britain I know we would still be in each others lives. There is something about shared history which binds people together.

I hesitate to even put into writing this next part but again I am attempting to be open..honest..vulnerable and trusting that "writing is my best chance of happiness". After my mum left me...and I went to live with my dad I went to an excellent school...it was the Scottish equivalent of a Grammar school...and I just didn't fit in....I was academically capable but the social strata was way above me...these kids had bedrooms to themselves...rather than sharing one bedroom with a dad and 2 brothers ...They had bathrooms rather than a toilet and a visit to public baths on a Tuesday evening. They had washing machines rather than a weekly trip to launderette.Their parents came to open evenings whilst my dad had to work .My worst ever nightmare was wearing the second hand school uniform and realising the name tape in one of the garments was the girl in my class and she recognised it.

Bullying wasn't really recognised as a problem in those days ...we were still in the era where teachers were law and the "belt" was given as punishment for bad behaviour and what Sir said..we did. I wish I could perhaps gain some sympathy from you by saying I was bullied but I am ashamed to admit that it was me who was the bully. It is a sad and awful episode in my friendship thorn and one I am deeply grateful to know that God has forgiven me and the girl in question has too.(I was able to ask her forgiveness about 17 years ago). This girl J had everything...she was an only child with loving parents she had a gorgeous pink room all to herself..she went horse riding...and she went ski-ing...and she was pretty with blue eyes and hair to die for...She was very popular and friendly and a genuinely lovely person. J took me under her wing and I found myself in the inner circle..invited for tea...parties...but always feeling as if I was on the outside looking in. I couldn't return the invites I was far too ashamed of my dads house and the life I had led.

After several months I began to bully J in a very subtle way...I never physically touched her but began to torment her in class when no-one was looking. I would take her book or pen and not let her have it back.I would tear up her homework and bin it. I would drop her school bag down the loo......AAAGGGHHHHHH...... I was awful and I am sure a child therapist would dress this all up in some way to excuse my behaviour. but all I know is I was a nasty horrible bully to this poor girl who didn't deserve to be treated like this no matter what kind of background I came from. Even worse J continued to befriend me for the best part of a year until her parents found out and I was called to the headmasters office with my dad...the one and only time my dad ever came to the school. I was asked to leave !! only it was dressed up as "perhaps it would be better to move Irene to a school nearer to your home and where she will find it easier to fit in with her brother being there too." Translation ...was simply that they didn't want my sort at their school and the one nearer my home was an ordinary secondary school with the same "type" of children as me...ie those with no bathroom and no bedroom of their own.

So there I was...transferred to yet another school and once again the new girl...I never really fitted in at this school as all the kids had been there for a year already and their friendships were established with many of them being continuations from primary school and so I danced around on the outskirts of every group having the crumbs of everyone else's "best friends " Maybe its only girls who know this but having a "best friend" was the only thing needed in adolescence..everything else goes by the wayside.I never had my own best friend but seemed to share other peoples who for a season would be mine before filtering off to better buddies.I don't keep in touch with any of my secondary school friends as the roots of life didn't go deep enough and I had some very embarrassing emails from Friends Reunited before I gave up as so many of them said the "didn't remember me at all" How sad is that then.!!!

Despite this chequered school life I did well and left school at 16 with 6 good academic O levels (sadly I was not given the choice to stay on for Highers...the Scottish equivalent of A levels ) and thus began a whole new chapter for me in the realm of relationships.Being at work is a whole different ball game from school and socially I was able to make my own circle of friends..more of which next time .I am eternally grateful that God is in the business of teaching us about relationships... He is the author and perfecter of relationships...He is the initiator of relationships in that He gave His precious son Jesus so that I might enter into a loving relationship with Him as Abba father....I had much to learn and He so graciously taught me ...but there was still a long journey to take ...I hope you will continue to walk this with me.

Tuesday 2nd June...Moving on

2009-06-02T13:36:00.003+01:00

Its been a while since I last blogged and I was asking myself why?..and I realised that the next "thorn " I want to tackle is about "friendships and relationships" and to be honest this is a really hard topic for me to open up as I have made so many mistakes and caused much hurt over the years as well as also being hurt. Subconsciously I think I was avoiding the issue big time and letting the busyness of life be my excuse.

Having had two extremely busy weekends at my parents -in -laws 60th wedding celebration and then at Cherish women's conference I found myself with no excuse and had decided to move on.....only to spend hours weeping in the early hours of this morning over "stuff". I will be very honest and say that I haven't cried tears like that for many a long year ...my poor hubby didn't know whether to hug me...pray for me...get me tissues or what.!!!...and in my continuing quest to be honest and open in this blog ....I also found my thoughts turn to suicide ...albeit for only a few seconds but this shocked me (and Chris) as it has been a very long time since these thoughts invaded my mind.

Please don't panic ....I am not about to do anything...but I am reaching high in the vulnerability stakes here in the sure knowledge that "writing is my best chance of happiness"...I wonder how many of us have these fleeting thoughts but are too ashamed..embarrassed....to admit to ourselves that there are times when "stuff" just overwhelms us and the load gets too heavy to carry alone. The enemy would keep us locked into our silences and dress us up with the "I am fine" response when friends ask .I believe fully that verbalising (or blogging) such thoughts takes away the power of them...its the secrecy and the shame that gives such thoughts the ability to damage and even as I have spent a few minutes telling you this I know they have lost their hold over me. Revelations ch 12 v 11 says this "they overcame him.(the enemy) by the blood of the lamb and by the word of their testimony"
Being able to share such things with you..... isn't this the very essence of friendship...the very infra-structure of relationships is that "we carry one anothers burdens"...there are some great scriptures .

A friend loves at all times
There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Greater love has no man than he lays down his life for his friend.

And there are so many of these emails that go round that have all sorts of "twee" friendship mottos and words..(NB ...I very rarely open or pass these on....sorry.)...but in reality friendships can be a source of great joy...great fun....but can also bring pain and hurt altho I would hope as adults that we never set out to cause pain and hurt but as we are all broken human beings it is only to be expected that we sometimes will hurt and be hurt.

One of life's mottos I have come to understand is the one that says.

Some friends we have for a reason
Some friends we have for a season
Some friends we have for life

and as I blog my way through this subject I am hoping to unpack this in my life. I want to say quite clearly at the outset that any examples or stories I may use will be based on many different people...so don't go looking for yourself.!!!...If I have a specific person in mind I will name them by initials but please don't pick up on anything and wonder if its you...I will be going back decades and I haven't known you all for that long ...Hee Hee

While away at Cherish one of the speakers "got up my nose"...and I found myself wondering why...and began to realise there was still "stuff" floating about within my spirit and yet another layer of self realisation was surfacing. This was in some way confirmed by several comments that were made that set me thinking and praying and asking God for revelation. A very wise man who I love and respect much used to say.."when comments are made...even in jest..ask God if there is a nugget of truth there that He wants you to deal with" and so I think this was one of the main reasons why the tears came with such force...the "nuggets" did contain some truth and I didn't like it...one little bit.!!..but we all know so well that it is "truth that sets us free" and as I blog my way through this subject I know that I will gain a greater level of freedom.

Please continue to walk with me and share your own feelings and thoughts ......

Monday 11th May.. Last Look

2009-05-11T17:29:00.003+01:00

I wanted to leave you all with a photograph of my brother Robert...but had to wait till Chris got home from Milan...I am sooooooo not a techie.!!!

Anyway...I hope this last glimpse of Robert will leave you with joy in your spirit.It was taken professionally by the drama club as part of their publicity for a play called The Gazebo...in which Robert had a good part. This picture was displayed in the foyer of the theatre in Edinburgh and was also used in the newspaper as his obituary photo as it was the most recent and decent we had of him.

Robert was far more than this photo and far more than my blog entries...he was amazing and I loved him.....and miss him still.

Saturday 9th May Final Reflections

2009-05-09T14:47:00.008+01:00

I started this week sharing about my brother Robert...who he was...and how he affected my life and as I have continued to reflect on him and memories have risen I have so enjoyed this time of writing. It may sound weird but no-one in my present day life knew him..Robert died before I met Chris and none of the friends I have past or present ...ever met him either so he has rarely come up in conversation and lets face it "suicide" isn't the best after dinner topic. He sadly became known as "my brother who committed suicide" and he was way more than that .

Sharing him with you has been hugely rewarding for me and brought back a store of happy times that I had forgotten existed and has brought me to a place of peace and even joy. I still stand by the statement "writing is my best chance of happiness" and certainly this week has been a happy week for me.

In the midst of this strange sense of peace there has also been a surge of memories that haven't been so good.Roberts death wasn't the only suicide in my family...I have an uncle who committed suicide and my half brother also committed suicide and for many years I felt tainted by these events. I would dream of death...I would plan funerals...if any of my children were late home or I didn't know where they were I would picture death scenarios. I lived with the constant fear that I would lose Chris to some horrific accident and I never worried about losing him to another woman it was a motorway pile up or a hit and run.I would hear a phone or the doorbell ring late at night and be convinced a police man would be at the door bearing bad news.

I cant close this chapter of the blog without being 100% honest .!! Referring to the scripture from Deuteronomy ch 30....there have been times in my life where I have been faced with the choices as set out here...Life and Death...before I became a christian I thought about suicide many times ....long before my brothers suicide impacted me ....and although I didn't know God nor the scriptures somehow or other I kept choosing "life "
I would like to say (because it sounds a lot better )..that I have never thought about suicide since becoming a christian but it wouldn't be true. As I began to seek God for my healing and restoration there were times when memories surfaced that were so incredibly painful that I honestly thought death would be easier...and I had to constantly make the choice...LIFE ..LIFE...LIFE...I would drive along the road and be thinking "that tree...I could drive into it..." or I would look at tablets and think..."how many??". I would take stock then and think about how this would affect Chris and my children,,and I could NEVER leave that legacy in their spirits... and so deep in my spirit I would draw on the knowledge that Jesus could ...and would ....and did rescue me

PSALM 18 V 4-6
The cords of death entangled me;the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me.In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice;my cry came before him into his ears.

Please read the rest of this psalm to know how God will rescue those who are entangled up in "death" and He will rescue each of us. I am deeply and passionately grateful to God who provided me with a safe place and in the same way that I have been honest about my past thoughts about suicide I can truly say it has been a very ...very..very long time since I had these thoughts . ..God can and does deliver His children from such dark torments

And finally...the ever unanswered question of WHY....Robert had left no note..no diary..no final last word ...we were all left with this searing loss and no understanding...no resolution ...no closure. For many years I carried the unresolved pain of his death.. the constant replay of incidents trying to find a clue...a word spoken in anger ..a trigger that would have caused it...the terrible thought that perhaps it was MY fault. I know we all suffered badly due to the breakdown of our family...I know Robert was an extremely vulnerable and sensitive young boy..I know he chose to work and pursue a career with the the poor and socially deprived...I know he carried unexpressed pain that he shared with no-one and covered it up with humour and good works. Mixed in with all of this is also the underlying mystery of "is he in hell?? was he saved?? ...did God have mercy on him at the final breath?" I could speculate and debate endlessly but it wouldn't answer the questions nor would it bring me any closer to understanding and so all I am left with is God and his word.

1 Corinthians ch 13 v 12
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully ,even as I am known fully

Perhaps one day....when Jesus is fully known and fully revealed to all mankind I may know the answers but until that day I have the amazing assurance that God is sovereign...and that's enough for me.

Thursday 7th May. After Effects

2009-05-07T17:46:00.008+01:00

I seem to be on a bit of a roll...with Chris away and time hanging on my hands after work I am disoriented and this seems as good a task as any...altho cleaning the living room may be a sensible one to tackle after I blog.

After the intense grief of the first few months after Roberts death I can look back now and see many aspects of that time went into forging my future character. Those of you who know me well may agree with some of the following traits which I assimilated as I matured.I spoke with a friend today and shared that I am ...in many ways...very like my brother Robert and perhaps he had left a small legacy within me during the three very short years that we had shared closely.

Robert had a real heart to serve the underprivileged..the poor...the sad and lonely...he was immense fun and had a great sense of humour....he liked to ensure everyone was happy and included.....he seemed quite loud and popular but most of the time he was lacking in confidence and used his humour to create acceptance. Robert was loyal and loved ferociously and altho he had a lot of acquaintances he had few close friends and those he did have he loved unconditionally. Robert lived for his dad and his brother and I like to think ...for me...as well and his favourite activity was making us laugh or sitting watching telly together especially if it was Monty Python or Rowan and Martins Laugh-in. Robert hid his pain ...his hurt..his feelings of rejection ..his need to be mothered...hid it so well from everyone in the latter part of his life. He didn't seek any help nor did he talk to anyone about his trauma and my one regret in this story was that he reached a stage in his life when he believed no-one would care if he lived or died . How wrong he was.The after effects that reverberate in the lives of family and friends when someone commits suicide are incredibly destructive quite simply because no-one can answer the question WHY??

Perhaps you may recognise some similarity in my life to that of my brother Robert...I like to think that some of the positive aspects of my personality and areas I am involved in were influenced..perhaps subconsciously..by his life and that my deep love of "Family" came as a result of what I experienced during that time .

Sadly I can also see some destructive elements that were by-products of the after effects of Roberts death....and these served to mould in me some tough strongholds which have taken many years to break down. I know even as I write this blog that there may still be some rubble to sift through and a deeper level of healing achieved.

One of the strongest emotions that gained a foothold in my spirit at that time was that I was "excluded"...and linked with the feelings of abandonment which already were buried deep in my spirit and you get an adult that all too easily felt hurt and rejected in the smallest of things. In a few short years my mum had left me ..my sister had left me ..my brother had left me ...and now another brother had left me in an all too cruel way..and then my dad and other brother had pulled up the drawbridge of the family and metaphorically left me ...outside in the cold. Even today almost 40 years on I will pull up my own drawbridge and voluntarily "exclude " myself from a painful or troubling situation..altho I am learning to share more easily that I am not coping and need help.

I recently shared I had completed the Strength Finders profile and my main strength was concluded as CONNECTEDNESS...and I hadn't felt prompted by the explanation of this one at all...but in last few days as I have used this blog to reflect...I realise that I am driven by the characteristics of this Strength...let me paraphrase some of them here.

*things happen for a reason..you are sure of it..we are all connected ..part of something larger...you gain confidence from knowing we are not isolated from one another.
*bridge builder for different people groups..caring ...considerate..
*give others comfort...certain there is a purpose behind our lives.
*faith is strong and sustains in the face of life's mysteries.
*likely to have social issues you will defend strongly
*naturally thinks about how people can get connected and can be a team builder
*can develop mission and likes to feel a part of something bigger than themselves

Again those who know me well will know how I like to organise and encourage and take charge.!!!....In the light of my determination to be as honest and transparent as possible...let me share with you one of my ongoing struggles... it is one I am working on with all diligence and asking God for grace to overcome and it may seem a smallish thing to confess but it can cause me enormous stress ....I really struggle with "not knowing "...and I can trace this right back to this period in my life...I like to know what is going on...if there is a decision to be made...I need to know what it is...I feel left out and want to know why I wasnt told ..(even if it is nothing to do with me !!)..if some friends have a gathering and I am not there I feel neglected....if I find out about something third hand I wonder why I wasn't told first...I like to feel in control and struggle big time with not having full knowledge to do a task...especially if I don't do it well and I am criticised for it.

YIKES....now you know....and don't all rush off ensuring that I am always told or always invited..it is an area where I am winning and only rarely have a struggle with .Tomorrow I will finish this chapter with a final reflection on Roberts death and look at the how I came to a place of acceptance and why the question WHY no longer haunts me

Deuteronomy Ch 30 v 19-20
This day I have called heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you LIFE and DEATH, blessings and curses. Now choose LIFE..so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God ,listen to his voice and hold fast to Him. For the Lord is your LIFE and He will give you many years in the land He swore to your fathers Abraham,Isaac and Jacob.

Wednesday 6th May ; Way back Then

2009-05-06T15:51:00.007+01:00

February 23rd 7pm 1971.

Life as I knew it came to an abrupt end..I came home from school at 3.30 pm as usual and at 7pm ...way past the time my dad and brother usually arrived home from work I was watching TV and the door opened and in walked my dad. He was followed by a policeman who helped him to sit down and then very calmly told me that Robert was dead. I looked at my dad who was white and in shock and waited for him to explain what the policeman had meant...what had happened..was it an accident..had his motorbike gone off the road ..was he in hospital....I remember an eerie silence as the policeman went to make a cup of tea ..thinking surely it was all a joke or a dream. Shortly after the door opened again and my other brother came in the door...he had ridden Roberts motorbike back from Dundee and was windswept and dirty.

The policeman gave us all some hot tea and then left...after telling my dad to come into the station in the morning.I sat ...in the silence and watched my dad weep...and when I say weep I don't mean the kind of crying that men sometimes do with a sniffle and a hanky quickly wiped over their faces....I mean deep gut wrenching ...soul destroying ....anguished moans from somewhere in the very depth of his being. You read in novels about this but I had never ever seen this..my dad was in some kind of emotional pain that was torture to watch. He was holding my brothers hand and the two of them were clinging to each other as if to anchor themselves before this hurricane of emotion which was sweeping them beyond endurance.

I was "outside " all this ...almost ignored....I still had no idea of what had happened and neither of them seemed able or interested in telling me.I left the room dry eyed and sat on the bed and waited ..not sure what I was waiting for but I knew I couldn't be in the same room as they were...I didn't belong there. Later that night my dad got very drunk and continued to cry and refused to eat or go to bed...until around midnight he fell asleep . We put him to bed and my brother and I sat looking at each other for over an hour before he could even begin to tell me what had happened.

Robert had gassed himself...he had fed the meter in his wee attic student flat and turned it on and lay down in front of it. His girlfriend F was home in Edinburgh for the weekend and it was obvious he had planned it so he wouldn't be discovered and in fact it turned out he had been dead for almost 3 days before his body was discovered. F had gone to the flat and when she couldn't get an answer had gone to the landlord who broke the door down.....and then rang the police and they had contacted Edinburgh to get a local policeman to find my dad. F knew where he worked and they had picked him and my brother up mid morning. They had taken them by car to Dundee by noon where they were asked to identify the body and of course fill in all sorts of forms.

No-one had thought to inform me or get me from school and this became the pattern over the following days....Dad made me go to school the following day whilst they went to police station..arranging for Roberts body to be moved to the mortuary in Dundee...I wasn't asked if I wanted to see him or say goodbye...I continued to go to school whilst they organised the funeral and then I was told I couldn't go to the funeral...I had to go to Galashiels and "sit " with Granny as she was too poorly to be left. (As an aside I "saw" Robert for years after that..in the street.on the bus..in shops...because I hadn't actually seen him..his body .. deep down I somehow or other didn't really believe he was dead.) The funeral came and went and large numbers of relatives and friends visited us and I heard later and saw a small paragraph in the Dundee paper that over 300 students had packed the chapel with many of them contributing to the service. In the short 6 months he had been attending the university he had impacted so many of the other students there.He was my brother and no-one allowed me to say goodbye or mourn him ...and I miss him even now. My mum didn't come to the funeral nor were my half brother or sister able to come over from Canada..it was as if my half of the family weren't a part of Roberts life.

My inner life changed during this period....I felt as if I didn't count..didn't matter...I remember sitting on the loo....saying to God.."if you really really exist please help me ". I was on the outside looking in and as time moved us beyond the initial grief and we began to function as a small family again I knew I wasn't part of it in the same way. My dad began to drink in a serious way and most nights he would go straight to the pub from work and then stagger home where he would stand in front of the fire and sing maudlin songs....Did I ever mention my dad had a cracking voice?? he could sing with the best of them and who knows in another life he could have been famous...he would stand and belt out "Oh Danny Boy " "The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot" "Climb Up On My Knee Sonny Boy" and a long held favourite "Nobodys Child". My worst ever moment in these days was waking up one night in the early hours and watching my dad sit on edge of his bed with tears dripping down his nose and I could just hear his voice saying over and over again "why him...why him...why not one of the others..why him" and as I went back to sleep I sensed this take root in my spirit ....which is altogether another area to explore in later blogs .

This is possibly one of my most painful blog entries but I fully believe that God heard my prayer at that time... altho it has taken years before I realised He had answered that prayer.....I know I couldn't possibly have survived this and other traumas without His unseen and unknown presence....keeping me alive and moving me towards Christ.It was two very short years before I was to first meet Chris and the destiny that God had for me would begin to unfold.

Jeremiah Ch 29 v 11....
"For I know the plans I have for you..plans to give you hope and a future.."

Tuesday 5th May

2009-05-05T18:09:00.004+01:00

I had a long walk this afternoon with Oskar in Windsor Great Park and thought quite a bit about my brother Robert...one of the assignments for the next Exposition is to "write a letter" and I am coming round to the idea of writing my brother Robert a letter...but for the blog I will continue to expand on what happened.

As I shared yesterday ....Robert was very involved in social action and had a real heart for parts of society that can be overlooked. One of the biggest surprises for me was his interest in amateur dramatics.He was an avid performer and loved comedy roles and altho I saw him in a couple of serious plays he revelled in the humorous scripts and his all time favourite TV programme was Monty Pythons Flying Circus and Spike Milligan..he could imitate voices and accents and would have me rolling all over my bed at night time....He slept in a cupboard...this is true....we had one bedroom with my dad..myself and both brothers...Dad and one brother slept in double bed and I had a single bed and Roberts bed was in a walk in cupboard with a curtain drawn across it...he would lay in there making us all hoot with laughter as his voice would sneak out in a re-run of a Monty set.We would be drifting off to sleep and he would start up a Spike Milligan song and that would be us...wide awake and wetting ourselves .!! My dad who smoked unfiltered Senior Service would go purple in the face coughing and begging him to "stop it and get to sleep "

For a period of 3 years all our lives seemed calm and quiet and settled....mum was still in London and we only heard from her rarely and both my half sister and half brother were doing well in Canada...dad worked all the hours he could to give us a half way decent life and somehow or other I still got the school trip to Paris and the week at hockey camp altho I am convinced that there was a social fund at our school as looking back I cant see how dad could ever have afforded it. One summer dad and I even had a week at the Butlins holiday camp in Ayr....quite possibly my first ever holiday and time to be with my dad was a very special thing for me .

Through his drama connections Robert met F...she was very posh and went to a private school.....most of the drama club were certainly middle class and for Robert to have a girlfriend was a major accomplishment....he was still very overweight and was plagued with skin problems and rarely ventured out socially other than work and his voluntary commitments . Both F and Robert were accepted into Dundee University and as the time for them to go crept ever closer I felt a sense of loss creeping into my heart.Looking back I almost certainly was jealous of F and her relationship with Robert but was trying very hard to be grown up about it all.

I think I shared in previous posts that Robert had tried to kill himself several times....I knew nothing of this at the time as it was when I lived with my mum...but only heard about it all years later...from age 11-16 he tried different methods..cutting his wrists...hanging..and tablets...but each time he was found by either dad or my other brother. He wasn't taken to hospital or referred to doctors or for therapy....this was decades ago and children of broken homes weren't high on any care agenda. The social stigma of having divorced parents was of a similar nature as having illegitimate children and at one time when I was in trouble at school I was referred to as "the product of a broken home" as if that was a crime and my behaviour was only to be expected.!!

I missed Robert so much and whenever he was home from university I would cajole him into helping me revise for my O levels and F was growing on me as she took an interest in what was going on educationally with me. Life was as normal as it could be ...right up until...

7pm February 23rd 1971.

I will continue this tomorrow.....let me leave you with scripture

Proverbs Ch 3 v 5
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

Philippians Ch 4 v 7
"And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I may never understand the WHY of what I will write about next ...but I do know that somehow or other God has guarded my heart and mind and given me peace. My prayer as you read this ..is that if you have circumstances in your life...past or present that you are finding hard to understand...Lean into God...He WILL give you peace

Monday 4th May.. My Brother Robert

2009-05-04T11:08:00.007+01:00

Happy Bank Holiday Monday to all....I should be out doing something as BHs by their nature are meant to be "get out there"..but Chris is on his way to airport...going to Milan for week and I am wondering what to do without him..sad I know.It does mean I have some space to update my blog and for several weeks I have hi-jacked the entries to talk about other things going on in my life ..perhaps a delaying mechanism to avoid this next entry I don't know...but here we go folks..so hang on to your seats.

Strangely I feel Gods timing is absolutely perfect....If I had written about my brother when I planned it would have been from a completely different viewpoint ...I recently read a piece by GJ who is part of the EXPOSITION writers group...and altho her subject did carry pain she chose to write about it with happy memories and only coloured the writing with a tinge of sadness and after reading her offering I knew I had to do the same with this. So my prayer is you will pick up my spirit behind this entry...happy and sad and regret and joy all mixed up together and handed over to the God who knows ALL ....yesterday ...today and tomorrow.

To understand my brother Robert and the family dynamics I will need to bore you with some history....

My mum was unmarried and had son number one....who even today no-one knows anything about...apart from he was left in the convent where mum had him...you are going back at least 65 years now.
My mum ..still unmarried had son number two also in convent and left there...
My mum... still unmarried had child number three a daughter and she leaves convent with her and meets a man who later will become my dad...they get married and begin life with 2 year old daughter.

They then have their own first child....Robert..but 4th to my mum...then child number two...a son to them.. but number 5 for my mum..then 11 months later...child number three...me....but child number 6 for my mum

Are you still with me...we became a family unit of mum dad and four children...with two secret children being brought up as orphans in convent....Even in today's dysfunctional society you can see that the marriage and family unit was already messy and didn't really stand a chance of succeeding especially as my dad...didn't know about the two first children until years later...the second son turned up at the door when he was 14..the age when they were turfed out of the orphanage in those days....I was too young to remember how my dad took it but do know that from that point on the family unit had no chance of surviving..

So....Robert...he was a tender and intelligent and sensitive lad...when all hell kicked off in the family he was about 9 or 10...and I guess he would say that he heard and saw a lot of painful stuff going on...these were the days when big houses for our class of people didn't exist...we lived in various places but never would he have had a room to himself...in fact we all slept in one bedroom and my parents slept in the living room in a bed recess...so all arguments and confrontations would have been very public...I was too young and can honestly say I don't remember raised voices or any bad stuff. Robert became very overweight and was nicknamed Fatty...and yes ...both my parents called him this too...he also wet himself frequently and was beaten for this...and I don't mean a slap or a smack I mean beaten...I do remember being woken up one night when he was trying to get away from the parent who was beating him..he jumped from the bed to the floor and tried to hide under the bed springs.

Despite all that was going on at home he shone at school...we had a very sympathetic headmaster at our primary school who knew our family history and in those days teachers and Headmasters were almost like social workers and many a time we were given free meals and clothes from the school collection...and Robert became school "dux "I guess this would be the old equivalent of head boy...and went on to attain good O levels at secondary school. By this time the family had split to mum and the girls and dad and the boys with the mysterious son enlisting in the army to get away....Robert was always lovely to me..I was his wee sister and my dad had nicknamed me "wee toty" and Robert loved me....I can say this with no hesitation or misty eyed nostalgia ...he cared deeply for me in the same way he cared for us all...he loved fully and without reserve or judgment...and he loved our mum with a ferocity she didn't return.

All through his teen years as mum wandered the country with the girls in tow and whilst rotten stuff happened to me...Robert spent this time trying to come to terms with the rejection he felt at being left . After he left school he threw himself into voluntary work becoming a Samaritan...working with street people and manning the food shelters...he studied at home and night school and eventually got a place at university to become a social worker. All through this time he attempted suicide no less than 4 times...so one part of him was trying to "get through " yet the small unloved and rejected child within him didn't want to live. I can so identify with this and know 100% if I hadn't found Christ I may also have ended up like Robert..

I had been living at my dads for several years and had formed a strong bond with Robert...he would help me with my homework and critique my essays..he took me for long winding rides on his motorbike...he introduced me to the deeply disturbing lyrics by Leonard Cohen and he gave me my first poster of Che Guevara to replace my T REX one. He took me to the Cyrenians shelter and encouraged me to ladle out the soup and bread to the homeless and sneaked me into the rehearsals of the amateur dramatic society he joined and later got me a front row seat for his plays...Look Back In Anger and The Gazebo...and I was enormously proud of my brother Robert. He was the only one who came to the yearly prize givings at my school and stood and cheered when I also got a dux medal for English and French...I felt as if the world started and ended with Robert...he seemed more like a mum and dad to me than the actual parents I had. For 3 very special years as I settled into my dads he made that transition easier for me often taking my part in disagreements or pushing for me to have something I had been refused...try explaining to a dad who had only experience of teenage boys that stockings don't last as long as socks.!!! and that wearing grey school shirts to school really wasn't the thing when girls were wearing white ones. Robert stuck up for me in the little things as well as showing me a side of society with his involvement alongside the poor that to this day continues to tell me that though I may think I had a raw deal ..I didn't have it half as bad as some.

I will leave this entry here as it is getting overlong and pick it up again this week...I have opened up a store of memories that are all cramming into my spirit...Robert...had he lived...would have changed the world he lived in and hopefully have known Christ as his saviour.

April 27th Immeasurably More

2009-04-27T17:05:00.006+01:00

Ephesians ch 3 verses 20 and 21 says this,

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine according to his power that is at work in us,to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations for ever and ever Amen

Final update on our Willow Creek Adventure....we have been totally overwhelmed with the love and support..prayers...encouragement and gifts that we have received from you all. We now have not just enough but more than enough...Funds came from the most unexpected places and people which has shown us once again that God is a good and faithful God.

As we have been unable to tithe for some time with our debt situation we have always "given" as best as we are able and we decided at the beginning of this walk in faith we would be open hearted and its been fun giving some Starbucks coffee gift cards to folk...as well as a gift to help someone on their own financial faith journey to Serenje.

We are so grateful to the couple who initiated this trip by offering their air miles to us and altho the airport taxes/fuel charges were a bit of a shocker..this amazing couple decided last week that they would pay for half of that too...how much of a blessing is that for us....and how about this for a God who controls the windows of heaven....I received a tax rebate.!!! I always try and do my self assessment as soon as possible in April..but never ever have I overpaid my tax but God is much bigger than Her Majesty's Inland Revenue .

We send our thanks to you all for praying and encouraging and giving and be assured that I will blog big time about Willow when it comes to end of August.I promise to resume normal service in this blog in next entry but wanted to make sure that praise thanks and honour go to our God to ensure the phrase from above verses "to him be glory in the church."is lived out amongst Gods people

April 24th Strength Finders

2009-04-24T16:32:00.006+01:00

I had planned to begin to write about my brothers but its been a tough few days with all that is happening in seemingly every area of my life...Chris is away a lot with new work situation and even when home he is stressed and pre-occupied and its oh so weird having him upstairs working in our study....and the situation with Cat and Nick is taking some major emotional adjustment..and all around that is the ordinary everyday living to be going on with.

One of my boundaries that I put into place in January was to limit my reading of fiction and this has been major source of strength for me as I have delved into the "word" and several other books have been of interest. One such book is by Marcus Buckingham...Strength Finders....to be recommended....and I am extremely interested to discover my 5 main strengths...one of which is COMMUNICATION...let me share with you some of the descriptions of this and let me know if you think it is true of me.!!!

"you like to explain..to describe...to host..to speak in public...and to write.!!...and so you turn events into stories and practice telling them...you want your information to ..survive ...you want to divert peoples attention to you and then capture it and lock it in. ..you are driven to find the perfect phrase....and are drawn towards dramatic words and powerful word combinations....this is why people like to listen to you....your word pictures pique their interest ...sharpen their world and inspire them to act.."

With sharing this blog and also being a part of the Unique Ministry's ...Exposition group...I seem to be living out this "strength" and altho I risk repeating myself."writing is my best chance at happiness" and so I will continue to write.

I did for a couple of days wonder if I could rise above the heart ache and continue to share my life here...but I still feel that God wants me to do this and so I will carry on..please hang around and keep me company...the adventure is all the better for living it out with friends.

I have also pretty much decided not to go into detail re Cat and Nick....they have their own journey to walk...their own story to tell and altho I will be with them every step of the way it would be wrong of me to uncover them too much in this blog. Maybe one day they will share their own story in a similar way ....all I may at times ask is for you to love them and encourage and support them in as best a way as you can and continue to believe and ask for a miracle.

Our Willow creek adventure continues...we are still believing God to provide all the finances and are amazed at the generosity shown to us as gifts have been given. We are so grateful for a community that shows love in a very practical way.

Let me leave you with this from 2 Thessalonians ch 2
"May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope...encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good word and deed."